Today’s Kids Are Tomorrow’s Future

 By Gaetane Borders

I know it’s a bit early to talk about this.  But before you know it, November will be upon us.  Did you know that November is National Adoption month here in the United States.  Although this cause is important everyday of the year, this is the month set aside to raise awareness about the adoption of children and youth from foster care.  Years ago, I worked as the Clinical Director of a foster care agency.  Most days I felt overwhelmed about the swelling numbers of children for which I had to find appropriate foster homes.  At times it felt like there were not enough people willing to open up their homes to children in need.  I soon burned out, and left to make an impact in the lives of children in a different way.  Yet, looking at the recent statistics, nothing has changed. 

Currently, there are over 510,00 children in the foster care system.  While blacks account for 15% of U.S. children, they make up 32% of those in foster care, according to a May 2008 report by the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, a private research group.  Other reports suggest that black children in foster care, especially older ones, are less likely than white ones to be adopted. Reports also suggest that Caucasian children in foster care are four times more likely to be reunified with their families than black children.  This means that the majority of African American children will remain in foster care unless they are adopted by a loving family.

To address these statistics, a new federally funded ad campaign is looking to get more black foster children adopted.  Television commercials will feature black parents and children in settings such as parks and schools. Similar ads will appear on radio and in newspaper.  The ads were developed by the Advertising Council, which produces public service announcements and AdoptUsKids, a non-profit that helps connect foster children with adoptive families.  This is the first time African-Americans have been targeted, according to project officials.

The theme for adoption month this year is, "You don't have to be perfect to be a perfect parent." I would certainly agree with this motto.  I would add, however, that although you don’t have to be perfect, you have to be willing to help a child heal.  Entering foster care and being removed from your parents’ custody is incredibly traumatic for children.  This, I assume, is why so many people choose to adopt infants, as they assume that babies will not be cognizant of the separation.  Yet, teens and younger adolescents are in desperate need of loving homes as well.  So, I encourage those who are thinking if adopting to be open-minded!

Knowing how to maneuver the adoption system can be daunting.  However, here are some tips on the steps you will need to take if you choose to embark on this fulfilling journey:

ü  Make a Plan.  One of the most significant steps you will take is to establish your general attitudes and philosophies about adoption.

ü  Search for an agency in your area. Agencies typically offer free informational meetings on the type of adoption placements they offer.

ü  Complete a Home Study.  Once you apply to adopt a child, the laws of all states require that you undergo a homestudy. Homestudies are conducted to evaluate your desire and commitment to adopt, to explore the reasons why you want to adopt, to evaluate you as a prospective parent, and to provide education about adoption.

ü  Finding a child.  Once the home study is completed, you are ready to begin the placement process — the time when a specific child is identified for your family.

Deciding to adopt a child is certainly a big decision, and one that requires much introspection.  You may find that you have a desire to open your home to a child who needs one.  AND…you will likely discover that it is that child that brings happiness into your home! 

Happy Parenting,

Gaétane F. Borders, Ed.S.

President, Peas In Their Pods

Gaétane is a certified School Psychologist who works closely with the inner-city youth and their parents.  She is an advocate of children’s rights and strives to help parent achieve healthy, harmonious, and emotionally stable environments for their children.  Her blog, The Parenting Pundit, offers an open and honest view of parenting.   In addition, as President of Peas Gaétane helps to spread awareness about the epidemic of missing children in the African American community.

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What Would You Do?

By: Gaétane F. Borders 

Here in the state of Georgia, most kids have traded in their swimsuits for backpacks and new sneakers because it is back-to-school time. Despite this reminder that the summer has officially come to an end, I am still vacuuming sand from the carpet in my car. See, my family spent most of the summer lounging and playing on various beaches. As a non-swimmer (Yes, I know it’s pathetic), I have always been extremely…I mean über paranoid of my children swimming out of my reach in the ocean. That is why the story of Charles Ostrander immediately caught my attention.

Charles, who goes by Dale, was visiting Long Beach, Washington with a church group a few days ago. Somehow he got caught in a very strong tide. Upon hearing his cries for help, a 12-year-old girl named Nicole Kissel defied her father’s objections and immediately paddled out to Dale who struggled to stay afloat. She managed to reach him, and helped him onto her boogie board. Reportedly, the two youths paddled in an attempt to reach shore. The water was extremely rough, and Nicole remembers thinking "We're going to die. I can't die like this!”

