Vulnerability In Change Part II-Let's Get Naked!

by Pamela Chapman

Vulnerability In Change: Part I — Just Like Junior High Again

In my last piece, I shared the true story of my recent transition to the Yucatan. I was completely transparent and honest. I know the power of transparency. I have experienced its transforming power firsthand. My initial experience was working for the Orange County Rescue Mission in Southern Cal as a case manager. I had been warned that I should never, ever share my personal story with clients. But, I had no other story. I told it and the chains and bondages fell away.

My second experience was through the mentorship of my business coach Maria Simone accompanied by her techie, genius husband Michael (aka Doc) Murdock. Several years ago, during an online coaching session with several on the call, I shared my anxieties, my feelings of helplessness (aka self-pity), and paralysis. The session took a different course becoming a spiritual healing session for not just me but for all.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the best way—the only way for me to assist others in their healing is to bear my soul; being naked before my audience; allowing them to realize I too have set backs, misfortunes, challenges as well as major successes and victories.

I believe there is not one of us still breathing on this living earth who has achieved expert level. When you get to the place where you believe you are, the next phase comes accompanied by growing pains, to launch you to the next plateau. When you ascend to where you are un-teachable or the master, you are allowed to cross over into the next realm. There are days I spend more time practicing what I teach than actually teaching. I am one who believes we all teach what we need to know. There are days when I ask, seek, knock and then ask some more.

What Went Wrong

What happens in your life course, in your stretching if you’re aware, is you become more and more enlightened. So what does that mean? It means you no longer need a building to fall on your head when the expanding life lesson appears. It means you respond to light: the light taps, the light study, the light path. You become in tune with light. When there is a lesson to learn, you grasp it openly and willingly. It means you no longer blame your present or your journey on someone or something. You take responsibility. Transparency is the path of the enlightened journey.

When I was attracting cheaters and twisted souls in my Yucatan transition I asked, “What is going on with me? Why am I attracting this? What’s up with all these adolescent, junior-high, teenage fears revisiting? More importantly I asked, “What did I subconsciously or consciously ask the Universe?” (I’ll provide these answers in upcoming episodes.)

I know the tools. I teach the tools. I have learned tools from others and refined them. I have the hidden knowledge or what some call the secret. I know who I am and I understand my calling. But, I am also wise enough to understand pride comes before the fall. So, I never attempt to pretend I’ve got it ALL together. Oh no! I don’t need any lessons in humility. Well so at least I believed. You’ll hear more about the Yucatan humility lesson soon enough.

“What I want you to understand, especially my beautiful sisters out there, it proves nothing and nothing is gained by pretending you have no problems, weaknesses or challenges. The mask conceals ones true identity and alienates those you could possibly assist.” It intimidates. It allows others to believe they will never, ever be able to accomplish what you are: perfection.  (I’m reminded here of a Scripture that speaks of one’s righteousness or self-righteousness being as a filthy rags. And ladies, this Scripture ain’t talking about a dust rag.) 

When you remove the mask and share your story or your mystery (my story) with others, when you are transparent, filled with light, you permit others to not only see your challenges but your victories and overcoming as well. It gives them hope in accomplishing the same. You allow them to join you on the enlightenment or the road to glory.

My Solution

Each morning, in spite of feeling vulnerable, I would take time to ground. I would do the work to reduce, calm, and eradicate the mind chatter. With all of the challenges my new and unfamiliar environment had brought me, each day I was determined to find balance, joy and peace. Each day, my goal was to become a little more familiar with my new surroundings.

Whether it was exploring the new coast with my lab pals; or learning how to say, “Stop here please” in Spanish so I could ride the bus; or shopping and having lunch with my gorgeous expat sisters in the magical city of Merida, there was always the choice: drown in my sorrows and helplessness or make the best out of the seemingly mess.  I could be the victim or be victorious.

A Reality Reminder

The vulnerability I have recently experienced reminded me of the women I talk to. It reminded me of the teenage girl leaving elementary school trying to fit and find her way in junior high. It reminded me of the woman going through a harrowing divorce or the woman who has lost her soul mate to death having to deal with urgent family affairs, adjust to being single, and no longer being accepted amongst her married friends.

It reminded me of the woman losing her job having worked for the same employer for fifteen or twenty years, having climbed the corporate ladder, now being snubbed by what were once her professional peers. It reminded me of the woman who’d been abused and battered finding a shelter not only being distanced from the foe she still somehow loves; but, being isolated from family and friends, as well.

Nothing stays the same but change. We can fight it, judge it, or roll with it. When major transition comes upon us bringing unfamiliar turf, Vulnerability with a capital V rears its ugly head. It will have you asking yourself, “Am I okay?” It will make you paranoid. It will render you fearful.  It can cause paralysis. It will make you crazy in your head, emotions, crippling your mind, body and soul.

There is never any shame for your feelings, even those of vulnerability. The shame is wearing it beneath a mask while it festers, rots and stinks. The shame is getting comfortable in it and making excuses for it. The shame is remaining in its grip being its lifeless slave and limp casualty.

—To be continued

Pamela Chapman is Founder of iAscend Programs, an author and certified life coach who has worked extensively with victim services organizations and advocated for many years.  She now spends her time writing and traveling, living each day as a new adventure!  Her latest blog is You Are Not A Victim

The Art of Meditation

By Jillian Maas Backman

Life coaching and counselors alike emphasized the importance of devoting a portion of your day to quiet time. These insightful reflective moments are a way to release stress and help maintain a stable mental equilibrium. The practice of meditation is a perfect way to start.

Meditation dates back thousands of years and has ties to eastern philosophical thought. Spiritual processes that transcend cultural diversity and encourage all human beings to explore focused detachment and obtain lasting inner peace.

I am thrilled this ancient art has hit a mainstream cord with thousands of individuals who are seeking out how-to classes and attending group mediations with sincere passion. However, with every new trend comes a significant nuance that skews original translations and water-down the overall effects. This does not necessary qualify this trend as bad. It does however; create deviations from its original teachings, meant to create a calm inward environment for the mind, body and spirit to flourish.

There are some who cast a discouraging net over this holistic practice with an over active imagination and implied implications who suggest that one can escape into a world of trances without personal consent and render a person incoherent and powerless over his or her own human choices. Suggesting that delving into an esoteric altered state of consciousness where one looses all control is somewhat nonsensical. To assume a person can become that incoherent from sitting in quiet reflection is rather naive. Do not get me wrong here. There are times when you can experience a sense of boundlessness and escape to a world of quiet nothingness. However, I can honestly report from years of meditating I have never experienced anything the naysayers have to offer as a reasonable reason to refrain from this powerful exercise. In fact, I attribute much of my soul expansion to this daily practice.

I have been meditating on a daily basis for many years. Way before it was the “in- thing” to do. I consider meditation as one of my spiritual tools for sustaining my own wellness. As my life filled with beautiful gifts of family and career, I found myself being irritated by circumstances. Letting go of the little stuff was difficult and I waited until they were blown way out of proportion and became big stuff. It was becoming more difficult to separate my issues from everyone else’s and found myself heading down a road littered with human negativity and disappointment. This set me on a search for something that would create wholeness again.

We are bombarded with constant stimuli from the moment we wake to the moment we retire for the evening. It is virtually impossible to accidently create downtime with this action packed reality. Like exercise, one has to commit and schedule contemplative sessions every day.

