You Are Not the Victim

                                                       

By Pamela Chapman

Why Victimization Is So Not Cool

• It decreases your self-esteem and self-worth
• It gives your personal power to someone else
• It always sees life from a negative perspective – the glass half empty
• It always self-negates and self-sabotages
• It causes depression and fosters oppression
• It sees discrimination and evil in every person
• It keeps you looking back
• It promotes weakness and dependency
• It negates your inner abundance
• It feeds on pain & darkness
• It thrives and feeds on fear
• No one wants to be around someone who is always the victim

Why Leaving Victimization is Way Cool

• It increases your self-esteem and self-worth
• It empowers you
• It lets you see life from a positive perspective – the glass half full
• It self promotes and brings about self-sufficiency and self-realization
• It produces a fulfilling, joy-filled life
• It acknowledges the good in every person
• It keeps you looking forward and working toward your goals
• It promotes happiness and good vibration
• It helps you realize your inner abundance and realize your purpose
• It reflects Energy & Light
• It thrives and feeds on faith
• Everyone wants to be with this person; in fact, they attract fabulous people

Which life would you rather live? Many of us have had bad things happen to us. All of us go through difficult life-transition at some time in our lives. Far too many have had horrendous experiences and trials. And, it is always our choice, a decision on how we go forward. Will we use the experience to help and lift others and eradicate the wrongs of systems? Will we choose to advocate for truth and justice? Or, will we just play the victim role feelings sorry for ourselves, looking for attention and sympathy; forever angry with ourselves and the world?

That abusive relationship, that injustice, that heinous crime done to you did not come as a surprise to your Creator. He knew it was going to happen. He is all knowing. He also knew He had made you strong enough to go through it. My mom has always said, “What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.”  Well, there were times when I felt like I was going to die—I wanted to just to get out of the situation.

Just know when the crushing feels like you just can’t take it any more…when it feels like if one more “bad” thing happens it’s going to take you out, just when you plead, “God please take this cup from me,” that’s exactly when the Glory of God will come in taking you over and bringing you forward into your purpose and the calling He had for you before the foundation of this world.

Crazy, it may seem; but true. And, even in your going forward you  may fall and become the victim again, either by circumstance or because your past experiences have you believe it, is so Get Up; Brush Yourself Off; and get right back in the game of life again.

You are Not the Victim

Revelation 3:21

Those who are victorious will sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat with my Father on his throne.

For a no-nonsense look at victimization and how you can break free from the bonds, visit Pamela Chapman's site:  You Are Not A Victim

When Others Hurt

by Anne Peterson

Look around. Hurting people are everywhere. In the last couple of weeks I have had some medical tests done, finding myself in and around the hospital. When I see others there, I wonder what their stories are, what they’re going through. Years ago when I lost my mother I remember the impact it had on our family. My whole life changed in a matter of days. I was just 16 at the time and I remember feeling so alone. I am convinced we don’t know what others are going through. We make judgments based on what we see, but we really don’t know their stories.

This week I read a devotion by Lysa TerKeurst, noted speaker and writer with Proverbs 31 Ministry. She told the story of a speaking engagement she had last year in Pensacola. At the conclusion of the conference she was immediately summoned to speak to someone in crisis.

“There has been an horrific tragedy, the speaker was told. Would you please come at once.”

A grandmother attending the conference had just received word that her two grandchildren had been killed in a house fire. This poor grandmother had just spent the prior week with those precious grandchildren and she eventually put them on a plane home. The children did not want to leave her and were crying. Upon returning home their mother’s boyfriend was high on drugs and deliberately set fire to the house, with the children inside.

This woman’s whole life changed in a matter of moments. What could the speaker possibly say to this grandmother in shock. How could she help her as she stood consumed in this sea of grief? Lysa approached her not knowing what she would share at all.

Still, she made her way over to her. When she finally got to her side all Lysa did was quietly mention the name “Jesus,” over and over. Soon the grandmother started repeated it, the police officer repeated it, as well as the paramedics who had come to the aid of this distraught woman. Over and over people within earshot started saying “Jesus.” And though that was the only thing said, a peace started permeating the room and this poor woman started to relax.