A large wave knocked them both off. Although Nicole successfully climbed back on her board, Dale disappeared into the violent waters. Nicole eventually made it back to shore, but it took some time before rescue workers found Dale’s lifeless body about two feet below the surface of the water. CPR was immediately commenced, but Dale was lifeless. As imagined, his family braced themselves for the worst. But, his pulse returned once he reached the hospital, and a day later Dale opened his eyes. He soon uttered a few words to his family. Then, again later when Nicole visited him, he spoke. According to news reports, Nicole stated that Dale was having difficulty focusing his eyes for most of the 15-minute reunion. But as she left, he made direct eye contact for the first time and said, "Thank you."

No doubt, Dale has a long recovery ahead of him, as he was underwater and without oxygen for approximately 15 minutes. I wish him the speediest recovery, and given how he has defied the expected…he most definitely has the fighter spirit needed to do so.

Nicole’s actions were so completely selfless and heroic! She acted without hesitation because she saw that someone needed help. She can serve as an inspiration to those of us who stand in the background when we witness something that we know is wrong, or when we know that someone is in harm’s way. Here is clip from the popular TV show titled What Would You Do. This particular segment shows various scenarios in which a pedophile attempts to lure away a 10-year-old girl. Do you think all the adults present intervened and reported the attempted abduction? Watch and see…..then ask yourself “What would I do?”

P.S….. I often role play with my kids and pretend to be the “tricky adult.” But, I watched this video with them so they could see someone other than mommy or daddy being the “stranger” that tries to lure them. Their reaction was very moving to me. They were fixated on the characters that tried to harm the young girl because it made it very real to them. The discussion that we had after viewing the video was so very instructional and important. So, I strongly urge you to share this with your school-aged child. You might be surprised by their definition of the word stranger.


Gaetane




Gaétane F. Borders is President of Peas In Their Pods, and is also a certified School Psychologist who works closely with the inner-city youth and their parents. She is an advocate of children’s rights and strives to help parent achieve healthy, harmonious, and emotionally stable environments for their children. She is a sought after media consultant, and is often featured in print, radio, and television.

Know the Facts About Who IS Lurking On the Internet…for Your Kids Sake

We are learning every day of more and more kids who are on Facebook and other social media sites are ideal prey for predators. Every parent, adult and child must be educated about internet safety. Please read, digest and share the following information with your loved ones and others. You never know how many lives you may touch today.

After tossing her books on the sofa, she decided to grab a snack and get on-line. She logged on under her screen name ByAngel213. She checked her Buddy List and saw GoTo123 was on. She sent him an instant message:

ByAngel213:

Hi. I’m glad you are on! I thought someone was following me home today. It was really weird!

GoTo123:

LOL You watch too much TV. Why would someone be following you? Don’t you live in a safe neighborhood?

ByAngel213:

Of course I do. LOL I guess it was my imagination cuz’ I didn’t see anybody when I looked out.

GoTo123:

Unless you gave your name out on-line. You haven’t done that have you?

ByAngel213:

Of course not. I’m not stupid you know.

GoTo123:

Did you have a softball game after school today?

ByAngel213:

Yes, and we won!!

GoTo123:

That’s great! Who did you play?

ByAngel213:

We played the Hornets. LOL. Their uniforms are so gross! They look like bees. LOL

GoTo123:

What is your team called?

ByAngel213:

We are the Canton Cats. We have tiger paws on our uniforms. They are really cool.

GoTo123:

Did you pitch?

ByAngel213:

No, I play second base. I got to go. My homework has to be done before my parents get home. I don’t want them mad at me. Bye!

GoTo123:

Catch you later. Bye

Meanwhile, GoTo123 went to the member menu and began to search for her profile. When it came up, he highlighted it and printed it out. He took out a pen and began to write down what he knew about Angel so far.

Her name: Shannon

Birthday: Jan. 3, 1985

Age: 13

State where she lived: North Carolina

Hobbies: softball, chorus, skating and going to the mall. Besides this information, he knew she lived in Canton because she had just told him. He knew she stayed by herself until 6:30 p.m. every afternoon until her parents came home from work. He knew she played softball on Thursday afternoons on the school team, and the team was named the Canton Cats. Her favorite number 7 was printed on her jersey. He knew she was in the eighth grade at the Canton Junior High School. She had told him all this in the conversations they had on-line. He had enough information to find her now.

