I Admit I Lost My Child....For 90 Seconds

by Gaetane Borders

It was the longest minute and a half of my life!  I was distracted by a short phone call on my cell, and averted my eyes for what seemed like a millisecond.  Yet when I looked up he was gone! I called out his name countless times across the playground.  However, I did not hear the sound of his adorable voice responding back "Yes, Mommy!"  I frantically searched for his striped blue and white shirt in the crowd of children.  Luckily, I ultimately found him playing with a four-year-old "friend" by the slides, but only after I aged two decades and grew a few grey hairs.  

Although  my torment lasted only a few seconds, I know that for many parents the ending is not as happy.  Can you imagine for just one second how you would feel if your child was missing, and there was nothing that you could do to protect them from harm?  No parent should ever have to experience this. Yet an alarming number of children are abducted each day. Statistics indicate that every 40 seconds a child goes missing.  With such startling evidence of an epidemic, I believe it is important to help parents by sharing several tips about how they can prevent such a tragedy from happening to their family. The following are some things to keep in mind:

• · Don't let your child wear clothing with his or her name on it. Children are less likely to fear someone who knows their name. The reality is that although we typically tell our children not to talk to strangers, children do not have a true grasp of who can or cannot be trusted. In fact, young children often believe that anyone who knows their name is a “friend.”
• · Never leave your child alone in a public place, even in a locked car. Accompany a young child to the bathroom in a public place even if they insist that they can go by themselves. Moreover, instruct them to never play in or around public restrooms, as pedophiles often linger in these areas.
• · Accompany your child on door-to-door activities like Halloween and school fundraising campaigns.
• · Keep track of your children's Internet activity. Share email accounts and passwords. Make sure you know what sites they visit, and if they meet anyone suspicious while online. If possible, only allow computers to be in common areas such as a den or kitchen. This will make it easier to monitor internet usage.
• · Avoid having service people come to the home if your children are there alone. Remember, these individuals are considered strangers!
• · Establish a "code word" or phrase with your children. For example, tell them that they are only allowed to go with a person who knows this secret word or phrase if they were to pick them up from school. This will allow your child to know that this is a trusted person.
• · Establish safe houses where your child can go if in trouble. A safe house can be the home of a trusted friend or some other trusted individual in the neighborhood who agrees to let children make emergency calls.
• · Teach them that the police are their friends and that they can rely on them if they are in trouble. Make sure they know to dial 911 or 0 if they need assistance.

These are just a few simple ways that parents can help to protect their children. The key is to make sure that as parents, we vigilantly supervise our children because it only takes a second for misfortune to happen. If you have not already done so, make sure to visit http://www.familywatchdog.us/ to see what pedophiles are living in your community.  Make sure to look at the site frequently because it is updated regularly.  You definitely need to know who in your community preys on your children! 

Gaétane F. Borders is President of Peas In Their Pods, an organization that helps to spread awareness about missing children of color. She has dedicated her life to helping families and children, and is a noted child advocate. Gaétane often lends her expertise to various media outlets such as CBS, CNN, and FOX. In addition, she frequently contributes to magazines and newspapers.

Previous articles by Gaetane Borders on Time's Up! CLICK HERE

The Importance Of Modeling

by Gaetane Borders

Recently, someone sent me a comic strip that had been circulating on Facebook. It was succinct, and implied that a parent’s poor influence could very well lead to teen pregnancy. What was more interesting to me were the responses that the images prompted. You can only imagine how heated the online debates were. Some believed that the comic strip was overly harsh towards parents. However, others adamantly stressed that the major cause of the acting out behaviors observed with our youth are because the adults in their lives are a bad influence.

Research scientists have said that much of what children learn during their formative years occurs as a result of imitation. Modeling is the term that is commonly used to describe this phenomenon. With a barrage of negative imagery displayed in movies, television, as well as in society as a whole, it may be confusing to many why all children do not act out. Although many children idolize movie and sport stars, the fact remains that parents have greater influence on their children.

