"The Wrong Kind of Love"

By Susan Murphy-Milano

At what cost to ourselves do we remain in a relationship? Likely this is not a question we ever ask ourselves. But, why not?

Could it be that in our lives we settle? Are we too embarrassed to admit when the individual we have chosen to spend our lives with is not who they were at the beginning of the relationship? The answer is yes.

The wrong kind of love includes emotional warfare. A destructive game played in a relationship when a person chips away at the very foundation of another individual. Emotional warfare is an invisible dagger to the heart. You don't see it coming when confronted. Below are some examples of :

Emotional Abuse

• Name calling: “you’re a bitch, a whore, fat, ugly, stupid, slut, trash”.
• You are constantly told that you are crazy, that you need a psychiatrist; they threaten to have you committed. They tell your children that you are crazy and make them believe that they are not safe with you. They hide personal items in an attempt to convince you or others that, “you are losing it.”
• They intentionally say things to embarrass you in front of others. They make remarks about your appearance or belittle you. They talk over you if you are engaged in conversation, or consistently contradict you in an effort to discredit you, or make you feel stupid.
• They ignore you when you have “been bad”, or do not do as you are told. They act like you are not in the room. You are made to feel that you are invisible.
• They withhold praise or affection. They make you feel that your mere presence disgusts them, that you are unattractive, and unworthy of them or anyone else.

• You are made to feel worthless, no good, and stupid. You are told you’re your opinions do not count, that you couldn’t possibly have anything to say that anyone would want to hear.
• You are made to feel that your past has no value; your childhood memories, your holiday traditions, your faith, and even your family. Regardless of your education, or your past experiences, your prior existence means nothing to them, and even the mention of it can illicit negative consequences.
• They accuse you of having affairs, lying, or conspiring against them.

Just because you are not physically hurt in your relationship does not mean you are free and clear. Emotional abuse can and does lead to intimate partner homicide. In many of the recent cases where women have gone missing and have yet to be found, they were never hit or beaten with fists. Instead, words, the same as you see above were their abusers weapons. When that no longer worked they went from words to action, silencing women and the mothers of their own children, forever.

You cannot fix or rescue these individuals. They are toxic and dangerous to any relationship.

Before you consider filing for a divorce or moving out, you better have a plan. He (the abuser) has one if you leave. And the last time I checked designer body bags were not considered a fashion statement.

Time's Up!

[Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is an expert on intimate partner violence and homicide crimes. For more information visit http://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/ She is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and wherever books are sold.

She is also part of the team at Management Resources Limited of New York.

Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on Here Women Talk http://www.herewomentalk.com/ and is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr. Laurie Roth http://www.therothshow.com/

Peggy Dianovsky: "Last Plea"

by Susan Murphy Milano

The heavy burden a missing person’s family lives with when their loved one has yet to be found in unimaginable. And in cases where law enforcement is outwitted by a psychopathic narcissist in a case of intimate partner violence leading to homicide, they're outmatched by with type of dangerous predator.

Publicly disarming, in every way because this type of predator is able to disguise any hint of being capable of carrying out a murder. The way a psychopathic narcissist presents themselves in dress, and discussion can fool the most skilled team of investigators working on a missing persons or possible homicide case. In my expert opinion, law enforcement is not trained to deal with these types of killers. And this is evidenced by cases in the news from the dismembering of Laura Ackerson from North Carolina, her body was discovered over the weekend to the recent case of missing mom Jacque Waller or Susan Powell missing since December 6, 2009, both women wanted out of the marriage. And their intimate partner predators granted their wish, by in my opinion, taking their lives.

An example of this type of predator is Robert Dianovsky whom maintained that his wife Peggy left their home voluntarily and took a bag of clothing with her when she vanished in September of 1982. Peggy Dianovsky left her yellow Chevrolet Nova behind and never picked up her last paycheck from her employer, Dominick's. Blood was found spattered at the top of the stairway in the Dianovsky home, but none of it was ever collected for analysis.

Robert took the boys and moved to Arizona sometime after 1982, he also filed for divorce claiming Peggy abandoned both he and the children. He was charged with Peggy's murder in 2003. Their three sons went to the police in 2002 after tape-recording a conversation with Robert where he made suspicious statement about Peggy's disappearance. One of the Dianovsky children claims he witnessed his mother's murder, and all three of them say they saw Robert abuse and threaten Peggy. They claim they repressed the memories of the incidents but recovered them in therapy sessions as adults. One of Robert's friends also testified that Robert asked him for a gun in 1982 to "get rid of" Peggy. And Robert claimed his wife was having an affair.

