How to Prepare and Plan to Leave the Abusive Relationship

 By Susan Murphy Milano

With so many high-profile cases of missing women in thenews, unsolved, suspicious deaths and cold cases wherevictims seeking a divorce have vanished without a trace or found murdered, I am urging everyone to speak out by spreading the word that a prescription for safety is now available. The video below is one key ingredient to a victim's safety.

I often hear women involved in domestic violence say, “I cannot leave or I'm unable to even pack a bag and sneak it to the car.” Another common problem is when a woman says, “He is constantly watching me, stalking me or he has a tracker on my computer, cell phone or vehicle.”

For most victims the fear of getting beat up or even killed by their significant other if they are caught trying to leave can be paralyzing. Most victims of domestic violence and or stalking do not realize that the person in the relationship is committing a crime. Domestic violence and stalking is against the law.

But for those fearful or unable to seek service from a domestic violence shelter provider, there is a book available that will take a victim from living in fear to a plan, with a roadmap to safety.

The abuser has a plan to control, manipulate and harm. A victim must have a plan that involves being ten steps ahead of their husband or boyfriend when they cannot call police or seek services outside the home because it could be too dangerous for the victim and her children.

Remember, the most important step a victim must do is prepare before they announce the relationship is ending. If something does happen, if you or a loved one suddenly goes missing like Stacy Peterson, Vensus Stewart, Rachel Anderson, Susan Powell, Lisa Stebic, or are found murdered like Monica Beresford-Redmond, Franki Jacobson, Renee Pagel and others, where the person responsible has gotten away with murder, the victim's voice and record of the abuse will be captured and recorded (see below). Do it for your community, friends, family and loved ones.

Do it for the children.

If you are a victim do it for you!

Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is an expert on intimate partner violence and homicide crimes. For more information visit http://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/  She is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and wherever books are sold.  Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on Here Women Talk http://www.herewomentalk.com/ and is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr. Laurie Roth  http://www.therothshow.com/ ]

Holiday Strategy

By Tanya Warrington

Holidays can be fun, but they also generate stress with the extra activities, the entertaining, and the extra expenses. For victims of domestic violence of any kind (verbal, emotional, physical or sexual) the holidays can be extra tough.

What does one do with bad holiday memories in the season that suggests that everyone should be happy and share in joyful family events? How do you handle it? What can you do when you feel more like crying than celebrating?

These are real and painful questions. There is pressure to have a Rockwell image Christmas with lots of warm family togetherness—but it isn’t always the way things really are. Sometimes old memories blot out the present.

I believe we can improve our holidays even while we are engaged in the process of healing from abuse. We can take actions, such as any of the following suggestions:

1. Take a Break
If you can, give yourself the gift of a break from counseling until after the holidays. If you are in crisis, then keep on going and reward yourself for attending. Go to a park or take a hike or visit an art museum. Do whichever calms you.

2. Get your Heart Pumping
Include a time most days to exercise. It will release endorphins that will lift your mood. Plus, as an added bonus, it will help your body burn those calories from holiday sweets.

3. Write Freely
Use your journal when old memories come up. Honor your feelings by recording them. Let your writing be uncensored. Journaling can help your process your thoughts and release your emotions all at the same time.

4. Find Fellowship
Share with a trusted person what you are going through. Let another see your pain. It really will help. Absorb the kindness, understanding, and caring that you receive. Let it sink in. Allow yourself to be comforted in your pain, knowing that talking and being heard will bring you further along in your healing.

5. Create Fun
Make time for your hobby or watch comedy movies. Doing something you enjoy will refresh and strengthen you. Do not consider this a waste of time—it isn’t. Don’t save it for last all the time—sometimes play first makes work happen at a more efficient pace.

May your holidays include restorative moments. May God help you to feel His presence during the season of celebrating the good news that Jesus Christ lived, died, and rose up to live again so that we might be reconciled to God. Hallelujah!

Do healthy things, dear Reader, it will reap so many benefits that will reap so many benefits that will encourage your heart. Let’s give Jesus our hearts and our healing process this holiday season.

