The Magical Illusion of Christmas

By Susan Murphy Milano

(originally posted December, 2010)

Every year my mother made a big deal about Christmas from planning out what color to make the eyes on the gingerbread cookies, to the day she, my brother, and myself would go downtown to Marshall Fields department store for our annual Santa visit and photo. The bright lights and holiday decorations lining downtown store windows and street lamps always made me forget, if only for a moment, our lives were anything but bright and hopeful.

I have to give my mother credit, as difficult as our daily fight for survival was, she did the best she could to create happy memories for us. Sometimes, the holiday did not turn out as planned and we ended up on Christmas morning in the emergency room as she received medical attention from injuries caused by my father. My little brother and I viewed stuffing every pocket in our coat and pants with candy canes while at the hospital as a cool thing. Instead of opening presents, like we watched in movies, we went back to the house with a cup of hot chocolate and whip cream prepared with love.

Hope was always a magical illusion, it did not matter if it was Christmas or not. The days and months always felt as if they were all lumped in to a never ending road of unpredictable behavior by a man authorized with a gun and a badge to protect the streets of Chicago, while hiding behind the closed door of our home like a coward, only to terrorize and harm his own family. In our house you told time by the changing of seasons and what you needed to wear before heading out the door. During the holidays it was the one time of year that I didn't wish anything from the Sears catalog that would arrive sometime after Thanksgiving. If Santa was real, then just maybe he would find us a nice safe place like I remembered watching in the movie Miracle on 34th Street, where we could hang our stockings and live happily, with my brother and mom, far away from my father, forever.

Growing up, my brother and I never really counted on much and making plans for anything was wishful thinking. More than fifty years later, I have no closure, just an acceptance of the violent events that would eventually hijack my mothers life. The last memory of her is 10 feet away from the oven where we baked Christmas cookies, throughout the kitchen her blood spilled over onto the once bright yellow pattern on the floor tiles where my brother and I once sat anxiously waiting for the Christmas cookies to finish baking. In the bedroom a couple hundred feet away, dead from a self inflicted gun shot, my father, who had taken from me the only love I knew, my mother. Although not visible to the human eye, there is a tattoo etched deep inside of me, a permanent scar from a battle I would rather forget.

The effects of the violence would follow me into my own world as an adult, a secret I kept hidden from friends, colleagues and relationships. Suddenly, my secret was out, unwillingly I was a victim and a survivor of a life I did not ask for nor chose as my life's journey. In 1988, my parents divorced and the holidays were around the corner. My mother and I spent the Christmas holidays together, the first without my father and the last one without my mother. I rang in the new year with a feeling of hope that we could finally move forward with our lives.

Abruptly, in 1989, after their deaths, I left a successful business career for a world that provided little, if any, hope and assistance to abuse victims and their children.

I did not realize when I began working with victims of intimate partner abuse, my world would be an important life raft for safety in keeping others alive. Over a decade of running a national agency and providing direct services, I began to incorporate strategies like no other in the country, as the agencies were not familiar with the battleground I knew intimately. Service providers and agencies were layered by politics and paperwork with government forms and numbers instead of thinking outside the box, a box that never belonged there in the first place if lives were to be saved.

This rigid box of "rules and restrictions" are what often kicks the safety and services of a victim to the streets and back to the violence. Yes, a woman returns to the abuser numerous times before she leaves but its also because the family courts and services are either limited or dysfunctional. And all too often it is based on income she makes too much, too little or there is not enough funding available for what is required. Ironically, the funding issues in my world were never an obstacle in keeping victims alive. With little or no resources, each person I assisted did not die. Instead, they moved forward with their lives, most went back to school to obtain degrees others found paying jobs as the sole support of the household turning their lives around minus the threat of violence. I think it was because I took the time with them, something I noticed from the begining that was not happening when a victim reached out for help.

I learned from being in the trenches and providing hands on services combined with making time to explain to victims-- meant the difference between life and death. I would go beyond the sterile basic information and red tape of guidlelines set by funders and various government agencies, people who were and continue to do so today, more concerned with tabulating stats of human lives that amounted to nothing more then entering useless garbage into a data base that had nothing to do with safety or leaving and never returning to the abuse or the system for help. One cannot effectively assist a victim of intimate partner by sitting behind a desk when they have never left the comfort of their offices, when they have never been inside the real world of sheer terror and violence that victims endure daily. Often placing victims in something labeled a shelter, government funded that does not in many ways meet the needs of victims. As I have always said like our own DNA no two cases of abuse are alike.

The days of placing a bandage on intimate partner violence, as though it were a boo-boo, are over. When a system does what it has always done, the results will be the same. It did not work out for women like my mother, unable to speak today, because they were silenced in the prime of their lives, murdered in cold blood.