In all, six hours of audio were taped when Dianovsky's three sons confronted him and accused him of their mother's murder. The sons contend their father killed Peggy Dianovsky on Sept. 12, 1982, in their Schaumburg, Ill., home during a brutal beating.

On the tapes, the accused man says, "I hit her pretty good." He also admits to previously saying his wife would never get out of the marriage alive. Dianovsky also said that he cut off his wife's tennis clothes in a jealous rage, and that his grown sons can tell their kids, "Your dad did something to her."

The trial took place in Cook County, Illinois before a judge rather than a jury. Judge Robert Porter acquitted Robert after an eight-day trial in November 2004. He stated that Peggy probably had in fact been murdered after her disappearance, but there was insufficient evidence to prove that Robert did it.

I would have never heard about this case if it were not written about in the blog Mothers Are Vanishing. You see the world had all but forgotten Peggy Dianovsky with the exception of her sons, 2 brothers, Gus and sister Ann Peterson whom up until recently was a regular contributor now on hiatus here at Time’s Up. They kept hope alive in their hearts praying to God that she would be recovered from where she is hidden.

Now, sadly one light of hope is about to go dim as Peggy’s brother Gus has only a few weeks of life left. Diagnosed with terminal cancer, he will leave without having the one wish granted to him while still alive, to find his sister.

I surmise that once he is called home to be united with God, he will finally be reunited with his sister Peggy. I wish there was a way from him to send word on earth to the others holding the light of hope so that they each many finally have peace.

The only way for this to happen is for the only person with the answers to be a man and somehow get word to where Peggy Dianovsky can be found. Or perhaps the woman to whom he is currently married that is in my opinion, also the keeper of this dark secret.

I am making a plea to them both. Robert cannot be re-tried in the murder of Peggy. Perhaps God will take heed and show mercy on him when it is his time if he provides the information to the family.

Robert or his wife (also named Peggy) can call in a tip that cannot be traced back to them. All they have to do is contact the Schaumburg police department at 1-847-882-3586. Or they can email me at timesupforjustice@gmail.com and we can pass along the information.

Being cold and cowardly is one thing not honoring the wish of a dying man is as criminal as the life you took away.

******

If you are in a relationship that has a history of abuse or violence, simply mustering up the courage to confront the person and say it is over, without the proper tools, can cost you, your life!



The book "Time's Up A Guide on How To Survive and Abusive and Stalking Relationship" is the prescription that every person must obtain before they announce they are leaving. Below is an example from Chapter 4, one of many unique tools provided in the book. It is available onAmazon.com, or you can purchase via e-book or on a CD. If you have questions, the email address is: timesupforjustice@gmail.com

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is a specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies and high risk cases and available for personal consultations through the Institute.

Susan is the author of "Time's Up: A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," Moving out, Moving on, and Defending Out Lives. Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host on Crime Wire. And she is a homicide survivor, the daughter of a Chicago violent crimes detective who killed her mother before committing suicide.

Fair and Balanced News Coverage? I Don't Think So!

By Susan Murphy Milano

Last weekend Oscar winners Halle Berry and Jamie Foxx attended the Jenesse Center’s Silver Rose Gala in Beverly Hills, which works to help families who suffer from domestic violence. Unless you watched TMZ or access Hollywood on television you likely missed the fact that star power was working towards brining awareness to this national epidemic. The event did not appear on CNN , Fox News or any mainstream media.

As we know Intimate partner violence knows no bounds, and this includes those from the gay and lesbian community and men who are also victims. But the hard reality is that 98% of women in a stalking or domestic violence related relationship are the ones who are not only affected, but they are the gender with more headstones in grave yards than those that lost their lives during the Vietnam War.

“It’s important for everyone who has a voice, who has a chance to have global or national spotlight to use that voice for good,” said Halle Berry.

But I liked what Jamie Foxx said as he spoke on what he feels is a double standard in the way some men approach the issue, saying “A lot of times you see the split. You see people try to make excuses for guys’ behavior. And it’s not fair and it’s not right.” The actor nailed it.





