When Others Hurt

by Anne Peterson

Look around. Hurting people are everywhere. In the last couple of weeks I have had some medical tests done, finding myself in and around the hospital. When I see others there, I wonder what their stories are, what they’re going through. Years ago when I lost my mother I remember the impact it had on our family. My whole life changed in a matter of days. I was just 16 at the time and I remember feeling so alone. I am convinced we don’t know what others are going through. We make judgments based on what we see, but we really don’t know their stories.

This week I read a devotion by Lysa TerKeurst, noted speaker and writer with Proverbs 31 Ministry. She told the story of a speaking engagement she had last year in Pensacola. At the conclusion of the conference she was immediately summoned to speak to someone in crisis.

“There has been an horrific tragedy, the speaker was told. Would you please come at once.”

A grandmother attending the conference had just received word that her two grandchildren had been killed in a house fire. This poor grandmother had just spent the prior week with those precious grandchildren and she eventually put them on a plane home. The children did not want to leave her and were crying. Upon returning home their mother’s boyfriend was high on drugs and deliberately set fire to the house, with the children inside.

This woman’s whole life changed in a matter of moments. What could the speaker possibly say to this grandmother in shock. How could she help her as she stood consumed in this sea of grief? Lysa approached her not knowing what she would share at all.

Still, she made her way over to her. When she finally got to her side all Lysa did was quietly mention the name “Jesus,” over and over. Soon the grandmother started repeated it, the police officer repeated it, as well as the paramedics who had come to the aid of this distraught woman. Over and over people within earshot started saying “Jesus.” And though that was the only thing said, a peace started permeating the room and this poor woman started to relax.

One year later when Lysa returned for another speaking engagement she stood with this grandmother once again, hand in hand remembering the events of the previous year. The speaker noticed a peace in this poor woman who had lost something so valuable in a senseless act of violence. They simply stood in silence remembering the event, but also the peace they shared because of turning to God.

Sometimes when someone is in the throes of grief we can be there with them, just sharing in their pain. We needn’t wait till we know what we can say. There are no magic words to take away such deep abiding pain. And yet, our presence speaks volumes to those who are hurting.

Sometimes in our grief others step back. It isn’t that they don’t care, though at the time that is how it feels. Some simply are afraid, lacking experience. Some feel that if they bring up the loved one their friend or family member will hurt. The truth is, they are already hurting.

A friend of mine lost her baby years ago and shared what hurt the worst was not what people said, but those who chose to say nothing. To her, it felt like they were denying the very existence of her child. It made her loss more difficult, and it felt like her loved one was unimportant.

We are human beings and we make mistakes. But, it is still better to make an attempt to console someone than to step back.

Through Hospice, I read a great article about grief and how it helps to get in the bucket with those who grieve, to just be there. Often when someone is hurting they are in their pain and we bring over our own buckets, trying to pour what we have into theirs. The problem is their buckets are already full. What they really need, the article explained, is for us to get in their bucket with them.

Empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. When we don’t understand the particular thing someone is going through we can still be there for them, we can share their feelings.

The truth is even if we have gone through something similar to those who are hurting, we don’t know how they feel. We are all different, and we process things differently. In fact, it is helpful if when we are with a hurting person that we don’t say, “I know how you feel.”

Ogle County Hospice printed a story about a young boy who asked his father if he could go across the street to visit their elderly neighbor who was sitting on his porch. This old gentleman had just lost his beloved wife of many years, and the family had talked about how tough it must be for him.

The little boy carefully crossed the street to the neighbor’s house and then climbed on the old man’s lap. The father watched quietly, wondering what kind of conversation the two of them might be having. Soon the young boy came back home and he and his father went inside their own house. As they did, the father asked, “What did you talk about son,?”

“Nothing,” was his reply."

“But, I saw you sitting on the neighbor’s lap, what were you saying?”

The son replied, “I didn’t say anything, Daddy, I just helped him cry.”

A counselor once shared with me his reaction to a doctor’s treatment of a terminal patient. The doctor briefly told the woman in a matter of moments that there was nothing left they could do for her. When asked about his lack of sensitivity, he merely, replied,” That’s not my job.”