One year later when Lysa returned for another speaking engagement she stood with this grandmother once again, hand in hand remembering the events of the previous year. The speaker noticed a peace in this poor woman who had lost something so valuable in a senseless act of violence. They simply stood in silence remembering the event, but also the peace they shared because of turning to God.

Sometimes when someone is in the throes of grief we can be there with them, just sharing in their pain. We needn’t wait till we know what we can say. There are no magic words to take away such deep abiding pain. And yet, our presence speaks volumes to those who are hurting.

Sometimes in our grief others step back. It isn’t that they don’t care, though at the time that is how it feels. Some simply are afraid, lacking experience. Some feel that if they bring up the loved one their friend or family member will hurt. The truth is, they are already hurting.

A friend of mine lost her baby years ago and shared what hurt the worst was not what people said, but those who chose to say nothing. To her, it felt like they were denying the very existence of her child. It made her loss more difficult, and it felt like her loved one was unimportant.

We are human beings and we make mistakes. But, it is still better to make an attempt to console someone than to step back.

Through Hospice, I read a great article about grief and how it helps to get in the bucket with those who grieve, to just be there. Often when someone is hurting they are in their pain and we bring over our own buckets, trying to pour what we have into theirs. The problem is their buckets are already full. What they really need, the article explained, is for us to get in their bucket with them.

Empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. When we don’t understand the particular thing someone is going through we can still be there for them, we can share their feelings.

The truth is even if we have gone through something similar to those who are hurting, we don’t know how they feel. We are all different, and we process things differently. In fact, it is helpful if when we are with a hurting person that we don’t say, “I know how you feel.”

Ogle County Hospice printed a story about a young boy who asked his father if he could go across the street to visit their elderly neighbor who was sitting on his porch. This old gentleman had just lost his beloved wife of many years, and the family had talked about how tough it must be for him.

The little boy carefully crossed the street to the neighbor’s house and then climbed on the old man’s lap. The father watched quietly, wondering what kind of conversation the two of them might be having. Soon the young boy came back home and he and his father went inside their own house. As they did, the father asked, “What did you talk about son,?”

“Nothing,” was his reply."

“But, I saw you sitting on the neighbor’s lap, what were you saying?”

The son replied, “I didn’t say anything, Daddy, I just helped him cry.”

A counselor once shared with me his reaction to a doctor’s treatment of a terminal patient. The doctor briefly told the woman in a matter of moments that there was nothing left they could do for her. When asked about his lack of sensitivity, he merely, replied,” That’s not my job.”

Maybe as a doctor he felt that his obligation was met delivering the woman’s prognosis, but as a human being, he failed her. Five minutes spent being with her might have assuaged some of her impending fears. Those few minutes would have given her the message that she mattered.

It’s interesting to me how we are wired as human beings. Personally, I have experienced many losses in my life. It’s something that became familiar at even a young age. Consequently, I am not uncomfortable when someone receives bad news. I don’t feel like backing away, but instead, I am somehow drawn to the person, perhaps remembering how difficult it is at that moment. How the world seems to go on unaware that your whole world has just stopped. Maybe for that moment I can be someone that makes a difference. Maybe I can help in some way.

It’s good to know that God cares about us, that he has numbered the very hairs on our heads. Those are truths we can hold onto. But sometimes, in the midst of our pain, we need to know someone will be there with us, someone who will help us cry or just get in our bucket with us. It can make all the difference in the world.

Why You Only Remember The Good Stuff of a Bad Relationship--Part II

By Sandra L. Brown

Last time I began discussing the reasons why women have a difficult time "remembering the bad aspects of the relationship." 

Women describe the sensation of only remembering the good times, the good feelings and being 'fuzzy' or sort of forgetting all the bad things he has done when they think of him. This process seems to be triggered by an emotional feeling (such as longing or loneliness) AND/OR by a memory or hearing his voice, seeing an email, etc. 

