10 Reasons Why I Stayed in a Violent Relationship

By Heidi Hiatt

“So why didn’t you just leave?” The question hit a nerve somewhere near my third thoracic vertebra and sizzled in my right cheek like an antagonized hornet.

That question. I hate that question. I’m tired of that question. But I try to use that question to give people a crash course in the dynamics of domestic violence because they might end up saving the life of a victim. Everybody knows somebody.

When you’re in an abusive relationship, chances are you can’t just leave. You’ve heard me say it many times– the risk of homicide goes up 75 percent when you leave an abusive relationship. Your abuser might not want you anymore, and has tried to make you feel like the most vile, undesirable piece of filth on the planet, but let me tell you something– they still want control over you. Some will do anything to keep it. Anything.

There are some fantastic lists online that detail why victims of domestic violence stay, such as the LAPD’s Domestic Violence: Reasons Why Battered Victims Stay With the Batterers. I strongly suggest becoming familiar with this material because, if it hasn’t happened already, you’re going to catch wind of domestic violence close to you sometime and that person will need your help. Their life could depend on it.

All of the possible reasons a man or woman might stay in an abusive relationship won’t be listed here. I do want to expound on ten reasons victims don’t just leave. Please understand that reasons vary from victim to victim; one size doesn’t fit all.

1. The victim doesn’t understand that what they are experiencing is abuse. 

Growing up, I never realized that what was happening to my siblings and I was technically abuse. We didn’t know we could call 911, or tell an adult who could have involved the authorities. We thought it had to happen all the time or cause long-term physical injury. We knew that it was wrong, but we didn’t know we could have done something about it other than try to get family members to listen.

Recently I became aware of an incident in which the abuser told his daughter that if she sought help, nothing would happen because, “it’s not abuse unless it leaves a mark.” She is being conditioned to accept several types of abuse as normal and legal. This is what abusers do– they rationalize their behavior and remind you that it’s not as bad as you think it is or what you think it is. They often claim to be disciplining you, but their bursts of screaming rage, whether hands-on or hands-off, are ultimately meant to satisfy their own need for power and control.

Many of you are familiar with the Power and Control Wheel. Think of the wheel as a pie. Many people define domestic violence/abuse as physical violence. Abusers like you to believe that, because then they can raid your bank account, tear you down emotionally, sleep around, and threaten to slit your throat while you think there’s nothing you can do about it. Physical violence is just one piece of the pie. Get familiar with the other pieces so that you understand what’s going on. Domestic violence often starts in one part of the pie and moves to another, or gradually becomes the whole pie.

2. The victim doesn’t understand the cycle of violence. 

There are often three phases of domestic violence. Tension builds, the abuser explodes, and then the honeymoon phase sets in. Because of the honeymoon phase, a period in which the abuser may seem calm, apologetic, or remorseful, victims can be lulled into believing that life has gotten better and their abuser’s changed. But they must understand that the cycle will continue if not stopped, and that fragile appearance of peace is just the calm before the next storm.

Remember in the Tina Turner biopic What’s Love Got to Do with It when Ike Turner brought her presents after strangling and sexually assaulting her? That’s one manifestation of the honeymoon phase. It’s the time during which your abuser convinces you to stay because they don’t do it all the time, or the makeup sex was intense, or they went to counseling. Maybe they bought you a nice present, brought you flowers, or worked some overtime to pay some bills. You start to think that it’s not so bad and because it doesn’t happen all the time you’ll get through it.

Get off the fatal merry-go-round. Connect with a domestic violence advocate in secret, make a safety plan, and document what’s happening. If your abuser was serious about change he wouldn’t keep hurting you. Don’t let others convince you how dangerous he is or isn’t or whether or not he’ll escalate– you already know, deep down, that this is serious and it always repeats.

3. The abuser has brainwashed the victim into helplessness. 

You’re not hot anymore. You don’t dress sexy anymore. You’re not the svelte single digit size you were when you married him 15 years and three kids ago. You’re book smart, but you have no common sense. You could never survive on your own. You’ll have to leave the kids and pets behind if you go. No one will help you. No one will hire you. No one else would want an ugly, stupid ____ like you.

Millions, even billions, of victims hear these vicious jabs on a regular basis. This is everyday life in households across America and the world. After days and weeks and years of hearing how horrible you are, you start to believe the lies. The stress of constantly being told how inadequate you are doesn’t motivate you to eat heathier, go back to school, or work out, it makes it all worse.

Mental manipulation is like the sonic screwdriver in the abuser’s toolbox. They can bust it out anytime, anywhere, and use it to harm you, charm you, disarm you, or alarm you. Hear this: God made you a unique individual with a special purpose. You are beautiful to Him. Start listening to who He says you are and stop believing the lies that are pounded into your head mercilessly. You are worth so much more than this. You are not who your abuser says you are. Get help now.

4. The victim has conflicting emotions. 

You married them because you loved them, right? You still love them. It’s not the same as it was in the beginning, but you promised your life to this person. Because you love them, you want to make it work. They’re a selfish narcissist who terrorizes you and the kids half the time, but you know that good guy from your early days of dating is still in there somewhere.

You might have this argument with yourself many times while deciding what to do about an abusive situation. The thought of breaking that bond can be overwhelming when you love the person. As Sandra L. Brown often points out at her Institute for Relational Harm Reduction website, the feelings you have for a pathological personality (narcissist, sociopath, etc.) can be especially intense.

Ask yourself this: is it worth your life? Is there some unwritten rule that says if you love someone you’ll hang in there no matter what horrors they inflict on you, your kids, and your pets? God loves you more than anyone, and God doesn’t approve of you being terrorized, threatened, or beaten.

You might always have feelings, in some form, for that person. Or, like many of us who’ve gotten away from unhealthy relationships, you come to see the relationship realistically over time and realize that’s not what true love looks like. True love– a love that builds you up rather than draining you– could still be out there.

5. The victim has been convinced that their culture and/or religion does not allow them to move on. 

I wrestled with just such a theological argument for years. Some influences in my life had taught me that if you are divorced– no matter the reason– God will never, ever allow you to be married again. Even though I knew I had to get out, it seemed that I might have to live the rest of my life as a barren widow, practicing some sort of eternal faithfulness to someone who was already doing whatever they wanted.

“God hates divorce.” Yes He does. It’s in the Manufacturer’s Handbook. But God also hates evil and calls us to separate ourselves from it. Domestic violence isn’t a trivial trial incidental to marriage. It’s a sin. It’s wrong. It’s sick and selfish and sadistic. It allows the abuser to act as god rather than honoring the real God by honoring our spouse.

Unfortunately, the first place domestic violence victims go for help is often the last place they can find it– the church. This damning judgmental legalism you heard about in my Blaming the Victims post is pervasive in God’s house. Far too often, when victims speak to someone in the church about what’s happening to them, the first thing that happens is they’re counseled as to how THEY could make it better!