Maybe as a doctor he felt that his obligation was met delivering the woman’s prognosis, but as a human being, he failed her. Five minutes spent being with her might have assuaged some of her impending fears. Those few minutes would have given her the message that she mattered.

It’s interesting to me how we are wired as human beings. Personally, I have experienced many losses in my life. It’s something that became familiar at even a young age. Consequently, I am not uncomfortable when someone receives bad news. I don’t feel like backing away, but instead, I am somehow drawn to the person, perhaps remembering how difficult it is at that moment. How the world seems to go on unaware that your whole world has just stopped. Maybe for that moment I can be someone that makes a difference. Maybe I can help in some way.

It’s good to know that God cares about us, that he has numbered the very hairs on our heads. Those are truths we can hold onto. But sometimes, in the midst of our pain, we need to know someone will be there with us, someone who will help us cry or just get in our bucket with us. It can make all the difference in the world.

Getting Through Anniversary Dates

by Anne Peterson

We glance at the calendar and notice the day is approaching. A feeling of dread starts surfacing. How will we make it through another birthday of our loved one? Isn’t a birthday a celebration of the person’s life. We don’t feel like celebrating. Birthdays are reminders of how old the person was, and all that stopped one day.

It’s hard grieving a loved one to be sure. Anniversary dates make it even more difficult. How can we face anniversary dates without dread? Is it possible to get through them without white knuckling it?

I can honestly say, without God in my life, I don’t think I could have gone through my sister’s disappearance for all these years. Loss after loss, God has taught me he is the only constant thing in my life. Everything else is subject to change. And I don’t like a lot of the changes. Actually, I have trouble with any change, but I’m learning.

God promises he will never leave me in Hebrews 13:5. He is the one who enables me to get through the difficult things in my life. He truly understands how I feel. When you’ve lost a loved one, it’s normal to miss them. Anniversary days are even more difficult. You can’t share your life with a loved one and be the same if suddenly they are gone. It’s natural to feel a longing for them.

When both my mother and father were gone I came across a verse I felt was written just for me. Psalm 27:10. “When your father and your mother forsake you, I will take you up.” God became what I needed. He would sometimes provide other people in my life who would help when I was struggling. And sometimes I just felt peace that I knew had to be from him. Peace that didn’t make any sense.

Following the disappearance of my sister in September, 1982, I entered a waiting room and to some degree am still in it. We never reclaimed her body. There are still questions that remain unanswered. And there is still pain. Anniversary dates have been hard. Christmas, Thanksgiving, her birthday. I feel like those days have become less difficult. Don’t get me wrong, they are still hard, but it feels like I am enjoying other things more which makes it easier. There are times I wondered if I would ever feel happy again. A part of me used to think I couldn’t enjoy my life since she wasn’t here to live hers. Of late I have thought, If I was the one gone, I wouldn’t want my loved ones to stop living.


We can make anniversary days good days.

I used to store my feelings and then let them all out on anniversary dates. I do not recommend this at all. When the special day would come, I found myself very depressed. My mom died when I was 16 years old. It was a sudden death which left us devastated. When November 4th rolled around I knew it would be a heavy day. One year I remember the dread, the heavy emotion, all of it. Later that day I realized it was November 3rd, not the anniversary day at all. I had spent the whole day depressed and it wasn’t even the right day! We give the actual days a lot of power.

I want to celebrate how much I love them, not how much I miss them. How much I miss them is understood.

April 15th will be here before I blink my eyes. April 15th, tax day to everyone. But to us, it’s also Peggy’s birthday. I used to be so sad on that day. Since the trial I make sure I touch base with family members just to kind of check in. I want to do something this year to honor her. I’m not certain what that will look like, but I know it will help.

We can change how we look at anniversary dates. We can decide how the day will go. True our emotions will be involved, but we can still make decisions about how much time will be devoted to sadness, or if the whole day will be consumed. Maybe you are in a place where the whole day would be sad, and that’s okay. I remember grieving for my mom and some days I found comfort in just rocking in the rocking chair we had bought her. I would sit and cry and let it out.

