“Still Breathing”

by Lavinia Masters

Amazing how those things that you use to bring you shame and great fear now is seen as a badge of honor and courage and your life’s purpose. Imagine living in darkness and silence for so long that you actually believe that you can’t physically see or speak. I never knew that darkness and silence could be so loud that your vision of life would be obscured and your very voice muted.

Being alone in darkness and not being able to scream is no fun for anyone especially a child. A place where your imagination run wild as you know that there are monsters lurking over your very head and if you dared turned the lights on to expose them that the fear of their snarling faces is greater than that fear of the unknown. Now you remain silent because you fear that if you speak or scream about those things that lurk in the dark that they will hear you and cause you great harm maybe even death.

How foolish it was to remain silent for so long but the fear that if you speak on these things in your darkness that the world would then judge, blame and ridicule you for trying to bring such things as sexual abuse/assault to the light. Here is where your screams go unheard, your tears unseen and your fears remain unknown…in darkness and in silence.

When in darkness you make many mistakes. You will find yourself bumping into and offending those that are just there to try and help you onto your road of recovery yet you knock them out of the way because you can’t see the obvious. Falling into ditches becomes common for you but could have been avoided as you could not see the many hands and signs that was there to warn or guide you along your way. Finally falling down and failing to get back up has become your greatest defeat because you fail to see that there is still good in others and many was sent by God to help you get back up again.

No one can listen to what they cannot hear. If you don’t scream how can anyone know that you are afraid. If no one can hear your cries how can you expect for someone to come to your rescue. If you don’t speak how are others to know that you exist and that you have been hurt and care about what you have to say. I’ve learned and have shared on numerous occasions that silence can be your demise as you continue to hold all the negativity of sexual trauma within it can be the same as inhaling and holding poisonous gases in your body.

As you remain silent the poison not only destroys you internally but it begins to leak on the outside and destroys you externally. Now you have a form of cancer destroying your inner being and a form of leprosy disfiguring your outer appearance and alienating you from the world. Your attitude changes, your mood swings back and forth from negative to unenthusiastic. Depression creeps in more that you care to admit then finally it finds a permanent place of residence within your mental state. Medically you could be diagnosed bi-polar or manic depression but spiritually I believe that your diagnosis is that you are in need of a healing.

Sometimes coming out of the darkness and breaking the silence is a matter of opening your mouth and stepping out on faith to share your testimony with others. Telling the world that fear has no more dominion over you and the sexual trauma that occurred in your life will no longer keep you in bondage. You must have a desire to be courageous…you must have a desire to be free but most importantly must have a desire to be healed.

Lavinia Masters is the Founder of S.A.V.E Ministry, a survivor of childhood sexual assault, a speaker for RAINN, and a faithful advocate. She has appeared on all major news network shows, has been instrumental in passing legislation in Texas, and is the author of "Breathe Again." SaveMinistry.Org

Getting Through Anniversary Dates

by Anne Peterson

We glance at the calendar and notice the day is approaching. A feeling of dread starts surfacing. How will we make it through another birthday of our loved one? Isn’t a birthday a celebration of the person’s life. We don’t feel like celebrating. Birthdays are reminders of how old the person was, and all that stopped one day.

It’s hard grieving a loved one to be sure. Anniversary dates make it even more difficult. How can we face anniversary dates without dread? Is it possible to get through them without white knuckling it?

I can honestly say, without God in my life, I don’t think I could have gone through my sister’s disappearance for all these years. Loss after loss, God has taught me he is the only constant thing in my life. Everything else is subject to change. And I don’t like a lot of the changes. Actually, I have trouble with any change, but I’m learning.

God promises he will never leave me in Hebrews 13:5. He is the one who enables me to get through the difficult things in my life. He truly understands how I feel. When you’ve lost a loved one, it’s normal to miss them. Anniversary days are even more difficult. You can’t share your life with a loved one and be the same if suddenly they are gone. It’s natural to feel a longing for them.

When both my mother and father were gone I came across a verse I felt was written just for me. Psalm 27:10. “When your father and your mother forsake you, I will take you up.” God became what I needed. He would sometimes provide other people in my life who would help when I was struggling. And sometimes I just felt peace that I knew had to be from him. Peace that didn’t make any sense.