Pastors and priests need to understand that the first thing they should be concerned about when domestic violence comes up is the safety of the victims. The victim should not be guilted or burdened more than they already are. They shouldn’t be told to act more perky, make nicer dinners, or submit to their abuser more. They don’t need to be sat down with their abuser as if both of them need to humble themselves and make concessions. That’s aiding and abetting the abuse. What they do need is practical help from an advocate or agency who will consider their safety first and worry about the relationship later. Hook them up.

Domestic violence is wrong. Many aspects of it can result in criminal charges. I call on the church to stand united against it rather than taking the easy or uneducated out of making victims think they have to keep enduring it. That’s not Christian. That’s crazy.

6. The victim does not have enough resources to leave. 

This is a common problem. A victim may be financially dependent upon their abuser. Perhaps the victim doesn’t work, or makes less money, or is primarily responsible for the children. The thought of walking away with little or nothing keeps many trapped. They don’t know how they’ll survive. How do you eat? Where do you sleep? They might have heard that 40 percent of homeless women are homeless because of domestic violence (this is true in my area).

This last year, a group of coworkers got together to furnish an apartment and buy necessities for a woman and her children in this situation. They’d left the abuser with the clothes on their back and their toothbrushes. That’s it. Thankfully we live in a region where a lot of nonprofits, churches, and agencies will connect victims with resources to get them back on their feet. Many aren’t as blessed. But don’t assume there’s no way out– talk to an advocate or agency to find out what help might be available. And again, remember that it’s not worth your life.

7. The victim feels ashamed of or embarrassed by the abuse. 

Admitting that you’re a victim can be much more difficult than it sounds. A victim might think that speaking out or leaving screams failure. Disconnecting from a dangerous, toxic relationship is not a failure, but a victory. When you become free from the soul-sucking, potentially fatal chains that have held you down, you discover that there’s a whole world out there you were missing. Life blossoms with possibilities and you achieve things you never could have dreamed while someone else was drowning you.

You might process all sorts of confusing emotions while making it to safety, and your life might be peppered with negative people who treat you like you didn’t do enough. You know what? They need to work on their own issues, one of which is dissecting other people’s lives while ignoring the issues in their own. Hypocrites are hypercritical. Focus on the successes you have and that will come, not the coulda shoulda wouldas.

8.  Fear. 

Plain and simple, fear is legitimate and justifiable in the context of abuse. We might be afraid of being murdered if we leave, which is why documentation and safety planning are so important. We might be afraid of what people will think. We could be afraid of the unknown. We could be afraid because we have no idea what to do next. The thought of being alone can be terrifying as well.

Ace pilot Eddie Rickenbacker aptly stated, “Courage is doing what you are afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you are scared.” As bestselling author Gavin de Becker says, fear is a gift, an instinct that can alert us to danger. So pay attention to that fear even when it doesn’t make sense. But also know that you can harness that fear to achieve positive change. Once you have overcome the fear that is holding you back by strategically leaving abuse behind you, who knows what you’ll achieve? You might, like me, find that where there was once fear there is now a passionate righteous anger that motivates you to help others.

9. The victim might be unsure that the police will believe or help them. 

I understand this well. That was a major hesitation and gamble for me. I had to report a cop to the cops. I was blessed with a police department and prosecution team who thoroughly understood what was going on. But years later, I’m still treated as a lying, vindictive attention seeker by some in the law enforcement community because I chose to stay alive. I remind myself that they don’t know, they’re quick to protect their own, and they have no idea how much sacrifice has been involved.

But this gut-wrenching dilemma is faced by victims of all walks of life in myriad locations. Will the cops believe me? I don’t have bruises right now. I didn’t start documenting this until the past year. No one else but me knows what he’s really like at home. He’ll just put on his Mr. Smooth persona if I call the police and convince them that I’m mental-emotional.

This is why domestic violence and sexual assault training is so important for first responders. They need to recognize red flags and take every allegation seriously. They need to document these incidents. Their agencies should require this of them so the treatment of domestic violence is not left up to their personal discretion. Despite the widely trumpeted myth that many women fabricate domestic violence allegations and sexual assault, studies show that the vast majority do not. Start by believing.

Victims, if what is being done to you is minimized or dismissed, keep trying. Contact a domestic violence hotline, a prosecutor, a local advocacy agency (like LifeWire in the Seattle area), someone who you can confide in. Have details ready and don’t downplay what the abuser’s doing. Don’t give up.

10. The victim doesn’t know where to start.

 Let’s solve that right now. Before you visit these websites, know how to swiftly delete your browsing history so that your abuser doesn’t know you were there. It’s advisable to use a computer the abuser can’t access outside of the home to view such information, like a library computer. Consider what information might be retained on your cell phone as well.

National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Times Up! A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships

Document the Abuse – learn more about a valuable legal tool for victims called the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit here

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Christian Mental Health & Family Hope Ministries

RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network), 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

Start by Believing

National Network to End Domestic Violence

No More

Love is Respect (National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline, 1-866-331-9474)

Domestic Shelters – find a safe place near you

Stalking Resource Center

OutrageUs (stalking help)

If you’re in Washington State, here are additional resources, including for those in the greater Seattle area:

Crisis Clinic, 1-866-427-4747

Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Christian Coalition For Safe Families

King County Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Washington State Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-562-6025

LifeWire, 24-hour help line 1-800-827-8840

New Beginnings, 24-hour help line 206-522-9472

The Hope Line, 206-432-8424 (help with a wide range of issues including domestic violence, human trafficking, housing, gangs, etc. as well as confidential prayer support)

In conclusion, next time you’re tempted to ask someone, “why don’t you leave?” or “why didn’t you leave?”, consider how that sounds. It sounds like you’re blaming them, which will only complicate things. Instead, as blogger Amy Thompson proposes in Language Matters When Engaging Survivors of Domestic Violence in Discussion, ask how they found the courage to leave. If they haven’t left yet, ask how you can help them. Even if you simply provide them with a hotline number, that could be their first step towards becoming a survivor rather than a victim.

You could literally save a life.

Read more on this topic, including tweets from survivors: #WhyIStayed


Take the first step, and your mind will mobilize all its forces to your aid. But the first essential is that you begin. –Robert Collier

Heidi Hiatt, MA recently graduated as a Forensic Psychologist.  You can read more of her posts at her personal blog, Truth, Justice, and All-American Allergen-Free Apple Pie Straight Talk in a Crooked World

Men and Domestic Violence

By Heidi Hiatt

2010 has been the year of betrayals, breakups, and divorces. I continue to be shocked at the number of relationships falling down around me.

While there are two sides to every story, it seems to me that it is becoming increasingly common for one party in a relationship to carry the majority of the blame. It’s like the world is dividing into two camps in anticipation of some great shift, narcissists and those who try to follow the Golden Rule.

