Public Grieving. Yes or No?

by Cynthia Caron

I recently had a family member of a missing brother, located deceased, tell me that her family is unhappy that she exposes her soul in grief to her brother publicly online. Apparently his wife and children do not like that she always writes on his "missing page" her feelings and the family feels grief should be "private." It did not take me long to think about how to respond, after all I too turned "public" with my own grief in the passing of my mother 8 months ago, and I explained "It sounds like your family all grieve in different ways and may find it puzzling as to why you've chosen your way to grieve publicly?" I further explained, from my view, that one of the remarkable things about grieving online is that there is a world of support "at your fingertips" and it enables you to people who not only has experienced the same but also wonderful and kind words that you may never have heard before in your own small circle and family? Sometimes those words are the perfect messages of comfort that you never thought before which can help you through your grief."

There is something about sharing emotions and learning new and positive ways to cope that aids in the grieving process. This is not something new due to the internet, fact is many years ago entire villages used to gather to mourn the passing of another member of their community. All over the world there are different rituals and ceremonies built around public gatherings of strangers to mourn the loss of "one of their own." We too do this in many ways from gathering when a young soldier is killed overseas and his or her body returns to our towns and we do the same when we have public candlelight vigils for our missing as well as for tragic deaths that may have occurred in our towns. I think in my own personal life the first "event" I was exposed to with a public "gathering" was when President John F. Kennedy was shot and all homes gathered around their televisions and everywhere I went with my parents I saw the grief and heard the conversations. There was something comforting about having such a bond and seeing so many people "experiencing the same" and being able to talk about it. Public postings on social network sites, such as Facebook or Twitter, is another way of being able to reach out in a more personal level to others for comfort and solace. It does not mean one is not receiving it "at home" or that one is looking for "attention' it is merely one is using all tools available to them to gain insight and to bond and learn from others who have experienced the same…and every person who has ever had someone they love pass away can relate. I think it is a positive move towards healing and building self-awareness and is healthy.

In helping her, I suggested that perhaps her sister in law is not in the same place of grief as to where she is and maybe the public posting makes her feel "guilty" in some way that she cannot bring herself to post as she is not at that level, or *stage, in her own grief process, and perhaps she start a new page, or blog, and title it "My brother's in heaven?" This way her sister in law and nieces can decide if they wish to go and read, join in the postings…or not. What do you think? Do you think public grieving should be kept private?

To learn more about the 5-stages of Grief, and Complicated Grief, go to: http://lostnmissing.org/in-memory-2/

Cynthia Caron
President/Founder
LostNMissing, Inc.

NamUs-Victim Advocate (NH)

Phone: 603.965.4621
Cell: 603.548.6548
www.lostnmissing.com

LostNMissing Inc., is an all-volunteer national tax-exempt organization under section 501(c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Code (the "code") and qualifies as a public supported organization under Sections, or Categories: P99 (Human Services - Multipurpose and Other N.E.C.); M99 (Other Public Safety, Disaster Preparedness, and Relief N.E.C.); I01 (Alliance/Advocacy Organizations). LostNMissing is organized and incorporated under the laws of the State of New Hampshire. We never charge a fee for our services.

The Power of Media

By Lyn Twyman

Media is one of the most powerful tools that exists.  When organizations and the government cannot help, media continues to be one of the few resources left for citizens and those victimized.  When there's little money for lawyers and representation, media will always be there to help people fight back and make their voices heard.  We cannot be afraid to use this powerful tool to raise awareness and educate. 

Media enlightens, helps to unravel mysteries and documents history as it unfolds.  Whether we're looking at movies, documentaries, PSA's or the internet, media will always be there to bear public record of our plight, fight and spread our message far and wide when we're unable to break barriers otherwise.  Activists often use media to get the attention of agencies and politicians who will not step in to address an issue until it reaches a tipping point.

This October, Domestic Violence Awareness Month is used as the pivotal time of year for many groups to increase awareness about the issue.  But increased awareness should not come just one time a year.  It has to be an ongoing, collective effort within the entire field.  So I want to challenge all of us to take a new look at the way we utilize media to spread the message of our causes.  If you haven't developed your own media approach, you may want to consider it.  Media can be vlogs, blogs, websites, movies, documentaries, interviews, radio and articles.  You can broadcast or distribute your message locally, regionally, nationally or globally. 