Find support.

When we went through a trial for my sister I found a grief group. It wasn’t long before I realized that members of the group did care, but they couldn’t relate to me. My situation was different because we believed she was the victim of a homicide. So, I found a homicide group which met monthly. It was a group I could share with, cry with or just sit quietly with and feel safe. It helped knowing I was not in this alone. And when anniversary dates came each member was aware how difficult it was. I never felt I couldn’t share about my sister in that group.

We even brought pictures of our loved ones and passed them around. Before I found the support group, I found I would spontaneously share with anyone who would listen, and honestly, that didn’t work out very well sometimes. It’s not that I wanted to share with strangers, it’s just that it was inside and it would burst out. As I look back on that time I see, I was just bleeding all over the place.

When we lose loved ones, one of our fears is that our loved one will be forgotten. Find a trusted friend you can share with. Sharing even the smallest things can help. There are many people in the world who want you to just “move on.” They mean well, they want you to be happy. Some are unable to face their own mortality and we are reminders that life is not always easy. One of the reason we empathize is because we have gone through something difficult. Without our experiences maybe we wouldn’t know how to respond to someone who was hurting.


Write a letter to your loved one.

One thing that used to be difficult for me was that I could no longer talk to my sister. A counselor once suggested I write my sister 3 letters, with a week or two between each one. One letter would not have done it. Thinking back on that exercise, I remember I was reluctant at first. I mean, how could writing her help me. She couldn’t answer.

Still, I decided to give it a try. I found my first letter was flooded with anger. Anger about what had happened, anger that she had not confided in us sooner. Paragraphs upon paragraphs of anger. Feelings of helplessness sometimes turn into anger. Sometimes we’re angry we couldn’t have done something to prevent our loved one’s death. I had a lot to say to her in that first letter. While my second letter was still full of emotion, I noticed there was less anger. Could this actually be helping me?

By the time I wrote her the third letter, my tears just drenched the pages. This letter was full of grief and regret over the things we wouldn’t get to share. Writing her helped me. I believe this exercise would help even those who don’t like to write. Oh, and it was important that this be handwritten. If you choose to try this, write anything that comes in your mind, even if it’s something like:

“I don’t know why I’m writing this letter, I hate this.”

Just keep going. It will release some of the emotions within you.


Look around you.

I am not the only person who has lost a loved one, nor am I the only one who has lost a loved one to homicide. Maybe I can encourage someone else who is taking this journey. If I focus on someone outside myself, I tend to do better. It says in 2 Corinthians 1:4 that the God of all comfort, comforts us so we can comfort others. It’s not for us to be comfortable. The people who have really helped me the most in this journey have been those who have experienced hurt. They have something to say to me. And I, in turn might have something to say to others who are hurting. It also brings something good out of something bad.

If you have lost a loved one, I am really sorry for your loss. You will always miss your loved one, that doesn’t go away. But, somehow the other parts of your life begin to matter again. And things get a little better.

On April 15th, my sister would have been 57. I know we would have talked on that day, talked and laughed a lot. But, I’ll just have to wait for when I’ll see her again. And in the meantime, I’m going to celebrate her life. Celebrate that she was a good sister, a wonderful mom and someone I miss very much. Happy Birthday Peggy, I love you.



Anne Peterson is a poet, speaker, and author of 42 Bible studies and numerous articles with www.christianbiblestudies.com. To find out more about Anne or her poetry visit her website at www.annepeterson.com.

God Understands

By Anne Peterson

We never saw her again. Many times when a person is missing, somewhere down the line the family will receive word that the body has been found. We opted to have a memorial for our sister even though we never found her. When the person accused of her murder was found not guilty that did not mean the whole nightmare didn’t happen.

It still did. The judge declared Peggy Dianovsky dead and said she was the victim of a crime. Some say when you do find the body then at least you can have closure. Personally, I don’t believe there is such a thing as closure.

When you truly love someone and they become a part of your life there will never be a time when you don’t miss them. I think the whole idea of closure is something conjured so people could move on. People don’t like to see others in pain. They want you to live your life. The truth is, you want to live it too, you’ve just forgotten how.

