Intimate Partner Violence Revisited in Chicago

  

By Donna Gore

It was August 1993, Susan Murphy–Milano had already lived at least five of her seeming nine lives by that time. She had experienced a childhood like no one should ever have to bear, serving as the “in resident protective services” for her beloved mother who had experienced years of abuse and violence from her detective husband.

“Sometimes Roberta called the police, but she usually didn't even get to see the responding officers. Phil Murphy would flash his badge, joke with the guys, close the door, and return to battering the object of his disaffection…. "He called her sometimes 20 times a day at the office where she worked," notes Milano. "He constantly accused her of infidelities. He claimed she was a lesbian; he claimed she was having affairs with other officers….He always told her, "If you leave, I'll find you; if I find you, I'll kill you."

Susan was reeling from a personal relationship that caused more pain and heartache. She was doing her best to raise a preschooler with the help of a dedicated babysitter. In 1993, she had been taking on the role of Advocate in Chicago’s Domestic Violence Court without question for three years. Even if she was denied, she had the Domestic Violence Act on her side: (Enacted in New Jersey first in 1991).

Back in the day, Susan’s initial most celebrated case played out in the hallowed halls located at 1340 South Michigan was that of Dawn Wilson whose ex-husband, Christopher stalked and beat her and was played out on national TV, newspapers and magazines. “Even before their marriage, he'd push her around. “After we got married, the real violence started," Dawn says. Violence that started right after the wedding and never really let up. Christopher was arrested nine times following the divorce, to no apparent effect. " He asked me once, `Why do you waste your time taking me to court?' He knew he would get away with it."

During the classic feature article, “Life Saver” for the Chicago Reader in which Susan was the topic, a typical offender, “Gilchrist” was described as such, “He is not so much physically abusive as verbally abusive and prone to "detaining" her--deciding that he doesn't want her to go to work and taking her keys, or removing the battery from her car, or changing the locks on the garage. But this has escalated to death threats against her and her coworkers; he's even put a knife to her throat. "Each little bout is a little bit worse." said Susan.

There is a stir at the bench; it seems there's a problem. There are three charges outstanding against Gilchrist--violating an order of protection, assault, and criminal damage to property, but only two of them are in his folder. They'll have to find the other one before they can proceed. "Pass," says Judge Gembala, and Gilchrist is taken out. Murphy Milano is fuming: that means the case has to be reviewed. They can't do anything until Gilchrist talks with the public defender and Jones talks with the state's attorney. This is the eighth time Gilchrist has violated an order of protection, and Judge Gembala had promised that the next time Gilchrist came before him he'd be put away, period.”

Susan did what she did in the backdrop of her own tragedy within the judicial confines of a system that was “all procedure and no heart.” In her words, she learned as she went along what worked and what didn't work: "Mostly, I went by my gut." Although she denied any obsession with the subject, she admitted, "I was relentless. I did what I felt was right, and I worked to show the media I wasn't just the flavor of the month.”

Former colleagues in the 90s spoke of Susan’s zealousness, her sincerity, her “Let’s take care of business NOW style, and her high productivity, and her personal need to stay uninvolved personally with her victims in order to be effective. You know you’ve created something meaningful when you need body guards. “The International Service Associates is a security agency, licensed and active in 16 states that until very recently served only as a contractor for the federal government. The sole exception to the rule: a few months ago ISA started providing bodyguards--free of charge--for Milano and the women she works with.”

Intimate Partner Violence had become a way of life in all sectors of society, much to the chagrin of Susan. Although she helped one person at a time, she was “the lone ranger” for so many years, as she skillfully navigated the system in her unique manner. Although her accomplishments were many, it was not until the inception of the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit that a prevention tool was able to cut across boundaries and have equal access to anyone affected by IPV.

But, as I thought of creating this piece, I wondered, what was her “stage” like then as opposed to today? What was the history of the building at 1340 South Michigan, Domestic Violence Court?

According to a Chicago preservation website:

It was previously known as the “Interior Furniture Company” built in 1922 in Classical Revival style. The area of Michigan Avenue south of Roosevelt Road was originally residential and then gradually became a mercantile area, used by furniture companies, wholesale clothing companies, horse carriage companies, and later automobile companies. The mercantile history of the area, with loft structures that doubled as showrooms, created a high quality design of building facades that tell a story Chicago business and architecture meeting to create a unique building type. In later years, the building served as the site of the Domestic Violence Courthouse.

In 2005, there was a lot of controversy about whether this building, among others in a “not so nice area of town” was worth saving. Well, what a difference a couple of years and history makes…. For now we have – “Aviation Lofts” Luxury Living! See video too! How nice it would have been to “shelter victims of intimate partner violence” here!

What was the “flow of traffic” like when Susan was perusing the courtrooms? ''It was pretty much a mob scene going into the elevators. Often you would have victims and abusers going up the same elevators,'' said JoAnn F. Villasenor, the supervising attorney of LAF's Family Law Project,

There was a similar problem at 28 N. Clark St., where victims and offenders share a single waiting room. The new building streamlines services for the victims, but it may also improve things for practitioners and the judiciary.

Prior to the opening of the new “state of the art” building in 2005, …Only one judge heard civil orders of protection, When the new court opens, there will be two judges hearing those cases. There were more than 5,300 so-called ''independent'' civil orders of protection filed in 2004.

Civil orders of protection were being heard at 28 N. Clark St. Criminal orders of protection are heard at 1340 S. Michigan Ave, said Laura Bertucci, supervisor of the Domestic Violence Division for the Cook County State's Attorney's office . As is done at Central Bond Court at the Criminal Courts building, the felony preliminaries are held via closed-circuit television. 

“Completely Victim Friendly” for $64+ Million

Among its many advantages, the new Domestic Violence court ''is going to be completely victim-friendly'' was the rave!

The new building features separate entrances for alleged victims and alleged offenders, Bertucci said. There are also separate elevators and waiting rooms.

Additionally, there are spaces for an array of victims' advocates on the new court's first floor, Bertucci said. The scattered branches put a heavy burden on the victims.

''People who went to 13th and Michigan prior to the new building, , if there wasn’t enough evidence to sustain a criminal charge, then advocates told them to go to 28 N. Clark for a civil order. That made for a very long day for people who've very recently been victims of violence''.

The Maze of it all. Without GPS- “Organizational Structure” (See Map) And I’ll bet Susan knew it like the back of her hand!

The pièce de résistance- 555 West Harrison Street Children’s Advocacy Room

Although there has been child advocacy in the Chicago judicial system in various forms over the years, children are very vulnerable victims of domestic violence and need a safe harbor. The new courthouse has such a place. It provides a number of valuable services:


Postscript:

I’m thinking of a little girl from Chicago who wrote a poem expressing the violence that was happening in her home as a means of reaching out. The teacher and the principal did not believe her…and she was punished! That little girl, and author of “Holding My Hand Through Hell” was Susan Murphy Milano!

