The Defeatist Attitude of the Domestic Violence Movement: The Need for Prevention

By Lyn Twyman

There's a defeatist attitude in the domestic violence movement in this country.  There are several state coalitions and organizations that instead of coming together and finding solutions, they bicker, whine and complain about why things aren't working.  They are keeling over in the wallow of despair and have become more concerned with the continuous band aid remedy instead of writing a prescription (words in part by Susan Murphy-Milano) for the domestic violence epidemic.  They lack the utilization of prevention, intervention and technology to keep victims and the public at large safe.  As a result, newer, more comprehensive methods like the Mosaic Method, The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit, and now the National Domestic Violence Registry are being embraced in growing numbers throughout the United States in response to the lack of prevention in this country. 

Recently I spoke with the executive director of one of the largest state domestic violence coalitions in the country.  Within the first minute of phone introductions, the executive director was almost hollering at the top of her voice at this mild mannered, gracious advocate.  Her voice was filled with anger and a heaviness of breath as if she was about to explode.   I am a survivor of domestic violence and I made that very clear to her in our conversation, not some person who is far removed from this issue.  That didn't matter to her, however.  Her words to me were, "Most of us are survivors so that's neither here nor there."  Ladies and gentlemen, these were the words of the leader of an organization whose mission is to help victims of domestic violence!  And what was she so upset about?  She was upset at the fact that she returned my call to discuss The National Domestic Violence Registry and desire to engage in a friendly dialogue of solutions to the problem of domestic violence.  After all, her organization came highly recommended from several sources.  Never did I think that she would become an angry individual over the phone in just a matter of seconds.

The executive director proceeded to make comments like a sex offender registry was better than a domestic violence registry, that victims will end up in the registry, that a registry will cost millions of dollars, that a domestic violence registry won't work!  But I'd like to publicly rebut those comments here:

No. 1 For any domestic violence advocate to deny her own cause and minimize victims is appalling and a sick tragedy to the movement of helping crime victims especially, in this case, domestic violence. 

No. 2 The National Domestic Violence Registry has created a model where we encourage the states to take a greater look at repeat offender records.

No. 3 Domestic violence is causing this country billions of dollars each year in just its aftermath alone.  Millions of dollars is nothing compared to the billions that are wasted on cleaning up the gruesome battlefield.  As the saying goes, 'An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.'  There’s no price tag that can be placed on any person’s life.

No. 4 A domestic violence registry, just like any program, will work if it's run effectively.  There are many coalitions and organizations that have programs now that aren't effective.  So to that executive director, her statement was one of a curious, eyebrow raising sort, not a resilient, hopeful one.  And aren’t we to be positive change makers if we are to continue to help victims survive this battlefield?

Why aren't some of these coalitions focusing more on prevention with the funding and man power that they currently have? I believe it's because many organizations, like the sounds of that executive director, are simply burned out, defeated by working in a system for 15 to 30 years.  Additionally, to that executive director, she mentioned carrying the frustration at going through domestic violence records, finding it hard to determine who the real victims are.  But frustration will get us NO WHERE.  What she has managed to do is to become so desensitized that to me the evidence of compassion burnout has dominated her speech and rationale. Change is not too much to ask for those who are living in the nightmare of domestic violence or for those who have lost a loved one to it.

Many people said the sex offender registry would not work but it does work, and it's very telling when an executive director for one of the largest domestic violence coalitions says that a sex offender registry is better than a domestic violence registry, again denying her own cause.  Why are advocates like this ED giving up and even discriminating against the very people they're paid to help.  Why are they choosing to fight against the legislatures that are trying to help them and others in the community?   We all know that help is hard to find these days and it seems that victim services are being stale mated in part by the very people who say they want to help.  So we are truly at a sad state right now in this country because of this unhealthy mentality.   Talk about unhealthy relationships, there are unhealthy mentalities within the domestic violence movement and it's quite sickening.  According to Benjamin Lichtenwalner, founder of Modern Servant Leader, he writes, “frustration is a sign that you may be focused on yourself and not the needs of others. Therefore, as a leader in you[r] organization, frustration should be a warning sign to you as well. When you feel frustrated, remember your calling as a leader to serve those you lead, first.”  Leaders of domestic violence organizations should work extra hard to avoid letting frustration overtake them as to avoid lashing out at strangers and fellow advocates so solutions to helping victims can be created and more prevention takes place in this country.