The Tragic Loss Of Sarah Haley Foxwell

By Cynthia Caron

At only 11 years old,  young Sarah Haley Foxwell, was eagerly looking forward to Christmas.  Hugs and whispers with her friends as she spoke of the neat things she would love to receive for Christmas and eagerly awaiting Christmas morn to rip the wrapping from her presents.  Unfortunately, Christmas morning did not happen for Sarah.  Instead, her body was recovered from a field in the Rum Ridge area of northern Wicomico about three-quarters of a mile south of the Maryland- Delaware state line.  The news of Sarah's death was a shock to the more than 3,000 volunteers  who put aside their own Christmas plans and gathered that morning at Arthur W. Perdue Stadium in order to help search for Sarah.  Her young body was discovered by police officials who will carry the horrid memory of happening upon the lifeless body of a once happy giggling child.  A candlelight vigil was held the evening before.

Thomas J. Leggs, 30, lived in a building on the grounds of his parents' Salisbury, Maryland home, not far from the residence in which Sarah resided with her Aunt along with her younger sister.  Her aunt is the legal guardian for both Sarah and her sister while her biological parents live out of state.  Sometime on Tuesday evening, December 22, Leggs came into the home by utilizing a key that was hidden on the premises.  It is stated he removed Sarah from her bedroom.  This was reported the morning of December 23 when it was discovered that Sarah was missing.  The evening of December 23, Leggs was arrested and charged with burglary and kidnapping in Sarah's disappearance.  During his police detainment he was very uncooperative and refused to divulge what he did with Sarah.  Leggs is listed on sex offender registries in both Maryland and Delaware, however, that did not prevent him from the charges of abduction and murder of sweet Sarah Haley Foxwell.  Authorities will not disclose how Sarah died.

Another young life lost to a monster that we call a child sex predator.

How can parents protect their children?

·         First, understand that nobody is immune from the potential tragedy of a child abducted from their family.  It can happen to anyone, anywhere and at any time.

·         I cannot stress the importance that parents need to be proactive in knowing who lives near and where their children play.   When planning a purchase to buy or build a new home, the first place a parent needs to research is the registered sex offender registry site provided by the government.  It is free. The following link will show you detailed information on sex offenders who reside in your neighborhood.  Be sure to check this site monthly. See http://www.familywatchdog.us/

·         Consider installing alarms in homes with small children.  For those that may find alarms costly, check your department stores and discount stores as they carry window alarms that are very inexpensive, some as low as $2.00.  Always be sure that all entry doors into your home are locked, especially at bedtime.  Hang decorative door hangings in the entry way into the children's sleeping quarters. These can be bells, bamboo sticks and other noise-making items that can alert you to someone entering or exiting the child's room.  (Just be sure to use these for older children. Young children and toddlers can be accidentally choked should they become entangled.)  Consider a laser beam alarm across the doorway.  These are also inexpensive, however, it would not do well in homes with pets that may roam from room to room.  Baby monitors are extremely useful and should be used until the child is of age in which they may need their privacy.

·         Another useful item is a bed alarm.  These are used by parents who may have children who tend to wander, sleep walk or children prone to having seizures.  They fit under the sheet and an alarm sounds when pressure is removed, such as a child is no longer resting on the mattress.  These can range from $90 - $300 and can be purchased from most medical supply stores. 

·         Never give out information to others regarding passcodes to garage entries or hidden keys" to your home, except to family members and very trusted and perhaps to a very well known neighbor.

·         Always, at all times, know who your children are associating with and NEVER allow a minor child to play and sleep over at your home without the permission of their parents.  It is not up to a minor child to tell you, the adult, that they have their parents permission to spend the night.  You can be charged with interference should the family of the child wish to press charges in the case of a child spending the night in your home without their parents permission.

·         Make a firm family rule that computer time is always in the presence of the family.  Children and teens should not have computers in their bedrooms that give them access to the internet.  If you have an older teen and allow a computer in the bedroom, be sure your teen is aware that you have the right to check all their social networking sites to be sure that they are utilizing those sites properly and not at risk of divulging personal information.  Teens and children need to know the importance as to why they should not divulge personal information. Make sure you have that conversation with your children.

·         Always keep your children within your site, know who they are playing with and where they are at all times. Never allow solo walks, bike rides or letting children play outside alone.  Predators look for "easy prey" and a child playing alone is an easy target. 

While we know that we cannot be with our children 100% of each moment, we can utilize common sense and help to look out for one another.  Should you see a child alone, find out where the child lives and perhaps have a talk with the parents of the child.  We need to not look away and start being proactive.  It's the children we want to protect even if it means having a neighbor growl at you for "being nosey."    For more safety tips and ways to protect your children, please see http://www.lostnmissing.com/15.html  You'll find informative video's and eye-opening re-enactments of potential child abductions and the outcomes.