Donna Gore created a service program for crime victims and offers her assistance in creating a cohesive victim impact statement tailored to the individuals and their cases. She recognizes that this could be of great value to not only the crime victim, but to the court system as well.

By using Gore’s services a crime victim can be coached on how to best present their victim impact statement. From her vast experience volunteering in the courtroom, she is able to act as a liaison with advocates who may not have the same experiences. Working with the court advocates, attorneys, and prosecutors, not only will the crime victims’ voices be heard, they will be presented professionally, courteously, and effectively.

Donna R. Gore is a consultant and trainer with the Office of Victim Services within the US Department of Justice. She is the host of the internet radio show, Shattered Lives which broadcasts every Saturday at 5pm Eastern time on the Inside Lenz Network.

Victim Impact Statements: A Piece of Justice

by Donna R. Gore, M.A.

Crime: The Domino Effect

The domino effect causes a sequence of reactions where a reactive product or by-product causes additional reactions to take place. It typically refers to a linked sequence of events where the time between successive events is relatively small.

And so it goes… when crime occurs… the dominoes fall…

The Victim Impact Statement
One of the remaining avenues for crime victims to have a voice within the courts is through victim impact statements. Victim impact statements are usually read after trial as a way to get into the record the impact of the crime on the victims along with their friends and families.

Creating the appropriate victim impact statement can be a daunting task for families during one of the most traumatic times in their lives. After the initial loss, the journey through the judicial system can be equally frustrating, time-consuming and emotionally draining, re-traumatizing and bringing grief back to the surface. To best utilize the victims’ right to present a victim impact statement at trial, you must be clear-headed and as objective as possible, which for the crime victim is next to impossible.

Explaining the Overall Impact -
You want to convey the journey and the overall toll it has taken from many perspectives-emotionally, psychologically, physically, financially, your outlook on life currently and projecting into the future, your wishes regarding the disposition of the perpetrator, and changes to the system which negatively impacted and/or re-victimized you or alternately, your satisfaction with how you were treated.

Familiarizing the deciding body with the victim… beyond victimization … It is imperative that you provide a complete portrayal of your loved one both visually and narratively, as this may be your sole opportunity for several years (several years up until the point of your initial court or parole appearance or several years until you obtain another opportunity!) Talk about who your loved one was beyond the crime…. Their assets, talents, what they contributed to the family and to others and their aspirations for the future that were taken away…

Expressing Fear for Your Personal Safety- This is one of your Constitutional rights…(Currently in 33 states and under the Federal Statute - Crime Victim’s Right’s Act enacted in October 2004: http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/ovc/rights/legislation.html-***The right to be reasonably protected.

Seeking Restitution- Restitution is payment by the offender to the victim to cover some or all of the costs associated with a crime. It is ordered by a judge and usually paid through the Court Support Services Division, or other entity within your state…To request restitution in a criminal court case, contact the State’s Attorney Office or the OVS victim services advocate, located in the court where the criminal case will be prosecuted.

Social Security Administration
Victims or their family members may be eligible for survivor benefits, Medicare, and other social security benefits. For more information, please call the Social Security Administration (SSA) toll-free at 800-772-1213, TTD: 800-325-0778, or visit the Social Security Administration website.

Workers’ Compensation Commission
Available to employees through their employers, workers’ compensation provides wage replacement benefits and medical treatment for injuries that occurred in the workplace or on company property. For more information, call the Workers’ Compensation Commission (WCC) toll-free, in Connecticut only, 800-223-9675 or visit the Worker's Compensation Commission website.

“Revenge” -Emotional Release Whether you call it “revenge” or “emotional release” or “venting,” there is some latitude given here…as opposed to the criminal court process in which a poker face must be maintained with no emotion allowed whatsoever or you will be banished from the court… It is normal to have emotion and to show your sorrow and anger….

Adding Information to the Criminal Proceeding -  Parole/Pardons Board You may have relevant information pertaining to the defendant for the court or parole/pardons board which can influence the ultimate length or provisions of sentencing. It is important that this information be shared and part of the record. [Ladyjustice- As per Atty. M. Cruz, crime victims are not given the opportunity to provide a victim impact statement during civil trials because the attorney represents the interests of the victim directly in civil proceedings (and could argue for damages on their behalf )… WHEREAS in a criminal trial, prosecutors represent the interests of the State and not the victims directly].

Altering Sentencing Your information could be the determining factor in whether the defendant stays in prison or not. Ladyjustice attended a parole hearing several years ago on behalf of a victim’s family in New Haven, in which following the presentation of the parent’s victim impact statements, the perpetrator was given an additional 10 year sentence!! This also occurred with a friend’s case whose brother was murdered California! You may think that the outcome is always pre-determined… BUT there are those instances in which you CAN effect significant change…

Educating Judicial Officials Regarding Victim’s Constitutional Rights: It is more the exception than the rule that the victim’s rights are known, acknowledged and enforced in whichever arena …. You have to be your own advocate and educate others, obtain an attorney who has expertise in crime victim rights. Even when you “have your ducks in arrow” you probably will have to fight for those rights as you encounter resistance. NEVER ASSUME THEY KNOW AND WILL ENFORCE! …. This writer’s experience is a prime example… http://donnagore.com/2013/04/29/justice-and-accountability/

A Forum to Express Forgiveness (In a small percentage of cases) Whether we collectively or individually agree, regardless of the heinous acts of violence resulting in maiming or taking of a life(s), there are those victims who have the capacity to forgive …even murderers because of their strong religious beliefs… [LJ- I say you may have a straight shot to heaven for this more than generous act. Ladyjustice prides herself on being a good person to all those who are deserving…. BUT, she is not THAT generous!]

Related Issues:

In the Intervening Years…..Hypothetically, a perpetrator is sentenced to 25 to 50 years…. Are they actually going to serve all of that time? The answer is “No.” In very general terms, it’s usually the mandatory minimum …perhaps 80% of the sentence in combination with other factors such as” earned good time,” depending on the state and whether determinant sentencing or indeterminate sentencing was ”the yardstick” at the time; whether there were mistakes made in the prosecution and potential issues for appeal and the fact that now…. the rules have changed…. So… law enforcement should never make promises to families about the perp “never getting out.”

What should the family do to prepare in those intervening years? What they should do and what they are able to do are two different matters….

Large proportions of victims put “it“ away in the corner of their minds and don’t want to think about it until and unless they have to... Those of us who are in "the business" of victim advocacy are different, as we have a different personal investment and reasons for staying involved. Those victims who chose not to stay engaged and seemingly “move on with their lives” until the boom drops…they get the call or letter and the dominoes begin to fall ….

A likely scenario is that they suddenly panic…or are steadfast in their anger and resentment…. "Why should I change anything in my life when he is the criminal, not me?"

This is a normal “self preservation type reaction…. They are fearful and angry of the impact for which they have no control They feel that they are not responsible to do anything…for they never asked for this to occur… Thisisalltrue… However, it is cliché… But ..life is what happens when we are busy making other plans. In fact, “someone “must deal with it….

