How did I get to this point in my life? Fisherman. Writer. Artist. Gun Toter.

By Karen Rae Elkins

I'm a fisherman, not a policeman. Yet in this rapid river of increasing violence, I've learned that sometimes the police are not necessarily there to uphold the laws when taking another report of intimate partner violence. I'm not saying there are not good cops out there. Policemen are like fish, Some are predators in pursuit of right over wrong. They hunt to feed justice. Some are like the trout or perch. They bring a taste of color and hues of deep thought in an upstream battle. And then... well some are just plain bottom feeders, sucker fish. When I fish, I'm after the predator called a bass. When I pull up a bottom feeder,  I get this girlie yuck feeling in the pit of my stomach. I will often just cut the line on a bottom feeder.

I'm going to talk about the bottom feeders of our men in blue. Bottom feeders have their place. If for no other reason, it's to teach you the serious lesson of forgetting what others may think of your situation. There's more to life than what a bottom feeder thinks. I just want you to go into a Police Station with your eyes wide open. Pulling into the parking lot of a police station takes courage. Some will look at you with total disgust or their eyes will look anywhere but directly into your eyes. While others rarely listen to what you have to say. Often times you must repeat the same sentence three maybe four times, or worse they question the event as if it really didn't happen. I've heard stories of Investigators suggesting that a woman actually beat herself up to claim violence. Any woman who would beat them self up has crushing psychological issues beyond those of violence, and sadly it does happen. However, it is rare. Most women, like me, avoid pain. Think about it like this, most would prefer to focus on anything but a mixture of pain stirred in with humiliation, trauma, and disbelief.  Please don't for any reason, avoid documentation because the police officer could be a bottom feeder.

Bottom feeders are there to clean up after the violence and do as little as possible. It's their nature. You know, when the woman has lost her life because the police didn't follow up or follow through because to them, "it's just another day at work". Bottom feeders abuse their position. A therapist once told me, "Never date a policeman, they are deceptive." I guess that bleeds into trusting them with your life.

When you leave the station pay no attention to the thoughts that they are talking about you. Without a shadow of a doubt they are using colorful words to describe you. Tell yourself, who cares? You've done what you set out to do. Report an incident. It's your paper trail. Just whatever you do, make sure the documentation is correct. If the officer didn't get the report correct, ask for another report. What else does he have to do but breathe air and eat donuts. Bottom feeders.

I'm a writer, but some words are not worth the paper they are written on. Three words come to mind.: Protection From Abuse. The worst thing you can do is to isolate yourself from the facts. If you find yourself reporting acts of violence, you my friend, are in danger. In the film, Enough,  J Lo is at the police station to help "a friend" with violent husband. In reality it is her that is in the violent marriage. The officer instructs her to tell the "friend" to file for a protection order against her husband. She responds, "And what is she suppose to do with the paper when he shows up? Throw it at him? Do Protection Orders perpetuate more violence? As best I can tell, it's a flip of the coin. Heads it does, tails it doesn't. There is one silver lining, but it alone won't keep you safe. There is a Federal law, an act that  bans shipment, transport, ownership and use of guns or ammunition by individuals convicted of misdemeanor domestic violence, or who are under a restraining (protection) order for domestic abuse in all 50 states. Don't make it easy for him to turn a gun on you. Have his gun rights taken away.

Other papers are worth their weight in gold. Start a journal and an on-line journal of your journey back to you. I always say when you come to a fork in the river, take it. This blog is as much for me as it is for the woman who wonders what life is like after the escape from violence.  It seems that everyone wants you, the victim, to prove or answer to his actions. Should you ever end up in court, or apply for a new Social Security number, or faced with filing an Evidentuary Will and Abuse Affidavit, your documentation can be used to help your memory. Trauma and violence can blend memories or worse, there are some things you'd rather forget. The journal will help keep the facts in somewhat order. The Coalition Against Domestic Violence suggested that I keep a journal of my travels so that if I went missing, the police, hopefully not the bottom feeder kind, could use it to help locate me. Each morning when I have my first cup of coffee, I jot down my daily activities, well sometimes. 