Meditation can assist those who live in or with stressful situations and partners. It is a gentle way of tutoring yourself to detach mentally and emotionally from the worries around you. Like unraveling a tightly wound ball of twine one session at a time, it can help separate out issues you could not sense before and provide linear clarity to what is truly in front of you. It may not provide the exact answers one is searching to find. It can help isolate truths you need to examine by eliminating “background noise” from others, de-clutter the mind and regain control for the future. A clear head will prevail affording you the ability to connect with your own inner knowing and sense the right answers for yourself.

The Art of Meditation

When we think of meditating, the first mental picture that comes to mind is a thin structured person, legs crossed in front of them in the lotus position with palms together over the heart area. This image is synonymimous with what people perceive as the proper way of achieving Zen. Although this exercise is suitable for some, it is not necessarily suitable for everyone. There are dozens of ways people can achieve the same quiet results.

Are you an extrovert or an introvert?

Not all meditative practices are done in the same manner. The ultimate goal is to be able to sit in comfortable position for extended periods relaxing and letting go of all the cares in the world. This is proven the most effective way the body, mind and soul can reach a state of complete energetic calm and tranquility. However, if you are an extrovert and attempt to begin your practice with this form of meditation in particular you may be setting yourself up for possible failure.

Extroverts, those of you that have to be in constant motion will be fighting a mind-chatter battle if you start with the common sitting position mentioned above. These kind of people love to exercise and be active most of the day. Calming down and sleeping at night can sometimes be a challenge. The traditional sitting position will leave you unfulfilled and you will probably give- up from boredom.

It would be to your best interest if you started with a “walking meditation” instead. When I say walking, I mean walking, not running. Walking infers a slow and methodical rhythm. This kind of rhythm will take you into a more serene tempo and begin to bring the energy level in your mind and body to a more subdued state.

Your next step is to eliminate the internal mind- chatter with the use of predetermined power words. Begin this process by asking yourself this internal question every time you prepare to walk. What power words or statements best describe the state for which I aspire to achieve? Spiritual clarity, calm, or patience. It may or may not change with each walk. I will share an example of my own power statement I have been using for several years now. “I am safe and at peace with who and what I am. I relinquish my ego to the highest truth.”

Once you have your power statement focused in your mind, it is time to start walking. Time your words with your steps. By doing this action in cadence, the mind noise will naturally fade away and emptiness will set it. You will be amazed how simple this happens without struggles. Walk as far as you need until you feel an inner sense of balance making its way back into your mind, body, and soul.

The more you repeat this exercise, the quicker you will hop into the meditative zone without effort. It will be entirely up to you if you want to move into the next stage of training yourself to sit or stay with walking. Either way you will succeed on finding that quiet universe within.

Introverts, those of you who prefer a less vigorous way of life and relish in a more cerebral existence. This kind of person can go to sleep easy and have some command over turning off the inner mind- chatter at will. Lucky!

You would be an awesome candidate for a more traditional way of meditating as I described above. Sit quietly undisturbed in an environment conducive for releasing stress after a busy day. Expect the mind chatter to peak when you first begin. This is your first clue that you are doing something correct! It is simple brain activity reacting to internal cues signaling it is time for conscious rest. Like any little child when you put them down to sleep, their first reaction is to resist. Let this spike run its natural course. If you attempt to fight against the word-filled stream of consciousness, it will only intensify. It will settle down after a few moments. Most people give up right at this point with frustration. Believe me, once you get through this common stage the world inside will open up in ways you cannot predict. The struggle is worth the pay-offs. There are years of experiential baggage built up and ready to be released. Relax and take it in stages.

Position yourself in a place where you can feel both emotional and physically safe. Close your eyes slowly. Make this action very deliberate to signal to yourself “I am going to mediate now.” Place your hands at your side or in a prayer position. After you master this casual method of meditating, you can search out more formal training on the proper way of practice. Leave those techniques for later when you become proficient and ready to step up your level of meditation. For now, do what feels right in the moment.

Again, have a power word, phrase or even sound prepared. Internally say the word to yourself with each inhale of your breath and exhale the energy that comes up from inside. Repeat this process until you feel yourself letting go of stress from the inside out. This will send out signals to the body’s internal mechanism to settle down. Sit as long as you can stand it. The first couple of attempts may be nothing more than mind purging. This is still incredible progress. If you are willing to stick with either meditative method over time you will reach spiritual bliss.

Lastly, the breath. This probably is the most crucial part of meditation, but not necessarily, in the way you think. The breath does bring down all body systems simultaneously. For most beginners, anxiety sets in the minute they sit down to do this exercise. The anticipation of doing it right overtakes their need for relaxation. Expect your heart to race with the excitement of your anticipated meditative experience. Deep breathing will force you through this initial reaction and into the meditative zone. It is exciting once you figure out how to get into that zone with a few simple breaths.

Try the breathing technique I have taught many. When you take a breath inward, the inhale, aim the breath towards the back of your head. Like a diagonal line beginning at the roof of your mouth and extending to the crown of your skull upward. On the exhale, imagine the breath releasing from the highest point on your head into the body downward covering the entire body with oxygen. Some of you may experience light-headedness. That is ok! I Repeat and let the energy move in and out with each breath. Eventually, nothingness will replace your conscious attempts at breathing. The more you can teach yourself this breathing technique the quicker you will enter into the quiet zone. Stay as long as you want. Your mind and body will signal you when it is time to come back into the real world. P.S. No need to hurry back.

There will always be a fine line between living in the world and living of the world. Living in the world is a life too consumed with minute dramas and no daily meditation. Thus, risking the chance of missing opportunities for growth. Living of the world is a life with meditation and being somewhat detached from the dramas around us. Granting one the possibility to see all options clearly from a neutral point of view.

Meditate with no expectations; it is the only way to see clearly the chosen way.

In loving gratitude,

Jillian Maas Backman, Author, Beyond The Pews, Breaking With Traditions and Letting Go Religious Lockdown.  www.jillianmaasbackman.com

Who's Counting? 1,2,3... 34?

(Picture from OABI)

By Karen Rae Elkins

Putting a number on the number of offenses you will endure from an intimate partner before you attempt to report the abuse, takes my breath away. I was talking to an Ontario Provincial Police Officer, a woman who worked the domestic violence unit. She said studies show a woman does not report the abuse until the 34th offense. Thirty Fourth, 34 x's, Mid-thirties, any way you write it or say it, 34 is 34 times too many. That's like finishing 34th in a tournament of 34 boats.

So what happens between the first violent act and the 34th? A whole bunch of excuses, accusations, and threats that stack up until they cast a shadow over the light of day. Your memory becomes dull so that the pain you feel is replaced with a distant numbness. Your ability to communicate you feelings seems to be under constant attack. You carry the fear of failure because you are, according to the abuser, "A disappointment", "A failure at everything that brings you joy or happiness".

For me, I just got bold and said, no more. It was 2005 when my boat left the Mad Winds of just taking it. The time had come to lay low on a lake somewhere and work through the creeks of right and wrong. I never returned, never considered going back. My disbelief had mushroomed into lying: lying to myself, and lying and others. The proof that he was abusive was there the first time. Each event might have been a different strategy of abuse or a reflection of the older stuff. Like the weather, it changed, like a stretch of domino's my spirit fell, and fell, and fell, until it lay motionless on the floor.

The last time would be just that, the last time. I promised myself I would leave, I didn't like the way I was living. I waited for a change that I would never see. I didn't know at the time that abuse never changes. There will always be a next time, and a time after that time, and a whole bunch of regretted past times.
Who's counting? Are you dwelling in abuse? Have you figured out where you are on this scale? Are you willing to acknowledge the survivor in you? Women just like you and me have survived through the ages. With all honesty, ask yourself, "Will I survive until the 34 th offense? What about the one's who never see the 34th chance to report a crime was committed? Be a part of their voice, share in building a life without violence in their memory.