Numerous notable individuals have theorized about the importance of parenting throughout the centuries. For instance, a psychologist named John Bowlby was the first to study the issue of attachment, and described it as a “…lasting psychological connectedness between human beings." He believed that the earliest bonds formed by children with their caregivers have a significant impact that continues throughout life. The central theme of attachment theory is that mothers who are available and responsive to their infant’s needs establish a sense of security. The infant knows that the caregiver is dependable, which creates a secure base for the child to then explore the world.

There is no doubt that a parent’s influence has a perceivable impact on children. However, often parents fail to realize how their day to day actions affect their children.

Good modeling means that you are using your words and actions as examples to show your beliefs, values, and attitudes in action for your child every day. As a model, you do not want to say one thing but then do another because this will, without a doubt, confuse your child. Children will not do what the parent says, instead they will do what the parents have modeled. As a parent, you want your words and actions to mirror each other. For example, it is not only important that you tell your children that you value education and that school is important. You must take an active part in their education by being involved, and spending time to review their homework, and being visible in their schools.

If one wants to know what message they are sending to their child, they can begin by analyzing their own behaviors. Look closely at how you handle emotions such as anger and love. Do you slam doors when you get upset, or swear? Are you able to show affection? Can you listen without judgment, or do you frequently put others down? It is likely that your children cope with these emotions the same way that you do. Make certain to be the person you want your children to be because they are watching, learning…and imitating.

Gaétane F. Borders is President of Peas In Their Pods, an organization that helps to spread awareness about missing children of color. She has dedicated her life to helping families and children, and is a noted child advocate. Gaétane often lends her expertise to various media outlets such as CBS, CNN, and FOX. In addition, she frequently contributes to magazines and newspapers.

Previous articles by Gaetane Borders on Time's Up! CLICK HERE

I Admit...I Lost My Child For 90 Seconds

by Gaetane Borders

It was the longest minute and a half of my life!  I was distracted by a short phone call on my cell, and averted my eyes for what seemed like a millisecond.  Yet when I looked up he was gone! I called out his name countless times across the playground.  However, I did not hear the sound of his adorable voice responding back "Yes, Mommy!"  I frantically searched for his striped blue and white shirt in the crowd of children.  Luckily, I ultimately found him playing with a four-year-old "friend" by the slides, but only after I aged two decades and grew a few grey hairs.  

Although my torment lasted only a few seconds, I know that for many parents the ending is not as happy.  Can you imagine for just one second how you would feel if your child was missing, and there was nothing that you could do to protect them from harm?  No parent should ever have to experience this. Yet an alarming number of children are abducted each day. Statistics indicate that every 40 seconds a child goes missing.  With such startling evidence of an epidemic, I believe it is important to help parents by sharing several tips about how they can prevent such a tragedy from happening to their family. The following are some things to keep in mind:

·         Don't let your child wear clothing with his or her name on it. Children are less likely to fear someone who knows their name. The reality is that although we typically tell our children not to talk to strangers, children do not have a true grasp of who can or cannot be trusted. In fact, young children often believe that anyone who knows their name is a “friend.”

·         Never leave your child alone in a public place, even in a locked car. Accompany a young child to the bathroom in a public place even if they insist that they can go by themselves. Moreover, instruct them to never play in or around public restrooms, as pedophiles often linger in these areas.

·         Accompany your child on door-to-door activities like Halloween and school fundraising campaigns.

·         Keep track of your children's Internet activity. Share email accounts and passwords. Make sure you know what sites they visit, and if they meet anyone suspicious while online. If possible, only allow computers to be in common areas such as a den or kitchen. This will make it easier to monitor internet usage.

·         Avoid having service people come to the home if your children are there alone. Remember, these individuals are considered strangers!

·         Establish a "code word" or phrase with your children. For example, tell them that they are only allowed to go with a person who knows this secret word or phrase if they were to pick them up from school. This will allow your child to know that this is a trusted person.

·         Establish safe houses where your child can go if in trouble. A safe house can be the home of a trusted friend or some other trusted individual in the neighborhood who agrees to let children make emergency calls.