Shannon didn’t tell her parents about the incident on the way home from the ballpark that day. She didn’t want them to make a scene and stop her from walking home from the softball games. Parents were always overreacting and hers were the worst. It made her wish she was not an only child. Maybe if she had brothers and sisters, her parents wouldn’t be so overprotective.

By Thursday, Shannon had forgotten about the footsteps following her.

Her game was in full swing when suddenly she felt someone staring at her. It was then that the memory came back. She glanced up from her second base position to see a man watching her closely.

He was leaning against the fence behind first base and he smiled when she looked at him. He didn’t look scary and she quickly dismissed the sudden fear she had felt.

After the game, he sat on a bleacher while she talked to the coach. She noticed his smile once again as she walked past him.. He nodded and she smiled back. He noticed her name on the back of her shirt. He knew he had found her.

Quietly, he walked a safe distance behind her. It was only a few blocks to Shannon’s home, and once he saw where she lived he quickly returned to the park to get his car.

Now he had to wait. He decided to get a bite to eat until the time came to go to Shannon’s house. He drove to a fast food restaurant and sat there until time to make his move.

Shannon was in her room later that evening when she heard voices in the living room.

“Shannon, come here,” her father called. He sounded upset and she couldn’t imagine why. She went into the room to see the man from the ballpark sitting on the sofa.

“Sit down,” her father began, “this man has just told us a most interesting story about you.”

Shannon sat back. How could he tell her parents anything? She had never seen him before today!

“Do you know who I am, Shannon?” the man asked.

“No,” Shannon answered.

“I am a police officer and your online friend, GoTo123.”

Shannon was stunned. “That’s impossible! GoTo123 is a kid my age! He’s 14. And he lives in Michigan!”

The man smiled. “I know I told you all that, but it wasn’t true. You see, Shannon, there are people on-line who pretend to be kids; I was one of them. But while others do it to injure kids and hurt them, I belong to a group of parents who do it to protect kids from predators. I came here to find you to teach you how dangerous it is to talk to people on-line. You told me enough about yourself to make it easy for me to find you. You named the school you went to, the name of your ball team and the position you played. The number and name on your jersey just made finding you a breeze.”

Shannon was stunned. “You mean you don’t live in Michigan?”

He shook his head. “No, I live in Raleigh. It made you feel safe to think I was so far away, didn’t it?”

She nodded.

“I had a friend whose daughter was like you. Only she wasn’t as lucky. The guy found her, did bad things to her and then murdered her while she was home alone. Kids are taught not to tell anyone when they are alone, yet they do it all the time on-line. The wrong people trick you into giving out information a little here and there on-line. Before you know it, you have told them enough for them to find you without even realizing you have done it. I hope you’ve learned a lesson from this and won’t do it again. And, please tell others about this so they will be safe too, okay?”

“It’s a promise!”

That night Shannon and her Dad and Mom thanked God for protecting Shannon from what could have been a tragic situation.

Take care and STAY SAFE!

Personal Safety Expert and Child Abuse Prevention Specialist
Anny is the President of The Realistic Female Self-Defense Company and Project Safe Girls

Anny received her PDR (Personal Defense Readiness) Instructor Certification in 2008. Anny is also a Child Abuse Authorized Facilitator and Prevention Specialist who trains adults to prevent, recognize and react responsibility to child sexual abuse through Darkness to Light's Stewards of Children certification program.

Remember Your Children are Watching You

By Lavinia Masters

What kind of behavior do you display around your children? What is acceptable for them to see?

Not just on television or on the radio but what do they see you do at home?

Do you allow your children to see you showing appropriate affection towards others or affection that they are too young to understand but are able to imitate.

Do you allow your children to see you act out as if it you were participating in some drama scene when you become upset with others...remember your children look up to you and nine times out of ten whatever they see their parents do...in their minds it appears acceptable...and they can use it against you.

I remember an instance where a parent was a childhood victim of sexual abuse and never really got closure from it. Her daughter would watch her as she would get so upset about it and cry to others on the phone about it yet never explained to her daughter what she was going through. However she never realized that her child was watching and soon discovered that this was a "trigger" point for her mother in her life.

So one day the little girl got into trouble at school and knew that her mother would punish her and in an effort to save the anger of her mother she told her mother that the teacher "touched" her inappropriately.

