Why You Only Remember The Good Stuff of a Bad Relationship

By Sandra L. Brown

Over and over again women are puzzled by their own process in trying to recover from a pathological relationship. What is puzzling is that despite the treatment they received by him, despite the absolute mind-screwing he did to her emotions, not only is the attraction still VERY INTENSE but also the POSITIVE memories still remain strong.

Women say the same thing--that when it comes to remaining strong in not contacting him (what we call 'Starving the Vampire') she struggles to pull up (and maintain the pulled up) negative memories of him and his behavior that could help her keep strong and detached.

But why? Why are the positive memories floating around in her head freely and strongly and yet the bad memories are stuffed in a 'mind closet' full of fuzzy cobwebs that prevent her from actively reacting to those memories?

There are a couple of reasons and we'll discuss today the first one. Let's think of your mind like a computer. Memories are 'stored' much like they are stored on a computer. Pain and traumautic memories are stored differently than positive memories.

Pulling up the negative memories from your hard drive is different than pulling up a memory that is on your desk top as an icon emblem. Traumatic memories get fragmented on their way to being stored on the hard drive. They get divided up into more than one file. In one file is the emotional feelings, another file is the sights, another file the sounds, another file the physical sensations.

But a WHOLE and complete memory is made up of ALL those files TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME such as what you emotionally felt, saw, heard, and physically experienced. Just one piece of it doesn't make it a complete memory such as just the positive memory.

A memory is good + bad =complete.

But when things are traumatic, (or stressful) the mind seperates the whole experience into smaller bits and pieces and then stores them seperately in the mind because it's less painful that way.

When women try to 'remind themselves' why they shouldn't be with him, they might get flashes of the bad memory but strangely, the emotional feelings are NOT attached to it. They wonder 'where did the feelings go?' They can see the bad event but they don't feel much about what they remember.

If you are playing a movie without the sound, how do you know what the actors are passionately feeling? It's the same thing with this traumatic recall of memories. You might see the video but not hear the pain in the voices. The negative or traumatic memory is divided up into several files and you are only accessing one of the files---a place where you have stored the positive aspects of the relationship.

To complicate things further, positive memories are not stored like negative memories. They are not divided up into other files. They don't need to be---they aren't traumatic.

So when you remember a time when the relationship was good or cuddly or the early parts of the relationships which are notoriously honeymoon-ish, the whole memory comes up--the emotional feelings, the
visual, the auditory, the sensations. You have a WHOLE and STRONG memory with that. Of course that is WAY MORE appealing to have--a memory that is not only GOOD but one in which you feel all the powerful
aspects of it as well.

Now, close your eyes and pull up a negative memory...can you feel the difference? You might see it but not feel it. Or hear it and not see much of it. Or feel a physical sensation of it but not the emotional piece that SHOULD go with the physical sensation. No matter what your experience is of the negative emotion, it is probably fragmented in some way.

Negative and traumatic memories are often incomplete memories--they are memory fragments floating all over your computer/mind. They are small files holding tiny bits of info that have fragmented your sense of the whole complete memory. These distorted and broken memory fragments are easily lost in your mind. 

If you have grown up in an abusive or alcoholic home, you were already subconsciously trained how to seperate out memories like this. If your abuse was severe enough early on, your mind just automatically does this anyway--if you get scared, or someone raises their voice, or you feel fear in anyway---your brain starts breaking down the painful experience so it's easier for you to cope with.

Next time we will talk about one other way your mind handles positive and negative memories and why you are flooded with positive recall and blocked from remembering and feeling those negative things he's done to you.

In Memory of Susan Murphy Milano

Today (Oct.28) marks the 1 year anniversary of Susan's death. What better way to remember her than to read and learn from the posts that she left behind. There are literally thousands of messages from her at Murphy Milano's Journal, all indignantly calling for the safety of abuse victims.

"But for those fearful or unable to seek service from a domestic violence shelter provider, there is a book available that will take a victim from living in fear to a plan, with a roadmap to safety. "

MurphyMilano's Journal

DocumentTheAbuse.Com

HoldingMyHandThroughHell.Com

ConqueringCancer.Me

Related articles

• The Roth Show: Anny Jacoby Discusses Personal Safety Planning for Domestic Violence Victims (imaginepublicity.com)
• Michelle S. Cruz Talks to Dr. Laurie Roth About Rights of Domestic Violence Victims (imaginepublicity.com)
• Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Change Is Here, Action! (imaginepublicity.com)
• Your Health is Wealth with Dr. Akoury: Domestic Violence Awareness Month (imaginepublicity.com)
• Neil Schori Keynote Speaker at "Take Back the Night" Event (imaginepublicity.com)

Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit (EAA) Timeless Tool For Escaping Abusive Relationships

Carrying the torch of Susan Murphy Milano’s work through Document The Abuse,  many advocates are bringing awareness to audiences and organizations across the country of the benefits of the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit and teaching how it can be incorporated into existing protocols.

The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit (EAA) was first introduced in Susan Murphy Milano's book, Time's Up: A Guide on How to Safely Leave an Abusive and Stalking Relationship and is still one of the most  significant contributions to the complicated issue of keeping victims of abuse from becoming murder victims. The importance of the EAA to first responders, law enforcement, court personnel, hospital personnel and domestic violence advocates was Murphy Milano's mission before her untimely death from cancer on October 28, 2012.

Time's Up contains all the information needed to create and complete a personal safety and escape plan, enhancing standard safety plans and personalizing the victim's own requirements.  The book has been offered as training to several advocates and organizations around the country and is often used as a textbook.

What is the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit (EAA)?  From Document The Abuse:

The E.A.A. is a detailed, yet simple to perform process that walks the victim step-by-step through creating a legal document that will stand the test of many of the legal hurdles that are thrown at intimate partner violence and stalking cases.

The process helps the victim to prepare her history of abuse and stalking, utilize the included documents, gather other needed evidence, and distribute the documentation to specified people.

“The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit contains information that is critical to help victims’ in documenting their experiences and creating a record to insure that instances of abuse are memorialized should they be needed for future use in the legal system” (Donna Pendergast is the First Assistant Attorney General Office of Special Investigations in Lansing Michigan.)

It is as immediate as buying the Times Up! e-book, downloading it, and following the instructions to prepare the document. For those who are worried about storing an e-book on a shared computer, the Times Up! book also conveniently comes in a print book format with easy to Xerox document pages. Used as a self-help procedure, any victim can easily complete this confidential process and be assured that their experiences are legally documented.