Therefore, a few suggestions:
If you cannot or chose not to be involved with what will occur in the intervening years, you must not live “in a dream world” thinking it’s over for good ….. In fact, that chapter may be over… You must:
Accept the possibility that you may have won the battle, but not the war….
Be vigilant…. You do not have to immerse yourself in crime victim issued daily…. But you must have a working knowledge of the process, your case and the potential for it to “rise up out of the ashes” again
Hire an attorney who is skilled regarding crime victim issues or seek out pro bono legal

Services in your state: http://apps.americanbar.org/legalservices/probono/directory.html http://www.probono.net/about/

Should I or Should I Not Attend a Sentencing or Hearing?

According to Michelle S. Cruz, Attorney and Crime Victim Advocate, time has not been a true friend to victims when it comes to misinformation by prosecutors and other judicial persons providing advice. Even in November 2013, their attitude is cavalier on this matter, frequently telling victims,(regardless of the type of case,) ”Oh, you don’t have to bother…It’s no big deal…)

How many times have we heard that one and then…. It turned out to be a significant event. Whether for expediency or laziness, victims need to decide if they should be there as part of their rights…and never be told “It’s not as big deal.” Information is power…. Your option is always to have your assigned victim advocate or your private attorney appear on your behalf and report directly what transpired.

How Did It All Begin?

We could not conclude this discussion on crime and victim impact statements without paying homage to the person credited with giving the first official victim impact statement….

Doris Gwendolyn Tate (January 16, 1924 – July 10, 1992) was an advocate for the rights of crime victims. following the murder of her daughter, actress Sharon Tate. She worked to raise public awareness about the United States corrections system and was influential in the amendment of California laws relating to the victims of violent crime.

Doris was born in Houston Texas, and mother of three daughters. In 1969, Sharon, was at the beginning of a film career, and married to film director Roman Polanski Eight months pregnant with their first child, Tate and four others were murdered at the Polanski’s' rented Beverly Hills home in a case that was sensationalized throughout the world.

The killers were eventually identified as Charles “Tex “Watson, Susan Atkins and Patricia Krenwinkel, acting on behalf of the leader of their group, Charles Manson.

All four were found guilty of the murders and sentenced to death, along with Lesley Van Houten, who had not participated in the murder of the Tate victims, but had participated in the murder of a Los Angeles couple the following night.

The death sentences were overturned before they could be applied. when the State of California temporarily abolished the death penalty.

For more than a decade after the murders, Doris Tate battled depression and unable to discuss her daughter's death.

The Turning Point: In 1982, Doris was told that Leslie Van Houten had obtained 900 signatures supporting her quest to achieve parole. Tate mounted a public campaign against Van Houten, winning the support of the National Enquirer, which printed coupons for people to sign and send to Doris With more than 350,000 signatures, Tate demonstrated that a considerable number of people opposed Van Houten's parole, which was denied.

She later became an active member of the Victim Offender Reconciliation and Justice for Homicide Victims groups. She founded COVER, the Coalition on Victim's Equal Rights, and served on the California State Advisory Committee on Correctional Services as a victims' representative.

She was part of a group that worked toward the passage of Proposition 8, the Victim's Rights Bill, which was passed in 1982. It allowed the presentation of victim impact statements during the sentencing of violent attackers.

Tate became the first Californian to make such a statement after the law was passed, when she spoke at the parole hearing of one of her daughter's killers.

In 1984 she ran for the California State Assembly as an advocate for victim's rights. Though unsuccessful,, she continued to campaign for changes to existing laws, and was involved in the passage of Proposition 89, which allowed the governor of the state to overturn decisions made by the Board of Prison Terms.

Tate's assessment of Manson, Watson, Atkins, Krenwinkel and Van Houten concluded that their crimes were so vicious as to warrant execution. While addressing Charles Watson at his 1984 parole hearing, she said,

"What mercy, sir, did you show my daughter when she was begging for her life? What mercy did you show my daughter when she said, “Give me two weeks to have my baby and then you can kill me?

When will Sharon come up for parole? Will these seven victims and possibly more walk out of their graves if you get paroled? You cannot be trusted”. She confronted Watson again at his 1990 parole hearing.



The Doris Tate Crime Victim’s Bureau

http://www.ican-foundation.org/about/

http://tatefoundation.com/?q=doris_tate

http://www.sharontate.net/bio4.html

How Far We’ve Come:

Judges and juries care about what you have been through. It hasn’t always been that way.

Victim advocate Jo Kolanda describes a sentencing hearing she attended in the 1970’s:

“I went to court for the sentencing of a defendant who had been convicted of homicide by intoxicated use of a vehicle. With me were the mom and dad of the young woman he killed.

The offender’s parents, friends, and pastor told the court what a wonderful guy he was. The victim’s parents asked the assistant district attorney to ask the judge if they could tell the court about their daughter. The judge said they could not because . “It would be inflammatory.” Then he added that….. “He couldn’t understand why this simple traffic case was cluttering up his court calendar in the first place.”
[Reference: Janice Harris Lord, ACSW-LMSW/LPC For Mothers Against Drunk Driving Copyright © 2003 Mothers Against Drunk Driving, James Rowland, founder of the Victim Impact Statement; Anne Seymour of Justice Solutions in Washington, D.C et.al]

Other References
http://www.sccvc.org/sccvc/documents/Your_Victim_Impact_Statement.pdf
http://ovc.ncjrs.gov/ncvrw2013/pdf/Landmarks.pdf
http://www.jud.ct.gov/Publications/vs010.pdf

Donna Gore created a service program for crime victims and offers her assistance in creating a cohesive victim impact statement tailored to the individuals and their cases. She recognizes that this could be of great value to not only the crime victim, but to the court system as well.

By using Gore’s services a crime victim can be coached on how to best present their victim impact statement. From her vast experience volunteering in the courtroom, she is able to act as a liaison with advocates who may not have the same experiences. Working with the court advocates, attorneys, and prosecutors, not only will the crime victims’ voices be heard, they will be presented professionally, courteously, and effectively.

Donna R. Gore is a consultant and trainer with the Office of Victim Services within the US Department of Justice. She is the host of the internet radio show, Shattered Lives which broadcasts every Saturday at 5pm Eastern time on the Inside Lenz Network.

How A Town Heals….

by Donna R. Gore, M.A.

In the aftermath of the mass homicides of Newtown, CT, Ladyjustice wondered how a town collectively heals after such events. We have innumerable examples from which to draw for purposes of discussion. What follows is not an exhaustive account, but a sampling of how each tragedy blossomed into positive remembrances.

The primary element… the motivation in each of these true life occurrences was that the focus was on the humanity and goodness of the victim(s) lost versus the event itself.

