When Traditional Boundaries are Meaningless

By Charles Moncrief

As Domestic Violence Awareness Month has ended, maybe we can keep from allowing the public eye to close on this scourge. Here’s my contribution to that effort.

It’s a special treat to me when asked to give the Children’s Sermon because I’m far more likely to use props than when preaching to adults.

Several years ago I visited a hospital nursery with a tape recorder. (Yes, I know, I’m dating myself!) The nurses allowed me to record the crying of several infants, to get samples from different social, ethnic, and economic backgrounds. The following Sunday, the children came up and sat with me in front of the congregation. First, I played a few of the samples with a one-second pause between them.

Then I played back three of them, pausing to let the children reflect on what they heard.

Then I asked the children to identify the little girl.

Then I asked the children to identify the Asian boy.

Then I asked the children to identify the baby from the rich family.

The children couldn’t tell which was which.


Finally, I replayed the three tapes and again asked them to tell me the difference between the infants’ crying sounds.

You’d think I scripted their answer: “We don’t know.”

Now please fast-forward with me twenty, thirty, or forty years. Put on a blindfold and listen to the outcry of a person suffering from abuse.

Did the cry come from a White woman?

Did the cry come from a Black woman?

Did the cry come from an Asian woman?

Did the cry come from a bride?

Did the cry come from a woman in poverty?

Did the cry come from a Middle-class woman?

Did the cry come from a wealthy woman?

Did the cry come from the wife of a soldier?

Did the cry come from woman serving in the military?

Did the cry come from a Debutante?

Did the cry come from a man?


Do you know?


Grace and Peace,

Charles+

Anglican Priest, Charles Moncrief, serves up the issues of the day on a platter mixed with scripture, seriousness, and a sense of humor to create a ministry founded in love for his fellow man.

“I’m an Anglican Priest, disguised as a geek during the week. It’s REALLY tough to change my costume, since phone booths are getting hard to find!” 

Domestic Violence Does Not End with October

By Jillian Maas Backman

Our conscience is not the vessel of eternal verities. It grows with our social life, and a new social condition means a radical change in conscience. -Walter Lippmann, journalist (1889-1974) 

The time has come to say goodbye to the yearly blog posts designated to highlight Domestic Violence Awareness for the month of October. My fellow authors did an exceptional job describing the highs and lows of this formidable social opponent. As heart- wrenching and warming as the posts were, I’m afraid it’s going to take a lot more than underscoring this public epidemic once a year to influence long-term change.

As famous journalist Walter Lippmann stated long ago, not everyone’s conscience is filled with virtuous truths or principles. For some, their scruples resonates with less than impeccable verities and act accordingly towards mankind/womankind.

So how does revisiting this open-ended dialog every year at this time help solve or combat this societal issue? For the very reason Lippmann pointed out way back in the day. This is the only way to keep moving forward and grow in our social life, set new social conditions and patterns to achieve radical transformation.

I realize we would all like to snap our fingers and make this social deviance magically disappear, but that’s not how “radical change in conscience” truly occurs. It’s slow and steady -- like the turtle and the hare. One small step at a time. If we keep pushing the issue to the top of our concern list, this will eventually lead to the conscious shift we so desperately seek.

Domestic Violence Achievements

The victories may seem minuscule in scale to other social problems we have right now, but I assure you, if we don’t keep this conversation going past this month, we are going to have bigger challenges down the road. Relationships are the brick and mortar that keeps our social structure together in one cohesive, conscious group. Every time another case of violence is afflicted upon another, it blows a tiny pinhole into this edifice. Eventually, if we accumulate enough pinholes, the entire consciousness will collapse upon itself. And this, my friends, is the biggest threat we have at the moment.

The part Mr. Lippmann didn’t get to experience in his lifetime are the achievements we’ve made towards a new awareness when it comes to this issue. Yes, our walls may be filled with tiny pinholes from aggression towards another, but we are making significant advancements towards plugging up those nasty holes with a new type of mortar.

Thriving survivors and their supporters are reforming social conditions using words and legislation to fill these pinpricks with a new kind of eternal verities. A vessel containing social plaster, mixed with the right amount of integrity, inspiration and hopeful principles that are leading us down the enlightened change Lippmann envisioned.

Change for Peace

As we close this month out, I want all of us to commit ourselves to staying on task to honor those who have lost their lives bringing forth this change, and stay diligent in assisting those who need help in finding their way through dark times far beyond this month of October 2014. My hope for us all is when we convene again next October our posts will contain less stories about tragedies and more about: Peace dear ones, peace!

The kind of peace one finds in hearts, minds, and best of all, relationships we treasure the most.

Please keep life SACRED!

Jillian Maas Backman is a professional speaker, award winning author and radio host. She is an innovator in the realm of creating personal paradigm shifts integrating established methods to augment communal objectives through leadership training and private consultations.

Website: JillianMaasBackman.Com

10 Reasons Why I Stayed in a Violent Relationship

By Heidi Hiatt

“So why didn’t you just leave?” The question hit a nerve somewhere near my third thoracic vertebra and sizzled in my right cheek like an antagonized hornet.