Some of you may think you don't or won't have an audience for your message.  According to the CIA World Factbook, as of July 2009 there was an average of 6.8 billion people living on earth so you are bound to have an audience for your message.  But you don't want to just grab people's attention, you want to get people to really think about your issue by presenting them with a genuine message and offer solutions.

Celebrity Status

Some of you who run organizations may be thinking 'I need a celebrity to back my cause,' but you really don't.  While most people will gravitate towards celebrities, one thing to keep in mind is the moment they get involved in a crime or scandal, support for your cause can dwindle because the public has identified your cause with the celebrity instead of identifying your message and solutions you propose. So this goes back to the point I made previously that you don't just want to grab society's attention, you want to get society to make decisions and act.    Having a celebrity involved in any form of media always helps to draw attention to a cause and it's even more helpful when that famous person continues using their influence in society on a consistent basis for your cause.  Take for example, there is a long list of celebrities that support anti-violence but only a handful consistently goes into the community and do work for domestic violence. 

In addition, celebrities with the wrong message and execution can be just as damaging to a cause.  Take for example the video "Love the Way You Lie" with Eminem and Rihanna and the recent domestic violence PSA with David Arquette and Courteney Cox.   According to comments that were posted throughout the internet, both forms of media sent mixed messages to viewers, leaving some uncomfortable instead of drawing them closer to learn more about the issue.  Eminem and Rihanna’s gig may have portrayed “dual” domestic violence but it was oversexed and over sensationalized.  David Arquette and Courteney Cox used unclean humor that reminded many of sexual victimization and borderline gay jokes.  There's a difference between taking the public on an emotional roller coaster for mere publicity and actually delivering a message to bring transformative and impactful change to society.  You want people to be compelled to openly share your message.

So don't be over shadowed by Hollywood and think you have to be someone glitzed and glamoured in order to be heard.  Your cause DOES NOT need a celebrity but your cause does need YOU.  Real social changers that use media to help further a cause typically are not celebrities.  They start out as everyday people with a mission and a vision.    It's by their good works they are known and not by the money, the hair, the movie lines or Photo shopped pics that gets the job done. 

Audience and Messaging

Know your audience and make sure your message is sincere, genuine and relevant.  This may sound like common sense but what sounds good to you may not sound good to most of the people in your audience.  Try to picture yourself hearing your own message for the first time and objectively consider how it would make you react.  The message should be heartfelt and go beyond talking points.  What information do you have for your audience? How can they relate to the issue?  What do you want them to do about the problem? 

Your messaging should also be clear and consistent.  Avoid reinventing your message too often and execute new media campaigns at appropriate times.  You should be reaching your audience with a defined issue.  Your audience in turn is waiting to see what relevant information you will give them about the issue.  Sometimes the audience doesn't even know they need to hear your message.  People will also sense confusion in your own work when your messaging is not consistent and will start to not take you seriously when your messaging changes too frequently so take time to really study your message.

Beware of Snakes in the Grass

Occasionally, you'll run into activists, organizations and entertainment producers that are nothing more than snakes in the grass.  As much as we'd like to believe everyone in our field of activism has the right motives there are those few who truly do not.   Their goals are disingenuous and motives lead to victimization or the re-victimization of others.  Media influence is powerful; that's why it's a multi-billion dollar industry.  So when you're looking to launch a media campaign, don't use broad statements, hype words or name drop.  Many people make the mistake of putting out false information which can be verified and their creditability becomes questioned because of something they put into their own media.  Remember, just because a person says they are doing something doesn't mean they are really doing it so do your homework and check their statements, even other advocates.  Make sure that what you say you too are also doing so you don't become a snake in the grass yourself and lose your creditability.

I want to challenge all of us in the next year to increase our own media outreach.  Use your Youtube, Facebook, Twitter, website, blogs and tag your posts.  Reach out to your local newspapers, magazines, radio and t.v.  Don't wait for a celebrity, organization or the government; do it yourself. 

So tap into your list of contacts and see who can help you to get the word out and spread it.  If we keep speaking up and loud enough with the right message, the voices of mere individuals talking at once becomes a massive crowd of activists making a sound that cannot be ignored, becoming unified.  Most of all, survivors and families will get the help they need and deserve because people will begin to listen and act.

