Survivors of Crime Are Victims, Too

By Tad DiBiase

When I first began prosecuting homicides many years ago, I was never comfortable with the victim’s families.  I never knew what to say or how to act.  While many prosecutors rightly consider themselves advocates for the victims, victims aren’t “clients” and prosecutors don’t technically represent the victims.

 Sometimes I would handle cases where the homicide victim had no family who cared enough to ever come to court or follow the proceedings in any fashion. I admit that sometimes those cases were easier to deal with because there was no victim and no victim’s family.  (As an aside, I used to tell everyone that as a federal prosecutor for the United States I represented 380 million people which in reality meant I didn’t represent any of them!  I did enjoy coming home and telling my family that the “United States” was hungry or that the “United States” wanted a beer.) 

My discomfort with dealing with victims caused me to rely on the talented victim advocates in our office.  One advocate in particular, Marcy Rinker, became my “go to” advocate in all cases.  Marcy, who became a good friend of mine, was compassionate, listened well and had a can do spirit that always seemed to give the victim’s family the reassurance that we would win the case and that it was in good hands.  She was also an extremely skilled investigator in her own right to the extent that I dubbed her Detective Rinker.   I managed to ensure that Marcy became the advocate in all of my cases even when the system tried to thwart me.  The U.S. Attorney’s Office had a system where victim advocates rotated each day so that when a new case came in, the advocate on duty that day would handle the case.  By cleverly holding off on declaring when a new case came in, I was able to “bring in” a new case only on the days when Marcy was on duty. 

Over the years as I watched Marcy, I learned more about how to deal with the victim’s families: listen, offer support and advice if asked, and don’t overpromise.  As the years went on I became more comfortable dealing with the families myself and realized there are no magic words that can lessen their pain.  Ironically, in my role today as a consultant to the police, prosecutors and families, I almost never meet my families face to face.  I still feel their pain through their emails and telephone calls.  But I also feel their relief when their loved ones body is found and the suspect arrested.  Relief tinged with sorrow though at the realization that their loved on is never coming back.  Being a victim or the loved one of a victim is a horrible state to be in and we all need to learn better how to deal with victims and their families.  

Who Really Cares About Missing Persons?

Everyone reads the headlines when a body is recovered or remains are found.  Like rubber necks at an accident scene, we want to know what happened and why in all the grisly details.  The media covers the scene, hovering around like bees to honey trying to get the inside scoop and be the first to report along with pictures and video.   A body is brought forth, identified and justice is served.  As if reality was that simple!

When it comes to missing persons, in most cases, headlines aren't screaming, the public gives a cursory look and then goes on to then next page.  The news is covered with the young, blond white girls from good families and the talk shows are brimming with family members eager to be a part of something that may give their loved one the exposure needed to remind us not to forget.  It looks like these missing persons are getting much deserved coverage, but what is reported is only the tip of the iceberg.

The general public has no clue of the scope of this global epidemic.  According to figures from the FBI, there are almost a million missing persons reported each year.  That number is growing year by year.  How does this happen?  How can that many people be unaccounted for?  Yes, many are teen runaways, many are just looking to start a new life, but many more are never found until it's too late.  Human trafficking and sex slavery is now coming into the forefront of the news as more and more young people and children are vanishing without a trace.

What's Going On In Chicago?

Recently the case of 12 year old Chicago girl, Jahmeshia Connor, who was found dead in an alley after being missing almost two weeks, has sparked a flame under Chicago media.  After facts of the case were brought to light by online writers, it seems the media is reporting one missing person after another from the Chicago area.  Is it a coincidence?  If it had not been for the watchful eyes of Susan Murphy Milano, and organizations like Peas in Their Pods, LostNMissing, Inc., Peace4 the Missing, Please Help Missing Children and others, Jahmeshia Connor and those that have followed may have been relegated to nothing but a report filed by the family.