That question. I hate that question. I’m tired of that question. But I try to use that question to give people a crash course in the dynamics of domestic violence because they might end up saving the life of a victim. Everybody knows somebody.

When you’re in an abusive relationship, chances are you can’t just leave. You’ve heard me say it many times– the risk of homicide goes up 75 percent when you leave an abusive relationship. Your abuser might not want you anymore, and has tried to make you feel like the most vile, undesirable piece of filth on the planet, but let me tell you something– they still want control over you. Some will do anything to keep it. Anything.

There are some fantastic lists online that detail why victims of domestic violence stay, such as the LAPD’s Domestic Violence: Reasons Why Battered Victims Stay With the Batterers. I strongly suggest becoming familiar with this material because, if it hasn’t happened already, you’re going to catch wind of domestic violence close to you sometime and that person will need your help. Their life could depend on it.

All of the possible reasons a man or woman might stay in an abusive relationship won’t be listed here. I do want to expound on ten reasons victims don’t just leave. Please understand that reasons vary from victim to victim; one size doesn’t fit all.

1. The victim doesn’t understand that what they are experiencing is abuse. 

Growing up, I never realized that what was happening to my siblings and I was technically abuse. We didn’t know we could call 911, or tell an adult who could have involved the authorities. We thought it had to happen all the time or cause long-term physical injury. We knew that it was wrong, but we didn’t know we could have done something about it other than try to get family members to listen.

Recently I became aware of an incident in which the abuser told his daughter that if she sought help, nothing would happen because, “it’s not abuse unless it leaves a mark.” She is being conditioned to accept several types of abuse as normal and legal. This is what abusers do– they rationalize their behavior and remind you that it’s not as bad as you think it is or what you think it is. They often claim to be disciplining you, but their bursts of screaming rage, whether hands-on or hands-off, are ultimately meant to satisfy their own need for power and control.

Many of you are familiar with the Power and Control Wheel. Think of the wheel as a pie. Many people define domestic violence/abuse as physical violence. Abusers like you to believe that, because then they can raid your bank account, tear you down emotionally, sleep around, and threaten to slit your throat while you think there’s nothing you can do about it. Physical violence is just one piece of the pie. Get familiar with the other pieces so that you understand what’s going on. Domestic violence often starts in one part of the pie and moves to another, or gradually becomes the whole pie.

2. The victim doesn’t understand the cycle of violence. 

There are often three phases of domestic violence. Tension builds, the abuser explodes, and then the honeymoon phase sets in. Because of the honeymoon phase, a period in which the abuser may seem calm, apologetic, or remorseful, victims can be lulled into believing that life has gotten better and their abuser’s changed. But they must understand that the cycle will continue if not stopped, and that fragile appearance of peace is just the calm before the next storm.

Remember in the Tina Turner biopic What’s Love Got to Do with It when Ike Turner brought her presents after strangling and sexually assaulting her? That’s one manifestation of the honeymoon phase. It’s the time during which your abuser convinces you to stay because they don’t do it all the time, or the makeup sex was intense, or they went to counseling. Maybe they bought you a nice present, brought you flowers, or worked some overtime to pay some bills. You start to think that it’s not so bad and because it doesn’t happen all the time you’ll get through it.

Get off the fatal merry-go-round. Connect with a domestic violence advocate in secret, make a safety plan, and document what’s happening. If your abuser was serious about change he wouldn’t keep hurting you. Don’t let others convince you how dangerous he is or isn’t or whether or not he’ll escalate– you already know, deep down, that this is serious and it always repeats.

3. The abuser has brainwashed the victim into helplessness. 

You’re not hot anymore. You don’t dress sexy anymore. You’re not the svelte single digit size you were when you married him 15 years and three kids ago. You’re book smart, but you have no common sense. You could never survive on your own. You’ll have to leave the kids and pets behind if you go. No one will help you. No one will hire you. No one else would want an ugly, stupid ____ like you.

Millions, even billions, of victims hear these vicious jabs on a regular basis. This is everyday life in households across America and the world. After days and weeks and years of hearing how horrible you are, you start to believe the lies. The stress of constantly being told how inadequate you are doesn’t motivate you to eat heathier, go back to school, or work out, it makes it all worse.

Mental manipulation is like the sonic screwdriver in the abuser’s toolbox. They can bust it out anytime, anywhere, and use it to harm you, charm you, disarm you, or alarm you. Hear this: God made you a unique individual with a special purpose. You are beautiful to Him. Start listening to who He says you are and stop believing the lies that are pounded into your head mercilessly. You are worth so much more than this. You are not who your abuser says you are. Get help now.

4. The victim has conflicting emotions. 

You married them because you loved them, right? You still love them. It’s not the same as it was in the beginning, but you promised your life to this person. Because you love them, you want to make it work. They’re a selfish narcissist who terrorizes you and the kids half the time, but you know that good guy from your early days of dating is still in there somewhere.

You might have this argument with yourself many times while deciding what to do about an abusive situation. The thought of breaking that bond can be overwhelming when you love the person. As Sandra L. Brown often points out at her Institute for Relational Harm Reduction website, the feelings you have for a pathological personality (narcissist, sociopath, etc.) can be especially intense.