Had the executive director not chosen to lash out at me, maybe she would have learned more about The National Domestic Violence Registry and all of the wonderful educational models and programs we promote, created by survivors, survivors of lost loved ones, and even leading experts.  Her assumptions were wrong and quite closed minded, a ‘Let’s cut her off at the chase because it’s either my way or the high way’ thought process, no respect for the person she chose to call back.  But as I told that executive director, domestic violence registries are not going away, and instead of working with the states, organizations, and survivors that want to see change in this way, organizations like hers are fighting against women and men that want more preventative solutions.  Like I said, it's time to stop putting band aids on the problem and start writing prescriptions.

There are thousands and thousands of repeat offenders of domestic violence each year including misdemeanor and felonious civil and criminal offenders.   These are the ones who belong in the registry.  Yes, it's a given that some state laws have to be changed, but the assumption on the part of some domestic violence coalitions and organizations who just continue to make excuses against prevention models, instead of saying 'How can we make this work?', is getting quite old and more and more people are dying to domestic violence.  And it's not necessarily that all of those said orgs just don't want change, it's that they're afraid and stuck on old ways of thinking.  And yes, some of them are afraid of losing funding. 

The realities that victims face today include modern day complications that require modern day solutions.  The domestic violence movement has progressed but there are some that are stuck back in time 15 years ago, advocate organizations and law makers alike.  That's why it's important to work together, not go on the attack at survivors, organizations and legislatures who finally decide to speak up. This crabs in a barrel, defeatist attitude feeds the abusers and re-victimizes the victims.  It doesn’t empower the victims into becoming survivors nor help the families that have lost loved ones.  It doesn't help in shattering the silence of domestic violence.  The sad thing about it is, this defeatist attitude will continue to keep all of us in a losing battle if we don't create and implement more preventative solutions very soon.  There's no more time for the domestic violence field to poke its mouth out and pout any longer.

So to the women and male survivors, to the children survivors, to the elderly survivors, to the disabled survivors, to the LGBT survivors, and to the families and friends that grieve everyday for lost loved ones, I say this to you, you are not forgotten.  The National Domestic Violence Registry and its partners will not bear a defeatist attitude.  We have a team of experts and supporters that want to see change and we welcome EVERYONE with an idea on how to make prevention stronger in this country. 

They said ending slavery was a bad idea.  They said desegregation was a bad idea.  They said the feminist movement was a bad idea.  They said The National Sex Offender Registry was a bad idea.  So let's end the slavery of domestic violence, the fear that causes even coalition executive directors to lash out at those they say they have committed to serve.  The National Domestic Violence Registry and public state registries aren't bad; they are indeed good and to the benefit of the public at large.

Domestic violence is the number 1 killer of women in this country.  We all have the right to know if someone is a repeat domestic abuse offender.  It's better to find out in order to prevent the assault from occurring again than to lie over a casket and cry aloud to the high heavens 'I wish he/she had known'.  And yes, a registry will be a deterrent against repeat offenders.  The evidence won’t be in more deaths, it will be in people becoming more aware of repeat offenders, the seriousness of these offenses, and making more informed decisions. This will logically result in fewer deaths.  So the time is here; the time is now.  Don't talk about why something can't work; talk about why it will work and save lives. 

And now I’d like to leave you with this.  The Japanese have a bond of unity, a tradition called "ittai," which means to become one body.  In the midst of national crises, they have learned to organize themselves and support each other without little instruction from the government or outside interception.   Domestic violence is one of our country’s national crises.  The domestic violence field can take a big lesson from the Japanese and practice some “ittai”.

WILL THE TRAGEDY IN FORT HOOD FINALLY SEND A S.O.S. (SAVE OUR SOLDIERS)?

By Michelle Simonsen, True Crime Writer and Victim's Rights Advocate

In the spirit of Veteran’s Day, and in the unfortunate tragedy of Fort Hood; I felt it necessary to address the obvious refusal of the military and the government to appropriately address the mounting numbers of Veterans living with untreated mental illnesses.

