The Magical Illusion of Christmas

By Susan Murphy Milano

(originally posted December, 2010)

Every year my mother made a big deal about Christmas from planning out what color to make the eyes on the gingerbread cookies, to the day she, my brother, and myself would go downtown to Marshall Fields department store for our annual Santa visit and photo. The bright lights and holiday decorations lining downtown store windows and street lamps always made me forget, if only for a moment, our lives were anything but bright and hopeful.

I have to give my mother credit, as difficult as our daily fight for survival was, she did the best she could to create happy memories for us. Sometimes, the holiday did not turn out as planned and we ended up on Christmas morning in the emergency room as she received medical attention from injuries caused by my father. My little brother and I viewed stuffing every pocket in our coat and pants with candy canes while at the hospital as a cool thing. Instead of opening presents, like we watched in movies, we went back to the house with a cup of hot chocolate and whip cream prepared with love.

Hope was always a magical illusion, it did not matter if it was Christmas or not. The days and months always felt as if they were all lumped in to a never ending road of unpredictable behavior by a man authorized with a gun and a badge to protect the streets of Chicago, while hiding behind the closed door of our home like a coward, only to terrorize and harm his own family. In our house you told time by the changing of seasons and what you needed to wear before heading out the door. During the holidays it was the one time of year that I didn't wish anything from the Sears catalog that would arrive sometime after Thanksgiving. If Santa was real, then just maybe he would find us a nice safe place like I remembered watching in the movie Miracle on 34th Street, where we could hang our stockings and live happily, with my brother and mom, far away from my father, forever.

Growing up, my brother and I never really counted on much and making plans for anything was wishful thinking. More than fifty years later, I have no closure, just an acceptance of the violent events that would eventually hijack my mothers life. The last memory of her is 10 feet away from the oven where we baked Christmas cookies, throughout the kitchen her blood spilled over onto the once bright yellow pattern on the floor tiles where my brother and I once sat anxiously waiting for the Christmas cookies to finish baking. In the bedroom a couple hundred feet away, dead from a self inflicted gun shot, my father, who had taken from me the only love I knew, my mother. Although not visible to the human eye, there is a tattoo etched deep inside of me, a permanent scar from a battle I would rather forget.

The effects of the violence would follow me into my own world as an adult, a secret I kept hidden from friends, colleagues and relationships. Suddenly, my secret was out, unwillingly I was a victim and a survivor of a life I did not ask for nor chose as my life's journey. In 1988, my parents divorced and the holidays were around the corner. My mother and I spent the Christmas holidays together, the first without my father and the last one without my mother. I rang in the new year with a feeling of hope that we could finally move forward with our lives.

Abruptly, in 1989, after their deaths, I left a successful business career for a world that provided little, if any, hope and assistance to abuse victims and their children.

I did not realize when I began working with victims of intimate partner abuse, my world would be an important life raft for safety in keeping others alive. Over a decade of running a national agency and providing direct services, I began to incorporate strategies like no other in the country, as the agencies were not familiar with the battleground I knew intimately. Service providers and agencies were layered by politics and paperwork with government forms and numbers instead of thinking outside the box, a box that never belonged there in the first place if lives were to be saved.

This rigid box of "rules and restrictions" are what often kicks the safety and services of a victim to the streets and back to the violence. Yes, a woman returns to the abuser numerous times before she leaves but its also because the family courts and services are either limited or dysfunctional. And all too often it is based on income she makes too much, too little or there is not enough funding available for what is required. Ironically, the funding issues in my world were never an obstacle in keeping victims alive. With little or no resources, each person I assisted did not die. Instead, they moved forward with their lives, most went back to school to obtain degrees others found paying jobs as the sole support of the household turning their lives around minus the threat of violence. I think it was because I took the time with them, something I noticed from the begining that was not happening when a victim reached out for help.

I learned from being in the trenches and providing hands on services combined with making time to explain to victims-- meant the difference between life and death. I would go beyond the sterile basic information and red tape of guidlelines set by funders and various government agencies, people who were and continue to do so today, more concerned with tabulating stats of human lives that amounted to nothing more then entering useless garbage into a data base that had nothing to do with safety or leaving and never returning to the abuse or the system for help. One cannot effectively assist a victim of intimate partner by sitting behind a desk when they have never left the comfort of their offices, when they have never been inside the real world of sheer terror and violence that victims endure daily. Often placing victims in something labeled a shelter, government funded that does not in many ways meet the needs of victims. As I have always said like our own DNA no two cases of abuse are alike.

The days of placing a bandage on intimate partner violence, as though it were a boo-boo, are over. When a system does what it has always done, the results will be the same. It did not work out for women like my mother, unable to speak today, because they were silenced in the prime of their lives, murdered in cold blood.

As we enter the year 2011, know that the death toll across the country for those who lose their lives because of intimate partner violence does not have to be a predictable outcome in some hardwired data base, ultimately marked by a cemetary headstone as in years past. A child no longer has to acompany their mother to the emergency room on Christmas morning filling their pockets with candy canes in a cold waiting room as the doctors stich their mothers head or set a broken limb and sent back out into uncertainty and fear that the next time they might not be so lucky.

In the new year I would like everyone who reads this to join me in ending the abuse. How, you ask? Each time a news story about a victim who was killed comes across your facebook page or you read about a case in the Huffington post, AOL News, Google, Newsvine, USA Today, the Examiner, The Washington Post, New York Times or see it on Nancy Grace, Fox News, Good Morning America, MSNBC, the Oprah Show, Dr. Phil, NPR Radio or any number of news programs send them a brief paragraph about the book Time's Up and that these cases no longer have to be tragic. That women such as Susan Powell, Stacy Peterson, Vensus Stewart, Angel Downs, Renee' Pernice, Kathleen Savio and others if killed their words will speak from the grave in a court a court of law. The person responsible will be arrested.

The upside is that this book saves lives. The mothers, sisters, girlfriends and children currently living in fear who live in harms way each and every day need this book the most. It is up to us to see that the information and knowledge is in their hands.

