Empty Chairs

By Anne Peterson

Holidays are stressful. While stress is normal part of life, somehow holidays seem to magnify our feelings. Part of this is due to expectations we have around the holidays. The images we see seem to exacerbate this.

Most commercials show a perfectly decorated house with everyone in the scene smiling. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy getting together with family and friends, but the pictures we see are not always accurate.

They don’t show some members who are not speaking to each other, or the hurt feelings because of those who decided not to come. Pictures are chosen to convey messages they want to convey.

Pictures sometimes lie. We have all taken pictures where smiles magically appear when someone yells, “Cheese.”

Holidays are difficult when you’ve lost a loved one. Even getting together with family is bittersweet. It’s great to see family, but also a reminder of those who are no longer here.

So how can we get through the holidays without white-knuckling it? Is is possible to enjoy our times together when we see the empty chairs?

I am here to say it is possible. That’s not to say it’s easy, but it is possible.

The truth is, we will miss our loved ones. It’s especially difficult if their death was abrupt. Then in addition to the loss we are dealing with the unfairness of it all.

I’ve heard it said, “So and so would not want you to be sad, they would want you to enjoy your life.”

And that’s probably true, but there is also something called survivor guilt. It’s when we feel guilty because we are here and our loved ones are gone. There’s this part of us that feels if we enjoy our lives maybe it means we didn’t value them. That we didn’t love them.

That is NOT true. My decision to enjoy my life does not translate into my not caring about my lost loved one.

Sometimes people who are grieving find doing the traditional celebrating too hard. So instead, they opt for a different kind of celebration. That’s fine.

Others find there is something calming about keeping the traditions going even though they do feel fractured. There isn’t just one way, you have to find what works for you.

Years ago I was given a copy of a booklet entitled “Handling the Holidays.” It is a compilation of true stories and practical choices written and complied by Bruce H. Conley & Karen L. Howard by Conley Outreach Publications. In it are many helpful suggestions. You can go to their website www.conleypublications.com where you’ll find other resources as well.

I know of people who travel when the holidays come creating new memories for faded ones. Whatever works.

One helpful thing I’ve found is giving myself permission to feel what I feel. If I’m in a nostalgic mood and want to reminisce about days gone by with everyone there, then that’s what I do. I allow myself to be human. This works so much better than trying to suppress my sadness when it starts to come. Our feelings grow when we refuse to acknowledge them, they don’t just go away.

I miss the loved ones I’ve lost. That’s the truth.

Holidays are the loneliest times for some people who are just “hanging on,” hoping to make it through another one.

If you are grieving, one thing you can do around the holidays is pick something your loved one liked to do and do it with someone else in their memory. Something like shopping or enjoying a cup of tea in a special place. A friend of mine will make her relative’s favorite meal for Christmas.

It’s important to be kind to yourself. If a particular day will be difficult then try to ease up on other things. Grieving takes a lot of energy and can deplete us. So try and do something that gives you energy.

The holidays are sometimes hard, but there are things you can do to make them more enjoyable. And as the years pass by, you’ll see they start to get a little easier.

I remember when I made the conscious decision to lighten my load. I was grieving a great loss, but I was still making myself do all the things I had done in the past, like baking and shopping. Finally, I read how grieving takes our energy and I realized I was making everything harder. The article suggested simplifying things, doing the essentials and a couple of things I chose to do.

I felt a burden lifted. That year I didn’t bake a ton of cookies, the shopping was shared as well as the decorating. And I found it really helped. Was I sad? Yes, but I was still able to have a really nice Christmas and reserve some energy.

When people lose their loved ones they are left with empty chairs. I pray even with your empty chairs you will have a holiday season that’s full of warmth and love surrounded by those you love.

Silent Night; All Is Calm, All Is Bright

 By Pamela Chapman

Stop. Take a deep breath and a break from all the hustle and bustle of this wonderful holiday season and count with me. Let’s start with one and count slowly to ten, taking a deep breath between each number. There, that’s better.

Silent night, holy night

All is calm, all is bright

Round yon virgin mother and child

Holy infant, so tender and mild

Sleep in heavenly peace

Sleep in heavenly peace

There is no song that touches my heart more during the Christmas season than “Silent Night.” It conjures up such images of peace—not just peace due to circumstances, but a peace of mind that passes all understanding, a peace that is there in spite of challenges and conditions.

In the story of Christmas, every inn was full.  There was no room for the mother of Christ to deliver her baby. Yet, she carried deliverance. She found herself in a manger—a stinky, dirty, filthy manger. But in spite of her circumstances, it was here where she delivered New Beginnings and New Origins. It was here where she birthed hope. It was in the most depraved and degrading conditions that the Savior came forth: He who is deliverer and preserver of life and breath of all things.

We as women so often endure appalling circumstances; but quite often, out of those stinky, dirty, and painfully degrading conditions, there is a birthing or a rebirthing.  A gift, a talent, and even a purpose come forth in us. Many times there is deliverance not only for us but for humankind. Out of violent acts, laws are created and bills passed. From unfairness and disparity, political movements are started and justice is made to prevail. Silent Night, Holy Night—it’s a time of new beginnings, new hope, and new faith. Yes, it’s a time of deliverance.