As we enter the year 2011, know that the death toll across the country for those who lose their lives because of intimate partner violence does not have to be a predictable outcome in some hardwired data base, ultimately marked by a cemetary headstone as in years past. A child no longer has to acompany their mother to the emergency room on Christmas morning filling their pockets with candy canes in a cold waiting room as the doctors stich their mothers head or set a broken limb and sent back out into uncertainty and fear that the next time they might not be so lucky.

In the new year I would like everyone who reads this to join me in ending the abuse. How, you ask? Each time a news story about a victim who was killed comes across your facebook page or you read about a case in the Huffington post, AOL News, Google, Newsvine, USA Today, the Examiner, The Washington Post, New York Times or see it on Nancy Grace, Fox News, Good Morning America, MSNBC, the Oprah Show, Dr. Phil, NPR Radio or any number of news programs send them a brief paragraph about the book Time's Up and that these cases no longer have to be tragic. That women such as Susan Powell, Stacy Peterson, Vensus Stewart, Angel Downs, Renee' Pernice, Kathleen Savio and others if killed their words will speak from the grave in a court a court of law. The person responsible will be arrested.

The upside is that this book saves lives. The mothers, sisters, girlfriends and children currently living in fear who live in harms way each and every day need this book the most. It is up to us to see that the information and knowledge is in their hands.

And to ensure every domestic violence agency, court building, library, church, community center, hospital, business and school has a copy of the book Time's Up: A Guide on How to leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships. And for a domestic violence provider, social worker, first responder, government agency, school, business or individual who says that cannot afford it? You can not afford not too!

Time's UP !!!

From the site www.victimadvocates.blogspot.com:

Susan’s writing is based on doing. It is based on the irrefutable credential of experience, both as a residual victim of interpersonal violence and a tireless advocate for others who suffer. This book is born from working in the trenches for twenty years and the necessity of crafting working solutions to help ensure individual safety from batters and stalkers.

TIMES UP is a comprehensive guide for women in danger. Every advocate owes it to those they work to assist to obtain this book.The contents provide specific steps towards safety and addresses issues that a person who is stressed and in fear may not think of. This guide can provide structure in the midst of chaos.

Among the tools and forms is the original idea of an “Abuse Affidavit”, a sworn statement detailing the facts of an individual’s victimization, preserving the specifics so they are not lost even if the victim is. It is difficult to think about speaking from the grave but no different than any life insurance policy obtained in consideration for those left behind.

An “Abuse Affidavit” has the additional psychological benefit of being forced face reality and admit that the potential for the ultimate kind of violence exists…and that if it occurs the perpetrator will be held accountable.

Purchase and read TIMES UP as an advocate to continue to learn and practice informed advocacy. Give TIMES UP to concerned friends or family members looking for solutions for a loved one who is in danger. Most of all, find a way to share this valuable guide with the domestic violence and stalking victims you know and work with. It has all the information and tools to empower a crime victim to save her own life.......Diane Fanning, Author

Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is an expert on intimate partner violence and homicide crimes. For more information visithttp://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/ She is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and wherever books are sold.

Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on Here Women Talk http://www.herewomentalk.com/ and is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr. Laurie Roth http://www.therothshow.com/

Fuel-Passenger-Flight-Hijack: Intimate Partner Violence

by Susan Murphy-Milano

Angie never thought when she married her husband in 1988 that she would be "one of those women." Stuck in a relationship with a controlling and violent man. She met her husband in her last year of college. He came from a stable family environment and by all appearances acted normal. While they dated he was very attentive to her. Angie graduated magna cum laude with a masters degree in nursing. They dated for about a year before deciding to marry. The couple settled down in Florida. He had a contacting business and Angie worked at a nearby hospital.

Six months or so into the marriage Angie's husband began with verbal assaults. Angie says "he didn't like me to work extra shifts, you know he always wanted to know where I was at all times. When I didn't come home straight after my shift he would accuse me of fooling around with an intern or doctor on staff. It seemed there was nothing I could do to please him. And yet I was not doing anything wrong. Most nights he found fault over everything from the how I wore my hair to the way I cleaned the bathroom. One night I got called into work a shift. We only had one bathroom and I needed to jump in the shower. On purpose my husband tripped me in the hallway. I should have left then and never returned. But I learned the day before I was pregnant."

Angie said she loved him and believed he was under pressure to make a go of the contracting business. She excused his behavior. Angie wanted to believe his outbursts were only temporary. When Angie announced they were going to have a baby her husband was happy and their relationship improved. Once their daughter was born "he changed all the attention was on the baby, not on him." The fights became physical. Angie stayed because she was too embarrassed to seek help or tell anyone she was a victim of abuse. "My God, I am an educated woman, how could this have happened to me? Where was I going with an infant?"