And to ensure every domestic violence agency, court building, library, church, community center, hospital, business and school has a copy of the book Time's Up: A Guide on How to leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships. And for a domestic violence provider, social worker, first responder, government agency, school, business or individual who says that cannot afford it? You can not afford not too!

Time's UP !!!

From the site www.victimadvocates.blogspot.com:

Susan’s writing is based on doing. It is based on the irrefutable credential of experience, both as a residual victim of interpersonal violence and a tireless advocate for others who suffer. This book is born from working in the trenches for twenty years and the necessity of crafting working solutions to help ensure individual safety from batters and stalkers.

TIMES UP is a comprehensive guide for women in danger. Every advocate owes it to those they work to assist to obtain this book.The contents provide specific steps towards safety and addresses issues that a person who is stressed and in fear may not think of. This guide can provide structure in the midst of chaos.

Among the tools and forms is the original idea of an “Abuse Affidavit”, a sworn statement detailing the facts of an individual’s victimization, preserving the specifics so they are not lost even if the victim is. It is difficult to think about speaking from the grave but no different than any life insurance policy obtained in consideration for those left behind.

An “Abuse Affidavit” has the additional psychological benefit of being forced face reality and admit that the potential for the ultimate kind of violence exists…and that if it occurs the perpetrator will be held accountable.

Purchase and read TIMES UP as an advocate to continue to learn and practice informed advocacy. Give TIMES UP to concerned friends or family members looking for solutions for a loved one who is in danger. Most of all, find a way to share this valuable guide with the domestic violence and stalking victims you know and work with. It has all the information and tools to empower a crime victim to save her own life.......Diane Fanning, Author

Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is an expert on intimate partner violence and homicide crimes. For more information visithttp://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/ She is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and wherever books are sold.

Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on Here Women Talk http://www.herewomentalk.com/ and is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr. Laurie Roth http://www.therothshow.com/

Intimate Partner Violence Revisited in Chicago

  

By Donna Gore

It was August 1993, Susan Murphy–Milano had already lived at least five of her seeming nine lives by that time. She had experienced a childhood like no one should ever have to bear, serving as the “in resident protective services” for her beloved mother who had experienced years of abuse and violence from her detective husband.

“Sometimes Roberta called the police, but she usually didn't even get to see the responding officers. Phil Murphy would flash his badge, joke with the guys, close the door, and return to battering the object of his disaffection…. "He called her sometimes 20 times a day at the office where she worked," notes Milano. "He constantly accused her of infidelities. He claimed she was a lesbian; he claimed she was having affairs with other officers….He always told her, "If you leave, I'll find you; if I find you, I'll kill you."

Susan was reeling from a personal relationship that caused more pain and heartache. She was doing her best to raise a preschooler with the help of a dedicated babysitter. In 1993, she had been taking on the role of Advocate in Chicago’s Domestic Violence Court without question for three years. Even if she was denied, she had the Domestic Violence Act on her side: (Enacted in New Jersey first in 1991).

Back in the day, Susan’s initial most celebrated case played out in the hallowed halls located at 1340 South Michigan was that of Dawn Wilson whose ex-husband, Christopher stalked and beat her and was played out on national TV, newspapers and magazines. “Even before their marriage, he'd push her around. “After we got married, the real violence started," Dawn says. Violence that started right after the wedding and never really let up. Christopher was arrested nine times following the divorce, to no apparent effect. " He asked me once, `Why do you waste your time taking me to court?' He knew he would get away with it."

During the classic feature article, “Life Saver” for the Chicago Reader in which Susan was the topic, a typical offender, “Gilchrist” was described as such, “He is not so much physically abusive as verbally abusive and prone to "detaining" her--deciding that he doesn't want her to go to work and taking her keys, or removing the battery from her car, or changing the locks on the garage. But this has escalated to death threats against her and her coworkers; he's even put a knife to her throat. "Each little bout is a little bit worse." said Susan.

There is a stir at the bench; it seems there's a problem. There are three charges outstanding against Gilchrist--violating an order of protection, assault, and criminal damage to property, but only two of them are in his folder. They'll have to find the other one before they can proceed. "Pass," says Judge Gembala, and Gilchrist is taken out. Murphy Milano is fuming: that means the case has to be reviewed. They can't do anything until Gilchrist talks with the public defender and Jones talks with the state's attorney. This is the eighth time Gilchrist has violated an order of protection, and Judge Gembala had promised that the next time Gilchrist came before him he'd be put away, period.”

Susan did what she did in the backdrop of her own tragedy within the judicial confines of a system that was “all procedure and no heart.” In her words, she learned as she went along what worked and what didn't work: "Mostly, I went by my gut." Although she denied any obsession with the subject, she admitted, "I was relentless. I did what I felt was right, and I worked to show the media I wasn't just the flavor of the month.”

Former colleagues in the 90s spoke of Susan’s zealousness, her sincerity, her “Let’s take care of business NOW style, and her high productivity, and her personal need to stay uninvolved personally with her victims in order to be effective. You know you’ve created something meaningful when you need body guards. “The International Service Associates is a security agency, licensed and active in 16 states that until very recently served only as a contractor for the federal government. The sole exception to the rule: a few months ago ISA started providing bodyguards--free of charge--for Milano and the women she works with.”

Intimate Partner Violence had become a way of life in all sectors of society, much to the chagrin of Susan. Although she helped one person at a time, she was “the lone ranger” for so many years, as she skillfully navigated the system in her unique manner. Although her accomplishments were many, it was not until the inception of the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit that a prevention tool was able to cut across boundaries and have equal access to anyone affected by IPV.

But, as I thought of creating this piece, I wondered, what was her “stage” like then as opposed to today? What was the history of the building at 1340 South Michigan, Domestic Violence Court?

According to a Chicago preservation website:

It was previously known as the “Interior Furniture Company” built in 1922 in Classical Revival style. The area of Michigan Avenue south of Roosevelt Road was originally residential and then gradually became a mercantile area, used by furniture companies, wholesale clothing companies, horse carriage companies, and later automobile companies. The mercantile history of the area, with loft structures that doubled as showrooms, created a high quality design of building facades that tell a story Chicago business and architecture meeting to create a unique building type. In later years, the building served as the site of the Domestic Violence Courthouse.

