The True Meaning of Friendship and… Am I Pretty??

by Donna R. Gore

This is one of those fitful nights in which sleep won’t come for Ladyjustice.  So much is happening in her world right now, (in A Good way) that her mind is like chocolate marshmallow swirl!!

A recent Facebook post is weighing on her mind… “Am I Pretty” concerning prepubescent girls worrying so about their looks that they feel compelled to solicit strangers comments over the internet!   The sad truth is… they were all very cute! Such a pity that they have such low self-esteem at such a young age and that their value systems are all screwed up!

This topic relates to the true value of life and friendship, LOOKS ASIDE. Several weeks ago, this writer wrote with enthusiasm about the prospect of meeting her REAL PEOPLE for the very first time after months and months of hard, intense  and fun… work….  Not having the opportunity to meet through geographic distance and not having any idea what a couple of these people look like.  … NOT THAT IT MATTERS… and that’s exactly the point! 

When you have mutual goals, when you are thrown together for a purpose and its sink or swim tied to your efforts, you develop trust and appreciate the other person.  It matters not in the least what they look like.  In fact, you laugh at your flaws and theirs may become endearments.   You know the person by e-mail, text, or phone, but you don’t get that body language, their mannerisms which often give you information about which the person truly is….  

Ladyjustice can think of three scenarios in which she has encountered this phenomenon. And so far, it has worked out great!  It’s pure, it’s real, and IT’S NOT BASED ON LOOKS!

The cleaning lady from Poland…. LJ has had the same once a month cleaning lady for 12 years.  They met once in person…maybe twice at most… but that’s it…  LJ has given her Christmas bonuses, occasional little souvenirs from a trip…  They have spoken on the phone.  However, if Ladyjustice had to pick her out of a “Law & Order“ line-up – forget it!    The point is, it works…and it has nothing to do with her looks – no judgments!

The second situation occurs when, in the course of your work, you may communicate with a colleague in another state or country as part of your job.  You discuss the weather, the work, maybe your family or a mutual hobby.  But, you probably don’t know what they look like. Corporations are vastly cutting back on travel in favor of webinars and conference calls versus in-person meetings. [LJ has not as yet ventured into the world of Skype].  You have a phone friendship as it were…

The third scenario… and the one that is so unusual in LJ’s mind.. that it has worked so well for so long…. Is when she finally meets that trusted Public Relations Manager and another mentor!  These are the people who are helping to mold the re-invention, that new career to “put her on the map”… that co-pilot who knows just about all there is... and maybe too much…as that’s just the way this writer is….. Ladyjustice is very open and all out there for others to see, regardless…   This is probably typical in media relations, but Ladyjustice didn’t realize she’d be inheriting a new supportive family.

 So…. I thank you from the bottom and top of my heart for all of your hard work on my behalf….                         ‘Can’t wait to meet ‘cha….

Looks aside, of course!  It’s truly a shame all of those little girls on YouTube can’t appreciate relationships without looking at LOOKS!

Here’s (Not) Lookin’ at cha!                                             

                                                                                                                                                                                                  

To read more of Donna Gore's posts, and learn more about "LadyJustice," refer to her website: www.donnagore.com Donna is also a Featured Columnist for Here Women Talk and the host of SHATTERED LIVES each Saturday at 5ET.

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Think Like A Teen?

By Susie Kroll

  

Self-reflection is something I believe extremely important and often under-utilized.  The question I pose is this:  Have you taken the time to think about your beliefs and values and then compared them to those you held in your teens?  Furthermore, have you examined what has changed about you and your beliefs or how your perspective has changed since you were a teen? 

The reason that I pose this question is that I think it is very important to see the differences in things that teens and adults place value or belief in.  Obviously, as a teen one’s beliefs and value-placing tend to change and shift once that teen becomes an adult.  Some people find that they have changed their core beliefs significantly from their teenage years.  Others may find that they gravitate back to the values that their parents had, maybe because as teens they didn’t think what their own parents believed was important then.  Still yet, others may find that they have reinforced their childhood values in their adult lives.  Things or beliefs that teens hold dear at 15 or 16 can be much different than the things they will come to value at 35 or 40.  I believe it to be the natural progress of life, age, and the wisdom and experience that comes with age. 

The reason I find this self-reflection so valuable is that I spend a lot of time with teens.  As a speaker and educator in the field of Teen Dating Violence and Healthy Relationships, I am keenly conscious of the attitudes and ideas that teens hold and how they can differ from what is important to people as they age.  Perspective is a powerful tool in reaching teens when you want them to understand the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships.  For example, I could walk into a class of 14 year olds and talk about marriage, relationships, and domestic violence.  Having tried that and then read my reviews later, I’ve learned a few things.  First, is that the kids listen and compare what I am saying to their parents or guardians as they are the married ones.  Following that, there is little if no connection to the relationships the kids are in because for the most part, marriage is a far-off and foreign concept.  Some of the other comments I have received state in many different ways that teens see their lives as long and marriage is only something you do when you’re old (old like 35 or so). 

So why would I use my own adult perspective to try and teach teens about dating violence?  The answer is I wouldn’t, having seen it fail when I first became a speaker.  Teaching teens about unhealthy and healthy relationships is so much more effective when you reach them in terms of their daily lives and current value systems.  For the most part, as a 14 year old, it isn’t important that a potential boy or girlfriend have a successful career.  But it is important that they maybe have a car or are cool and popular.   

Reaching a teen using their values, beliefs, and experiences is much more effective than trying to use abstract or future experiences to guide them.  If a teen can learn the same lessons via a frame of reference that they are familiar with, then the lesson will translate into expectations in later life.

By virtue of being and adult now, I have learned more, seen more, and become more aware of the world around me.  What I value and believe in has shifted from when I was a teen.  I remember as a teen being wholly wrapped up in my life, school, and most importantly, my friends.  I would hear what my parents were telling me and then go right back to my life concerns all the while thinking that my parents just didn’t understand.  In talking with them now, they tell me that they had the same thoughts regarding their own parents. 

So what is the moral of the story, so to speak?  As adults we have the luxury of having been both a teen and an adult during our lives.  Teens have yet to have that experience.  As adults, caregivers, and educators, it is vital that we don’t forget how we felt as teens and apply that to how we view and interact with today’s youth.  As adults with concerns like mortgages, bills, babies, marriages, jobs, and world issues it is hard to remember that for a teen the equivalent to the fighting in Libya is why their best friend from 3^rd grade isn’t talking to them anymore because of a boy they both like.  One issue isn’t more or less important than the other if you consider values and perspectives. 

So when you sit down to talk to your teen about anything and everything, from the seriousness of dating violence to the fun stuff like prom and football, remember perspectives.  You just might find a deeper connection and then both teens and adults might just learn something from one another.