"The Wrong Kind of Love"

By Susan Murphy-Milano

At what cost to ourselves do we remain in a relationship? Likely this is not a question we ever ask ourselves. But, why not?

Could it be that in our lives we settle? Are we too embarrassed to admit when the individual we have chosen to spend our lives with is not who they were at the beginning of the relationship? The answer is yes.

The wrong kind of love includes emotional warfare. A destructive game played in a relationship when a person chips away at the very foundation of another individual. Emotional warfare is an invisible dagger to the heart. You don't see it coming when confronted. Below are some examples of :

Emotional Abuse

• Name calling: “you’re a bitch, a whore, fat, ugly, stupid, slut, trash”.
• You are constantly told that you are crazy, that you need a psychiatrist; they threaten to have you committed. They tell your children that you are crazy and make them believe that they are not safe with you. They hide personal items in an attempt to convince you or others that, “you are losing it.”
• They intentionally say things to embarrass you in front of others. They make remarks about your appearance or belittle you. They talk over you if you are engaged in conversation, or consistently contradict you in an effort to discredit you, or make you feel stupid.
• They ignore you when you have “been bad”, or do not do as you are told. They act like you are not in the room. You are made to feel that you are invisible.
• They withhold praise or affection. They make you feel that your mere presence disgusts them, that you are unattractive, and unworthy of them or anyone else.

• You are made to feel worthless, no good, and stupid. You are told you’re your opinions do not count, that you couldn’t possibly have anything to say that anyone would want to hear.
• You are made to feel that your past has no value; your childhood memories, your holiday traditions, your faith, and even your family. Regardless of your education, or your past experiences, your prior existence means nothing to them, and even the mention of it can illicit negative consequences.
• They accuse you of having affairs, lying, or conspiring against them.

Just because you are not physically hurt in your relationship does not mean you are free and clear. Emotional abuse can and does lead to intimate partner homicide. In many of the recent cases where women have gone missing and have yet to be found, they were never hit or beaten with fists. Instead, words, the same as you see above were their abusers weapons. When that no longer worked they went from words to action, silencing women and the mothers of their own children, forever.

You cannot fix or rescue these individuals. They are toxic and dangerous to any relationship.

Before you consider filing for a divorce or moving out, you better have a plan. He (the abuser) has one if you leave. And the last time I checked designer body bags were not considered a fashion statement.

Time's Up!

[Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is an expert on intimate partner violence and homicide crimes. For more information visit http://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/ She is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and wherever books are sold.

She is also part of the team at Management Resources Limited of New York.

Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on Here Women Talk http://www.herewomentalk.com/ and is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr. Laurie Roth http://www.therothshow.com/

Rhythm of Your Heart

By Neil Schori

How often do you talk to yourself? Quite a lot, don’t you? Come on, you can admit it. As a matter of fact, some mental health experts say that it is actually a marker of true mental health. In that case, I must be really healthy! Since November, I’ve been doing a lot of self-talk. I tell myself that I’m just in a busy season and that soon it will slow down and everything will be ok. I’m sick and tired of saying that to myself because it isn’t changing. This is one of the longest “seasons” on record!

In our fast-paced and results-oriented society, we’re told to keep running and running in our careers and with all of our kids’ extra-curricular activities. Even our vacations are rushed. We’ll surely rest one day, won’t we? Certainly retirement will be good, at least. Maybe, but we’ve never been guaranteed retirement, have we?

Here’s what I’m learning, and starting to integrate into my self-talk mantras: running non-stop is neither efficient nor good for me. And no one else will tell me to slow down, either. I have to care enough for myself to recognize that slowing down is not a bad thing. As a matter of fact, slowing down can make me a lot more productive, and will help me to keep firing on all cylinders in a healthy and well-rounded way.

Maybe you can relate to all of this. Why is it that we think that we have to keep running so fast, anyway? What are we trying to prove? A lot of us keep going because we think that everything depends on us. I used to think that, but now I believe that is both unhealthy and untrue. When we fall for that lie, we start running around so quickly that we are good to no one…particularly not to ourselves. When we do that, we are out of a healthy rhythm and we’re inefficient and something will break in us. It may be our sanity, and it may be our health.