I'm an artist, I should not have to draw a gun. I'd rather draw flowers or butterflies. I'd rather capture a sunrise on the lake with my camera. Artist are known for their "non-violent" beliefs. We would rather live life on the edge of creativity, not the verge of destruction.  However, non-violence, doesn't mean I have to give up my right to protect myself. I made the decision to exercise my Second Amendment Right, the Rights to pursue FREEDOM.  I urge you to do the same. I'm reminded of a quote from my first blog with Time's Up. There is no freedom without the truth. The truth is "If I'm going to die at the hands of a violent man, I'm going to die fighting." I'm free from the spell of defenselessness. 

I had a wake up call. I was followed into my neighborhood late one night. I had stopped the pattern of no pattern home. I let my guard down. I had become comfortable just driving the same route.  There were no cars on the road in the small town. Most people were sleeping. I pulled into the right lane to merge onto the two lane highway. There wasn't a car in sight. I drove maybe six-tenths of a mile and turned my blinker on. All of a sudden, out of no where, the inside of my SUV lit up. The car behind me almost rear ended me. I turned to escape a crash and the car turned behind me. There was maybe 12 inches between our bumpers as I drove through the neighborhood. My mind went blank and my body numb with fear. All I could think is, "Is this the end of me"? I grabbed my cell phone and flipped it open to dial 911 and realized they couldn't save me. At this point they all became bottom feeders. I avoided a near miss that night. I realized then that I should have been reaching for a gun not a phone.

If you put him in jail, he's going to eventually get out of jail. Then what? I've searched out every law of protection and found the laws to be faulty. Except for the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution, all of the laws have loopholes designed to protect the guilty. Protection comes in the form of a gun for women who want to live. Don't believe the lie that you will become the victim of your own gun. The reports are false. Honestly, if I had not searched out every option, every avenue available to me, I would not be writing this blog. It's time to take back the power that has been stolen by our courts, judges, and the offenders. It's a right for a reason. 

Take a gun safety class. Enroll in a local gun club or shooting range. Listen to your instructors.  A 22 caliber handgun isn't the ideal gun for protection. Go ahead and spend your money on a gun that will defend you.  Apply for a concealed carry permit. Obey the laws and know the laws. Size matters when it comes to guns. Get a handgun that fits your hand. Learn to clean it the same day every week while you watch Nancy Grace report on other women who didn't have the chance to defend themselves. Buy a second gun. Your life depends on your ability to fight back. Do you really want to go into battle with just one gun? Buy a shotgun for your home. The spray will cover a large area. Make up your mind before he ever shows up at your home to do the right thing. He has no business at your home. His past abuses carry the weight of his intentions. And just like a target, aim for the center mass. "There are no dangerous weapons. There are only dangerous men."

If he finds me now he will find me standing behind cold metal. Why? Because I can. Though defensive violence will always be 'a sad necessity' in the eyes of men of principle, it would be still more unfortunate if a wrongdoer should prevail over the just. In 1998 one study reported the use of a gun by women in 12 cases of defense against intimate partner violence. In all 12 cases the man died. TWELVE. Yet, one in four women have been at the wrong end of a fist. We as women often send the wrong message. It's our nature to nurture, not pick up a gun. The day has come to redefine that mindset. Because, we can nurture ourselves, we will survive by all legal means. Redemption can come at the end of a gun.

Remember, "A woman who demands further gun control legislation is like a chicken who roots for Colonel Sanders." I'm not a chicken, I'm a fisherman, a writer, an artist and a gun toter. 


Just one question. Is toter really a word? 


Fish Steady in all you do. karen

Who Does Society Blame for Domestic Violence?

By Barry Goldstein

For many years I have enjoyed the privilege of teaching classes in a New York Model Batterer Program. We are taught that sexism causes domestic violence and sexism is rooted in history. With that in mind it is useful to look at the history of domestic violence from the point of view of whom society has blamed for men's abuse of women over the years.

For thousands of years the answer would have been no one because society accepted the idea of men hitting their wives. Although the terminology was different at the time, the first domestic violence law in the U.S. said that husbands could not beat their wives----ON SUNDAY. The obvious implication was that any other day it would be acceptable. The term "rule of thumb" is based on legal reforms that a husband could not beat his wife with an object thicker than his thumb. There is some dispute about this, but clearly it was based on widespread belief husbands were permitted to hit their wives. Until fairly recently the media often depicted heroes in movies and television assaulting their wives such as the famous scene from McLintock where John Wayne spanks Maureen O'Hara. Even though laws have changed, the fact that what we now call domestic violence was legal and acceptable until fairly recently continues to affect society's response to domestic violence.