Ask yourself this: is it worth your life? Is there some unwritten rule that says if you love someone you’ll hang in there no matter what horrors they inflict on you, your kids, and your pets? God loves you more than anyone, and God doesn’t approve of you being terrorized, threatened, or beaten.

You might always have feelings, in some form, for that person. Or, like many of us who’ve gotten away from unhealthy relationships, you come to see the relationship realistically over time and realize that’s not what true love looks like. True love– a love that builds you up rather than draining you– could still be out there.

5. The victim has been convinced that their culture and/or religion does not allow them to move on. 

I wrestled with just such a theological argument for years. Some influences in my life had taught me that if you are divorced– no matter the reason– God will never, ever allow you to be married again. Even though I knew I had to get out, it seemed that I might have to live the rest of my life as a barren widow, practicing some sort of eternal faithfulness to someone who was already doing whatever they wanted.

“God hates divorce.” Yes He does. It’s in the Manufacturer’s Handbook. But God also hates evil and calls us to separate ourselves from it. Domestic violence isn’t a trivial trial incidental to marriage. It’s a sin. It’s wrong. It’s sick and selfish and sadistic. It allows the abuser to act as god rather than honoring the real God by honoring our spouse.

Unfortunately, the first place domestic violence victims go for help is often the last place they can find it– the church. This damning judgmental legalism you heard about in my Blaming the Victims post is pervasive in God’s house. Far too often, when victims speak to someone in the church about what’s happening to them, the first thing that happens is they’re counseled as to how THEY could make it better!

Pastors and priests need to understand that the first thing they should be concerned about when domestic violence comes up is the safety of the victims. The victim should not be guilted or burdened more than they already are. They shouldn’t be told to act more perky, make nicer dinners, or submit to their abuser more. They don’t need to be sat down with their abuser as if both of them need to humble themselves and make concessions. That’s aiding and abetting the abuse. What they do need is practical help from an advocate or agency who will consider their safety first and worry about the relationship later. Hook them up.

Domestic violence is wrong. Many aspects of it can result in criminal charges. I call on the church to stand united against it rather than taking the easy or uneducated out of making victims think they have to keep enduring it. That’s not Christian. That’s crazy.

6. The victim does not have enough resources to leave. 

This is a common problem. A victim may be financially dependent upon their abuser. Perhaps the victim doesn’t work, or makes less money, or is primarily responsible for the children. The thought of walking away with little or nothing keeps many trapped. They don’t know how they’ll survive. How do you eat? Where do you sleep? They might have heard that 40 percent of homeless women are homeless because of domestic violence (this is true in my area).

This last year, a group of coworkers got together to furnish an apartment and buy necessities for a woman and her children in this situation. They’d left the abuser with the clothes on their back and their toothbrushes. That’s it. Thankfully we live in a region where a lot of nonprofits, churches, and agencies will connect victims with resources to get them back on their feet. Many aren’t as blessed. But don’t assume there’s no way out– talk to an advocate or agency to find out what help might be available. And again, remember that it’s not worth your life.

7. The victim feels ashamed of or embarrassed by the abuse. 

Admitting that you’re a victim can be much more difficult than it sounds. A victim might think that speaking out or leaving screams failure. Disconnecting from a dangerous, toxic relationship is not a failure, but a victory. When you become free from the soul-sucking, potentially fatal chains that have held you down, you discover that there’s a whole world out there you were missing. Life blossoms with possibilities and you achieve things you never could have dreamed while someone else was drowning you.

You might process all sorts of confusing emotions while making it to safety, and your life might be peppered with negative people who treat you like you didn’t do enough. You know what? They need to work on their own issues, one of which is dissecting other people’s lives while ignoring the issues in their own. Hypocrites are hypercritical. Focus on the successes you have and that will come, not the coulda shoulda wouldas.

8.  Fear. 

Plain and simple, fear is legitimate and justifiable in the context of abuse. We might be afraid of being murdered if we leave, which is why documentation and safety planning are so important. We might be afraid of what people will think. We could be afraid of the unknown. We could be afraid because we have no idea what to do next. The thought of being alone can be terrifying as well.

Ace pilot Eddie Rickenbacker aptly stated, “Courage is doing what you are afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you are scared.” As bestselling author Gavin de Becker says, fear is a gift, an instinct that can alert us to danger. So pay attention to that fear even when it doesn’t make sense. But also know that you can harness that fear to achieve positive change. Once you have overcome the fear that is holding you back by strategically leaving abuse behind you, who knows what you’ll achieve? You might, like me, find that where there was once fear there is now a passionate righteous anger that motivates you to help others.

9. The victim might be unsure that the police will believe or help them. 

I understand this well. That was a major hesitation and gamble for me. I had to report a cop to the cops. I was blessed with a police department and prosecution team who thoroughly understood what was going on. But years later, I’m still treated as a lying, vindictive attention seeker by some in the law enforcement community because I chose to stay alive. I remind myself that they don’t know, they’re quick to protect their own, and they have no idea how much sacrifice has been involved.

But this gut-wrenching dilemma is faced by victims of all walks of life in myriad locations. Will the cops believe me? I don’t have bruises right now. I didn’t start documenting this until the past year. No one else but me knows what he’s really like at home. He’ll just put on his Mr. Smooth persona if I call the police and convince them that I’m mental-emotional.