This week I had the opportunity to catch up with several longtime friends and discuss their situations. It hit me that in nearly every breakup I’ve seen this year, it is the stable, hard-working, faithful, committed partner that does not abuse drugs or alcohol getting dumped like garbage.

Every one of these people openly admits their quirks and the things they need to work on, but none of those issues are divorce-worthy. Many are normal human shortcomings and residual trauma that can be worked through. I see these people as attractive, intelligent, fun, and successful, but their partners have decided that the grass is greener with more risky people.

Risky is the correct word. I’ve witnessed children being put on back burners to accommodate their parent’s games and used as weapons. I’ve seen how one parent’s hatred of the other conditions the children to become abusive, hate-filled people themselves. It is heartbreaking to see children form bonds and then be forced to break bonds with the people who are cycled through their parents’ lives.

Unfaithful partners are using their unwitting faithful counterparts as child care and their families as a resource to facilitate their liaisons. In one case, a friend’s in-laws had actually been encouraging the other woman’s presence and involvement while their son was still married. Other people find themselves used financially, or being pushed away when things aren’t adding up.

It is not unusual for families to enable a relative’s pathology even when that risks hurting their children. Enabling an unhealthy or dishonest relationship is sanctioning poor parental choices and setting the kids up for their own lifetime of instability. Children are often the last people who matter in the midst of these games.

One person told me how painful it is to watch another woman—the “friend” who decided to “help” her husband and kids at a critical time—end up with her house, her former vehicle, and many of her belongings. Another told me how their spouse demanded the divorce, but tries to control who they see and to keep them on hold in case they want them back in the future. It seems that a significant number of people are practicing this “Plan B” narcissism—if their affairs don’t work out, they want the option of going back.

The lengths that people go to in an effort to legitimize these unhealthy new relationships seem to be part of some sick rush they get by having affairs. One of the most common tactics seems to be blame-shifting, an attempt to make everything that’s wrong look like it’s caused by the faithful partner. Another is flat-out character assassination, slandering or falsely accusing that partner to relieve themselves of taking responsibility for their actions.

Yet a third is embarking on a public relations mission to build their new partner up at the expense of the old. If a person has to consciously try to win support for what they’re doing at the expense of another, there’s a good reason to question what they’re doing. When I see this happening, it reminds me of playground bullies that only feel good about themselves by putting someone else down.

The mental shift that unfaithful people undergo is frightening. They seem to have no genuine concern for any aspect of their partner’s well-being, physical, psychological, emotional, or spiritual. They recklessly put their partners’ health at risk and play head games with them either to avoid getting caught or punish them for not letting them have their cake and eat it too.

This has me wondering if deceptive, dangerous, or dysfunctional is the new “sexy”. Pop culture certainly seems to glamorize those “d” words—collectively, a darkness that destroys committed relationships. I understand the attraction that bad boys can have for women and bad girls can have to men. In those conditions we are able to indulge our own unresolved character issues and desire to rescue others.

But you can have a healthy kind of crazy, “bad”, or adventurous within a committed relationship too. To me, developing that sounds way more fun than risking my partner and family’s well-being to break a vow or a covenant. I would much rather spend time working on the tough issues in a committed relationship, reaping hard-earned rewards, than flitting around in dishonest, secretive hookups that won’t last.

This may seem like a long lead-in to the subject of men and domestic violence, but the point of mentioning all of these behaviors is that they go both ways. Women are abused, especially physically, more than men, but after hearing friends talk about female-on-male physical violence, control issues, stalking, and cheating, it’s clear that domestic violence is not a gender issue. Abuse is equally wrong whether a man or woman is committing it.

Statistics about domestic violence against men are probably skewed since it is very likely to be underreported. Not only is it awkward and embarrassing for men to publicly admit that they have been hurt by a woman, but many authorities won’t take them seriously or file reports when they do. The “you’re a man, deal with it” attitude, and many stereotypes about domestic violence, run rampant in this country. Men may think that reporting abuse or seeking help for it is a sign of weakness.

Reality is that men can be victims of psychological battering, physical violence, stalking (in growing numbers), manipulation, financial control, sexual abuse, and everything that a woman can. Somehow our society doesn’t want to believe these crimes and behaviors are as serious if they happen to a man.

Our culture has normalized aberrant behaviors in women, such as striking a man in the face, putting them down publicly, controlling them through sex, and allowing certain entitlement mentalities (seehttp://wildninja.wordpress.com/2010/04/21/sitcom-wives/). Much of this may be seen as valid payback for thousands of years of mistreatment of women, but it is still WRONG.

Man or woman, being attacked by someone else on any level damages your health and your self-worth. It can forever alter your existence and the way you look at life. The denial men engage in to cope with or rationalize woman-perpetrated abuse can lead to entrapment in unhealthy relationships. Men may endure many cycles, even years and decades, of abuse because they don’t want to be abandoned, see winning the abuser back as proof of their manhood, or mistakenly believe that they can love a pathological woman into healthiness.

The most common type of abuse I see when a woman abuses a man is not physical abuse. Most of the material you will find about female-on-male domestic violence is about that. But it is psychological abuse that seems to be the most prevalent form of abuse utilized by women. This may be because psychological abuse is the more subtle form of beating someone into submission. You also can’t get arrested for it unless you threaten their life.

In the 1993 Tina Turner biopic What’s Love Got To Do With It, moviegoers saw Ike Turner viciously beat and belittle his partner, then turn around and buy her expensive gifts to “make up for it.” A male friend of mine pointed out that women rarely do that; instead, they rip into men’s psyches and then use sex and seduction as the “make up gifts” to worm their way back into their lives.

That is an extremely abusive cycle because a man endures great personal harm, then is lulled back into a false sense of stability for awhile until it happens again. Over and over some men are verbally abused, taken advantage of, subjected to psychological terrorism, and cheated on, then reeled back in by the “gifts” of what is essentially sexual abuse. These cycles are all about power and control, not love. I call it “Reverse Ike Turner Syndrome” (with apologies to a man who hopefully got his rage under control).

Because of the lack of resources and shelters out there for male victims of domestic violence, a man’s best defense may be to educate himself on the subject. Both sexes need to know how to attract and retain healthy people with the ability to grow in mutually beneficial relationships. Instead, we often enter adult life without a proper sense of boundaries, tend to be attracted to the same type of controlling or abusive person that our opposite sex parent was, and can’t accurately define domestic violence.

Everyone needs to be educated about pathological behaviors, psychopathy, and other selfish, evil states of being that can damage us. Because men are expected to be the tough ones who take care of themselves, they may not recognize or acknowledge such issues when they encounter them. It is important to know what you might be dealing with to save your children, your current partner, and yourself from harm. My advice: read, read, read, get into counseling, and find Bible-based support through church.