In the mid to late 1970s domestic violence started to become a public issue and wife beating was no longer accepted. At the time there was no research about the cause of men's abuse of women or how to prevent it. Some people saw a group of women who were beaten by their partners and other women who as far as we knew were safe. The first assumption was that the women whose partners were abusing them must be doing something to cause his abuse. Accordingly the initial efforts were focused on changing women's behavior.

Women were sent for counseling or therapy to learn how to behave in order to avoid his abuse. Some women were taught communication skills. The therapist for one of my clients told her to wear a sexy negligee to welcome her abusive husband home. In other words a blame the victim strategy was widespread. I want to be clear that not all communities or professionals favored the strategies I will discuss, but I am generalizing about the most common practices.

The strategies that emphasized blaming the woman did not work. We know this because during the time these were the most common responses to domestic violence there was no reduction is domestic violence homicide, serious injuries and emergency room visits. Later research demonstrated that there is no difference before his abuse between women who would later be abused by their partners and those who as far as we know were not abused. In other words practices based on blaming the woman turned out to be a failure and gradually more and more professionals and communities looked for more effective responses.

In the 1980s into the early 90s many professionals came to believe that it wasn't just her fault, but rather each party contributed to his abuse. Domestic violence was more likely to be viewed as a relationship problem. Accordingly when women sought protection and prosecution after assaults by their partners, they were often referred to family court. Family court was more focused on reconciliation than penalizing his abuse. Couples were often sent for therapy or counseling where cooperation and communication skills were emphasized. The unqualified mental health professionals regularly used in custody court pressured women to forget his abuse. Frequently, women who were brutally assaulted by their partners would have to listen to confident lectures by judges saying that both parties were responsible for the abuse and they each had to make changes to promote a good relationship.

This approach of blaming the relationship or both parties did no better than the previous blame the victim approach. We know this because while this was the primary response to domestic violence complaints, the level of domestic violence homicide, serious injury and emergency room visits remained the same.

As it became ever more obvious that these practices weren't working, communities increasingly moved toward holding the abuser accountable. This practice became more common in the 1990s. This involved enforcing criminal laws and violations of protective orders more strictly. In retrospect, it seems obvious that the person responsible for domestic violence is the one who is assaulting or otherwise harming his partner. The research is now clear that only accountability and monitoring are effective responses to domestic violence.

We know that holding the abuser accountable is the best practice because as this became the recommended practice, at least in the criminal justice system, domestic violence homicides, serious injuries and emergency room admissions finally started to decline. Even more convincing was the fact that some communities worked together to create strict enforcement and these communities saw an even more dramatic decline particularly of domestic violence homicide.

A few years ago Mo Hannah and I did a presentation at an NCADV Conference in which I cited these statistics and mentioned Quincy, Massachusetts, Nashville, Tennessee and San Diego, California as three communities that had developed particularly effective programs. After the presentation a woman came up and informed me this was no longer true in Nashville. It seems a new administration took over, dismantled the successful program and the domestic violence homicide rate went back up.

Despite the mistakes in Nashville, the trend would be positive except for the constant failures in the custody court system. Abusers were not happy with the progress society was making in reducing domestic violence even though it resulted in a larger reduction of domestic violence homicides of men than women. They decided to attack women at their most vulnerable point--their children. Abuser rights groups encouraged their members to go after custody as a way of maintaining what they believe is their right to control their partners.

The custody court system, using practices that were created at a time when no domestic violence research was available and happy to see fathers who claim to want to spend substantial time with their children, routinely fail to recognize this abuser tactic. As a result, the courts are sending thousands of children to live with abusers and often taking safe, protective mothers out of their children's lives. This is done in retaliation for the mother's attempts to protect their children. The courts mistake the mothers' protective actions for alienation.