The Aftermath of July 23, 2007: The Petit Family Murders:

Following a rampage that included stalking, kidnapping, bank robbery, physical restraint, sexual assault/rape, torture ,murder and arson of Dr. William Petit, Jr and the three Petit women/girls, the State of Connecticut was shaken to its core. Cries for the death penalty for both offenders and an outpouring of collective grief and support were initiated by people around the globe. That one man could survive and ultimately carry on with life is a major miracle. How did the sleepy town of Cheshire begin and continue on the path of recovery?

 1) Within the Cheshire playground, Bartlem Park, lined with inscribed bricks, there is one that reads, “In Memory of the Petits;”

2) Cheshire Academy: Employer of Wife/Mother Jennifer Hawk-Petit. (a former nurse), created memorial garden in her name;

3) Creation of the Petit Family Foundation whose multiple missions include the sponsoring of scholarships in the areas of women pursuing careers in science, families of violent crime and Multiple Sclerosis. (Jennifer Hawk- Petit suffered from MS); Also: A 5K Road Race: http://www.petitfamilyfoundation.org/ways_to_support/participate_in_events/road_race/;

A Golf Tournament: http://www.petitfamilyfoundation.org/ways_to_support/participate_in_events/golf_tournament/

A “Motorcycle Ride for Justice” http://www.petitfamilyfoundation.org/ways_to_support/participate_in_events/ride_for_justice/

An Evening Honoring Women in Science: http://www.petitfamilyfoundation.org/ways_to_support/participate_in_events/wis_home/

A Running Team:

http://www.petitfamilyfoundation.org/ways_to_support/participate_in_events/pff_running_team/

Michaela, youngest daughter of the family, began a community service project, symbolically represented and continued by the harvesting of flower seeds originally salvaged from their home garden;

http://donnagore.com/tag/michaelas-garden-project

A concert:

http://pffpetit.posterous.com/elegy-world-premiere-july-19-2012/

The United Methodist Church remembers the Petit family throughout the year with special services, and floral arrangements;

A well known memorial garden is located at the site of the former Petit homer on Sorghum Mill Drive... The house was razed after being destroyed by arson set by the murderers. The garden is maintained by friends and neighbors and open to the public. http://donnagore.com/2011/06/19/the-legacy-of-the-petit-family-foundation/

The Aftermath of Columbine High School: 

April 20, 1999 A rampage by two crazed, depressed male students who were outcasts with a death wish with grandiose ideas to make an unforgettable impact on the world before they went down. The bomb failed….but the bullets seemingly never stopped until 12 students, and one teacher was shot dead, 21 others were injured.

The Greater Littletown Youth Initiative: After 13 years, this group comprised of school personnel. Mental health professionals, law enforcement and citizens continue to meet every Friday to discuss their children, issues and preventative measures to forestall future attacks: A strong emphasis is placed specifically on “Blueprint” programs. http://glyi.org/

A powerful “Lie-down protest” with dozens of participants by the steps of the State Capital the day after the shootings to plead for tougher gun laws.

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/705298653/Lie-down-recalls-13-Columbine-shootings-Participants-seek-stricter-gun-laws.html

Rachael’s Challenge: An outgrowth of kindness and compassion begun at the muddle school level- Anti-bullying;

http://www.rachelschallenge.org/big-picture/about-rachels-challenge/

Columbine CD Producer Announces New CD Project Honoring Life of Columbine Victim:

A new CD project has been launched by Columbine CD producer honoring the life and legacy of Rachel Joy Scott, the student who gained much notoriety from her death in the tragedy at Columbine High School. http://www.racheljoyscott.com/default.htm

Honoring Daniel
Welcome to the Daniel Mauser website. This site is dedicated to the memory of Daniel Conner Mauser. Daniel was taken from us in the tragic massacre at Columbine High School on April 20th, 1999.

http://www.danielmauser.com/index.html;

http://www.wfaa.com/community/rachels-challenge/Garland-grads-honor-the-victims-of-Columbine-156933925.html;

The !0th Anniversary of The Columbine Massacre: About 1,000 people gathered for a sunset memorial service at Clement Park, next to the school, where survivors, relatives and current students reflected on the massacre. A dove was released for each of the 13 victims as principal Frank DeAngelis read their names.

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/705298660/Victims-of-Columbine-High-massacre-honored-at-service-on-10th-anniversary.html?pg=al

The Aftermath of the Virginia Polytechnical Institute and State University Rampage Shootings:

On April 16, 2007, 32 students and faculty were killed on campus and 17 others injured in two separate attacks by a deranged student. The massacre prompted the state of Virginia to close legal loopholes that had previously allowed Cho, an individual adjudicated as mentally unsound, to purchase handguns without detection by the National Instant Criminal Background Check System (NICS). The incident prompted schools nationwide to install state-of-the-art notification systems that would broadcast warnings to cellphones, electronic bulletin boards, e-mail accounts and social media. Virginia Tech, especially, began responding to any campus threat

Day of Remembrance: We Remember: Organized runs, candlelight vigils, picnics poetry, music and other events have been part of the remembrance every year…

The Annual Day of Remembrance & Website: 32 students and faculty members who were tragically taken from their loved ones and our community on April 16, 2007. They ranged in age from 18 to 76 and represented a variety of academic areas, faith and ethnic groups

http://www.remembrance.vt.edu/2007/

http://www.weremember.vt.edu/index.html

VT Engage: The Community Learning Initiative: Includes a variety of service projects and grants to inspire VT students to become part of the larger community. http://www.engage.vt.edu/student-programs/;

The Office of Support & Recovery was initiated after the massacre to facilitate support, commemoration activities, student alerts and provide counseling;

http://www.recovery.vt.edu/index.html/

The Aftermath of the rampage shootings on January 8, 2011 and attempted assassination of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords in Tucson Arizona. 

S x fatalities and 13 additional injured persons were targeted at a supermarket.

Americans for Responsible Citizens – Gabby Giffords and husband Mark Kelly’s effort to advocate for responsible gun policies and decrease the power of gun lobbies. http://americansforresponsiblesolutions.org/about/;

As of February 2012, the U.S, Navy honored Gabby Giffords by naming a ship in her honor for supporting the military and veterans, advocating for renewable energy and championing border security,”

http://www.navytimes.com/news/2012/02/navy-next-lcs-named-for-congresswoman-giffords-021012/


The Aftermath of Newtown, CT /Sandy Hook Elementary School Massacre- December 14. 2012.


A work still in progress…. with gifts, donations, honors and remembrances of every variety imaginable….. However a few words of caution from experts testifying before the Connecticut Legislature on “Recovering from National Tragedies: How Schools and Communities Recover” February 22, 2012:

Experts Dr. Thomas DeMaria of Long Island NY and the 911- Mass Homicides and Dr. Marlene Wong of Los Angeles spoke on this topic:

http://sowkweb.usc.edu/faculty/marleen-wong

http://www.zoominfo.com/p/Thomas-De%20Maria/60249540/



A couple of the many interesting points to keep in mind when formulating recommendations, and implementing policies regarding the outpouring of support and the physical environment of the event…..