Angie gave birth to another daughter two years later. She worked part-time at the hospital and on weekends when a shift was available. Trying to see the good in her husband Angie continued to convince herself the rare moments of good were enough to outweigh the bad. Over the years the bad consisted of broken jaws, wrists and ribs. "He would always apologize, nurse me back on my feet and repeat the abuse once I was my old self."

When her oldest entered high school she made an appointment to see an attorney. Angie had money hidden away and could get a job anywhere in the country. Her husband found out and informed Angie "if she went through with a divorce" it would be her death. In no uncertain terms Angie's life had been permanently hijacked.

In 2009, with both her children grown and living their lives, Angie began making arrangements to end the marriage. But she had to do it very carefully. If he got wind of her plans, Angie felt certain she would be dead. Angie was in crisis and required a road-map with directions.

Angie reached out to me and we formulated a plan of action. She started taking items from the home that would not be missed. Angie secured a post office box and a cell phone from Walmart that could not be tracked.

She was very careful not to tell anyone. Following the information in both the Moving Out Moving On book and the Time's Up guide, Angie at her own pace moved forward.

This past Thursday, Angie prepared a letter to her husband, informing him she had left. This is important as he would have reported her missing. Her attorney advised against it, I argued it was necessary to do for many reasons. With everything she needed already in another state in her new home, Angie placed the letter on the counter and headed out to the driveway where her girlfriend was waiting to take her to the airport.

Saturday Angie spent the first night of what will be many in her new home. Sunday morning she called to report how good she felt. "My life, I have control of my life."

A good relationship should not be lived in secrecy or fear. A good relationship is one where both partners are treated with mutual respect and love.

Angie's life was hijacked by an abusive relationship. She embarked on a journey in 1988 with the goal of living happily ever after. Instead, Angie became a passenger on a flight of never ending violence and abuse. Once she took the steps to take back her life and implement a plan of action that fit her needs, Angie was no longer a passenger, but a survivor. In the middle of her life she changed flight plans, charting her own course to a life without the fear of violence.

If you are in a relationship that has a history of violence, simply mustering up the courage to confront the person and say it is over, without the proper tools, can cost you, your life!

One of the major reasons women stay in abusive relationships is fear. They are afraid of what will happen to them and their children if they leave. Sadly, their fears are often justified; statistics show that a woman is at the greatest risk for injury when she announces her plans or leaves an abusiverelationship. The book "Time's Up A Guide on How To Survive and Abusive and Stalking Relationship"is the prescription, if you will, that every person must obtain before they announce they are leaving. Below is an example from Chapter 4, one of many unique tools provided in the book. It is available on Amazon.com, or you can purchase via e-book or on a cd. If you have questions, the email address is: timesupforjustice@gmail.com

Before you decide that you have had enough and are ending the relationship, create for yourself the "Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit" and video (shown below).

If you do nothing else, please take one important step that if something does happen to you, if you do vanish like Stacy Peterson, Vensus Stewart, Rachel Anderson, Susan Powell, Lisa Stebic, or arefoundmurdered like Monica Beresford-Redmond, Franki Jacobson, Renee Pagel, Summer Inman,Kelly Rothwell and others where the person responsible has gotten away with murder that your voice and record of the abuse will be captured and recorded. Do it for you friends, family and loved ones. Do it for your children. Do it for you!

Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit by Susan Murphy Milano from the Book "Time's Up"from Courage Networkon Vimeo.

If you have questions, the email address is: timesupforjustice@gmail.com

This book doesn't merely discuss when you should leave or why you should leave, it tells you HOW you should leave. The book has step-by-step instructions how to covertly make a plan, set-up a safe escape, deal with financial issues, and the paperwork. Susan even takes you line-by-line through the process, the forms, the legal issues...she takes you by the hand, and, believe me, when you are being terrorized and you are an basket case, you don't need vague ideas, you need specific instructions. TIME'S UP can save your life and your sanity. If you need to get out, get this book before you make a mistake that could be fatal. It is money well spent.

Topeka Kansas: Successfully Votes Making "Domestic Violence Legal"

By Susan Murphy Milano

In Topeka, Kansas on October 11, 2011, members of the City Council voted and successfully repealed the city's ordinance banning domestic violence during National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Talk about a punch, a kick and slap for victims of intimate partner violence by city government’s financial misconduct as their excuse for not wanting to do their jobs. At the center of dysfunction, the absent District Attorney Chad Taylor, who is refusing to prosecute domestic violence crimes in the city.