Following the disappearance of my sister in September, 1982, I entered a waiting room and to some degree am still in it. We never reclaimed her body. There are still questions that remain unanswered. And there is still pain. Anniversary dates have been hard. Christmas, Thanksgiving, her birthday. I feel like those days have become less difficult. Don’t get me wrong, they are still hard, but it feels like I am enjoying other things more which makes it easier. There are times I wondered if I would ever feel happy again. A part of me used to think I couldn’t enjoy my life since she wasn’t here to live hers. Of late I have thought, If I was the one gone, I wouldn’t want my loved ones to stop living.


We can make anniversary days good days.

I used to store my feelings and then let them all out on anniversary dates. I do not recommend this at all. When the special day would come, I found myself very depressed. My mom died when I was 16 years old. It was a sudden death which left us devastated. When November 4th rolled around I knew it would be a heavy day. One year I remember the dread, the heavy emotion, all of it. Later that day I realized it was November 3rd, not the anniversary day at all. I had spent the whole day depressed and it wasn’t even the right day! We give the actual days a lot of power.

I want to celebrate how much I love them, not how much I miss them. How much I miss them is understood.

April 15th will be here before I blink my eyes. April 15th, tax day to everyone. But to us, it’s also Peggy’s birthday. I used to be so sad on that day. Since the trial I make sure I touch base with family members just to kind of check in. I want to do something this year to honor her. I’m not certain what that will look like, but I know it will help.

We can change how we look at anniversary dates. We can decide how the day will go. True our emotions will be involved, but we can still make decisions about how much time will be devoted to sadness, or if the whole day will be consumed. Maybe you are in a place where the whole day would be sad, and that’s okay. I remember grieving for my mom and some days I found comfort in just rocking in the rocking chair we had bought her. I would sit and cry and let it out.

Find support.

When we went through a trial for my sister I found a grief group. It wasn’t long before I realized that members of the group did care, but they couldn’t relate to me. My situation was different because we believed she was the victim of a homicide. So, I found a homicide group which met monthly. It was a group I could share with, cry with or just sit quietly with and feel safe. It helped knowing I was not in this alone. And when anniversary dates came each member was aware how difficult it was. I never felt I couldn’t share about my sister in that group.

We even brought pictures of our loved ones and passed them around. Before I found the support group, I found I would spontaneously share with anyone who would listen, and honestly, that didn’t work out very well sometimes. It’s not that I wanted to share with strangers, it’s just that it was inside and it would burst out. As I look back on that time I see, I was just bleeding all over the place.

When we lose loved ones, one of our fears is that our loved one will be forgotten. Find a trusted friend you can share with. Sharing even the smallest things can help. There are many people in the world who want you to just “move on.” They mean well, they want you to be happy. Some are unable to face their own mortality and we are reminders that life is not always easy. One of the reason we empathize is because we have gone through something difficult. Without our experiences maybe we wouldn’t know how to respond to someone who was hurting.


Write a letter to your loved one.

One thing that used to be difficult for me was that I could no longer talk to my sister. A counselor once suggested I write my sister 3 letters, with a week or two between each one. One letter would not have done it. Thinking back on that exercise, I remember I was reluctant at first. I mean, how could writing her help me. She couldn’t answer.

Still, I decided to give it a try. I found my first letter was flooded with anger. Anger about what had happened, anger that she had not confided in us sooner. Paragraphs upon paragraphs of anger. Feelings of helplessness sometimes turn into anger. Sometimes we’re angry we couldn’t have done something to prevent our loved one’s death. I had a lot to say to her in that first letter. While my second letter was still full of emotion, I noticed there was less anger. Could this actually be helping me?

By the time I wrote her the third letter, my tears just drenched the pages. This letter was full of grief and regret over the things we wouldn’t get to share. Writing her helped me. I believe this exercise would help even those who don’t like to write. Oh, and it was important that this be handwritten. If you choose to try this, write anything that comes in your mind, even if it’s something like:

“I don’t know why I’m writing this letter, I hate this.”