This is why domestic violence and sexual assault training is so important for first responders. They need to recognize red flags and take every allegation seriously. They need to document these incidents. Their agencies should require this of them so the treatment of domestic violence is not left up to their personal discretion. Despite the widely trumpeted myth that many women fabricate domestic violence allegations and sexual assault, studies show that the vast majority do not. Start by believing.

Victims, if what is being done to you is minimized or dismissed, keep trying. Contact a domestic violence hotline, a prosecutor, a local advocacy agency (like LifeWire in the Seattle area), someone who you can confide in. Have details ready and don’t downplay what the abuser’s doing. Don’t give up.

10. The victim doesn’t know where to start.

 Let’s solve that right now. Before you visit these websites, know how to swiftly delete your browsing history so that your abuser doesn’t know you were there. It’s advisable to use a computer the abuser can’t access outside of the home to view such information, like a library computer. Consider what information might be retained on your cell phone as well.

National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Times Up! A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships

Document the Abuse – learn more about a valuable legal tool for victims called the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit here

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Christian Mental Health & Family Hope Ministries

RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network), 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

Start by Believing

National Network to End Domestic Violence

No More

Love is Respect (National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline, 1-866-331-9474)

Domestic Shelters – find a safe place near you

Stalking Resource Center

OutrageUs (stalking help)

If you’re in Washington State, here are additional resources, including for those in the greater Seattle area:

Crisis Clinic, 1-866-427-4747

Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Christian Coalition For Safe Families

King County Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Washington State Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-562-6025

LifeWire, 24-hour help line 1-800-827-8840

New Beginnings, 24-hour help line 206-522-9472

The Hope Line, 206-432-8424 (help with a wide range of issues including domestic violence, human trafficking, housing, gangs, etc. as well as confidential prayer support)

In conclusion, next time you’re tempted to ask someone, “why don’t you leave?” or “why didn’t you leave?”, consider how that sounds. It sounds like you’re blaming them, which will only complicate things. Instead, as blogger Amy Thompson proposes in Language Matters When Engaging Survivors of Domestic Violence in Discussion, ask how they found the courage to leave. If they haven’t left yet, ask how you can help them. Even if you simply provide them with a hotline number, that could be their first step towards becoming a survivor rather than a victim.

You could literally save a life.

Read more on this topic, including tweets from survivors: #WhyIStayed


Take the first step, and your mind will mobilize all its forces to your aid. But the first essential is that you begin. –Robert Collier

Heidi Hiatt, MA recently graduated as a Forensic Psychologist.  You can read more of her posts at her personal blog, Truth, Justice, and All-American Allergen-Free Apple Pie Straight Talk in a Crooked World

I’ll Always Miss Her

by Anne Peterson

If only I had known that conversation would have been our last. I would have stayed on the phone forever.

With grief there are stages a person goes through. And eventually they get to a point where they are coping as they desperately try to find how to move on.

But when a person is murdered, it’s a different set of rules. You don’t just get over it.

Grief is hard enough when a loved one dies. You have to accept the fact you will never see them again, never hear their voice. It’s unbearable at times.

But add to that a bunch of questions that never get answered and you have just complicated the whole process.

My name is Anne Peterson and my sister Peggy Dianovsky, went missing on September 12, 1982. We never believed she walked out as her husband claimed.

We knew she was going for custody of her children.

We knew she was advised not to leave the state, by her attorney.

We knew she loved being a mother than anything else in the world.

Still, we were told she walked out. And sadder still, that’s what her boys were told.

Peggy Dianovsky

Our day in court

In 2004, we went to court as her missing person case had been changed to a possible homicide. We sat there listening to testimony after testimony.

Foolishly, I thought with more information I would feel better. I was wrong.

At one point, they wheeled in a monitor and played a video of Peggy’s house in Schaumburg. As the camera scanned her front entryway and her door swung open my stomach tied in knots.

Leaning over I said to my brother, “I can’t do this.” But I did.  In fact, when it was my turn to testify, I did that too.

I remember how quiet the courtroom became on the day of sentencing. I was certain others around me could hear my heart beating out of my chest. And then Judge Porter spoke. “I find the defendant…

Over in a moment

Really? Was it going to be over in a matter of moments. All our waiting, all our crying?

We knew going in there no matter what the outcome, we’d never have what we really wanted. Peggy.

And now in a matter of moments it would be over. Well, not really. You see, you never get over it. You just try you best to keep going.

“I find the defendant, “Not guilty.”

We sat there unable to move while the other side of the courtroom erupted in cheers, high fives and pats on the back for my brother-in-law.

We were quickly escorted out of the courtroom.

Impact statements

One thing the court system allows are impact statements. It’s when a family member is allowed to share with the court how the death has impacted the family. A statement describing the hell you’ve endured without your loved one, trying to understand what’s impossible to understand. There, in court, in front of all those listening ears.

But here’s the kicker. When there’s no conviction, you don’t get to make that statement.

It’s as if it didn’t happen. That added insult to injury. For no matter what the verdict was, the crime was still committed. A life was erased from a family forever.