One of the routine mistakes custody courts make is to assume the end of the relationship will end the danger. In reality after a woman leaves is the most dangerous period. Seventy percent of men killing their female partners do so after she has left. While mothers are severely punished, often with the denial of normal contact with their children for continuing to believe their allegations of abuse after the court fails to believe them, custody courts almost never penalize abusers for continuing to deny their abuse after a finding against them. Experts with an understanding of the effects of domestic violence on children recommend that initially the mother receive custody and the abusive father supervised visitation. In order to qualify for unsupervised visitation, the father needs to complete a batterer program, admit his abuse and his sole responsibility for his abuse, apologize for the harm he caused, understand the harm his behavior has caused to children and make a commitment never to do it again. In other words the court should be taking actions to hold him accountable and make it clear that changing his attitudes and behavior is the only action that will restore unsupervised visitation. These practices would serve to discourage domestic violence and give a clear message that this behavior is no longer tolerated. The present practices accomplish just the opposite.

The historical perspective described above is particularly helpful in understanding the pattern of mistakes in domestic violence custody cases. While other institutions including criminal courts adopted accountability practices that were responsible for a reduction in the most serious forms of domestic violence, the custody courts continue to use practices that blame the victim or blame both parties for the abuser's mistreatment of his partner. In other words they continue to employ outdated and discredited practices.

This widespread failure of the custody courts to recognize abuser tactics of going after the children to maintain control over their partners has made this strategy successful. We are seeing more mothers stay with abusers or return to them in order to be near their children and try to protect them. They have learned the custody courts will not protect their children. Often the mothers are accepting the fathers' beatings in order to be near their children. Some of the mothers do not survive this decision and as a result the domestic violence homicide rate that had been improving for many years has recently gone up again. We have also seen increased danger to children. In the nine months ending in April of 2010, fathers involved in contested custody cases murdered at least 75 of their children often with the unwitting assistance of the custody courts. This is likely to continue as long as the custody courts use practices that blame the victim or blame the relationship for the brutal behavior of an abuser.


Barry Goldstein is a nationally recognized domestic violence expert, speaker, writer and consultant. He is the co-editor with Mo Therese Hannah of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY. 

Fishing on Facebook For Victims Rights

By Karen Rae Elkins


"America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves" says former US President Abraham Lincoln. Our rights seem to fade with every report of violence. The law doesn't always guarantee justice. Scores of abusive people walk the streets every day: from strangers to relatives.

There is never an excuse for Domestic Violence. EVER. Why do people question the person, usually a woman, for staying? Maybe, a more direct question should be asked, "When is it ok to hit a woman?"  NEVER.

There is too much focus on the victim of abuse and the "whys" and too little on a criminal who walks among us.  Hitting a woman is a crime, period. If you are man enough to hit a woman, you are man enough to go straight to jail.

I got a head's up from friends about a social group called " Reasons when its acceptable to punch a woman in the face,"  Growing up in a newspaper family and later working for a newspaper, the freedom of speech was explained to me as a born right.

Words are powerful. Words determine the way you think. The way you think, determines the way you feel. The way you feel, builds images in your mind. Those images produce an action.

What would you do?  I was torn. Which side of the coin would I chose? Do I protect my rights as a writer/artist and ignore the facebook page? Or, do I protect women from all forms of violence? What if someone deemed my blog as hatred and used my words against me? How would I feel? What if I did nothing and a woman who is currently in a violent situation realizes that her abuser is a fan of the Facebook page? How would I feel? The criminal among us has just been validated for illegal behavior. It's just not good policy to promote and make light of a situation that often results in a violent death for others.

I checked for friends in common! SSSShhhew, There were none. However, the page had over 20,000 fans. The group was brutal. There was a list of 60 reasons. The admin claimed it was a joke as he stated in reason #59:

Acceptable Reason 59, "Making and joining a petition group to take this group down for promoting violence when its clearly a joke :P"  In his closing statement he removed reason 60,  *The last joke removed cus it went too far* and as you read these, remember someone who abuses their partner isn't worth anything but despise."

Advocates against violence spend long hours undoing the effects of violence. Jokes don't usually hurt, they produce laughter. I questioned my feelings. Was I too close to the situation to be objective?

I was not willing to let this sleeping dog lie. There was nothing funny about threats of violence.