There are some people in my life who have helped me through this loss. They are the ones who accepted where I was at and didn’t try to move me on. We all grieve differently. Trying to get someone to move where we think they should be is presumptuous. We are saying we know where they should be and even that we know how they feel. And the truth is you don’t know how someone else feels. Every situation is different, and every person responds differently.

One day while I was driving the 35 minute ride home from a homicide support group, I was processing some of the discussion that night. I remember crying harder and harder and then eventually screaming at the top of my voice. I was so angry.

I know God personally and I told him just how mad I was, how unfair the whole thing was. Some may not agree with having anger at God, but that’s okay. I’m just telling you my story. I remember wondering if God really did know how I felt. And when I finally got quiet I realized that God knows exactly how we feel when we grieve someone who was killed. His own son was killed on a cross. God understands.

Another time I had been dwelling on how awful it must have been for my sister the last moments of her life. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt. It was a dark place to be sure. And then, God gently reassured me of something that gave me such peace. He said, “Anne, I was with her.”

Knowing that has made all the difference in the world. How do I know what he said to me was true? Because in God’s word, in Hebrews 13:5, he says, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” My sister knew Jesus and had a personal relationship with God. I know God was with her.

Some may ask, “Well, if he was there, why didn’t he try and stop it?”

And I have to say, that’s a question I asked him myself, until I realized he could have stopped those that killed his son, but he didn’t.

You see God gives us free will. And while we like the concept when it applies to us, the truth is some will choose to exercise their free will in ways that hurt others.

So, how do I have peace about the fact that my sister was killed? It’s a peace you can only get when you place your faith in God. When you are a child your parents were God to you, your authority. As you grew up you realized there were reasons for the decisions they made in your lives.

Likewise, as we learn about God and his character we get to the place where we trust him when we don’t understand the situation.

I do not understand my life,

it’s difficult for me,

some questions have no answers,

at least that I can see,

and yet, with every year I’ve grown,

there is a truth that God makes known,

I do not have to understand,

just simply take my Father’s hand.

God is God and he is infinite. In Isaiah 55:8 & 9 God says that his ways are higher than our ways, his thoughts are different than our thoughts. Sometimes we try and bring God down to our level in an attempt to understand things.

There are things I won’t understand till heaven, and I’m okay with that. But don’t get me wrong, this has been a journey, a long journey. And I have had a lot of times when I was really angry, when I’m still angry. The good news is that God understands my anger. He understands your anger. He can handle it. And trying to pretend you’re not angry is silly. He knows all your thoughts. God is also angry that my sister was killed.

I know that God loves me and that he will bring something good out of something so dark. That’s the kind of God he is. And when you’re feeling down, just let it out. When you’re feeling angry, tell him. God understands, he really does.




Anne Peterson is a poet, speaker, and the author of 42 Bible studies with www.christianbiblestudies.com You can find out more about Anne Peterson or her poetry by visiting her site at www.annepeterson.com

Finding Contentment by Killing Comparisons

By Anne Peterson

Being a Facebook user, I love posting prayer requests or sharing photographs with friends and family members. Within seconds news travels through cyberspace, lessening the distance between family and friends. Unfortunately, this also becomes a temptation for comparisons, which lead to discontent.

We log on and see one of our friends has happily posted an achievement. Instead of responding with heartfelt congratulations, we turn a little green.Isn't this the same thing I've labored on for years with few results? Defeated, we log off, busying ourselves with something else.

Learn more through:Psalms: Managing Your Emotions.

What can we do when we are tempted to compare ourselves with others? 

Why is this such an obstacle to contentment?

Making comparisons is nothing new. Cain compared himself to Abel. Jesus' disciples struggled with this too. In one conversation, they tried to determine which of them would suffer in the future, and who would be spared. Jesus asked them, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you?" (John 21:23).

When we compare ourselves with others we are not walking by faith. Instead, we are trying to control things. Comparisons get us into trouble for at least two reasons.