If this is your time to say no more, seek the advise of professionals in the field. Leaving an abusive relationship is dangerous. The chances of retaliation come swiftly after you leave. Be smart and survive because you want to... Because you can.

Fish steady in all you do. Love from Lake St. Fransis, in the peaceful fishing town of Salaberry de Valleyfield, Quebec, Canada.

One last thought before I fish:

Today is my birthday! My birthday wish for you is that the river of protection flow over you while the call to leave stirs in your soul. Tomorrow, I compete in one of the largest tournaments in Canada, the Berkley B-1. Anglers from 4 provinces and the U. S. compete for the opportunity to B the 1, be the winner. I am fishing with Pro Kasey Fedoriw, my future husband and best friend. If you are reading this note from me, it's not to late to Be The One who wins by leaving your abusive partner. I'm not shooting for 34 th place, anymore. When I left my situation a desire to finish first was born.

Karen Rae Elkins is a survivor of intimate partner violence as well as a professional women's angler.  She has always been an inspiration to others, assisting and advising through her advocacy and example.

Hot Dog, It’s Healin’ Time

By Heidi Hiatt

We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them
without removing some of our own skin. -André Berthiaume

Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, said, “The most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy.”

I find it very disturbing when people fall for this mind game, a trap that low to no conscience types and their defenders instinctively set when cornered. Finding themselves in the hot seat, they divert onlookers’ attention from their misdeeds to all other possible causes of their behavior, including how society, their parents, their education, and their uncle’s former college roommate’s cousin’s deranged hedge trimmer-wielding hamster all have responsibility for their “mistakes”. Heaven forbid they should have to take responsibility for their own choices.

When Congressmen Anthony Weiner’s resignation speech was broadcast live on the radio this week, I couldn’t help but slip into psychology mode and analyze the content. The speech began with a recap of “what the people wanted” and how he became a Congressman because of their will. It came across as “remember, happy campers, you want me. Resignation isn’t what you want. Everything I do, I do it for you.”

Then, as he spoke over hecklers who exhibited the maturity of a seventh grade locker room, he embarked on a progression of pseudo-apologies that peaked with a statement I found curiously similar to the “apologies” serial killers give in court. The congressman said something to the effect of, “most importantly, I need to take time out for myself, so I can heal.”

Um… dude. Really? That’s all you’ve got? That’s the pinnacle of a weird attempt at remorse? Where’s the apology for lying, or to any victims, or to your wife, or…? You’re the most important person, the most harmed individual in this? Wow. That’s pathetic. Sounds like the greatest love… of all… was happening to you… (Whitney Houston voice). It’s clear that he was looking out for number one.

I really didn’t care about what Congressman Weiner was doing until I heard a teenager might be involved and then learned he lied about it. Sometimes we just have to admit we’re wrong and do better. According to his initial public statements, though, it sounded like those tighty whities photos just magically teleported themselves to the cell phones of random female fans. It was one of those “I’m sorry, do you think your 300 million fellow Americans are stupid?” moments.

Weiner’s attempted Jedi mind tricks were hopelessly ineffective and transparent. I don’t know enough about him to speculate about his inner condition, but can say that his recent laments sound narcissistic. Many saw through the spins being put on his ethical logjam, but I’m concerned that a case much closer to home is not being seen as objectively.

Yesterday serial burglar, thief, vandal, firearms law violator, fire starter, et cetera Colton Harris-Moore pled guilty to a handful of charges in federal court. He will be sentenced October 28th. The media is reporting that he may serve up to 6½ years in prison, and that he has to “forfeit” or “give up” the profits that will result from his exploits (movie deal, books, and so on). One news site reported that Harris-Moore and his attorneys had a hearty chuckle when the federal prosecutor forgot to mention the theft of a TV dinner (oh, pssht, no biggie even though he had to break into someone’s house to get it, right?).

Note the terminology being used widely in the Seattle area media: he is going to “forfeit” the profits. He has to “give up” the money he could otherwise be making off of his crime spree. This “forfeiting” means he is paying “restitution” to the victims. His attorney says there will be enough money to “pay back” the people he terrorized and stole from (keeping in mind his crimes went far beyond the million dollar mark).

Just as I said, “huh?” as Anthony Weiner “apologized,” now I’m saying, “this is restitution?” How do you “give up” something you don’t have? If you’re “forfeiting” profits, doesn’t that imply that you are foregoing the acquisition or retention of money that belongs to you? I realize that without this stipulation, Harris-Moore could keep the money he’s made off of the victimization of other human beings.

My point is that he’s not earning it, or working for it, or making an effort to pay the victims back himself. He’s “paying them back” by taking advantage of them in the first place. While I applaud the U.S. Attorney’s office for ensuring that this condition be part of the plea deal, it should not be labeled true restitution. Restitution would be breaking rocks in the hot sun, since he fought the law, and the law won. In other words, he should have to do something other than sit back and let the money roll in.

This reminded me of when Harris-Moore “gave” the animal shelter in Raymond $100 while on the lam. Fans cheered his thoughtful act of charity, but others of us thought it unlikely that he had $100 to give; he was probably donating stolen money. At the time I said I hoped his fans would inundate animal shelters with money if they were so happy about it (it would be nice to see some genuine good come out of the followers’ frenzy).

Another strange and murky aspect of the Harris-Moore case that lingers like the stench of a refried beans eating contest in an airtight tour bus is the optimism over his upcoming “rehabilitation.” I don’t know if any psychological evaluations have been conducted since he’s been in custody or who has conducted them. Even if there has been an appropriate assessment of his internal state, the public may not be privy to it (though they should be).

Douglas Adams once said that the most misleading assumptions we make are the ones we don’t even know we’re making, and there is a widespread assumption that because of Harris-Moore’s age and intelligence, he will be rehabilitated. I want to post a billboard-sized neon caution sign with flashing red lights on it right here: we don’t know that. We should not assume that. From what we know through the media’s coverage of Harris-Moore’s crimes, even without seeing the official police and prosecutor’s reports, there is evidence of an almost lifelong pattern of antisocial behavior that’s escalated over time.

People with low to no empathy and remorse, in many cases, are not rehabilitated. Some experts will argue that they can’t be or that the only way to effect any change is to have them engage in a cost-benefit analysis of how their behavior affects themselves. When they are finally convicted of a criminal offense (many are not), they spend their time in prison studying, networking, researching, and impressing everyone with their “model prisoner” status. The parole boards love them and some only serve part of their sentence.

This is how swindlers, rapists, murderers, burglars, and other convicts weasel their way out from behind bars to return to their hunting grounds and strike again. Similar to how some who perpetrate domestic violence get to go to “treatment” to hone their abusing skills, then come out of treatment more deceptive and stealthy than ever, some antisocials, sociopaths, and psychopaths leave prison as “success stories” when in actuality they’re better equipped than ever to victimize others.

Harris-Moore has so many fans, and such an emphasis has been placed on the terrible circumstances of his childhood, youth, and intellect, that some people think he’s going to turn it all around and use his “superpowers” for good. I would remind them that for every Superman, there’s a Lex Luthor. Some use their gifts selflessly, some selfishly.

It is rare that someone entrenched in the wasteland of vanity and megalomania sheds their scales for a cloak of righteousness. They can appear to; those are the scariest kind of people, the ones who appear charitable and moral while pillaging the lives of others for their own ends. As the Good Book says, Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light.