We are seeing a double standard in the way the “country” approaches the issue from first responders, judges, the courts turning a deaf ear to the media who often writes what I term the “glorified killer” obituary. That’s when a media related article on the tragedy appears mentioning the person who was killed and goes on to write “what a great person or family man” this bozo was to slaughtered their loved ones. Or if the person suspected of the crime does not commit suicide remaining alive, the media often writes about the alleged killer’s mental state, frame of mind or quotes a family member saying “they are innocent” because the person would do nothing to harm anyone.


Those family members need to wake up and get their head from out of their respective behinds.


A classic example is the case of Sandra Viramontes, 30, of Chicago, who was beaten and bruised covering 90 percent of her body. No one could say for sure how many hours she was unconscious before her mother received a call from her son-in-law saying her daughter needed medical attention back in January of 2010.

When the mother walked in to her daughter’s home Luis Viramontes, the son-in-law was gone in his place a relative who stood by and did nothing until the mother shouted to call 911. But it was too late.

At the hospital a trauma doctor informed the family “they had never seen anybody get a beating like that before.” Sandra’s had been beaten and bruised over 90 percent of her body. After the doctors ran tests the family was told her injuries were not survivable and two weeks later while in her mother’s she was taken off life support.

My question is how the hell was this bozo allowed bail in the first place? Her condition was critical and she was not going to survive her injuries. Maybe the judge who set his bond did not consider Luis, "oh so gentle" as dangerous.

This is a classic case of senseless and ignorant denial. It makes my skin crawl when I read comments made by members or friends of a killer’s family, “he always been real gentle.” Another comment as if to set the tone when this case goes to trial, “Luis couldn’t sleep or he cried nonstop.” Was this before during and after the beating? Or was it only when this cowardly individual realized he’d better have a few witnesses to testify as to his acting out the part of showing remorse for murdering his wife and the mother of his two young children? He probably thought it all out and carefully deciding what he would tell the person who will represent him that he lost control or it was an accident he had no intention of hurting her. The defense attorney will respond something like “I’ll talk to the State and see if we can get the charges reduced to manslaughter or second degree murder. Or maybe he’ll get his client a deal. You know so he will not have to spend the rest of his life in prison.
Part of the solution is for families, even those of the person committing the violence to speak up and step to the plate when they sense or know a family member is hurting a loved one. Another important component to this epidemic is for the mainstream media to report these incidents of violence and bloodshed with the same fire power they cover politics issues that affect everyday Americans’.

It is then, that we will have a level playing field for everyone affected by intimate partner violence to understand the cause, the solution and possibly the ability to prevent the bloodshed because the issue is out in the forefront. Instead of hiding this epidemic behind closed doors swept under the rug no different than those whom are suffering and entering cemeteries in silence.


"Been there, done that…” Susan Murphy- Milano has turned a tired phrase into demonstrable realism through the gift of her newly published book, "TIME'S UP: A GUIDE ON HOW TO LEAVE AND SURVIVE ABUSIVE AND STALKING RELATIONSHIPS"

Train Wreck

By Susan Murphy Milano

“Someday maybe there will exist a well-informed, well considered and yet fervent public conviction that the most deadly of all possible sins is the mutilation of a child’s spirit

-Erik H. Erikson

Anyone who believes that children are not affected by violence in the home is very mistaken.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing more terrifying than hearing your parents scream at each other in anger.

And that terror is magnified tenfold when you see your father, whom you love, beating, knocking, bashing, and kicking the mother you adore.
As a child, you want to make it stop; after rushing to your mother’s aid and getting knocked across the room yourself a few times, you learn to run away from the mayhem rather than toward it. Your feelings become confused, swirling between the fear of being hurt yourself and even worse, dread that your mother will be killed if you don’t make him stop. In the mind of a child they feel responsible for the destruction. “If I cannot make it stop then it must be my fault.”

The first time you experience it, the horror is unimaginable. Your whole warm, safe, comfortable world is exploding in front of your eyes. How can this be? Why is this happening?

The Peterson Children
This made me think of Chris and Thomas Peterson, the boys of Kathleen Savio . Her body was discovered “dead” shortly after ending a violent marriage, in a bathtub in 2004. Their father former police Sgt. Drew Peterson was arrested for her murder and he is currently being held in an Illinois jail until the trial.

Their lives are literally a train wreck. Not once, but twice. After Kathleen's death their father was quick to marry a girl close enough in age to be the boy’s sister. There was no time to process and grieve for their mother and it is likely their father, a stern task master, whom set the tone for what would and won’t be tolerated with their new step-mom Stacy Peterson. Imagine your mother dies and as a child you are commanded by someone whom you likely fear to "suck it up" and move on. The only difference in this abusive household the boys have experienced a triple dose of what I term "roller coaster hell" in an environment deeply rooted in power, control and violence.