BROKEN

If you are dealing with this situation my heart goes out to you. I felt compelled to share my sister’s story as well as my own in my book, BROKEN: A Story of Abuse and Survival.

It’s a book for those who have been abused. It’s for those who are being abused right now. But it’s also a book for those who have no clue about abuse. We need to educate those who look at abuse and ask questions like, “Why didn’t she just leave?”And while it’s a common question, it’s important to know that’s exactly when some are killed. Peggy was trying to leave.

Our lives were forever changed with Peggy’s death.

Domestic violence is real. It’s painful. And we need to do something about it.

One day, it could be your family member. I hope it never is. With all my heart, I hope it never is.

I’d like to share that writing my book really helped me in many ways. I have heard it is a good resource, and that is rewarding. But because I have written it, I have freed up other things inside me. I am now writing children’s books! I believe they were hiding under the pain.

There is hope on the other side. Just take one step at a time. You are not alone.

Anne Peterson has been a contributor to Time’s Up. She is a poet, speaker and published author of Real Love: Guaranteed to Last, Broken: A Story of Abuse and Survival, and most recently, her first children’s book, Emma’s Wish. Anne’s poetry is sold throughout the U.S. and in 23 countries. For more information about Anne visit http://www.annepeterson.com, or https://www.facebook.com/annepetersonwrites.

Gone Girl: Fiction or Dangerous Reality?

By Amy Robinson

The movie, “Gone Girl” with Ben Affleck came out this week. I recently saw the trailer for this film and I was horrified. It felt like living through the week that my family and I spent searching for my sister all over again. The difference is – this piece of fiction, based on a book of the same name, actually lends credence and credibility to the idea that the missing person is not worth looking for, and that her significant other is just an innocent victim of some spontaneous, ridiculously complicated and complex plot to falsely implicate him.

In reality, it doesn’t really happen that way. To quote a District Attorney, “It’s not the lunatic down the street that’s going to kill you. It’s the person you fall asleep next to every night.” If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s most likely a duck – not some strange, elaborate conspiracy to frame the penguin and call him a duck.

When I was younger if I had seen an article like this, I would have rolled my eyes. I would have said, “Oh please. It’s fictional! Get over it, Lady!” Well, to some degree, I can understand that. I enjoy fantastical, elaborate storytelling more than most. My mind was blown just as much as yours at the end of “The Sixth Sense,” and I still understand that fiction is a great source of entertainment and often thought-provoking discussion. It’s that last point that gives me pause, though.

Now that I’ve lived through having to search for my sister- knowing in my bones what had already transpired, but unable to get rid of that vague sense of hope that she was still alive somewhere – I have become the loudmouth that would have once caused me to scoff.

As human beings, we look to our stories, our fiction, to form our Ethos. When our children are growing up, we read the “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” to emphasize the virtue of honesty, “The Little Engine That Could” to champion perseverance and tenacity, and “Green Eggs and Ham” to encourage them to try new things and be adventurous. We don’t change all that much as adults. We still derive our thought processes and point our ethical compasses towards the lessons that we get from our stories. The Bible, whatever else it is, at its core, is literature; it’s a story, or more precisely a bunch of stories. While we know that Darth Vader didn’t really tromp around force choking people in a galaxy far, far away, we still admire the values of courage, compassion, and fighting against the forces of tyranny and fear that are espoused by those films.

Timing the Release of Gone Girl

“Gone Girl” purports the idea that victims of intimate partner violence are likely inventing some elaborate drama in order to implicate their significant others in a crime that was never committed. This is not just far-fetched and unlikely in reality – it’s dangerous, particularly to release it during Domestic Violence Awareness Month into a culture that is ripe to finally be paying proper attention to the issue of intimate partner violence. It lends credibility to assailants that do not deserve credibility.

This narrative suggests that every murderer who has ever been implicated by his/her intimate partner’s notes or journal entries could be just an innocent victim of an elaborate scheme to discredit and incarcerate him/her. (Notice I give attention to both genders here. Jodi Arias is a perfect example of a female perpetrator who falsely claimed after the murder of her boyfriend, Travis, that she was the victim all along and he was beating her, despite all evidence to the contrary.)

I can see the headlines: “ACCUSED MURDERER ACQUITTED, DEFENSE USES MOVIE PLOT TO SWAY JURY.” Picture a loved one sitting on a witness stand, reading from a victim’s journal that reads “I’m afraid he is going to kill me,” being grilled by a defense attorney. “Are you familiar with the story of ‘Gone Girl’? Are you telling this court that it is impossible that your loved one invented all of this and planted a false journal?” Anyone sitting on the jury who saw the movie or read the book instantly has reasonable doubt, even though the story is a complete fabrication, invented in the mind of an author, brought to life by a filmmaker, and released at the most irresponsible point possible.


I ask that each of us be mindful that when we go to see a film, keep in mind that it is a fictional invention of the author, and not a factual account of events. I further ask that filmmakers and marketers be more sensitive to the timing of the films they release.

Releasing this film during Domestic Violence Awareness Month is nothing short of hurtful and offensive to those of us who have lived through events such as these, without the fantastical twist at the end, just a dead body and a huge hole left in all of our lives.