One issue that continues to jump out at me when I research domestic violence is how personality disorders may dictate a person’s conduct in a relationship. Think of a personality disorder as a way of thinking that inaccurately colors the way a person looks at life. Of all the personality disorders that seem to affect women’s treatment of men, it is borderline personality disorder that seems to lead the pack. One of the first books written on this subject was called I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me.

Movies like Fatal Attraction and Single White Female are the Hollywood versions of this disorder. From my own experiences, I don’t think Single White Female was too far off. I’ve ended friendships and had other unsettling experiences because of that type of behavior. It wasn’t behavior I could “learn to deal with”; it’s unpredictable, backstabbing, and like being in a constant competition for a Miss Popularity award that I have no interest in vying for.

Some of these women will do anything to “prove” they’re the most “desirable” or to “win”, even if it means seducing or stealing someone else’s man. They get a thrill out of disrupting or slaughtering other people’s committed relationships, much the same as the rush some serial killers get when they take a life.

Alcoholism and substance abuse is common among borderlines, and in their private lives, many are emotionally immature, never progressing beyond a junior high emotional intelligence level.

These women have an empty spot inside of them that is never filled, and their behavior may become more dangerous and erratic with time. It may also become less obvious with time because they’re well-practiced.

If you try to leave them, though, you may soon find yourself looking down the barrel of the “if I can’t have you, no one can” mindset. They’re also the ones who will leave you of their own accord, but come back as soon as they see you having a serious relationship with someone else.

Some of these women might be fine with an open marriage or open relationship concept in which you are the emotional support, the “rock”, or even a sort of parent that they always come back to. But they want the freedom of seeing other people as well, whether they do that behind your back or coerce you into it.

Women like this will use anyone and anything to keep their targets at their beck and call regardless of the cost to others. Some borderline behavior overlaps with sociopathic behavior to the extent that experts have coined a new term for such people, borderpaths. Life is all about them, and they want men who will kowtow to that. They often purposefully latch onto nice and generous men believing that they will be easy to manipulate. That’s not love, that’s slavery. That’s sick.

If any of this sounds familiar, the diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder, and more information, is athttp://www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/dsmiv.htm. I’d also recommend the book Sometimes I Act Crazy, below. While I do not advocate breaking up a marriage just because someone has mental issues (don’t we all), men need to be able to draw the line when they and their family’s safety is at risk. Unrepentant, chronic abuse and adultery can be valid grounds for divorce, sad as divorce is.

Men, although you may think that you have to tolerate certain behaviors because of your sex, please remember that abuse is not biblical. It’s not God’s way. This is not what He wants for you. You were created to, as I said in another post, live adventurously, love passionately, and accomplish feats that no one before you or after you can.

Abuse molds you into who someone else wants you to be, not who God wants you to be. It robs you of your strength and dignity, and it prevents your family from experiencing your authentic self. Your children especially need a consistent, healthy role model that will set the standard for their relationships.

Children are little sponges who thirstily absorb your example, and the legacy you create for them is important. It’s been said that children are messages you send to a time you will not see. Your current circumstances may be setting the stage for your great-great-grandchildren’s lives.

That’s a sobering thought. But a quick look at our own family’s histories might show that to be true already. We are the people who have to stop the dysfunction with this generation and raise the bar.

In a world of James 1:8s—double-minded people who are unstable in all of their ways—kids really need their parents to model loving, committed behavior if they are to have a chance at true love without violence.

This means that both men and women need to know their enemy—domestic violence– and get whatever help they need to deal with it. That may mean severing relationships, because you can’t solve someone else’s pathology for them, no matter how traumatic the pathology’s origins.

Lastly, I know that there are those that downplay domestic violence towards men believing that it detracts from domestic violence against women. Some experts don’t like to discuss male abuse because fewer men experience it than women, and even fewer men report it.

No one has to convince me how serious of a problem this is for women—I have been through several deceptive, damaging relationships and have experienced persistent sexism in the workplace. You’re preaching to the choir.

Here’s the bottom line, and I’m turning on the caps lock to shout it out on behalf of the men who have been hurt by it:

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS A GENDER NEUTRAL ISSUE. NO VICTIM DESERVES TO HAVE THEIR EXPERIENCES DOWNPLAYED BECAUSE OF THEIR SEX. WHETHER A MAN OR WOMAN COMMITS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, IT IS WRONG, AND IT NEEDS TO BE DEALT WITH.

Videos

When Women Abuse Men, ABC News
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hn-wL6hPq8

Men Suffer Domestic Violence Too
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGDTDawB4wE&feature=related

Male domestic violence victim speaks out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPTOXG6Ha48&feature=related

Websites

The “Duluth Model” Power and Control Wheel, a version for female perpetrators
http://www.dvservices.org/id41.html

A Men’s Guide to the Signs of a Bad Dating Choice
http://www.datebetterwomennow.com/docsfordating/TheSignsofaBadDatingChoiceInWomenE-book.pdf

Abused Men: Domestic Violence Works Both Ways
http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/malevictims.shtml

Male Abuse
http://www.wadv.org/maleabuse.htm

Stalking & Domestic Violence Statistics
http://new.abanet.org/domesticviolence/Pages/Statistics.aspx

Books

How to Avoid Dating Damaged & Destructive Women (E-Book), Sandra L. Brown
http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/how-to-avoid-dating-damaged-destructive-women

Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder, Jerold Kreisman and Hal Strauss
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0471792144/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_2?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0380713055&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1AM6MSQR08YS2266KGKB

Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence, Philip Cook
http://www.amazon.com/Abused-Men-Hidden-Domestic-Violence/dp/0275958620/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283035856&sr=1-1

Women Who Love Psychopaths, 2nd Edition, Sandra L. Brown
I recommend this book for men? Yes. Men can absolutely be victims of female psychopaths. The material presented in this book can go either way despite the title.
http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Psychopaths-2nd/dp/0984172807/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1282971995&sr=1-1

Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t, Henry Cloud and John Townsend
http://www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Relationships-Avoid-Those/dp/0310210844/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283036191&sr=1-1

Too Nice for Your Own Good: How to Stop Making 9 Self-Sabotaging Mistakes, Duke Robinson
http://www.amazon.com/Too-Nice-Your-Good-Self-Sabotaging/dp/0446673862/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283036300&sr=1-1

Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men, Wayne Levine
(NUTs = Non-Negotiable Unalterable Terms)
http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-NUTs-Relationship-Manual/dp/0979054400/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283036347&sr=1-1#_

Boundaries: When to Say YES When to Say NO To Take Control of Your Life, Henry Cloud and John Townsend
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/B001AN8BAC/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283036547&sr=1-4

The Sociopath Next Door, Martha Stout
http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1282972138&sr=1-6

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You, Susan Forward and Donna Frazier
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_39?s=STORE&ie=UTF8&qid=1282972238&sr=1-39

In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People, George K. Simon
http://www.amazon.com/Sheeps-Clothing-Understanding-Dealing-Manipulative/dp/1935166301/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1282972328&sr=1-1

Venus: The Dark Side, Roy Sheppard and Mary T. Cleary (I have not read this, but it sounds like someone has finally come out with a book about female sociopaths. Hopefully it’s respectful.)
http://www.amazon.com/Venus-Dark-Side-Roy-Sheppard/dp/190153412X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1282972488&sr=1-1

Love Must Be Tough, James Dobson
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Must-Tough-James-Dobson/dp/0849913411

The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence, Gavin de Becker
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0440508835/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0440226198&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1J6A0DZRFVEW6MFE5KKP

Please note that most of these books are secular, but I include them because I have yet to find equivalents in the faith-based realm. Obviously if any content runs counter to your Christian beliefs, disregard it, and keep only what’s worth keeping.