·         Teach them that the police are their friends and that they can rely on them if they are in trouble. Make sure they know to dial 911 or 0 if they need assistance.

These are just a few simple ways that parents can help to protect their children. The key is to make sure that as parents, we vigilantly supervise our children because it only takes a second for misfortune to happen. If you have not already done so, make sure to visit http://www.familywatchdog.us/ to see what pedophiles are living in your community.  Make sure to look at the site frequently because it is updated regularly.  You definitely need to know who in your community preys on your children!  

Happy...and Safe Parenting

Gaétane F. Borders is President of Peas In Their Pods, an organization that helps to spread awareness about missing children of color. She has dedicated her life to helping families and children, and is a noted child advocate. Gaétane often lends her expertise to various media outlets such as CBS, CNN, and FOX. In addition, she frequently contributes to magazines and newspapers.

I'm Gonna Tell My Daddy

By Gaetane Borders

Recently, my friend wrote an article that truly moved me. It moved me so much that I cried. I cried because despite our friendship…I had no prior knowledge of his traumatic childhood experience. It makes me so sad to know that this was his reality. However, I am so very excited to know the person that he ultimately turned out to be. The power of the presence of a father is immeasurable. My friend learned this at a young age. Here is his story:

By: Cushmeer
5 words. 5 simple words that every child deserves to have in their arsenal. Every child deserves the protection of a caring, loving and most importantly, PRESENT daddy.

Far too often, our children are left to fend for themselves because they have been abandoned by the one who is best equipped to protect them. Far too often our children are preyed upon by those who know that there is no one there to fill the void that only a father can fill.

As I sit here in my office my eyes are filling with tears because I cannot help but feel for the kids out there who can't say these words. I feel for the little girl that doesn't know her value because daddy abandoned her. I feel for the little boy who doesn't know how to respond to situations because he has no male role model to pattern himself after.

Abandonment is a weird feeling. It hides inside of you quietly and unnoticed until the moment that you need daddy. The moment that your instincts tell you to reach out for help, only to be reminded by your mind, that there is no one to reach out to. That is when the feelings of worthlessness creep in and take root in your still forming psyche. When you are watching mommy get her a** beat by her boyfriend, or when you see someone abusing your sister and you have no one to call and you don't know how to respond.

Abandonment does not have to be permanent to leave permanent scars. All it takes is a few months of not being there for life long damage to occur to your child. That little baby that you were so proud of when he or she was born. The little one that made you feel that you suddenly mattered for the first time. The one who gave you the opportunity to be better than your absentee father was to you.

Every time I look in the mirror at my shirtless torso, I am reminded of what can happen when daddy isn't around and when uncles didn't, wouldn't or couldn't step in. I also know the feeling of being all alone in the world, coming home from school to find no one home and the doors locked. Forced to stay with friends, wondering where I was going to sleep. I had plenty of family that loved me, but I didn't have a single phone number to call. Then, after a week of staying at a school mates home, I had worn out my welcome. The abandoned little boy who didn't know his father's phone number got beat up by the school mate who's home I couldn't go back to.

So there I sat, in the lobby of the empty home that my family had left. I was 12. I sat on the steps crying and hugging my skinny little doberman who had been abandoned with me. The plan that my little mind came up with that night was to put the both of us up for adoption. He was all I had in the world. Then out of the blue, the phone rang. "A-Salam-Alaikum"....It was my father. I hadn't seen him for a few months, but at that very moment, I knew that I was safe. Within a matter of an hour, my father was there to comfort me. To protect me and to replenish the self-worth that had been sucked out of me.

He didn't have a fancy house. He didn't have a car, or fancy clothes, but when I saw him that night, he was as beautiful as any movie star that anyone has ever seen. I had a hero. I had a shoulder to cry on without a single string attached. Years later, back with my mother, dad faded off into the distance again. We were in Georgia. Mom was trying to hustle to take care of my sister and I. In and out of jail she went, so my sister and I were forced to stay with strangers for weeks and months at a time. Again, with no contact information, we had to deal with the pain of abandonment again, and again, and again as our mother was in and out of jail.