Well you can only imagine what happened next...not only did she stir up those conflicting emotions in her mother but her plot to flip the anger worked. Later it was discovered that the little girl had lied on her teacher and the mother was devastated and wanted to know why did she make up such a story!

Long lesson short...the little girl had watch her mother basically become unglued when it came to her talking about her childhood sexual abuse...and the child knew that this would throw her into a "frenzy" if she said that someone committed this barbaric act to her.

I later shared with the mother that children learn the majority of things from home and their parents and we have to be careful not only what we say but what we do around our children. We are a silent video and they are the audience. They take in and absorb everything we say or do...whether negative or positive.
Furthermore if you are suffering from things such as the trauma that childhood sexual abuse brings then we should seek some sort of counseling or help and talk about such things with our children to help or prevent these acts from happening to them.

So next time you curse out your neighbor, light up that cigarette, talk about your friend behind their backs, take something that does not belong to you, or act out uncontrollably when you have been a victim of a past circumstance....remember your children are watching.

Lavinia Masters is the Founder of S.A.V.E. Ministry and is an outspoken speaker and advocate for sexual abuse victims. 

Healing Through "Art From My Heart"

By Rae Luskin

April is Child Abuse Awareness Month.1-4 girls and 1-6 boys will be abused by the time they are 18. Many abuse victims suffer the violation in silence, either blaming themselves or being afraid no one will believe them. The survivors of childhood sexual abuse experience a high rate of physical problems, mental health issues and social problems. They suffer from guilt, shame and low self esteem. The emotional and physical consequences can last for a lifetime.

The majority of childhood sexual abuse cases go unreported. It is estimated that there are 39 million survivors in the United States. It is estimated that 30% of survivors never tell anyone. We have to ask ourselves why children don’t tell.

1. Children are not sure who to tell. What if one of the parents is the abuser, what if mom is sick or one of the parents is dead.

2. No chance to be alone to tell

3. Caregivers do not listen

4. Parents discourage conversations about sex

5. Oftentimes children do not know what to say: they are too young or they have no words to describe it.

6. Abuser tells them; no one will believe you, you will be taken away from your family; you will never see your parents, friends or siblings again. No one will love you or marry you.

7. Abusers threaten to kill their family, their pet or themselves.

8. Children worry that if they really knew me their friends and family will reject them. They will think “I am disgusting, broken or dirty”.

9. Children worry that their parents will feel guilty if they could not protect them; other people will blame their parents.

10. Fear the abuser will be put in prison; will get hurt or killed.

11. Children may think what is the point, nothing will change or it will only make it worse. For instance, Laurie was about 12 when she told her mother that her brother was molesting her and her mother said “it is your problem handle it.” So Laurie lived with a chair under her door until she could leave home.

12. At first a child may be confused. They may ask themselves: Is it really happening? Is it wrong? They may think this is normal. They may believe they are only one experiencing this. They believe they deserved it, it was their fault they did something that caused this or they are being punished for something they did. Finally, they are ashamed to admit they enjoyed the sexual stimulation or they loved the affection, warmth and attention.

So now the question becomes what we can do as an individual, a friend or family member to encourage children and adult survivors to come forward and share their secret.

Educate your children about appropriate sexual behavior and what constitutes unwanted or uncomfortable physical contact. Tell them that it is always safe for them to come to you. You will believe them. Help children practice responses to potentially dangerous situations. Tell them they have a right to decide how and when anyone can touch them.

You can help the adult in your life. Do not say it is in the past get over it. Do not scold or shame them. Do not suggest it was their fault. Instead listen with compassion, validate their pain and remember they need to work at their own pace. It could take a year or it could take 40 years. You need to create a climate that is safe for them to take the journey.

Finally, Challenge the media or advertising when they sexualize children! Support legislation that mandates we teach safe touch in schools! Ask what policies and protocols are in place at school, work or your religious institution! If you suspect abuse you must report it! Tell the doctor, the police, call your local protection agency or 1 800 25 ABUSE, the National Child Abuse Hotline.

If you want to share your story/secret I encourage you to join my challenge. Transform Abuse One Story at a Time. In the next year I want 100,000 courageous men and women to share their truth through creative expression; it can be a poem, a story, a piece of art, music or dance. By sharing your story you can take back your power. Break free of guilt and shame. Release the negative voices in your head. Connect with others in an authentic way.

