Chris, Rihanna, and What We Can Expect Now

by Roger Canaff 

If an adult, even a young one, can be labeled by his actions, Chris Brown is a violent, narcissistic thug. The savage, lengthy beating he inflicted on his then-girlfriend Rihanna in 2009 earned him a felony conviction, something not particularly common in the world of intimate partner violence. I saw quite a few of those cases as a prosecutor, many of them violent and damaging, but few other than homicides that merited the possibility of a prison sentence. It’s a possibility Brown avoided, but happily so for many adoring fans who still refer to that drawn-out, bludgeoning attack as a “mistake.”

Since that mistake, Brown has shown again and again an explosive, boundary-bereft side and a frightening inability to even fully control himself.

Now, for whatever reasons she has, Rihanna has chosen to request a relaxation of the protective order she was granted against him, and to collaborate with him musically. Collaboration may be all it is. Or, she may be entertaining a friendship or something more with her attacker, a circumstance often encountered if rarely justified. She was a blameless victim in the pummeling she endured, and since I know nothing of her personally I won’t seek to judge whatever reunification she’s navigating with Chris Brown now.

But I will judge the “Birthday Cake” remix she is releasing and on which Brown joins her, because it’s classless and crass, even by the standards of Rihanna who often objectifies herself sexually in her music. But what makes this first collaboration since Brown’s arrest and conviction far worse is the past that underscores it. What Chris Brown adds to the magic of “Birthday Cake” includes the lines “Girl, I wanna f--- you right now. Been a long time, I’ve been missin’ your body.”

Bravo, Chris! This is far more than an expression of what I suspect are your creative limits or your grasp of subtlety and real sexuality (which I rather enjoy, although I find it resonates more when it isn’t reduced to the sputtering of a worked-up child). It’s also a window into how you likely viewed this woman before you viewed her as a punching bag. She’s a toy as far as you’re concerned, and that’s how you want to treat her. First sexually. Then violently. Then sexually again.

Take a wild guess, dear reader, as to whether a pattern is forming here. 

Lewdness in pop music is a fact of modern life. Many would criticize Rihanna for the overt sexuality she injects into her music and speculate darkly from it on how she views herself. I won’t. Frankly, she has the right to engage her sexuality in any way she sees fit and I won’t impose my model or that of anyone else in an effort to judge her. What she does artistically and how it might affect the millions of girls who look up to her is best discussed elsewhere.

For now, what’s clear is that Rihanna, a beautiful and talented young woman, was beaten- breathtakingly- by a man who now joins her in a song in which he celebrates the idea using her like a plastic doll. That’s wrong on more than one level. Unfortunately, I doubt either of them have a clue.

A widely known child protection and anti-violence against women advocate, legal expert, author and public speaker, Roger Canaff has devoted his legal career to the eradication of violence against women and children.

Roger Canaff: Anti-Violence Advocate, Child Protection Specialist, Legal Expert Blog: WCSV (Women, Children, Sex, Violence: Outcry, Analysis, Discussion) www.rogercanaff.com

Related articles

• Rihanna Speaks Out About Working With Ex-Boyfriend Chris Brown (1015jamz.cbslocal.com)
• Rihanna Talks About Collaborating With Chris Brown!! (lukewilliamsgossip.wordpress.com)
• Domestic Violence Is Sexy (blogher.com)
• Vulnerabilty, Danger, and Blame (timesupblog.blogspot.com)
• Rihanna Explains Why She Teamed Up With Chris Brown (hellobeautiful.com)

IT HAPPENED IN CANCUN—ONE WOMAN’S VACATION NIGHTMARE

 By Michelle Simonsen

It all seemed to happen out of nowhere.  Tourism tragedies.  Of course they’ve been here all along, the media used them like gasoline that started fires under such unsolved tourist crime cases like Amy Bradley, George Smith, and “Aruba’s not-so-finest”, Natalee Holloway and most recently Robyn Gardner.  To this day, thousands are coming out of the woodwork wanting to share their stories. 

However, if you plan on leaving the country on vacation, do your homework.  When you leave the U.S., you leave all your American “rights” right back where you’re from on 123 Justice Street.  You are subject to each country’s laws and due processes.  It can take months for many foreign governments to glean information, and have been known to stall investigations knowing the victim will go home and let it go. 

A majority of tourist trappers are on the lookout for someone just like you.  They breed like cockroaches, un-relentless as blood hungry sharks.  They live where you vacation because there are so many victims to choose from, and violating you is part of the fun on their sociopath schoolyard.  They always flash you a smiling face before they go for the kill. 

In 2007, Rebecca Sinott, a married 38-year old North Carolina mother, thought she’d hit the jackpot when her 19-year old niece, Ashley, won a five-day trip to Cancun, Mexico.  Rebecca had never been out of the country, let alone on a plane.  This would be the trip of her dreams.  Little did she know it would change her life forever, only comparing it to a living horror movie. 