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Whatever I do for my spouse, I do it to Christ as well. –Emerson Eggerichs

What a Sociopath Looks Like!

By Heidi Hiatt

Mr. Baffleberg? My cousin’s longtime piano teacher?!

Yellow teeth bared, he raised the knife in a jerky automaton-like flourish as putrid sweat dripped from his stringy reddish black hair…

Is this what you think of when you picture a sociopath? If so, you’re not alone. This is how pop culture often portrays dangerous and dishonest people– in hockey masks, dragging one leg heavily behind them, brandishing weapons, unkempt, socially inept loners who drive noisy ’70s vehicles with human bones dangling from the rear view mirror– and the list goes on.

Unfortunately these stereotypes have numbed our senses and narrowed our vision. Oftentimes, when we hear that someone has been arrested for embezzlement, murder, or other crimes, we see a particular phrase pop up on the evening news: “he always seemed like such a nice guy.” A clean-shaven athletic man in a citrus-hued polo shirt and neat slacks doesn’t really fit the image of a sociopath that we’ve been conditioned to accept.

There are many arguments about how to distinguish between psychopaths, sociopaths, and those with antisocial personality disorder. Sometimes this is explained on a continuum of violence or in the context of just how far someone is willing to go to cover their wrongdoings.

For the purposes of this article, I’m going to use the term sociopath loosely to describe self-serving human beings who can use and harm others without much, if any, conscience flickering behind their greedy eyes. These are people in serious need of the grace of God.

Only someone who looks like me would dare mislead you, dear.

Readers of my blog–some of whom have stood with me in my struggles against sociopaths– know that in my personal experience, a particular type of sociopath stands out. Whether male or female, these people are usually in positions of power and have a habit of ingratiating themselves to their organizations and endearing themselves to the upper echelons.

When someone finally finds the courage to report their wrongdoing, they are so embedded in the organization that the complainant is rebuffed as if they have a personal beef or are overreacting. It is often the whistleblower scrambling to find a new job or legal representation rather than the suspect.

That kind of thinking is exactly what I want American society to overcome. Sociopaths are often not the obvious suspects. They instinctively know how to bury their misdeeds and burn the people who stand up to them. They have a justification for every accusation. There is a rationalization for every questionable circumstance. They are quick to shift the blame and make any victims or witnesses appear needy, crazy, vindictive, or unbalanced.

These behaviors are disgustingly obvious to those trained to see them, or to those who’ve dealt with criminal behavior in their personal lives. It doesn’t take magical powers to realize when one of these people is operating within your family, church, or profession, but it does require an open mind. We must acknowledge that sociopaths don’t live in a colony of caves they all return to at sunrise, but they are among us each and every day.

Even the police have various stereotypes that they employ while analyzing suspects, like, “if they’re not making eye contact, they’re lying to me,” or “they’re not telling me the truth because they’re nervous.” There can be various legitimate reasons for that behavior and that kind of old school boilerplate thinking can lead to extremely wrong conclusions. Many sociopaths are smooth talkers and some can remain cool as cucumbers when questioned about their actions.

Remember this scene from Men in Black?

To my horror I’ve seen some of these people ingratiate themselves to the police and it’s the police who stand up for them when their sins begin to leak out. We do the same thing in our families– “oh, he wouldn’t do that,” or “there’s no way one of our own could do such a thing.”

How do you know? Did you investigate? Did you involve an objective third party who could offer their take on the situation? Did you ask an expert on the suspected behavior? Why would the alleged victim risk so much or pay so heavy a price for turning them in?

Sociopath, to some, is synonymous with serial killer. We need to get over that. Yes, serial killers usually display some degree of psychopathy, but their profiles and motivations can be very different. The same is true of the people I’m speaking of. While sociopaths share common traits, they don’t all work in one field or eat at the same restaurant or look alike. One reason these men and women are so successful at their game of using others for their own pleasure is because they blend in.

Sociopaths can have families. They can be parents. They might be great parents. They can be attractive. They can be popular. They might be highly intelligent or they might be of average intelligence or below and just know how to talk the talk. Some like to keep their names in lights and their good deeds in people’s hearts; they’re the ones who are always volunteering or putting supposed sacrificial kindnesses on display for others to see.

These folks might practice a false modesty but they are careful to cultivate a public persona that just “can’t be the sweet old lady who embezzled $30,000 from the nonprofit’s operating fund.” Yet every day in the news, there’s someone else… and someone else… and someone else whose family or coworkers or organization finally dared to investigate those curious little question marks that started to gather, resulting in an arrest.

He has your best interests in mind. He really does.

Earlier this year, I saw a list that claimed to identify the top ten professions in which psychopaths work, http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2013/01/06/these-are-the-top-10-jobs-most-likely-to-attract-psychopaths-should-we-be-worried/#:


1. CEO

2. Lawyer

3. Media (Television/Radio)

4. Salesperson

5. Surgeon

6. Journalist

7. Police Officer

8. Clergy person

9. Chef

10. Civil Servant


The list, evidently, comes from a book by Oxford psychologist Kevin Dutton called The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies, and Serial Killers Can Teach Us About Success. I’ve seen similar lists published from time to time. While I see the truth in them, I usually wonder how they came to these conclusions. This list looks pretty logical to me, though, so I’m going to run with it.

What do sociopathic people usually want? Power and control. Money. Influence. Access to victims. Easy pickings. Notice how some of those positions can make great money and some have a profound influence over our culture. Some of these job titles command automatic respect and admiration. Many people can be fearful of questioning the integrity of a journalist, civil servant, or police officer.

But also note that people in these positions can hide behind their job titles and therefore appear as someone they’re not. Priests are expected to be sacrificial and saintly, are they not? Their office in the church allows them to reach many people and do countless good deeds for the sake of Christ. It’s the perfect cover. What a great deal for a dark soul.