“The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit is another tool to save lives. It’s practical, inspirational and USEABLE. The insights are precise and pragmatic.” (Hon. Nancy Sidote-Salyers, Former Prosecutor, Retired Circuit Court Judge)

The victims will also produce a short video telling in their own words, what abuse and stalking they have experienced. Included in the video is identifying information of the perpetrators identity, a photo, his social security number, place of employment, and patterns of abuse conduct.

Lethality factors are also discussed: weapons, assaults on others, drug use, mental health history and any other detailed information that helps the court understand his dangerousness.

Items of DNA evidence are suggested for collection, legal documents are filled out, a notarization process is followed, and distribution to safe and legal persons makes sure the E.A.A. is available should the victim be seriously harmed, goes missing, or is killed.

iEAA the App from Apple

The iEAA App brings safety planning into the age of technology. Developed by Allen Corporation in conjunction with Susan Murphy Milano and Chet Hosmer, the iEAA App was unveiled on July 4, 2012 (Independence Day) allowing the information to be downloaded and used on any Apple product.

This is the first phase of the App and further improvements and developments are currently in the works to bring the app into the Android market and capability of cloud storage.

Who Needs an EAA and Why?

Until now, the standard response for intimate partner violence and stalking from law enforcement has been:

* Victims are told to report (but action is only taken if you can show evidence of the abuse)
* Victims are told to go to a shelter
* Victims are told to get a restraining order (but usually only granted if there is evidence of the abuse)
* Victims are told to move away (but leaving behind careers, family, and assets)
* Victims are told to stay with someone else
* Victims are told stalking is hard to prove and stalking laws are often weak and poorly defined

This response does not help the victim ‘document’ the situations and specifics of her abuse and her abuser. Outside of a police report or restraining order, documentation has still not occurred. In a case of future serious injury, the victim goes missing, or is killed, nothing exists to link her to her story.

The E.A.A. has the propensity to document the historical aspects of the abuse and record it to challenge 'hearsay' arguments in a case. By simply following the steps of creating an E.A.A. a victim can provide 'before the event' information that presents the history of her case prior to serious injury, disappearance or death. Click here to read more about how the E.A.A. benefits a victim's case.

Information such as details of how the perpetrator has said he would carry out harming, abducting or killing her can be detailed. Admissions or comments made to her about other victims the perpetrator has harmed can be listed. Likely hiding places for weapons or evidence can be revealed. Possible alibis that he would make up for his defense (including identification of people who could be the perp’s co-defendants in her harm, abduction or murder). If the victim has existing scars or active wounds, they can be documented at the time of the E.A.A. creation.

The E.A.A. has the same informational capabilities of providing unknown and unrecognized abuser and stalking risk factors known by the victim.

For detailed information on how the EAA supports cases of abuse: CLICK HERE

For information on education, awareness and training on the EAA or personal assistance in creating your safety plan: CLICK HERE

If you are thinking about leaving an abusive relationship, BEFORE you announce your plans in a fit of anger or unclear thinking, think again and do what it takes to save your own life and keep your children safe.  Create your Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit to maximize your chances of getting out alive!

If you are out of the relationship and need extra support, you can contact The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction for expert information on how to heal.

Time’s Up: A Guide on How to Leave an Abusive and Stalking Relationship can be ordered through Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Books A Million, and all online digital and local book retailers. 

For quantity case orders and discounts, please contact ImaginePublicity, Tel: 843-808-0859, Email: contact@imaginepublicity.com

For detailed information about Susan Murphy Milano in her true crime memoir, Holding My Hand Through Hell, her last book, is available through Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Books A Million, and all online digital and local book retailers, or directly from the publisher, Ice Cube Press.

Based on a true story, told with the flow of a novel, spiced with frank wisdom and wit, Holding My Hand Through Hell encourages the reader to immerse themselves into this family’s life and is an inspiration to become an advocate for change in this world we all share. This book will incite discussion, debate, and heightened awareness about hope, survival, abuse, murder, and its impact on our society. In the end, it will leave readers both applauding this woman as well as wondering how she escaped, sometimes at the eleventh hour. Twenty years later, she has realized that God must have been holding her hand through hell, delivering her from the evils of her life in order to save others.

Continuing on the Path

by Todd Blumhorst

I can’t walk another step on this path. I am not sure how much more I can bear. We will never find answers. If you are a long term cold case homicide or missing persons survivor, then you have probably said one of these phrases or something very similar in your head on many occasions. The weight of the unknown can be a perilous path to walk and defeat is forever brooding over your head. The unknown is always there of your waking moments, jabbing you in the side to constantly reminding you of its presence.

I can relate to that constant reminder in the case of my missing sister. I have had to live in the unknown for 22 years now; that is over half of my life. I have had to do a lot of self-advocacy for our family due to many factors with the law enforcement agency in charge of her case. There have been many times when the cards were stacked against me in my continuing search for answers. There were many times when I wanted to just give up and stop looking for answers. Many nights I would toss and turn in bed wondering how much more would be added to my plate. People have often told me that God trusts us and only gives us what we can handle; I really wish God didn’t trust me so much if this is the case. How does one go forward when faced with mountainous obstacles placed before them to obtain case resolution? When you are the survivor of a long term case where either the killer and or the remains of your loved one remain unknown it becomes difficult to “move on” with your life. The thought of going forward is a terrifying concept for our brains to manage and process.

In my situation, finding a stable grounding was the first hurdle to overcome. I was 16 when she left us and I was already dealing with teen problems and then one huge adult problem was placed in all of our laps. We never imagined having to live this nightmare and my parents did a great job of keeping me on track even though they were blinded by grief. After a while, Veronica wasn’t really brought up around the house and this upset me to no end. I would try to talk about her but the grimaces I would get when she was mentioned gave me the feeling that I was imposing too much on people around me.

As the years passed, I grew older and became involved in a long term relationship; I had hope for some sort of salvation by being able to talk to my partner about Veronica. It soon became evident quickly that he didn’t want to listen to me about my sister either and was asked to not discuss her death with him because it made him feel uncomfortable. I felt lost and didn’t know what to do next because her case had grown cold by this point and no one seemed to care. In hindsight, it’s not that people didn’t care- it was that the pain was so deep that it instilled actual fear in the people of our community. It was when I moved to Tucson where relief came and I found Homicide Survivors. I was finally able to tell my story uninterrupted.