1) They can make us feel better than the person we are comparing ourselves to, leading to pride. Remember the publican who thanked God that he wasn't a sinner? The enemy of our souls loves it when we struggle with pride. It was his downfall.
2) They can make us feel worse than the person we are comparing ourselves to, leading to low self-esteem, which still keeps our focus on ourselves. Although it says in James that God is not a respecter of persons, we do not believe this if we believe God is withholding something from us that is rightfully ours.

To be content, we need to swap lies for truth
Sometimes we even compare how God is working now with how he has worked in the past. In this way we bring God down to our level, judging his track record. This is arrogance. God tells us in Isaiah 55:8, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord." In other words, we don't think like God. He wants us to walk in step with his Spirit. That means we are not to run ahead of him pulling him where we want him to be, nor are we to get behind him pushing him in the direction we want him to go. God is immovable.

As much as God wants us to walk by faith, Satan, the enemy of our souls, is determined to point out little things we hold against God. When Satan introduces these lies to us, we need to refute them. The only way we will be equipped to do that is if we saturate ourselves with the truth. The lies he tells us have a little truth mixed in, making them harder to recognize as lies. Only as we learn Scripture can we sort them out.

The world is forever pointing out things that should be ours, creating in us a sense of entitlement. Then Satan points us to those who have attained the things we hope for, pushing us farther down the road of discontentment.

Focus on the Lord when you are tempted to compare yourself with others. David, whom God called a man after his own heart, was given armor to wear when he was going to fight Goliath. The armor was too large for his small frame, but David didn't go searching for different armor so that he could replicate others who went out in battle. Instead, David's focus was on God's character, not on his opponent. God, who had helped David in the past, would continue to help him as he faced Goliath. All of us have had experiences of trusting God. We need to remind ourselves of his faithfulness.

To be content, we need to praise God in all circumstances
God is always looking out for our good. Knowing this about God is essential for us during our times of trial, when some things don't make sense. God is more concerned about transforming us into the image of his Son than he is about how it will temporarily affect us.

The apostle Paul was beaten, imprisoned, stoned, and shipwrecked. Still, in prison chains, he wrote to the church that he was content no matter his circumstances. He tells us to be content in our circumstances, not thankful for our circumstances. When things go wrong, what can we praise God for? We can praise him for who he is. Our circumstances do not diminish his character. He never becomes less than he is.

If we just start praising him, as David did in the Psalms, we will be reminded of other reasons he is worthy of praise. Satan is the only one who doesn't want us to praise God, so he will continually try to get our focus off the Lord. Satan loves it when we focus on what we don't have, what God hasn't done for us, or how God has seemingly let us down. Satan is the original killjoy.

Too often we praise God only when we feel like praising him. Offering God praise has nothing to do with our feelings. Instead, when we are going through a difficult time, our praise becomes a sacrifice to him.

Charles Swindoll says that life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you react to what happens to you. We act as if it's the other way around. The apostle Paul encourages us to rejoice in the Lord always. That is much different from rejoicing in what is going on with us. If Solomon had told us to rejoice, we might have a problem with that. After all, wasn't Solomon the richest man around? But Paul was talking to us with chains on.

To be content, we have to kill the dragons of comparison
I have started challenging myself lately. When I see a status on a newsfeed that ruffles my feathers, I ask God to help me to pray for that person. It makes things easier when I'm honest with God, telling him how I feel. He knows anyway. Then, I begin to praise him.

Try singing to the Lord. When my heart is singing, whether I'm on key or not, my mind moves off of myself. I sing old hymns, such as "Jesus Never Fails" and "How Great Thou Art," because they are loaded with truths about the Lord. A couple of lines into a hymn and I find that I no longer wonder when I'm going to get the thing I'm working toward, but instead am thinking about God and all the wonderful things he has done.

Contentment is attainable, but first we must kill the dragons of comparison. And they will die as long as we keep our eyes focused on the King of Kings, the only one worth looking at.

The stick I made for measuring
I used most every day.
It helped me to compare myself
with others on my way.
I watched all those behind me,
or further down the road,
and I would readjust my pace
or lighten up my load.
The only real drawback
with how I ran my race
was watching everything around,
except my Savior's face.