Amy Robinson is a voice actress offering a wide range of inflections and accents, bringing a variety of characters right off the page. Amy’s voice is fun, friendly, and very versatile.

Amy has a stake in Domestic Violence Awareness Month, losing her sister to murder in 2011. She created the blog, Justice for Nique, in memory of her murdered sister as a way of releasing her own emotions and being a resource for others.

Visit Amy’s Website: AmyRobinsonVO.Com

Domestic Violence: How to Spot the Lie

By Peter Hyatt

I hate political correctness, the freedoms it seeks to corral,  and I hate "months" designated for this or that.  Yet, even a broken watch is right, twice a day, and designating a month to raise awareness of domestic violence sits well with me. 

Susan Murphy Milano became a mentor, of sorts, for my work in helping (more than just advocating) for victims of D/V.

Susan Murphy-Milano
*photo/Monica Caison

Susan was amphetamines on steroids rolled up into a super pit bull of energy all at once.  Her bite was worse than her bark.  People loved her or hated her, and those that hated her, respected her.  If a "spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down", Susan had no time to stop off at the grocery store.  She moved at the speed of sound, and then some.  How cancer ever defeated her can only be explained by faith, as cancer, itself, should have feared Susan, as God knows, I did.  Yet it must have been that Christ, Himself, said, "I will be without Susan no longer" and summoned His dedicated messengers to yield her to Himself. 

Susan fought the good fight.  

Her last phone call with me haunts me still. 

Working two jobs, raising a family, and donating time to D/V victims and Missing Persons cases, I knew that Susan wrongfully thought that everyone else had her ability to jump through hoops without hesitation, sleep, or thought.  She needed me to:

a.  Keep my full time investigatory job;

b.  Keep my Statement Analysis jobs, including trainings

c.  Fly to Chicago to help film a pilot episode

d.  Go over "20/20" scripts, or something like that,

e.  Edit her new book.  (I did so, bawling my eyes out at each chapter)

f.  and, oh, by the way, discern if so and so is lying to her.  She knows he is, but she wants to make sure.  (Susan was intuitively good at lie detection but could not sit still for formal training.  She should have taught it, instead). 

She needed all of this done, one hour ago, yesterday. 

Then, there was this woman she knows, who's boyfriend had blackened her eyes, and I needed to...

This was her dedication to victims of 'intimate partner violence', as she called it.  The world was to stop to help a single victim plot her course of safety, and nothing was more important to Susan than the practical preparation for the victim. 

Susan did not "protest" Domestic Violence, as if walking around in circles, carrying a sign saying, "We are against Domestic Violence" while people across the street walked in circles, carried signs that said, "We are for Domestic Violence."

She was too sophisticated to buy into any political clap-trap that sounded like protection, but really only profited the politician who sought some nice publicity before women. 

Nope.

Susan was too busy getting the victim to find her birth certificate, medical records, toiletries, and other practicalities, to busy herself with self-seeking nonsense. 

Victims of Domestic Violence generally do not live in day to day violence. 

It isn't necessary. 

Once violence occurs, the vicim soon learns how to avoid violence by walking on eggshells, and keeping the controlling abuser satisfied.  

She learns to read his face and his body language, as necessity drives her instincts into overdrive. 

Susan could spot that look on a woman's face and know. 

I learned more from her than I wish I knew.  

Spot the Lie

"I woke up, got dressed, brushed my teeth, and went to work..."

This was from a theft investigation, years ago.  I noted from the teaching of Avinoam Sapir that when personal hygiene enters a statement, it is a signal of concealed information, often of a personal nature, which may be related to Domestic Violence.  

Why is this?

It is this way because few people (less than 10%) feel it necessary to tell us, in a written statement, that she brushed her teeth.  We all brush our teeth.  (I like to believe this when I stand close to someone at work).  Few of us feel the need to add it to our statements, even verbally when discussing our day's progress.

For the victim of Domestic Violence, life is out of control, living hour by hour on eggshells, carefully navigating the temper tantrums of the abuser, who does not need to be violent to control her. 

Her life is not her own.  It is his.  

The feeling of losing control sets off a panic button in all of us, which is often seen in the surrendered shoulders of someone in handcuffs, especially shortly after a struggle.  He is defeated. He cannot raise his arms to his face to protect his face, to cover his shame, or to even cover his tears.  He is utterly without control of his arms (which is why some then use their feet to fight). 

For the victim of Domestic Violence, her life is so out of control, that when she enters the bathroom and locks that door even for a few minutes, she feels control.  It is a significant part of her day, therefore, it enters her language.  

Even just the raising of awareness in the month of October helps.  

Susan is no longer with us.  

Some may feel that this is something that does not need to be said, but I think otherwise.  I feel her presence, through her words and work, and must remind myself that while I am at my desk, feeling overwhelmed with too much work, the phone is not going to ring and I am not going to be ripped into by her for not calling her back immediately. 

God, how I miss that. 

What Susan stood for, and did so in a loud, boisterous way, was planning.  Detailed planning goes far beyond holding a woman's hand and saying, "it will be alright."

No, it is not going to be alright unless we make it so.  The moment that she eludes the control of the abuser, the clock ticks.  The next 24 to 48 hours is when the domestic homicide is at its peak.  