Do I want Harris-Moore to spend his time in prison productively and become a better person? Of course; that’s what we hope incarceration does for people. I can’t limit God’s grace or be certain of the outcome of this mess. Through the lens of forensic psychology, however, I see a lot of red flags that indicate a low potential for genuine change and a number of reasons to be concerned about this guy’s future impact on society.

When people say, “he hasn’t killed anyone,” I want to sit them down and point out that this is how such criminals develop. Besides that, he could have already killed someone—he started a fire in a home in front of a small child, may have fired at police officers, illegally flew planes he didn’t know how to land, and broke into homes.

He also stole an assault rifle from a deputy’s car, was frequently armed, and even fired a gun when apprehended. He seemed paranoid, telling witnesses before his arrest, “they’re going to kill me.” Let’s not forget the time he bailed out of his neighbor’s stolen Mercedes after aiming it towards a large propane tank when deputies were pursuing him.

That childhood people are quick to use as an excuse for his behavior is the same set of circumstances that research is now showing to be a huge contributing factor to antisocial behavior and psychopathy. Some researchers theorize that child neglect or abuse could actually be the “on” switch that activates the sociopathic personality (with the caveat that many sociopaths also have normal childhoods).

Personally I believe that no matter what biological, environmental, or other factors you’re dealing with, you still have a choice as to how you treat others. It is interesting, once you start delving into the excuses people make for someone else’s behavior, how the very factors they believe should exonerate the subject may be the exact things that make them so dangerous.

Logically, the more we believe that elements other than a suspect’s free will influence their victimization of others, the more we should be trying to protect society from them. If they’re not in the driver’s seat, then we need to keep them off of the road and stop sending them back for remedial driver’s ed.

Harris-Moore has yet to face the courts in Island and San Juan County. He may well be sentenced to more time, yet I won’t be surprised if he’s allowed to serve his sentences concurrently. I hope not; he is a danger to society and needs to be punished for his flamboyant, repetitive patterns of evil behavior. While I can’t diagnose him from a distance, I want to be on record as warning the public that all that glitters is not gold, and that “forfeiting” profits from crime is not an indicator of real remorse.

Pleading guilty yesterday was in his best interest. It avoids the risks and costs of a federal trial and he knew he had to pay the piper at least a little. I’m bothered that he probably won’t spend more than a few years in prison (6½? I’d be shocked) and that his mother can still profit from the domestic terrorism spree she helped fuel. I hope that Randy Gaylord and Greg Banks, for the sake of the public they serve, are not merciful and prosecute Harris-Moore to the fullest extent of the law.

Additionally, I want to address the significant number of people who call speaking out against Harris-Moore’s behavior “hatred.” I saw this accusation of “hating” resurface on newspaper discussion boards yesterday. Condemning criminal, dangerous, selfish, and/or antisocial behavior is not hating someone. It is hating the behavior. There is a big difference.

There are people in my life I love, but I abhor the sick and abusive things they do to others. I can hope and pray for the best for them, but I can also keep my distance and do what I can to stop their selfish behavior. My faith does not compel me to tolerate it or accommodate it. If anything, I’m called to stand up for myself and for the victims. That’s what our criminal justice system is supposed to do as well.

Returning to my rant on the self-absorbed woman in the grocery store last night, we have to stop excusing and allowing bad behavior. I can’t join the quasi-religious mysticism of the Colton Harris-Moore cult or think of him as Camano’s own Bart Simpson, just an impish cartoon character who commits endearing acts of comical mischief. No, he’s an adult who has exhibited some strange impulses and hazardous decision making. While an attitude of contrition lingers in the air, I see a smokescreen. Time will tell.

Just as recent presidents have trumpeted the infringement of civil liberties and beefing up of an inefficient government as “for the benefit of the American people,” certain people caught in lies in the news this week may be squirting the same ink. Don’t believe everything they say.

Dig deeper. Look for the spins. Analyze the words and phrases that are being used repeatedly. Think things through for yourself, and don’t let other people make up your mind for you. Ask the ancient Roman question, “qui bono?”—who benefits?

‘Cause hey, buddy, this is about you. You’re the American people. This is what works best for everyone. You wanted this, remember? This is fair. It’s all working out like it’s supposed to. The dishonest among us just need time to go heal themselves. They’re the real victims here. Just give them time, and it’ll all be okay. Right?

Right?

Heidi Hiatt is a Generation X woman who is proud to advocate for crime victims, including domestic violence survivors, people with food allergies, children’s issues, animals, personal privacy rights, government accountability, and ethical law enforcement practices. Read her blog:Truth, Justice, and All-American Allergen-Free Apple Pie Straight Talk in a Crooked World

No Retreat Option

By Charles Moncrief

Every year at Easter we watch The Ten Commandments, Cecil B. DeMille’s epic 1956 remake of his 1923 film. One comment by Pharaoh (Yul Brynner) caught my attention this time. When the fleeing slaves were at the edge of the sea, he said, “The God of Moses is a poor general. He leaves them no retreat.” While it was great for dramatic effect, it was impractical. The Hebrew slaves, beaten up and beaten down for four centuries, were in no condition to disengage the Egyptian army and plan a battle strategy!

As the movie continued, the idea quickly shifted from the language of battle to that of return. That is, the recurring theme was that the slaves return to the hellhole they had left. A few thousand exemplary executions would have been the price for their return to even more ruthless oppression in their former life as slaves. But it was a life they’d known for a long time. This theme was in tension with that of faith, trusting God to take them through their obstacles and lead them to their destiny. In the historical events on which the movie was based, the problem of food and water was solved, as were other issues of leadership. When the Hebrew people first scouted out the Promised Land, only two of the scouts recommended confronting the last obstacle (giants in the place), while the other ten counseled fear. The result was continued wandering in a wasteland for forty more years.

I think the power of Brynner’s taunting statement hits home when I consider domestic violence. But first, let me cover my trail a bit. This was a turning point after the slaves had made a decision (yes, they could have decided to remain where they were). The tensions involved were all in the context of going back to, not escaping from, an oppressive relationship. It would be an unexpected reading of this article to consider it as counsel concerning any existing relationship; I’m addressing only the subject of continuing on course versus turning back.

Staying the course is a recurring theme in human history. So is seeking the perceived comfort of the oppressive relationship. A legend in ancient Sparta told of a mother who killed her son because he had a wound in his back. Lot’s wife became salty when she looked back on the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. In Pilgrim’s Progress John Bunyan has his protagonist outfitted with frontal armor for his upcoming battle with Apollyon in the Valley of Humiliation. In Ephesians 11, the author describes the “whole armor of God” in terms of that of Roman soldiers. There is a breastplate, but not a backplate. (I’m not going to address the wrap-around armor of Europeans, but will leave that consideration for you.)

After you’ve made your escape from an oppressive relationship, and you find yourself deserted by those who once cheered you on, there’s often the sound of a limb being sawed off. Or you’re feeling hung out to dry, because all the support and encouragement are gone. This is where a return to the old life of oppression starts taking on an attractive appearance. This is where the expression “better the devil you know, than. . .” rears its ugly head in your own Valley of Humiliation. This is where you can be vulnerable to unproductive counsel from those you’re around.

But this is where I counsel faith and trust. The resources available through many on this site -- people who have “been there” -- can either directly or indirectly through referrals help you to get through your journey. In deMille’s movie God used Moses’ staff and an east wind to part the sea. Your obstacles may be as dramatic as an army of chariots on one side and death by drowning on the other, but they’re still very real. And it is vital that you get the continued encouragement from those who have seen those obstacles overcome in their own lives.