During the two hour televised council meeting, the one sided discussion from 7 of the 10 elected members amounted to nothing more than political finger pointing. Leading the charge, and ultimately dictating the vote, was Interim City Manager Dan Stanley, brow beating those during the hearing into submission of his way or the highway. It was classic manipulation "101" presented in a live stream real time format.

According to National Advocate, organizer and expert Claudine Dombrowski, in attendance at the City Council meeting, “I witnessed the Council of elected officials support the decriminalization of domestic violence within the city limits of Topeka and berate speakers, who were survivors and victims. The elected council members temper tantrums during the meeting and finger pointing were disgusting.”

Approximately 24 years ago, after years of lobbying by victims, advocates and families of those slain by their partner, legislation was signed by Governors nation-wide making domestic violence a crime. The pen used to sign the bill, was not filled with ink, but the blood of all those who lives were lost at the hands of those professing to love them.

This "stunt" today will cost Topeka more than the mere 10% budget shortfall cited by city officials as the reason not to prosecute. Expect an increase in intimate partner related missing persons cases (providing they will still be allowed to make a report) and count on more funerals for those victims whom the police did not respond.

This certainly gives new meaning to creating prevention and awareness during National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, doesn't it?

· “16,800 homicides (that are reported) attributed to intimate partner homicide per year, 2.2 million medically treated injuries costing $37 BILLION per year.

· The cost of intimate partner violence exceeds $5.8 billion dollars each year; $4.1 billion of which is for medical and mental health services.”

· Almost one-third of female homicide victims that are reported in police records are killed by an intimate partner.

· In 70-80% of intimate partner homicides, no matter which partner was killed, the man physically abused the woman before the murder.

· Less than one-fifth of victims reporting an injury from intimate partner violence sought medical treatment following the injury.

· Intimate partner violence results in more than 18.5 million mental health care visits each year.

NCDAV reporting sourced from: The Cost of Violence in the United States. 2007. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Centers for Injury Prevention and Control. Atlanta, GA
NCDAV reporting sourced from: The Cost of Violence in the United States. 2007. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Centers for Injury Prevention and Control. Atlanta, GA
Federal Bureau of Investigation, Uniform Crime Reports “Crime in the United States, 2000,” (2001)
NCDAV report sourced from: Campbell, et al. (2003). “Assessing Risk Factors for Intimate Partner Homicide.” Intimate Partner Homicide, NIJ Journal, 250, 14-19. Washington, D.C.: National Institute of Justice, U.S. Department of Justice
U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics, “Intimate Partner Violence in the United States,” December 2006
Costs of Intimate Partner Violence against Women in the United States. 2003.

****

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is a specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies and high risk cases and available for personal consultations through the Institute. She is also part of the team at Management Resources Limited of New York.

Susan is the author of "Time's Up: A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships,"Moving out, Moving on, and Defending Out Lives. Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host on Crime Wire.

"The Wrong Kind of Love"

By Susan Murphy-Milano

At what cost to ourselves do we remain in a relationship? Likely this is not a question we ever ask ourselves. But, why not?

Could it be that in our lives we settle? Are we too embarrassed to admit when the individual we have chosen to spend our lives with is not who they were at the beginning of the relationship? The answer is yes.

The wrong kind of love includes emotional warfare. A destructive game played in a relationship when a person chips away at the very foundation of another individual. Emotional warfare is an invisible dagger to the heart. You don't see it coming when confronted. Below are some examples of :

Emotional Abuse

• Name calling: “you’re a bitch, a whore, fat, ugly, stupid, slut, trash”.
• You are constantly told that you are crazy, that you need a psychiatrist; they threaten to have you committed. They tell your children that you are crazy and make them believe that they are not safe with you. They hide personal items in an attempt to convince you or others that, “you are losing it.”
• They intentionally say things to embarrass you in front of others. They make remarks about your appearance or belittle you. They talk over you if you are engaged in conversation, or consistently contradict you in an effort to discredit you, or make you feel stupid.
• They ignore you when you have “been bad”, or do not do as you are told. They act like you are not in the room. You are made to feel that you are invisible.
• They withhold praise or affection. They make you feel that your mere presence disgusts them, that you are unattractive, and unworthy of them or anyone else.

• You are made to feel worthless, no good, and stupid. You are told you’re your opinions do not count, that you couldn’t possibly have anything to say that anyone would want to hear.
• You are made to feel that your past has no value; your childhood memories, your holiday traditions, your faith, and even your family. Regardless of your education, or your past experiences, your prior existence means nothing to them, and even the mention of it can illicit negative consequences.
• They accuse you of having affairs, lying, or conspiring against them.