On their third night in Cancun, Rebecca and Ashley enjoyed dinner and drinks on one of many popular dinner/party cruises.  Until approximately 11:30 p.m., they enjoyed the warm air, the sound of the music and the serenity of the waves.  When the cruise ended they decided to check out a nightclub that was near their hotel. 

Along the way, they stopped at a convenience store next to their hotel.  As they approached, two security guards befriended both Rebecca and Ashley.  They identified themselves as Carlos and Javiar and offered the women a table in front of the store where they could “relax and chat”.  Rebecca pegged them as harmless locals, and so for the next hour they were telling them how exciting their vacation has been, how lovely Cancan was, and even exchanged stories about one another’s families and children. 

Carlos explained that he and Javier were security guards for a nearby night club and Carlos offered to show the women the inside, bragging about how they’ve hung out with bands such as “Guns-n-Roses”.  

Beginning to feel uneasy, Rebecca noted it was getting late and they would be leaving.  Their biggest mistake—becoming separated.  Rebecca agreed to look inside the club, while Ashley slowly headed back to the hotel waiting for Rebecca to catch up.  They separated for what could have been the final time. 

Rebecca recounts her nightmare, "I remember going into the club and looking around with Carlos and up until this point, no warning, no hint, no flirting, no touching, nothing to make me think anything other than I had met a nice gentleman security guard in Cancun.” 

"…After we came out of the club I remember saying 'thank you' and how nice it was to meet him [Carlos], so when he offered to walk me to the hotel for my safety, I never thought anything of it. And when he said, 'Here, let's cut through the club, it comes out in the back of the lobby,' I never doubted him. Once inside the club, we walked down a hallway and when I was in the back of the club, I remember coming to a locked door and asking him to unlock it." 

Rebecca continues her story. 

"I remember him saying, 'Give me what I want and I'll take you where you want to go!' I remember him wailing on my head with his fist and saying 'American Tourista' and 'you know you want it'. At one point, I could clearly see his face standing in the doorway and he was smiling at me, while he backhanded me across the face and knocked me to the floor. I remember him tearing at my top; I remember pushing him and saying, 'NO!  Don't do this!'  

“I remember grabbing his genitals and how his jeans tore at my fingernails as I tried desperately to hurt him enough to get him off me. I remember his face and his rage and his right hand coming at me and knocking me into a wall. Then I remember telling myself to lay still and act like I'm dead and maybe he'll go away. I remember the colors of the walls; I remember the blood, so much blood." 

Rebecca is found unconscious, raped, bruised and bleeding in the front of her hotel lobby.  She barely remembers her useless muted screams, “Go get Carlos!  He did this!  Ashley knows where he is!  Tell them!  Go get him!  Help me!” 

Conveniently (Hmmm?) Ashley recollects no one being able to speak English except for the ambulance driver, who quickly asked her, "How much money do you have?" A credit card was the only ticket to the hospital, where a rape kit was performed.   The “physicians” began to prep Rebecca for operations on her battered body not understanding what was going on to give consent.  She somehow managed call to her husband in North Carolina who cried, "Get out of there before they kill you! Get out of Mexico! Just come home no matter what! They are going to kill you! Don't trust anyone, come home!" 

With those words from her husband of 20 years, Rebecca, with the help of Ashley, refused medical service, and signed discharge paperwork that she couldn't see, let alone read.   Her hotel concierge hauled her off in a wheelchair and told her he would get her on a flight back to the states right away. 

As soon as Rebecca was back in North Carolina, she was rushed to a hospital, where she learned the extent of her injuries. She lost three teeth.  Both eye sockets and cheekbones were broken. Her nose was broken and had several broken ribs. She was left with over a dozen stitches, both inside and outside of her mouth, and another dozen around her left eye. 

Since this incident, Rebecca's life as she knew it has never been the same. She developed severe PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome) and debilitating depression for which she had to seek the assistance of psychiatrists and therapists using medications and therapy to help regain her life before Cancun. Adding insult to injury, Rebecca was fired from her job because she could not perform her duties the way she used to. 

Rebecca vowed to herself, and to countless other victims, that Mexico would not forget her name. She began to speak to anyone who would listen to her story - lawyers, politicians, the media, and the Mexican authorities.  In August 2007, North Carolina Senator Elizabeth Dole referred Rebecca's case to the U.S. Department of State with a letter stating that the U.S. Consular Agency in Cancun inquired with local police on her behalf and learned that a suspect had not been apprehended in connection with her case; however her case remains open. 