If you’re not getting this encouragement from friends or family, it may be time to take a breather from those relationships and replace them with fellow-travelers. After you’ve regrouped, rebuilt, and returned to a healthy track, then is the time for you to invite your discouragers back into your inner circle. Your destiny of healing, recovery, and a new life need not be sidetracked by those who would sow a spirit of fear.

My hope goes a bit beyond that. It’s for those things just mentioned, but also for you one day to become one of those who can support those who are starting their own journeys. Yes, this is my level of confidence in the idea of keeping your hand on the plow and not looking back.

Grace and Peace,
Charles+

When Life Doesn't Make Sense

By Neil Schori

Sometimes life makes no sense at all. In the last couple of weeks, I’ve been told things that have rocked my world as I once knew it. These things will have life-long implications for me and how I’ve viewed my existence. I also witnessed a terrible motorcycle accident that placed a man in the ICU. It is in times like these that I want to withdraw and throw away everything that I thought I knew about God and his plans and his providence.

I mean, couldn’t God just step in and STOP bad things from happening?! And when he doesn’t, what does that mean? Am I being punished for something? Is it divine retribution? Or is God not even there? Or even worse…does he just not care? All of these are real questions for those “dark nights of the soul,” aren’t they? Maybe you feel like that today, and you need some direction and truth. I know that I do!

Have you ever read the story of Lazarus? Lazarus was a man in Bible times, and he was known to be a personal friend of Jesus. Well, Lazarus got really sick, and his sisters sent a message to Jesus about it. They knew that if Jesus heard about it, he could make Lazarus well. After all, they’d seen him do this so many times. The blind could see and the paralyzed could walk again. Surely Lazarus would get the same care, right?

The Bible tells us that Jesus stayed where he was for TWO MORE DAYS after getting word of how sick Lazarus was. As a matter of fact, Lazarus died before Jesus even made it into town. That makes no sense to me! I mean, what could be more important than helping someone? I wouldn’t be a pastor for too long at my church if I treated people like that, would I? If this is what it means to be a friend of Jesus’, then I’ll pass on it!

In the Gospel of John 11: 14-15, we hear what Jesus had to say to his followers after he revealed to them that Lazarus had died~

. 14 … “Lazarus is dead, 15 and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.”

At this point, I’m thinking not only was Jesus LATE to heal Lazarus, but then Lazarus died, and Jesus had the guts to say that he was actually glad that he wasn’t there?! That really throws my understanding of God for a complete loop. But then I read the next part of the story and I start to see a little more clearly.

Jesus said that he was glad he wasn’t there to heal Lazarus, not because he didn’t care for Lazarus or because he had other things to do. He told his followers that he was glad that he wasn’t there so that they would believe. But Lazarus is dead? What can Jesus do now? It was already too late, right?

Jesus was so late to heal Lazarus that we find out Lazarus had been buried for 4 days by the time Jesus made his way into town. John 11: 41-44 says~

41 So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. 42 I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.”

43 When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” 44 The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.

Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”

Some of you today can’t make any sense of your lives. It seems like God has forgotten you and you don’t see any silver lining on the horizon. I want to assure you that God has not forgotten you. The story of Lazarus made no sense, either, but God was at work. And he was doing more than just healing. He was breathing life into something that was already dead. Allow that to bring you tremendous hope because in just the same way, he’s working in your lives, too.

Easter is just around the corner and my prayer for all of you is this: that you would trust God to work his resurrection power into your lives. He has not forgotten you. Just believe.

Peace,

Neil

How to Choose Extreme Abundant Living in the Midst of Life’s Confusion—

By Pamela Chapman

As I sat listening to the news and its prediction for new oil pricing due to the current events in the Middle East, a popular song from the past popped into my mind. In fact, this song was quite popular during the turbulent sixties. It was sung by the very popular Temptations, "Ball of Confusion." It was the third or fourth time it had come to me in the past few weeks; so, I turned to my information glut, the Internet, and searched for its lyrics.

It didn't take long to realize why this experience of song had shown up. This popular group sang about racism, hate, revenge, politicians making impossible promises, demonstrations, unemployment, and fear.

I had, personally, stopped watching the news. In fact, I had written to my audience to stop watching the news because of its negativity. However, I realized I was quickly becoming uniformed and ill informed. I made the choice to not only get my news from the television networks, but I made the choice to also read, collect information and then come to my own conclusions.

So, how was I to experience abundant living in the middle of it all-in a world gone completely, absolutely mad? If we add child molestation and pornography, human trafficking, drug-gang wars, intimate-partner abuse, murder, and rape the only possible conclusion one can come to is it is totally impossible, right? Wrong. Absolutely wrong!

To live an abundant life is a choice. I choose to believe that there is a greater power, a higher resonance and vibration that lives in each and every one of us. I believe not only can we demand the greater good in ourselves, but we can command the good in each and every person to shine forth. We can choose love and light; and, in choosing we not only give out love and light, but we push love and light into the darkest and remotest corners of the Universe: to hearts, minds, and souls. In turn, we must be available to receive love and light that is sent out and gifted by others. Thereby, a circle or a cycle is created: a ball of light, vibration, contentment, confidence and creativity.

Perfect love casts out all fear, all confusion, all doubt and anxieties. It covers all faults, short comings and offenses. Understand, living from love does not mean you accept the atrocities of this world, never say no, or cease standing up for what is right and what is justice. Living from love or becoming love is seeking out justice, truth, being a voice for the voiceless, healing the broken hearted, and bringing encouragement and hope to the down trodden. It is making all wrongs right from a place of high vibration and energy not fear, hate, or revenge. It is living from a place of faith, hope and love for yourself and others.

What happens when we choose to act out of fear? We get more fear. When we choose to move from hate, we get more hate. When we choose to act out of revenge we get vengeance from others. Choose to flow from love, and we get? You've got it. It's called the Law of Reciprocity. Life reciprocates exactly what you put out.

I recently found myself in a situation where if I had known the outcome, I would have chosen another path. My coach, who is excellent at delivering me from my self-pity asked, "What would Jesus do?" I snidely remarked, "I don't know," annoyed by the question. Afterward, however, I gave the question a long thought. The answer was simple, He would choose love.

While I am not by any means attempting to convert, I am highly suggesting that in the midst of all the "ball of confusion" in your life and in your world, it is possible to experience abundant living. It is possible to have peace that passes all understanding and absolutely ridiculous joy, gratitude, self-love, wealth, health, and perfect self-expression.

At times, life comes at us cold and hard. Many times life doesn't seem fair. Often times it seems like awful tragedies and atrocities happen to really good people. I am a woman acquainted with suffering and grief. But, I will also tell you this, those experiences made me stronger. They aided in expanding me and making me who and what I am today. And on the road back to me, on the recovery trail, I passed hate, bitterness, anger, fear, low self-esteem and guilt. But, I eventually found the God in me-love.

I had to come to the place of choosing to let go; I had to choose to love and choose to forgive. Yes, I had to choose to love the very people who had turned my world upside down. At times, I fought hard and long. I even fought with God. Who was He to tell me to love my enemies? What did He know? Yes, I went there.

I know it doesn't seem possible or easy. But it is and can be. Go within your heart. Hear the "voice" within. Stand still and know. That standing still doesn't mean doing nothing. It does mean, however, being firm in your beliefs and convictions and not allowing emotion to sway or overtake you. You are the essence of all Creation, all Love, and all Light.

