Why You Only Remember The Good Stuff of a Bad Relationship

By Sandra L. Brown

Over and over again women are puzzled by their own process in trying to recover from a pathological relationship. What is puzzling is that despite the treatment they received by him, despite the absolute mind-screwing he did to her emotions, not only is the attraction still VERY INTENSE but also the POSITIVE memories still remain strong.

Women say the same thing--that when it comes to remaining strong in not contacting him (what we call 'Starving the Vampire') she struggles to pull up (and maintain the pulled up) negative memories of him and his behavior that could help her keep strong and detached.

But why? Why are the positive memories floating around in her head freely and strongly and yet the bad memories are stuffed in a 'mind closet' full of fuzzy cobwebs that prevent her from actively reacting to those memories?

There are a couple of reasons and we'll discuss today the first one. Let's think of your mind like a computer. Memories are 'stored' much like they are stored on a computer. Pain and traumautic memories are stored differently than positive memories.

Pulling up the negative memories from your hard drive is different than pulling up a memory that is on your desk top as an icon emblem. Traumatic memories get fragmented on their way to being stored on the hard drive. They get divided up into more than one file. In one file is the emotional feelings, another file is the sights, another file the sounds, another file the physical sensations.

But a WHOLE and complete memory is made up of ALL those files TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME such as what you emotionally felt, saw, heard, and physically experienced. Just one piece of it doesn't make it a complete memory such as just the positive memory.

A memory is good + bad =complete.

But when things are traumatic, (or stressful) the mind seperates the whole experience into smaller bits and pieces and then stores them seperately in the mind because it's less painful that way.

When women try to 'remind themselves' why they shouldn't be with him, they might get flashes of the bad memory but strangely, the emotional feelings are NOT attached to it. They wonder 'where did the feelings go?' They can see the bad event but they don't feel much about what they remember.

If you are playing a movie without the sound, how do you know what the actors are passionately feeling? It's the same thing with this traumatic recall of memories. You might see the video but not hear the pain in the voices. The negative or traumatic memory is divided up into several files and you are only accessing one of the files---a place where you have stored the positive aspects of the relationship.

To complicate things further, positive memories are not stored like negative memories. They are not divided up into other files. They don't need to be---they aren't traumatic.

So when you remember a time when the relationship was good or cuddly or the early parts of the relationships which are notoriously honeymoon-ish, the whole memory comes up--the emotional feelings, the
visual, the auditory, the sensations. You have a WHOLE and STRONG memory with that. Of course that is WAY MORE appealing to have--a memory that is not only GOOD but one in which you feel all the powerful
aspects of it as well.

Now, close your eyes and pull up a negative memory...can you feel the difference? You might see it but not feel it. Or hear it and not see much of it. Or feel a physical sensation of it but not the emotional piece that SHOULD go with the physical sensation. No matter what your experience is of the negative emotion, it is probably fragmented in some way.

Negative and traumatic memories are often incomplete memories--they are memory fragments floating all over your computer/mind. They are small files holding tiny bits of info that have fragmented your sense of the whole complete memory. These distorted and broken memory fragments are easily lost in your mind. 

If you have grown up in an abusive or alcoholic home, you were already subconsciously trained how to seperate out memories like this. If your abuse was severe enough early on, your mind just automatically does this anyway--if you get scared, or someone raises their voice, or you feel fear in anyway---your brain starts breaking down the painful experience so it's easier for you to cope with.

Next time we will talk about one other way your mind handles positive and negative memories and why you are flooded with positive recall and blocked from remembering and feeling those negative things he's done to you.

Cliff Divers and Rabbit Hoppers

By Jillian Maas Backman

I want to dedicate this entry to my good internal emotional friend,   Fear.  One of the most mis-understood emotions and yet, has the greatest potential to be our working warrior beside all of us in a time of need.  

  

So much is written about this illusive emotional condition.  Just the word alone conjures up a negative reaction and sends people into a tailspin.  Why?  Along the way, we have received implied mixed messages, finger pointing towards FEAR as the “evil one” from our emotional piggy bank from which to draw from.  Origins deriving from such statements, as “We must conquer our fears!”  “That fear is going to kill you!”  “FEAR is the root to all evil!”  This kind of verbiage sets up a battlefield inside your conscious mind.  Think about it this way, whenever someone goes into battle there will always be a winner and loser.  When we apply this same kind of tactical representation towards fear, it is no longer an ally.  It becomes an adversary to suppress.  Nothing good comes from this kind of thinking in your head.  We end up segregating pieces of ourselves and assign judgment.  A power struggle ensues between good and evil.   

We have humiliated ourselves into thinking it is cowardly if we admit experiencing some form of fear.  Somehow, we are less emotionally healthy if we have bouts of fearful momental breakdowns.  What a set up that is, in so many sad sad ways.  Fear is a human emotional conditions we should honor and respect on different levels.  It is not meant to be a comfortable state of being, by any means what so ever.  