Lyn Twyman is the Founder of Courage Network, a community for domestic violence survivors, family & friends, advocates, professionals and organizations. 

Twitter and Facebook “TMI”—Watch What you Write!

By Michelle Simonsen

CONSIDER IT--IT'S POSSIBLE
 

If you are a Twitter or Facebook user, most of us are guilty of this.
 

TMI. Too much information.
 

“Hey all! I’m going to Chicago this weekend!” 

“I’m off to a party!” 

“Going on vacation for a week!” 

We innocently tell our “friends” what we are doing and where we are going constantly. Our society is at an all-time high with the insurmountable and overwhelming abundance of “information overload”. 

You are thinking, “It’s not a big deal….these are my ‘friends’, right?” 

I challenge you to look closely at your entire friend list on Twitter or Facebook. Sure, you’ve got your real “friends and family”, but I’d be willing to bet you have people listed as “friends” you barely know, are slight acquaintances with, or maybe just “internet friends” you “think” you know, but in reality DON’T know. 

One internet site discussed this very topic and a commenter wrote:
 

“My best friends are people I've met online. Met one on WoW and have known him for 2 years, and the other…I've known him for nearly 5 years. I feel closer to both of these people than anybody I know…and I don't see that ever changing.”
 

http://wowriot.gameriot.com/blogs/Nobbehs-world/Internet-Friends-Real-Life-Friends
 

Be honest with yourself. Do you really KNOW these people? Is the innocent “twittering” and “facebook updates” of your personal information getting into the wrong hands?
 

What if? 

“I’m going to a party at 222 Walnut St. tonight!” 

Suppose someone on your “friend list” sees the information of your evening excursion? What if this information becomes the direct cause of an assault, rape, robbery or any other criminal victimization against you?
 

What if? 

“I’m headed to Hawaii for a week! Can’t wait!” 

What if that “friend” reads that you will be gone for an extended time; right down to the details of when you will be gone, and when you will return. Knowing your house or apartment will be empty is a criminal’s dream come true. It’s not hard to locate a person’s address online; thus you may have a potential burglary at hand. 

By giving too much “TMI”, this will only set you up for a potentially bad or harmful situation. If you feel it necessary to tell friends you will be out of town or what you are planning on doing or going, think about emailing them individually. 

“Twitter” and “Facebook” are not bad things.  Just look at how you use it, become aware, and act responsibly.  You’re smarter than that, right?

Innocently Labeling Our Children

By Cynthia Caron 

Are we innocently labeling our children towards danger? As parents we love our children and naturally, as all parents do, we like to make our children proud of who they are and what they’ve accomplished.  At the same time, we are all a bit guilty of bragging. Why not? We’re proud of our kids, however, it’s important to not publicly display our children’s names on objects that are sure to catch the eyes of those we do not want to attract. Child predators.

Let’s start with the cute-looking families that are scrawled onto stickers that tend to appear on mini-vans and other vehicles. While these cute characters are..well, cute…they pose a serious danger due to divulging too much information.  To a watching predator they’ll learn that Johnny plays baseball, has a dog named Mitch and a sister named Lucy.  Worse are those that name the parents, Joe and Liz.  So now a predator has a means to approach your children.  Telling Johnny that his mom had an accident and that his dad, Joe, sent him to pick him Johnny and take to the hospital is a predator’s dream.  To further enforce his “reliability” he may say “Don’t worry about Liz as she is already on her way and my wife is staying at your home to walk and take care of Mitch.”

Labeling childrens clothing is a huge no-no.  Again, while cute and personalized it also makes the job of a predator much easier. Seeing Suzy walk to school and her name in bold lettering on her lunch box or backpack makes another ideal situation for a predator to make his move.

This is not only wise to not do for children, but also for teenagers as well.  There is nothing more personal than ones name.  When teenage girls display necklaces with their names written across their chest, it makes it much easier for one to use “personalization” to gain the confidence of a naïve or gullible teenager…especially should it be a nice looking 23 year old male with less than good intentions.