During my freshman year at Frederick Douglass HS in SW Atlanta, GA, I didn't have any clothes. I wore the same pair of pants everyday until I came up with the idea of turning them into shorts as the weather improved. After all, shorts beat highwaters. Only problem was that I didn't know the rule of "measure twice, cut once", so now my one pair of highwater pants became highwater SHORTS. :)

It was the third day of the spring semester, and Mrs. Fanning had just fronted me out for not wearing deodorant. Mom hadn't been home for a few days, and dad was who knows where at this point. Arizona I think. I noticed that the kids on the other side of the classroom, facing me, were all whispering and giggling amongst themselves. I knew that it was because the teacher had just fronted me out something fierce, but it went on for too long so I knew there was something else. I assumed that they were making fun of my off brand tennis shoes again, and when I looked down; to my horror, I saw that my teenie weenie shorts had let me down. My little nutty buddies, had somehow crept out of my short shorts. As soon as I shut my legs, that entire side of the classroom erupted into laughter. I couldn't take it, so I grabbed my books and ran all the way home to the 2 bedroom Allen Temple sh*t hole that we lived in....crying all the way.

I did not go back to school that year; cutting class by hiding in buildings from April-June. Those were some of the loneliest days of my life, sitting in those stairwells wondering why my life was the way that it was. Wondering why I was being tormented by God in this way.

Fast forward a few months to that summer and we moved to the Kinsgridge Apts near Greenbriar Mall. I got busted shoplifting by the Woolworths plain clothes security. When he saw that I was stealing underwear, I could see the anguish on is face as he tried to figure out what to do with me. Thank goodness for me that he let me go. I also joined a football team, The Buccaneers. I lied and said that I was 12 so that I could get one of the practice outfits. A pair of shorts and a Bucanners t-shirt. To me, it was a new outfit that fit, because, sad as it sounds, YES, I was still wearing those little shorts. Where was mom? Back in jail. This time for a failure to appear violation. She's been arrested so many times by this point, who could keep up with all of the court dates.

All this time that I was struggling, daddy wasn't around. Yes I knew that he loved me. Yes I knew who he was. Yes we'd had a beautiful bond at one point, but here I was, both of their son, lying and stealing for clothing, humiliated beyond imagination.

What would have happened to me if the Bucaneers coach was a Jerry Sandusky or an Eddie Long? Who was I going to turn to if I were being abused? Who did I even think cared enough to do something? Nobody. That's who. And that is what abandonment feels like.

But it can be undone in an instant.

So I am outside playing catch with my friend Ulysses. It is September and I am still wearing my E.D.O. (every day outfit). The Bucanners practice ensemble and my busted a** jeepers when the baseball we were throwing went through the neighbors window. As we stared at the window, with the tenant scolding us from the inside, I could see that I was not going to be getting any new school clothes now because that money was going to have to pay for the window. I had spent the whole summer looking at the sears catalogue in the house, wishing that I could have all of the nice clothes to wear to school and now this. Mom had just gotten out of jail a few weeks earlier and hadn't scraped up enough money except for maybe a pair of Levi's or 2.

As I sat there looking at the window a car pulled up a few yard away on the street. I didn't notice the car until the man in the passenger's seat yelled "Cushmeer!" It was my uncle Rasheed who I had not seen in years. He had just happened to be in Atlanta from Chicago, and was only in the neighborhood because the driver was dropping some money off to his kids. I cannot tell you what it felt like to hear "Cushmeer" at that moment. Only my family knew that name.

The next day, my uncle Rasheed came back to the house and took my sister and I to the Polo Store at Perimeter mall and bought us more clothes than I had even prayed for.

I remember staying up all night looking in the mirror at every outfit combination that I could think of. The impact that Rasheed's love had on me was instant and profound. Rasheed never abandoned us. He made sure that we got out of the new sh*t hole that we were living in. He made sure that we were reconnected with our family, and to this day, we have not been out of contact.