In 2005, there was a lot of controversy about whether this building, among others in a “not so nice area of town” was worth saving. Well, what a difference a couple of years and history makes…. For now we have – “Aviation Lofts” Luxury Living! See video too! How nice it would have been to “shelter victims of intimate partner violence” here!

What was the “flow of traffic” like when Susan was perusing the courtrooms? ''It was pretty much a mob scene going into the elevators. Often you would have victims and abusers going up the same elevators,'' said JoAnn F. Villasenor, the supervising attorney of LAF's Family Law Project,

There was a similar problem at 28 N. Clark St., where victims and offenders share a single waiting room. The new building streamlines services for the victims, but it may also improve things for practitioners and the judiciary.

Prior to the opening of the new “state of the art” building in 2005, …Only one judge heard civil orders of protection, When the new court opens, there will be two judges hearing those cases. There were more than 5,300 so-called ''independent'' civil orders of protection filed in 2004.

Civil orders of protection were being heard at 28 N. Clark St. Criminal orders of protection are heard at 1340 S. Michigan Ave, said Laura Bertucci, supervisor of the Domestic Violence Division for the Cook County State's Attorney's office . As is done at Central Bond Court at the Criminal Courts building, the felony preliminaries are held via closed-circuit television. 

“Completely Victim Friendly” for $64+ Million

Among its many advantages, the new Domestic Violence court ''is going to be completely victim-friendly'' was the rave!

The new building features separate entrances for alleged victims and alleged offenders, Bertucci said. There are also separate elevators and waiting rooms.

Additionally, there are spaces for an array of victims' advocates on the new court's first floor, Bertucci said. The scattered branches put a heavy burden on the victims.

''People who went to 13th and Michigan prior to the new building, , if there wasn’t enough evidence to sustain a criminal charge, then advocates told them to go to 28 N. Clark for a civil order. That made for a very long day for people who've very recently been victims of violence''.

The Maze of it all. Without GPS- “Organizational Structure” (See Map) And I’ll bet Susan knew it like the back of her hand!

The pièce de résistance- 555 West Harrison Street Children’s Advocacy Room

Although there has been child advocacy in the Chicago judicial system in various forms over the years, children are very vulnerable victims of domestic violence and need a safe harbor. The new courthouse has such a place. It provides a number of valuable services:


Postscript:

I’m thinking of a little girl from Chicago who wrote a poem expressing the violence that was happening in her home as a means of reaching out. The teacher and the principal did not believe her…and she was punished! That little girl, and author of “Holding My Hand Through Hell” was Susan Murphy Milano!

Donna Gore created a service program for crime victims and offers her assistance in creating a cohesive victim impact statement tailored to the individuals and their cases. She recognizes that this could be of great value to not only the crime victim, but to the court system as well.

By using Gore’s services a crime victim can be coached on how to best present their victim impact statement. From her vast experience volunteering in the courtroom, she is able to act as a liaison with advocates who may not have the same experiences. Working with the court advocates, attorneys, and prosecutors, not only will the crime victims’ voices be heard, they will be presented professionally, courteously, and effectively.

Donna R. Gore is a consultant and trainer with the Office of Victim Services within the US Department of Justice. She is the host of the internet radio show, Shattered Lives which broadcasts every Saturday at 5pm Eastern time on the Inside Lenz Network.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month 2014

We enter into another October, another National Domestic Violence Awareness Month with hope and wonder about when it will all end.

Since the inception of this blog, devoted to SOS=Searching Out Solutions for victims of violence, we've seen news reports about new victims on a daily basis, some battered, some missing, and some murdered.

As long as there are those wounded by family violence, we have a long way to go to decrease the risk of harm and lethality.

The creation of this blog in 2009 was inspired by the title of the book, Time's Up! by the late Susan Murphy-Milano, but not only is it a forum for the complicated aspects of intimate partner violence, but all victims of violence.

Over the years we've been privileged to have hundreds and hundreds of informative posts from writers on a variety of topics, but with one thing in common, a desire to see positive changes in the way we deal with violence.

Realizing that change comes slowly, advocates across the country are not backing down from seeing those changes take place. Perhaps we can be of service by greasing the wheels, voting, or aligning ourselves with those in positions of power who can make it happen, sooner and not later.

 Domestic Violence Awareness Month 2014 

• Let's continue to unite our efforts to stop the bleeding. 
• Let's continue to speak out through this blog, continue to write about truthful controversy, help to pull in a wider audience who needs to learn, or those who have their own wisdom to impart.
• Let's push to engage more conversations about a subject that's often heated, one which has historically been divided on many lines. 
• Let's cross those lines, again and again, until there are no more victims who have to live in fear for themselves and their children.
• Let's unite as individuals and organizations moving towards a brighter future so that our children and grandchildren can make better informed choices and can learn to recognize what a healthy relationship looks like.
• Let's get serious about looking at more innovative measures to keep victims safe as they choose to leave abusive relationships, and thoroughly give credence to changes within our justice system to allow for better litigation of high risk cases. Simple tools can save BILLIONS and "check the box" safety planning is just not working!
• Let's put our children and their futures first when asking the courts for rulings based on fact, not innuendo.

We've invited several writers, some you will be familiar with if you've been following this blog, others new to the site. We hope that you will become a loyal reader, help share the posts, and encourage friendly dialogue throughout October and beyond!

Domestic Violence Awareness MUST be more than one month per year, after all, it occurs every day.

Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit (EAA) Timeless Tool For Escaping Abusive Relationships

Carrying the torch of Susan Murphy Milano’s work through Document The Abuse,  many advocates are bringing awareness to audiences and organizations across the country of the benefits of the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit and teaching how it can be incorporated into existing protocols.

The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit (EAA) was first introduced in Susan Murphy Milano's book, Time's Up: A Guide on How to Safely Leave an Abusive and Stalking Relationship and is still one of the most  significant contributions to the complicated issue of keeping victims of abuse from becoming murder victims. The importance of the EAA to first responders, law enforcement, court personnel, hospital personnel and domestic violence advocates was Murphy Milano's mission before her untimely death from cancer on October 28, 2012.