Last time we also discussed how good and bad memories are stored in the brain differently. Good memories are stored upfront and easily accessed. Bad memories are stored and compartmentalized in the mind and are harder to access (think of, for instance, child abuse memories and how people so often repress or forget these memories). 

This article we are going to talk about ANOTHER reason why you only remember the good stuff of a bad relationship. (This is covered in detail in the book 'Women Who Love Psychopaths.') The second reason is based on our own biological hardwiring. We are wired with a pleasure base that is called our Reward System. We associate pleasure with being rewarded or something 'good.' We are naturally attracted to pleasure. The pathological (at least in the beginning) stimulates the pleasure base and we associate that with a 'reward'-- that is, we 'enjoy his presence.' 

Pathologicals are also often excessively dominant and strong in their presence, something we have gone on to call 'Command Presence.' What we enjoy in him is all the good feelings + his strong dominate command presence. Being rewarded by his presence AND experiencing the strength of that presence registers as pleasure/ reward. Although he later goes on to inflict pain, pleasure or good memories, as we saw last time, are stored differently in the brain. 

Our brains tend to focus on one or the other and we have a natural internal 'default' to lean towards remembering and responding to our Reward System and pleasure. On the other hand, memories associated with punishment or pain are short lived and stored differently in the brain. They can be harder to access and 'remember.' When you experience pleasure with him (whether it's attention, sex, or a good feeling) it stimulates the reward pathway in the brain. This helps to facilitate 'extinction' of fear. 

Fear is extinugished when fear is hooked up with pleasant thoughts, feelings, and experiences (such as the early 'honeymoon' phase of the relationship). When fear + pleasant feelings are paired together, the negative emotion of the fear gives way to the pleasant feelings and the fear goes away. Your Reward System then squelches your anxiety associated with repeating the same negative thing with the pathological. 

The memories associated with the fear/anxiety/punishment are quickly extinguished. For most people, the unconscious pursuit of reward/pleasure is more important than the avoidance of punishment/pain. This is especially true if you were raised with pathological parents in which you became hyper-focused on reward/pleasure because you were chronically in so much pain. Given that our natural hardwired state of being is tilted towards pleasure and our Reward System, it makes sense as to why women have an easier time accessing the positive memories. 

Once these positive memories become 'intrusive' and the only thing you can think about is now the good feelings associated with the pathological, the positive memories have stepped up the game to obsession and often a compulsion to be with him despite the punishment/pain associated with him. 

These two reasons why bad memories are hard to access have helped us understand and develop intervention based on the memory storage of bad memories and the reward/punishment system of the brain. If you struggle with the continued issue of intrusive thoughts and feel 'compelled' to be with him or pursue a destructive relationship...you are not alone. This is why understanding his pathology, your response to it, and how to combat these over- whelming sensations and thoughts are part of our retreat/psycho- educational program. 

Remembering only the good can be treated!

Vital Belief #4—Take Care of You First

By Pamela Chapman

If you read my previous blog entry, Vital Belief #3, you’ll recall that I spoke of breathing correctly. I spoke of the flight attendant telling you to put the oxygen mask over your own nose and mouth in case of emergency and why doing so is critical. Today’s blog is just an expansion of that and is written especially for you ladies. Gentlemen, you can follow the same advice, but we girls tend to take care of everyone else before we think of ourselves. We don’t usually take time for ourselves until our bodies are screaming “STOP!” or literally stopping us with illness.


While many of our Time’s Up! activists are pursing incredibly urgent causes—abuse, missing persons, murder, and cyber crimes, to name a few—I am committed to inspiring, motivating, strengthening, and bringing inner healing to you while you fight. I commit to building your stamina while you carry on for the cause. This is why my writings never speak to the pain, but bring you glimpses of peace, light, and love. 


In your urgent and critical endeavors, it is so easy to forget about you and the importance of taking care of yourself. You might even consider it selfish to think about yourself when there are so many atrocities occurring 24/7 around the world. But, let me put it this way: without you, those atrocities wouldn’t be confronted or addressed. Your movement would possibly die or be delayed. So, here’s some simple and practical advice that won’t take a lot of your time or energy.