If you are looking for a loving and supportive mentor who has walked this dark and scary path herself as a guide; apply for a free discovery session. You do not need to be an artist. No creative experience is necessary, only a willingness to play, explore and experiment. Apply at www.thehealedheart.com. 

The Essence of Who I Am 

You hurt my soul, you broke my heart 

I curled up into myself and became small and insignificant 

I was sure I was unlovable, defective and unworthy 

Afraid of my secret shame, 

My cry for help a mere whisper 

Till I found my voice 

SCRIBBLE THE PAIN, DRAW OUT THE HURT, COLLAGE THE FEAR, DANCE THE ANGER, JOURNAL THE SADNESS, TELL MY STORY 

Transformation, a healed heart 

I am enough, I am loveable, I am whole and complete 

I am strong and courageous 

I take a stand and boldly declare 

I am a magnificent living work of art 

A creation song of love, joy and possibility 

Rae Luskin is an artist, teacher, author and community activist and a sexual abuse survivor. She is available for speaking and workshops. Find out more at www.raeluskin.net. Special price for ART FOR MY HEART now $16 plus shipping.

Protecting Our Kids At All Costs

By: Gaétane F. Borders, Ed.S., ABD

I recently attended a 5k walk to honor the memory of Shaniya Davis, a little girl who was murdered by a pedophile after her mother sold her to him.  It’s a story that touched the hearts of so many around the world and garnered a significant amount of news media.  However, it has been a year since her tragedy and the television stations are no longer covering her story.  The newspapers and magazines no longer have her beautiful face as the cover image.  And many people have forgotten how they felt the first time they heard of her sadistic and gruesome murder.  Part of the reason for this is likely because people do not believe that something like this could ever happen to their family.

The sad truth is that sexual abuse and sexual exploitation is far more frequent than most acknowledge.  While Shaniya’s reported pedophile was not known to her, most individuals who molest children are known to them.  They are very slick and manipulative in their approach. They "groom" the child into thinking that they are trustworthy, and gradually involve children in inappropriate acts. Later they often threaten to harm the child or their family members if they do disclose. Victimized children often won't tell because they are afraid that they will not be believed, or feel guilty that they may have, in some way, been responsible for the abuse. Now, all of this is compounded with the fact that more often than not, it is a parent who is committing the abuse. In this case, a child may not want to tattle.

So what can you do as a parent? Be attuned to any changes in your child's behavior because this will tell you a lot! Young children will often regress by wetting the bed, sucking their fingers, or not eating. Elementary school age kids often demonstrate excessive fear of certain people, masturbate excessively, have nightmares, or will withdraw from people. In the teen years, kids may become promiscuous, experiment with drugs, be depressed, and may also have suicidal thoughts. You should be concerned if you see any of these behaviors, and begin asking questions.  Also equally important is to understand that not everyone should be trusted with or around your children…whether or not they are related to you.  When it comes to your child, you should only trust a few people…and even still, watch like a hawk to ensure their safety.

If your son or daughter tells you that they have been abused, BELIEVE THEM! It is extremely rare for a child to lie about this. Keep in mind that the way that you react to this will help determine how your child will heal. Tell them that you are proud that they had the courage to tell you, and that it was not their fault. They really do need to hear this! In addition, make sure that they receive counseling to address their trauma because it will have life long ramifications if not treated.

If you were abused, and are finding it difficult to find inner peace... just remember that you do not have to let your trauma define who you are. Despite what happened to you, it is possible to live and love without pain. Your healing process may be difficult, but happiness is attainable.

Sincerely,

Gaétane F. Borders, Ed.S., ABD                                  

Empowerment for the Next Generation

By Lyn Twyman 

A quote from John F. Kennedy goes "We have the power to make this the best generation of mankind in the history of the world or to make it the last ". The future of our families and our country lies in our young people. We want our children to succeed. We want our young people to outlive us and become successful in every aspect of their lives. When it comes to protecting our young people and their hearts, not just in regard to love but their entire being, they are truly fragile. Remember when you were little how you looked for approval from your mom or dad, maybe an older brother or sister, or someone that you looked up to for things like a stick figure drawing you created, a mud pie or even the first level you beat in a Nintendo game? Our young people seek our approval which makes them budding sources of energy and change but also very vulnerable to bad influences.