Isn't that the way violence starts, a simple threat?  Anyone who hits a woman will do just about anything.

The group was removed from facebook within days. On that day, many advocates could breathe a sigh of relief and say "Gotcha"!  Ah... that is such a fishing phrase. You see, we are all fishermen in one respect or another. Some fish for victims of abuse, others fish for a cure for cancer. While yet another group champions children's issues or the soldier who volunteers for service in our Armed Forces because he believes in America.

I chose not to re-publish many of the acceptable reasons to hit a woman in my article. They have said enough. Remember, I believe there is no reason ever, to hit a woman. The admin mentioned "the last one removed cus it went too far". They opened the door so I'm going to close it. You be the judge.

Acceptable Reason # 60. ONLY REASON TO NOT HIT A WOMAN IN THE FACE…when she’s pregnant…..punch her in the stomach.

I wonder? When did doing the right thing, become wrong? What happened to chivalry? Where is the love?

Enough said, It's time to just go fishing for bass in the lake I grew up on... breathe a sign of relief and say to the bass, "Gotcha."  

Time's Up until next time, fish steady. Love, Karen 

"Trust Me, I AM YOUR INTUITION"

By Anny Jacoby

You are walking to your friend's home suddenly it is night fall. The directions you were emailed earlier in the day from your friend are a bit confusing, you're not exactly sure where you are. You pick up the pace, walking faster, you pass Second Street, Third Street, Fourth Street, Fifth Street. In an instant your eyes are drawn away from the piece of paper in your hand and you look around, realizing that you are now, totally lost.

You panic. You begin to speak to yourself, "Breathe....breathe". Looking around you feel vulnerable because you do not know where you are; your mind is trying to figure out where you might be and you are limiting your self-protection because you are distracted. As you continue to walk toward the next block, you see two men leaning against the side of a building. You start to think.....Should I ask them for directions? However, you start to get a deep uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach.

Something is telling you to turn around and go in the opposite direction. The warning voice in your head will not go away and it only gets louder and louder matching the increased pace of your heartbeat. You stop, the slight hesitation in your footsteps grabs the attention of the two men. Do you ignore your gut feeling and brush off this strange feeling as paranoia? Or, do you listen to THE voice in your head of the warning signals going off and run like hell?

Listening to intuition is often the most ignored safety step. Intuition and awareness are the first two steps to safety. It's always easier to dismiss our hunches with logic or rationalizations. In some cases, we can get away with choosing to listen to logic or wishful thinking over our intuition. But the consequences of taking unnecessary chances can be something we carry for the rest of our life if something bad happens.

We often do not respect our instincts/intuition because we don't want to become paranoid and make unreasonable decisions as a result. We need to be able to trust our gut, our brain needs to be equally involved in that process. The best way to determine the usefulness and accuracy of intuition is to use it. When it comes to deciding whether or not to confront a possible dangerous situation and you begin to get that weak, ill, warning feeling....it's best to trust those warning signs. This is YOUR INTUITION facing the threat and telling you to get away.

So, you ask....how can I tune in to hear my intuition? Following these suggestions may be of help:

1. Listening to intuition always requires a choice of where you place your attention. Ignore anything that will distract your attention.

2. Be silent.

3. While being silent, focus your attention on emotional feelings, images or words that come to your mind. This allows you to identify what your intuition is saying.

4. Be willing to do what intuition says to do.

5. Don't question it: Intuition NEVER engages debating.

6. Follow your intuition.

7. Understand that other people will always have judgments about you. You determine what is right for you! Don't do what your best friend or others tell you what to do. Don't rely on trusting your elders because we have heard for years "they have the years of experience". Listen to your own intuition and act on it.

Your intuition will ALWAYS lead you in the right direction. You are the only one that knows what YOU are feeling.

Isn't it just easier to trust intuition?

Is there anything wrong with BEING SMART?

I would rather be wrong of my intuition than risk putting myself in danger.

Wouldn't you?

Take care and STAY SAFE!