Adults need to work together towards the safety of our children.  Let there be no more Sarah Haley Foxwell's who have to die by the hands of another monster.  Support your local legislation in having stricter laws for child sex predators and do not stand for "slaps on the wrist" from your local judicial systems.  Speak out!  Our children and their lives depend on us, the adults, to keep them safe.

Incarnation NOT Rehabilitation

By Sheryl McCollum

He came in through the window – no forced entry - he kidnapped her – assaulted her - then he killed her.  The victim was in the sixth grade.  She was in her own bedroom.  This known sex offender should have been in prison – not out dating the victim’s aunt.  By the way ladies, these offenders are not dating you, they are targeting your children.   

Sarah Foxwell’s body was found Christmas day.  The suspect was not cooperative with police.  Imagine that!  A known sex offender not helping the police! 

                    

Thomas James Leggs Jr is the suspected killer.  He is a registered sex offender in two states (Maryland and Delaware)!  The police have reported that they are interviewing possible additional victims.  Standard police procedure is to look for additional victims because there are likely more victims.

Let’s review:

Registered sex offenders repeat offenses.   
Regisrated sex offenders kill innocent victims while on these registries. 

If you have a loved one that is a sex offender and you are standing by them while they are getting rehabilitated – I am fixing to offend you – stop reading now!

Sex offenders can’t be rehabilitated!

If someone is attracted sexually to 5 year old girls no amount of counseling is going to stop that attraction.  If someone has the ability to sexually assault and then kill – we can’t help them with therapy!  They are sick and twisted and must be kept away from innocent people.  Let’s stop letting these dangerous criminals out of prison and lock them up where they belong. 

Parents and guardians are better educated about sex offenders and no longer leave children alone in the toy section but the offenders have become more brazen.  They are coming into the home in the dead of night taking children from their room.  This is not a new phenomenon. 

Remember Polly Klass, she was kidnapped while having a slumber party with friends.  She was inside her own room with friends playing games.  Richard Allen Davis had a history of violence against females – a long history.  He was on parole when he murdered Polly.

Then there is Elizabeth Smart from Utah that was also kidnapped from her bedroom.  Elizabeth was not killed but was held captive for 9 months by her kidnapper.  Brian David Mitchell at the age of 16 was caught exposing himself to a child.  Stop right there – sex offender!  He of course was sent to live with a grandmother – the cure all for bad behavior. 

The list goes on and on.  Sex offender registries are a great tool for law enforcement and to the general public but they only inform us they do not protect us.  We should know who these criminals are but they should not be among us free to repeat their crimes and harm our children.  The only way to protect us is to keep them away from us!

Silent Night; All Is Calm, All Is Bright

 By Pamela Chapman

Stop. Take a deep breath and a break from all the hustle and bustle of this wonderful holiday season and count with me. Let’s start with one and count slowly to ten, taking a deep breath between each number. There, that’s better.

Silent night, holy night

All is calm, all is bright

Round yon virgin mother and child

Holy infant, so tender and mild

Sleep in heavenly peace

Sleep in heavenly peace

There is no song that touches my heart more during the Christmas season than “Silent Night.” It conjures up such images of peace—not just peace due to circumstances, but a peace of mind that passes all understanding, a peace that is there in spite of challenges and conditions.

In the story of Christmas, every inn was full.  There was no room for the mother of Christ to deliver her baby. Yet, she carried deliverance. She found herself in a manger—a stinky, dirty, filthy manger. But in spite of her circumstances, it was here where she delivered New Beginnings and New Origins. It was here where she birthed hope. It was in the most depraved and degrading conditions that the Savior came forth: He who is deliverer and preserver of life and breath of all things.

We as women so often endure appalling circumstances; but quite often, out of those stinky, dirty, and painfully degrading conditions, there is a birthing or a rebirthing.  A gift, a talent, and even a purpose come forth in us. Many times there is deliverance not only for us but for humankind. Out of violent acts, laws are created and bills passed. From unfairness and disparity, political movements are started and justice is made to prevail. Silent Night, Holy Night—it’s a time of new beginnings, new hope, and new faith. Yes, it’s a time of deliverance.