NEVERTHELESS, it can be an immutable force behind your intentions! 

Every human emotion was given to us for a higher purpose of some kind.  I believe we are trying to think our way through changing the human archetype we were heavenly blessed with from inception.  Impossible and a waste of human time.  My ability to feel fear is necessary for my survival in certain situations.  It is how you act upon those internal markings is a gift not a punishment.

Let us take the fear out of “being in fear.”

First, there is lots of wiggle room between using fear as a catalyst for expansion and creating a fear addiction.  As always, I am addressing a healthy dose of “fearness” herein.  This is not intended for those of you that feel you may have crossed into the danger zone of a “fear addiction.”  As with all addictive behavior, intervention prevention by trained professional is always advised. 

Please do not abandon your sense of fearing.

Fear, as with all other human emotions, will be present forever.  It is our natural sense indicator of change in the rawest form possible, an involuntary boundary sensor.  The minute you find yourself outside your comfort zone, that fear brain sensor will be busy transmitting all forms of warning signs.  Why in the world would you want to intellectually spend time fighting against this loving emotional companion is beyond me.  For goodness sake, walk with it. 

Years ago, I too was immobilized with my own fears.  My perceived options were either ignore the presence of it and force my way through or accept defeat and surrender.  Both seem ludicrate at the time.  Neither option was going to get me to my desired destination of transformation.  I trusted myself enough to know that fear was not my enemy.  I  was being guided to delve deeper for illumination on the gift of heavenly fear.  The answer was not about the elimination of it, more on how to manage my way through the consistency of fear.  How do you deal with the innate presence of emotional fear?

Which one are you;   Cliff Diver or a Rabbit Hopper:

Before I share the details, let me preface this by stating:  No one category is better than the other.  Each one has inherited advantages and disadvantages.  I use these labels as a fun way of stepping out from the wake of fear, observing how you personally deal with conflict resolutions, and possible modifications.

Cliff Diver:  Peaks of Fearlessness followed by Peaks of Fear

Now cliff divers are the ones that do exactly what the label sounds like.  Not literally, of course.  When they decide to make changes, they usually go big.  Not in the sense of crazy big, more like something out of the ordinary.  The opposite, they sit back, internally analyze, wait for the right moment to jump, and then jump long!  All the while, vacillating between moments of fear-ness and fearless-ness.  This reminds me of that old cartoon, Wily E Coyote and the Road Runner.  The coyote would chase the roadrunner off the end of a cliff.  His first reaction on his face described it all.  “Oh crap, what did I just do?”  Eyes wide as silver dollars, realizing his forthcoming quandary, flapped   his arms as fast as he could in the attempt to soften the blow with his eventual landing.  He always seemed   to survive another day of relentless chasing the Roadrunner.    

Advantage:  

-Fear instantly subsides.  There is immediate spontaneous resolve to the inaction of fear. 

-Go with the flow kind of people, flexible

-More times than not, this decision defines completion.

-  Meaning, you have completed a cycle in your life that has been festering for a long time and your inability for movement has stalled.  Your last bit of built up fears pushed you forward to a decisive action and possibly propel you to new territory of exploration.

- Feel your way through fears.  No intrinsic internal need to identify and label each fear individually. 

-Able to handle both conscious and unconscious pretara of “perceived fears” simultaneously.

-Insights always come from a multitude life lessons.   

Disadvantages:

-Be aware of compulsive fearless moments.  It is an incredible motivator but may also create lingering repercussions.

-Be conscious that you are a cliff diver.  The natural order of human fear will settle in again, but the configuration will definitely be different from before.  You will eventually decide to jump off the cliff of fearlessness once again and the cycle will repeat.  What measure have you set in place to reconfigure a new way of handling fears when it comes around again?  A good solution would be to adapt the ways of a “rabbit hopper…”  Therefore, when you decide to “jump” again the aftermath may have a softer landing.

Rabbit Hoppers:  Equal amount of fear and fearlessness

Bless them, for many do not understand their unseemly unassuming ways.  We are promoters of cliff divers in this country.  “Go Big or Go Home.”  Come on really?  Not every big way is the best way.  There are times when slow and steady is the best method to resolutions of all kinds.  I again reference a childhood story, “The Tortoise and the Hare.”  Even though the hare is portrayed in this parable as the one who lost in the end maybe both were correct. 

Advantages:

-Break down fears into workable “chucks of insights.”

-Deal with fear as it comes along.  They live by the rule, literally, one-step at a time.  In this case, one hop at a time. 

- Extremely methodical in handling all aspects of fear- based experiences.  Goals firmly placed in front of them.  Set in their immediate intentions.