Time's Up contains all the information needed to create and complete a personal safety and escape plan, enhancing standard safety plans and personalizing the victim's own requirements.  The book has been offered as training to several advocates and organizations around the country and is often used as a textbook.

What is the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit (EAA)?  From Document The Abuse:

The E.A.A. is a detailed, yet simple to perform process that walks the victim step-by-step through creating a legal document that will stand the test of many of the legal hurdles that are thrown at intimate partner violence and stalking cases.

The process helps the victim to prepare her history of abuse and stalking, utilize the included documents, gather other needed evidence, and distribute the documentation to specified people.

“The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit contains information that is critical to help victims’ in documenting their experiences and creating a record to insure that instances of abuse are memorialized should they be needed for future use in the legal system” (Donna Pendergast is the First Assistant Attorney General Office of Special Investigations in Lansing Michigan.)

It is as immediate as buying the Times Up! e-book, downloading it, and following the instructions to prepare the document. For those who are worried about storing an e-book on a shared computer, the Times Up! book also conveniently comes in a print book format with easy to Xerox document pages. Used as a self-help procedure, any victim can easily complete this confidential process and be assured that their experiences are legally documented.

“The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit is another tool to save lives. It’s practical, inspirational and USEABLE. The insights are precise and pragmatic.” (Hon. Nancy Sidote-Salyers, Former Prosecutor, Retired Circuit Court Judge)

The victims will also produce a short video telling in their own words, what abuse and stalking they have experienced. Included in the video is identifying information of the perpetrators identity, a photo, his social security number, place of employment, and patterns of abuse conduct.

Lethality factors are also discussed: weapons, assaults on others, drug use, mental health history and any other detailed information that helps the court understand his dangerousness.

Items of DNA evidence are suggested for collection, legal documents are filled out, a notarization process is followed, and distribution to safe and legal persons makes sure the E.A.A. is available should the victim be seriously harmed, goes missing, or is killed.

iEAA the App from Apple

The iEAA App brings safety planning into the age of technology. Developed by Allen Corporation in conjunction with Susan Murphy Milano and Chet Hosmer, the iEAA App was unveiled on July 4, 2012 (Independence Day) allowing the information to be downloaded and used on any Apple product.

This is the first phase of the App and further improvements and developments are currently in the works to bring the app into the Android market and capability of cloud storage.

Who Needs an EAA and Why?

Until now, the standard response for intimate partner violence and stalking from law enforcement has been:

* Victims are told to report (but action is only taken if you can show evidence of the abuse)
* Victims are told to go to a shelter
* Victims are told to get a restraining order (but usually only granted if there is evidence of the abuse)
* Victims are told to move away (but leaving behind careers, family, and assets)
* Victims are told to stay with someone else
* Victims are told stalking is hard to prove and stalking laws are often weak and poorly defined

This response does not help the victim ‘document’ the situations and specifics of her abuse and her abuser. Outside of a police report or restraining order, documentation has still not occurred. In a case of future serious injury, the victim goes missing, or is killed, nothing exists to link her to her story.

The E.A.A. has the propensity to document the historical aspects of the abuse and record it to challenge 'hearsay' arguments in a case. By simply following the steps of creating an E.A.A. a victim can provide 'before the event' information that presents the history of her case prior to serious injury, disappearance or death. Click here to read more about how the E.A.A. benefits a victim's case.

Information such as details of how the perpetrator has said he would carry out harming, abducting or killing her can be detailed. Admissions or comments made to her about other victims the perpetrator has harmed can be listed. Likely hiding places for weapons or evidence can be revealed. Possible alibis that he would make up for his defense (including identification of people who could be the perp’s co-defendants in her harm, abduction or murder). If the victim has existing scars or active wounds, they can be documented at the time of the E.A.A. creation.

The E.A.A. has the same informational capabilities of providing unknown and unrecognized abuser and stalking risk factors known by the victim.

For detailed information on how the EAA supports cases of abuse: CLICK HERE

For information on education, awareness and training on the EAA or personal assistance in creating your safety plan: CLICK HERE

If you are thinking about leaving an abusive relationship, BEFORE you announce your plans in a fit of anger or unclear thinking, think again and do what it takes to save your own life and keep your children safe.  Create your Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit to maximize your chances of getting out alive!

If you are out of the relationship and need extra support, you can contact The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction for expert information on how to heal.

Time’s Up: A Guide on How to Leave an Abusive and Stalking Relationship can be ordered through Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Books A Million, and all online digital and local book retailers. 

For quantity case orders and discounts, please contact ImaginePublicity, Tel: 843-808-0859, Email: contact@imaginepublicity.com

For detailed information about Susan Murphy Milano in her true crime memoir, Holding My Hand Through Hell, her last book, is available through Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Books A Million, and all online digital and local book retailers, or directly from the publisher, Ice Cube Press.

Based on a true story, told with the flow of a novel, spiced with frank wisdom and wit, Holding My Hand Through Hell encourages the reader to immerse themselves into this family’s life and is an inspiration to become an advocate for change in this world we all share. This book will incite discussion, debate, and heightened awareness about hope, survival, abuse, murder, and its impact on our society. In the end, it will leave readers both applauding this woman as well as wondering how she escaped, sometimes at the eleventh hour. Twenty years later, she has realized that God must have been holding her hand through hell, delivering her from the evils of her life in order to save others.

When You Know It’s Murder

by Heidi Hiatt

I was 10 years old the first time it happened.

She was found dead at a campsite in Eastern Washington.

I remember exactly where I was standing, what the weather was like, who was talking to me. I wasn’t sure how to respond. It was not surprising that the suspect was a family member in this case, but I was shocked at the brutal way in which she’d died.

The suspect was never arrested. They knew he did it, and eventually he was found dead somewhere himself, a topic for another time. But until I learned his fate from the lead detective decades later, that cold, vacant feeling never left me.

It was murder.