The same can be true of police officers. Becoming a cop makes you an automatic hero to some because you’re risking your life for public safety. Many cops are involved in charitable activities and known for their outreach to the community. Some of the same cops might abuse their spouses or sleep with underage girls and boys. Accuse them of wrongdoing, though, and there are those who are quick to hide behind their badges.

How many of us have dated this guy?

Do you see what I’m driving at? Sociopaths frequently place themselves in jobs where they have so much power, such strong union protection, or are so difficult to fire that it’s very hard to successfully prosecute them. They can gravitate towards professions that receive automatic respect. The very job, title, or circumstances that make them seem so admirable can also be the job, title, or circumstances that provide the ideal camouflage for their deviant behaviors. We can and should be willing to look beyond someone’s veneer to find out what they’re really about.

We don’t need to be running about paranoid or quick to label others as sociopaths. But what I want you to take away from this article is that a sociopath might not look or act like what you think they do. We want sociopaths to be obvious and openly devious, but we need to be more in tune with good and evil than that. Christians need to be sensitive to promptings from the Holy Spirit even when they don’t, at the time, seem logical.

Again and again on this blog I hammer on the verse from the Manufacturer’s Handbook that Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. I want readers to be TIRED of me saying that. The best sociopaths can be the ones who have you feeling guilty for questioning their motives or behavior at all. They’re the ones people in their circles rush to defend or are afraid to take on. Their crimes might even be blatant but they know that others are unlikely to stop them because of their position of authority, the cost of an investigation, or others’ fear.

The bottom line is that we need to stop stereotyping, stop assuming, stop blindly defending those “great guys,” stop protecting people just because we live with them, work with them, or pay the huge bills they send us, and start acknowledging that well-disguised evil can be very close to us.

There is no island of evil and continent of good. There is evil at our elbows and unless we are willing to call it out for what it is, we are enabling it, lazily letting it thrive and breed.

The wacky thing about those bad guys is that you can’t count on them to be obvious. They forget to wax their mustaches and goatees, leave their horns at home, send their black hats to the dry cleaners. They’re funny like that. -Jim Butcher

Drat! Foiled again!

Heidi Hiatt, MA recently graduated as a Forensic Psychologist.  You can read more of her posts at her personal blog, Truth, Justice, and All-American Allergen-Free Apple Pie Straight Talk in a Crooked World

Blaming the Victims

by Heidi Hiatt

Every time the topics of abuse, dysfunction, and boundary violations come up, I cringe, knowing that the same old sanctimonious rhetoric is about to slither up my neck like a decrepit, toxic snail: “We’ll pray for you. You need let go of your unforgiveness. We hope that the root of bitterness will be dug out.”

In my mind I’m asking, “and do you realize how many people are driven away from the Gospel because of this damning, judgmental legalism instead of towards it?!!” Then mushroom clouds erupt from my ears in a white-hot flash of righteous anger.

While I am by no means a perfect example of my faith, I’m not shy about identifying as a Christian. Why should I be? A God who loves me personally sacrificed His Son so that I could live– and not just live now, but always. Don’t ask me to explain that. The concept blows my mind. But knowing there is a life beyond this, and that love is eternal, and that there is a reason to keep going even in those deep, dark, silent moments– it’s glorious.

While I’m thankful for a strong Christian heritage in some branches of my family tree, my faith has been born largely of adversity, not out of some blind adherence to the ways of my ancestors. One reason I hold tightly to God is because His love transcends the dysfunction of my earthly family, not because His love reflects that family. The Psalmist understood this, saying, “though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me” (Psalm 27:10).

While godly family members have had a major influence on my faith in Christ, certain overzealous efforts and timeworn legalistic platitudes could have driven me away from the Gospel the same way it’s repelled others who are dear to me. Legalism, simply put, is adding man-made rules on top of God-made rules as if a true believer is supposed to honor the whole shebang. It is a recipe for pain and conflict that has driven millions away from God and even to extremes such as suicide. Trying to please man on top of God can be an impossible task.

Legalism is self-serving and narcissistic. It is a way that men can feel better than other men, a holier than thou set-up which condemns those who don’t bow to the almighty cultural norms of a particular church or sect. One of the most blatant mistakes that overzealous, legalistic people make– and that drives people away from a loving, merciful God– is blaming the victims. What I mean by this is that their default, knee-jerk reaction to any sort of violence, particularly family violence, is to immediately make the victim feel responsible for what someone did to them.

I have experienced this to varying degrees my whole life and grieve at just how much damage it has done in my circles. It fractures families. Christians who do this are painting a false image of God, making Him appear to be an unapproachable, sadistic comandante who’s waiting to strike you with a bolt of lightning. To be told, when you’ve been mistreated, abused, or violated, that “it’s your fault” can be the least godly and most damaging thing that could possibly be said. But it’s also the easiest thing for them to say, because it avoids facing the real issues and addressing evil for what it is.

Ironically, “blame the victim” types often don’t know the victim’s whole story or enough of their circumstances to make a proper assessment of the life, but assume that they know enough to judge that person. Because of their own need to feel holy, or morally superior, or to maintain control or their public image of being someone who’s “together”, they don’t think twice about pummeling the bleeding soul standing in front of them. Mercy and grace go out the window as the claws come out, belittling the person who just tried to confide in them and adding to the crushing stress they’re already carrying.

These attacks on the victim can occur in a number of ways. After some conversations with an insightful relative I made a partial list of some of the most common behaviors of the “blame the victim” crowd.

1. Poor boundaries. Many of these blamers have poor boundaries and allow dangerous people in their circles believing that God will change them. God might, but in the meantime, as believers in Christ, they should discern between good and evil and protect those who need to be protected. Allowing abusers, stalkers, and some types of criminals to remain in close proximity to their victims is idiocy. If they believe those offenders need discipleship or counseling, that can be done far away from the victim and does not need to involve them.

Blamers also need to realize that just because the abuser, etc. is a family member does not mean that the victim is required to maintain contact with them. This is a common, glaring error in the church that puts hearts, souls, and lives in danger. If one person presents a threat to another, be it emotionally, physically, or what have you, there is no “Christian” requirement for the victim to maintain contact and keep putting themselves in harm’s way. Sometimes forgiveness, reform, etc. can only be done from a distance in order to keep the victim from being violated again.

Blamers like to chide victims for having boundaries. When discussing boundaries with people I like to point out that as a Christian you should have better and stronger boundaries with evil for that is what separates you from the rest of the world. Blamers believe that they are separate and sanctified, yet often deride victims for not acting like doormats. Remember, Christ said to turn the other cheek, not let yourself be used, beaten, raped, or killed.