Rebecca eventually got in touch with Lydia Cacho Ribeiro who is a famous Mexican journalist, feminist and human rights activist. She receives daily death threats see: http://www.frontlinedefenders.org/taxonomy/term/111), from the direct work she does through her organization CIAM. “CIAM Cancun provides free legal advocacy, psychological attention, medical care, shelter and security, to victims of domestic and sexual violence as well as victims of trafficking. http://www.ciamcancun.org/eng/”

While Rebecca has never seen any justice, she realizes the odds of facing her rapist in any courtroom as slim to none. Nonetheless, she continues to talk and reach out to people to share and educate others about her life-changing ordeal.  

To any victim:  The unselfish act of putting yourself out there and sharing your message is the most important step for the development of long-term changes!  If you’ve ever been a victim while on vacation, speak out!  Be heard!  It may not change your situation, but it will be helpful for countless of others.  

Pay the knowledge forward.  It won’t cost you a cent.


Michelle Simonsen is an outspoken activist and true crime blogger well known for the grass-roots campaign,"Boycott Aruba," surrounding the time of the Natalee Holloway disappearance.

The Mainstreaming of Chaos

By Heidi Hiatt

“Real” housewives.
Bad girls.
Monster-in-laws.
Talk shows.
Tabloid-like court shows.

These are the new soap operas, the modern purveyors of chaos in American society. We have become captivated by hateful, violent, self-indulgent women without boundaries whose every outfit is worth more than the money it would take to feed several small Indian villages for a day. Their earrings are so extravagant that they appear to be chandeliers ripped from the ceiling of a hotel ballroom, and they have more shoes than Imelda Marcos. They overdo “glamour” to the point that it inhibits their natural assets.

If they were reading this, I’m sure I’d instantly be attacked with all manner of foul language and worn-out gems like, “you don’t know me!”, “talk to the hand!”, “you can’t judge me!”, and “how dare you!” No, I don’t know them personally. But I know the juvenile behavior and dysfunction they are spreading on TV, and they should be ashamed. The men who support and encourage this moral decay should be ashamed as well.

Yes, unlike some critics, I have watched a lot of these shows to figure out what the appeal is. I can see how they become addictive, and how some people feel more secure and normal, as one friend put it, after viewing their debauchery. Unfortunately part of these shows’ appeal (and profit) comes from the cycle of violence they engage in.

As in an abusive relationship, there’s a period in which tension builds between the characters, there’s an explosion of violence, and then a honeymoon period in which the characters make up and bond… until tempers flare again. The best thing that could happen to most of the women on these shows is to stay away from each other. Yet they seem addicted to the drama or hooked on the public attention they get for acting like volatile, backstabbing banshees.

The lifestyles of the women on these shows are portrayed as glamorous and exciting. The age-old lie that money can buy you happiness or class is plastered over every episode. Glamorous and exciting is not what I see though. I see pain. I see emptiness. I see wounded little girls who are still struggling through the effects of their parents’ dysfunction and in some cases, their own domestic violence.

It’s terrible that they have to drink so much to cope and brim with hate and anger to the point that they think it’s okay to attack each other physically and emotionally. Instead of stopping the cycle of violence they may have experienced themselves, they are ensuring its survival through normalizing it and showing the world that it is a way of life. They are letting this demon pillage the lives of their own families and encouraging it to thrive in the families of their viewers.

Whether they are survivors of violence or not, this is wrong. Ever since Jerry Springer came out twenty years ago, shows like these have taught young people that it’s normal to sleep with several different partners at once, have an entitlement mentality, not know who your baby’s father is, and expect your woman to come back to you after you’ve beat her up. Yes, these things would happen if there were no TV. But I would argue that their frequency has increased since the armpits of the airwaves like MTV started marketing them as the “real” world.

People, especially younger ones, tend to emulate what they are regularly exposed to. On that note, I began to wonder what possible appeal Jersey Shorecould have to teens and 20-somethings. So I finally forced myself to watch part of an episode. Basically, a bunch of cosmetically-enhanced attention seekers are thrown together in a house to see who will have sex and who will fight. One word says it all: vapid.

Just minutes into my experiment, amidst an alcohol-fueled club scene, one of the male cast members started screaming at one of the females because she wouldn’t do his bidding. He showered her with a string of epithets that were classic domestic violence offender lingo. Not long after, two other characters got into bed together while the others sat in the living room and discussed the seemingly random hookup.

If you asked these characters (or TV execs) what they think their effect on society is, they’d probably point out all the work they do for charity or how viewers want this. They might think of themselves as fashion icons, role models, or the men and women everyone else wants to be. They probably don’t consider or don’t care that their party-all-the-time lifestyles promote domestic abuse, sexual assault, and unwanted children.