It reminds me of a heart condition called atrial fibrillation. It is one of the leading causes of blood clots that kill people each year. A healthy heart beats with a united and purposeful rhythm, but atrial fibrillation causes the heart to beat erratically, and without unity and strength. What happens next is the blood that is being pumped does not circulate properly and tends to pool and to clot. It isn’t that the heart is not beating. It is actually beating like mad. It is beating quickly and inefficiently…and for the physical heart, that can be disastrous. And just maybe, it is for our emotional hearts, too.

If I’m describing you today, I want you to do something with me. Say no to someone when they ask you for something, and then take that time and do something for yourself. It isn’t selfish or bad or uncaring. Let all of that go. Get a cup of coffee all by yourself or take a long walk or do yoga. Don’t give a long explanation for why you are saying no because that just makes you sound guilty. Just say no and be silent. I promise you this: you won’t regret it…and you’ll be healthier for it. How is your life’s rhythm?


Peace,

Neil Schori 

www.neilschori.com

Spirit of a Nation

By Jillian Maas Backman

Although we have never met in person, I feel as though we have been dearest friends forever.  Let us celebrate this valentine sentiment together in love.  The type of love that grows into maturity over time.  The spiritual union between America and its people.

As we watch the current events unfold in Egypt and cannot help, we can however identify with the struggles and triumphs ahead on their journey towards loving freedom.  Oh, how we know the growing pains of that evolution.  Collectively experiencing good and bad memorable moments together for centuries.  Falling in and out of love with each other.  Taking out our personal frustrations publicly over hot monumental issues of the day.  Losing precious life’s over cultural differences.  Learning the hard lessons of forgiveness when necessary.  All feeble attempts to suck the life out of our exuberant American essence we call home.  Yet, through it all, never losing sight of our unbreakable intimate bond we have to one another.

 I cannot begin to imagine the pain and suffering one goes through when your country experiences a global identity crisis.  Living with the constant uncertainty if you next door neighbor is really friend or foe.  The thought of this kind of assault landing in our own communities is simply inconceivable.  Nevertheless, sadly, it does. 

Our homes represent the physical structure where all American souls beat in unison.  Our wants are all the same.  To live a life greater than the generation before us.  Where the children can rest comfortably at night knowing all is well and filled with bright tomorrows.  When the unrest of the world burrows its way into our sacred space, horrible things begin to happen.  When we argue amongst ourselves, all heart fills with unbearable immeasurable remorse.  When we murder one another, a piece from all of us goes home with them.  

When we abuse each other, a bruise is left behind on all of us as a shameful reminder never to forget.  Ignorant cruelty separates us from the sincere intentions of Valentine’s Day.  The commitment to love one another until death do us part.  Hold fast to this spiritual vow of being soulfully tenderhearted. 

Our American neighborhoods are meant to secure the salt of the earth attitudes we hold precious in our minds.  A haven from all the cares in the world.  Where groups gathering yearly on the side streets to celebrate the marching band during the Fourth of July parades.  With joyful parents beaming ear-to-ear with un-banished pride.  Dragging your life partner to a crazy over- the- top car show that comes to town every so often.  Moreover, you in turn, go see the cheekiest girl flick ever to even the score.  Ahh, we are so very lucky to have such a simple privileged life. 

Treasure quiet moments alone when the world is not looking.  Let your guard down and be yourself in all its silly glory.  Cook in your underwear together when no one is the wiser.  Watch useless TV if you want to. Keeping your words gentle between each other.  Standing side- by- side to battle the evils of this world.  Encourage with firm, but loving intent, to coax another back on track with goals and aspirations.  Plant yourself firmly on the front lines together to see the job to completion.  Intuitively listening to each other.  Know when hurt feelings have come your way.  Followed graciously with a sincere apology for any misunderstandings.  Embrace your collective soul mates you love unconditionally; friends, brothers, sisters, parents, cats and doggies, children, partners.  Just because you can! 

There are many who have lost the chance to host ridiculous skirmishes over the dumbest things.  Like the toilet paper roll pulling from the top or the bottom.  Victims who will never know how it feels to have someone in life to bicker over such insignificant matters.  The ability to grow old together and say, “I love you my dear” on any day, let alone on this prestigious Valentine holiday.

Happy Valentine Week to you and your loved one.

In loving humbleness, Jillian Maas Backman