1) Dealing with the outpouring of gifts – It is well intentioned, but can be a real problem and barrier to healing as schools have to rent warehouses to store the goods and figure out how to distribute equitably is a real problem as well as the increased expenses incurred. More importantly, the access to celebrities and, numerous material goods is not normal in the everyday scheme of life and should be done with care and caution.

2) It is vitally important to change the entire environment in which the event occurred (if it is not razed) such that children feel safe. Historically, they will not enter an environment where they witnessed violence. Therefore, changing the physical structure, layout, painting, making it bright and welcoming is very important for their healing.

3) If it is not changed, the scene tends to attract local voyeurs and curiosity seekers, going to the site, wanting to have their photo taken on site etc.

A sign of hope…. Both psychologists felt that there is a multitude of support in Newtown and Connecticut… and that they are better suited than many small towns to deal with the aftermath…. Link: http://ct-n.com/ondemand.asp?ID=8728


Conclusion: “How a town heals is a measure of the goodness of its people.”

To read more of Donna Gore's posts, and learn more about "LadyJustice," refer to her website: www.donnagore.com Donna is also a Featured Columnist for Here Women Talk and the host of SHATTERED LIVES each Saturday at 5ET.

Victim Impact Statements: Isn’t it Time for a Little Creativity and Personalization?

by Donna R. Gore, M.A.

Typical Sample [Compliments of crimevictimservicecenter.org – Kennewick, WA]

The crime committed against me by John Doe has hurt me in so many ways that I don’t know where to begin.

My friends and co-workers have mentioned to me that my demeanor and behavior has changed at work and during social activities. I am currently experiencing flashbacks of the event and suffer from nightmares and lack of sleep. I constantly replay the day of the crime over and over in my head. I had to describe the day of the crime to the detective, then to the prosecuting attorney, then to the defense attorney, and to an investigator. Having to repeat the events of the incident over and over again was stressful and tried my patience. It became harder and harder to answer their questions or even tell my story again. I had to miss work, show up to work late, and leave work early due to the stress I was experiencing. I am in counseling because I am stressed, anxious, hypersensitive, and have suicidal thoughts. I wish this had never happened and I want it over as soon as possible, but I know my paranoia will never go away.

This crime has hurt my family too. My mother also suffers from insomnia and anxiety due to the crime. We live in a small town and everyone has heard about the crime. My father almost lost his job because he has had to attend court with me. I can’t escape the questions from friends of the family. Naturally, everyone is concerned for my family and me, but not being able to escape the incident kills me. It is just another constant reminder that John Doe committed a crime against my family and me.

I have friends telling me that they ran into John Doe and that she/he says they’re sorry. I wish she/he would stop communicating to me through our mutual friends. When I hear that people have run into her/him my heart races, I have shortness of breath, and start to feel dizzy.

I’m constantly asking God why? Why me, why my family? What did I do to deserve this?

I’m worried what John Doe might do after she/he gets out. I want her/him to get help because this isn’t the first time this crime has been committed and that she/he’d been sorry. I don’t want John Doe to hurt me or anyone else. I want to be protected from John Doe forever.

...end...

In 1987, Ladyjustice’s victim impact statement would not have won the Pulitzer Prize for journalism….But, it was from the heart. Looking back now, I could have crafted something different…if the emotions hadn’t gotten in the way. And that is the point. Having emotions interjected into the narrative and/or verbal presentation is a double-edged sword… On the one hand, the judge, the attorneys, the defendant and the families need to hear the emotion to understand and to validate the tremendously negative changes in their quality of life and the realities of the situation in terms of the human toll.

On the other hand, emotion can overtake the speaker, especially when in very close proximity to the defendant. As a survivor, you want your day in court. It’s your special time to relate just how devastating the entire experience has been.

Currently in Connecticut, Victim Services open approximately 13,000 new cases annually, assist 14,000 with victim impact statements and accompany over 15,000 victims to court.

In 1987, six years after the murder, Ladyjustice and her mother each took turns and related individual impact statements directly to the presiding judge. Some people choose to “challenge” the defendant to make eye contact in an attempt to “show immediate respect.” Fat chance! This blogger didn’t even bother with that request!

Rather, I was mentally focused on how not to relinquish power to this serial murderer; not to give in to fear of retaliation; not to feel that you must look over your shoulder the rest of your life if you say this or that for fear of triggering a response… One cannot live life in fear, no matter what has been taken away! For if you do, the perpetrator has won.

He has the power!

Internet research revealed minimal information or samples of victim impact statements for general public consumption. There are no standard templates. However, the most basic of guidelines furnished by the Crime Victim Services Center in Washington State recommend discussion of the following general topics: ‘With a couple of my suggestions thrown in…

1) How the perpetrator’s criminal behavior has effected the victim(s) physically, emotionally and financially;

2) Discuss any concerns regarding personal safety and security;

3) “Provide suggestions for a resolution that is fair, that will give the offender the opportunity to take responsibility for actions that caused loss or harm.”

[ Surely you jest if you are talking about felony charges. Taking responsibility – What’s that? And…. how do you spell pre-determined plea bargain?? ]

More specifically, other factors to contemplate when composing your impact statement –

1) How have your feelings changed about life in general, your lifestyle; your ability to relate to others, your ability to cope and need for support or counseling?

2) If you have sustained physical injuries, what were they and how long did they last? Are they continuing? How have your injuries impacted your ability to perform everyday tasks and recreational activities?

The “Aftermath” Questions

What about your ability to:

1) Maintain your general health;

2) Eat, sleep, concentrate;

3) Have other ailments “appeared out of the blue?”

4) Have your relationships with family members, co-workers and “society in general” changed?

5) Are you unable to trust others now?

6) Do you feel a sense of intimacy with your significant other?

7) What changes have occurred with your employer? Are they flexible in allowing you to attend court appearances, counseling and medical appointments?

8) What is your financial status currently?

9) Are you able to be productive?

10) Do you have hope for the future?

The above list is certainly not all inclusive…but rather covers the general landscape.

A Word of Two from …..The National Center for Victims of Crime

In addition, results of the National Center for Victims of Crime’s public opinion poll also revealed that 55% of Americans feel that sentences handed down to criminals by the court are too lenient.

Perhaps this is why seven out of 10 Americans believe that it is very important for the judicial system to provide victims and their families with “…an opportunity to make a statement prior to the sentencing of the offender about how the crime has affected them.”

In essence, for the court to impose fair and just sentences, it is critical that information be provided to the sentencing and paroling authorities on the emotional, financial and physical impact of crime – information that only victims can accurately define and provide through the use of victim impact statements.

Clearly the criminal justice system is ready, as is the American public, for the permanent infusion of victim impact statements into the justice process. We must now make the use of victim impact statements functional and consistent within the criminal justice system.

Comprehensive guidelines, protocol and model victim impact statement instruments must be drafted that address the needs of both the justice system and the victim. Victims must be systematically and consistently made aware of their right to submit victim impact statements and the statement’s application within the system. To accomplish this goal, each criminal justice agency that has contact with crime victims must have comprehensive agency guidelines and protocol that outline the roles and responsibilities of each staff member in the notification, distribution, collection and application of the victim impact statements.