Speaking of children, it seems that a lot of the people on these shows have children. I feel so bad for these kids because their parents’ lifestyles revolve around themselves. In many cases the kids seem like little trinkets, fashion accessories that are displayed at strategic times so others will see what “great parents” they are. I wonder how much of a priority these kids are given their parents’ hard-driving, endless adult social schedule.

Even more alarming is the dysfunction and violence these children are exposed to. In these shows dad takes a swing at the uncle, the uncle and his entourage verbally lambast dad with their limited vocabulary of mostly four-letter words, dad stalks the uncle by text, and on it goes. The mothers scream and claw at each other over Christmas presents and allegations of cheating and fraud abound. These poor kids are lacking consistent positive role models who can demonstrate mature behavior without resorting to violence.

There may also be psychological problems at play in some of these programs and there is definitely substance abuse. Some characters on these shows act like poster children for borderline personality disorder and narcissism. These are real disorders that need treatment and are not a joke. They are treated like a joke by these shows. Instead of the people exhibiting such symptoms seeking assessment and treatment, their aggressive behaviors are encouraged and then immortalized in “reunion” episodes.

There are a few women on these shows who seem sincere and genuinely concerned about others. The others seem to be the mean girls from high school, who think they are “all that” and make sure that everyone is mesmerized by their charitable efforts to reach “lesser” folk. That really encapsulates shows likeReal Housewives for me– women who never matured beyond high school. They have a herd mentality and whatever good they do is to promote themselves. They have a deluded view of their own beauty, not realizing how intensely ugly their backstabbing, loose ways make them.

While thinking about this whole “housewives” phenomenon, a verse from the Manufacturer’s Handbook entered my mind that makes the above point better than I can. Proverbs 11:22 says, “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion.” D’oh! Any questions?

Now I like pigs, but they do tend to get dirty and eat gross things. The author knew exactly what he was saying in this Proverb though and his thought is valid and timeless. These “real” women have a glaring lack of boundaries and continually return to volatile situations they should just stay away from. Some of the fellow cast members they call “friends” are more like two-faced enemies and whatever truces they call don’t last.

Friends are going to have problems from time to time; we’re human. Personally I wouldn’t keep going back to “friends” who are always trying to find fault and tear me down. Friends are there to accept you as you are and build you up. They’re your support network, your shoulder to lean on, your confidantes. They’re good for you.

If your “friends” continually violate your boundaries and/or don’t like you unless you act like them, let them go. That’s not a friend. That’s not respectful. They’re not interested in your success. You’re their entertainment, their punching bag, and their blood supply. They are vampires with empty tanks who try to quench their inner emptiness and feel better about themselves by sucking the life out of you.

There are other Proverbs that describe the self-absorbed, emotionally unbalanced dynamic that makes these shows so popular:

Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. (Proverbs 27:6)

A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand. (Proverbs 27:15 & 16)

Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. (Proverbs 21:9)

Those who trust in their riches will fall, but the righteous will thrive like a green leaf. (Proverbs 11:28)

For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. (Proverbs 5:3 & 4)

There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community. (Proverbs 6:16-19)

Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife. (Proverbs 17:1)

Seldom set foot in your neighbor’s house— too much of you, and they will hate you. (Proverbs 25:17)


I have a concept for a new TV show using the same cast members, and I might watch it. I’d like to see these people learn proper boundaries and respect. They should also be educated about domestic violence so those who need to can get out of their situations they’re in and stop portraying violent behavior as normal or as something “sophisticated” people do.

Many should learn to prioritize their lives and to be better examples for their children. They should learn to fight back against the dysfunction and denial that engulf them. Some should receive treatment for alcoholism and drug abuse. They need to learn that they don’t need alcohol to have fun or survive a social gathering. They need conflict management skills.

Ultimately, I feel bad for these people. All their showy wealth and social gatherings can’t give them what they really need. They can’t expect other people, or material things, to fill a God-shaped hole in their heart. The acceptance and love they so desperately need isn’t going to come from one more boyfriend, or one more round of holding a drink above their head and shaking their hind end while saying “whoo!” Only their Heavenly Father can do that for them.

I appreciate the material gifts God provides as well as fashion. I’m not a Puritan who dresses in sackcloth and believes deep spirituality only comes from deprivation. I’m not criticizing those who watch these shows but the people on them. I just don’t like how the housewives, monster-in-laws, Kims, Parises, and other attention seekers whose need for fame has kicked into overdrive as they compete for magazine covers and screen time have become “worthy” of imitating.

What these people are doing is teaching a generation of young men and women that violence, abuse, and self-destructive behavior is normal. Their public personas are mainstreaming chaos, and not only is it harming relationships, families, and the self-image of other Americans, it makes our enemies hate us even more.