Who has been searching for these girls?  Some of them have been missing quite some time, longer than would be expected, and some families did not file missing persons reports immediately, some probably following the advice of a police officer that told them to wait and see.  THERE IS NO WAIT AND SEE WHEN A PERSON IS MISSING!  The public's misconception is there is a mandatory waiting period, that is false.  All police departments are to take a missing persons report on the spot, with the facts stated by those who know the person and the circumstances of their disappearance best.  Time is always of the essence.

Myths and Legends

There is also a definite misconception in the way most parents view the nation wide Amber Alert.  Most think that if their child is missing all they do is dial 911 and it's issued.  That's another myth.  There are strict guidelines that must be followed and criteria that must be met before an Amber Alert is issued.  Many children do not qualify.  Many missing children fall through the cracks of the system and families are disappointed, rightly so.  This gap in the system has forced organizations like Peas In Their Pods to generate the "Rilya Alert" when a child is missing.  Regardless of age, sex, ethnicity, or circumstances, as long as a police report has been filed, a Rilya Alert will go out, indicating to a growing network to get the word out and find this child!

Cases of missing adults present an even more complicated set of predicaments.  The circumstances of an adult going missing varies more than child abductions or teen runaways.  An adult has the right to leave a family and start a new life, as unfair as this sounds, there is nothing a spouse or children can do about it according to the laws of the day.  This makes filing a report and expecting an investigation by authorities redundant.  In most cases a family member has to take on the task of investigating and tracking down their missing adult.

Yes, They Care


So who really cares about missing persons?  Fortunately for family members there are organizations like CUE Center for Missing Persons, Project Jason, 411 Gina, Track Missing, Texas Equusearch and others who devote time and resources to step in and search.  Searching for a missing person is only one facet of the tasks these organizations perform.  They work closely with the law enforcement agents in charge, they organize posters and awareness campaigns, they comfort and support the families, often at their own expense.  They train search and recovery teams, both human and animals, to perform the job of bringing a loved one back to the family that cares for them.

Even if we don't have a missing loved one, how long does it take to stop, take a harder look at a poster hanging in a store or on a telephone pole?  Everyone can do a small part in aiding these families by paying attention, look at a situation that isn't right, and do something to correct it.

Laws are being presented to Congress that will insure that missing persons cases will be handled in a more uniform manner.  By supporting the passage of The Help Find The Missing Act (HR3695 Billy's Law) we are showing our support for the families of missing loved ones.  We are also giving a name to the thousands of unidentified remains that are housed all over the country and reconnecting them with their families.

When a person goes missing there are so many victims.  A whole family, a whole community and a whole country are subjected to the fears, anxieties, and worries about a person who is gone.  Who really cares about a missing person?  Mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends, and many, many strangers who step up daily to help and support.

CUE Center's website says it best:  "Every missing person is somebody's child."

Maliciously Creating Havoc

By Cynthia Caron

Internet trolls, cyber bullies, flamers.  We have all heard of them and most of us have experienced the havoc they create online in forums and blogs.  What makes them tick? How does one protect themselves from internet trolls? They all crave attention, so to be rid of a troll one has to simply ignore them.

 Hard as it may, that is the only way to beat a troll.  Many forums have features in which you can block them from following you.  Trolls are very manipulative and crafty.  Most possess a low self esteem and find extreme satisfaction in creating disruptions to civilized groups of folks.  They strive to destroy what others are enjoying.   Many times they will start off as a "regular" poster and befriend all they can.  They will soon begin to start talking behind backs of other members and then move forward with false accusations of one member against another.  

Ironically, those that are the most common trolls are adults.  After creating negative atmospheres, they will sit back and enjoy the ruckus that they've created.  It's very common to note that trolls will also create multiple screen names and correspond with themselves as the "good person" vs. "the bad troll."  This is done to manipulate others to befriend the "good person" who is calling out the troll's behavior and in turn enables the troll to have someone to argue with when others have begun to ignore him or her.  This is in nearly all forums and invariably someone innocent will befriend the "good person" and then they will become the target of the "bad troll."  It's their method to spin a web and drag good people into their web of deceit and destruction.  Many forums have completely shut down due to numerous members who feel threatened by troll behaviors and leave the forum. 