I’d like to share some words with you that I shared last year at this time in iAscend’s Esteem-zine. May I share with you first as a friend and then as a self-esteem and life-transition coach? There is no answer outside of you, and no one can lead you and set your path for you or tell you where to go. Every answer to every question lies within. No matter what you’re facing, no matter how challenging the circumstances, there is hope. There is no secret to the greatness that lies within; there is only the question of how to tap into that which has been hidden. Now is the Time for the Awakening in you.

Are you still taking those deep, slow breaths? I speak peace, blessings, and love into the lives of those who read this message this holiday season. May the God and Creator whom I believe in and trust touch your life in ways you have never been touched. May the gift(s) in you be stirred. May any wall of judgment, condemnation, doubt, and fear come down in your life today. May all that your hands touch increase. May your self-esteem and self-worth enlarge a hundredfold, no matter where you’re starting. May your greatness be empowered now, and may the year and season of now be one that is filled with love, liberty, and life more abundant. May you embrace the wind of 2010 and make it yours! May all fear, doubt, hurt, and pain cease in you and your family’s life today. May you not give up or give in, and may the goodness, grace, and mercy of 2010 cause you to win.

             

Wishing you a Merry Christmas, a happy holiday, and a Silent Night.

In love, light, and healing,

Pamela

Pamela Chapman is an author, teacher, and certified self-esteem and life-transition expert. She is the founder of iAscend Programs, LLC. Pamela teaches women how to get through the challenging and stressful times in their lives while building and nurturing their self-esteem. She works with women who are ready to break free of their perceived limitations, maximize their potential, and realize their true purpose. Click here for more information about Pamela and iAscend.

The Predictability of Pathology

By Sandra L. Brown

Over and over again women say "You are describing my relationship EXACTLY"
or "He has said those exact words to me!" Or "how do you know what my relationship
is like--how can you know this?" Contrary to some beliefs, I'm NOT psychic!

I accurately describe people's relationships because to a certain extent, parts of
pathology and their behavior is predictable. In the last blog, I listed a check list of their
frequent behaviors. Pathology is related to certain personality disorders and each one of these personality disorders has it's own set of behaviors and dysfunctions. To know the personality disorder is to know the behavior--either now or in the future. This is why Public Psychopathy Education is information for everyone because anyone can learn to predict, to a certain extent, the kinds of behaviors that are likely from the pathological in their life.

Each personality disorder has it's own set of behaviors and additionally, pathology
is related to:

a. The inability to sustain postive change
b. The inability to grow to any authentic emotional or spiritual depth
c. The inability to develop deep insight about their negative behavior and how it affects others

So once you understand the behaviors related to the personality disorder then you
apply the 'Absolutes of Pathology' -- the inability to change, grow, or develop insight
and you can pretty much take his behavior now and apply it to the future in ANY
relationship. His behaviors related to his specific personality disorder are permanent.
If someone can not grow or change then his behaviors aren't going to change. If his
behaviors aren't going to change he will be the same today as he was 10 years ago in
a relationship and will be the same 20 years from now. If he doesn't have the ability
to develop insight about his behavior then I can pretty much tell you what it's like
to communicate with someone who can't 'see' his own faults.

Our goal in Public Psychopathy Education is for others to understand that you TOO
can learn to loosely predict pathological behavior based on past or current behavior. Once
you understand the symptoms of the personality disorder you can expect these behaviors
to continue.  The more you understand the Absolutes of Pathology the more clearly you
can understand what his future is likely to hold for himself and others in his life. It isn't
hard to predict something that doesn't change!

The exception to that rule is when violence is or has been involved. Pathologicals
with violence issues can be erratic and unstable. Predicting their ability to be currently
'non-violent based' on past non-violent episodes is too risky and he may not follow the
patterns he normally follows. For people with impulse control problems that are linked
to pathology/personality disorders then you have to assume there is always the risk of
violence.

Additionally, pathologicals who are addicts are hard to predict because of the instability of the person in an addiction. Addictions are realted to higher levels of violence. With violence, sexual offenses or addiction the rule of thumb is that the predicitbility factor is likely to be too risky to judge. When in doubt--doubt his predictability in violence, addiction or sexual offenses.