After some time of working on my own grief, I gathered the strength to push for answers in her case. It was out of sheer love for my sister and a sense of justice that propelled me further down the path. It has always been an uphill battle in her case but I always kept the main goal in mind: find her body and advocate for justice for her. Earlier this year I decided that since her case was no longer active I would need to reignite the case with a search. I secured a private organization that performs canine searches for human remains who agreed to assist us in a search. I directed them to a couple of areas we have always suspected to be a potential burial site. We went to the first location and it was quickly determined there were no human remains present; it seemed that another hurdle had been placed before me. We then went to the second site which was quite larger and got two hits within 30 minutes, hope was ignited again that she would soon be found. We are in another holding pattern presently while the leaves and ground in the area dry up and the team can arrange a grid search with more dogs. Hopefully this part of the path is upon us and we start down the path to justice for Veronica.

It is important to me to obtain justice for Veronica; just as you do in your individual cases I am certain. In those moments when doubt creeps into your mind and you feel justice will never come, take a few deep breaths and realize that you can only do your best and much of the situation is out of your control. The love you had for them will be your driver in seeking justice, but don’t beat yourself up should you encounter obstacles. What I have learned in this continuing journey is that our loved ones hear us and they know we are trying to balance the scales of justice. I may not get discovery of her remains or justice, but I keep moving forward and trying to reach that goal and my love for her will sustain me on this journey.

Todd J. Blumhorst, Advocate,
Assistant Volunteer Coordinator

Homicide Survivors Inc.
32 N. Stone Ave. #1408
Tucson, Az. 85701

520.740.5729
azhomicidesurvivors.org

Shelter Yourself From the Storm of Abuse

by Karen Rae Elkins

I’ve set sail with the Lady Bass Anglers Association, the LBAA. I was headed to Lake Ray Hubbard, Texas for the first of four tournaments. This is my Rookie year with the LBAA fishing league. Something magical happens when you have a group of 50 women linked by the common thread of tournament fishing. We arrive wide-eyed and tough enough to meet the challenges of battling any obstacle that would stand in the way of fishing. We all leave the lake a little stronger, a little wiser, holding tight to a fist full of determination to fish again.

When I started learning all about the mechanics of piloting a bass boat on my own, the sunrises seem more alive. Maybe, it was because I felt more alive after I left an abusive relationship. Alone, on a lake somewhere, I could breath in all that had been smothered by the hate and guilt he inflicted on my soul. I sustained major damage when I said no more and left him. Spending time on the water reminded me that I’m not all that he complained needed “changing in me” in order to meet his approval. I replaced the words "if you would just listen to me" with the sweet music of songbirds or rhythmic tap of a woodpecker. Nature nurtures the heart that loves her with food for the soul. It has taken years and many fish on the line to absorb I’m just fine.

March is a quirky weather month for fishing. There are cold days and warm days in-between stirring up the atmosphere. Packing means you carry “IT” all like you’re never coming home, winter clothes and shoes, summer clothes and shoes, warm and cold water tackle, not to mention, electronics and chargers, food, alarm clocks and coffee pot. I carry sentimental items like a photo of the kids, my sons first Bible, a CD that my daughter makes me for the drive and a lure that was given to my dad and I at a tournament we fished years ago. By the time i close the door to the rig and crank the big diesel truck, if it’s not packed in the truck or boat, I don’t need it. This trip would be different from all other tournaments. I was traveling the highway to Texas with my future husband, Professional Canadian Angler, Kasey Fedoriw. Yep, I'm engaged to a good man, a man who will never hurt me and he fishes!
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If you are in an abusive relationship, go ahead and pack like you are never coming home. The weather there will, at some point, turn rough to deadly in an instant. You cant forecast abuse. There are so many reasons to stay but there are many more reasons you must leave. I know what you are thinking, "Things may get better if I will just tough it out and stay". Has he threatened to take you out of this world? Pack like you’re never coming home. If you don’t have “IT” when you leave, count it as gone. There is nothing more valuable than your life. Going back just gives him one more chance to take you out of this world. It is his intent every time he swings at you to take your life. Don’t give him another chance. Why don't you leave?

I watched it rain in Texas and then I watched it rain some more. I watched the lake rise and then I watched it rise some more. I felt the 25 + mph winds as thew blew across the water stirring up the bottom of the lake. Fishermen spend their fair share of time talking and watching the weather details. If I call Tony in Omaha, I'll ask him "How is the weather in Nebraska"? It's an unspoken way of saying how is the fishing? He in return will ask, "How's the weather in the South'? I laugh and say, “Don't get me to lying to ya Tony”. Weathermen lie (not on purpose) to fishermen all the time. The weather makes a liar out of all of us at one time or another.

It is said that your life unfolds as it should and I hold on to this knowledge when I’m fishing. I love Texas lakes. I love catching Texas bass. I arrived in Texas 6 days prior to official practice just to go fishing on one of the most famous lakes in the US, Lake Fork. Bass or no bass if you’ve never seen a sunset on Lake Fork, it can soothe the soul. The sun in every color floats down below the horizon of water in a matter of breath-taking minutes. This would be my second trip to Lake Fork for just fun fishing and soaking up nature at it’s best. I caught my best “record” bass on my first trip to Fork. It was HUGE, no lie.

I used my time on Lake Fork to test two new rods that I had ordered from the man who hand makes beautiful works of art captured in a rod. I broke my Fish Steady rod a week before I left for Texas. Fishermen identify with their rods to the point that the rod is an extension of their hand. Fish Steady is a custom rod made in Alabama by Greg Hughes of Greg’s Custom Rods. The Fish Steady rod is a specialty rod designed for my buzzbaits and jerkbaits. The rod is very short by fishermen standards. I had an angler look at the rod and say, “Karen, That looks like a Snoopy rod to me”. The rod is purple and the reel is purple as well. Just like pink is the color of breast cancer, purple is the symbolic color used to identify domestic violence. I wear a purple fishing jersey as well. I can identify with the abuse that you've felt, because your past never truly goes away. Learn to live with your past while you map out a better future for yourself. I fish steady to bring women and men out of violent relationships. I know what it's like to have felt a touch that is anything but loving, soft, and healing.

Official practice started on a cloudy day. I would have 3 days and about 6 hours to pre-fish. I knew where I wanted to fish and I started exploring the waters. Kasey was my practice partner for the tourney. I loved having him on my boat. He is one of my biggest fans and a huge help in finding fish. He respects me in all I do. I did my homework for the lake 5 days prior to official practice. Each day off the water I spent hours, watching water levels, looking at the water from the land, researching articles, watch videos of fishing and plotting my course.