Fort Hood may have been dealt with a massive blow of tragedy last week, but just a year ago in Fort Hood, on September 8, 2008, an altercation between a soldier and his commanding officer ended in a murder suicide.

Do you remember hearing about that case? I don’t.

The next day on September 9, 2008, a VA report acknowledged that suicide rates for young male Iraq and Afghanistan veterans hit a record high in 2006. (Cite)

Marine suicides have doubled between 2006 and 2007, and Army suicides are at the highest level since records were first kept in 1980. Reported suicide attempts jumped 500% between 2002 and 2007. “The Defense Department says the numbers may be partly attributable to better compliance with reporting requirements.” (Cite)

Reporting requirements? Better compliance? Better than what? Has the military lacked its duty in the past? Has the government been feeding us with false information and statistics that aren’t even the tip of the real iceberg?

What am I getting at? What’s my point? The government has failed our Veterans in a big way.

On November 6, 2008, the National Survey on Drug Use and Health Report stated, “Recent research indicates that an estimated 25 to 30 percent of the Veterans of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have reported symptoms of a mental disorder or cognitive condition. Untreated mental health problems can result in long-term negative consequences for the affected individuals, their families, their communities, and our Nation as a whole.”

Once a Soldier returns home, there is no “checks and balances list” on how to cope with regular civilian life. Specifically, no one checks or receives updates on a returning Soldier’s mental health status unless that Soldier specifically requests help. This is a huge barrier since the majority of returning Soldiers are men, and historically men avoid mental health care, therapy and medication.

Kyle Bahrs, a 29-year-old Midwest native was married to a two tour Army Sergeant who served in Iraq from 2005 to 2008. "Tim" currently suffers from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) in addition to a traumatic brain disorder that left him 70% disabled.

Kyle knew "Tim" before he joined the Army and served in Iraq. “He was ‘normal’. Trivial things didn’t bother him, he was fun.” After returning "Tim" went from a fun loving guy to “a cruel, mean and abusive man.”

"Tim's" life became crippled by his untreated Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and received no mental health care until Kyle insisted, threatening their marriage. Kyle stated “the health care system was completely overbooked, he was rushed, and there were never enough people working.” She continued, “It was completely bureaucratic. It took "Tim" at least two months just to get in to see someone. And when he did they acted like they didn’t give a shit. It was so disheartening because he put his life on the line and didn’t receive any gratitude and the most basic need once a solider returns. Psychological health care.”

While Kyle was married to "Tim", he started drinking excessively and was becoming violent. “He got real paranoid. He wouldn’t answer the door unless he had a gun in his hand.” Then there were the nightmares, “He would wake up screaming…he had dreams and visions of the faces of the people that he killed. I felt helpless. What do you say to that?”

According to the U.S. Army Center for Health Promotion and Preventative Medicine on Combat Stress there is a list of mental and physical symptoms before, during and after deployment. I showed Kyle this list and she said that "Tim" displayed practically every single symptom.

Common Stressors to the Deployment Cycle:

Pre-Deployment (from notification to departure)

• Anger and protest
• Emotional detachment
• Family stress
• Marital disagreements

Deployment (from departure to return)

• Emotional destabilization and disorganization
• Sadness, depression, disorientation, anxiety, loneliness
• Sleep disturbances
• Health complaints
• Financial problems
• Some find the midpoint of deployment as the time of greatest stress
• Fear for safety of deployed service member

Reunion

• Apprehension over redefined roles and power dynamics

Post Deployment

• Honeymoon period
• Resentment over loss of independence
• Insecurity about place in reconfigured system
• Service member may have difficulty disengaging from combat mission orientation.
• Domestic violence

Soldier Combat Stress Reaction

Physical

• Trouble falling asleep
• Oversleeping
• Waking up in the middle of the night
• Difficulty with sexual and non sexual intimacy
• Fatigue
• Feeling jumpy
• Being easily started

Emotional

• Feeling overwhelmed
• Depression
• Irritability
• Feeling numb
• Difficulty readjusting to family routines
• Difficulty reconnecting with family
• Discomfort being around other people or in crowds
• Frustration
• Guilt
• Crying

Cognitive

• Difficulty with memory
• Loss of interest/motivation
• Concentration problems
• Difficult talking about deployment experiences
• Loss of trust

(Source: U.S. Army Center for Health Promotion and Preventative Medicine on Combat Stress, Soldier Combat Stress Reaction Brochure)

Steffan, a 40-year old African American Gulf War Veteran, stated that there was no “mental health” process after he returned to the United States. He stated, “mental health wasn’t even an issue that people thought about.” He added that a lot of guys he knew who had problems started drinking to “dull it away”. If someone needed mental health services, they had to initiate it.