Normalizing domestic violence, substance abuse, a lack of boundaries, aggressive behavior, mental problems, and standing idly by while others are being abused is fueling an increase in narcissism. It is a rot in the fibers of our society. This “me me me me me me me” crap may be an exciting roller coaster ride of drama, but it’s a setback for women and for civilization. I challenge these reality stars to get public control of their demons and to start reaching out to the lives such chaos destroys.


We live, in fact, in a world starved for solitude, silence, and private: and therefore starved for meditation and true friendship. -C.S. Lewis

Heidi Hiatt, MA recently graduated as a Forensic Psychologist.  You can read more of her posts at her personal blog, Truth, Justice, and All-American Allergen-Free Apple Pie Straight Talk in a Crooked World

And Women’s Souls Too. . .

By Charles Moncrief

These are the times that try men's souls: The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of his country; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. ~Thomas Paine, “The American Crisis” (1776-1777)

 Thomas Paine’s context was the American Revolution, a time of incredible hardship. Bear with ol’ Tom; the Enlightenment had not yet matured to gender neutrality. ‘Nuff said. We have many other things to worry about than political correctness.

 The debt rating of the United States of America has been lowered, so for the first time in the nation’s history the words “full faith and credit” are in a shadow rather than casting one. Jobs are no longer secure, bank accounts are no longer safe, contracts are no longer iron clad. Stock and currency markets sank in quicksand. The ship of state is listing at angles few thought imaginable.

 No talk here about why all of this upheaval is happening. What’s far more important is that all of this upheaval is happening. It’s a powder keg, and the fuse is short. The heat wave and drought are almost enough in themselves to light the fuse.

 Let me be clear. The violence I'm writing about here is not about rioting in the streets, with some multinational peacekeeping force brought in to quell an insurrection. Rather, I'm referring to violence in the homes. In the language of terror readiness, every home with more than one resident needs to be on a heightened alert level. Hospital ER staffs around the nation have extended their usual August warning about the Knife and Gun Club meetings from Friday-Saturday nights to 24 x 7. They were already ramped up in some locales due to the record numbers of consecutive 100-degree days. But the ramps became steeper when the United States lost its prestigious debt rating.

 Consider this. Dad comes home from work after hearing that the company is going to hold onto cash rather than pay a bonus. Mom comes home from work after hearing that her caseload is going to remain high, as the firm decided not to hire that qualified assistant for her. The teenager comes home after nearly wrecking the car when some adult cuts him off in an act of road rage. Tensions are high, and annoyances are intolerable. Everyone wants to talk about the rotten day it’s been, and nobody wants to listen.

These are the times that try men’s souls.
These are the times that try women’s souls.
These are the times that try teens’ souls.
These are the times that try children’s souls.

 Let me offer some more of Thomas Paine’s wisdom. He wrote of “the sunshine patriot” in the time of crisis. Rather than encourage you not to be a sunshine patriot, I'll presume to remind you that you are not any such thing. Believe it or not, you’ve likely been through worse crises already in your lives. Sure, it’s hard to be objective when you’re looking at current conditions from the inside.

 Nobody is trying to sugar-coat anything here. Nobody is trying to minimize our nation’s crisis here. (It’s actually a world-scale crisis, but that’s an academic point now.) But take a look around you and just give some thought to ways you can respond most effectively. Starting in your home, can you ramp up your alert level by including additional measures of patience and forbearance? Can you take just one more deep breath, and maybe count to eleven rather than ten before responding in rage to that comment? Can you listen just a little more attentively to what that other person is going through? Can you make some plans for tomorrow afternoon’s homecoming, to make it even slightly more peaceful and supportive than today’s?

 It’s been said that charity begins at home. But sometimes it’s tolerance that may need to get some space as well. Remember, husbands and wives, when you took your wedding vows. You didn’t promise to feel love toward the other person; your promise was to act lovingly whether you felt like it or not. Wouldn’t this be a good time to put some of this into practice just a little more than in the fair-weather times?

 Wow! Talk about the times that try our souls!

 Grace and Peace, Charles+

How did I get to this point in my life? Fisherman. Writer. Artist. Gun Toter.

By Karen Rae Elkins

I'm a fisherman, not a policeman. Yet in this rapid river of increasing violence, I've learned that sometimes the police are not necessarily there to uphold the laws when taking another report of intimate partner violence. I'm not saying there are not good cops out there. Policemen are like fish, Some are predators in pursuit of right over wrong. They hunt to feed justice. Some are like the trout or perch. They bring a taste of color and hues of deep thought in an upstream battle. And then... well some are just plain bottom feeders, sucker fish. When I fish, I'm after the predator called a bass. When I pull up a bottom feeder,  I get this girlie yuck feeling in the pit of my stomach. I will often just cut the line on a bottom feeder.