Anglers are early risers. I awoke on day one of practice with butterflies. I was up at 4 AM packing the boat, packing lunches, watching the weather channel. I did my fair share of killing time before sunrise, too. I said a prayer as the boat left the trailer for the first day of practice. I pray for safety first. I launched between two bridges. The water between the bridges are famous for taking out the engines lower unit. The path out to the channel looks clear but danger lurks below the water in the form of trees and stumps. If I run over a stump I could kill the lower unit and then be unable to compete in the tournament. Replacing the lower unit can take a week or longer.

I had the best Day One of practice I’ve ever had. I found fish in 4 out of 5 locations. I was on top of the world. I had to call a no fishing day for day two of practice. The weather warned of tornados. I do not fish during lightening weather and I sure wasn’t launching the boat in tornado weather. Fishing is one of the most dangerous sports, honest. I believe in safety first on and off the water. Before you cast a line in the water, Mother Nature has to say, “Go fish... or stay on the bank”.

Mother Nature plays her part in every fisherman's life and she is unpredictable. Abuse for the most part can make people lie to themselves and others, like the weathermen lie to us daily. Abuse is the storm for which there is no weather vane to predict where the violent destination will rest. There are no formula’s to predict the outcome of abuse. You can hope for the best but you need to be aware that 2,500 just like you didn’t survive last year’s violence. Every three minutes a woman is being raped. Every eighteen seconds a woman is being beaten. It's happening right now, as I write these words to you. You rarely heard the reports of just how at risk these people were. There were no storm warnings issued for their life. With very few resources spent in the right direction, there are few options to find shelter during the storm of violence.

Like the water on a lake abuse lies beneath the surface. You know it's there and avoiding it is a scary task. What looks safe could be the very obsticle responsible for ending your life. You can't see it, but it is there. It can kill you. "The weather changes” is a true statement. Turbulent eruptions in the atmosphere predict a storms path, unlike the violent person in your life. One day there are bright blue skies and the next thing you know minutes seem like hours as the darkness takes over. Make the decision now to build your own shelter from abuse. One of the best resources to protect your life comes within. It’s called the will to survive. Stir that instinct that has been beaten down with words and actions from another person. Once you’ve accomplished the stir within you to live, take the appropriate cover.
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The remainder of the pre-fish wasn’t like day one at all. Finding the fish became hard as the waters continued to rise and the winds blew in excess of 25 mph. The waves grew large with the southern winds and resulted in stirring up the mud that lay below. The slightly stained lake waters became a bowl of overflowing chocolate milk.

Tournament day finally arrived with a roaring wind. The weatherman said, “No rain in the forecast”, but it poured rain and contributed to muddy waters everywhere. Of course I packed my 100 MPH suit and I had it on. While in practice I saw 3 boats in the creek I wanted to fish. The fish were big en’s. I was boat number 2 in the line-up. I was first in creek. Three days prior to the tournament the creek held ample numbers of big bass. On tournament day the creek was high and the bass had left the creek. Carp and gar fish that decided to spawn where my bass were living. I left the area and did battle in the open wind and rain. I lost two fish and weighed in zero. I was able to go across the stage and talk about domestic violence. I offered help to anyone in the audience with domestic violence problems. So I had zero fish, but the good news was a woman came to me. I succeeded in fishing steady.

After a long day of fishing, I went to a birthday celebration at the Word Famous Fish Company Restaurant at Bass Pro Shop for Cassie Hall’s dad. I wanted to share in the happiness that a dad has for his daughter who fishes. You see, my dad has always supported my fishing in every way. At the time of the tournament, I knew my dad was not going to be on this earth for much longer. He was in a semi-coma like state and wouldn’t respond to anyone or anything. I pushed my situation of sadness out by thinking on the good dinners I shared with my dad on a lake somewhere.

Day two wasn’t any kinder. The weather changed again. The clouds left and the winds stopped blowing. I decided to ride south as far as I could, away from the muddy waters. I was fishing blind because I hadn’t laid eyes on the structure I was fishing. Again, I missed the chance to land a big fish. I scared him. I left the area with intentions of coming back after the fish settled back into his habitat. A co-angler with Pro Kathy Magers caught the fish. It weighed over 6 lbs. After the tournament all I wanted to do was see my dad.

Good things happened in Texas regardless of my finish. I am an official member of the Lake Fork Trophy Lure company Pro Staff as the result of a chance stop. The bass seem to enjoy taking a bite out of one Lake Fork's Creature baits, so I respond in kind by giving them what they like for breakfast or dinner. I'm proud to be part of their Pro Staff. If you are in the Lake Fork area and smell the scent of garlic, look around until you see the LFT big bass logo and spend some time with owner Ronnie Parker an

You can’t change the weather but you can prepare for the worst. Anything is possible when you’re out there on your own. Abusers tend to isolate their intended victim. No one can leave for you. If you are in a violent relationship, “Get out, but be smarter than he ever gave you credit for being”. Make your own sweet list for leaving. The worst storms come if you announce your plans to leave. Because you are in an abusive relationship, start leaving, but start smart. Realize that you and those you love dearly are in danger. Never, ever, even hint that you plan to leave and abusive relationship.

There are many lists out there to guide you in your journey to freedom. Do your homework and scan every list you can find. One of the best lists to date is published in the book, Time’s Up, by Susan Murphy-Milano. I carry copies of the book on tour with me. Have a plan but know the weather can change from day to day. If you must leave abruptly, remember to never go back for any reason, regardless. I read a story about a woman in my hometown who went back to her home with a police escort. She left in a body bag. If you have computer access not in your home, read the stories on-line about the women who left and those who are missing. Know that your life is precious and know why you are in danger of losing the one thing you can’t buy or replace. You are irreplaceable. Once you walk out the door a whole world of possibilities are in your destiny. Love yourself enough to leave.

I know some of you think fishing can't be that tough, but it comes with daily challenges. It is easier than leaving a bad relationship. I'd rather face 1,000 new lakes than spend a day with an abusive man. I'm headed to Lake Dardanelle, Arkansas for the second LBAA event. I sure hope to perform like I know I can. All I need is 5 fifteen inch fish for two days in a row. That's all. Following the tourney Kasey and I will be fishing a benefit tourney on Lake Dardanelle. One of the tournament host is BASS Elite Kevin Short. We plan to spend a few days touring the boat factory at Legend Boats. Legend is a sponsor of the Ladies tour.