The absolute best way to avoid this situation is to truly ignore the trolls.  Do not call out their bad behavior.  Stay away from private message conversations in which one wants to discuss other member's personalities.  Should you become the target of a troll completely ignore them and do not respond to their postings.  

Many will research the internet to find out as much personal information about you as possible, such as how many children you have or even your home address, and will use that in a post to drag you into responding hoping to entice an argument.  I've seen trolls who have impersonated other forum members by creating names in other forums to damage the reputation of the original person that they targeted.  If you encounter a troll, put them on ignore, do not respond and report them to forum moderators.  

Many forums have ways to boot those that cause disruptions, unfortunately, many may find their way to trolling back to a forum. They are certainly unwelcomed, yet an unavoidable aspect which occurs online.  Surprisingly, it's also not always considered a criminal act. They will hide behind the 1st Amendment which prevents law enforcement from being able to take action, unless a minor child is the target or a person has been threatened with actual bodily harm. 

However,  what do you do when one reaches beyond the computer and creates malicious havoc in your personal life? You can't simply ignore them when they invade your home telephone or postal mailbox.  Those who have been the targets of such malevolent evil behaviors are usually families that are already stressed by grief or of a traumatic experience and the most cruel of people will actually target those who are in vulnerable states of mind.

From those who have lost children in car accidents to parents and loved ones of those killed at war are targets of devious people who, like trolls, obtain satisfaction and delight in just knowing they've done an awful act to another, even when they are not present to see the damage they've created to another person's spirit.  They are actually cowards, many have very few people in their lives and obviously have no constructive outlets.  Many get away with it as they are difficult to identify. It's very sad, but true. Those that do these venomous acts merely do it for the thrill of causing disruption and sadness to other human beings.  Somewhere in their lives they skipped the "do unto others" lesson.

One of the very first conversations I have with a family member of a missing loved one is to tell them to absolutely, positively do not put their personal phone number, email address or cell phone as a point of contact on a missing person's poster.  While those who are seeking missing loved ones want to be able to be accessible, with every means possible, it will cause unnecessary stress as nearly every case I've handled in which a private contact was posted the family would invariably receive awful calls.  People will phone and say their loved one is deceased, or will tell the family their loved one is fine and with them and that they left purposely because "you treated them rotten." These are very mild examples compared to what I've heard families have experienced.

Recently, the Phoneix Police Department's Silent Witness program has offered a $1,000 reward for information that leads to the identification of a person who is mailing letters to homes in Arizona of young girls. Some as young as 8 years old. The alarming letters address the children by name and includes sexual connotations and vulgarity. Due to the nature of the letters, and the ages of the children addressed, criminal charges will be filed. First, however, he or she must be identified.  Thus far detectives have not been able to identify  the writer through collected DNA with registered sex offenders, unidentified sex offenders or inmates.  The investigation is ongoing and anyone with information may contact Phoenix police at 602-262-7626 or Silent Witness at 480-WITNESS.

Should you become a victim of a malicious anonymous person, there are actions that you can take depending on the severity of their acts. 

·         The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children has an excellent program to report victims of child sexual exploitation. Simply go to http://www.missingkids.com  MySpace works very closely with NCMEC and they now have a special link to automatically report a site to the NCMEC if the user is exploiting children or is suspicious in nature as a site to entice children into pornography. 

·         Most police stations, even in small towns, now have Cyber Units that you can file reports if you've been threatened, stalked or harassed in a serious nature.  They will not accept cases of vulgar language or insinuating threats because they would be overwhelmed.  However, any bodily threat, stalking or continued harassment should be reported.