Just keep going. It will release some of the emotions within you.


Look around you.

I am not the only person who has lost a loved one, nor am I the only one who has lost a loved one to homicide. Maybe I can encourage someone else who is taking this journey. If I focus on someone outside myself, I tend to do better. It says in 2 Corinthians 1:4 that the God of all comfort, comforts us so we can comfort others. It’s not for us to be comfortable. The people who have really helped me the most in this journey have been those who have experienced hurt. They have something to say to me. And I, in turn might have something to say to others who are hurting. It also brings something good out of something bad.

If you have lost a loved one, I am really sorry for your loss. You will always miss your loved one, that doesn’t go away. But, somehow the other parts of your life begin to matter again. And things get a little better.

On April 15th, my sister would have been 57. I know we would have talked on that day, talked and laughed a lot. But, I’ll just have to wait for when I’ll see her again. And in the meantime, I’m going to celebrate her life. Celebrate that she was a good sister, a wonderful mom and someone I miss very much. Happy Birthday Peggy, I love you.



Anne Peterson is a poet, speaker, and author of 42 Bible studies and numerous articles with www.christianbiblestudies.com. To find out more about Anne or her poetry visit her website at www.annepeterson.com.

The Many Faces of Courage

By Lavinia Masters

I have encountered so many individuals on this journey called life. Some have been loyal while others seem rather distant. I have met those that unite with me for the power of changing the world and then there are those that I have met that thought they should have the power to make a change in me. I have encountered many people and even have been told that I have touched many lives… all from different backgrounds, various lifestyles and numerous beliefs but the most intriguing people I have ever met are those that display the many faces of courage.

Recently a good friend and fellow survivor turned advocate faced her sexual assault assailant in court for the crime he committed against her. While the details and facts of her case and assault are irrelevant at this point know that the abuse that she endured was not only horrific and devastating but it also caused a major disappointment to her religious community for the accused was claiming to be a man of the cloth.

When I first met this young woman (whom we will call Janet to respect her privacy) and heard her appalling story… I was like “wow” this is one courageous woman! Then as I began to work alongside her in the fight to end sexual violence I discovered that this was definitely more than a courageous woman but an individual that displays the many faces of courage.

As I watched Janet gather the remains of her sanity and try to pick up after such a traumatic and horrendous experience that occurred in her life…I looked upon her face and knew that without a shadow of doubt that this lady had the courage to survive. Then to my amazement I watched Janet as she began to seek and continue to glorify God during her time of mental bereavement as she sought to be restored from her mental and emotional brokenness…it was here where she displayed her courage to heal. And despite all obstacles and major disappointments that not only her assailant but the church placed upon her she still presented her case before the courts as well as the church and with great strength displayed to all her courage to stand.

The next face that Janet made visible was a face that is not seen often… for many sexual abuse victims continue to allow the false shame and guilt that sexual trauma brings to cripple them and keep them from displaying their many faces of courage…however Janet decided that she would not only share her story with other survivors but with the entire world and as I stood in awe I applauded her in her openness and courage to speak. Profound and confident, Janet spoke with no hatred in her heart and knew that vengeance was not hers but as for her assailant she desired that he would only be helped and rehabilitated through the justice system and prayed that God would have mercy upon his soul and help him to turn from his wicked ways for preying on the weak and innocent while destroying their virtue… and it was in this instant that Janet showed me several more faces and they were the courage to love, the courage to forgive and the courage to fight!

To some courage is bravery or valor while the dictionary defines it as the ability to face danger, difficulty, uncertainty, or pain without being overcome by fear or being deflected from a course of action. Janet however defined courage in many aspects while showing its many faces. Courage is an unparalleled source of power that each survivor has within them and as they walk through the unknown they will discover that the only thing that they had to fear as a victim was fear itself. When a survivor decides that the “victim mentality” will no longer be apart of their way of living and thinking…it is here where they can shed their mask of being wounded so they too can display the many faces that courage has. I watched Janet display her courage to persevere and I knew that being a “perpetual victim” was not an option...I saw with my own eyes that the power that God gives us to heal lies within each of us and I know that as a survivor we all can display our many faces of courage too.