There Is No Freedom Without The Truth

By Karen Rae Elkins

Abe Lincoln said, "How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four; calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg". There is no freedom without the truth. Violence is a crime. Love doesn't leave bruises, fractures, or warrant the taking of a life. There are no exceptions to this fact. For the next year I pledge to share my thoughts, views and information as I, SOS, (search out solutions) concerning domestic violence through the blog at Time's Up!

The first truth I'd like to share is, "No one has the right to hit you, regardless". If you are a victim, tell yourself what he or she is doing is a crime. You are living with a criminal. I have issues with the the dirty little words "domestic violence." Domestic violence is assault, regardless of whether you know the perpetrator or not. These acts of violence are magnified by the fact that they are carried out by someone who claims to love you.

Second, you know your offender better than anyone. There isn't a one plan fits all situations when leaving. Every situation, every reaction is different. There are safety nets out there to help you end the cycle of abuse.You must become the General in the war within your home.

Not everyone plays by the rules. Stand up for yourself. Make no mistake in thinking justice is blind, fair or balanced by the evidence. Our justice system can often compound the problem. Justice is often corrupt and upheld by the leaders in your community. Sometimes when you stand before the judge, the charges will dumbed down. I believe these options should be taken off the table. If you have the police report, photographs, and medical records what gives any judge the right to decide in favor of releasing a rabid violent perpetrator?

Attitudes must change from the bench down. Judges should be removed for making it easier to commit this crime over and over. It wouldn't hurt my feelings if a judge is held accountable when the results of his decision leads to the death of the victims of domestic violence. He too, is responsible in part for the war within our homes. Justice served would be a shared jail cell with the person he released to commit murder.

I am a believer in the 2 strike rule penalty. If a violent abuser crosses the line twice and strikes again, he shouldn't get a "get out of jail free card". He should go straight to jail for no less than 3 years with no reduced sentence for good behavior. This give you, the victim, time to rebuild your life. His assets should be seized, sold, and given to you as victims compensation, not only for the torment you have suffered, but financially it can ease dependence on organizations for temporary housing. Three years will give victims time to heal scars and rebuild their life free from abuse.

The person who hits you or forces you to have sex would be sitting in jail if he tried the same on a stranger. Not the second time, but the first offense. He can't beat the server at a restaurant because he ordered a steak medium rare and cuts into a well done piece of meat. He can't force a sales clerk into sex, often deviant sex acts, just because he thinks she should want it. So why should a judge make a ruling based on the fact that you know the perpetrator? It's a crime, plain and simple. This type of criminal enjoys inflicting pain. He is a predator with a killer instinct. He wants to kill all that is good in you.

I want to compel those living with abuse to step into the journey that will lead them to a place of safety. The transformation will not be an easy river to cross as you move from victim to survivor to warrior... Hell bent on beating the odds. Your life will be riddled with danger, obstacles, stigmas, and discrimination. Are you worth it? Certainly. Can you do it? I did. When you cross the turbulent waters, you will love yourself.

One of the first mistakes you may have made is in the thought, "It isn't that bad, or I can control it." This thought could prove to be fatal. Trust your instinct. Fear is your friend. You are fighting a war. Don't negotiate with the liar who claims to love you and raises his fist to you. Cut off all contact. Be strong and develop your strategy for victory over abuse. Will you win every battle? It's doubtful, but keep your eye on winning the war.

Truths are easy to understand, sometimes not pretty, and often hidden right under our nose when they are discovered. How do you discover the truth concerning domestic violence? You survive it... and then one day share what you've learned with others trying to process the costly results of abuse.

I've adopted a phrase written by Maya Angelou "I can be changed by what has happened to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it". Amen.

By the time you read this blog, I will be working the production side one of the largest celebrated bass fishing events. An event when the top 100 anglers in the world compete for $500,000. 00 dollars and the title of Champion. These men are hero's and mentors in my world. They've welcomed me into a world where I can live my dreams in the present. One day, maybe I will get the opportunity to fish such a prestigious event.

Whatever your dream is, take the chance. Be safe, be informed, be strong enough to ask for help and live your dreams. Life is too precious to live with the horror that can tear you apart piece by piece, moment by angry moment.

Until next time I write, I will be fishing steady for the little green monsters called the black bass and I'll be fishing for you! I'm hoping to pull you out of the deep waters of abuse.

Much love, courage and peace to you. karen

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