·         The Internet Crime Complaint Center was established between the FBI and the National White Collar Crime Center.  Their link is: http://www.ic3.gov  *Since its inception, the IC3 has received complaints crossing the spectrum of cyber crime matters, to include online fraud in its many forms including Intellectual Property Rights (IPR) matters, Computer Intrusions (hacking), Economic Espionage (Theft of Trade Secrets), Online Extortion, International Money Laundering, Identity Theft, and a growing list of Internet facilitated crimes. (*taken from the ic3.gov site)

·         An excellent site to learn more about Internet Trolls is located at the following link: http://www.flayme.com/troll/

·         Lastly, keep copies of any threats, stalking or negative emails that you may be receiving.  Document by screen saving public postings that are threatening.  Depress your CTRL key + Print Screen key, simultaneously, to copy screen.  Open word doc file, or email body and depress the CTRL+ V key simultaneously to paste.  Email to yourself and save it in a folder, or save the document file to your computer.

CHRISTMAS TIME = LOTS 'O CRIME

By Michelle Simonsen, true crime writer and victim's rights advocate

Tis the season to be jolly? Not everyone.

Crime rates soar during the winter months, specifically the holiday season. Each year criminals get more ingenious and with the current recession and high unemployment rates, people have become more desperate than usual.

Some of these safety tips are no brainers, but with the hustle and bustle and craziness of the holidays, you’d be surprised how many people become preoccupied and throw caution to the wind.

Criminals and con artists aren’t going away, but you don’t have to be a victim:

• Avoid carrying cash when shopping. Use a credit or debit card instead. There are people who have mastered the art of pick pocketing. Once your cash is stolen, it’s gone for good. At least with a credit or debit card, you have recourse. If you must carry cash, do not store it in your purse or back pocket. Keep it in your front pocket.

• When shopping, never leave your purse open or unattended, even for one second. It takes less than a second to be robbed.

• Always know where your nearest exit is. Remember the 2007 mall shooting in Omaha that left nine dead? The odds of this occurring are rare, but wouldn’t you rather be safer than sorry?

• Never use your remote keyless entry to locate your car. A perpetrator’s playground is a parking lot. You don’t want them knowing where your car is, or which direction you are headed.

• Keep everything in your car out of sight. Remove your Ipod, cell phone, CDs, etc., from plain view. Always put your purchases and any other valuables in your trunk.

• Once you are in your vehicle, immediately lock your doors. Do not linger around talking on your phone, text messaging, or rummaging through your purse and belongings. Your distraction becomes their moment of opportunity.

• Use only well lit parking lots and if possible, refrain from using parking garages.

• Avoid wearing showy jewelry or any other similar items of value.

• Shop with a friend. A criminal is less likely to target you if you are not alone. There is truth to the old saying, "safety in numbers".

• BOTTOM LINE: PAY ATTENTION! We are all multi-tasking and distracted this time of year. It's easy to get caught up and forget to listen and watch what is going on around us. Defense is the best offense to crime.

BE SAFE AND ENJOY YOURSELF!

Michelle Simonsen is a victim's rights advocate, crime analyst and blogger for "Michelle Says So", founder of the grassroots consumer boycott, "Boycott Aruba--Justice for Natalee Holloway", an advisory board member of "Survivors in Action", and is a contributing writer for "Now Public", and "True Crime Talk".

Chronic Personality Problems in Problem Relationships

By Sandra L. Brown

In our first segment, I discussed that all abusers are not created equal. That means not all abusers treatment is going to be effective. Ultimately, not all problem relationships have a solution. That's not popular to hear--but it is realistic. If people who are in problem relationships want to avoid future problem relationships, they have to understand what contributes to permanent disorders and the signs within the behavior.

There is no doubt that chronic personality problems wreak havoc in relationships. If we looked a little closer at what we call 'domestic violence, abusive, chronic, or dyfunctional' relationships, we would notice that the worst of these have commonalities. (No abuse is mild. I'm not suggesting that. What I am trying to hone on is the chronicity and lethality of some of the relationships that are not treatable).

When looking at the behaviors associated with problem partners with permanent problems, we have to do two things. Look broadly at the symptoms, but not so broadly that we find loopholes. Normally, one symptom off a behavioral list does not constitute one of the now referred to as 'severe personality disorders' or the no conscienced disorders of sociopathy or psychopathy. However, they don't need to have all of these traits in order to be destructive or even diagnosed with the disorder. Those in relationships with problem partners often fail on the side of 'too much empathy' and give them more credit for not having these symptoms than what is warranted. Somewhere in the middle of one trait-too-many is a snap shot of problem partners. Here are some of the behaviors associated with severe personality disorders and socio/psychopathy. 