I owe my life to that day. I fear what I may have become had God not brought Rasheed to us at that moment. I was a victim waiting for a victimizer. Fortunately for me, I was rescued by a loving uncle who cared enough to fill part of the void created by my father's absence.

So I say to you, if you know of a child that is missing a father, take the time to help them, to encourage them and to love them; because if we don't, the horrors of Penn State and New Birth will continue to haunt our community for years and generations to come.

God Bless the fathers who, despite the obstacles and roadblocks find it in themselves to MAKE A WAY to be there for their children; and God bless the children who have no daddy to protect them.

Shout out to all of the fathers who stood strong and weathered the storms. Shah Salahdeen, Troy DaGraca, Patrick Hudson, Karriem Shah, WD Shah, Craig Gloster, Jihad Khayyam and Juan Pittman, through thick and thin, you stand tall for yours. 

Gaétane F. Borders is President of Peas In Their Pods, an organization that helps to spread awareness about missing children of color. She has dedicated her life to helping families and children, and is a noted child advocate. Gaétane often lends her expertise to various media outlets such as CBS, CNN, and FOX. In addition, she frequently contributes to magazines and newspapers.

Prenatal Child Abuse

by Gaetane Borders

As a child advocate, I normally write and talk about child abuse that happens postnatally. However, today’s blog post is a bit different because it will focus on prenatal abuse. The idea came to me after running across two different recent research studies about pregnancy and the affects of drug and alcohol use during gestation.

We all know that pregnancy can be really stressful with all the changes your body goes through, and with the constant worrying that the baby will be healthy. So why not take some of the edge off with a few glasses of wine. Heck…it could help dull the back pain you get in the latter months. Sounds crazy you say! Not according to a group of researchers.

In a recent study, they found that "Light drinking is fine, but heavy and binge drinking should be avoided." (Note to self….avoid binge drinking when pregnant. Oh yeah...and any other time!!!) Reports indicate that “pregnant women who drank one or two units of alcohol a week didn't harm their children. The scientific proof is that by age 5, children who were part of the study were still doing well -- able to walk straight lines and touch their noses with the tips of their fingers.” I can’t make this stuff up if I tried (sigh). Listen up people (said in my best School Psychologist voice), I encourage you to set the bar higher for your children. Sure, the kids in the research study were able to touch their noses and walk a straight line…but could they read and comprehend….recite the alphabet…..hmmmmm or ……speak coherently? I’m just saying...

Another research study about the post-natal effects of Methamphetamine (a.k.a Crystal Meth) has been discussed recently. Crystal Meth is a stimulant drug that wreaks havoc on the nervous system, causing brain changes that could cause anxiety, mood problems, and violent behavior. Researchers found that pregnant moms who use meth can also pass some of these behavioral problems onto their kids. Here’s my question….Did anyone ever doubt that there would be repercussions from using meth whether pregnant or not?

I consider the use of drugs and alcohol during pregnancy to be a form of child abuse because it harms children physically and intellectually. In fact, it can limit their potential even before they enter the world. Low birth weight, premature delivery, birth defects, learning difficulties, and infant withdrawal symptoms are just some of the problems that can happen.

So ladies, please put down the wine glass. The nine months will fly by before you know it. Though you may crave a nice glass of Châteauneuf du Pape, resist that temptation until after the baby is born. Moreover, any illicit drug use is undoubtedly going to affect your unborn child. Trust me…I work everyday with kids whose moms did not heed this counsel, and for those kids being able to touch their noses would, indeed, be a milestone. You might hear contradictory arguments about this issue. Some will swear that a glass here and there is nothing to get worked up about. But would you really want to chance it? Not this mom!

However, there is help out there if you are someone who struggles with drug and/or alcohol dependence. Please consult any of the resources below, or contact your healthcare provider for guidance.

American Pregnancy Helpline (866) 942-6466

National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence (800) 622-2255

Substance Abuse Treatment Facility Locator (800) 662-4357 

Gaétane F. Borders is President of Peas In Their Pods, an organization that helps to spread awareness about missing children of color. She has dedicated her life to helping families and children, and is a noted child advocate. Gaétane often lends her expertise to various media outlets such as CBS, CNN, and FOX. In addition, she frequently contributes to magazines and newspapers.