In this same time frame, a car plunged into a river and the only survivor was the father who was driving. His wife and children died. I remember them telling me, “he was reaching for a cracker.” I remember what happened in his life afterwards and why I regarded him with a growing suspicion.

He was never charged either. But even as a kid, even at that moment, my instincts would not allow me to dismiss those deaths as an unfortunate accident. The way the puzzle pieces fit together, the sequence of events– it didn’t work. But how, as someone so young, do you convince the adults or authorities that their puzzle pieces might be joined in the wrong places?

It could have been murder.

Fast forward far into the future as I’m standing outside a hospital entrance before a relative goes in for surgery. They spoke of a family friend. “He killed her and they think he’s coming here.”

That feeling again. That grey, creeping silent shadow that signals a life has been erased and one still among the living is responsible for it. It crawled past me, wispy like smoke in a shuddering paroxysm of slow motion.

The suspect did come here from two states away. He was apprehended two counties north after rolling his car. He left several children without a mother and also ended the life of the child still inside of her.

Murder.

In this case he was sent to a mental hospital, a controversial decision that didn’t sit right with me. There was no question he did it. But the fact that he had killed his own wife had that same haunting feeling as the times before it that I’d learned of homicides. It’s a gaping, all-encompassing silence where there should be no silence. It is a yawing void that has no bottom.

More years went by. Like a light slowly intensifying as if on a dimmer switch, to my horror I realized that an acquaintance was in danger of death. I told others, “I know exactly how they’re going to die.” I pointed out patterns of behavior and the abhorrent Munchausen’s by proxy signs that were so obvious to me but others didn’t even seem to notice. Once the victim tried to drop hints.

I almost vomited the day I found out how they died. It was just like I said it would be. The authorities said it couldn’t be proven. The very factors and timing that made it suspicious were also the reasons that there was little physical evidence to go on and an accident was believable. All the steps a calculating criminal would take to cover their tracks existed and were to me so ridiculously logical.

That specter slunk in again, that gripping puff of sulfur that settles into an instinctive gut feeling which silently screams, “this isn’t right.” Safety experts tell us to always trust that gut feeling even when it doesn’t make sense and can’t be rationalized. In times like this we may tune into the still, small voice telling us that things aren’t what they seem.

It is a sick, frigid, empty feeling when you know it’s murder but it can’t be proven or the person responsible for extinguishing other lives isn’t arrested and punished. Can you relate? You might risk everything you have, even your life, to expose the truth, but the needed evidence for a charge or conviction just isn’t there. It’s a horrible place to be, a faint stench of decay that never wanders far from the perimeter of your senses.

Part of what motivated me to earn a degree in forensic psychology was this repeated pattern in my life of learning of a suspicious death, or abuse, or fraud, and seeing the perpetrators evade justice. My prolonged and repeated experiences with narcissists and sociopaths who know how to hurt others but appear as beacons of light pushed me to this. Many times in childhood, even, I found myself in the maddening position of having enough information to make a coherent argument in defense of a victim, but not enough to stand up in the legal system.

In time I learned how to testify as an expert witness and build a good case, but that doesn’t help the uncanny number of instances in my life it seems that justice could have been achieved already if someone had delved deeper into these questionable circumstances. Perhaps the police did everything they could each time, or technology hadn’t caught up with the courts yet. But how different life could have been for people around me if I’d found a way to articulate my suspicions earlier.

A common denominator weaves its way through the violence and crime I’ve seen in my life. The type of person who usually gets away with harming others– who even gets away with murder– is the one who maintains the self-sacrificing external image that most people would never question.

They’re the “nice guy” or the “family guy” or the “saintly caretaker.” They are self-sacrificial to excess. Those unfamiliar with sociopaths or who don’t believe one could exist in their circles are quick to believe that these dark souls are simply who they pretend to be. Sociopaths work hard at public relations, constantly cultivating a persona that seems hard-working, caring, involved in their community, giving– whatever scores them points in their professional and social orbits.

Not only do these types ingratiate themselves to those who will blindly protect their false selves later, when some truth-seeker dares question their integrity, but they will do whatever it takes to grind their accuser into a pulp. Dr. Robert Hare describes this beautifully in his Snakes in Suits book. I was floored when I read that book– it described exactly what I’d been through. The closer I got to the truth in some of these situations, the more I was attacked and discredited so that no one would believe me if I tried to convince the legal system.

Sociopaths can and do kill to protect their alter egos. They can snuff out lives to get what they want, and who they want, and to ensure that the shadowy parts of their Jekyll and Hyde lives never see daylight. They are so utterly steeped in their false self that most people around them are convinced of their infallibility and goodness– they will readily join in the destruction of the “crazy” accuser who dares question their beloved saint.

In every case of alleged criminal activity, we must ask “cui bono?”– who benefits? Who has something to gain? Who has something to lose? What is the accuser gaining or losing by coming forward and standing against an alleged criminal? Is the alleged abuser or criminal fighting excessively hard against the person trying to put the blame on them, which could be a sign that they are hiding something? Why would someone risk so much to point out the sins of someone who seems so gracious and delightful?

To prevent dark souls from hurting or killing others, we have to be willing to look at each case objectively. We cannot rush to conclusions; we cannot function on assumptions. We need to be willing to investigate all possibilities, put all of those on the table, and take the time to connect the dots. Sometimes there are no dots to be connected, other times the dots can form a detailed picture of what actually happened.

Our society is quick to dismiss crime and violence because of a person’s job title, fame, or social status. In cases where it’s easy for a suspect to get sympathy, like the death of a loved one, we often let our emotions dictate our thoughts and convince ourselves that they are incapable of that level of depravity. We must listen to any pokes at our consciences, however, and then decide to examine these cases with reason and an open mind.

I can think of a number of cases in which a person’s death was ruled as suicide or as accidental instead of a homicide, but someone close to the victim is overwhelmingly convinced that the official record is not the true record. Talented investigators might have spent years working the case to arrive at their conclusions, but loved ones insist that they’re missing some of the puzzle pieces. I understand that. It’s why closed cases should sometimes be reopened and investigators should leave no stone unturned.