To make this the emotional reality check it should be, check off any traits you are WILLING to have in an intimtate relationship or father-material for your child:

___Disregard for, and the violation of, the rights of others

___Failure to conform to lawful social norms

___Deceitfulness Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead

___Irritability and aggressiveness as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults

___Reckless disregard for the safety of self or others

___Consistent irresponsibility as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial

        obligations   

(Above are related to Antisocial Personality Disorder)

___ Lack of remorse as indicated by being indifferent about having hurt, mistreated or stolen from another

___ Glib and superficial charm

___ Grandiose (exaggeratedly high) estimation of self

___ Need for stimulation

___ Pathological lying

___ Cunning and manipulativeness

___ Lack of remorse or guilt

___ Shallow affect (superficial emotional responsiveness)

___ Callousness and lack of empathy

___ Parasitic lifestyle

___ Poor behavioral controls

___ Sexual promiscuity

___ Early behavior problems

___ Lack of realistic long-term goals

___ Impulsivity irresponsibility

___ Failure to accept responsibility for own actions

___ Many short-term relationships

___ Juvenile delinquency

___ Revocation of conditional release

___ Criminal versatility

(Above are related to Sociopaths/Psychopaths)

___ Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

___ Intense and unstable personal relationships that over idealize and devalue

___ Identity disturbance with unstable self image or sense of self impulsivity in at least two areas

        (spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

___ Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-mutilation

___ Emotional instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (intense episodic irritability or anxiety)

___ Chronic feelings of emptiness

___ Inappropriate intense anger or difficulty controlling anger

(Above are related to Borderline Personality Disorder)

___ A grandiose sense of self importance

___ Exaggerates their achievements and talents

___ Expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements

___ Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

___ Believes that he is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should only associate with,

        other special or other high-status people or institutions.

___ Requires excessive admiration

___ Has a sense of entitlement, unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or

        automatic compliance with his expectations

___ Is interpersonally exploitative within relationships and takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends

___ Lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

___ Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him

___ Shows an arrogant, haughty behavior or attitude

(Above are related to Narcissistic Personality Disorder)

Did you see any 'must haves' for your 'how-to-have-a-happy-life' relationship checklist? I didn't think so.

Thats because this list is not mild relational infractions or merely Dr.Phil 'deal breakers'. These are permanent pathology that can emotional mangle or even kill you or your children. These lists are profiles are those who go on to do the most damage, the chronic repeated abuse, the child abductions, stalking, rape, and killing. These are the abusers who are not created equal, who have permanent brain and personality disorders that bypass what psychology can do for them. Anger management--nope. Batterer intervention--nope. Intensive psychotherapy--nope. Pathology is noted for it's Three Inabilities (Brown, 2005):

* Inability to grow to any authentic emotional or spiritual depth

* Inability to sustain positive change

* Inability to develop insight how their behavior negatively effects others

These inabilities are the hallmark of permanent and chronic disorders that create chronic problem relationships. 

Bring your check list above next time when I talk about how these charactersitics effect the relationship dynamics! 

(For more information on Problem Partners contact us at www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com)

Gender Issue of Abuse

By Tanya Warrington

It saddens me when people hate a gender because of the painful abuse they have endured in the past. Abuse is horrible, but it is not limited to only one of the two genders. Men have abused women, men, girls and boys. Women have abused all the same groups.

Women and men, let’s face our real enemy square on.

Sin drives abuse. Greed, lust, and desire for more power motivate abusers.

When I write about abuse I sometimes write about the victim as she and the abuser as he, because it is less cumbersome writing and because more women than men report being victims of abuse. I never want grammar, however, to confuse anyone about the nature of abuse. Consistently, sociologists report abuse demographics cross all boundaries of gender, age, nationality, economic status, sexual orientation, or religion.