Related articles

• 'Meth babies' at risk for behaviour problems: study (ctv.ca)
• Meth use in pregnancy linked to kids' behaviour problems (cbc.ca)
• Mom's meth use during pregnancy causes kids' behavioral problems (cbsnews.com)
• Study finds 'meth babies' have behavior problems - msnbc.com (today.msnbc.msn.com)

Love Can Be Blind

By Gaetane Borders

Take a moment and close your eyes. Just picture what it's like to spend 9 months anticipating the arrival of your newborn. Picture yourself buying baby furniture, onesies, and reading all the new mommy books you could buy. Then, picture this last scene...that hours after giving birth, the state takes custody of your newborn...simply because you are blind. This is exactly what happened in 2010 to Erika Johnson and Blake Sinnett of Missouri.

According reports, Johnson's first attempts at breast-feeding were clumsy. A nurse noticed that the baby's nostrils were covered by Johnson's breast. Johnson felt that something was wrong so she switched the baby to her other side....but not before the baby turned blue. Okay...Let me be the first to acknowledge just how serious this is. However, let me also share that my first attempts at nursing my 1st born were extremely clumsy! I was nervous and stressed...and it didn't help that my anti-breastfeeding mom stood over shouting "You're choking him!" (Insert strong Haitian accent) But I digress...

Reportedly, a nurse wrote in Johnson's chart: "The child is without proper custody, support or care due to both of (the) parents being blind, and they do not have specialized training to assist them." That's what it took to get the system involved. It would ultimately take 57 days before the young couple was allowed to reunite with their baby. The couple shared that they fielded questions from the social worker just as soon as the baby was born. Questions like... How could they take the baby's temperature? How would they get her to a doctor? Whatever solutions offered by the couple were not enough, and they were told that they would need 24-hour care by a sighted person at their apartment. However, the couple simply could not afford this type of assistance.

We live in a world where kids are abused, murdered, emotionally harmed, and molested by SIGHTED parents. Would my children be taken away from me if my husband and I suddenly lost our sight. What if both parents have amputated legs...or arms. You see where I'm going with this, right? Instead of breaking up the family, the state should have supported this young couple. Surely, they qualified for some kind of support!

Erika also appears to want to put this nightmarish ordeal behind her, saying, “I’m a forgiving person,” and added, "[My daughter] wasn't being abused or neglected, it was just because I was blind.” Her lawyer, agreed and stated "The real problem is not the physical loss of sight, it's the attitudes of the sighted public. It's an educational process." Indeed, it is.

It’s an educational process that would include making certain that people intervene at ALL times when there are signs of abuse and neglect. So often people look the other way and fail to protect children. In fact, just a few weeks ago 18-month-old Amir Jennings and his mother Zinah Jennings were reported missing by her parents. She later surfaced but has refused to tell authorities about her son’s whereabouts. There are some reports that indicate that she had been suffering from depression and had been physically abusive towards her son. Yet no one intervened.

These types of stories are numerous. That is why it troubled me so much to hear about something so horrible happened to this young couple who only wanted to love and care for their beautiful baby girl. I think Erika said it best when she told newspapers "I needed help as a new parent, but not as a blind parent."

Here is an online resource to better help understand why blindness, in and of itself, should not be considered a risk factor.

National Federation Of The Blind



 Gaétane F. Borders is a School Psychologist and President of Peas In Their Pods, an organization that helps to spread awareness about missing children of color. She has dedicated her life to helping families and children, and is a noted child advocate. Gaétane often lends her expertise to various media outlets such as CBS, CNN, and FOX. In addition, she frequently contributes to magazines and newspapers.

Love Does Not Cause You To Bleed

 By Gaetane Borders

Is it possible that parents no longer know how to discipline their children? Maybe something happened within my lifetime that caused a major disconnect such that I simply cannot relate to anything I see, hear, or read lately.