Anne Peterson is a freelance author, poet, and speaker. To read Anne's blog or to engage her as a speaker, go to http://annepeterson.com/.

This article first appeared in www.christianbiblestudies.com, posted January 31, 2011

How can we Help?

by Anne Peterson

*   An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.

*   85% of domestic violence victims are women.

In college, while doing research about domestic violence I found a link with people who were abused while growing up and those who became victims of domestic violence. Women who have been abused while children grow up with feelings of shame. They somehow feel they deserve what happens to them.

A victim of domestic violence feels he/she can help the abuser.

A victim doesn’t realize the severity of his/her situation.

In their book, Safe People, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend talk about why some people seem to pick unsafe people.

“One of the chief reasons that we pick destructive people is that we are unable to judge character. Many times, when we are choosing important people in our lives, we do not think of character as the main factor. We look at how we feel, to whom we are attracted, or what seems to “pull” us towards a certain person. Our choices are very subjective.”

Having lost my sister, Peggy to domestic violence in September, 1982 I have given a lot of thought to her life. Although we were not aware of what she had endured in her 10 years of marriage, we were shocked when she was eventually declared dead after being missing for over 20 some years.

People ask why a victim stays in an abusive relationship. Many times a victim will stay because they honestly believe things will improve. When reality hits that this is how it’s going to be, some make the decision to leave the marriage. That’s when things get heated. In my sister’s case, once her husband realized she was divorcing him, then things got worse.

Looking back on her situation I am surprised she kept so much to herself. Victims often feel a sense of shame at not being able to keep the relationship together. The truth is, one person cannot make a marriage work.

Hindsight is 20/20. We wish we had known what was going on in my sister’s life all along. Maybe then we would have been in a position to help her.

Many times the victim will isolate herself from family members or friends. When they need others the most, they pull back.

Today many organizations exist whose main objective is the safety of those who are victims of domestic violence. These places provide safe havens for those who are battered. The vicim’s whereabouts are kept confidential to insure safety for her and family members. With safety experienced the victim is then freer to really look at her situation and to decide how she will proceed.

How can we help women who are in unhealthy relationships?

Be a listener. Hurting women need to talk.

Let the victim vent. It has been a while since they felt safe enough to express their feelings.

Look for tangible ways to lend a hand. Do they emotional support with their children?

Victims need a plan.

Encourage the victim to have a plan. A counselor once told her client to decide ahead of time a plan of action for the next time the partner was abusive.

Important components of that plan include:

Choose a safe place you can go. Make it a place that your partner is unaware of.

Make sure you have some money put aside. Don’t advertise that you have money.

Have a person you trust as a confidant.

If the victim does not take care of herself then she is not in a position to take care of others.

Truths for victims:

You will attract people who are as healthy as you are. Women can work on becoming emotionally healthy. Finding someone who can help them navigate this part of their lives is crucial.

Make sure you have support. Our emotions cloud our vision. Another perspective helps us see more clearly.

Your relationship does not define who you are. A partner does not make you more valuable than you are.

Learn that you are a woman of dignity. Do not allow others to disrespect you in any ways. Don’t make excuses when others mistreat you, like, he wasn’t feeling well, or I made him mad, he’s usually not like this.

Take care of yourself. Often victims are caretakers who look to the needs of others and do not look after their own needs. Somewhere along the line they believed that taking care of themselves was selfishness, so instead they focused on those around them. The problem is we cannot take care of anyone if we haven’t taken care of ourselves.

If you decide to leave the relationship, make sure you let others know what you are doing. People need each other, it’s the way we were made. Let others help you. Some would be happy to lend a hand. There may come a time when you will be the one helping someone else, but for now, ask for help.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish Peggy was still alive. I know we would have been involved in each other’s lives. We would have shared a lot of good times and even shared our grandkids.

I’m certain when she married her husband it was for life. No bride ever thinks their relationship will end violently, and yet, some will. 