How different our world would be if everyone would find the strength to speak up about the nagging feeling that a death is more than it seems to be—and the authorities would at least listen to them. One of the most frustrating problems I have ever dealt with is trying to convince those in power to listen when I didn’t have tangible evidence to back up my theories. Or as a kid, trying to capture the attention of an adult who could right the wrong or protect those being harmed. Or as a civilian law enforcement employee, being cornered in the department hallway and having the words, “you have no idea what it’s like to be a cop” yelled into my face.

Knowing deep down inside that someone probably didn’t lose their life the way the official record said they did can be a lonely and tortured place. Sharing those suspicions can have a profound impact on how others interact with you, your safety, and even your livelihood. Personally I have faith that God will bring justice in His time and that even those who don’t get caught in this life will have to answer to Him in the end. There is peace in knowing that you’ve done what you can to expose the truth and God is in control.

Accepting some of these circumstances as “solved” though—it hasn’t happened yet. Perhaps we who question the “truth” are who God intends to bring justice through. There are times when I’m thinking through some of these cases and that old familiar translucent twilight sidles up next to me. In that particular kind of silence I’m reminded that something still isn’t right, and the truth might have yet to be found. It’s like a door hasn’t closed yet, or a window latch has come undone in a forgotten room and a breeze is rustling old, worn curtains that should have been taken down 30 years ago.

Pray for justice. Hope for solutions. Trust that God sees all. And if you, like me, find yourself nagged by the unsettling feeling that there is more to the story of someone’s death than you have been told, know that there are others who understand.


It turns out that an eerie type of chaos can lurk just behind a façade of order—and yet, deep inside the chaos lurks an even eerier type of order. –Douglas Hofstadtera

 

Heidi Hiatt, MA is as a Forensic Psychologist.  You can read more of her posts at her personal blog, Truth, Justice, and All-American Allergen-Free Apple Pie Straight Talk in a Crooked World

Shelter Yourself From the Storm of Abuse

by Karen Rae Elkins

I’ve set sail with the Lady Bass Anglers Association, the LBAA. I was headed to Lake Ray Hubbard, Texas for the first of four tournaments. This is my Rookie year with the LBAA fishing league. Something magical happens when you have a group of 50 women linked by the common thread of tournament fishing. We arrive wide-eyed and tough enough to meet the challenges of battling any obstacle that would stand in the way of fishing. We all leave the lake a little stronger, a little wiser, holding tight to a fist full of determination to fish again.

When I started learning all about the mechanics of piloting a bass boat on my own, the sunrises seem more alive. Maybe, it was because I felt more alive after I left an abusive relationship. Alone, on a lake somewhere, I could breath in all that had been smothered by the hate and guilt he inflicted on my soul. I sustained major damage when I said no more and left him. Spending time on the water reminded me that I’m not all that he complained needed “changing in me” in order to meet his approval. I replaced the words "if you would just listen to me" with the sweet music of songbirds or rhythmic tap of a woodpecker. Nature nurtures the heart that loves her with food for the soul. It has taken years and many fish on the line to absorb I’m just fine.

March is a quirky weather month for fishing. There are cold days and warm days in-between stirring up the atmosphere. Packing means you carry “IT” all like you’re never coming home, winter clothes and shoes, summer clothes and shoes, warm and cold water tackle, not to mention, electronics and chargers, food, alarm clocks and coffee pot. I carry sentimental items like a photo of the kids, my sons first Bible, a CD that my daughter makes me for the drive and a lure that was given to my dad and I at a tournament we fished years ago. By the time i close the door to the rig and crank the big diesel truck, if it’s not packed in the truck or boat, I don’t need it. This trip would be different from all other tournaments. I was traveling the highway to Texas with my future husband, Professional Canadian Angler, Kasey Fedoriw. Yep, I'm engaged to a good man, a man who will never hurt me and he fishes!
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If you are in an abusive relationship, go ahead and pack like you are never coming home. The weather there will, at some point, turn rough to deadly in an instant. You cant forecast abuse. There are so many reasons to stay but there are many more reasons you must leave. I know what you are thinking, "Things may get better if I will just tough it out and stay". Has he threatened to take you out of this world? Pack like you’re never coming home. If you don’t have “IT” when you leave, count it as gone. There is nothing more valuable than your life. Going back just gives him one more chance to take you out of this world. It is his intent every time he swings at you to take your life. Don’t give him another chance. Why don't you leave?

I watched it rain in Texas and then I watched it rain some more. I watched the lake rise and then I watched it rise some more. I felt the 25 + mph winds as thew blew across the water stirring up the bottom of the lake. Fishermen spend their fair share of time talking and watching the weather details. If I call Tony in Omaha, I'll ask him "How is the weather in Nebraska"? It's an unspoken way of saying how is the fishing? He in return will ask, "How's the weather in the South'? I laugh and say, “Don't get me to lying to ya Tony”. Weathermen lie (not on purpose) to fishermen all the time. The weather makes a liar out of all of us at one time or another.

It is said that your life unfolds as it should and I hold on to this knowledge when I’m fishing. I love Texas lakes. I love catching Texas bass. I arrived in Texas 6 days prior to official practice just to go fishing on one of the most famous lakes in the US, Lake Fork. Bass or no bass if you’ve never seen a sunset on Lake Fork, it can soothe the soul. The sun in every color floats down below the horizon of water in a matter of breath-taking minutes. This would be my second trip to Lake Fork for just fun fishing and soaking up nature at it’s best. I caught my best “record” bass on my first trip to Fork. It was HUGE, no lie.

I used my time on Lake Fork to test two new rods that I had ordered from the man who hand makes beautiful works of art captured in a rod. I broke my Fish Steady rod a week before I left for Texas. Fishermen identify with their rods to the point that the rod is an extension of their hand. Fish Steady is a custom rod made in Alabama by Greg Hughes of Greg’s Custom Rods. The Fish Steady rod is a specialty rod designed for my buzzbaits and jerkbaits. The rod is very short by fishermen standards. I had an angler look at the rod and say, “Karen, That looks like a Snoopy rod to me”. The rod is purple and the reel is purple as well. Just like pink is the color of breast cancer, purple is the symbolic color used to identify domestic violence. I wear a purple fishing jersey as well. I can identify with the abuse that you've felt, because your past never truly goes away. Learn to live with your past while you map out a better future for yourself. I fish steady to bring women and men out of violent relationships. I know what it's like to have felt a touch that is anything but loving, soft, and healing.