Just because you are not physically hurt in your relationship does not mean you are free and clear. Emotional abuse can and does lead to intimate partner homicide. In many of the recent cases where women have gone missing and have yet to be found, they were never hit or beaten with fists. Instead, words, the same as you see above were their abusers weapons. When that no longer worked they went from words to action, silencing women and the mothers of their own children, forever.

You cannot fix or rescue these individuals. They are toxic and dangerous to any relationship.

Before you consider filing for a divorce or moving out, you better have a plan. He (the abuser) has one if you leave. And the last time I checked designer body bags were not considered a fashion statement.

Time's Up!

[Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is an expert on intimate partner violence and homicide crimes. For more information visit http://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/ She is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and wherever books are sold.

She is also part of the team at Management Resources Limited of New York.

Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on Here Women Talk http://www.herewomentalk.com/ and is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr. Laurie Roth http://www.therothshow.com/

The Cue Center "Bringing Them Home"

By Susan Murphy-Milano

The phone rings around the clock. Families from all walks of life looking for someone to listen and help them find their missing child, sister, brother, daughter, mother, grandmother, father or friend. On the other the voice answers "Cue Center, Monica speaking."

If the person's case is not registered with the Cue Center for Missing Persons, Monica Caison or a volunteer explains the process to the caller guiding them to either fill out the forms on line or if they do not have access to a computer, they are mailed directly to the person. Once the forms are completed and the case is registered, the work begins.

Since 1994, this dynamo of a woman has helped thousands of families across the country recover their missing loved ones. Last week while returning from Mineral Wells Texas on a search for Krishonda Townsend, 19 years of age, who went missing on July 4, 2010, she got a call while on her way back from that search, literally turning her car around and headed on another missing persons case with her agency, Crystal Gayle Soles from Andrews, South Carolina.

Crystal Soles, 28, had been missing since Jan. 24, 2005. Her mother said at the time of her daughters disappearance that Crystal called her father from the Shaw’s Corner Store in Andrews saying she was on her way home. She never made it home that night. Last week, Monica Caison who headed up the search along with dive teams, law enforcement and volunteers, recovered her remains and brought her home.

The work of the Cue Center gives families hope. What the public does not see behind the scene's is the care and devotion given to each missing person's case and the family. Before a search, Monica and her team for weeks, pour over maps in the area. They work closely with law enforcement and strategically plan out the area where the person was last known to be seen. Orchestration of horses, specially trained cadaver dog teams along with trained volunteers cover to eliminate miles of ground during each search and rescue. Food and water is donated to feed the workers. Hotel and travel arrangements are made. All prior to arrival. Family members of the missing loved one are not allowed to participate. Instead, they are provided a loving and caring setting by the Cue Center and wait nearby hoping for news that their loved one was found.

Monica Caison and the Staff at the Cue Center is made up of all volunteers. No one draws a paycheck, including its' founder, Monica. During the past several months I have come to know the many of the families registered with agency. The work they accomplish for each individual family of the missing is incredible.

Monica Caison and the Cue Center shows us all that with shear passion and determination for families and their missing loved ones, she is not only their hope, but in my opinion, the brightest star in the universe!

National Conference for Missing Persons : CUE Center for Missing Personswww.ncmissingpersons.org


Join us for our upcoming national conference for missing persons and all who work in the arena from advocating, volunteerism, investigation, search and rescue and identification process of those who are lost.

"Dead Wives Club"

By Susan Murphy-Milano

Earlier in the week the case of missing Utah mother Susan Powell, who has not been seen since December 7, 2009, made national headlines. The family was contacted by authorizes when remains were discovered in a Wyoming field that might be those of the missing Utah mother, the family as they have been since the day she vanished braced themselves hopes of finally being able to bring her home. But, it was not Susan Powell.In the world of intimate partner violence, the person responsible or those labeled as “person’s of interest” or “prime suspects” hope the person with whom they were in a relationship or married too, are never found. This speaks volumes as to the mindset of these killers. They look at the women, the mothers of their children as their property, similar to the assets acquired during the marriage.

The abuser is often enraged by the loss of power and control, not interested in what I term "sharing the dolls and dishes" accumulated during the marriage. So they formulate a plan and change the marriage certificate into a pending death certificate to be filled out and completed like a deadly bill of sale for discarded property. Before my mother was made a member of the "dead wives club" the rights to her own life, no different than those listed, were always owned and operated by my father.

After these pieces of cowardly human garbage wives and the mothers of their children is reported missing, the vanishing victims lives are weaved into brief by-lines in a community paper then the case stays alive because it is continued over to interactive forums and Internet sites like Websleuths, Scared Monkeys or Help Find The Missing. Human lives, that once move out from the 20 second headline blurb are kept warm with new developments posted until an arrest is made or it has been solved.