Anne Peterson is a poet, speaker and author of 42 published Bible Studies as well as the author of articles for ChristianBibleStudies.com. You can find out more about Anne by going to her site, www.annepeterson.com Anne is also the sister of Peggy Dianovsky who was a victim of domestic violence.

Empty Chairs

By Anne Peterson

Holidays are stressful. While stress is normal part of life, somehow holidays seem to magnify our feelings. Part of this is due to expectations we have around the holidays. The images we see seem to exacerbate this.

Most commercials show a perfectly decorated house with everyone in the scene smiling. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy getting together with family and friends, but the pictures we see are not always accurate.

They don’t show some members who are not speaking to each other, or the hurt feelings because of those who decided not to come. Pictures are chosen to convey messages they want to convey.

Pictures sometimes lie. We have all taken pictures where smiles magically appear when someone yells, “Cheese.”

Holidays are difficult when you’ve lost a loved one. Even getting together with family is bittersweet. It’s great to see family, but also a reminder of those who are no longer here.

So how can we get through the holidays without white-knuckling it? Is is possible to enjoy our times together when we see the empty chairs?

I am here to say it is possible. That’s not to say it’s easy, but it is possible.

The truth is, we will miss our loved ones. It’s especially difficult if their death was abrupt. Then in addition to the loss we are dealing with the unfairness of it all.

I’ve heard it said, “So and so would not want you to be sad, they would want you to enjoy your life.”

And that’s probably true, but there is also something called survivor guilt. It’s when we feel guilty because we are here and our loved ones are gone. There’s this part of us that feels if we enjoy our lives maybe it means we didn’t value them. That we didn’t love them.

That is NOT true. My decision to enjoy my life does not translate into my not caring about my lost loved one.

Sometimes people who are grieving find doing the traditional celebrating too hard. So instead, they opt for a different kind of celebration. That’s fine.

Others find there is something calming about keeping the traditions going even though they do feel fractured. There isn’t just one way, you have to find what works for you.

Years ago I was given a copy of a booklet entitled “Handling the Holidays.” It is a compilation of true stories and practical choices written and complied by Bruce H. Conley & Karen L. Howard by Conley Outreach Publications. In it are many helpful suggestions. You can go to their website www.conleypublications.com where you’ll find other resources as well.

I know of people who travel when the holidays come creating new memories for faded ones. Whatever works.

One helpful thing I’ve found is giving myself permission to feel what I feel. If I’m in a nostalgic mood and want to reminisce about days gone by with everyone there, then that’s what I do. I allow myself to be human. This works so much better than trying to suppress my sadness when it starts to come. Our feelings grow when we refuse to acknowledge them, they don’t just go away.

I miss the loved ones I’ve lost. That’s the truth.

Holidays are the loneliest times for some people who are just “hanging on,” hoping to make it through another one.

If you are grieving, one thing you can do around the holidays is pick something your loved one liked to do and do it with someone else in their memory. Something like shopping or enjoying a cup of tea in a special place. A friend of mine will make her relative’s favorite meal for Christmas.

It’s important to be kind to yourself. If a particular day will be difficult then try to ease up on other things. Grieving takes a lot of energy and can deplete us. So try and do something that gives you energy.

The holidays are sometimes hard, but there are things you can do to make them more enjoyable. And as the years pass by, you’ll see they start to get a little easier.

I remember when I made the conscious decision to lighten my load. I was grieving a great loss, but I was still making myself do all the things I had done in the past, like baking and shopping. Finally, I read how grieving takes our energy and I realized I was making everything harder. The article suggested simplifying things, doing the essentials and a couple of things I chose to do.

I felt a burden lifted. That year I didn’t bake a ton of cookies, the shopping was shared as well as the decorating. And I found it really helped. Was I sad? Yes, but I was still able to have a really nice Christmas and reserve some energy.

When people lose their loved ones they are left with empty chairs. I pray even with your empty chairs you will have a holiday season that’s full of warmth and love surrounded by those you love.

Grieving is Hard.

By Anne Peterson

We all love clubs. Clubs enable us to belong to something bigger than ourselves.

When my sister Peggy Dianovsky was killed I became part of a club I never wanted to join; those who have lost a loved one to homicide.