If we want our young people to succeed we have to plot out a path that demonstrates success. Plotting that path does not mean that we are loaded with tons of money, the first and best of electronics nor does it mean that we force them into a career just to satisfy our own desires. It simply means that we lead by example, good examples that we live by that they can follow. No matter what, we are all creatures of repetition.

Psychologists call the first 10 years of a child's life The Magic Years. That is when a child will learn and develop who he/she is and his character. Often the essence of an individual, their temperament, their drive, their motivation becomes set for the remainder of their life during The Magic Years, that crucial window of opportunity for learning, growth and development. The Magic Years for a child largely formulates from their environment. As people, we will emulate follow what we see and hear that goes on around us good or bad.

How do we help this next generation not fall prey to violence, victimization and unhealthy relationships or become abusive? What do we want to tell the next generation about empowerment? What does empowerment consist of? Empowerment consists of the same areas we talk with victims of domestic violence about when we are trying to help them rebuild their lives. These areas are self esteem, healthy relationships, mental health, physical health, finances, education, self defense and spiritual well being. These should also be the same areas we work with our young people on as well to not only keep them from becoming victims but to live well rounded lives, healthy lives. These areas are often missing by many parents, just brushed over or completely skipped to let the young person play their favorite Xbox game, spend the day at the mall with the kid from school they barely know or maybe to avoid some personal guilt. As parents and caregivers of young people, we must live and operate proactively, not reactively, and by example.

Helping to empower this next generation also means that we should educate ourselves and show our young people that we are not afraid to learn, not that we know everything. So if you lack skills in the financial area schedule sometime with your local bank representative to learn how to save an invest better. If you do not know self defense, sign up for a class that you and your young person can take together. If you come from a background where your family life was abusive, go to a family counselor or holistic therapist for a few sessions to get a better understanding of how your past affects you.

Helping to empower our young people means coming out of our shells and stepping out on a much greater plain, challenging our own selves and perhaps some of our own demons. It is not an easy path but a path worth taking if we are truly concerned about giving our young people the tools to succeed in the immediate and throughout the rest of their life. For many children, younger and older, the knowledge and wisdom you have to share in the 8 areas I previously mentioned could be life or death. There will always be children that fail but at the end of each day ask yourself these questions, "Did I lead by example? Did I do everything I could do?" Let that be your guide to see how well you are working to empower this next generation.

Chip StClair - Hero to all the “Children of the Secret”

By Cherry Simpson
As I began to read Chip St Clair’s book The Butterfly Garden I found I couldn’t put it down. It’s a story, you wish wasn’t true, about a little boy whose life was hell on earth. It’s a miracle Chip survives his life on the run with his neglectful, murderous monster of a father. He not only overcomes the pain, the sorrow, and the near death experiences, but Chip fights to put killer dad back in jail where he had escaped from, for the murder of a child. Chip then goes on to investigate this child killer. Was this monster, Michael Grant, really his father or had Chip been kidnapped? Chips birthday was August 1 it was also the day Michael D. Grant stomped, kicked and pummeled the two little Ingersol boys. Killing Scott age 3 and leaving Tommy age 5 barely clinging to life.

The book unfolds with murder and abuses so dark, the reader fears at any moment the child might be lost. I wanted to help him and I heard him say to me, “I have a terrible secret?”

In my mind’s eye I could see this little boy, with sad eyes and mousy brown hair, who would stand in a way that made him smaller. The pit of my stomach ached at every foul name thrown at him, when he was hit I flinched, I was afraid for him each time he hid and tears fell down my cheeks. But then I began to cheer for him as he escaped death; I was amazed at how courageously he went on.



Chip found relief by losing himself in reading, music and art. His favorite poem was Invictus by William Ernest Henley. Chip credits this poem as part of what saved him from drowning in Lake Michigan after his father had thrown him into the cold water abandoning him to drown. He was only ten years old and though he was a good swimmer at the local pool he’d never seen such deep dark swirling water. Yes, I was praying for him, even though I knew Chip is alive and well. I couldn’t help but thank God for saving this little boys life.

In a wonderful narrative voice Chip takes you into the life of an abused child beyond all imagination, escaping his childhood prison into his adult life, where he is Master of his fate and Captain of his soul.

In reading his book Chip St Clair has captured my heart and I now have the understanding of child abuse from the child’s perspective. Children innately love their parents and are confused when they abuse them - the children believe they have somehow caused their own abuse. Sadly at the cost of the child, many families do whatever it takes to preserve their "dirty little secret."