The wives and mothers, whose bodies have yet to be recovered, all vanished -- not under mysterious circumstances. The women simply wanted out of the abusive and often violent marriage. It's rare that most of these so-called missing persons cases includes any records of the abuse during the marriage. And in my opinion, once a report is made, each time enough information is gathered by authorities the crime reporting category under how it is checked off on the form box needs to be moved from "a missing persons" case to "intimate partner homicide investigation" case. For a victim of abuse, calling the police during a violent incident can and does set off the abuser and escalate the violence. If the victim has children, her motherly protection mode kicks in, and she backs down for the safety of the kids.

A victim of intimate partner violence makes an initial request, as they attempt to calmy reason with their potentially violent, controlling husbands to amicably end the marriage and move on is what happens to women such as:

Susan Powell -vanished December 7, 2009;
Stacy Peterson- Vanished October 28, 2007,

Kellisue Ackernecht- vanished September 30, 2008;

Sandra Travis-vanished July 31, 2005;

Tara Grinstead-Vanished October 22, 2005;
Rosa Lisowski-vanished September 5, 2008;
Bethanie Dougherty-vanished May 4, 2007;
Venus Stewart- vanished April 26, 2010;
Liza Murphy- vanished August 19, 2007;
Rachel Anderson- vanished April 16, 2010;
Lisa Stebic- vanished April 20, 2007 ;
Renee Pernice, vanished January 1, 2009;

Or those found dead, like Kathleen Savio in a dry bathtub; Monica Beresford-Redmond, beaten to death and left in a drainage sewer in Mexico; and Linda Yancey, whose police officer husband claimed she was a victim of a home invasion. They are only a handful of women who were forced into membership in the ever growing “Dead Wives Club.”

Exclusive War Coverage: The Murders of Stacy Peterson and Kathleen Savio

By Susan Murphy Milano



In March 1, 2004, there was no media coverage in the silencing of Kathleen Savio whose death was ruled "accidential."


Just blocks away from where Kathleen's body was discovered 2 1/2 years earlier, in October of 2007, another war erupted and Stacy Peterson was taken capitive again by the same predator, and serial abuser, former police Sergeant Drew Peterson.

The front page headlines would name both women in the search for the young wife and mother. Within 3 days the Will County State's Attorney's office would begin the legal process and exhume the body of Kathleen. The cases were now joined at the hip, you could not mention one woman without discussing the other. In Chicago it filled the front page headline's for months. But so did Drew Peterson's sudden thrust into the national spotlight. Within a week, Drew Peterson's was a household name and the two victims in the war of intimate partner homicide were refered and labled as wife #3 and wife #4.

Strangers, friends and family members worked tirelessly to keep the flame burning on each case, in particular because Stacy had vanished more emphasis was placed on finding her and brining her home. A site no longer available "findstacypeterson.com"with membership in the thousands, created by the family and friends of Stacy was the only place where the young wife and mother would be featured and information with updates would run 24/7. Other's sites such as Juror13 and Websleuths also carried round-the-clock coverage. The national media however would discard this young woman's life, including her conversations with Pastor Neil Schori, as though she were invisible. During this time Drew Peterson was reaching millions via Larry King Live, MSNBC, NBC Today, Good Morning America, Greta, Nancy Grace, Jane Valdez-Mitchell, CNN, Anderson Cooper, Bill O'Reilly, Geraldo, John Gibson, CBS Morning Show, Scared Monkey's Radio, NPR News, People Magazine, The National Enquirer among others. Peterson was prancing, smiling while and acting as though he had jumping beans under his chair in the studio's where he was interviewed while surrounded by the bright lights.

Within months the "catch me if you can" theme song would become Peterson's anthem. With words and lyrics compsed by the man of the hour himself. Verses in his song included "Stacy ran away, it's a bright new day, catch me if you can that's all I'm gonna say." The national media played Peterson's words like a hit record for 18 long months until he was finally arrested for the murder of Kathleen Savio.

Now, nearly 3 years after Stacy Peterson vanishes the Chicago Sun-Times decides to play his song again, only this time from behind bars while he awaits trial. Without any regard for the victims of war or their surviving family members. A jounalist by the name of Michael Sneed and the editors of the Chicago Sun-Times punish these two dead women, saying their voices and lives had no significance, printing his words in a letter authored by in my opinion, from the man whom murdered both Kathleen Savio and Stacy Peterson.

I realize the photo's from the crime scene when Kathleen Savio's body was found will likely never be released and kept under seal from the public. For three reasons:

1st-If you saw these particular photo's you would know by viewing them that she was beaten. Brusises covered her back, torso, arms, shoulders, stomach and legs. From the naked eye there was no doubt this was not an accident, Kathleen Savio was murdered.