When your mind is unfocused, you can’t remember where you’re putting things, you don’t know what you did last or what you should do next, and your body aches all over, STOP! Take a break—take time off. Take time to smell the roses, look at the blue sky by day, and count the stars by night. Check out that ball in the sky that gives you light for the darkest night, takes on different shapes, and even smiles at you at times. Take off your shoes and socks and feel the grass between your toes, take a deep breath and smell its freshness, put your ear to its roots and listen to it crackle as it grows—it’s life. Is there an ocean nearby so that you can listen to its roar and hear what it wants to say to you? Is there a calm river that wants to take you gently and peacefully, without your working, downstream?


Pretty Woman, one of my all time favorite movies (that and the Ten Commandments—go figure) shows us how a working woman, a woman of the oldest profession, teaches an ambitious, overachieving entrepreneur how to embrace life and love and take care of himself. It’s not enough to pursue your goals, passions, or causes if you, in turn, miss out on life and neglect yourself. This may rub you the wrong way, but let me remind you of this: the basis of life isfreedom; the result of life is expansion; and the purpose of life is life more abundant. 


That statement may really tick you off, especially if you have just experienced tragedy. But I reiterate: the purpose of that tragedy is to expand you and bring you to your purpose in life. All Creation knew you could move through the experience, make the choice to step up to the experience, and then do something about it. You weren’t going to just take it. The experience may have crippled you for a moment, but you chose to get up and out of your pain, disappointment, and anger. You made a choice to carry on. During the process you may have cried, broken down, and even come close to death yourself, but in the end, you endured and found or are finding joy and peace in making great change. Your purpose will outweigh your pain if you say yes to the call.


With that being said, you must take care of you. Go back to the first three vital beliefs I gave you at the beginning of the year: ground yourself every day, if not several times a day; only put out what you want to get back (love, joy, and peace); and  breathe deeply. If your body or mind begins to ache, it’s sending you a signal: you’re out of alignment (ouch). If you start to sneeze and cough, you’re doing too much (ouch again), and if you find yourself with a more serious dis/ease (heart ailment, diabetes, or, God forbid, cancer) this is your body crying out for you to love YOU. Let go, rest, wait, refocus, reenergize, and balance. Do some soul searching. Your body, soul, and spirit are sending you a strong message. You can do all of the things you want to do: pursue careers, raise children, seek justice, introduce bills and amendments, expose untruths, and reveal truths. But do it in wholeness, not brokenness. 


You make no great witness if you are unbalanced, broken, or bereaved. It is my belief that the only way you’re going to change the world is to be that example of wholeness: to be the healed (mentally, physically emotionally), to be the light, and to be the love. When we can be that, others will want to be like us. You can only become that by taking care of you first.


In love, light, and healing,
Pamela Chapman
Certified Self-Esteem, Life-Transition Expert
Certified Domestic Violence Specialist

Adult Survivors of Childhood Trauma: What's Next?

 By Lisa Michels, Guest Writer

When trauma happens in childhood, be it molestation, witnessing a crime, or a severe injury, children appear to "bounce back."  However, nothing could be further from the truth.

Do you remember some of the kids you went to school with, such as the ones who your parents didn't want you to hang around with, the bad element?  At the time did you ever wonder why those particular kids seemed to act out in ways that weren't acceptable?  It probably never occurred to us that there could be something underlying that caused that particular behavior. Maybe we were even one of them. You know the ones that were termed "crazy" or maybe they were into alcohol, drugs or smoking marijuana or cigarettes behind buildings. 

There are red flags, or danger signs that children seem to exhibit when something in their lives is just not right.  Psychologists, scientists, and scholars have studied and reported on many of these signs of trouble for a number of years.  We've seen them written about in all the parenting magazines and books.  They are pretty easy to recognize and manifest themselves in a way that gives parents pause.

On the other hand, there are those who seem to internalize, get quiet, maybe even study too much and pour all of their energies into being a "geek or nerd."  They were shy, reserved and had trouble socializing and communicating with the "in" crowd.  They seemed to be sensitive, isolated, yet somehow you thought, if provoked, that one may snap.