2. Denying the trauma. If you don’t understand someone else’s trauma, it’s easy to dismiss it. We understand PTSD, for example, in the context of war and acknowledge that many soldiers come home with it. But how many in the church realize that victims of family violence can also suffer from PTSD? A great many do. Regardless of whether the effects that violence have had on a victim’s life can be classified into a known diagnosis or not, that violence has very real effects on victims’ minds, hearts, and physical health. That trauma exists whether blamers want to acknowledge its existence or not.

3. Denying the abuse that is still happening. Blamers frequently do not understand the dynamics that drive family violence, namely power and control. They wouldn’t know what abuse is if it were happening right in front of them– and it does. In a frightening twist, blamers are often people in positions of power within the church. They are those who counsel parishioners in failing marriages and run ministries in which people are likely to need help with problems like domestic violence.

Unfortunately, when a victim comes forward and says, “I just had a horrible fight with my husband and I’m afraid it’s getting worse,” their solution is not to connect the victim with a domestic violence advocate, but to discuss the ways they can “get their husband to stop doing that.” This is the “wear a pretty dress, do your hair, make sure a delicious casserole is waiting when he gets home” approach. It is a total denial of what is happening to that woman and the danger she is in.

Blamers like to assume that you stay away from certain people because of what’s happened in the past, as if you’re not letting go of it. In their book, if you’ve truly forgiven the person, then you should let that person back into your life. They are blind to the fact that you’re not keeping your distance because of the past, but because of what that person is still doing.

A lot of abusive people will never change and many get more abusive in time. They also learn more covert ways to abuse their victims over the years, meting out their punishment in ways designed to make the victims look crazy and them like the good guys. They’re con artists.

4. Failing to call evil what it is. Blamers don’t want to call someone in their own family evil, especially if that person considers themselves a Christian. They also don’t want to label any other Christians as such. This is the part at which I remind them that there are both sheep and wolves in the church and sometimes the most successful wolves are those with the most glamorous sheepskins.

Domestic violence, divorce, and other horrors happen in Christian families as much as they do in the rest of the population. It’s a sad fact that sits right next to another tragedy, the tragedy that the church is often the last place people go for help. Those I work with on domestic violence advocacy issues know I’m a firm believer that the church should be the first place victims go for help. Until all Christians can recognize evil as evil, though, this will never happen.

Hurting another human being when it isn’t in self-defense is evil. Trying to berate them, belittle them, control them, molest them, sexually assault them, hit them, and otherwise violate their boundaries is evil. Church, why aren’t we as a whole getting this? Saying yes to Jesus means saying no to evil and when He said, “do unto others,” He wasn’t kidding. As author Joel Rosenberg says, “misunderstanding the nature and threat of evil is to risk being blindsided by it.”

5. Endangering the victim by not taking them seriously. When blamers deny what a victim is enduring and how it’s affecting them, they become a party to their undoing. Denying the danger someone is in, be it psychologically or physically, doesn’t make it go away. As I mentioned in the boundaries section, blamers often see nothing wrong with pushing victims to “reconcile themselves” to their violators which often places the victims in harm’s away again.

6. Making the victim into someone they’re not. Anyone who’s dealt with domestic violence or crime knows that victims are often questioned as if they’re the suspects. Blamers are adept at this tactic. Rather than find out what truly happened and learn the victim’s side of the story, they automatically stereotype a victim who is standing up to their attacker as overly sensitive, needy, damaged, or any other derogatory and convenient term that comes to mind.

After they’ve had their “pep talk” with the victim about their “unforgiveness” and how the victim should practice their unsafe brand of reconciliation, they condemn the victim if they don’t do things their way. This can lead to all sorts of judgmental, damaging gossip that can make others question the victim’s motives and credibility. Blamers: just because a victim doesn’t handle their situation your way doesn’t make them un-Christlike. Please separate your legalism from your faith.

7. Lack of discernment. What is the most universal behavior of sociopathic people? They prey on your sympathy (thank you, author Martha Stout). Blamers frequently get sucked into the suspect’s ploy for sympathy, especially when it is someone close to them. They simply don’t want to believe that their relative or close friend is capable of what the victims are saying they are.

Abusers in particular love to twist things around to make themselves look like the good guys and get everyone to frown on the supposed immaturity/insecurity/faults/weaknesses/shortcomings/fabrications/exaggerations, etc. of the victims. And many Christians just fall for it! Christians– those who are supposed to have the Holy Spirit living within them to show them right from wrong– sometimes fall all over themselves to accommodate criminals and abusers as if they’re the “real” victims.

Unacceptable! When someone comes to you and tells you that they’ve been violated or mistreated, you should start by believing them and making sure they’re safe, not rushing to defend your buddy or brother who “couldn’t have possibly done that.” It deeply troubles me that so many believers don’t pause to consider how much trouble the victim might be in or to ask God for His insight before they rush to defend the wolves.

8. Damning the victim’s future. Blamers are masters of limiting God’s grace. Even those who might provide genuine and desperately needed help to victims act as if God’s mercy for their situation only goes so far. A blamer might have the wisdom to help a victim out of an abusive marriage– and may God bless them for doing so. But they might simultaneously be lecturing the victim that they can never be married again and must adhere to a monastic lifestyle. They will readily bust out scripture to support their attempt to control the victim’s life, going as far as to assure the victim they will go to hell if they don’t do things their way.

In my church we believe that victims of certain circumstances can be married again and a senior pastor convinced our congregation of this through scripture. There are violations of the marriage covenant that render it broken and there are some circumstances too dangerous to go back to.

To say that the victim has to spend the rest of their life honoring a broken covenant is ludicrous. That limits a God who specializes in second chances, healing, and redemption. It limits His infinite grace. Yet is exactly this threat of hellfire and damnation for daring to allow God to make something magnificent out of our brokenness that condemns many victims to stay in potentially deadly relationships.

Ultimately, blamers who put the onus on victims are just adding to the stress that the victims are already dealing with. They are helping keep them in the shadows rather than taking their hands and walking with them into the light. By adding all their nitpicky little rules, regulations and rituals to what is supposed to be a simple relationship with a loving and forgiving God, they could very easily be turning more people away from Heaven than towards it.

It breaks my heart to see how this supposedly pious behavior misrepresents the God who wants to be a Father to His children– a truly worthy father, a very different father from the earthly one many victims have had. Why would non-believers want anything to do with a God who makes them feel like what happened to them is primarily their fault? That is, however, exactly what is being represented to them by the astounding number of “blame the victim” believers.

It is important for blamers to remember is that it’s not up to them to decide what’s best for another adult. They need to respect the choices that an adult victim/survivor has made and not make it their mission to bend another human being to their will. God Himself has given each of us free will and we are to help others conform to His image, not our own. Exercising some sick, selfish need to control others and make them feel like less of a Christian for standing up to evil requires a long, hard look in the pool of reflection.