I’d like to share some words with you that I shared last year at this time in iAscend’s Esteem-zine. May I share with you first as a friend and then as a self-esteem and life-transition coach? There is no answer outside of you, and no one can lead you and set your path for you or tell you where to go. Every answer to every question lies within. No matter what you’re facing, no matter how challenging the circumstances, there is hope. There is no secret to the greatness that lies within; there is only the question of how to tap into that which has been hidden. Now is the Time for the Awakening in you.

Are you still taking those deep, slow breaths? I speak peace, blessings, and love into the lives of those who read this message this holiday season. May the God and Creator whom I believe in and trust touch your life in ways you have never been touched. May the gift(s) in you be stirred. May any wall of judgment, condemnation, doubt, and fear come down in your life today. May all that your hands touch increase. May your self-esteem and self-worth enlarge a hundredfold, no matter where you’re starting. May your greatness be empowered now, and may the year and season of now be one that is filled with love, liberty, and life more abundant. May you embrace the wind of 2010 and make it yours! May all fear, doubt, hurt, and pain cease in you and your family’s life today. May you not give up or give in, and may the goodness, grace, and mercy of 2010 cause you to win.

             

Wishing you a Merry Christmas, a happy holiday, and a Silent Night.

In love, light, and healing,

Pamela

Pamela Chapman is an author, teacher, and certified self-esteem and life-transition expert. She is the founder of iAscend Programs, LLC. Pamela teaches women how to get through the challenging and stressful times in their lives while building and nurturing their self-esteem. She works with women who are ready to break free of their perceived limitations, maximize their potential, and realize their true purpose. Click here for more information about Pamela and iAscend.

CHRISTMAS TIME = LOTS 'O CRIME

By Michelle Simonsen, true crime writer and victim's rights advocate

Tis the season to be jolly? Not everyone.

Crime rates soar during the winter months, specifically the holiday season. Each year criminals get more ingenious and with the current recession and high unemployment rates, people have become more desperate than usual.

Some of these safety tips are no brainers, but with the hustle and bustle and craziness of the holidays, you’d be surprised how many people become preoccupied and throw caution to the wind.

Criminals and con artists aren’t going away, but you don’t have to be a victim:

• Avoid carrying cash when shopping. Use a credit or debit card instead. There are people who have mastered the art of pick pocketing. Once your cash is stolen, it’s gone for good. At least with a credit or debit card, you have recourse. If you must carry cash, do not store it in your purse or back pocket. Keep it in your front pocket.

• When shopping, never leave your purse open or unattended, even for one second. It takes less than a second to be robbed.

• Always know where your nearest exit is. Remember the 2007 mall shooting in Omaha that left nine dead? The odds of this occurring are rare, but wouldn’t you rather be safer than sorry?

• Never use your remote keyless entry to locate your car. A perpetrator’s playground is a parking lot. You don’t want them knowing where your car is, or which direction you are headed.

• Keep everything in your car out of sight. Remove your Ipod, cell phone, CDs, etc., from plain view. Always put your purchases and any other valuables in your trunk.

• Once you are in your vehicle, immediately lock your doors. Do not linger around talking on your phone, text messaging, or rummaging through your purse and belongings. Your distraction becomes their moment of opportunity.

• Use only well lit parking lots and if possible, refrain from using parking garages.

• Avoid wearing showy jewelry or any other similar items of value.

• Shop with a friend. A criminal is less likely to target you if you are not alone. There is truth to the old saying, "safety in numbers".

• BOTTOM LINE: PAY ATTENTION! We are all multi-tasking and distracted this time of year. It's easy to get caught up and forget to listen and watch what is going on around us. Defense is the best offense to crime.

BE SAFE AND ENJOY YOURSELF!

Michelle Simonsen is a victim's rights advocate, crime analyst and blogger for "Michelle Says So", founder of the grassroots consumer boycott, "Boycott Aruba--Justice for Natalee Holloway", an advisory board member of "Survivors in Action", and is a contributing writer for "Now Public", and "True Crime Talk".

A Day of Thanksgiving: Oh My Soul I Still Give Thanks

By Pamela Chapman


As I pondered upon what message or thought I would share for my next piece, at first I thought about continuing with my last contribution. I thought I’d share some information to help move you forward using journaling. We will still delve into that subject but since we are in the Thanksgiving season, I am inspired to go there instead.


While there may be some controversy around what Thanksgiving Day is and what it represents, I believe our history books are consistent in this. Those who settled in the Plymouth Colony were not entrepreneurs like those who settled in Jamestown. They were those who were fleeing religious persecution and seeking a place to worship as they saw fit. Many of the events and traditions surrounding Plymouth Colony have become part of American history including Thanksgiving, hence Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks and express gratitude in general.


Thanksgiving ushers in the holidays and for many of us, myself included, it brings haunting memories. Many of us are grieving. I need not list what I believe that grieving might be. Unfortunately, many of us have a difficult time finding anything to give thanks for or celebrate about this time of year.