Advertising that a home has just been blessed with a newborn is another means that attracts unwanted predators.  Predators are not only child molesters but can also be those who wish to abduct children for whatever reason from black market baby sales to wanting a newborn child of their own. The worst form of advertising that exists are the “storks in the yard.”  This advertises to all the neighbors that finally the new little one has been born and how happy the family is to bring home little Molly, 6 pounds and  4ounces, home from the hospital!  However, this also is an enticing bit of news to those who may now begin to watch your home for the coming and going of traffic and make their move when they know the new exhausted mom is home alone.  Unfortunately, this has resulted in crimes that have been committed in which the mothers of newborns have been murdered and their new child abducted.  Please do not advertise that you have a newborn in your home.  Send those birth announcements to friends and relatives by mail, instead.

Tommy’s fort in the backyard is great! How about hanging a “no girls allowed” sign, instead of announcing your child’s name?

I’d like to make another important message to all those who Twitter and place their precious children into the public view.  Again, we all are proud parents and I especially want to discuss Twitter because there is an application that can actually take someone to the home of the Twitter user. Yes. You read that correctly.  When one announces on Twitter that they’ve finally given birth and all is well and are now proud parents of baby Sam, a predator can utilize an application that nearly pin points the home in which that Twitterer resides.  I’m not going to name the application as I don’t want to alert predators.  But I can assure you that they are out there and I’ve personally seen tweets made from specific locations that will appear on a map.  You then click on the Twitter icon and you will see who just made that new Tweet. You can then switch to Terrain and be able to zoom in clear to what street and approximation that the Twitter’s home is situated.  Now that is some scary tools that can be abused in many ways from stalkers to those who want to create malicious havoc.  I’ve seen Twitter applications that have actually shown the photograph of the home on maps pinpointing who just made that Tweet!  So please, be very careful about divulging too much information.  Especially announcing when home alone, children’s names and functions that you are about to attend.  The world does not need to know that you are about to take Melissa to soccer practice and that you’re totally bored as hubby is away for 3 days for a work convention!

We all have seen the “Baby on Board” cautionary placards that are displayed in car windows.  For one, they are obstructive to the drivers view in certain situations.  Another concern is that watchful eyes do not need to see a young mom driving solo with an infant in the backseat.  It wouldn’t take much to snatch mom’s purse while she is bent over trying to retrieve an infant out of the car seat  or worse… your infant snatched!  These really are not necessary because unfortunately a reckless driver is not going to sit up straight and pay attention because you are displaying a baby is on board placard. The less information you provide publicly…the better.

For more insightful tips and protecting children, please see http://www.lostnmissing.com/15.html . We have the “Seal of Approval” from the New Parent’s Guide and hope that you take the time to review other ways to help keep your children protected.  After all, as parent, it’s our job to be aware and to protect our children in every possible way

“Follow Your Passion-----------Crime of Passion”

By Jillian Maas Backman          

Funny how one word (passion) can transform a person’s reaction from radiance to rage in a matter of a few strategically placed phrases…..  I make this point to stress the importance of understanding how language transmits an energetic force into the world.  Think of how you felt when you first read this caption.  Was your initial reaction to the first phrase joyful and then engaging your mind with the second part, anger or confusion?

This written example demonstrates how powerful words- both written and spoken - create a reactionary energy inside each one of us.  In a time when communication technology is super heightened; texting, instant messages, social networking and more, our natural filtering seems to be at an all-time low.  Meaning, we say want we want, when we want and how we want without any consideration of the energetic transformation that piggybacks right along to the receiver at the other end. Eventually this pulls us energetically further and further apart from the feelings of empathy, responsibility and oneness from our neighbors, communities and eventually society. 

More often, all crimes of VIOLENCE start with vicious words towards each other.  This kind of word-full abuse slowly permeates into the soul of a human being from the inside out.  The result of this kind of word-filled energy attack leaves a person with feelings of self- worthlessness, powerlessness and pain, a true indicator of a slippery path to destruction of everyone directly involved. 

Assignment:

Be accountable for what you say, and present, to your loved ones this week.  Motivate yourself to replace old words with more elevated vocabulary choices, such as replacing victim with victor, survivor with thriver….

WORDS HURT.

Your profound awareness of this can change the world

one phrase at a time! 

In loving gratitude, Jillian