Some researchers focus on the role patriarchal society has played in giving birth to the victimization of women.

I suppose anything that creates a power imbalance does increase the incidence of abuse. It makes sense. But patriarchal considerations only explain one type of abuse. We would need to explore all the other imbalances of power to have a complete picture of abuse. What about the power adults have over children, the power teens have over elementary aged children, the power caregivers have over their charges, or the power adult offspring have over elderly parents with health or mental issues? I suspect abuse occurs most frequently in situations in which one person naturally has greater power than the other. But it doesn’t explain all abuse.

What about a young child who abuses a peer? What about a teenager who date-rapes another teen? What about a younger child who abuses an older sibling? What about gangs abusing peer-age groups? What about wives abusing their larger husbands? What happens in matriarchal societies? Is there less abuse or more abuse in which women are the abusers? As long as we have sinful human beings interacting with other sinful human beings, abusers will abuse.

When we are hurt, the first question many of us ask is, “Why?” But knowing why, when it can be known, does not heal. Understanding why someone did it, does not fix the injuries. It doesn’t even help us to do the full work of forgiveness, not really. To forgive I must fully acknowledge how much I was hurt and how incapable the other is of fixing the damage they have done—why he or she did it doesn’t really make any difference in whether I can forgive. Understanding Hitler was insane should not short-cut the painful healing process for any concentration survivors.

For healing purposes, why someone abuses is much less important than how we deal with abuse. To heal we focus on acknowledging the effects of abuse and processing our emotions, beliefs, thoughts, and actions. We take responsibility for how we will live the rest of our lives, regardless of whether our abuser is male or female.

Self-Worth; Fight For It, Damn It!

By Anny Jacoby

Why do so many women feel that they are not worthy? How did they lose their self-worth? Is it because of the way the world has portrayed a perfect women "today"? Is it because someone took it from them? Is that the void some fill by over eating? Did their partner breach a trust? Did their partner demean them with insults about how they look? Did their partner admire other women? Did they grow up being ridiculed by a family member? Have they been suffering from a controlling illness? Were they bullied and criticized through their school years? Were they sexually abused as a child? Were they laughed at in a moment of vulnerability? Were they ever raped or abused?

"Self-worth" is a word that is so much easier to say and spell than it is to feel.

All of the above experiences mentioned and so many more play a major part of pouring a woman's self-worth right down the toilet. The people causing these kind of negative actions are totally responsible for destroying and tearing down a woman's worth. To destroy or tear down a woman's self-worth is one of the cruelest ways to treat a human being. It is a no win situation for that woman. She cannot fight back. She is attacked blindfolded. Humiliation has succeeded - the battle is won. Anyone can win against innocence. When the battle turns around is when the true win begins. A true win is when a woman who has lost her self-worth stands up and takes the control back.

You are not responsible for falling or losing the battle. But YOU ARE TOTALLY responsible for getting back up. It is you that has to pull it together. You need to go back as far as you can in your mind that puts a smile on your face, remembering those "warm and fuzzy", happy times. If you can't then think of someone that you know that is hurting more deeply than yourself and use that as your motivation. Allow yourself to go there in your mind. Use these thoughts to give you reason to get up. Your self-worth IS worth fighting for.

Yes, perhaps you have been hurt, disappointed and raped of one of your most sacred emotions, SELF-WORTH. NOW YOU WANT IT BACK, SO TAKE IT BACK! It is right inside of you. You just have to bury the memories and pain under all of your dirty laundry. You can continue to feel empty, use drugs, alcohol or even food to fill that void inside of you. You can miss out on life because you are forgetting to fight and it is so much easier to have a pity party.

You can worry about if you try to gain back your self-worth that you will fail and feel even more lonely. You may fail the first try, second or even the third. You feel that it's all hopeless. If you give into that feeling, then you are truly letting yourself down as well as others that love and care for you. YOU have now become responsible for losing your chance at regaining YOUR self-worth. You are allowing whatever it was that tore you apart in the first place to take control of all of you and your soul. You are allowing a memory to defeat you. There is no person there, just a thought. Why are you doing this? You know that you can stop it. You know how!