Making a Case for Specialized Victim Impact Statements

Approximately a year ago, this author had a “brainstorming” idea to offer a service to future victims of crime regarding the creation of individually tailored victim impact statements for the following reasons:

1) Not everyone is a wordsmith nor are they able to express their thoughts and feelings in writing (even before the crime occurred);

2) The emotional impact of the experience including recounting the events, facing the defendant and his supporters, the finality of the process; the outcome of the verdict; the absence of their loved one. can incapacitate a victim and not allow him or her to complete their presentation. [ Of course there are options such as mailing letters to the judge, allowing another relative or the prosecutor to read etc…. However, it is sometimes a poor substitute and the impact may not be experienced in the same way]

3) If the victim is capable of sharing his/her private thoughts and feelings with an Advocate who is also a skilled writer, the burden is lessened. If such a writer were to create a series of questions specifically designed to elicit information to portray the deceased person in a way that honors them and is meaningful to the family… How Wonderful!

4) The possibility of a videotaped presentation or a video memorial tribute could go a long way in helping the judge to understand the enormity of their loss.

Currently no specific companies specializing in videotaped victim impact statements could be located via internet search. What a shame….

The problem.. and the beauty of this idea is that people are not “one size fits all” and therefore victim impact statements should not be mass produced as in a “sausage factory.” They are too personal…too important.

The words potentially have the power to alter sentencing!

But, who would provide the service? Who would fund it? Who would keep track of the data comparing customized statements to those that are essentially “fill in the blank essays”? Could this idea come to fruition? Why not?

Heed the advice of the National Center for Victims of Crime. Do not let victim impact statements become an afterthought!

I welcome other input concerning this idea. Until then, Thorence Brey features a series of videotaped Victim Impact Statements for your viewing interest at:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xkikdy_victim-impact-statements-thorance-brey_news

To read more about Donna R. Gore and learn more about "LadyJustice," refer to her website: www.donnagore.com Donna is the host of SHATTERED LIVES each Saturday at 5ET.

A Hug is Worth a Thousand Words… Project Smile

by Donna R. Gore, M.A.

Do you recall your favorite toy growing up? What was that special source of comfort for you when life was so unfair and Mom wasn’t available? For “Little Girljustice” – in and out of the hospital so many times she couldn’t count, it was the classic “Raggedy Ann” doll. For LJ’s sister, Holly, it was a blanket … just like Linus! We remember the ritual of the tattered remains being brought out to the garbage barrels and then gone forever… ‘Quite traumatic!

A “normal childhood” can be traumatic in itself. However, just imagine if you are a vulnerable child witnessing for the first time… or innumerable times… the horror of domestic violence, child abuse, sexual assault, chronic illness or the ravages of a house fire. What is a child to do? Run or curl up in a ball…into the fetal position? Who can a child turn to in such situations?

Enter Catherine Pisacane from Hopedale, Massachusetts. (Hopedale is a quaint looking small town of 5.3 square miles with approximately 6,000 residents in Central Massachusetts – Worchester County). Ms. Pisacane was a Hunter College graduate, majoring in English… who just happened to acquire a degree in criminal justice as well.

It was against this backdrop that Catherine’s heartstrings were pulled in the worst (or best) of ways… A newspaper account told of three young brothers from New Jersey who were starved by their adaptive parents. What?? Yes… sadly this does happen more often than you would think. Adoption is not always motivated by love… but another way to “abuse the system and rake in the money.” As the story goes, the three little boys were taken into protective custody, and brought to the police station. One of the boys was given a small stuffed animal (a tiger) during interviewing and clung to it for dear life, as it obviously provided the comfort he so badly needed!

This tragedy was the impetus for the initiation of “Project Smile,” a tax exempt non-profit, donating small stuffed animals, toys, coloring books/crayons and storybooks to first responders such as police, fire fighters and ambulance crews who in turn, distribute them to needy children in the course of their jobs. Currently all New England States and Arizona participate, according to their website information. Statistics to date: Participation:

Massachusetts – State & Local Police Total – 87 Departments; Massachusetts Fire Fighters & Ambulance Total – 37 Departments; New Hampshire Total 2 Departments; Maine Total 1 Department; Connecticut Total 7 Departments; Rhode Island Total 5 Departments; New Jersey Total 1 Department; Arizona Total 1 Department

In addition, Project Smile has developed a partnership with the Department of Children and Families by assisting approximately 7,000 children in foster care and children living in shelters.

[LJ- May is National Foster Care Month: In Connecticut, 4,441 children were in state care as of April 2012; 71% lived in a family setting – traditional foster care or a relative’s home; 3,298 homes were licensed to provide care as of April 2012; For more information on becoming a foster or adoptive parent in Connecticut, call 888-KID-HERO or go to www.ctfosteradopt.com.]

Who Benefits?

As stated earlier, those children who are vulnerable to situations of domestic violence, child abuse, sexual assault, chronic illness, grief over the loss of family members and house fires are typical scenarios. [Ladyjustice can envision other scenarios such as child neglect from parental drug addiction or alcoholism, children in frequent transition from shelters, foster care situations, or extended hospitalizations,]

Expansion of Services

As of January 2008, Catherine expanded her services to include seniors who have been diagnosed with various forms of dementia, including Alzheimer’s disease. When these patients make the transition from their home residence to a nursing home, it can be very frightening and traumatic. Furthermore, these patients can feel a sense of comfort and the introduction of a stuffed animal by a police officer or EMT can produce a calming effect, similar to that of a child. And so… we have long lasting benefit at both ends of the spectrum.

How Does It Work?

New or gently used items in excellent condition can be purchased or dropped off at a location close to you …or mailed to Project Smile. (***See guidelines/restrictions at this link: http://www.projectsmile.org/help.htm. There are size, condition and “noise” restrictions on donated stuffed animals and small toys.

How You Can Help – Options:

Ø Volunteer to start a local chapter anywhere in the U.S. with their guidance;

Ø Make a financial (tax deductible) contribution via their headquarters…or through Virtual Aid Drive. This option enables you to see/shop for items that are truly needed, as well as offering a time efficient and cost efficient manner. (The majority of items range from $2.99 to $4.99 using this method. http://vad.aidmatrix.org/vadxml.cfm?driveid=2497;

Ø Using Project Smile’s Guidelines, sort out your own items, drop off locally or mail. For larger bulk donations, please call first for arrangements.

Fundraising events and application for grants appear to be on-going as well!

Stay tuned… Christine Pisacane and one of her first responders may be a “Shattered Lives” radio guest in the future (if we’re lucky!)

Contact Info:

Ms. Christine Pisacane, Executive Director

Project Smile

P.O. Box 336

Hopedale, MA 01747

cpisacane@projectsmile.org;

Tel: (508) 634-0203


“Hugs” Ladyjustice!