Otherwise, pathology is fairly easy to call. When someone doesn't change, the best
predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you're wondering what your pathological
was like in the relationship before you or will be like in the one after you, just gauge
everything from where he is today. It's that simple and that sad.

www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

When Friends and Family Are Not Enough

By Gaetane Borders

In a time when so much has been written and discussed about the number of violent crimes and the survivors of such heinous acts, less has been said about how to treat the associated emotional and mental anguish that undoubtedly occurs.  For many, talking to friends and family members is a definite source of comfort in trying times.  Others may seek out the guidance of clergy and pastors, while some people choose to channel their energies into helping others in similar circumstances.  Depending on your personality and needs, any and all of the aforementioned can be beneficial to healing. 

However, there is another method that can also help those who are grieving or in any form of mental distress…clinical therapy.  Therapy is a commitment to improving your emotional health, and considering it as a means of helping you through the darkest times in your life is a courageous decision.  Nonetheless, there are a lot of people that would gain from seeing a therapist who have difficulty perceiving the benefit.  For some, thinking about discussing personal thoughts with a stranger is anxiety provoking. 

Some of the other concerns that people may have are:

·       I am going to find out something I won’t like about myself.

Attending therapy can be difficult, especially when you are in the process of uncovering memories and experiences that were not previously discussed.  However, your therapist will be cognizant of this delicate situation, and is there to help you make sense of your feelings and emotions.

·       I tried therapy once and it didn’t work.

Just because you may have tried therapy once before, do not be discouraged into thinking that you won’t gain something by visiting another therapist.  Finding the right professional with whom you form a rapport is key.  Also, there are a multitude of different kinds of therapy…not all involve sitting on a couch while you pour out your deep dark secrets.  For instance, there is art therapy, dance therapy, music therapy, and group therapy to name only a few.  Don’t be afraid to try all kinds to see which works best for you.

·       What will people think if they find out that I see a therapist? 

Most people do, indeed, care what others think of them.  However, it is your decision whether you want to share this with anyone.  Also, keep in mind, a true supportive friend or family member would never make you feel less than for seeking therapy. 

·       Only crazy people go to therapy.

What is associated with this attitude is the myth that if you go for counseling that obviously means you are inadequate, weak, or crazy!  We all develop unhealthy and destructive ways of coping. No one is immune from these experiences, and depending on a number of circumstances and resources available to you at the time, seeking assistance is just plain smart.

Sadly, many people who would benefit from receiving therapy do not get the help that they need in order to cope with the tragic events in their life.  Sometimes friends and family cannot offer the level of support that is needed for true emotional healing.  That is why I urge everyone to be open to the idea.  Whether you are a victim of a violent crime, experienced a loss, or may be feeling overwhelmed by life’s circumstances…therapy can be the lifeline that you’ve been looking for.  I would recommend finding a therapist who specializing in the area of grief and trauma that you may be experiencing.  For example, if you are a survivor of incest, find a therapist who specializes with this issue.  Having someone who understands and knows what you have experienced is a sure fire way to encourage the professional rapport necessary for your journey towards recovery!

In Harm's Way

By Randy McCall

As devastating as the effects of crime are on the victims of crime and their families and friends, we should also remember the toll taken on those who work with these people: law enforcement officers, medical personnel, and victim advocates.

All of these people voluntarily offer their help and services -- sometimes at risk of their lives -- to help victims of crime. To state the obvious: police officers help by solving the crime or capturing the offender; medical personal provide physical treatment; and victim advocates work with the victim at the scene, during the investigation and trial, and afterwords, helping the victim on the road to reestablishing a sense of normality.

These people often see the worst the world has to offer. Police deal with the criminals and the worst of human behavior, and are often the first to view scenes of nightmarish violence. Medical personnel treat the cut, bruised and broken bodies, trying to mend the physical damage. Victim advocates can serve in several roles: as crisis scene advocates, who arrive at the crime scene shortly after police (often seeing scenes of violence and bloodshed) and who provide immediate support and assistance to a victim who is often in a state of shock and severe emotional upset, and they continue to act as a liaison between the victim and law enforcement, until such time as the case actually goes to trial.

Once this point is reached, another advocate -- one working for the court's victim / witness program -- starts to provide support and information during the long period of the trial, and tries to help the victim deal with a sometimes uncaring justice system and the many possible long term effects of crime victimization.

After the trial, should the victim be in need, there are many support groups and victim aid organizations that continue to supply emotional support and aid for as long as needed.