The boys are young enough to bond with step-mom Stacy and old enough to have experienced loss, uncertainty, fear and tragedy. Stacy takes on the task of immediate motherhood with Kathleen's boys. She goes that extra mile preparing their favorite meals, being there when they come home from school to tucking them in each night. Slowly the boys begin to trust Stacy and after about a year as a family things settle down a bit. Although Stacy gives birth to a boy and a girl during the marriage she is always conscious of the boys and their feelings working overtime to build a solid foundation for Kathleen's boys Chris and Thomas.
Suddenly, the bright light in the Peterson home is once again burned out when Stacy Peterson vanishes.

Do these children re-live and witness the same horrors as when their mother was alive as the household begins to crumble? The answer is yes.

The boys have now experienced two life devastating train wrecks within a 5 year time period. During the following months the tension is so thick in the Peterson houselhold you could cut it with a knife. Their home is invaded by the media. Police presence both in and outside the home is omnipresent. Everyone in the country soon knows the name Peterson and its' association with something evil, violent and tragic.

The third train wreck happens when Drew Peterson is arrested. The boys are devastated. Regardless of what we may think of Peterson these young men only know him as their loving father. And after his arrest the boys are sent to live with relatives.

I hope and pray in the years ahead Chris and Thomas Peterson have the opportunity to experience joy, love, hope and most of all peace.

Interrogation of Reluctant Witnesses

By Tad DiBiase


I'm not a detective (although my brother is) and I don't play one on TV.  Nonetheless during my career as a prosecutor trying mostly murder cases I not only watched a lot of interviews and interrogations but did quite a few myself.  More than once the detectives on my cases accused me of wanting to be a detective more than wanting to be a prosecutor and to that charge I plead guilty.


Interviews and interrogations are critical to resolving many homicide and violent crime cases.  Often murder cases,  particularly domestic murders and no body murders, either do not have forensic evidence or the forensic evidence is not particularly damning, for example, in a domestic murder, finding the suspect's DNA on the scene may not be very incriminating if the victim and the suspect were in a relationship.  Therefore convincing a reluctant eyewitness to come forward with evidence or testimony or the confession of a suspect may mean the difference between closing a case with an arrest and having a case grow cold. 


My view on interviews of reluctant witnesses and interrogations changed over time.  When I was a junior prosecutor I was all about good cop/bad cop. I was always the bad cop and believed that it was best to confront a liar as such and to pound away on the witness or suspect until he gave it up.  (To be fair, most of the witnesses to DC murders tend not to be school teachers and bus drivers but hardened thugs and drug dealers who were used to being questioned by police and prosecutors.)  


As time went on, however,  I watched more experienced prosecutors and veteran homicide detectives,  I realized that, while playing bad cop was fun, it was often unproductive.  Most witnesses and suspects,  if they did confess,  were more likely to tell the truth if the detective or prosecutor speaking to them established a bond, not hit them over the head with a bat (metaphorically speaking of course).  I thought of this recently as I read of the controversy about the questioning of suspected terror suspects.  Although I  reject the idea that an interrogation of terrorists can only consist of torture or "FBI-style" questioning, I do not reject the idea that interrogations and interviews where the questioner bonds with the subject are generally more successful.  


I am in the middle of reading an excellent book on this very topic, Practical Aspects of Interview and Interrogation by David E. Zulawski and Douglas Wicklander.  (Full disclosure:  The authors sent me this book for free but have not asked me to plug or review it.)    Their book is not easily summarized but in a nutshell they are strong and effective advocates for the bonding type of interview, not the harsh confrontational method used by many police departments (and prosecutors).  


Among the topics they cover in their book are nonverbal clues to behavior, false confessions,  establishing creditability with a subject and using rationalizations to make it easier for a suspect to confession.  Both men are recognized experts in their field and train police officers and private investigators on the methods they believe have the greatest chance of garnering confessions and incriminating testimony.  


Since many cold cases must now rely on witness testimony, every detective would be wise to read this textbook and put its suggestions into play.  Since I know many of you have lost loved ones in cases that remain unsolved, it can never hurt to see if the detective on your case has heard of the book or the methodology.  Detectives often only get one shot at a suspect or key witness and using the wrong method can forever doom the investigation to the realm of a cold case.