"See ya, Babe!" wrote one man who killed his girlfriend, in an email to her, after her death, thinking that it would be helpful as an alibi. 

Nope.  

In fact, as he recalled their "fun" day together, the phrase, "See ya', Babe!" pinpointed her time of death.  I told the reporter that it would match the coroner's report and it was highly likely that these are the last words the victim heard before he pulled the trigger.  

We raise awareness and, true enough, it is lessening the fake "shame" some women feel, especially those who, as expected, walked in denial, attempted to "win" him back, blamed that "b****" of an ex wife, and made 101 excuses for him. 

Yet, overcoming the instinct to nurture, heal and love, she can, and must, get free.

Careful planning is the key. 

Awareness is helping, but advocacy must not stop with the Restraining Order.  

It continues with careful planning, confidentiality, financial support, and, when necessary, protection in the dangerous days and weeks after. 

Susan gave up on no one.  No victim's denial could wear her down.

She, being dead, speaks to us today, as we seek to continue to carry the torch. 

No need to search for heroes in our world, nor among the departed.  They are living among us, infirmities and failures abounding, yet overcoming, and helping others regain the dignity they were born with.  

Peter Hyatt is an expert and trainer in Statement Analysis. For detailed information about this science, where his interactive audience weighs in on real cases, and Peter's training posts, visit his site: Statement Analysis

Domestic Violence Awareness Month 2014

We enter into another October, another National Domestic Violence Awareness Month with hope and wonder about when it will all end.

Since the inception of this blog, devoted to SOS=Searching Out Solutions for victims of violence, we've seen news reports about new victims on a daily basis, some battered, some missing, and some murdered.

As long as there are those wounded by family violence, we have a long way to go to decrease the risk of harm and lethality.

The creation of this blog in 2009 was inspired by the title of the book, Time's Up! by the late Susan Murphy-Milano, but not only is it a forum for the complicated aspects of intimate partner violence, but all victims of violence.

Over the years we've been privileged to have hundreds and hundreds of informative posts from writers on a variety of topics, but with one thing in common, a desire to see positive changes in the way we deal with violence.

Realizing that change comes slowly, advocates across the country are not backing down from seeing those changes take place. Perhaps we can be of service by greasing the wheels, voting, or aligning ourselves with those in positions of power who can make it happen, sooner and not later.

 Domestic Violence Awareness Month 2014 

• Let's continue to unite our efforts to stop the bleeding. 
• Let's continue to speak out through this blog, continue to write about truthful controversy, help to pull in a wider audience who needs to learn, or those who have their own wisdom to impart.
• Let's push to engage more conversations about a subject that's often heated, one which has historically been divided on many lines. 
• Let's cross those lines, again and again, until there are no more victims who have to live in fear for themselves and their children.
• Let's unite as individuals and organizations moving towards a brighter future so that our children and grandchildren can make better informed choices and can learn to recognize what a healthy relationship looks like.
• Let's get serious about looking at more innovative measures to keep victims safe as they choose to leave abusive relationships, and thoroughly give credence to changes within our justice system to allow for better litigation of high risk cases. Simple tools can save BILLIONS and "check the box" safety planning is just not working!
• Let's put our children and their futures first when asking the courts for rulings based on fact, not innuendo.

We've invited several writers, some you will be familiar with if you've been following this blog, others new to the site. We hope that you will become a loyal reader, help share the posts, and encourage friendly dialogue throughout October and beyond!

Domestic Violence Awareness MUST be more than one month per year, after all, it occurs every day.

The NFL Just Doesn’t Get It

Baltimore Ravens Ray Rice
photo/Wikipedia

by Diane Dimond

The statistics are easy to find. One in every 3 women in the United States will experience domestic violence in their lifetime.

It is the leading cause of injury to women – more than car accidents, muggings and rapes combined. Every single day in America women are murdered by their “loving” husbands or boyfriends. And, studies report that up to 10 million children are eye-witnesses to the brutality every year.

Anyone with half a brain knows domestic violence is a big, under-reported problem in the United States. So, why didn’t it dawn on executives at the NFL or the Baltimore Ravens that running back Ray Rice could be a domestic abuser?

When they watched the first video of Rice, 27, and his then-girlfriend, Janay Parker, going into an empty casino elevator and seconds later emerging on a lower floor with Rice manhandling Janay’s limp body what did they think might have happened?

Did Ray Rice’s bosses think a tipsy Janay simply tripped and fell as the elevator descended? If they did, that’s just nonsense.

Rice was clearly seen dragging his unconscious fiancée off the elevator, dropping her face first to the floor, giving her legs a kick as he tried to get them past the elevator threshold and might have, as some reports indicated, actually spit on her. By the way, this occurred last Valentine’s Day weekend and the initial police report specifically stated that Rice had assaulted his sweetheart with his hand, “rendering her unconscious.”

So, after seeing the disgusting display and reading the police report the league tells the five-year, $35 million player that he’s suspended from playing in the first two regular season games. Big deal. Rice was also fined $500,000 as if money could erase the deed.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell
photo/Wikipedia

It took NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell about a month to hear the howls of protest from victim advocates. Going forward, he then announced, all first time domestic abuse violations would be met with a six-game suspension. He didn’t mention what would happen if one of his prized athletes went to jail for the offense.