I decided to…will you?

How to Keep Our Children Safe from Sexual Abuse.

By Rae Luskin, Guest Writer

Did you know that one in four girls and one in six boys are sexually abused by the time they are 18. Did you know that every 2 minutes a child is sexually assaulted? Did you know that sexual abuse spans all socio economic, religious and ethnic groups?

Many abuse victims suffer the violation in silence, either blaming themselves or being afraid no one will believe them. The research says that 30% of victims never tell anyone. The survivors of childhood sexual abuse experience a high rate of physical problems, mental health issues and social problems. The physical and emotional problems can last for a lifetime.

I want to emphasize that it just did not happen to that child or family. It affects all of us in a community. It touches every life when it leads to losses of trust, decrease in self esteem, prostitution, more violence, when it leads to eating disorders, substance abuse, or suicide. If we want to create a safe place for our children then we must educate ourselves. If we want to create a community that does not tolerate sexual abuse then we must speak out!

1. Learn the facts about child abuse. Remember that 85% of the time the child knows and trusts the abuser. It is not just stranger danger.

2. Minimize the opportunity. Consider not leaving your children in other people’s homes. Avoid situations where people you don’t know will be present. Tell caregivers in front of the children, that if they are uncomfortable or afraid in any situation they should call you.

3. Stay alert to the signs of sexual abuse. They may not be obvious. Possible signs include: nervousness around adults; reluctance to go home; secretiveness; nightmares, withdrawn or become suddenly aggressive; running away; sexual knowledge beyond their years. See a more complete list at www.loveourchildrenusa.org

4. Educate your children about appropriate sexual behavior and what constitutes unwanted or uncomfortable physical contact. Tell your children what an abuser might say. My grandfather said” this is our little secret” and it was.

5. Listen to your children. Give your children permission to cry, protest whenever they think someone has crossed a boundary. Tell them they can come to you and talk about anything, there is a no one gets in trouble policy.

6. Make a plan, where to go or who to call or how you will react if your child comes to you. Check out your local resources. Practice this conversation.

7. Act on your suspicions. Listen to your gut. Being silent can contribute to a lifetime of pain for a child. My friend Charla was jogging by the local elementary school. She saw a man standing by a beat up old car with out of state license plates. So she stopped. She engaged him in conversation, who are you waiting for? Does your child go to school here? Where are you from? Eventually he left and she reported him to the local authorities.

8. Challenge the media or advertising when they sexualize children! Write letters, boycott products. I recently saw the play TRUST about cyber predators produced by David Schwimmer. The movie will be released this fall. The father in the play created advertising for tweens that was overtly sexual and exploitive. Pay attention.

9. If you suspect abuse you must report it! Tell the doctor, the police, call your local protection agency or 1 800 25 ABUSE, the National Child Abuse Hotline.

10. Ask what policies and protocols are in place at school, work or your religious institution! Maybe your school has a good touch/bad touch program. Ask if your teachers or clergy have been trained in how to handle abuse situations.

11. Keep the conversation going. Help raise awareness of sexual abuse with your friends by choosing a book for your book club or a film for viewing. Speak about it at organizations and events. Let me be that voice at your next event.

The Chinese character for crisis is a combination of two words, danger and opportunity. We know what the danger is. This is your opportunity to make a difference in the lives of our children and make our communities safer. Get involved, volunteer, speak out for all the children of the world.


Rae Luskin, www.survivorsoulutions.com   (Go to the website for a FREE Healing Exercise download.)

Rae has been an artist, teacher and community activist in the greater Chicago area for the last 15 years. In 1999, she founded Art & Soul Connections, which is dedicated to self-discovery and healing through the arts. 

Tyler Perry's Story

By Gaetane Borders

Recently, Tyler Perry shared with the world that he had been both physically and sexually abused as a child. He wrote at length about how watching the movie Precious brought about a surge of emotions that he had never experienced before, and forced him to deal with the pain of his past. The title character in the movie is a 16-year-old girl who suffers cruel and unusual abuse by her mother. This storyline apparently mimicked Tyler’s personal experiences, and allowed him to face his own fears.