The strength of negative thinking is overwhelming and controlling in itself. I have felt it's power many, many times. Honestly, to the point that I could hardly feel myself breath. That was when I knew that I, and only I could stop it and take back the control of MY DESTINY.

For those that have been through a battle and are struggling or may have struggled to just get up on an elbow, feeling empty inside and so alone that you wonder why you even got up today............YOU CAN AND WILL BEAT THIS!

GAINING BACK YOUR SELF-WORTH

You must look inside of yourself and dig for the real you. Don't dig for the you has been scarred, wounded or hurt but the you that can smile, laugh and appreciate all of the good things in life. If you will just open your positive side and allow the great things to reach you the feeling will truly be uplifting. The more positive thoughts that you fill yourself with, the less negative thoughts can't nor won't survive.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off; you must move onto HABITS - positive habits of thinking. You must also be honest with your bad habits, what they are and where they are taking you. Identify them and how they are bringing you down, instead of up. The bad habits you have allowed to run your life. Now, as you have invited them in, you will un-invite them.

You must reconstruct your thought patterns to think WIN, not to lose. Immediately remove the words, "give up" from your vocabulary and replace them with "NEVER GIVE UP!" You must make a new commitment to yourself, the only one that you can reach out and touch!

You will always be stronger than your greatest weaknesses. Those weaknesses will never win again against your strengths..........NEVER!

To strengthen the mental you, you must strengthen the physical you. I am not referring to becoming a body builder or a full bore athlete. I simply mean a healthier you, A YOU THAT YOU WANT TO BE!

You must always remember, whatever it was that brought you down in yourself is in the past. If you continue to allow the pain to live inside of you, you will suffer. The past is over and there is no suffering on your part that will erase it. Get on with life. Reach deep inside of yourself and bring back the who YOU are.

Bring back the person YOU can smile in the mirror at.

Bring back the person YOU talk to all of the time.

Bring back the person that YOU were meant to be.

Bring back YOU, and then.......YOU WILL HAVE YOUR SELF-WORTH BACK - FIGHT FOR IT, DAMN IT!

"You can't conquer what you can't confront."

Take care and STAY SAFE!

"The Elephant in the Room"

By Susan Murphy-Milano

Society provides wellness and support for those whom are survivors of various types of illiness, but what about crime survivors? Everyday, people are impacted by violent crimes such as rape, robbery, felony assault, hate crimes, domestic violence and child abuse. For victims of crimes they require healing that goes deeper than simply bringing the person responsible to justice. Crime survivors often find themselves grappling with difficult questions: How am I suppose to move on with my life? What will happen next? Will I ever feel safe again? Where can I get information? What are my rights? Who will simply listen to me and respect my feelings and decisions? Why is surviving a violent crime always the silent "elephant" in a room?

HOW TO SUPPORT A SURVIVOR OF CRIME

Ask them to talk about what happend to them. Listen and support what they are sharing with you. Do not offer opinions, judgements or advice about what you hear and read about in other cases or the news. Encourage the person to describe what they: Saw . . Heard . . . Thought . . . Smelled . . . Felt . . .

It is important to tell them they are valued and your caring for them has not changed. Tell them how much you appreciate them as a person and in your life.

Simply listen: Listen to his or her emotions as well as the story.

Understand that people communicate in other ways than with their words. Try to understand and take cues from your loved one's expressions and body language. Maybe they are nervous and figiting with their hands embarrassed by the crime. or afraid you will judge them merely because they are disclosing something they feel is embarassing. Take your hands and hold theirs as they speak to you.

Encourage them to set priorities and problem-solve with input from family and close friends.
Allow time to heal. Don’t tell them to "get over it." Remember that every day they may be re-experiencing the event through dreams, memories, emotions or injuries that take time to heal.

No one expects a broken bone to heal over night, but often people expect loved ones to "get over" trauma after a day or two.