Time's Up is published as a resource for the abused who want to break free from the weather pattern of unpredictable violence. There will always be storms in our life, it’s all in the way you shelter down to prevent death. Time's Up for abuse. Life is precious.

One final note and then I'm through talking until i fish Lake Dardanelle:

My father lived a wonderful life. He had the gift of photography and he used his gift all his life. He passed away on April 12th. I miss my fishing partner. He’s is in Heaven, fishing with Jesus. I bet Jesus doesn’t talk as much as I did on the boat. Dad is enjoying the silent fish. 

Fish steady.

Karen Rae Elkins is a professional female angler and a survivor!

Wake Up, Church, Stop Blame-Shifting!

by Neil Schori

This past I celebrated Easter at my church and it was incredible!  Three people committed their lives to following Jesus.  It was a truly moving day.  As I really took in the true meaning of Easter, I started to think about how so many people misuse religion in selfish attempts to control others.

I can't even believe how many Christians and community leaders and even pastors that I encounter that seriously believe that abused women should not leave their abusive husbands.  It is shocking to me that people are that warped about a God who modeled the exact opposite of what THEY teach.

When Jesus has just started his public ministry, he went to teach in the synagogue.  He opened the scroll of the Old Testament prophet Isaiah, and he read these words:

"The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." (Luke 4:18, 19 NIV)

After he spoke those words, he said to the crowd: "Today, this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing."  Profound words!  Jesus came to bring good news to everyone that had been held back and was disadvantaged in his society.  He stood against suffering and pain and subjugation of all kinds.  He came to set us free!  Not just in a strange and unknowable "spiritual" sense...but in a real and tangible and life-altering way.  He really came to set us free.  And yes, that includes abused women.  Wake up, church!  Give dignity to victims.  Quit placating the aggressors and falsely applying scripture to the lives of victims.  Stop blame-shifting.  Stop enabling sinful behavior.  Stand on the side of Truth.

Jesus was all about giving dignity to women.  In a culture that made it a practice of minimizing women and their rights, Jesus flipped the script on the misogynists of his day, and he continues to do it today.  Jesus gave dignity by offering conversation and counseling to a desperate woman he met at a well (John 4).  He saved a woman from legalistic laws that called for the execution of a woman caught in adultery by reminding the men that they were not sin-free, themselves (John 7).  And Jesus, in all of his wisdom first appeared to his female followers after he defeated death by rising from the dead (Mark 16).

Throughout his earthly life, Jesus showed us what God cares about.  And as a follower of Jesus, I'm proud to carry his name and tradition of offering dignity and shelter to women who have been oppressed.  I'm grateful for all of my fellow armor-bearers as we fight for this noble cause.  That is GOOD NEWS.

Peace,

Neil Schori

Neil Schori serves as lead pastor of Naperville Christian Church, and is a remarkable advocate for those in abusive relationships. He is a certified trainer of the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit through Document the Abuse. His church is known as a haven of safety for the abused.

For the Love of a Disabled Child

by Donna R. Gore, M.A.

A wise and compassionate person – a mother and grandmother sent Ladyjustice information recently pertaining to news stories forwarded and LJ’s own disability –cerebral palsy. Her friend wanted to know what is the true story “behind the sensational headlines.” In our current world of 30 second news features, we frequently get bogged down and distracted by those issues that elicit the greatest emotional response versus what is truly occurring.

Having a permanent disability is a life altering experience… and it has the potential to shatter lives if the family unit is unprepared and cannot function as a team to advocate and assist their disabled child.

Ladyjustice can site chapter and verse about her two medical challenges that engulfed her entire childhood existence…. which continues on a small scale in her adult life now. A quick story… “Littlegirljustice” was asked to be CP poster child of Connecticut when she was around five year’s old…. BUT, she got “voted off” just like American Idol because… those deciding said that “she didn’t look bad enough!” (i.e. Did not have a sad expression on her face, did not look as though her body was atrophied etc.) Can you imagine??? Another time “Littlegirljustice” was due to have her photo taken with the Governor…but she chickened out…. Dissolved into hysterical tears, refusing and saying, “What’s a Governor?” Ha! [LJ- life is so ironic…. Ladyjustice has worked in a manner of speaking under three Governors in 12 years and has, in fact, met and been invited to a bill signing with former Governor, M. Jodi Rell]

At LJ’s ripe old age of “50 something”…. She has honed her compensatory skills such that “the disability that “won’t go away”-cerebral palsy remains “a mere nuisance at times – the mouse versus the elephant in the room. Such an attitude does not come easily when faced with the ultra superficiality of life in 2012. As consumers, subliminal messages invade our every waking moment to at least “look perfect” if we cannot “be perfect.” These messages are a particularly rude awakening for prepubescents, teens and the disabled.

Case in Point

Headlines:

1) “School bans cerebral palsy girl from using walker… because it is “unsafe” for other children.” 

2) “Mom Plans to Sue School District.”

The tone of these articles are sensational – A mother from Kingswood ,Texas tape records a special education director’s comments for purposes of “entrapment” and uploading them to YouTube “as a last resort” for her style of justice. The mother is filing a lawsuit against the school.

The initial controversy appears to center around the fact that her daughter, Lakay, who has cerebral palsy, uses a walker [termed a “contraption” in a UK article] that may be of the collapsible or fold up type. Lakay evidently fell in the parking lot of her school when she was bearing weight on it for support when it “collapsed.” ***The school administrators contend that “other children are not safe” if Lakay continues to use her walker.” Really???

“Ms. Wheelchair Texas Foundation”, a Ms. Ann Calvo, born without limbs, quotes ADA laws concerning the least restrictive environment. She further commented that if she needs a walker, it should be provided. No argument… HOWEVER, you are missing the point... or a few points.

Ladyjustice is all for equal access, as she has suffered her share of discrimination as well regarding such matters over the years. However, it is crystal clear that 5 year old Lakay Roberts was the jewel of this story…and she barely got a mention, nor was she appropriately advocated for… Everyone is so quick with political correctness and legal gobbledygook… Where is the heart of the matter or the real issue that matters? Where does Lakay fit into the equation?

Although Ladyjustice is not an MD, she worked as a clinical professional in many types of settings for many years. In addition, she had experienced her very own trials and tribulations, growing up in hospitals with at least 17 orthopedic surgeries and many other surgeries od another kind. Ladyjustice has cerebral palsy of a different type.

You can call LJ politically incorrect for not sharing the “misplaced outrage.” She doesn’t care… All this aside, here’s her take, as told to her observant friend.