Chip now dedicates his life to helping abused and neglected children as founder and executive director of the St. Clair Butterfly Foundation that helps children heal through the creative arts and literature.

St. Clair is also director of the Michigan chapter of Justice for Children, where he has made tremendous strides in aiding children caught up in the nation's distressed child welfare system. He's worked on legislation with father turned advocate Marc Klaas and the Klaas Kids Foundation.

This summer put his book, The Butterfly Garden, on your list of must-reads. Make sure your library has it and the schoolteachers are aware of it. Become an abused child’s hero and help end the cycle of violence.


A video anthology of TV interviews by author and child abuse activist Chip St Clair, telling his remarkable story as background to his book, The Butterfly Garden (HCI Books)

Train Wreck

By Susan Murphy Milano

“Someday maybe there will exist a well-informed, well considered and yet fervent public conviction that the most deadly of all possible sins is the mutilation of a child’s spirit

-Erik H. Erikson

Anyone who believes that children are not affected by violence in the home is very mistaken.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing more terrifying than hearing your parents scream at each other in anger.

And that terror is magnified tenfold when you see your father, whom you love, beating, knocking, bashing, and kicking the mother you adore.
As a child, you want to make it stop; after rushing to your mother’s aid and getting knocked across the room yourself a few times, you learn to run away from the mayhem rather than toward it. Your feelings become confused, swirling between the fear of being hurt yourself and even worse, dread that your mother will be killed if you don’t make him stop. In the mind of a child they feel responsible for the destruction. “If I cannot make it stop then it must be my fault.”

The first time you experience it, the horror is unimaginable. Your whole warm, safe, comfortable world is exploding in front of your eyes. How can this be? Why is this happening?

The Peterson Children
This made me think of Chris and Thomas Peterson, the boys of Kathleen Savio . Her body was discovered “dead” shortly after ending a violent marriage, in a bathtub in 2004. Their father former police Sgt. Drew Peterson was arrested for her murder and he is currently being held in an Illinois jail until the trial.

Their lives are literally a train wreck. Not once, but twice. After Kathleen's death their father was quick to marry a girl close enough in age to be the boy’s sister. There was no time to process and grieve for their mother and it is likely their father, a stern task master, whom set the tone for what would and won’t be tolerated with their new step-mom Stacy Peterson. Imagine your mother dies and as a child you are commanded by someone whom you likely fear to "suck it up" and move on. The only difference in this abusive household the boys have experienced a triple dose of what I term "roller coaster hell" in an environment deeply rooted in power, control and violence.

The boys are young enough to bond with step-mom Stacy and old enough to have experienced loss, uncertainty, fear and tragedy. Stacy takes on the task of immediate motherhood with Kathleen's boys. She goes that extra mile preparing their favorite meals, being there when they come home from school to tucking them in each night. Slowly the boys begin to trust Stacy and after about a year as a family things settle down a bit. Although Stacy gives birth to a boy and a girl during the marriage she is always conscious of the boys and their feelings working overtime to build a solid foundation for Kathleen's boys Chris and Thomas.
Suddenly, the bright light in the Peterson home is once again burned out when Stacy Peterson vanishes.

Do these children re-live and witness the same horrors as when their mother was alive as the household begins to crumble? The answer is yes.

The boys have now experienced two life devastating train wrecks within a 5 year time period. During the following months the tension is so thick in the Peterson houselhold you could cut it with a knife. Their home is invaded by the media. Police presence both in and outside the home is omnipresent. Everyone in the country soon knows the name Peterson and its' association with something evil, violent and tragic.

The third train wreck happens when Drew Peterson is arrested. The boys are devastated. Regardless of what we may think of Peterson these young men only know him as their loving father. And after his arrest the boys are sent to live with relatives.

I hope and pray in the years ahead Chris and Thomas Peterson have the opportunity to experience joy, love, hope and most of all peace.

Focusing on Our Children

by Tanya T. Warrington

Children need help recovering from an abusive home. The issues of abuse are mind-bending and soul-numbing for adults—let alone children. Regardless of whether the children have been directly abused by one parent, or whether they witnessed one parent abuse another, their thinking about the world and themselves has changed. 

It is easy to assume that young children do not know about the abuse, but children know more about what is going on in a home than parents tend to think. When I left my abusive spouse I was amazed to learn when my seven year old daughter confessed hiding behind the couch listening to her father’s threats and wondering if she should call 9-1-1. It was a burden too big for a child’s small shoulders but it was her reality.

