Domestic Violence Does Not End with October

By Jillian Maas Backman

Our conscience is not the vessel of eternal verities. It grows with our social life, and a new social condition means a radical change in conscience. -Walter Lippmann, journalist (1889-1974) 

The time has come to say goodbye to the yearly blog posts designated to highlight Domestic Violence Awareness for the month of October. My fellow authors did an exceptional job describing the highs and lows of this formidable social opponent. As heart- wrenching and warming as the posts were, I’m afraid it’s going to take a lot more than underscoring this public epidemic once a year to influence long-term change.

As famous journalist Walter Lippmann stated long ago, not everyone’s conscience is filled with virtuous truths or principles. For some, their scruples resonates with less than impeccable verities and act accordingly towards mankind/womankind.

So how does revisiting this open-ended dialog every year at this time help solve or combat this societal issue? For the very reason Lippmann pointed out way back in the day. This is the only way to keep moving forward and grow in our social life, set new social conditions and patterns to achieve radical transformation.

I realize we would all like to snap our fingers and make this social deviance magically disappear, but that’s not how “radical change in conscience” truly occurs. It’s slow and steady -- like the turtle and the hare. One small step at a time. If we keep pushing the issue to the top of our concern list, this will eventually lead to the conscious shift we so desperately seek.

Domestic Violence Achievements

The victories may seem minuscule in scale to other social problems we have right now, but I assure you, if we don’t keep this conversation going past this month, we are going to have bigger challenges down the road. Relationships are the brick and mortar that keeps our social structure together in one cohesive, conscious group. Every time another case of violence is afflicted upon another, it blows a tiny pinhole into this edifice. Eventually, if we accumulate enough pinholes, the entire consciousness will collapse upon itself. And this, my friends, is the biggest threat we have at the moment.

The part Mr. Lippmann didn’t get to experience in his lifetime are the achievements we’ve made towards a new awareness when it comes to this issue. Yes, our walls may be filled with tiny pinholes from aggression towards another, but we are making significant advancements towards plugging up those nasty holes with a new type of mortar.

Thriving survivors and their supporters are reforming social conditions using words and legislation to fill these pinpricks with a new kind of eternal verities. A vessel containing social plaster, mixed with the right amount of integrity, inspiration and hopeful principles that are leading us down the enlightened change Lippmann envisioned.

Change for Peace

As we close this month out, I want all of us to commit ourselves to staying on task to honor those who have lost their lives bringing forth this change, and stay diligent in assisting those who need help in finding their way through dark times far beyond this month of October 2014. My hope for us all is when we convene again next October our posts will contain less stories about tragedies and more about: Peace dear ones, peace!

The kind of peace one finds in hearts, minds, and best of all, relationships we treasure the most.

Please keep life SACRED!

Jillian Maas Backman is a professional speaker, award winning author and radio host. She is an innovator in the realm of creating personal paradigm shifts integrating established methods to augment communal objectives through leadership training and private consultations.

Website: JillianMaasBackman.Com

"Attitude Adjustment"

By Susan Murphy-Milano

"How many times do we have to mourn young women and young men. We never expect to be the one on the poster. I have lost friends and been what I thought at the time in Cassies position. We can mourn her but we really must remember there are still women and men out their in her place. We don't want to be there we want out. But who will be patient and wait and encourage us to be strong enough to leave. Leaving is a process that is harder than staying. I didn't know Cassie and my heart goes out to her family and friends. As much as we want to know if there was something that could have been done, remember that the only thing we can do is to help someone else. It is not fair that we give these abusers power. It is time to take back the power and think of our safety before we think of what could happen to the person who abuses the victim. May God Bless Cassie's friends and family with the courage to make a difference and not let her death be another win for domestic abusers."

The comment above was left yesterday on my blog. Cassie Leigh Cotta, 24 Fort Smith, Arkansas was last seen on December 30, 2011. Her mother Pearl knew something was terribly wrong, especially when her daughter failed to show up at her job tending bar New Year's Eve. In addition, the media was all but ignoring the plea's of Cassie's mom until she literally went down to the stations and pleaded with the media to get the word out her daughter was missing. Likely ignored because Cassie did not fit the "pretty white clean cut cookie cutter image," for a news story.

In my opinion, it was all the more reason to have national coverage on this case. Cassie Leigh Cotta represented reality for others just like her in violent relationships. She believed her husband would change. Cassie loved him and thought she could handle the verbal and physical assaults. She never for a moment felt as if he would actually kill her. Yes, her husband was controlling and jealous but again Cassie was tough! But not strong enough when it came to her feelings for her husband. The couple would go back and forth, breaking-up to making-up, even with a court order of protection in place. Her relationship was toxic as hell. And without proper support and counseling to move forward, she was marked for death. Her husband could charm a snake out of spitting deadly venom. Like the majority of offenders he knew how to play the game. So much so that prior to him confessing to Cassie's murder on Tuesday, he was on searches, talking with media and consoling his mother-in-law.

The photo at the top is one of the few I could locate that does not show Cassie's tattoo's. It is also a picture that captures her beauty. As an observation, after the fact, if the family had used that photo perhaps the media would have done more to spread the word she was missing.

Instead, photo's of who Cassie Leigh was were used in the media and on her missing person poster. This is one flaw that must be corrected when it involves those who suddenly vanish. Especially in cases of Intimate Partner Homicide. When we try to sugar coat and put "pretty pictures" of those affected by crimes we play into the myth that violence only happens to "certain people." Or that a lifestyle choice dictates in the early hours of a reported missing person case who receives attention both from law enforcement and the media.

Cassie Leigh Cotta, tough as nails on the outside- warm sweet and wonderful on the inside. She used an art form to communicate her life; tattoos and body piercing. A victim of Intimate partner violence who would lose her life to a man hell bent on controlling her because she was finally working on ending the relationship.

The attitude adjustment in the general public is all of our responsibility. Abuse and staking is an epidemic with and without tattoos! Think this can't happen to you, or someone you hang with in the neighborhood?

I am sure if Cassie could speak to you she's say something like "Hey beyotch, pack your shit and crash someplace till you can figure out what to do. It ain't cool hear what I'm telling you-get the f.ing out ."

www.documenttheabuse.com

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as a educator and specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases.
A national trainer to law enforcement, training officers, prosecutors, judges, legislators, social service providers, healthcare professionals, victim advocates and the faith based community and author.. In partnership with Management Resources Ltd. of New York addressing prevention and solutions within the community to the workplace. Host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show,"Time'sUp!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host onCrime Wire. Online contributions: Forbes : Crime, She Writesproviding commentary about the hottest topics on crime, justice, and law from a woman’s perspective, as well as Time's Up! a blog which searches for solutions (SOS) for victims of crime