Think of healing as a group issue, not an individual one. As a caring person, you are impacted too. Take time for yourself, be gentle with yourself and with others.

Facilitate support from your church, family members and friends.

Laughter as Ward Foley author of "Thank My Lucky Scars" and Why God Did Not Make Me a Woman Because I have Enough Problems" will tell you humor is the best medicine. Use humor (preferably not about the event.) Try to lighten up if you can. And whatever you do if you cannot say something nice then zipper up your lip and keep it to yourself.

Give hugs daily.

After some time has passed, review what has happened. Concentrate on how each person has changed or grown.

Crime Survivors often lack an appetite. And they will not eat, especially if they are isolated or left alone for long periods of time. Make their favorite meal and eat with them.

Surviving a violent crime takes courage and inner strength.

Plan outside activities, even if it is a walk around the block. Fresh air and excercise are very important.

Look on the Internet and research support groups of crime or assualt. Talk to the person about joining a group or ongoing discussion.

Plants and flowers in a home of a crime victim survivor are also very important. Perhaps create a project and plant blubs and flowers in their yard. Create a garden of items that they might enjoy that you could create on a window sill. It does not always have to be in a yard. Consider asking the church for volunteers to help with things from their garden that a person might enjoy.

Crime Victims deal with the aftermath three hundred and sixty-five days a year, seven days a week. Providing friendship and hope for just one day is a day less of painful thought and memory in the mind of a crime victim survivor.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

The Thanksgiving Tradition

By Charles Moncrief

 

What are you thankful for? Frankly, I’m uncomfortable with the tradition in which everyone around the dinner table says “I’m thankful for _____.” Even though I’ve started the process, it’s not one of the things I face with joyful anticipation. So this is not to get the ball rolling when I give you my partial list.

 

I’m thankful for the vision of those who set up this site to benefit victims of crime and violence.

 

I’m thankful for the wonderful articles and essays I’ve read here, with the prospect of greater things ahead as this site continues to get traction in the community.

 

And I’m thankful to be numbered among the list of contributing writers.

 

Out of respect for the adversities you may have faced, I’ll tread softly in my invitation to consider the things for which you’re thankful. All the same, I’ll extend the invitation. I’ll also acknowledge that, while we’ve all had to deal with some harsh realities in our lives, we don’t have to be defined by them. I’ve found this in my own experience, and I’ve seen it affirmed in the writings on this site.

 

It reminds me of the story in Mark 7:32-36. After Jesus healed a man’s hearing and speech impairment, he told everyone not to publish this. The reason may have been in part that the man had been known as “the deaf and dumb guy,” and Jesus didn’t want him to be known as “the former deaf and dumb guy.” He wanted the man to be known by his given name, rather than by his affliction, and he wanted to give him the opportunity to return to his community simply as a man.

 

How often do we think of ourselves in terms of what we’ve been through, or what we’ve done? One aspect of our Kairos prison ministry is that we teach the inmates that they aren’t defined by their crimes. The “thief” learns that he’s a human being who has committed theft. The “murderer” comes to know himself as a human being who has committed murder. It’s a subtle distinction, and it’s hardly a comfort to his victims, but it helps the person come to terms with who he is and what he’s done. He still faces the consequences of his actions. But for those who aren’t serving life sentences, the recidivism rate for this ministry is under ten per cent.

 

If this principle is effective for those who committed crimes, maybe it can be applied to crime victims as well. The “abused wife” is the woman who experienced abuse. The “robbery victim” is the human being who was robbed. I know this sounds unrealistic, and it comes off as an attempt to put on rose-colored glasses. But it’s real, and I challenge you to try it.

 

Getting back to the story in Mark, Jesus spoke one of the few Aramaic words recorded in the Bible. The word is “ephphathah,” translated approximately as “be opened.” I’ll ask you to be open to a new self-image as we go forward through Thanksgiving and the remaining winter holidays. And realistic or not, I’ll be optimistic about the results.

 

Grace and Peace,

Charles+