Official practice started on a cloudy day. I would have 3 days and about 6 hours to pre-fish. I knew where I wanted to fish and I started exploring the waters. Kasey was my practice partner for the tourney. I loved having him on my boat. He is one of my biggest fans and a huge help in finding fish. He respects me in all I do. I did my homework for the lake 5 days prior to official practice. Each day off the water I spent hours, watching water levels, looking at the water from the land, researching articles, watch videos of fishing and plotting my course.

Anglers are early risers. I awoke on day one of practice with butterflies. I was up at 4 AM packing the boat, packing lunches, watching the weather channel. I did my fair share of killing time before sunrise, too. I said a prayer as the boat left the trailer for the first day of practice. I pray for safety first. I launched between two bridges. The water between the bridges are famous for taking out the engines lower unit. The path out to the channel looks clear but danger lurks below the water in the form of trees and stumps. If I run over a stump I could kill the lower unit and then be unable to compete in the tournament. Replacing the lower unit can take a week or longer.

I had the best Day One of practice I’ve ever had. I found fish in 4 out of 5 locations. I was on top of the world. I had to call a no fishing day for day two of practice. The weather warned of tornados. I do not fish during lightening weather and I sure wasn’t launching the boat in tornado weather. Fishing is one of the most dangerous sports, honest. I believe in safety first on and off the water. Before you cast a line in the water, Mother Nature has to say, “Go fish... or stay on the bank”.

Mother Nature plays her part in every fisherman's life and she is unpredictable. Abuse for the most part can make people lie to themselves and others, like the weathermen lie to us daily. Abuse is the storm for which there is no weather vane to predict where the violent destination will rest. There are no formula’s to predict the outcome of abuse. You can hope for the best but you need to be aware that 2,500 just like you didn’t survive last year’s violence. Every three minutes a woman is being raped. Every eighteen seconds a woman is being beaten. It's happening right now, as I write these words to you. You rarely heard the reports of just how at risk these people were. There were no storm warnings issued for their life. With very few resources spent in the right direction, there are few options to find shelter during the storm of violence.

Like the water on a lake abuse lies beneath the surface. You know it's there and avoiding it is a scary task. What looks safe could be the very obsticle responsible for ending your life. You can't see it, but it is there. It can kill you. "The weather changes” is a true statement. Turbulent eruptions in the atmosphere predict a storms path, unlike the violent person in your life. One day there are bright blue skies and the next thing you know minutes seem like hours as the darkness takes over. Make the decision now to build your own shelter from abuse. One of the best resources to protect your life comes within. It’s called the will to survive. Stir that instinct that has been beaten down with words and actions from another person. Once you’ve accomplished the stir within you to live, take the appropriate cover.
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The remainder of the pre-fish wasn’t like day one at all. Finding the fish became hard as the waters continued to rise and the winds blew in excess of 25 mph. The waves grew large with the southern winds and resulted in stirring up the mud that lay below. The slightly stained lake waters became a bowl of overflowing chocolate milk.

Tournament day finally arrived with a roaring wind. The weatherman said, “No rain in the forecast”, but it poured rain and contributed to muddy waters everywhere. Of course I packed my 100 MPH suit and I had it on. While in practice I saw 3 boats in the creek I wanted to fish. The fish were big en’s. I was boat number 2 in the line-up. I was first in creek. Three days prior to the tournament the creek held ample numbers of big bass. On tournament day the creek was high and the bass had left the creek. Carp and gar fish that decided to spawn where my bass were living. I left the area and did battle in the open wind and rain. I lost two fish and weighed in zero. I was able to go across the stage and talk about domestic violence. I offered help to anyone in the audience with domestic violence problems. So I had zero fish, but the good news was a woman came to me. I succeeded in fishing steady.

After a long day of fishing, I went to a birthday celebration at the Word Famous Fish Company Restaurant at Bass Pro Shop for Cassie Hall’s dad. I wanted to share in the happiness that a dad has for his daughter who fishes. You see, my dad has always supported my fishing in every way. At the time of the tournament, I knew my dad was not going to be on this earth for much longer. He was in a semi-coma like state and wouldn’t respond to anyone or anything. I pushed my situation of sadness out by thinking on the good dinners I shared with my dad on a lake somewhere.

Day two wasn’t any kinder. The weather changed again. The clouds left and the winds stopped blowing. I decided to ride south as far as I could, away from the muddy waters. I was fishing blind because I hadn’t laid eyes on the structure I was fishing. Again, I missed the chance to land a big fish. I scared him. I left the area with intentions of coming back after the fish settled back into his habitat. A co-angler with Pro Kathy Magers caught the fish. It weighed over 6 lbs. After the tournament all I wanted to do was see my dad.

Good things happened in Texas regardless of my finish. I am an official member of the Lake Fork Trophy Lure company Pro Staff as the result of a chance stop. The bass seem to enjoy taking a bite out of one Lake Fork's Creature baits, so I respond in kind by giving them what they like for breakfast or dinner. I'm proud to be part of their Pro Staff. If you are in the Lake Fork area and smell the scent of garlic, look around until you see the LFT big bass logo and spend some time with owner Ronnie Parker an

You can’t change the weather but you can prepare for the worst. Anything is possible when you’re out there on your own. Abusers tend to isolate their intended victim. No one can leave for you. If you are in a violent relationship, “Get out, but be smarter than he ever gave you credit for being”. Make your own sweet list for leaving. The worst storms come if you announce your plans to leave. Because you are in an abusive relationship, start leaving, but start smart. Realize that you and those you love dearly are in danger. Never, ever, even hint that you plan to leave and abusive relationship.