I'm going to talk about the bottom feeders of our men in blue. Bottom feeders have their place. If for no other reason, it's to teach you the serious lesson of forgetting what others may think of your situation. There's more to life than what a bottom feeder thinks. I just want you to go into a Police Station with your eyes wide open. Pulling into the parking lot of a police station takes courage. Some will look at you with total disgust or their eyes will look anywhere but directly into your eyes. While others rarely listen to what you have to say. Often times you must repeat the same sentence three maybe four times, or worse they question the event as if it really didn't happen. I've heard stories of Investigators suggesting that a woman actually beat herself up to claim violence. Any woman who would beat them self up has crushing psychological issues beyond those of violence, and sadly it does happen. However, it is rare. Most women, like me, avoid pain. Think about it like this, most would prefer to focus on anything but a mixture of pain stirred in with humiliation, trauma, and disbelief.  Please don't for any reason, avoid documentation because the police officer could be a bottom feeder.

Bottom feeders are there to clean up after the violence and do as little as possible. It's their nature. You know, when the woman has lost her life because the police didn't follow up or follow through because to them, "it's just another day at work". Bottom feeders abuse their position. A therapist once told me, "Never date a policeman, they are deceptive." I guess that bleeds into trusting them with your life.

When you leave the station pay no attention to the thoughts that they are talking about you. Without a shadow of a doubt they are using colorful words to describe you. Tell yourself, who cares? You've done what you set out to do. Report an incident. It's your paper trail. Just whatever you do, make sure the documentation is correct. If the officer didn't get the report correct, ask for another report. What else does he have to do but breathe air and eat donuts. Bottom feeders.

I'm a writer, but some words are not worth the paper they are written on. Three words come to mind.: Protection From Abuse. The worst thing you can do is to isolate yourself from the facts. If you find yourself reporting acts of violence, you my friend, are in danger. In the film, Enough,  J Lo is at the police station to help "a friend" with violent husband. In reality it is her that is in the violent marriage. The officer instructs her to tell the "friend" to file for a protection order against her husband. She responds, "And what is she suppose to do with the paper when he shows up? Throw it at him? Do Protection Orders perpetuate more violence? As best I can tell, it's a flip of the coin. Heads it does, tails it doesn't. There is one silver lining, but it alone won't keep you safe. There is a Federal law, an act that  bans shipment, transport, ownership and use of guns or ammunition by individuals convicted of misdemeanor domestic violence, or who are under a restraining (protection) order for domestic abuse in all 50 states. Don't make it easy for him to turn a gun on you. Have his gun rights taken away.

Other papers are worth their weight in gold. Start a journal and an on-line journal of your journey back to you. I always say when you come to a fork in the river, take it. This blog is as much for me as it is for the woman who wonders what life is like after the escape from violence.  It seems that everyone wants you, the victim, to prove or answer to his actions. Should you ever end up in court, or apply for a new Social Security number, or faced with filing an Evidentuary Will and Abuse Affidavit, your documentation can be used to help your memory. Trauma and violence can blend memories or worse, there are some things you'd rather forget. The journal will help keep the facts in somewhat order. The Coalition Against Domestic Violence suggested that I keep a journal of my travels so that if I went missing, the police, hopefully not the bottom feeder kind, could use it to help locate me. Each morning when I have my first cup of coffee, I jot down my daily activities, well sometimes. 

I'm an artist, I should not have to draw a gun. I'd rather draw flowers or butterflies. I'd rather capture a sunrise on the lake with my camera. Artist are known for their "non-violent" beliefs. We would rather live life on the edge of creativity, not the verge of destruction.  However, non-violence, doesn't mean I have to give up my right to protect myself. I made the decision to exercise my Second Amendment Right, the Rights to pursue FREEDOM.  I urge you to do the same. I'm reminded of a quote from my first blog with Time's Up. There is no freedom without the truth. The truth is "If I'm going to die at the hands of a violent man, I'm going to die fighting." I'm free from the spell of defenselessness. 

I had a wake up call. I was followed into my neighborhood late one night. I had stopped the pattern of no pattern home. I let my guard down. I had become comfortable just driving the same route.  There were no cars on the road in the small town. Most people were sleeping. I pulled into the right lane to merge onto the two lane highway. There wasn't a car in sight. I drove maybe six-tenths of a mile and turned my blinker on. All of a sudden, out of no where, the inside of my SUV lit up. The car behind me almost rear ended me. I turned to escape a crash and the car turned behind me. There was maybe 12 inches between our bumpers as I drove through the neighborhood. My mind went blank and my body numb with fear. All I could think is, "Is this the end of me"? I grabbed my cell phone and flipped it open to dial 911 and realized they couldn't save me. At this point they all became bottom feeders. I avoided a near miss that night. I realized then that I should have been reaching for a gun not a phone.

