Why You Only Remember The Good Stuff of a Bad Relationship--Part II

By Sandra L. Brown

Last time I began discussing the reasons why women have a difficult time "remembering the bad aspects of the relationship." 

Women describe the sensation of only remembering the good times, the good feelings and being 'fuzzy' or sort of forgetting all the bad things he has done when they think of him. This process seems to be triggered by an emotional feeling (such as longing or loneliness) AND/OR by a memory or hearing his voice, seeing an email, etc. 

Last time we also discussed how good and bad memories are stored in the brain differently. Good memories are stored upfront and easily accessed. Bad memories are stored and compartmentalized in the mind and are harder to access (think of, for instance, child abuse memories and how people so often repress or forget these memories). 

This article we are going to talk about ANOTHER reason why you only remember the good stuff of a bad relationship. (This is covered in detail in the book 'Women Who Love Psychopaths.') The second reason is based on our own biological hardwiring. We are wired with a pleasure base that is called our Reward System. We associate pleasure with being rewarded or something 'good.' We are naturally attracted to pleasure. The pathological (at least in the beginning) stimulates the pleasure base and we associate that with a 'reward'-- that is, we 'enjoy his presence.' 

Pathologicals are also often excessively dominant and strong in their presence, something we have gone on to call 'Command Presence.' What we enjoy in him is all the good feelings + his strong dominate command presence. Being rewarded by his presence AND experiencing the strength of that presence registers as pleasure/ reward. Although he later goes on to inflict pain, pleasure or good memories, as we saw last time, are stored differently in the brain. 

Our brains tend to focus on one or the other and we have a natural internal 'default' to lean towards remembering and responding to our Reward System and pleasure. On the other hand, memories associated with punishment or pain are short lived and stored differently in the brain. They can be harder to access and 'remember.' When you experience pleasure with him (whether it's attention, sex, or a good feeling) it stimulates the reward pathway in the brain. This helps to facilitate 'extinction' of fear. 

Fear is extinugished when fear is hooked up with pleasant thoughts, feelings, and experiences (such as the early 'honeymoon' phase of the relationship). When fear + pleasant feelings are paired together, the negative emotion of the fear gives way to the pleasant feelings and the fear goes away. Your Reward System then squelches your anxiety associated with repeating the same negative thing with the pathological. 

The memories associated with the fear/anxiety/punishment are quickly extinguished. For most people, the unconscious pursuit of reward/pleasure is more important than the avoidance of punishment/pain. This is especially true if you were raised with pathological parents in which you became hyper-focused on reward/pleasure because you were chronically in so much pain. Given that our natural hardwired state of being is tilted towards pleasure and our Reward System, it makes sense as to why women have an easier time accessing the positive memories. 

Once these positive memories become 'intrusive' and the only thing you can think about is now the good feelings associated with the pathological, the positive memories have stepped up the game to obsession and often a compulsion to be with him despite the punishment/pain associated with him. 

These two reasons why bad memories are hard to access have helped us understand and develop intervention based on the memory storage of bad memories and the reward/punishment system of the brain. If you struggle with the continued issue of intrusive thoughts and feel 'compelled' to be with him or pursue a destructive relationship...you are not alone. This is why understanding his pathology, your response to it, and how to combat these over- whelming sensations and thoughts are part of our retreat/psycho- educational program. 

Remembering only the good can be treated!

“Follow Your Passion-----------Crime of Passion”

By Jillian Maas Backman          

Funny how one word (passion) can transform a person’s reaction from radiance to rage in a matter of a few strategically placed phrases…..  I make this point to stress the importance of understanding how language transmits an energetic force into the world.  Think of how you felt when you first read this caption.  Was your initial reaction to the first phrase joyful and then engaging your mind with the second part, anger or confusion?

This written example demonstrates how powerful words- both written and spoken - create a reactionary energy inside each one of us.  In a time when communication technology is super heightened; texting, instant messages, social networking and more, our natural filtering seems to be at an all-time low.  Meaning, we say want we want, when we want and how we want without any consideration of the energetic transformation that piggybacks right along to the receiver at the other end. Eventually this pulls us energetically further and further apart from the feelings of empathy, responsibility and oneness from our neighbors, communities and eventually society. 

More often, all crimes of VIOLENCE start with vicious words towards each other.  This kind of word-full abuse slowly permeates into the soul of a human being from the inside out.  The result of this kind of word-filled energy attack leaves a person with feelings of self- worthlessness, powerlessness and pain, a true indicator of a slippery path to destruction of everyone directly involved. 

Assignment:

Be accountable for what you say, and present, to your loved ones this week.  Motivate yourself to replace old words with more elevated vocabulary choices, such as replacing victim with victor, survivor with thriver….

WORDS HURT.

Your profound awareness of this can change the world

one phrase at a time! 

In loving gratitude, Jillian