If you look at the photo, she appears to have a scissors gait pattern with:
Scissors gait -- legs flexed slightly at the hips and knees like crouching, with the knees and thighs hitting or crossing in a scissors-like movement.*** This would be very difficult to maintain walking even with the support of a non-collapsible walker.

Whereas I have a gait pattern characterized by:
Spastic gait -- a stiff, foot-dragging walk caused by a long muscle contraction on one side.

I also have a lot of trunk movement to propel me forward as a compensation. Otherwise, I probably couldn't walk at all due to the high degree of stiffness/spasticity.

I think it's political and purposefully ambiguous in that the school administration doesn't want to come out and say that the little girl is unsafe... so they say that others will be unsafe. It could be that they are waiting for a particular time in her growth pattern to perform corrective surgeries as they did with me. However, in the meantime, it seems obvious that this scissors pattern doesn't allow her to even attempt to clear her feet for walking even with support. I vote for a wheelchair until they can do corrective surgery or whatever the future plan is…

All of my orthopedic surgeries were carefully timed as I grew. They may have taken one ability away (in order to give me something more important). And.... they may be in some podunk town where the best orthopedic experts were not available. I know about the legal "least restrictive environment crap". But, wouldn't you want your child to be safe and not to struggle so until surgery is done?? She would certainly be more mobile in a wheelchair. Although I think she would need some custom seating with that posture. My bias is that all of the best orthopedic Children's Hospitals are located in the northeast.

As for firing the Administrator... I don't know. I think her safely with walking needs to be re-evaluated first and accommodated appropriately with the school complying ...or else!

Virtually no research is going on for those with adult CP…it’s all pediatric. Those of us who survived in the 1950’s were supposed to die in institutions…and many did with severe mental retardation (now called developmental disabilities) and other medical complications. They forgot about those of us who were little but strong, who survived, live on and thrive!

I sincerely hope these folks in Texas can get out of their own way… and do what’s appropriate and safe for Lakay at this moment in time…because things are always changing as you grow. Stop worrying about firing, suing and get this child the correct treatment. You can always change schools!

To read more of Donna Gore's posts, and learn more about "LadyJustice," refer to her website: www.donnagore.com Donna is also a Featured Columnist for Here Women Talk and the host of SHATTERED LIVES each Saturday at 5ET.

Related articles

• To go to school with Cerebral Palsy at 5 years old, your a "Liability" & Walker's At School are "unsafe" (thehandiestone.typepad.com)
• Texas mother of a little girl with cerebral palsy told "Leave her walker home" from school (erickbrockway.com)
• This is Cerebral Palsy with dystonia. (sanctuaryxpress.wordpress.com)
• School Bans Child with Cerebral Palsy from Using Her Walker (blogher.com)

A Shared Journey

By Anita Sullivan

I didn’t set out to be an advocate for anyone. When I was little I wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. When I was a bit older I wanted to be a marine biologist. I wanted to be a Mom. I wanted to be a wife. I went to college and wanted to be a sports administrator. I got involved in ministry and wanted to share God’s love with others. But it was really still all about me. It was about what I wanted to do, where I saw my life going. I had it good, and thought I should share that with others.

I hit a few bumps in the road, faced some challenges. So I thought I might even be able to tell people how to get past them like I had.

So I began seeking meaningful work. I spent two years working with women in a domestic violence shelter and leading volunteers in a sexual assault response team. I spent night after night advocating for women in hospital emergency rooms, leaving exhausted and spent, but appreciative of the place I had in their lives in that moment. I learned even more from the women I worked with, who had chosen to become advocates, unlike me who had stumbled upon a job out of need. They were tough. They were sometimes mean. It became a little less about me, but still it was a job.

I then spent some time working with families in a supervised visitation program, training volunteers and observing families in need. Then I moved on to the business of cancer, advocating for patients in the community. But I found that the job was all about the business, there were already a lot of advocates, and as jobs went, it was pretty tough. Not really for me. It was still about me, but I knew it shouldn’t be just about me, and I didn’t think I was making a difference for anyone there. God kept growing my heart to want to do something real. But it was still about what I wanted to do.

So I took a break from the non-profit jobs. I thought that I’d figure it out while having a job that was just that, a job. And I’d focus for a while on my family. See, while I was busy finding jobs to advocate for people (good jobs going good work), I was advocating almost daily for my husband who battles a rare chronic illness. But I didn’t know what I wanted to do, that was just something I had to do. So the plan was to keep sharing my love for people through involvement at church, and keep figuring it out.

Five short months later, I again was forced into something I didn’t want to do. Much like facing my husband’s illness, I couldn’t go home from the job and relax. On June 26, 2007 I became an advocate for my brother, the day he went missing from my home. Michael “Austin” Davis was 26 and depressed, and I was silenced at first- by my own fear and guilt. But I spoke. Then, eventually I learned to speak for others too. To ask for help for us all. It was no longer about me. It was no longer a job. I still speak for my brother because he can’t, and for my family because sometimes they can’t. I speak for our community of missing to anyone who will listen because I can, and over time I’ve found that all the time I spent up until now was God preparing my heart for these days.


Years ago, I thought I might share with people how they might get past the bumps like I had. Today my message is much different. Today I offer instead that people climb the mountains and trudge the valleys alongside me, and together we can lean on each other, and I might be able to share some hope along the way. Today I no longer know so much about what I want to do or how I may be used, but I know that God may use me, and I’m open to that. And no matter what type of journey you’re on, no matter your situation, we can support each other.

Today as I start the journey of blogging on Time’s Up, that’s what I have to offer you. A shared journey.

Anita Sullivan is the sister of a missing person, and long time advocate of victims, even before having a personal connection to the world of lost. During college,Anita found a passion for helping others and was involved in a variety of ministries. She then started a career in non-profit, first working with victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. She went on to work with at risk families through a supervised visitation program before spending several years in fundraising and advocacy. She now tries to reach people with a message of Hope through writing and speaking, while honoring her brother, Michael "Austin" Davis, who has been missing since 2007. To learn more about Anita, visit her at losingaustin.blogspot.com.

Time’s Up: Let Me Count The Ways to Save A Life

By Susan Murphy Milano

April 2010 launched the book, Time's Up: A Guide on How to Leave and Survive an Abusive and Stalking Relationship. The information contained in the book has been used by many victims of abuse in the almost 2 years since it became available to the public, and those who chose to follow the information in the book, are all still alive at a time when we are seeing record numbers of intimate partner murder/suicides and whole families being annihilated.