You may choose to believe the world is at its end; or, you may choose to believe the ball of confusion will bring us to an explosion of light, a new consciousness, a new beginning. You may choose to believe you're a victim in this world or you may choose to be an agent of change. You may choose to live in chaos, confusion or craziness or you may choose to live a life of abundance: love, joy, peace, happiness, health, wealth and perfect self-expression. These attributes are a choice. What's yours?

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Your Road to Healing: Simple Steps to Get You Off to a Great Start

By Pamela Chapman

It’s easy for coaches, ministers and experts to tell you it’s important to find your way and life-purpose. It’s easier said than done. Isn’t it? In my previous blog, I told you that no matter how difficult or challenging your journey, you lack nothing. Every good thing has already been prepared and given to you for your healing. Today, I’d like to share some road-trip steps that have assisted me. Remember, this is my experience. These tools helped me and continue to be a part of my path to abundant living. However, I am confident if you follow, are consistent and dedicated you will see and begin to live the change.

Become Aware - You must first become aware of the dysfunction, unhappiness, and chaos in your life. I like to call this the drama in your life. Here are a few questions I’d like you to contemplate.

1)                  Are there traumatic, stressful, debilitating, and catastrophic events always occurring in your life?

2)                  Are you always worrying about something and when there’s nothing to worry about, you worry because you don’t have something to worry about?

3)                  When life is calm, are you bored?

4)                  Are you often asking, “Why me?”

5)                  Are you always the martyr, always the victim?

You need not share your responses with anyone, but the next step to finding your road to healing, your road to abundant living, is honesty. If you can’t be honest with yourself then who can you be honest with? Bill Watterson puts it this way. “It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.”  Humorous? Yes. But, not when it begins to negatively affect your finances, impede your happiness and stifle your abundance. Why pretend you’re fearless when you’re fear-filled? Why say you’re free, when you’re oppressed? Why say and recite truths when, in reality, there is very little evidence that what you’re reciting is having influence. Is it just mindless utterances you are in the habit of quoting?

Once you’re honest about what you’re wrestling with, get an understanding. If you struggle with debilitating fears, attempt to get to the root. Did the fear come from mom, dad, or another authoritative figure? If you settle in your relationships, work, or affairs ask why? Usually this stems from low self-esteem. How do you really feel about yourself?

Don’t be afraid to go inward. The answers lie within. Yes, God is Almighty, All Creator. Yes, He is in complete control. But, it is also finished. It is my belief that all things have been prepared. It is either finished [completed, ended, done] or it’s not. This means your path, your life-purpose has already been created. It is up to you to find it. You must find your own yellow brick road. God is not behind a magic curtain or invisible hemisphere waiting to react to your every wish, whine or whim. You have the power, all the power you’re ever going to get. You have the authority and ability to co-create for your life. Thwarting responsibility—either waiting for God or blaming the devil—can leave you needy, wanting, and powerless. Go within. Find the God-given power within. Be relentless. God power is in each and every one of us. Empower yourself.

Take Action. While God helps those who help themselves is not an actual Scripture, in every example of Christ healing or helping others, an action was required. For example, the woman with the issue of blood had to press through the crowd and touch the hem of Christ’s garment. The blind man spoken of in John 9, after Christ made a mud/saliva salve and put it on the man’s eyes, he was told to wash in the Pool of Siloam. Even when there was no affliction but a party, action was required. Christ’s first miracle of turning the water into wine, Mary, His mother told the servants to do whatever He, the Christ, told them to do. He instructed them to “fill the jars with water,” and then “draw some out.”

You can’t stand idly by waiting and hoping for your healing. Yes, change is a process, and your road to healing is a process; but, isn’t “process” a course of action? Ask for divine guidance which requires quiet time with you, and then MOVE with unbridled faith and energy.

Raise Your Energy. EVERYTHING is energy. You want to raise the abundance in your life, raise your energy. How? Incorporate lively, positive music into your life. Dance like you’ve never danced before. Shout life-changing declarations at the top of your lungs with great enthusiasm. Pray, Mediate. Laugh. Sing. And, when life tries to slap you down, jump up and slap it back. Declare, I AM Invincible, I AM an Overcomer, I AM more than a Conqueror. Get excited. Be excited, and Remain excited.

If you take these first steps, remain consistent, dedicated and focused I promise you will embark on a life-changing journey of happiness, love, and abundant living. YOUR SATISIFCATION IS GUARANTEED.

Follow the Yellow Brick Road-- The Road to Healing

By Pamela Chapman

Who hasn’t seen or read “The Wizard of Oz” a fairy tale, an innocent child’s fable. But is it? The metaphors, analogies, and symbolisms that are used in this film are unsurpassed. It was produced in 1939, in a time when sound and color film was cutting edge. Its message was loud and clear then and is still relevant today. Unfortunately, I can’t take the time in this piece to point out all the life metaphors I see—that would create a whitepaper. However, I’ll share what resonates in me this morning for you.

Do you remember how the Wizard of Oz begins? Dorothy is attempting to get her family, Uncle Henry and Auntie Em, to listen to her. Mrs. Gulch, the mean, intimidating woman who lives down the road is threatening to take away her beloved dog, Toto. No one has time to listen to Dorothy. There is no comfort, her matter isn’t important. “Don’t bother us now honey. Dorothy, we’re busy. Help us today by staying away.” She takes her concern outside to the farm hands and they, pretty much, give her the same. “Go away, we’re busy, we don’t have time for you.” Zeek goes a step further. “Dorothy use your brain in this matter, will ya?” They finally tell her to go someplace where she can’t get into any trouble. Is any of this beginning to sound familiar? That evening, Mrs. Gulch arrives at Dorothy’s home to take what she so dearly loves. “Please don’t let her take him, Auntie Em. It’s my fault. You can send me to bed without dinner.”

Mean old Mrs. Elvira Gulch takes Toto but he finds his way back. Dorothy fears authorities will be back for him so she runs away. In her running away, she runs smack into Professor Marvel, who knows the past, present, and the future. He consults with his crystal ball which he calls infinite wisdom. Professor Marvel in his wisdom convinces Dorothy to head home. He tells her that her family is grieved by her leaving and Auntie Em has become ill. Almost immediately, a horrific storm materializes quickly turning into a Tornado. Dorothy doesn’t make it to the storm shelter, ultimate safety, but makes it to her bedroom where she is hit in the head by broken window glass and wood due to the force of the storm.

From here, we are taken behind the veil—into Dorothy’s dark world of mind-chatter, donkey-talk, her subconscious Niagara Falls of fear, doubt, guilt, insecurity, low self-esteem worthlessness, and insignificance. We are allowed to see into her heavenly war. We see how she kills the “bad witch:” her enemy, her demon in her life only to discover there’s a bigger, worse “witch” to confront. First thing, the good witch Glenda attempts to make Dorothy define herself as evil or good. Duality is introduced. “Are you a good witch or a bad witch?” “Neither,” she responds, but Glenda insists she must be and must recognize one or the other. After all, she’s killed the “bad witch.”

Dorothy shares with good-witch Glenda that she’s trying to find her way home; and, Glenda points her to the way—the yellow brick road. This magical road will take her to the Emerald City where she can then find out how to get there. (In angel work, when light workers call upon the angels to help with healing emotionally and/or physically, they envision their patients surrounded in emerald green light.)