Next time you are tempted to start lecturing a victim about the walls they put up to protect themselves and their family, or start dictating to them how they should feel or act, consider who you are an ambassador for. Is this really how you want people to see Jesus, as judge, jury, and executioner of the wounded? How does a self-righteous, pharisaical dissection of the victim’s supposed mindset, heart, and actions serve to further the kingdom? Are you risking their soul just so you can feel morally superior?

Imagine the victories that could be achieved if you would put your energies into being strong support for victims rather than picking them apart. Consider whether the way you treat victims of crime and violence is driving people towards the cross or away from it. Then adjust your approach accordingly, because the way the church is responding to the horrors in our society has influenced millions of people to turn away from the faith.

Are you a part of the solution or part of the problem?

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If Jesus had tried to make everyone happy, we would all be lost. If self-centered people are angry at you, it means you are learning to say no to evil. If mean people are displeased with you, it means that you are standing up to abuse. If pharisaical Christians judge you, it means that you are becoming like your Savior. If your parents don’t like the decisions that you as an adult feel God has led you to make, it means that you are growing up. –Henry Cloud

Heidi Hiatt, MA recently graduated as a Forensic Psychologist.  You can read more of her posts at her personal blog, Truth, Justice, and All-American Allergen-Free Apple Pie Straight Talk in a Crooked World

10 Reasons to Run From a Serial Texter!

by Heidi Hiatt

Young ladies (including those in my life), listen up. It’s time for some straight talk about guys who consider texting a primary form of communication or an appropriate way to get to know you.

As evidenced in previous blog posts on grammar and communication skills, I feel that texting is the devolution of the English language. Yes, I text; it can be a quick way to check in with a loved one or tell a friend about something funny when they can’t talk on the phone. But I decided a while back that I am done trying to have lengthy conversations by text because they are a convenient excuse not to actually TALK to someone.

Guys often like to communicate in short bullet points, so texting can be a comfortable way to achieve a quick back and forth on terms more amenable to them. Not all men are like this, but men who work in professions in which they are accustomed to flinging brief sound bites over the Nextel or radio might be. Tough beans, those guys. It ain’t all about you and sometimes you need to accommodate women’s style of communication as well.

Here are some points to remember when a guy says, “let’s text!”

1. Guys who text do not call. Even though they’re sitting there gleefully poking buttons on the same phone they could just as easily call you on, they’d rather stick to shallow sound bites rather than engage in meaningful conversation. (Who among us has ever had a deep conversation about Aristotelianism and astrophysics by text?)

2. Guys who text do not spend time with you. If you’re texting with a guy who will spend hours ping-ponging cute little symbols and chat acronyms between your cellular communication devices, you’re McDonald’s to him. You’re a convenience that will give him attention on his terms and he doesn’t have to show you proper respect or actually take you on a date.

3. Guys who text only are emotionally unavailable. Ever read Sandra L. Brown’s How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved(http://www.amazon.com/How-Spot-Dangerous-Before-Involved/dp/0897934474)? Does this guy sound familiar? “He is married, separated or dating someone else but usually will tell you he is ‘almost out’ of the relationship but ironically, never does really get out. He is interested in hyper tolerant women who will wait and wait on his eventual ‘availability’ for their relationship. Also likes to target women with poor boundaries.”

If a guy’s chronically texting with you, you can bet you’re not the only one he’s texting with. I know of cases in which “text guys” had whole harems out there to bolster their egos and provide them with playtime. Yeah, supposedly committed and married guys. It’s cheap and easy fun for them. They don’t care if you’re one of ten. They’d rather have ten than one.

4. Guys who text avoid emotional intimacy. Actual conversation could lead to authentic sharing which, gulp, could involve real emotions. When you’re just looking for cyber companionship, a poor substitute for the real thing, you don’t want to feel emotional except for the high you get by someone flirting with you at your whim.

5. Guys who text will sext. When you’re giving freely of yourself and your time to someone who is not pursuing your attentions in an honorable way, they will push your boundaries and expect your text messages to become increasingly exciting.

Texting is one of their drugs, a way to get attention and flirting for almost nothing. Their desire for their drug often grows into requests or demands for nude pictures of yourself.

Don’t assume that those photos will be a little guilty pleasure he keeps to himself. There are all kinds of psychos out there who can use those to blackmail others, destroy reputations, and do all sorts of damage with. Who knows who else those have been shared with.

6. Guys who text want sex. Chronic texters who never (or rarely) call, hang out, or take you on a date want to see what else they can get for free besides your affection and time. Why not sex? Sociopaths in particular love it when they can get something for nothing, and if they can tease a woman into submission by text and take advantage of that, why wouldn’t they? Virtual foreplay, then arranging a booty call, is cheaper than a hooker and something they can do while bored in their 2 P.M. accounting meeting.

7. Guys who judge you by text aren’t worth it. If someone thinks that you are unworthy of actually spending time with according to short, emotionally constrained blips on a screen, he’s not worth giving a chance to. With a huge nod to the bestselling book He’s Just Not That Into You, if a guy is truly interested in you he will make time to get to know you. He will treat you like a lady. He will earn your trust and respect if he deserves it at all, not demand it on his terms.

8. Guys who text need to grow up. There, I said it. Someone who only wants to text you is like a little boy passing notes in fourth grade except that it’s not fourth grade anymore and he wants more than a playground smooch. Chronic texting is a sign of emotional immaturity and a man with a low emotional IQ is a dangerous one indeed. They throw the same wild tantrums that toddlers do except they’re a lot bigger and can hurt or kill you and your loved ones.

9. Guys who text don’t have to show you who they really are. I had an argument with a young person the other day about how their online interactions were not well regulated. I told them that you don’t really know who you’re talking to online and the most successful predators masquerade as people they’re not.

The same is true of texting. Dark souls can be cutesy and seem sexy and be “vulnerable” in virtual reality when real life might be something entirely different. Do a background check on people like this. You’ll be surprised at what you can find. Besides known players, you might also find criminals.

10. Guys who text will use you and move onto the next one. If a guy can’t graduate to phone calls and making time for you in person, he doesn’t want that. You’re not special to him. You’re not much different than the bag of Fritos he picks up at the 7-Eleven on his way to the ball game. It’s only a matter of time before he’s tired of you and moves onto his next batch of cyber girlfriends. He has others already, remember?

Ultimately, ladies, don’t forget that you are a daughter of the King. God is your Father and he wants the very best for you, not guys who will play with your emotions and make you think more is coming when it’s not. You deserve a man who will take the time to get to know you in loving and caring ways, not Textmaster Flash with all of his sycophantic soothsayings.

If all he wants to do is text, trust me– run away.



I’ve been texting for a year with a couple of guys without ever going on a date with them. -Chloe Sevigny

Heidi Hiatt, MA recently graduated as a Forensic Psychologist.  You can read more of her posts at her personal blog, Truth, Justice, and All-American Allergen-Free Apple Pie Straight Talk in a Crooked World