It’s easier to ignore a bad situation by depending on alcohol or drugs, especially when that person doesn’t have strong family support.

As a Country that boasts the best military in the world, we have a lot to learn about humans themselves. These issues need be taken seriously by the military, and our government needs to consciously implement statistic-changing policies before we start to see a change in this downward spiral of unnecessary human demise that affects us all.

Send your concerns to the following:

Department of Defense

http://www.defenselink.mil

Department of Defense Task Force on Mental Health

5205 Leesburg Pike

Falls Church, Virginia 22041-3258

Read their 2007 Annual Report:

http://www.health.mil/dhb/mhtf/MHTF-Report-Final.pdf

Michelle Simonsen is a victim's rights advocate, crime analyst and blogger for "Michelle Says So", founder of the grassroots consumer boycott, "Boycott Aruba--Justice for Natalee Holloway", an advisory board member of "Survivors in Action", and is a contributing writer for "Now Public", and "True Crime Talk".

"Trust Me, I AM YOUR INTUITION"

By Anny Jacoby

You are walking to your friend's home suddenly it is night fall. The directions you were emailed earlier in the day from your friend are a bit confusing, you're not exactly sure where you are. You pick up the pace, walking faster, you pass Second Street, Third Street, Fourth Street, Fifth Street. In an instant your eyes are drawn away from the piece of paper in your hand and you look around, realizing that you are now, totally lost.

You panic. You begin to speak to yourself, "Breathe....breathe". Looking around you feel vulnerable because you do not know where you are; your mind is trying to figure out where you might be and you are limiting your self-protection because you are distracted. As you continue to walk toward the next block, you see two men leaning against the side of a building. You start to think.....Should I ask them for directions? However, you start to get a deep uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach.

Something is telling you to turn around and go in the opposite direction. The warning voice in your head will not go away and it only gets louder and louder matching the increased pace of your heartbeat. You stop, the slight hesitation in your footsteps grabs the attention of the two men. Do you ignore your gut feeling and brush off this strange feeling as paranoia? Or, do you listen to THE voice in your head of the warning signals going off and run like hell?

Listening to intuition is often the most ignored safety step. Intuition and awareness are the first two steps to safety. It's always easier to dismiss our hunches with logic or rationalizations. In some cases, we can get away with choosing to listen to logic or wishful thinking over our intuition. But the consequences of taking unnecessary chances can be something we carry for the rest of our life if something bad happens.

We often do not respect our instincts/intuition because we don't want to become paranoid and make unreasonable decisions as a result. We need to be able to trust our gut, our brain needs to be equally involved in that process. The best way to determine the usefulness and accuracy of intuition is to use it. When it comes to deciding whether or not to confront a possible dangerous situation and you begin to get that weak, ill, warning feeling....it's best to trust those warning signs. This is YOUR INTUITION facing the threat and telling you to get away.

So, you ask....how can I tune in to hear my intuition? Following these suggestions may be of help:

1. Listening to intuition always requires a choice of where you place your attention. Ignore anything that will distract your attention.

2. Be silent.

3. While being silent, focus your attention on emotional feelings, images or words that come to your mind. This allows you to identify what your intuition is saying.

4. Be willing to do what intuition says to do.

5. Don't question it: Intuition NEVER engages debating.

6. Follow your intuition.

7. Understand that other people will always have judgments about you. You determine what is right for you! Don't do what your best friend or others tell you what to do. Don't rely on trusting your elders because we have heard for years "they have the years of experience". Listen to your own intuition and act on it.

Your intuition will ALWAYS lead you in the right direction. You are the only one that knows what YOU are feeling.

Isn't it just easier to trust intuition?

Is there anything wrong with BEING SMART?

I would rather be wrong of my intuition than risk putting myself in danger.

Wouldn't you?

Take care and STAY SAFE!