Along her yellow-brick-road journey, she first meets Scarecrow who believes if he had a brain, he’d be smart enough to keep all the pesky pests from the field he’d been given to watch over. He’d be able to keep the field safe. “Dorothy, use your brain about this.” We are seeing Dorothy’s subconscious feeling of inadequacy and her guilt about not being smart enough to adequately protect what she so dearly loves, Toto. The two then meet the Tin Man on their journey who has been abandoned, hardened and rusted due to his inability to love. He believes if he had a heart, he could be gentle. Were not the words spoken to Dorothy, by her family, harsh and unloving planting in Dorothy the seeds of bitterness, low self-esteem, and unforgiveness? And, then there’s my favorite character Cowardly Lion. He’s all rough and tuff on the outside. In fact, he’s a bully; but as soon as he’s confronted, he breaks down and cries. He’s hurting big time on the inside. He believes if he only had courage he could be what he was purposed to be, King of the forest. All the characters, “characteristics” accompanying Dorothy, believe they are lacking, believe they are inadequate and unworthy. “If I… then I could.” The three: Tin Man, Cowardly Lion and Scarecrow represent the three Universal Fears: Fear of Abandonment, Fear of Unworthiness, and Fear that the world is unsafe. Together, they follow the yellow brick road—they seek the long road to healing. Off they go to find the Wizard of Oz for the answer.

Their journey is not an easy one. No, it’s quite challenging, in fact. They run into every dark thing: goblins, gargoyles, flying monkeys—lions, and tigers and bears oh my! When they finally set sight on the Emerald City, Dorothy falls into malaise. She becomes lethargic and falls into a sleep-like state. The closer they get to their answer, the closer she gets to her healing, the rougher it gets. It’s as if she’s made a demand on the universe and it appears as if all hell is breaking out. That is exactly what happens in life, but in actuality everything is going just right. Possibly, there’s even some self-sabotaging going on. When the four, and let’s not forget Toto who was the reason she’d gotten into all this hell in the first place, reach the Emerald Gate they are told by the gatekeeper to GO HOME! They are rejected. “No one can see the great one.” She pleadingly responds, “Then how can anyone know he’s there? I’ve got to see him.” Dorothy’s persistence and tenacity allows her access to the Wizard only to realize the path she was looking for, the answer to finding the road home—her healing—was within her all along. She had courageously faced her challenges or life teachers and won. To get back, all she had to do was believe.

The path back to our true selves, the journey to our healing is not always easy. No in fact, many times it is quite the opposite. We run into disappointments, disillusionments, rejections and tireless, seemingly unfair battles. When it seems like we’re about to have a breakthrough, something else breaks out. We almost always self-sabotage. Sometimes the path brings us to the point of wanting to give up and run away. Can the twisted, horrific storms, the hurricanes and the tornados of life be the very tools to bring us into wisdom, truth and purpose our ultimate healing?

No matter what you face, no matter how challenging the journey, remember Dorothy’s ultimate lesson. You lack nothing. Every good thing has already been prepared and given to you for your healing. No one can tell you what, no one can tell you how or even when; the answer is always within. You are in reality, there.

Don’t give up, don’t give in! If you follow your yellow brick road, asking for divine guidance, divine revelation, and divine intervention along your life path, you will WIN! You will find your way home, your healing. There’s no place like it!

In love, light & healing

Pamela

Pamela Chapman is the Founder of iAscend Programs.

Male Survivors Are Victims Too

By Lavinia Masters

He sat on the edge of the hospital bed clothed only in a thin hospital gown that opened from the back. His face was that of a frightened little boy that was in fact a tormented young man. The police stood over him as they wrote out his horrendous account if his traumatic acts of sexual violence against him. As his aunt sat quietly in the corner you could not only see the pain in her eyes but the vacant expression as she wondered how could her own family member manipulate, abuse and sodomize their own flesh and blood?

He was only 14 years old and the abuse had began at the tender age of 8 years old when the abuser uncle had moved in with his other aunt and uncle that he now resided with. He had to move in with his relatives because he had already suffered enough in a home of a mother that was a crack addict and a man that he only knew as a “dead beat dad”. He had already come from hell… only to coexist with the devil himself.

The night I entered that hospital room, I had to do a double take because although I knew that sexual abuse was not a known discriminator, I had never personally encountered a male victim myself. There before me was a young boy that just wanted to be normal yet did not want to cause any further harm or destruction to his family. Why did he try to take on such a major responsibility? Why did he feel that he was the one that needed to protect the family especially after what his family has taken him through? He was just a boy and as I looked at him on the edge of that bed, I was able to see that he was no longer a young boy that was sodomized by his uncle in a disgusting act of sexual abuse but that he was another child that had been a “victim” of sexual abuse.

Male survivors of sexual abuse are more prevalent than what I think we actually know and want to believe. It is the same as we know and realize that the counts of sexual violent crimes against children are not only high but alarming and over 50% of them are not reported. The effects of sexual abuse can be very confusing for children. For a child, it often involves being used or hurt by a trusted adult. The child might learn that the only way to get attention or love is to give something sexual or give up their self-respect. No child should have to live this way…female or male.

I watched this young man tell his story as I felt the horror that he tried to hide with a face of numbness. My heart connected with his…not only as a survivor of sexual violence but as a mother that was grieving for her child. He needed to know that everything that happened to him over the course of the last 6 years was not his fault and in spite of it all that everything was going to be alright. He needed someone to listen openly and judge silently. He wanted someone to say I am here for you physically and be there for him mentally and spiritually…he needed me.

When the police finally made their reports and prepared for the arrest of this monster that was known to him as his uncle… the SANE nurse finally came to take him away for his exam. He looked to me as if he needed some form of approval from me and as I nodded my head, I told him that he will be alright and to trust that the nurse would not harm him. With that she rolled him away and I along with his aunt awaited his return to the room. As I watched him being wheeled away I could not help but think about my own son having to face a gruesome destiny such as this.

He entered this world as an innocent child but is living the life of an adult that has endured many afflictions. He did not ask for the abuse nor did he ask for the hurt or shame but unfortunately this was hand the hand that he was dealt and his job now is just trying to survive. He was a young man born of a woman and he is now a young victim scarred by the affects of sexual violence. The abuse saw no gender, the abuse saw no age, the abuse only saw an opportunity and the abuse violated a child and left him living the life of a victim.

He returned to the room and in his eyes I saw the same look of re-victimization that I had when through at the age of 13 years old after my SANE exam following my assault. I shared this painful story with him and I told him that I knew what he was going through. Perplexed was the next look I received as he tried to comprehend the peace that now took over my demeanor after enduring sexual violence as a child. I explained to him all my past feelings and disgusts but that now I am just as normal and at peace after my own “healing” after sexual trauma and assured him that he could be too.

We talked awhile longer and as he shed a few tears he was able to replace them with laughter because he now realized that as we shared openly that he had begun to unlock the chains that had locked him in his silence for far too long! In that moment he saw that he was able to rise above the hurt, humiliation and trauma that sexual abuse caused. He had actually begun to feel free, he had actually began to believe that he could become whole again and that if he could just hold on a little while longer that everything would be restored.

As I prepared to depart that night, I gave him a teddy bear and packet of resources and referrals to get him started on his road to recovery. I then gave him a hug and as he squeezed me tightly with a heart full of gratitude, he said I love you… and at that moment I believed that male survivors can be victims too. This is a myth that has been instilled through masculine gender socialization and sometimes referred to as the "macho image," declaring that males, even young boys, are not supposed to be victims or even vulnerable. When in all honesty, boys are children…and just like girls they are weaker and more vulnerable than their perpetrators.