There are many lists out there to guide you in your journey to freedom. Do your homework and scan every list you can find. One of the best lists to date is published in the book, Time’s Up, by Susan Murphy-Milano. I carry copies of the book on tour with me. Have a plan but know the weather can change from day to day. If you must leave abruptly, remember to never go back for any reason, regardless. I read a story about a woman in my hometown who went back to her home with a police escort. She left in a body bag. If you have computer access not in your home, read the stories on-line about the women who left and those who are missing. Know that your life is precious and know why you are in danger of losing the one thing you can’t buy or replace. You are irreplaceable. Once you walk out the door a whole world of possibilities are in your destiny. Love yourself enough to leave.

I know some of you think fishing can't be that tough, but it comes with daily challenges. It is easier than leaving a bad relationship. I'd rather face 1,000 new lakes than spend a day with an abusive man. I'm headed to Lake Dardanelle, Arkansas for the second LBAA event. I sure hope to perform like I know I can. All I need is 5 fifteen inch fish for two days in a row. That's all. Following the tourney Kasey and I will be fishing a benefit tourney on Lake Dardanelle. One of the tournament host is BASS Elite Kevin Short. We plan to spend a few days touring the boat factory at Legend Boats. Legend is a sponsor of the Ladies tour.

Time's Up is published as a resource for the abused who want to break free from the weather pattern of unpredictable violence. There will always be storms in our life, it’s all in the way you shelter down to prevent death. Time's Up for abuse. Life is precious.

One final note and then I'm through talking until i fish Lake Dardanelle:

My father lived a wonderful life. He had the gift of photography and he used his gift all his life. He passed away on April 12th. I miss my fishing partner. He’s is in Heaven, fishing with Jesus. I bet Jesus doesn’t talk as much as I did on the boat. Dad is enjoying the silent fish. 

Fish steady.

Karen Rae Elkins is a professional female angler and a survivor!

Actress Jennifer Hudson Under the Bright Lights of Life

Julian King, Age 7

In Chicago yesterday jury selection began for William Balfour. He's standing trial for the October 24, 2008 murders of Darnell Donerson, 57, Jason Hudson, 29 and Julian King, 7.

Balfour was the estranged husband of Julia Hudson who had threatened her just days prior to making good on his promise because she was ending the relationship. He does the unthinkable after murdering Darnell and Jason, taking Julian who likely witnessed the murders of his grandma and uncle Balfour takes the keys steels an SUV belonging to Jason Hudson and the child's bullet ridden body is discovered three days later in Chicago's West Side Englewood neighborhood.

When neighbors were interviewed and an Amber alert was in effect for Julian, they reported hearing shots fired but no one reported the bang, bang sounds because in this neighborhood the sounds of gunfire are commonplace.

At the very core of these murders stands a daughter, sister and aunt whom in one day, lost her entire world to one man's anger and rage. Yes, intimate partner violence and homicide strikes and erase's lives of families from every social economic level of our society. But when it affects someone famous the world automatically puts on a different pair of rose colored glasses.

Jennifer Hudson's star would rise and fall all in a matter of months. Her rise to the national spotlight on American Idol followed by a nomination and Oscar for her performance in the movie "Dreamgirls," to the fall of her only bright star in her life, her mother Darnell, Jennifer's entire world.

That is what intimate partner homicide does it hijacks those left behind to pick-up the pieces of their lives. Forever, a survivor is changed, their entire world as they once knew it, gone. It affects generations. The following year on August 11, 2009, Jennifer gave birth to a baby boy. Her child will never know the warmth and love of his grandmother, uncle Jason or cousin Julia. This was not some isolated incident, but a planned out execution.

As the trial makes national headlines how about we provide information on those currently living in fear for their lives. How about we direct those in violent relationships to create a plan that includes information at the document the abuse site where victims are directed to create the evidentiary abuse affidavit. They too, are someone's bright star who deserve to end a relationship with their lives!

Time's Up!

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as a educator and specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases.

A national trainer to law enforcement, training officers, prosecutors, judges, legislators, social service providers, healthcare professionals, victim advocates and the faith based community and author.. In partnership with Management Resources Ltd. of New York addressing prevention and solutions within the community to the workplace. Host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show,"Time'sUp!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host onCrime Wire. Online contributions: Forbes : Crime, She Writes providing commentary about the hottest topics on crime, justice, and law from a woman’s perspective, as well as Time's Up! a blog which searches for solutions (SOS) for victims of crime. And the author of the upcoming book "Holding My Hand Through Hell."

He Has a Dream!

by Neil Schori

Editor's note: Neil Schori has made a committment to assist victims of abuse through his church with the hope that other pastors will see this important service and offer it in their churches as well. Thank you Neil!

I have some huge dreams for 2012.  I hope you do, too.  I believe the best way to make dreams come true is by sharing them.  So here is one of mine...I want church leaders to step-up and realize the seriousness of domestic violence in their own congregations.  When one issue impacts the lives of 25% of a church congregation, serious attention must be given!  One easy way to understand how small actions can make a huge difference is to realize that 5 families can change the world for 1.3 million women each year subjected to abuse by the men that are supposed to care for them the most.

My vision is to find 5 families in each church in the nation to be safe houses for victims of abuse.  This would be safe, temporary housing for victims of domestic violence.  I also want to do widespread education of church leaders about the issue of domestic violence and to train church leaders how to use a tool (found on documenttheabuse.com) that will revolutionize the way we assist victims of abuse.  But the truth is…in order to do these things, we need financial assistance.

There are costs to the generous families that open their doors to victims and their children.  And we need help to pay for the costs of educating church leaders all over the country.  There are many needs that will arise and they always cost something.

We know that you may never be in a position to open your home to a victim…but maybe you have the money to give.  If you would like to give to this incredible dream, you may safely and securely donate here on our church Paypal account: http://napervillechristian.org/resources (then click on 'online giving’).

Thank you so much for your generosity!  Your gift WILL rescue victims of domestic violence and it will educate the next generation of people who will positively change our culture.

Peace,

Neil

Neil Schori serves as lead pastor of Naperville Christian Church, and is a remarkable advocate for those in abusive relationships.

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