If you put him in jail, he's going to eventually get out of jail. Then what? I've searched out every law of protection and found the laws to be faulty. Except for the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution, all of the laws have loopholes designed to protect the guilty. Protection comes in the form of a gun for women who want to live. Don't believe the lie that you will become the victim of your own gun. The reports are false. Honestly, if I had not searched out every option, every avenue available to me, I would not be writing this blog. It's time to take back the power that has been stolen by our courts, judges, and the offenders. It's a right for a reason. 

Take a gun safety class. Enroll in a local gun club or shooting range. Listen to your instructors.  A 22 caliber handgun isn't the ideal gun for protection. Go ahead and spend your money on a gun that will defend you.  Apply for a concealed carry permit. Obey the laws and know the laws. Size matters when it comes to guns. Get a handgun that fits your hand. Learn to clean it the same day every week while you watch Nancy Grace report on other women who didn't have the chance to defend themselves. Buy a second gun. Your life depends on your ability to fight back. Do you really want to go into battle with just one gun? Buy a shotgun for your home. The spray will cover a large area. Make up your mind before he ever shows up at your home to do the right thing. He has no business at your home. His past abuses carry the weight of his intentions. And just like a target, aim for the center mass. "There are no dangerous weapons. There are only dangerous men."

If he finds me now he will find me standing behind cold metal. Why? Because I can. Though defensive violence will always be 'a sad necessity' in the eyes of men of principle, it would be still more unfortunate if a wrongdoer should prevail over the just. In 1998 one study reported the use of a gun by women in 12 cases of defense against intimate partner violence. In all 12 cases the man died. TWELVE. Yet, one in four women have been at the wrong end of a fist. We as women often send the wrong message. It's our nature to nurture, not pick up a gun. The day has come to redefine that mindset. Because, we can nurture ourselves, we will survive by all legal means. Redemption can come at the end of a gun.

Remember, "A woman who demands further gun control legislation is like a chicken who roots for Colonel Sanders." I'm not a chicken, I'm a fisherman, a writer, an artist and a gun toter. 


Just one question. Is toter really a word? 


Fish Steady in all you do. karen

Fishing on Facebook For Victims Rights

By Karen Rae Elkins


"America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves" says former US President Abraham Lincoln. Our rights seem to fade with every report of violence. The law doesn't always guarantee justice. Scores of abusive people walk the streets every day: from strangers to relatives.

There is never an excuse for Domestic Violence. EVER. Why do people question the person, usually a woman, for staying? Maybe, a more direct question should be asked, "When is it ok to hit a woman?"  NEVER.

There is too much focus on the victim of abuse and the "whys" and too little on a criminal who walks among us.  Hitting a woman is a crime, period. If you are man enough to hit a woman, you are man enough to go straight to jail.

I got a head's up from friends about a social group called " Reasons when its acceptable to punch a woman in the face,"  Growing up in a newspaper family and later working for a newspaper, the freedom of speech was explained to me as a born right.

Words are powerful. Words determine the way you think. The way you think, determines the way you feel. The way you feel, builds images in your mind. Those images produce an action.

What would you do?  I was torn. Which side of the coin would I chose? Do I protect my rights as a writer/artist and ignore the facebook page? Or, do I protect women from all forms of violence? What if someone deemed my blog as hatred and used my words against me? How would I feel? What if I did nothing and a woman who is currently in a violent situation realizes that her abuser is a fan of the Facebook page? How would I feel? The criminal among us has just been validated for illegal behavior. It's just not good policy to promote and make light of a situation that often results in a violent death for others.

I checked for friends in common! SSSShhhew, There were none. However, the page had over 20,000 fans. The group was brutal. There was a list of 60 reasons. The admin claimed it was a joke as he stated in reason #59:

Acceptable Reason 59, "Making and joining a petition group to take this group down for promoting violence when its clearly a joke :P"  In his closing statement he removed reason 60,  *The last joke removed cus it went too far* and as you read these, remember someone who abuses their partner isn't worth anything but despise."

Advocates against violence spend long hours undoing the effects of violence. Jokes don't usually hurt, they produce laughter. I questioned my feelings. Was I too close to the situation to be objective?

I was not willing to let this sleeping dog lie. There was nothing funny about threats of violence.

Isn't that the way violence starts, a simple threat?  Anyone who hits a woman will do just about anything.

The group was removed from facebook within days. On that day, many advocates could breathe a sigh of relief and say "Gotcha"!  Ah... that is such a fishing phrase. You see, we are all fishermen in one respect or another. Some fish for victims of abuse, others fish for a cure for cancer. While yet another group champions children's issues or the soldier who volunteers for service in our Armed Forces because he believes in America.

I chose not to re-publish many of the acceptable reasons to hit a woman in my article. They have said enough. Remember, I believe there is no reason ever, to hit a woman. The admin mentioned "the last one removed cus it went too far". They opened the door so I'm going to close it. You be the judge.