So you can imagine how I applaud and thank Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry as they bring over 200 men together to speak up and out about their abuse. I am also excited that I am not a lone ranger in offering support and prayer to male survivors as they battle with the many demons of sexual trauma because unfortunately males may be more damaged by society's refusal or reluctance to accept their victimization, and by their resultant belief that they must "tough it out" in silence. No one should have to suffer or “tough it out” in silence…especially a child…whether it’s a boy or a girl.

When rain falls it does not know whether it is falling on all the little boys or little girls in the world such as the sun shining…gender has never been a reason for it to discriminate. Moreover the moon gives light to all that is under its covering as well as the stars share their illumination upon every species in this world. So is the devastating and non discriminatory ways of sexual abuse…when it affects one it affects us all. Remembering as an advocate we are to advocate for justice, healing, empowerment, awareness and peace for all victims…including males.

Put the Weight On!

By Heidi Hiatt

On August 29th, 2010, millions of viewers witnessed the HBO film Temple Grandin win seven Emmy awards. Until then, many people didn’t know who Dr. Temple Grandin is.

Grandin has autism, and is probably the best known advocate for those with this developmental disability. She is also a renowned animal scientist, known for her ability to see the world from an animal’s point of view. I’ve followed her work for years and appreciate that she prompts people to think about life from an animal’s perspective.

As someone who could not stand to be touched, even hugged, as a child, she was intrigued when one day she saw a steer in a squeeze chute, a device used to restrict its motion so the veterinarian could work on it. She noticed how the steer relaxed when the pressure was applied.

Grandin decided to try the device for herself, and went on to build one of her own. Now squeeze machines are used all over as therapy for autistic children as well as trauma survivors and others. This deep pressure stimulation has taken other forms as well, including weighted vests and weighted blankets.

No one has to be convinced of the benefits of deep pressure; most of us enjoy a good massage. Such pressure is profoundly relaxing, and we pay big bucks to enjoy those sensations at spas and from massage therapists. We seek out massages from our spouses and partners, reveling in the touch after a long day at work. Pets know; they LOVE massages.

Survivors of rape, incest, sexual abuse, and domestic violence sometimes can’t handle being touched by others, especially those of the opposite sex. This can also be true of people who have been cheated on, used, betrayed, or abandoned. Their trust in others has been shattered, and even though they crave love, touch, and companionship, it can be traumatic to actually let someone else touch them.

These crimes and boundary violations are frequently accompanied by lasting challenges like PTSD, which can leave your nerves on edge for years. Achieving a good night’s sleep or a period of complete relaxation can be impossible when your body, mind, and soul is silently screaming in the aftermath of a traumatic event. Even if the anguish you have suffered did not include physical abuse, the hell your heart and mind have gone through can manifest physically.

Occupational therapist Karen Moore is an expert on a condition called sensory defensiveness that can happen to abuse and trauma survivors. She has an informative article about this posted athttp://www.sensoryconnectionprogram.com/sensory_defensiveness.pdf. The following excerpt from Moore’s article gives a description of what sensory defensiveness is:

Wilbarger & Wilbarger (1995) define sensory defensiveness as adverse or defensive reactions to non-noxious stimuli. They theorize that genetic disposition as well as physical trauma to the body (e.g. stressful birth, accidental injury, physical abuse) can set off this condition of sensory distortion. Lack of inhibition of sensory input, they believe underlies defensive reactions. Symptoms vary widely and include withdrawal from touch, discomfort from certain clothes, over reaction to sounds, dislike of foods with mixed textures, exaggerated personal space, increased startle reflex, and dislike of complex visual stimuli such as fast moving objects or colors.

People with a history of physical or sexual abuse, torture, institutionalization, sensory deprivation, or a traumatic injury, have about an 80% chance of developing sensory defensiveness. Therefore, statistics alone tell us that we encounter clients with this problem regularly in psychiatric care and especially in clients with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Symptoms of sensory defensiveness are also very common in patients with Developmental Disorders (Hanschu, 1995; Wilbarger & Wilbarger, 1995).

Deep pressure stimulation is one way of treating sensory defensiveness. If you can identify with this condition, take out a piece of paper and pen and make a list of what you do to make yourself comfortable nowadays. Trust me, the list will flow.

You may do the “human burrito” thing, where you roll yourself up in blankets. You may find that you are more relaxed when kids, cats, or dogs are sitting on you. When you get home from work, you can’t wait to change into particular cotton clothes or soft socks. You might find it very relaxing to hold a pillow or put a hot water bottle on your legs.

You may also find certain things outside of the home very relaxing, like having your blood pressure taken or wearing a lead vest at the dentist’s office when you have x-rays. You may like setting your purse on your lap when you drive. Even the mild restraint a seatbelt offers can bring relief, odd as it sounds. If you can handle being touched by someone else, a strong hug may do wonders for you.

When I first heard of sensory defensiveness, which to me is a very logical response when bad and unjust things happen to you, I contacted a friend with fibromyalgia who helped me make a list of the ways people manage through deep pressure. We were amazed at how quickly the list was written and realized why weighted blankets are becoming so popular.

Weighted blankets are a wonderful stress-reduction option for people with sensory defensiveness, food allergies, insomnia, PTSD, restless legs, dementia, autism, and other conditions because you can use them at home. They generally look like a comforter, and aren’t any warmer than one, but are filled with materials like soft plastic beads to add weight. The weight provides a deep pressure “touch” that allows the user to relax.

A quick Google search will reveal a number of companies that make weighted blankets, and they are often custom-made for the home user in varying sizes, weights, and fabrics. Some adults use 20 pound king-sized blankets, while children may use much lighter twin-sized ones. Some companies make small, square “lap cozies” or throw blankets that are nice for just having on you while you’re sitting.

You might want to consult with your doctor before using a weighted blanket, or having your child use one. I do not know if they’re safe to use with babies or toddlers; until someone convinces me otherwise, I would strongly advise against it. These also aren’t supposed to be used as discipline tools, but as comforts.

If you buy a weighted blanket, be sure to buy a blanket with proper filler material that can be cleaned in a washing machine. Rocks, metals, sand, organic material, and glass should not be used as filler for obvious safety and sanitation reasons. The fabric of the blanket should be one that you find soothing; oftentimes people with sensory defensiveness can’t stand certain fabrics rubbing against their skin.

Unfortunately, these blankets aren’t cheap, so if you find a ridiculously good deal on one as you’re comparison shopping, be suspicious. Be sure of what you’re buying before you hit the “checkout” button. A reputable company should be able to provide all relevant product information up front, or quickly upon request.

I realize that many people who have suffered trauma and abuse have limited financial means, another unfair consequence of what they’ve survived. On that note, it would be nice to see charities and activists donating such blankets and lap cozies to shelters and survivors. I, for one, am convinced of the therapeutic benefits of weighted blankets, and users don’t have to go to a therapist or doctor to experience their benefits.

While Temple Grandin is just one of the researchers who has identified and promoted deep pressure stimulation, she has played a huge role in its proliferation. I’m thankful that she and others like her have made this product mainstream. I hope that more doctors, advocates, activists, psychologists, counselors, and psychiatrists become familiar with weighted blankets and utilize them more regularly.

When you’ve endured the trauma and pain of personal boundary violations, all violations from emotional abuse to extreme physical and sexual violence can carry a residual physical component. Trauma in any form can change your physical well-being in drastic ways.

To aid in your healing process, and to be able to unwind, consider one of these flat, bean bag-like blankets. It’s a simple but effective idea that could have millions of people breathing easier, or even sleeping through the night, for the first time in a long time.

Life breaks us all … but many are made strong at the broken places.
-Ernest Hemingway