The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit© is still not being used to its fullest potential by the legal, medical, and advocacy program communities, but it is available in many forms to the general public, and the testimonials are astounding. The testimonials are not just coming from recovered victims, but from those brave advocates who are using it on their own to best assist the victims who come to them for help.

Although not yet fully used as accepted practice in shelters and agencies across the country, Time's Up and the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit© is being discussed throughout the nation in the domestic violence assistance community.  In the meantime, I've made this life-saving, but simple procedure available in as many formats as possible so that it's in the hands of those who need it most, the abuse victim.

Where can Time's Up and the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit be found?

The website Document the Abuse was created to house all the information about the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit©, it's purpose, it's benefits, and how to become certified to properly use the information on a case by case basis. The future of it's success lies in the organization of advocates in all victim services fields and their training in how to properly administer and create the individual safety plans and the EAA.

Time's Up: A Guide on How to Leave and Survive an Abusive and Stalking Relationship

The over-sized paperback book is available from Amazon, Barnes and Noble and all online retailers. You can request it through your local book stores if it's not yet being carried there.

It's also available on Kindle and as an ebook (pdf format) through several sites including Susan Murphy Milano's website and blog, susanmurphymilano.com and The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education saferelationshipsmagazine.com 

Coming Soon!

The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit © will soon be available in two new formats, an "interactive pdf" as well as the long awaited app from Apple.  Stay tuned for the announcements and where you can find them!

Time's Up is being translated into Spanish, we're very excited about being able to more effectively serve the Latino population, and will keep readers abreast of when it will be available.

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as an educator and specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases.


susanmurphymilano.com

“The Honeymooners” Was No Honeymoon… (When Nostalgia Is Not So Nice)

By Donna R. Gore, M.A. "LadyJustice"

When television was in its infancy in the 1950’s, a show never to be missed was “The Honeymooners.” Ladyjustice was a young child and recalls the show to this day… However, in comparison to today’s “sophistication” and political correctness, this writer wonders how it achieved such popularity. Don’t say nostalgia, as if THAT can erase all past evil and chalk it up to, “It was an acceptable form of treatment between couples back then… “ When we apply what we know about domestic violence and intimate partner violence today, we should be horrified, shocked and dismayed at the treatment of women in the 1950’s and “wife as slave and one to be abused,” as portrayed in this classic comedy which all family members laughed at and looked forward to each week!

Yes, Ladyjustice can take a joke…at things that are truly funny… A review of many YouTube episodes revealed some funny stuff between Jackie Gleason and his sidekick, Art Carney. However, the married couple relationship can be viewed as “toxic” as Susan Murphy Milano frequently describes…. In fact Susan probably watched these shows too, as her own father was playing it out in real life each and every day! Such shows give evil people evil ideas….

The character of Ralph Kramden is a know- it- all bus driver, who gets involved in one get rich quick scheme after another who loves to dominate and bully his wife. In fact, it appears that his friendship with best friend Norton is far more “intimate” regarding personal closeness and compatibility than his wife Alice, the begrudging housewife/slave who serves “The Master.” Alice Kramden is your typical ‘50’s housewife, BUT, she is no pushover. She frequently stands up to her husband’s verbal, physical and psychological abuse. Writers for Wikipedia attempt to “explain away” his bad behavior by saying, “Ralph is very short tempered, frequently resorting to bellowing insults and hollow threats.” Well hidden beneath the many layers of bluster, however, is a soft hearted man who loves his wife….and is devoted to his best pal, Ed Norton.” How can we be so sure of this, Ladyjustice asks? We have a very insecure male who is barely scraping by to provide a living for his wife…Who is not at all ambitious, with the exception of lifting a fork…. His world revolves around bowling and he doesn’t appear to care about bettering his situation in real meaningful ways…. And so, he finds fault with everyone else.

How often has the character of Alice been frustrated, angry, in tears or wanted to run away from her apartment prison? Although we may not have seen blatant physical abuse, there was plenty of physical gesturing/threats, pounding on or throwing inanimate objects, screaming and verbal threats.

Ralph’s mother in law constantly reminds him of his weight and that he is a bad provider to her daughter. The character of Alice apparently studied to be a secretary prior to marrying Ralph. According to the storyline, she was one of 12 children with a father who never worked. ‘Talk about lost dreams and toxicity for these two characters caught up in the life within a Brooklyn tenement! This series was supposed to mirror the working class of the 1950’s and the way Jackie Gleason grew up. But, were the comparatively speaking “innocent 1950’s” really so bad? Was the working class so angry?

It appears to LadyJustice, that life in 2012 is a lot more complicated now, with far more sources of anger upon which the evildoers can blame their unacceptable and unlawful behavior….

 
The Evolution:

Historically, the start of the Honeymooners began as a six minute sketch on the DuMont Television Network and then as one of the featured sketches beginning in 1953 on the Jackie Gleason Show (a variety/comedy hour) moving to the CBS Network. The Gleason show was a rival for the ever popular, “I Love Lucy” show. Several actresses were considered for the Honeymooner’s co-staring wife role. However, some were blacklisted during the time of the McCarthy hearings. What an opportunity for Audrey Meadows… She sent Gleason her “wake up in the morning look” in a ripped housecoat when she was considered “too pretty” for the role. What out-of-the-box thinking! Jackie Gleason was paid a whopping $65,000 per episode increased to $70,000 during the second season. Audrey Meadows received $2,000 per week.

Other Characters:

The other two characters of the Honeymooners, included Ed Norton and skillfully portrayed by Art Carney and his wife, Trixie portrayed by Joyce Randolph, a relatively minor role. Ed Norton was your “average Joe” working in the New York City sewer system. He was goofy, yet affable and loyal to a fault to his friend, Ralph. Although his character supposedly went to typing school, “he didn’t like contained spaces.” He was proud to describe his job as, “A sub-supervisor in the subdivision of the department of sub-terranian sanitation. I just keep things moving.”

Trixie’s character was Alice’s best friend. She has a rather nebulous persona. However, written accounts say she used to be a burlesque dancer (which she denied).

Back to Intimate Partner Violence…

Ladyjustice reviewed about a dozen episodes of the Honeymooners on YouTube. Although the viewer can make the case that Alice was very capable of “giving it back to Ralph” with biting sarcasm, what would be the consequence if she had not stood up for herself? ‘Perhaps even worse… Would Ralph eventually follow through with his gesture “to the Moon” and make contact? You betcha!