To read more of Donna Gore's posts, and learn more about "LadyJustice," refer to her website: www.donnagore.com Donna is also a Featured Columnist for Here Women Talk and the host of SHATTERED LIVES each Saturday at 5ET.

For the Love of a Disabled Child

by Donna R. Gore, M.A.

A wise and compassionate person – a mother and grandmother sent Ladyjustice information recently pertaining to news stories forwarded and LJ’s own disability –cerebral palsy. Her friend wanted to know what is the true story “behind the sensational headlines.” In our current world of 30 second news features, we frequently get bogged down and distracted by those issues that elicit the greatest emotional response versus what is truly occurring.

Having a permanent disability is a life altering experience… and it has the potential to shatter lives if the family unit is unprepared and cannot function as a team to advocate and assist their disabled child.

Ladyjustice can site chapter and verse about her two medical challenges that engulfed her entire childhood existence…. which continues on a small scale in her adult life now. A quick story… “Littlegirljustice” was asked to be CP poster child of Connecticut when she was around five year’s old…. BUT, she got “voted off” just like American Idol because… those deciding said that “she didn’t look bad enough!” (i.e. Did not have a sad expression on her face, did not look as though her body was atrophied etc.) Can you imagine??? Another time “Littlegirljustice” was due to have her photo taken with the Governor…but she chickened out…. Dissolved into hysterical tears, refusing and saying, “What’s a Governor?” Ha! [LJ- life is so ironic…. Ladyjustice has worked in a manner of speaking under three Governors in 12 years and has, in fact, met and been invited to a bill signing with former Governor, M. Jodi Rell]

At LJ’s ripe old age of “50 something”…. She has honed her compensatory skills such that “the disability that “won’t go away”-cerebral palsy remains “a mere nuisance at times – the mouse versus the elephant in the room. Such an attitude does not come easily when faced with the ultra superficiality of life in 2012. As consumers, subliminal messages invade our every waking moment to at least “look perfect” if we cannot “be perfect.” These messages are a particularly rude awakening for prepubescents, teens and the disabled.

Case in Point

Headlines:

1) “School bans cerebral palsy girl from using walker… because it is “unsafe” for other children.” 

2) “Mom Plans to Sue School District.”

The tone of these articles are sensational – A mother from Kingswood ,Texas tape records a special education director’s comments for purposes of “entrapment” and uploading them to YouTube “as a last resort” for her style of justice. The mother is filing a lawsuit against the school.

The initial controversy appears to center around the fact that her daughter, Lakay, who has cerebral palsy, uses a walker [termed a “contraption” in a UK article] that may be of the collapsible or fold up type. Lakay evidently fell in the parking lot of her school when she was bearing weight on it for support when it “collapsed.” ***The school administrators contend that “other children are not safe” if Lakay continues to use her walker.” Really???

“Ms. Wheelchair Texas Foundation”, a Ms. Ann Calvo, born without limbs, quotes ADA laws concerning the least restrictive environment. She further commented that if she needs a walker, it should be provided. No argument… HOWEVER, you are missing the point... or a few points.

Ladyjustice is all for equal access, as she has suffered her share of discrimination as well regarding such matters over the years. However, it is crystal clear that 5 year old Lakay Roberts was the jewel of this story…and she barely got a mention, nor was she appropriately advocated for… Everyone is so quick with political correctness and legal gobbledygook… Where is the heart of the matter or the real issue that matters? Where does Lakay fit into the equation?

Although Ladyjustice is not an MD, she worked as a clinical professional in many types of settings for many years. In addition, she had experienced her very own trials and tribulations, growing up in hospitals with at least 17 orthopedic surgeries and many other surgeries od another kind. Ladyjustice has cerebral palsy of a different type.

You can call LJ politically incorrect for not sharing the “misplaced outrage.” She doesn’t care… All this aside, here’s her take, as told to her observant friend.

If you look at the photo, she appears to have a scissors gait pattern with:
Scissors gait -- legs flexed slightly at the hips and knees like crouching, with the knees and thighs hitting or crossing in a scissors-like movement.*** This would be very difficult to maintain walking even with the support of a non-collapsible walker.

Whereas I have a gait pattern characterized by:
Spastic gait -- a stiff, foot-dragging walk caused by a long muscle contraction on one side.

I also have a lot of trunk movement to propel me forward as a compensation. Otherwise, I probably couldn't walk at all due to the high degree of stiffness/spasticity.

I think it's political and purposefully ambiguous in that the school administration doesn't want to come out and say that the little girl is unsafe... so they say that others will be unsafe. It could be that they are waiting for a particular time in her growth pattern to perform corrective surgeries as they did with me. However, in the meantime, it seems obvious that this scissors pattern doesn't allow her to even attempt to clear her feet for walking even with support. I vote for a wheelchair until they can do corrective surgery or whatever the future plan is…

All of my orthopedic surgeries were carefully timed as I grew. They may have taken one ability away (in order to give me something more important). And.... they may be in some podunk town where the best orthopedic experts were not available. I know about the legal "least restrictive environment crap". But, wouldn't you want your child to be safe and not to struggle so until surgery is done?? She would certainly be more mobile in a wheelchair. Although I think she would need some custom seating with that posture. My bias is that all of the best orthopedic Children's Hospitals are located in the northeast.

As for firing the Administrator... I don't know. I think her safely with walking needs to be re-evaluated first and accommodated appropriately with the school complying ...or else!

Virtually no research is going on for those with adult CP…it’s all pediatric. Those of us who survived in the 1950’s were supposed to die in institutions…and many did with severe mental retardation (now called developmental disabilities) and other medical complications. They forgot about those of us who were little but strong, who survived, live on and thrive!

I sincerely hope these folks in Texas can get out of their own way… and do what’s appropriate and safe for Lakay at this moment in time…because things are always changing as you grow. Stop worrying about firing, suing and get this child the correct treatment. You can always change schools!

To read more of Donna Gore's posts, and learn more about "LadyJustice," refer to her website: www.donnagore.com Donna is also a Featured Columnist for Here Women Talk and the host of SHATTERED LIVES each Saturday at 5ET.

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• To go to school with Cerebral Palsy at 5 years old, your a "Liability" & Walker's At School are "unsafe" (thehandiestone.typepad.com)
• Texas mother of a little girl with cerebral palsy told "Leave her walker home" from school (erickbrockway.com)
• This is Cerebral Palsy with dystonia. (sanctuaryxpress.wordpress.com)
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The True Meaning of Friendship and… Am I Pretty??

by Donna R. Gore

This is one of those fitful nights in which sleep won’t come for Ladyjustice.  So much is happening in her world right now, (in A Good way) that her mind is like chocolate marshmallow swirl!!

A recent Facebook post is weighing on her mind… “Am I Pretty” concerning prepubescent girls worrying so about their looks that they feel compelled to solicit strangers comments over the internet!   The sad truth is… they were all very cute! Such a pity that they have such low self-esteem at such a young age and that their value systems are all screwed up!