I, like most abuse survivors, thought that it imperative to remain married “for the children’s sake.” Divorce is traumatizing to kids and I wanted them spared from the ordeal. But while I hung on with all my strength to my unhealthy marriage my children were witnessing abuse and suffering direct abuse as well. Divorce is not more traumatizing than abuse.  Divorce is the beginning of hope for children who are suffering from abuse. It signals loud and clear that the abuse wasn't okay and that they will be protected from it. Divorce is challenging but it offers a chance for healing to begin in their lives. Ending the daily trauma of abuse allows them to process the abuse in a safe environment. It gives children the opportunity to experience a healthier way of life while they are still developing intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.

It is easy to provide an abuse-free home? No. It takes hard work. Abuse leaves its scars on how we think and behave. Abuse trauma is a cruel master that doesn’t let go of our emotions and thoughts without a fight. But it can be done. Healing from abuse takes commitment and a willingness to try new ways. Counseling for both the parent and the children helps the new family unit see, at a faster rate, what former family dynamics need to be changed. Play therapists, art therapists, and trained EMDR therapists can be especially helpful to children who are recovering from abuse. Do not assume that therapy is out of the question due to lack of money. Many churches, federal agencies, and individual counselors offer reduced price counseling for low income families.

There are other community resources that can assist families as well. In addition to individual counseling, my children and I fondly remember a parenting class offered by Lutheran Family Services. While I received instruction and could talk with other parents about my parenting challenges, my children played games and created art projects that were designed to raise their self-esteem and to teach positive family communication. Through the local domestic violence organization, my children had more fun play and craft time while I attended education classes and support group time. If you make healing from abuse a family priority, you will find organizations ready to help you and your children.

General advice for divorcing parents instructs divorcing parents to avoid putting children in the middle by keeping all comments about the other parent positive and showing a united parenting front. Very wise counsel. But, from experience, I also urge parents not to lie or cover up abuse experiences in an attempt to keep everything positive. A child can handle truthful answers stated in simple, direct ways better than they can handle more lies and denial.  It is enough, indeed, it is healing for the parent to keep her or his responses focused on the child’s needs. The child needs to know that they are finally safe and that the parent who removed them from abuse is dependable and trustworthy. 

I’ve found that keeping my tone of voice calm and empathetic helps the child to accept difficult truths.  The child will lead the process if you allow him or her. Let the child be the initiator of conversations about the other parent and then respond truthfully and graciously. For example, when the child wonders why his other parent was abusive, you can say, “I don’t know why. Something inside of him is broken.  No matter what we ever said or did, we could never fix him.” Then wait quietly to see what the child wants to say or ask next. If the child is pensive, you can gently ask something like, “Did it ever seem to you like if we could just be nicer or quieter that he wouldn’t have raged at us?” 

The goal is to help the child verbalize how they are looking at things and help reassure them. Children from non-abusive homes fear that divorce is somehow their fault. It is the same, but I believe even worse, for children who heard the other parent accusing them or their other parent of being the sole cause of his/her problems. You can’t change the past, but you can help your child to understand the past and free them to live a happier life in the present and in the future. You will navigate your way through many short, but very important, conversations, if you focus on responding to the child’s fears and other emotions (not on how you feel when they talk about the other parent).

The younger the child is at the time of the divorce, the more you will see him or her playing abuse scenarios. Let them play, as long as she/he is not injuring themselves or another. Play is a major processing tool. Understand that all play is not a precise re-creation of abuse. The emotions are real, the rest may mostly be imagination recreating and releasing painful emotions such as helplessness, anger, fear, sorrow, etc. And of course, some play is nothing more than play.

Being single and recovering from abuse is a huge load all by itself without adding any of the stress of helping children to recover too. I know. I’ve been there. When you feel overwhelmed, try focusing on the future rewards. Making healing a top priority for you and your children will change the futures of your children, grandchildren, and great grand children. Seek help. Don’t try to do it all alone. Build the life you’ve dreamed of—a life where family members respect one another, where problems are solved, and where both children and adults can enjoy life. The days of tip-toeing around an abusive person are ending for you and your children. Create fun family memories. Savor the preciousness of each of your children. Pursue healing. You and your children will be so glad that you did.