According to Tyler, the movie brought on vivid memories such as the time his mother attempted to leave his abusive father when he was three. She packed the car with Tyler and his two sisters and headed to California. However, his father reported the car stolen, and Tyler’s mother was ultimately arrested. After spending several days in a jail cell, his father and uncle arrived, and they all piled into the car to head back to Louisiana. As his uncle drove, his father sat in the back seat beating his mother “black and blue…as [Tyler] and [his] sisters watched in horror.”

Tyler’s father was not only abusive towards his mother, but reportedly also physically abused Tyler. He recalled that on one occasion his inebriated father beat him with a vacuum cleaner extension until the skin came off of his back. In addition to the drunken beatings by his father, Tyler indicated that he was sexually abused by both a woman and a man on separate occasions, and witnessed his father attempting to molest a young female friend.

The truly sad thing is that Tyler’s story is not unique. In fact, it’s far too common. An estimated 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse exist in America today. However since most abused and neglected children never come to the attention of government authorities, the official government statistics do not indicate actual rates of child abuse. One of the reasons that sexual abuse goes unreported to the authorities is because children often do not tell even when asked. That is why it is important to know the possible warning signs.

Possible Warning Signs That Your Child Has Been Sexually Abused:

• Abnormal sexual knowledge
• Radical mood swings
• Sense of danger where he/she lives
• Change in eating habits (bulimia, anorexia, or compulsive eating)
• Nightmares, insomnia, sleepwalking and other sleep disturbances
• Radical change in school performance for better or worse
• Fearful about certain people
• Depression, crying episodes, etc.
• Substance abuse/addiction
• Fear of adult or adolescent
• Regressive, babyish behavior
• Intense efforts to gain attention/affection from adults
• Suicidal thinking, gestures, and attempts
• Self-mutalative behavior (ie. Cutting)
• Running away
• Excessive or early masturbation
• Bowel or Bladder accidents in previously toilet trained children

You should take heed if you see any of the above behaviors in your child because they are a likely indication that something is wrong. It may not necessarily mean that your son or daughter is being abused, but it does mean that they are in distress and need your help.

If you do find that abuse has occurred, make sure to act immediately!

Reporting the crime to the law enforcement agencies is crucial because the majority of sexual offenders are family members, or are otherwise known to the child. Thus, they will continuously have access to your child as well as other children in the community. Most importantly, by choosing not to report sends the wrong message to the child, as your silence may be viewed as acceptance. Research has shown that the way a parent reacts to finding out that their child has been molested greatly impacts how their child will heal. Let them know in no uncertain terms that you do believe them, and that it was not their fault. Next, make sure that they receive therapy to address the significant trauma.

Although immediate therapy is the best-case scenario, many adults who were previous abused have never dealt with the emotions associated with their trauma. Much like Tyler Perry found, it is difficult to run from these memories and emotions. As a result, many adults use alcohol and drugs to help numb the pain….but it always seems to lie just under the surface.

Regardless of your age, you can begin your journey toward healing. Try not to be afraid of the hurt and pain that you feel, but instead address them. Speak to a therapist, or join a support group to meet the countless others who share your story. Just remember that you are not alone, and that it is possible to live and love without pain. With time, you will find that inner peace will come.

Resources:

The Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network 1-800-656-HOPE (www.rainn.org)

Darkness to Light's National Helpline Network- 1-866-367-5444 (www.darkness2light.org)

Happy Parenting,

Gaétane Borders, MA, ABD President, Peas In Their Pods

Gaétane is a certified School Psychologist who works closely with the inner-city youth and their parents. She is an advocate of children’s rights and strives to help parent achieve healthy, harmonious, and emotionally stable environments for their children. She is a sought after media consultant, and is often featured in print, radio, and television. Gaétane is the President of the organization called Peas in Their Pods, which spreads awareness about the epidemic of child abduction in the African American community. In addition, Gaétane touches the lives of children by serving as the spokesperson for the DreamMaker Kids career-training program which inspires children to dream big!