This topic relates to the true value of life and friendship, LOOKS ASIDE. Several weeks ago, this writer wrote with enthusiasm about the prospect of meeting her REAL PEOPLE for the very first time after months and months of hard, intense  and fun… work….  Not having the opportunity to meet through geographic distance and not having any idea what a couple of these people look like.  … NOT THAT IT MATTERS… and that’s exactly the point! 

When you have mutual goals, when you are thrown together for a purpose and its sink or swim tied to your efforts, you develop trust and appreciate the other person.  It matters not in the least what they look like.  In fact, you laugh at your flaws and theirs may become endearments.   You know the person by e-mail, text, or phone, but you don’t get that body language, their mannerisms which often give you information about which the person truly is….  

Ladyjustice can think of three scenarios in which she has encountered this phenomenon. And so far, it has worked out great!  It’s pure, it’s real, and IT’S NOT BASED ON LOOKS!

The cleaning lady from Poland…. LJ has had the same once a month cleaning lady for 12 years.  They met once in person…maybe twice at most… but that’s it…  LJ has given her Christmas bonuses, occasional little souvenirs from a trip…  They have spoken on the phone.  However, if Ladyjustice had to pick her out of a “Law & Order“ line-up – forget it!    The point is, it works…and it has nothing to do with her looks – no judgments!

The second situation occurs when, in the course of your work, you may communicate with a colleague in another state or country as part of your job.  You discuss the weather, the work, maybe your family or a mutual hobby.  But, you probably don’t know what they look like. Corporations are vastly cutting back on travel in favor of webinars and conference calls versus in-person meetings. [LJ has not as yet ventured into the world of Skype].  You have a phone friendship as it were…

The third scenario… and the one that is so unusual in LJ’s mind.. that it has worked so well for so long…. Is when she finally meets that trusted Public Relations Manager and another mentor!  These are the people who are helping to mold the re-invention, that new career to “put her on the map”… that co-pilot who knows just about all there is... and maybe too much…as that’s just the way this writer is….. Ladyjustice is very open and all out there for others to see, regardless…   This is probably typical in media relations, but Ladyjustice didn’t realize she’d be inheriting a new supportive family.

 So…. I thank you from the bottom and top of my heart for all of your hard work on my behalf….                         ‘Can’t wait to meet ‘cha….

Looks aside, of course!  It’s truly a shame all of those little girls on YouTube can’t appreciate relationships without looking at LOOKS!

Here’s (Not) Lookin’ at cha!                                             

                                                                                                                                                                                                  

To read more of Donna Gore's posts, and learn more about "LadyJustice," refer to her website: www.donnagore.com Donna is also a Featured Columnist for Here Women Talk and the host of SHATTERED LIVES each Saturday at 5ET.

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A Bridge to Understanding “Holding my Hand through Hell” – The Book

By Donna R. Gore, M.A.

"On the street I saw a small girl cold and shivering in a thin dress, with little hope of a decent meal. I became angry and said to God, Why did you permit this? Why don't you do something about it? For a while God said nothing.That night He replied quite suddenly, I certainly did do something about it, I made you. - Unknown-

I don’t expect you to understand domestic violence, or more descriptively, intimate partner violence on my say so alone…. for I am not an expert. Nor should you be able to understand it from the point of view of your local non-profit director, your shelter program coordinator, a TV show or your neighbor next door who is “occasionally beaten.” Susan Murphy Milano and I have a lot in common…and we have other life experiences that are dissimilar. I know parental homicide up close and personal, like she. I also know about stolen childhood, losses…and gains of the medical variety – 55 times to be exact! I know about loss and I know about grief…and I know about insecurity and confidence in spite of….

I consider myself incredibly lucky to have survived it all… “in one piece” as they say… I also consider myself incredibly lucky to have been among the few who had a personal preview of her upcoming book, “Holding My Hand through Hell.” One long July 4th weekend last summer, I took that journey. I was naïve enough to think I had learned enough intellectually and I would “just be adding details to that knowledge.” How wrong I was! It was like passing over to the other side known as hell, constantly engulfed in an inferno of fear, unpredictability, pain and cruelty.

It was an account told in the first person beginning from childhood to the end of the journey with a woman who “thought she knew better from previous experience,” having grown up in a house of horrors and then choosing partners who apparently repeated that pattern.

However, this book is so much more than “some woman’s story.” I was transformed and touched to my very soul with each and every page. It was personal… It was visceral. It was honest. It was told through the eyes of a child making deals with God to stay alive long enough to plan her escape with her mother… or so she hoped…. For a child to bear such a constant burden is totally unfathomable to me!

The tragedy of a revered “monster/father” who was sworn to uphold the law and who could do no wrong in the eyes of the public was the biggest most disgraceful injustice ever! He used that badge as a license to abuse his family beyond all comprehension.

It was an era in which such activities were “private matters” behind closed doors, with few community resources except for the occasional priest or school official. In the act of disbelieving an innocent child reached out with poetry as a cry for help , and was beaten down to submission and called a liar. It truly broke my heart!

To this reader, that part of the book said this was a sign of more grave things to come. The pages continued to reveal a journey so treacherous filled with “survival of the fittest “ episodes… thinking on your feet…always being at least one step ahead of the monster. Rejection, punishment, masquerading for the public.. a mother caught in the middle between love for her children and a continuous dance with impending death.

My heart sank and then it broke a million times over… I cried again and again… The innocent child grew into a young woman, only to be threatened and violated by the monster…and men to come after, whom she thought she chose with her eyes open…but not really.

How could she have known? The trees in the forest were so thick with dysfunction, no one could have foreseen when survival is your only goal. Life as an adult was a quest to help others in similar circumstances… many more trials and tribulations and incredible loss, such loss! ‘Just when you think another tragedy could not possibly befall one person ,it happened again and again! Even at her father’s funeral there was the ultimate irony… as if the devil was laughing at Susan! But she survived as she always had!

I will not reveal if there is the “mandatory happy ending,” for happy endings may only be reserved for Walt Disney movies…and not real life. What I can say, is that Susan made another escape plan, and she walked on the beach gathering strength and probably feeling her mother’s presence.

Be brave, hold your head high and never say die… (even though you feel like dying more than you’d admit). Anyone who has survived what Susan has ,cannot be judged too harshly for her past deeds. Although she could not “Slay the dragon” and bring her mother to safety as she wanted, she did something few people have ever done….. She fought against insurmountable odds, climbed her personal Mount Everest and continues to help others to beat the odds against their real life monsters.

We respect and love you for the person you have become, Susan! ‘Such a long, long journey since that innocent child fought back against all odds! For more information on future purchases, go to www.susanmurphymilano.com.

"Holding My Hand Through Hell" will be released Fall of 2012, published by Ice Cube Press. To Pre-Order the book click here on Amazon.

To read more of Donna Gore's posts, and learn more about "LadyJustice," refer to her website: www.donnagore.com Donna is also a Featured Columnist for Here Women Talk and the host of SHATTERED LIVES each Saturday at 5ET.

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