Acceptable Reason # 60. ONLY REASON TO NOT HIT A WOMAN IN THE FACE…when she’s pregnant…..punch her in the stomach.

I wonder? When did doing the right thing, become wrong? What happened to chivalry? Where is the love?

Enough said, It's time to just go fishing for bass in the lake I grew up on... breathe a sign of relief and say to the bass, "Gotcha."  

Time's Up until next time, fish steady. Love, Karen 

The Predictability of Pathology

By Sandra L. Brown

Over and over again women say "You are describing my relationship EXACTLY"
or "He has said those exact words to me!" Or "how do you know what my relationship
is like--how can you know this?" Contrary to some beliefs, I'm NOT psychic!

I accurately describe people's relationships because to a certain extent, parts of
pathology and their behavior is predictable. In the last blog, I listed a check list of their
frequent behaviors. Pathology is related to certain personality disorders and each one of these personality disorders has it's own set of behaviors and dysfunctions. To know the personality disorder is to know the behavior--either now or in the future. This is why Public Psychopathy Education is information for everyone because anyone can learn to predict, to a certain extent, the kinds of behaviors that are likely from the pathological in their life.

Each personality disorder has it's own set of behaviors and additionally, pathology
is related to:

a. The inability to sustain postive change
b. The inability to grow to any authentic emotional or spiritual depth
c. The inability to develop deep insight about their negative behavior and how it affects others

So once you understand the behaviors related to the personality disorder then you
apply the 'Absolutes of Pathology' -- the inability to change, grow, or develop insight
and you can pretty much take his behavior now and apply it to the future in ANY
relationship. His behaviors related to his specific personality disorder are permanent.
If someone can not grow or change then his behaviors aren't going to change. If his
behaviors aren't going to change he will be the same today as he was 10 years ago in
a relationship and will be the same 20 years from now. If he doesn't have the ability
to develop insight about his behavior then I can pretty much tell you what it's like
to communicate with someone who can't 'see' his own faults.

Our goal in Public Psychopathy Education is for others to understand that you TOO
can learn to loosely predict pathological behavior based on past or current behavior. Once
you understand the symptoms of the personality disorder you can expect these behaviors
to continue.  The more you understand the Absolutes of Pathology the more clearly you
can understand what his future is likely to hold for himself and others in his life. It isn't
hard to predict something that doesn't change!

The exception to that rule is when violence is or has been involved. Pathologicals
with violence issues can be erratic and unstable. Predicting their ability to be currently
'non-violent based' on past non-violent episodes is too risky and he may not follow the
patterns he normally follows. For people with impulse control problems that are linked
to pathology/personality disorders then you have to assume there is always the risk of
violence.

Additionally, pathologicals who are addicts are hard to predict because of the instability of the person in an addiction. Addictions are realted to higher levels of violence. With violence, sexual offenses or addiction the rule of thumb is that the predicitbility factor is likely to be too risky to judge. When in doubt--doubt his predictability in violence, addiction or sexual offenses.

Otherwise, pathology is fairly easy to call. When someone doesn't change, the best
predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you're wondering what your pathological
was like in the relationship before you or will be like in the one after you, just gauge
everything from where he is today. It's that simple and that sad.

www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

“Follow Your Passion-----------Crime of Passion”

By Jillian Maas Backman          

Funny how one word (passion) can transform a person’s reaction from radiance to rage in a matter of a few strategically placed phrases…..  I make this point to stress the importance of understanding how language transmits an energetic force into the world.  Think of how you felt when you first read this caption.  Was your initial reaction to the first phrase joyful and then engaging your mind with the second part, anger or confusion?

This written example demonstrates how powerful words- both written and spoken - create a reactionary energy inside each one of us.  In a time when communication technology is super heightened; texting, instant messages, social networking and more, our natural filtering seems to be at an all-time low.  Meaning, we say want we want, when we want and how we want without any consideration of the energetic transformation that piggybacks right along to the receiver at the other end. Eventually this pulls us energetically further and further apart from the feelings of empathy, responsibility and oneness from our neighbors, communities and eventually society. 

More often, all crimes of VIOLENCE start with vicious words towards each other.  This kind of word-full abuse slowly permeates into the soul of a human being from the inside out.  The result of this kind of word-filled energy attack leaves a person with feelings of self- worthlessness, powerlessness and pain, a true indicator of a slippery path to destruction of everyone directly involved. 

Assignment:

Be accountable for what you say, and present, to your loved ones this week.  Motivate yourself to replace old words with more elevated vocabulary choices, such as replacing victim with victor, survivor with thriver….

WORDS HURT.

Your profound awareness of this can change the world

one phrase at a time! 

In loving gratitude, Jillian