Trait Examination OR Character Assassination?

By Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

Part of the problem we face in trying to get to the nitty-gritty of pathological love relationships is that

"how we do it" or "what we call it" is judged so severely that it impairs sharing the valuable outcomes that are learned.

There are groups of professionals, women's orgs, and service agencies that tip toe around what we "call" patterns of selection in relationships. There are unspoken rules and heavily weighted opinions about "what" we can discuss and "how" we discuss the outcomes.

What am I talking about? Since the 1970's which largely kick started the women's movement, the way society discusses specifics about women's choices in relationships’ their patterns of selection; her personality traits, mental health,  and sexual addiction/deviancy has been largely discouraged and semantisized as "labeling the victim" or "victim blaming." It has put the victim off limits for any in depth understanding other than a victimology theory that was developed in the 1970's.

It is hard to get around the billboard image of "victim" to talk about any kind of relationship dynamics or other psychological aspects of the pathological love relationship including biology, temperament, or engrained/learned, or conditioned traits. We may study him but we already have a "theory" for her which is not to be disturbed.

Compare this to any other field of mental health and it's absurd that we would say "We already understand depression, no more theories, no more studying! Don't call it depression or you are blaming the patient for their own depression."

To study her is to blame her. To measure her traits to see if there are vulnerabilities or pattern typing is to suggest she is flawed.

* The victim assuredly has been through trauma.

* Studying the victim in no way says they have not been through trauma.

* The victim is not to blame for what happened to them.

* Studying the victim in no way says they are responsible for what happened to them.

* The victim did not "choose" the victimization, but in relational dysfunction, she did pick the victimizer.

Could we learn something about that?

How will Cancer be won or a cure for AIDS found if we don't study the problem from all angles? If we conclude that studying the victim blames them, then we have cut off one entire segment of research that can help us in prevention, intervention and treatment, whether it's a medical disorder or a pathological relationship.

• Studying victimology, including aspects of the victim, is not victim character assassination.
• It might be trait examination or pattern of selection analysis.
• It might be a lot of things that have nothing to do with blame and shame and everything to do with understanding or creating new paradigms in which to see these relationships.
• It might piggyback off of other theories developed in the 1970's.
• Surely we have learned SOMETHING new about relationship dynamics, pathology in relationships, personality disorders as intimate partners, violence and addiction and their part in these relationships!
• Surely we can UPDATE a theory without our own assassination or that of the victim?

In some ways, I envy the Scientific and Research communities that look at the data and pass all the darn political correctness and emotional politics of "labeling" it something that certain groups find offensive. They test and crunch numbers and put it in a journal without all the rig-a-ma-roy. But in our case, where we are a notch below the researchers, what we study, how we describe what we found, is subject to so much scrutiny that many clinicians and writers hesitate to publish what they found.

So it has been with many of the things that The Institute has studied, found, reported, and written. In many organizations the first book "How to Spot a Dangerous Man" was rejected for looking at family role modeling, patterns of selection, and other aspects that women themselves said contributed to their pathological relationship. (On the other hand, it has been hailed by many domestic violence agencies and used widely in shelters, treatment centers and women's prisons.)

We stepped it up a huge notch in the "Women Who Love Psychopaths" in which we used testing instruments to test women's traits to see if there were temperament patterns in women who ended up in the most dangerous and disordered of relationships. This caught huge attention from some groups as the ground-breaking trait identification that it was and yet still; the victim groups saw it as labeling.

How can we help women if we don't understand their own biology?

Ironically, what we found was significant; super-traits so perfectly and symmetrically seen in 80 cases. Did we hurt a victim by studying that? Or have we helped now thousands of women who have read the books, been counseled by our trained therapists, come to our treatment programs?

How would we have gotten here today without daring to look deeper-to even risk looking at her! Not to blame her, but to understand her.  Some of the biggest breakthroughs that have been happening are in understanding the biology of our own brains and the consequences of our biology on our behavior, choices, and futures. We know that MRI's are being done on psychopath's brains revealing areas of brains that work differently. Some day, I think that may cross over and other personality disorders and chronic mental illnesses will be MRI'd as well so we understand how those disorder effect biology and brain function.

But what about victims?

* If we put the word "damaged" away and instead looked at how "different" brain regions in victims function, over function, under function, are influenced by stress, PTSD, adrenaline, cortisol, and early childhood abuse--could we come to understand how their brain might function in their patterns of selection in dangerous relationships?

* Could we come to understand that even temperament traits might give proclivity to how the brain "chooses" or how the brain categorizes (or ignores) red flags, danger, or is highly reactive to traumatized attraction?

* Could we understand brains that have higher tolerance levels because of certain brain areas that operate differently than other people?

* Could we understand traumatic memory storage and why good memories of him (even as awful as he might be) are so much stronger than the abuse memories?

* If we know what part of the brain distorts memory storage, can we work with that?