2nd- The way her body was positioned in the tub is something commonly taught at the police academy, dipicting a staged crime scene.

3rd-Those investigators who looked away by not documenting her murder, thinking they were doing their fellow buddy in blue a favor, caused the killing of yet another innocent victim of war Stacy Peterson.

I for one would like the names of these so called investigators along with former State's Attorney Tomczak to be gathered together for a formal Senate investigation hearing for the "war on intimate partner homicide." I realize it will do nothing to give Stacy Peterson and Kathleen Savio back their lives. But it will do so much to prevent future casualities in this war. Peterson is a social and psychotic nightmare of the worst kind, and we can learn a great deal in talking, reviewing and analyzing what has and hasn't happened since the murders.

"If you are outraged by the Chicago Sun Time and their disregard for the families of Kathleen Savio and Stacy Peterson by making headlines of Drew Peterson's jailhouse letters, do your part and let them know by calling, emailing or faxing. Nothing will change unless action is taken. The columnist, Micheal Sneed and her editor, should know that by making decisions based on headlines and readership instead of integrity and ethics is one of the reasons the public fuels people like Drew Peterson."

Fax number to the Chicago Sun Times is 312-321-3084

Michael Sneeds direct email address is : msneed@suntimes.com

Andrew Hermann, Managing Editor 312-321-3000

Zach Finken, News Editor 312-321-3000

"My Cry For Help"

By Susan Murphy-Milano

I am posting this in hopes you will take a moment to help me.

I can jump up and down all day long and never drive the point across enough that violence in the home is the slaughter of innocent victims and their children dying at the hands of men who believe they hold the ultimate power to play God, killing and erasing human lives.

I am embarrassed to this day, although more than 20 years have passed to say how I became an expert in the issue of abuse, stalking and intimate partner homicide and officer related domestic violence. I am ashamed to have grown up in a home where the man who gave me life, a law enforcement officer, my father, regularly terrorized and beat my mother.

As a small child the only aide I could offer my mom was to pull the chair from the kitchen table up to the telephone so I could call someone for help while my father was beating my mother bloody. The moment I found my mom’s body lying in her own pool of blood dead of a single gunshot wound to the head I lost my entire world.

After my parents died I would create a world like no other, a world I knew all too well. A world under my watch a woman and her child would no longer be terrorized, beaten or living in constant fear. A world where prosecutors and law enforcement did their jobs when I took a victim's case of stalking or domestic violence. A world where when a woman was murdered I stood with the family demanding answers and justice. A world where thousands of victim’s calls for help regardless of the hour were answered and directed to services 24/7 and are thriving because of it today. A world created because I refused to allow another woman like my mother to die on my watch.

Fast forward to my life today, twenty years later working towards the same goals with a mad scientist like fever to come up with the cure. A cure created to protect victims of domestic violence and stalking alive away from dangerous controlling and potentially lethal abusers. A cure, that if I cannot prevent a tragedy because I am unable to be there personally directing the victim to safety, at least when they are found murdered, or they are reporte d missing by the loving husband or concerned boyfriend, justice will prevail even from the grave.

Yes, the cure is here and now available.
Spread the word about the prescription. I need your help to accomplish this important milestone. Without you the victims will continue filling the cemetaries.

I could ask you to do a shout-out to Oprah, Gayle King, Jane Velez- Mitchell, Anderson Cooper, Bill O’Reilly, Lis Wheil or Nancy Grace that may be effective if your email can get past the spam filter, providing its read, and a live person responds, but that is not as powerful as your voice.

Each time you read a story on the Internet of another stalking or domestic violence related death post a comment with the link to the “Time’s Up” book and Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit and Video which has step-by-step instructions in Chapter 4 for a victim to create (example of the video is below). Let others know the prescription is now available for world-wide use to every victim of stalking and domestic violence. Send an email each time to a reporter after you see a story on domestic violence and tell them about the prescription. Write the producers of news and crime shows so they mention it each time they discuss a tragic case where another woman has been murdered and the person of interest has yet to be arrested. Ask bloggers, Internet sites the drudge report, huffington post, smoking gun, mom logic or reporters, radio show personalities to consider writing a review on the information and strategies in the book. Also, if you would, leave a comment on Amazon.com.

Time’s Up' is more than a manual, a handbook, it’s more than just another book, it’s a ‘Lifesaver,’ a surefire roadmap chocked full of ways to document evidence and protect yourself; in protecting yourself, you are also protecting your children from a life with an abuser. With your help we will eventually see a copy of ‘Time’s Up’ in every library, every police department, every school, every church and every shelter where those who need help can utilize it and protect themselves from an abuser.