Please do not take this as me being some expert telling you what you have to do and what you should do. I have suffered much grief and much pain in my fifty plus years of living. I’ve cried enough tears for several oceans let alone rivers. I still cry. Often time, now, my tears are tears of refreshing. I cry tears that represent my “how I got over,” and my tears often represent tears of thanksgiving. However, I still cry intercessory tears.


Even as I write this piece, I cry. I cry for the woman who has lost her child due to some lost soul not seeing her baby as the precious jewel they are and will always be. I cry for the parents and siblings who don’t know where there loved ones are today and there is no closure. I even cry for the soul who is so confused, full of hate and turmoil that must harm others in order to feel fulfilled. I cry for the nation who cannot see their children and women as jewels and treasures who should be cherished and protected. I cry for the nations who believe human beings should be sold and bought like commodities. However, in spite of it all, I still give thanks.


I give thanks that today I opened my eyes and took a new breath. I give thanks because today I know that the Universe sends new mercy. I give thanks because I have a roof over my head and food in the refrigerator. I give thanks because I have an eight-six-year old mother who last year this time wasn’t expected to live. I give thanks that I have a handsome son, beautiful daughter-in-law and five incredibly beautiful grandchildren who are driving my son crazy paying him back for all the times he drove me crazy. I give thanks that in spite of what my son has come through and what I have come through we still have our wits about us, our self-confidence and our self-worth.


No, it didn’t come without some realigning, but I am thankful and we are moving on. I give thanks that in spite of all the challenges this great nation faces, I can still open my laptop this morning and freely express what my heart wants to say to you today. I give thanks to all Supreme Intelligence and all Powerful Creator who has sent me to love and to heal and to be a light amongst the lights. I give thanks that you, the amazingly and wonderfully made, are in and part of my life. I am thankful for You, your love and your complete healing.


Oh my soul, I still give thanks.




In Love & Light


Pamela Chapman, CTACC, CDVS
Self-Esteem and Life-Transition Expert, Teacher, Author

"The House on Gilmore Street"

By Susan Murphy Milano

The front lawn of the house was filled with autumn leaves. The windows were covered with handmade decorations the children made of pumpkins, turkeys, indian's and pilgrams. For the two young boys who once lived in the house on Gilmore street, fall was their favorite time of year. The boys ages 9 and 7 loved to roll around and play in the leaves before it was time to rake them up and fill the trash bags. They also knew the holidays were drawing near. Thanksgiving couldn't come fast enough because they knew Christmas was not far behind and for the boys that meant Santa Claus and lots of presents under the tree.

But things would be very different this year. The house on Gilmore street was not decorated and the autum leaves, undisturbed, except when a wind came to blow and scatter them to a different spot on the lawn. The house even as I drove past was different, dark with one large silver trash can sitting at the base of the driveway instead of the usual three filled to its' brim waiting for its scheduled pick-up on garbage day. There were no decorations on the windows and the only light you could see was at the far end of the house.

This will be the first of many holidays without her two boys, Jack and Duncan for their mother, Amy Lichtenberg. Their lives were taken away abruptly by a mans anger and rage. In the aftermath of a heated and contested divorce, the boys father during a court order visitation would, under protest, from Amy for the boys safety, be under a judge's order to allow unsupervised weekend visits.


The last time Amy saw her two boys alive, that motherly instinct took over and she knew something was not right. The father of the boys was acting strange when they met at the police station for the exchange of Jack and Duncan. Amy refused to hand over her boys on March 7, 2009, an officer threatened her if she didn't give them to their father, she would be arrested for not complying with a judge's according to her lawyer.

Remarkably, Amy Leichtenberg, under the circumstances is doing fairly well for a mother who just lost her entire world. When she and I talk she says " I will not let that monster who destroyed my life, win. That's what he wanted you know, (she says with great conviction) , he thought without my kids I would wither and die. Well I hope he is rotting in hell someplace for what he did and I am going to make each day on earth count, for my kids. For other parents so they won''t have to endure what I have. I am going to get laws past so that a person who is not mentally stable like their father was, has no access to children. The same way a predator is dealt within the justice system and denyed contact with children."

In an hour long radio interview back in September, Amy provided hope, strength and determination for those facing difficult custody battles with the court system. Frankly, I had a difficult time remaining composed as I asked very personal and painful questions of a mother whom had lost her children just a few short months before the interview.

The house on Gilmore street will never again hear the laughter of children. A mother will never wait in the kitchen as the kids run in after school only to run out again and play before it gets dark. This mother will never prepare another favorite meal of macaroni and cheese let alone a holiday feast. Those days are gone. The lights that once burned brightly from within this house, are now but a memory.

I thought it would be a nice idea if people reading this could take a moment and send an inspiring email or words of comfort to this remarkable mother, who needs for all of us to keep her in our daily prayers. Emails to Amy can be sent to our address here: timesupblog@gmail.com and we will forward them on to her.


Interview with Amy Leichtenberg