* Could we come to understand trait temperaments as risk factors or certain brain functions as possible victim vulnerabilities?

* Then would we know who is at risk?

* Would we understand better, how to TREAT the victim in counseling?

* How to develop prevention and intervention?

* Or how intensity of attachment could be either a temperament trait or a brain function instead of merely "victim labeling."

I am not only interested in the psycho-biology of the victim but how the psycho-biology affects patterns of selection and reactions in the most pathological of relationships. When we start really dealing with an open dialogue about these survivors, looking past ridiculous theories that asking questions is victim blaming, then maybe we can really offer some new theories into victimology that by passes band aid approaches to complex psycho-bio-social understandings. This is what The Institute intends to do. 

Sandra L. Brown, M.A. is the CEO and Founder of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education.

Is It Love or Attraction?

By Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

Too often our relationship selection is generated more from attraction than anything else. So knowing 'who' and 'what types' you are attracted to will help you understand your patterns of selection. Some people choose characteristics--helpfulness, humor, gentleness or on the other hand aloof, emotionally unavailable or bad boyz representing qualities they seem to be drawn to. Other people are more physical in their attraction and find the physicality of someone either a 'go' or a 'no.' Maybe you like blondes or blue eyes which drives your pattern of selection.

Unfortunately, sometimes “Traumatic Attraction" seems to drive our patterns of selection. Those who have been abused (especially as children) can have unusual and destructive patterns of selection. While this may seem the opposite of what you would expect from this kind of childhood history, these patterns are largely driven by unresolved trauma. People who were raised in alcoholic, dysfunctional, or abusive homes are likely to repeat those exact patterns in their selection of a partner. They often select individuals who have similar 'characteristics' to the abusive/neglectful/addicted adult they grew up with or were exposed to. The characteristics could be physical (how they look) or behavioral (how they act) or emotional (how they abuse/neglect).

The unresolved abuse issue drives them to selecting abusers for relationships. Today, they are mystified as to why they keep picking abusive/neglectful/addicted people for relationship partners. The rule of thumb in traumatic attractions is, "That which remains unresolved, revolves around and around through our lives until it is resolved."

So, when you have no idea that attraction (good, bad, or dysfunctional) is guiding your selections, you just keep picking the same way and getting the same thing. But because the world keeps using the word 'love' you use it too and you label your attraction-based-choices (that are largely dysfunctional) as 'love' and then you become confused about the nature of this thing called 'love' too.

Your attraction is NOT love. It is merely attraction. What DOES or DOES NOT happen IN the

relationship may be more reflective of 'love' than anything else.

Remember the saying, "Love is patient, love is kind, love does not seek its own..."? It helps to reflect how love is 'other centered' not in a codependent and frantic or needy way but in a way that helps others be interdependent in relationships. Love is often attributed to positive 'attributes' such as:

Joy - love smiling

Peace - love resting

Patience - love waiting

Kindness - love showing itself sensitive to others' feelings

Goodness - love making allowances

Faithfulness - love proving constant

Gentleness - love yielding

Self-control - love triumphing over selfish inclinations

--Source Unknown

"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims"

(From: Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)

The opposite of healthy love is what we often call 'toxic' love. Sometimes understanding what toxic 'looks like' helps us to see what real 'love' should look like too. Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. Toxic Love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie and Terence Gorski.)

1. Love - Development of self first priority.

Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.

2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.

Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)

3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.

Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.

4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.

Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.

5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)

Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."

6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.

Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.

7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.

Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.

8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.

Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.

9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.

Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.

10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)

Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)

11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.

Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.

12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.

Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.

13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment.

Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.

Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy to desire that. If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson.

Sandra L. Brown, M.A. is the CEO and Founder of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education.

Am I Under His Spell - Part III

By Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

In the past two columns we have been talking about trance states, dissociation, hypnotic suggestion, and mind control. These are all ways the pathological controls the mind, thoughts, feelings, and ultimately your behavior.

This is not hocus pocus stuff. Trance states, dissociation and hypnosis are all normal parts of the way our body and minds respond to certain physical and psychological conditions. The only argument is if these pathologicals KNOW they are doing it to others! My answer would be yes.  Since they are masters at noticing what works on other people, to that degree, they tweak what works and use it.

Additionally, you may be aware of the seminars, books, websites and now TV shows about "seduction" and the techniques that are taught men about ‘coming in under the radar’ by seducing women through hypnotic methods. My guess is that the pathologicals are teaching their findings to others, passing on the horrid knowledge of their own disorders, and how to covertly attract women subconsciously into sexual relationships. Appalling? You bet. Just one more big WAKE UP CALL for women to pay attention and guard your minds.