These unselfish people see -- and help others deal with -- pain, sorrow, grief, rage, and the results of violence and malice, on almost a daily basis. They easily become emotionally involved with the people they are helping. The repeated exposure to these scenes can, over time, cause the person to experience what is known variously as: secondary or vicarious trauma, critical incident stress, compassion fatigue, or simply burnout.

This secondary trauma can cause the service worker to become another victim, as all that they have seen and had to deal with becomes a weight too heavy to bear. It can being to affect their behavior, their way of thinking, how they perform on the job, and how they relate to their loved ones.

Some of the signs of secondary or caregiver trauma can include (but are certainly not limited to):

• Fatigue, loss of energy, listlessness , loss of efficiency
• Sadness, depression, withdrawal from others or from activities, loss of faith in others or in previously strongly-held beliefs
  
• Apathy, indifference, emotional numbness, a sense of demoralization
• Inability to work well with victims or really hear what they are saying; "tuning them out"
  
• Confusion, difficulty making decisions, difficulty concentrating
• Quickness to make the worst possible conclusion
  
• Loss of emotional control; quick to anger, grieve, sadness
  
• A sense they have lost the capacity of happiness, creativity, control over their lives
  
• A sense of isolation
• Nightmares, sleep disturbances, nervousness, easy to startle, difficulty relaxing
• Abrupt changes in habit and the use (or misuse of) drugs, alcohol, or other negative behaviors

Of course, all these professions recognize their personnel can become victims in their own right to secondary trauma, and have well-established programs and support groups within their various agencies to help prevent, detect and aid those officers, advocates or support personnel who fall victim to this most serious of occupational hazards.

At this time of year, when we celebrate so much, take a few moments to think of the people out there, right now, in the cold, at all hours of the day and night, in the way of harm both physical and mental, hoping only to help others.

The Thanksgiving Tradition

By Charles Moncrief

 

What are you thankful for? Frankly, I’m uncomfortable with the tradition in which everyone around the dinner table says “I’m thankful for _____.” Even though I’ve started the process, it’s not one of the things I face with joyful anticipation. So this is not to get the ball rolling when I give you my partial list.

 

I’m thankful for the vision of those who set up this site to benefit victims of crime and violence.

 

I’m thankful for the wonderful articles and essays I’ve read here, with the prospect of greater things ahead as this site continues to get traction in the community.

 

And I’m thankful to be numbered among the list of contributing writers.

 

Out of respect for the adversities you may have faced, I’ll tread softly in my invitation to consider the things for which you’re thankful. All the same, I’ll extend the invitation. I’ll also acknowledge that, while we’ve all had to deal with some harsh realities in our lives, we don’t have to be defined by them. I’ve found this in my own experience, and I’ve seen it affirmed in the writings on this site.

 

It reminds me of the story in Mark 7:32-36. After Jesus healed a man’s hearing and speech impairment, he told everyone not to publish this. The reason may have been in part that the man had been known as “the deaf and dumb guy,” and Jesus didn’t want him to be known as “the former deaf and dumb guy.” He wanted the man to be known by his given name, rather than by his affliction, and he wanted to give him the opportunity to return to his community simply as a man.

 

How often do we think of ourselves in terms of what we’ve been through, or what we’ve done? One aspect of our Kairos prison ministry is that we teach the inmates that they aren’t defined by their crimes. The “thief” learns that he’s a human being who has committed theft. The “murderer” comes to know himself as a human being who has committed murder. It’s a subtle distinction, and it’s hardly a comfort to his victims, but it helps the person come to terms with who he is and what he’s done. He still faces the consequences of his actions. But for those who aren’t serving life sentences, the recidivism rate for this ministry is under ten per cent.

 

If this principle is effective for those who committed crimes, maybe it can be applied to crime victims as well. The “abused wife” is the woman who experienced abuse. The “robbery victim” is the human being who was robbed. I know this sounds unrealistic, and it comes off as an attempt to put on rose-colored glasses. But it’s real, and I challenge you to try it.

 

Getting back to the story in Mark, Jesus spoke one of the few Aramaic words recorded in the Bible. The word is “ephphathah,” translated approximately as “be opened.” I’ll ask you to be open to a new self-image as we go forward through Thanksgiving and the remaining winter holidays. And realistic or not, I’ll be optimistic about the results.