We all look back and have memories of good and bad times in our growing up, but some of those memories are locked up, they can't be brought back easily.  It's the memory that shapes our being, the who that we are.  Traumatic experiences can affect us in several ways, some we may recall and even elaborate about, such as broken limbs or traffic accidents.  We tend to heal and then our stories about them grow with telling.

But some memories of trauma are so excruciating that it's too painful to recall them at will.  They are pushed far into the depths of our being and we grow up without them.  They stay put away, yet affect us in different ways, ways that we can't figure out.

There may come a day when something triggers that memory, whether it be a smell, an action, or even a phrase that we can't explain.  It may come back not as a full memory, but a feeling that something just isn't right, or an unexplainable fear or anxiety.  Our mind and body may react to this trigger in a way that we just can't figure out, we don't know why we feel this way, or when this all started, but it continues to affect our lives.  It may cause feelings of inadequacy, loss of power over our thoughts, lead us to drinking or drugs, but it's somehow taken over our life.

How do we recover that memory, the one that was locked away, the one that was so awful that to recall it would be deadly?  There aren't many 12 step programs that allow this long and painful process heal the wounds that cut so deep into our psyche.  Studies and controversial therapies say that repressed memories aren't really repressed, and that most children have the ability to recall the trauma, yet don't understand the implications of it.

There are no easy explanations, nor are there any easy ways to heal from a childhood trauma.

There are millions of adults paying therapists thousands of dollars to find out why they react to situations the way they do.  We have a need to know why and feel unsettled until the mystery is unraveled and dealt with in a positive way.  We feel the need to heal, yet in some cases, we don't know what it is from which we need healing. 

Recovering the repressed memory is a process that you would think brings resolution.  Finally, we understand the unknown.  Our fears and anxiety are given a name. Yet this is the beginning of feeling the knife piercing the skin. We go from burying the pain so deep that we block all ability to feel, whether it be good or bad, to allowing ourselves to finally feel the reality of the pain that has pierced our bodies so long ago. Can we finally make peace within ourselves? The answer is yes, over time and through intense work.

"Running on Empty"

By Susan Murphy Milano

I stood on the neighbor's front steps watching as the officers carried out the large black body bags lifting and placing each one into the paddy wagon for transport to the county morgue. In a sigh of pain and relief I exhaled thinking to myself it was finally over.

I prayed my mother was in a peaceful place where anger and violence do not exist . And I hoped my father was rotting someplace in the belly of hell.

I believed that by assisting other women and their children from living in violent households or meeting the same fate as my mother I could erase my own years of childhood trauma and violence. Neatly I packaged my life and placed my feelings in the furthest corner of my mind barely giving them a second thought, always placing the needs of others first. Yet somehow, with each new candle added to the birthday cake, my hope for happiness diminished within my own life.

After 20 years my life's gas tank was on empty. Peace and hope seemed like a far away ship always sailing without me. I was wonderful at giving others what they needed but somehow I was unable to figure out the way do that for me and my own needs.

This past year I had run myself down and fell ill with a deadly flu virus and nearly died. When I awoke to the glaring lights of the hospital emergency room I overheard the doctors say it was a miracle I survived the ordeal. It would be a long two months until I recovered.

With time on my hands I continued to ask myself why I had survived? Surely by now I had more than fulfilled my life's contract. And although I was ready to go home, it was obvious God's plan was for me to stay awhile longer.

Six months later while working on a new book project, unleashing old demons, I realized after all these years I was still punishing myself for not being able to come to the aide of my mother prior to her murder.

Those of us who survive the horrors of family homicide never really get past the guilt and pain associated with the traumatic event. Often we are too proud to seek out professional services from clergy or mental health professionals. Instead, we walk around as if we are carrying 50 pound suitcases in each arm filled with the weight of our deep dark guilt. I have discovered in order move past the pain I must acknowledge it exists and ask God to sprinkle my path with peace and hope.

From the Bible there are many words of wisdom and power. One verse has always held special meaning when I need strength, Psalm 18:6 says:

"In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him into his ears."