Support is needed when going through difficult times. So I began looking for a grief group to attend. I found the people there very nice and warm but my situation was quite different. My sister had been missing for over twenty years so my grief was complicated. When I shared with the group that she had been killed I felt an invisible wall between me and the others around me. A couple of women had lost their husbands, while another member lost her father and was really struggling. Our losses were so different.

Then I heard about a homicide group that met once a month in Kane County Courthouse. I remember feeling uncomfortable as I was checked before I entered the courtroom. Laying my purse on the conveyor belt and removing my jacket became a regular thing each month. Deciding to attend those meetings was one of the wisest decisions I have ever made. That group was a life saver to me. In the 3 years I attended that group, I really cared about those in the group. Month after month we shared anniversary dates, apprehension we felt about upcoming birth dates of our loved ones, or our dread for the approaching holidays. I sat with people whose lives had been disrupted much like mine, losing a loved one to a violent death.

A different attorney was present at each meeting available to answer any legal general questions we might have. Many of our fears were assuaged as we gathered pertinent information. Those who had gone through the court experience were able to help those who would soon be experiencing it in coming months.
Dr. Brown, a Psychiatrist facilitated each meeting, encouraging us to talk about out loved ones. It was a safe place to do our hurting. A place we felt no judgment, or pressure to hurry up and get on with our lives. Also attending was the victim advocate for Kane County. You felt safe there. Like you could talk if you wanted to, or just sit there and quietly listen without pressure.

When a love one dies, one common fear is that he /she will be forgotten. Those meetings provided a place where we knew that wouldn’t happen.

I’m so thankful for that homicide group. Each town should have one. I did a lot of healing in that group. There was no pretense. I truly felt honored to sit and cry with other members in the group. Some would come in overcome with grief and did not know how to move on. Those of us who had been coming for a while encouraged those who were new. We were merely a handful of people trying to put one foot in front of the other.

One night we were told to bring pictures of our loved ones. One by one we talked about what our loved ones meant to us as they passed around our beloved pictures. It binded us even closer together.

If you are have lost someone to a violent crime, or your loved one is missing, find a group that can support you. And if you can’t find one, then start one. It really does lighten the load you are trying to carry.

Grieving is an interesting process. While attending a Hospice-sponsored grief seminar given by Tom Reardon, I learned that there are two types of grievers. There is an emotional griever who talks a lot of their grief out. There is also an instrumental griever. Instrumental grievers work out their grief by doing something. Reardon gave the illustration of a father who had lost his son. It was especially hard for the father because when he thought of Mike he remembered the project they didn’t get to work on. It was their dream to build a canoe and then take a canoe trip.

While Reardon talked with the father he asked if he was in a position to take a couple of months off of work. He shared he would be able to do that. Then the counselor encouraged him to do two things.

First, he was to make the canoe that he and his son had talked about. Secondly he was to take that canoe trip. At first, the father wasn’t certain he could even work on that project at all. But, with the encouragement of his counselor he began.

The father was surprised how working on the project gave him such peace. Once the canoe was finished he went on the trip without his son. His time was bittersweet. He enjoyed following through on their dream, thinking about his son every step of the way. This father truly was a perfect example of an instrumental healer.
After my sister Peggy’s trial we planned out a memorial. It was 2004 and she had disappeared in 1982. Still, we secured a church, planned a meal following the service unaware of how many would attend. We created a slide show with precious pictures that commemorated her life. Then we had a family member play “Fur Elise,” a song Peggy used to play on the piano. Afterwards her sons and the four of us each got up and shared what our sister meant to us. Afterwards we drove to the cemetery where our parents are also laid to rest. Standing on her empty grave we once again paused and reflected on Peggy.

Planning the memorial, working on the slideshow and making memorial handouts helped me grieve. While it has helped talking about her, I saw I needed to go further, doing something tangible. I got to do something that showed I loved her.

Grief is difficult. But if we think about it we can find people who can support us in our time of need. Find people you can talk to about your loved one, and if there’s something you can do to help you grieve, then do it.