 

Grace and Peace,

Charles+

Tyler Perry's Story

By Gaetane Borders

Recently, Tyler Perry shared with the world that he had been both physically and sexually abused as a child. He wrote at length about how watching the movie Precious brought about a surge of emotions that he had never experienced before, and forced him to deal with the pain of his past. The title character in the movie is a 16-year-old girl who suffers cruel and unusual abuse by her mother. This storyline apparently mimicked Tyler’s personal experiences, and allowed him to face his own fears.

According to Tyler, the movie brought on vivid memories such as the time his mother attempted to leave his abusive father when he was three. She packed the car with Tyler and his two sisters and headed to California. However, his father reported the car stolen, and Tyler’s mother was ultimately arrested. After spending several days in a jail cell, his father and uncle arrived, and they all piled into the car to head back to Louisiana. As his uncle drove, his father sat in the back seat beating his mother “black and blue…as [Tyler] and [his] sisters watched in horror.”

Tyler’s father was not only abusive towards his mother, but reportedly also physically abused Tyler. He recalled that on one occasion his inebriated father beat him with a vacuum cleaner extension until the skin came off of his back. In addition to the drunken beatings by his father, Tyler indicated that he was sexually abused by both a woman and a man on separate occasions, and witnessed his father attempting to molest a young female friend.

The truly sad thing is that Tyler’s story is not unique. In fact, it’s far too common. An estimated 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse exist in America today. However since most abused and neglected children never come to the attention of government authorities, the official government statistics do not indicate actual rates of child abuse. One of the reasons that sexual abuse goes unreported to the authorities is because children often do not tell even when asked. That is why it is important to know the possible warning signs.

Possible Warning Signs That Your Child Has Been Sexually Abused:

• Abnormal sexual knowledge
• Radical mood swings
• Sense of danger where he/she lives
• Change in eating habits (bulimia, anorexia, or compulsive eating)
• Nightmares, insomnia, sleepwalking and other sleep disturbances
• Radical change in school performance for better or worse
• Fearful about certain people
• Depression, crying episodes, etc.
• Substance abuse/addiction
• Fear of adult or adolescent
• Regressive, babyish behavior
• Intense efforts to gain attention/affection from adults
• Suicidal thinking, gestures, and attempts
• Self-mutalative behavior (ie. Cutting)
• Running away
• Excessive or early masturbation
• Bowel or Bladder accidents in previously toilet trained children

You should take heed if you see any of the above behaviors in your child because they are a likely indication that something is wrong. It may not necessarily mean that your son or daughter is being abused, but it does mean that they are in distress and need your help.

If you do find that abuse has occurred, make sure to act immediately!

Reporting the crime to the law enforcement agencies is crucial because the majority of sexual offenders are family members, or are otherwise known to the child. Thus, they will continuously have access to your child as well as other children in the community. Most importantly, by choosing not to report sends the wrong message to the child, as your silence may be viewed as acceptance. Research has shown that the way a parent reacts to finding out that their child has been molested greatly impacts how their child will heal. Let them know in no uncertain terms that you do believe them, and that it was not their fault. Next, make sure that they receive therapy to address the significant trauma.

Although immediate therapy is the best-case scenario, many adults who were previous abused have never dealt with the emotions associated with their trauma. Much like Tyler Perry found, it is difficult to run from these memories and emotions. As a result, many adults use alcohol and drugs to help numb the pain….but it always seems to lie just under the surface.

Regardless of your age, you can begin your journey toward healing. Try not to be afraid of the hurt and pain that you feel, but instead address them. Speak to a therapist, or join a support group to meet the countless others who share your story. Just remember that you are not alone, and that it is possible to live and love without pain. With time, you will find that inner peace will come.

Resources:

The Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network 1-800-656-HOPE (www.rainn.org)

Darkness to Light's National Helpline Network- 1-866-367-5444 (www.darkness2light.org)

Happy Parenting,

Gaétane Borders, MA, ABD President, Peas In Their Pods

Gaétane is a certified School Psychologist who works closely with the inner-city youth and their parents. She is an advocate of children’s rights and strives to help parent achieve healthy, harmonious, and emotionally stable environments for their children. She is a sought after media consultant, and is often featured in print, radio, and television. Gaétane is the President of the organization called Peas in Their Pods, which spreads awareness about the epidemic of child abduction in the African American community. In addition, Gaétane touches the lives of children by serving as the spokesperson for the DreamMaker Kids career-training program which inspires children to dream big!