The NFL has an official intervention policy for athletes who take illegal drugs but up until now no official response to team members who beat the crap out of a girlfriend. Something is off-kilter there.

Domestic abuse exists because we let it. We, collectively, fail to adequately shame and punish the perpetrator. Too many people focus on why the victim didn’t pack up and leave after the first attack instead of asking the common-sense question: What is wrong with him!? (For the record: domestic abuse can also happen to males but it occurs at a vastly less frequent rate.)

As we all know it took a second, much more graphic videotape to surface -- one from inside the elevator which captured the moment Janay, 26, was dealt a left hook so vicious that it knocked her unconscious – before Goodell announced Rice would be “suspended indefinitely.” Only then did the Ravens terminate Rice’s contract.

Apparently Goodell, the father of twin daughters, couldn’t imagine there had been a domestic assault. He had to actually see the 5’ 8”, 206 pound Rice decking his soon-to-be bride and treating her like a gym bag full of dirty clothes before taking definitive action.

As I write this, the NFL’s credibility has taken another blow as opposing versions have surfaced about when league officials first saw the knock-out video. The Associated Press reports the football big-wigs received a copy back in April. Goodell denies that and said he first saw it when the TMZ website posted it as an exclusive on September 8th.

That’s beside the point, in my opinion. No one should have needed to see the pathetic sight of Janay Palmer-Rice being brutalized and struggling for consciousness before condemning the man who put her in that position.

Having said all that, let’s remember it wasn’t the NFL or Goodell or the Ravens that slammed a fist into the face of a young woman. It was Ray Rice. And, it is his new wife who refuses to see herself as a victim.

It’s a dynamic that plays out every day in countless intimate relationships. Someone gets horribly hurt but still clings to the abuser. Healing that kind of tortured psychological mindset is what we should focus upon because many times someone gets killed.

Diane Dimond

To find out more about Diane Dimond visit her website at www.DianeDimond.com . To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2014 CREATORS.COM

Voice Actress Amy Robinson Creates Domestic Violence PSAs

Many organizations, advocates and citizens across the country are promoting national Domestic Violence Awareness Month in October raising awareness and educating the public about the nuances of violence in the home using traditional gatherings, events and speeches.

One woman who thinks outside the box has taken awareness a step further by creating FREE public service announcements to be used by any radio host, podcaster, or any means of broadcasting.

Amy Robinson has a stake in Domestic Violence Awareness Month, losing her sister to murder in 2011. She created the blog, Justice for Nique, in memory of her murdered sister as a way of releasing her own emotions and being a resource for others.

Dominique “Niqué” Chatham Leili was murdered in July, 2011. Her husband, Matthew, is the only suspect. Her body was found concealed in the woods near the entrance to her subdivision in Lawrenceville, GA. Her husband has fled the state, and taken their two young daughters, Amanda and Rebecca, with him. This blog is to fight for Niqué’s memory – to provide a voice – to tell the truth so that one day her daughters have a record of who their mother really was and how much she sacrificed for them.

Amy had an idea to create the PSAs and put the idea out to her group and was surprised at the number of volunteers who stepped up to make her dream a reality.

These are PSAs for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. If you are in broadcasting, podcasting, or radio of any sort, please feel free and encouraged to download and distribute these freely. 

1. He Says I Am…
2. Kids Of Abuse
3. Psychological Abuse
4. Violent Relationships
5. When Friends See Violence

The following amazing and talented voice actresses (and a couple of their children!) contributed to this amazing project.

• Cassie Boyd Baker
• Heather Costa
• Rebecca Davis
•  Glad Faith
• Anne Ganguzza
• Jennifer Knight
• Jodi Krangle
• Katie Leigh
• Diane Merritt
• Talmadge Ragan
• Catherine Smith

About Amy Robinson

Amy Robinson

“The girl next door with the smile you can hear.”

With a character for every occasion, and a voice that’s easy on the ears, Amy (Elk) Robinson can bring your characters right off the page.

An actress from a young age, Amy’s first taste for acting was in a school production of “The Giving Tree” where she played the tree at the tender age of 6. She’s come a long way since then, studying Voice Over acting with heavy hitters like Bob Bergen, Rob Paulsen, Della Cole, and Paul Armbruster.

Amy is always looking to stretch her acting muscles, and take on a new challenge. She recently recorded the upcoming audiobook for Susan Murphy-Milano‘s Autobiography “Holding My Hand Through Hell” where she tells the harrowing tale of growing up in an abusive household.

She has also performed in several video games for European gaming company “Artifex Mundi” and is the official voice of NCR Advanced Store’s training presentations.

Amy is currently studying Improvisation at Dad’s Garage Theatre in Atlanta.

Offering a wide range of inflections and accents, female voiceover talent Amy Robinson can bring a variety of characters right off the page. Amy’s voice is fun, friendly, and very versatile.

Visit Amy’s Website: AmyRobinsonVO.Com

Voice Actress Amy Robinson Creates Domestic Violence PSAs