-Can only deal with single fear issues one at a time.  Multi-tasking lessons are not an option. 

-Keep internal fear/fearlessness in balance.

Disadvantages: 

  -Assume fearlessness as being out of control.

-Tendency to avoid situations of complete fearlessness and spontaneous decision.

-Inflexible.  Rarely deviate from the pre-set course of action.

- There will be times of urgency to make a fast decision.  Fear is an incredible activator for quick movements.  Many times rabbit hoppers avoid this kind of situations at all cost.  That itself can create potential  danger.  You must adapt and take the “cliff diver” approach and jump in.

In order for rabbit hoppers to continue to move forward, they must always keep a balanced perspective on both fear and fearlessness.  That is a tall order, for the demure rabbit.  Fear has a tendency to silently take over the rabbit hoppers momentum.

I presented this fun fear quiz to demonstrate how each one of us handle and manage the stress of fear.  Both represent the beautiful ways in which we assimilate our fears, transpose them into lessons, and share our well -traveled  wisdom with others.   

In gracious love, Jillian Maas Backman

Jillian Maas Backman is an Intuitive Life, Author (Beyond the Pews, spring 2011), and Award winning Radio Host.  She can be heard on her weekly Sunday morning program entitled:  “It’s For You” on-air 9-10am(CST)  Lake 961 fm,   Lake Geneva, WI, North Shore Chicago, Ill or by listening on-line world wide  at  www.lake961.com   

Why You Only Remember The Good Stuff of a Bad Relationship--Part II

By Sandra L. Brown

Last time I began discussing the reasons why women have a difficult time "remembering the bad aspects of the relationship." 

Women describe the sensation of only remembering the good times, the good feelings and being 'fuzzy' or sort of forgetting all the bad things he has done when they think of him. This process seems to be triggered by an emotional feeling (such as longing or loneliness) AND/OR by a memory or hearing his voice, seeing an email, etc. 

Last time we also discussed how good and bad memories are stored in the brain differently. Good memories are stored upfront and easily accessed. Bad memories are stored and compartmentalized in the mind and are harder to access (think of, for instance, child abuse memories and how people so often repress or forget these memories). 

This article we are going to talk about ANOTHER reason why you only remember the good stuff of a bad relationship. (This is covered in detail in the book 'Women Who Love Psychopaths.') The second reason is based on our own biological hardwiring. We are wired with a pleasure base that is called our Reward System. We associate pleasure with being rewarded or something 'good.' We are naturally attracted to pleasure. The pathological (at least in the beginning) stimulates the pleasure base and we associate that with a 'reward'-- that is, we 'enjoy his presence.' 

Pathologicals are also often excessively dominant and strong in their presence, something we have gone on to call 'Command Presence.' What we enjoy in him is all the good feelings + his strong dominate command presence. Being rewarded by his presence AND experiencing the strength of that presence registers as pleasure/ reward. Although he later goes on to inflict pain, pleasure or good memories, as we saw last time, are stored differently in the brain. 

Our brains tend to focus on one or the other and we have a natural internal 'default' to lean towards remembering and responding to our Reward System and pleasure. On the other hand, memories associated with punishment or pain are short lived and stored differently in the brain. They can be harder to access and 'remember.' When you experience pleasure with him (whether it's attention, sex, or a good feeling) it stimulates the reward pathway in the brain. This helps to facilitate 'extinction' of fear. 

Fear is extinugished when fear is hooked up with pleasant thoughts, feelings, and experiences (such as the early 'honeymoon' phase of the relationship). When fear + pleasant feelings are paired together, the negative emotion of the fear gives way to the pleasant feelings and the fear goes away. Your Reward System then squelches your anxiety associated with repeating the same negative thing with the pathological. 

The memories associated with the fear/anxiety/punishment are quickly extinguished. For most people, the unconscious pursuit of reward/pleasure is more important than the avoidance of punishment/pain. This is especially true if you were raised with pathological parents in which you became hyper-focused on reward/pleasure because you were chronically in so much pain. Given that our natural hardwired state of being is tilted towards pleasure and our Reward System, it makes sense as to why women have an easier time accessing the positive memories. 

Once these positive memories become 'intrusive' and the only thing you can think about is now the good feelings associated with the pathological, the positive memories have stepped up the game to obsession and often a compulsion to be with him despite the punishment/pain associated with him. 

These two reasons why bad memories are hard to access have helped us understand and develop intervention based on the memory storage of bad memories and the reward/punishment system of the brain. If you struggle with the continued issue of intrusive thoughts and feel 'compelled' to be with him or pursue a destructive relationship...you are not alone. This is why understanding his pathology, your response to it, and how to combat these over- whelming sensations and thoughts are part of our retreat/psycho- educational program. 

Remembering only the good can be treated!