On the other hand, being submissive and following an intimate partner’s demands to the letter in no way shape or form guarantees safety! So what’s a woman to do??? Anger and jealousy over “perceived infractions” will often continue to fuel the partner’s behavior. Alice does not have to do anything wrong in the eyes of the world. What Ralph perceives and does is what matters in the end with such toxic relationships.

A Few Examples of Ralph’s Verbal Abuse from Episodes of “The Honeymooners”

“Alice, you’re a riot…. I’d like to... (Waving fist); Boys and Girls Together episode;

“Just be careful Alice, Be careful… The life you save may be your own”; A Women’s Work is Never Done episode;

“Oh Boy, are you ‘gonna get yours… Just once… Pow” Peacemaker episode;

(Talking about not washing his bowling shirt or darning his socks) “… I’m gonna put in a new system right now. When I come home, if it isn’t done the way I say, you get one demerit. Do you know what happens to you when you get ten demerits…? A Woman’s Work is Never Done episode

Examples of Abuse Noted in Ralph’s Behaviors (From Susan Murphy Milano Time’s Up Book)


Emotional Abuse

• You are constantly told that you are crazy, that you need a psychiatrist; they threaten to have you committed. They tell your children that you are crazy and make them believe that they are not safe with you. They hide personal items in an attempt to convince you or others that, “you are losing it.”

• They intentionally say things to embarrass you in front of others. They make remarks about your appearance or belittle you. They talk over you if you are engaged in conversation, or consistently contradict you in an effort to discredit you, or make you feel stupid.

• They ignore you when you have “been bad”, or do not do as you are told. They act like you are not in the room. You are made to feel that you are invisible.

• They withhold praise or affection. They make you feel that you’re mere presence disgusts them, that you are unattractive, and unworthy of them or anyone else.

• You are made to feel worthless, no good, and stupid. You are told you’re your opinions do not count, that you couldn’t possibly have anything to say that anyone would want to hear.

• They accuse you of having affairs, lying, or conspiring against them.


Intimidation

• They use “those looks” or the inflection in their voice to illicit fear.

• They disregard your personal space, or use posturing techniques to intensify your fear, therefore making it easier for them to exert their authority over you.

• They destroy, or threaten to destroy your property; especially items that they feel have sentimental value to you.


Isolation

• They find fault in your friends and family and may even attempt to sabotage these relationships to further isolate you.

• They limit your car activities by refusing to give you money for gas, pay for basic repairs, maintenance and upkeep or restrict your access to transportation.

• They attempt to limit outside activities such as visiting family, getting involved with your children’s school, community functions, or attending religious services.

• They dictate when and why you can leave the house, and make you account for your whereabouts at all times.


Dangerous Threats

• Says “you will die” or be killed, “my words”, sooner or later, one way or the other you will vanish

• Informs you he knows exactly when where and how you will die

• Makes threats to kill all you (including children) of for causing so much anger to them

• Makes statements such as “If you ever call the police or file for a court order and embarrass me you will die”

• Tells you they will ruin and destroy you if you ever breathe a word to anyone

Is Ralph Kramden an Abuser?

Profile of an Abuser 

The abuser can be a male or female. The abuser can be sweet, handsome and assuming to everyone, but you.

An abuser knows exactly how to manipulate all types of situations.

An abuser is the most generous and helpful person to the neighbor, your family, and friends. If you tell anyone you are being abused it is not likely you will be believed.

When you are or were dating you thought it was “special” that this person was jealous of anyone who approached. Thinking how lucky you were until you moved in with them or married and the jealously turned into anger and rage, chances are you love this guy with all your heart and yet they still accuse you of having “secret affairs” or relationships with everyone else but, them.

The abuser is very insecure.

The abuser constantly questions your loyalty to them, the children and having a future together.

The abuser is clever at showing sincere intentions, but often has other motives

The abuser hurts or destroys family pets.

Jekyll and Hyde personality, they can be sweet one day and angry and violent the next.

The abuser is clever at showing sincere intentions, but often has other motives.

If you are pregnant, the abuser can become upset with you and angry and may attempt to make you miscarry. Once the child is born you may not be allowed to run and comfort your baby. An abuser expects the same attention and or sexual intimacy prior to the pregnancy.

An abuser may be unusually rough or use measures of discipline far too extreme on your child.

An abuser does not have the ability to love another person, is very critical of others.

An abuser blames you for everything that goes wrong in their lives; their job, outside pressures, whatever it is, you are blamed. Regardless of the situation; it is always your fault.

An abuser denies hurting you, almost acting like it never even happened.

The abuser will make excuses for why they become angry or physically violent.

The abuser blames their drug and alcohol abuse on you or their parents.

The abuser believes in maintaining control over every aspect of their lives to the point of obsession, including monitoring activities of you and or the children.

The Teeter Totter Abuser – remember when you were a child playing at the park?

An Abuser rises you up and brings you down the same way as a teeter totter. One day they are driving you out of their lives saying things like “I have had it”, you are “worthless”

“I am leaving” to this is all “your fault” and beating you to “make you behave”. The next day they are rising you up high by apologizing, sending you flowers, a card.  They may actually cry or beg you not to leave them. They say things like: “I am sorry”; “It will never happen again”; “Don't you understand how much I love you?” They bring you gifts, or suggest a romantic weekend away. Suddenly they act as if they worship the ground you walk on.

Tarzan Abuser- their attitude and behavior is no different than “Me, Tarzan” (as they beat their chest) meaning they are superior to you, they are the “provider.” To “You, Jane” follow my lead, do as I say, be their slave, wait on their every desire, you are the invisible less important person in the relationship.

An abuser has an important career in the public, people depend on them for answers, and the abusive person brings this attitude home with them.

Take this seriously… and do not let your kids watch “The Honeymooners.”

Parting Comments: Alice/Audrey Meadows: Audrey Meadows was a lot more savvy than Alice. She was the only actor on the series who requested financial compensation- residuals be written into her contract for the viewing of shows over time. In real life she served as Director of the First National Bank of Denver for 11 years – the first woman to hold such a position! She also was instrumental in the design of flight attendant uniforms and customer service policies at Continental Airlines (her late husband’s company).

Smart woman!!! She protected her financial interests and was a pioneer career woman too! “Ralph” would have been so jealous!

Please go to http://www.documenttheabuse.com/. It may help you… It will certainly help someone you know!

To read more of Donna Gore's posts, and learn more about "LadyJustice," refer to her website: www.donnagore.com Donna is also a Featured Columnist for Here Women Talk.