Trance, mind control, and hypnotic suggestion are also based on one's own level of "suggestibility."  This is related to how responsive you are to the suggestions and opinions of others. (You may think you are not suggestible. Most people believe they are not. But what determines suggestibility has more to do with temperament traits than your own thoughts about whether or not you are suggestible.) The more responsive you are (to others in general) the more suggestible and easily you are mind controlled or hypnotizable.  Your suggestibility is often influenced by your biology. Women who are highly cooperative and value how others perceive them are more likely to be more suggestible. Our research found that women in pathological relationships tested high in cooperation and valuing how others perceive them therefore we know that you have high suggestibility and are at more risk than other women. 

Additionally, a woman's fatigability highly influences her suggestibility.  Almost all women report high levels of emotional, physical, sexual, financial, and spiritual fatigue with pathological relationships. They take a toll on her, wearing her down until her emotional reserves that would normally not give in, are repressed. At that time when her fatigue level is high, her suggestibility is also high. Tired and spaced out, it's easy to get controlled by him.

Messages that are told to her during tired and spaced out times are recorded deeply and yet often subconsciously. "Can't get him out of your head?" is very real.

The women who participated in our research survey on "women who love psychopaths" showed us just how susceptible this group of women really are to suggestibility, fatigability, and the resulting mind control.  Almost all of the women experienced some form of trance, hypnosis, mind control of "spell bound" symptoms.

Women must understand that "staying in the relationship to figure it out" or "see what happens" or "wait until he works on himself and gets better" is absolutely risky for you. Your ability to be controlled covertly by him is significantly higher than other females. Until women really understand their "at risk" temperament traits and how they affect her choices and TOLERANCE in relationships, she remains significantly likely to either not leave or pick the same way the next time around.

Luckily, The Institute does provide in-depth recover and support services for those leaving pathological love relationships with narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths.  www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Why You Only Remember The Good Stuff of a Bad Relationship--Part II

By Sandra L. Brown

Last time I began discussing the reasons why women have a difficult time "remembering the bad aspects of the relationship." 

Women describe the sensation of only remembering the good times, the good feelings and being 'fuzzy' or sort of forgetting all the bad things he has done when they think of him. This process seems to be triggered by an emotional feeling (such as longing or loneliness) AND/OR by a memory or hearing his voice, seeing an email, etc. 

Last time we also discussed how good and bad memories are stored in the brain differently. Good memories are stored upfront and easily accessed. Bad memories are stored and compartmentalized in the mind and are harder to access (think of, for instance, child abuse memories and how people so often repress or forget these memories). 

This article we are going to talk about ANOTHER reason why you only remember the good stuff of a bad relationship. (This is covered in detail in the book 'Women Who Love Psychopaths.') The second reason is based on our own biological hardwiring. We are wired with a pleasure base that is called our Reward System. We associate pleasure with being rewarded or something 'good.' We are naturally attracted to pleasure. The pathological (at least in the beginning) stimulates the pleasure base and we associate that with a 'reward'-- that is, we 'enjoy his presence.' 

Pathologicals are also often excessively dominant and strong in their presence, something we have gone on to call 'Command Presence.' What we enjoy in him is all the good feelings + his strong dominate command presence. Being rewarded by his presence AND experiencing the strength of that presence registers as pleasure/ reward. Although he later goes on to inflict pain, pleasure or good memories, as we saw last time, are stored differently in the brain. 

Our brains tend to focus on one or the other and we have a natural internal 'default' to lean towards remembering and responding to our Reward System and pleasure. On the other hand, memories associated with punishment or pain are short lived and stored differently in the brain. They can be harder to access and 'remember.' When you experience pleasure with him (whether it's attention, sex, or a good feeling) it stimulates the reward pathway in the brain. This helps to facilitate 'extinction' of fear. 

Fear is extinugished when fear is hooked up with pleasant thoughts, feelings, and experiences (such as the early 'honeymoon' phase of the relationship). When fear + pleasant feelings are paired together, the negative emotion of the fear gives way to the pleasant feelings and the fear goes away. Your Reward System then squelches your anxiety associated with repeating the same negative thing with the pathological. 

The memories associated with the fear/anxiety/punishment are quickly extinguished. For most people, the unconscious pursuit of reward/pleasure is more important than the avoidance of punishment/pain. This is especially true if you were raised with pathological parents in which you became hyper-focused on reward/pleasure because you were chronically in so much pain. Given that our natural hardwired state of being is tilted towards pleasure and our Reward System, it makes sense as to why women have an easier time accessing the positive memories. 

Once these positive memories become 'intrusive' and the only thing you can think about is now the good feelings associated with the pathological, the positive memories have stepped up the game to obsession and often a compulsion to be with him despite the punishment/pain associated with him. 

These two reasons why bad memories are hard to access have helped us understand and develop intervention based on the memory storage of bad memories and the reward/punishment system of the brain. If you struggle with the continued issue of intrusive thoughts and feel 'compelled' to be with him or pursue a destructive relationship...you are not alone. This is why understanding his pathology, your response to it, and how to combat these over- whelming sensations and thoughts are part of our retreat/psycho- educational program. 

Remembering only the good can be treated!