"Times Up" needs national exposure. It wasn't written to impress the professionals. It was written to save lives.” Peter Hyatt, Investigator, State of Maine Statement Analysis Labratory for Scientific Interrogation.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Since this was written in 2010 there is a new website available where victims and advocates alike can get information about the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit: Document The Abuse.Com





Been there, done that…” Susan Murphy- Milano has turned a tired phrase into demonstrable realism through the gift of her newly published book, "TIME'S UP: A GUIDE ON HOW TO LEAVE AND SURVIVE ABUSIVE AND STALKING RELATIONSHIPS

Fair and Balanced News Coverage? I Don't Think So!

By Susan Murphy Milano

Last weekend Oscar winners Halle Berry and Jamie Foxx attended the Jenesse Center’s Silver Rose Gala in Beverly Hills, which works to help families who suffer from domestic violence. Unless you watched TMZ or access Hollywood on television you likely missed the fact that star power was working towards brining awareness to this national epidemic. The event did not appear on CNN , Fox News or any mainstream media.

As we know Intimate partner violence knows no bounds, and this includes those from the gay and lesbian community and men who are also victims. But the hard reality is that 98% of women in a stalking or domestic violence related relationship are the ones who are not only affected, but they are the gender with more headstones in grave yards than those that lost their lives during the Vietnam War.

“It’s important for everyone who has a voice, who has a chance to have global or national spotlight to use that voice for good,” said Halle Berry.

But I liked what Jamie Foxx said as he spoke on what he feels is a double standard in the way some men approach the issue, saying “A lot of times you see the split. You see people try to make excuses for guys’ behavior. And it’s not fair and it’s not right.” The actor nailed it.





We are seeing a double standard in the way the “country” approaches the issue from first responders, judges, the courts turning a deaf ear to the media who often writes what I term the “glorified killer” obituary. That’s when a media related article on the tragedy appears mentioning the person who was killed and goes on to write “what a great person or family man” this bozo was to slaughtered their loved ones. Or if the person suspected of the crime does not commit suicide remaining alive, the media often writes about the alleged killer’s mental state, frame of mind or quotes a family member saying “they are innocent” because the person would do nothing to harm anyone.


Those family members need to wake up and get their head from out of their respective behinds.


A classic example is the case of Sandra Viramontes, 30, of Chicago, who was beaten and bruised covering 90 percent of her body. No one could say for sure how many hours she was unconscious before her mother received a call from her son-in-law saying her daughter needed medical attention back in January of 2010.

When the mother walked in to her daughter’s home Luis Viramontes, the son-in-law was gone in his place a relative who stood by and did nothing until the mother shouted to call 911. But it was too late.

At the hospital a trauma doctor informed the family “they had never seen anybody get a beating like that before.” Sandra’s had been beaten and bruised over 90 percent of her body. After the doctors ran tests the family was told her injuries were not survivable and two weeks later while in her mother’s she was taken off life support.

My question is how the hell was this bozo allowed bail in the first place? Her condition was critical and she was not going to survive her injuries. Maybe the judge who set his bond did not consider Luis, "oh so gentle" as dangerous.

This is a classic case of senseless and ignorant denial. It makes my skin crawl when I read comments made by members or friends of a killer’s family, “he always been real gentle.” Another comment as if to set the tone when this case goes to trial, “Luis couldn’t sleep or he cried nonstop.” Was this before during and after the beating? Or was it only when this cowardly individual realized he’d better have a few witnesses to testify as to his acting out the part of showing remorse for murdering his wife and the mother of his two young children? He probably thought it all out and carefully deciding what he would tell the person who will represent him that he lost control or it was an accident he had no intention of hurting her. The defense attorney will respond something like “I’ll talk to the State and see if we can get the charges reduced to manslaughter or second degree murder. Or maybe he’ll get his client a deal. You know so he will not have to spend the rest of his life in prison.
Part of the solution is for families, even those of the person committing the violence to speak up and step to the plate when they sense or know a family member is hurting a loved one. Another important component to this epidemic is for the mainstream media to report these incidents of violence and bloodshed with the same fire power they cover politics issues that affect everyday Americans’.

It is then, that we will have a level playing field for everyone affected by intimate partner violence to understand the cause, the solution and possibly the ability to prevent the bloodshed because the issue is out in the forefront. Instead of hiding this epidemic behind closed doors swept under the rug no different than those whom are suffering and entering cemeteries in silence.


"Been there, done that…” Susan Murphy- Milano has turned a tired phrase into demonstrable realism through the gift of her newly published book, "TIME'S UP: A GUIDE ON HOW TO LEAVE AND SURVIVE ABUSIVE AND STALKING RELATIONSHIPS"