Here’s the source of my current rant:

A month or so ago, a news report surfaced because there was an online video showing what appeared to be a young father who was so upset by his son’s misbehavior at school that he shaved the boy’s hair and eyebrows, spanked him with a belt, and forced him to do exhausting exercises. He filmed the entire 7 minute and 44 second clip and posted it on social media sites. The sad irony is that this parent did this as a means of showing other parents how to properly discipline their own children. I was disturbed by what I heard. The video is difficult to watch.  However, despite the disturbing contents of the video…I have to say that it’s the nation’s reaction that shocked me most. (I’ll get to that a tad later)

The man in the video is identified as Devery Broox. He is not the boy’s father, but has been described as being his "mentor." Orlando, FL officers arrested him after learning about the video via a tip originally received by the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. While the 7-year-old boy initially claimed that marks and scars on his legs were caused by a bicycle accident, he later “disclosed that Devery ‘whips’ him ‘all the time.’” The child told the police that “Devery made him tell the story about the bicycle because ‘he don’t wanna’ go to jail.’”

I am sharing the video below for you to view, but I do want to caution you that it is not safe for work or for children. It contains extremely foul language and violence.

Now....Here’s my rant:

Of the two people in the video, who do you think people are defending? The 7-year-old you say? Well, that would make too much sense. In fact, it is Broox who people are passionately defending online and at the water cooler. “A parent can’t beat their kids [expletive] anymore without the government getting involved!” an angry listener said when she called into a radio show. Again I ask, what happened in the world that causes confusion between discipline and abuse. Those arguing in Broox’s defense say that the incarceration rate of Black men is the reason why such “discipline” is important. They go on to say that this will help young black men because it will make them successful and productive citizens. I vehemently disagree!

Violence begets violence…ALWAYS. Fear and intimidation does not set a healthy framework for relationships! A child is supposed to feel safest at home. A child is supposed to feel comforted by a parent’s touch. Appropriate discipline cannot occur when a parent is enraged. Leaving scars on children means that you caused them to bleed! How does that show love? Condoning “Beating a Child’s [expletive]” is wrong….simply put. 

So where do you stand on this issue. Did this mentor offer appropriate discipline, and should his self-help parenting video be viewed as good training material for parents? The comments below are just some that were posted in the abuser’s defense. Do you agree with them?

Gaétane F. Borders is President of Peas In Their Pods, an organization that helps to spread awareness about missing children of color.  She has dedicated her life to helping families and children, and is a noted child advocate.  Gaétane often lends her expertise to various media outlets such as CBS, CNN, and FOX.  In addition, she frequently contributes to magazines and newspapers.

• When did disciplining a kid become a crime? He may have went a little overboard with the eyebrow shaving but come on, he just teaching the kid to act right or get faced with consequences...Soft world we live in.

• I support the Mentor. Was it extreme? Yes. Will it leave an impression on the young boy to get his act together? Yes. All this is showing is that parents lose their rights to raise their children.

• I know this guy PERSONALLY! Devery is a very nice man he is a mentor and helps boys in the community along with a group of guys I went to college with. He isn't cruel person nor evil and ten years is to the EXTREME. I am going to make sure I go to the courtroom and support Devery because he is somebody who cares about our youth and in the black community we all know that this form of discipline is 100% normal and most of us were raised this way. We are not dead and are parents are not in prison. Those whoopings we got saved many of our lives. I don't get it that you cant whoop your kid with a belt but cops can break your bones with night sticks, tazer you or shoot and kill you. What sense does that make?

• If this child grows up to be a prison bird or terrorize society they will look at him as another black child gone wrong. Now someone is trying to right his wrongs early on and its a crime. I hope next time it isn't made public but when this same black boy goes astray because he does not have a mentor you all who are against the punishment will be looking to point fingers again.  He was retarded for posting it.... That's all!

• Mentor, father, caretaker...young black boys especially need someone to discipline them. This is evident by how many are winding up in juvenile facilities and the penal system in general. While I believe that whipping with a leather belt is extreme, cutting the boys' hair and maybe his eyebrows is not that extreme. Hair grows back but you can't erase a felony conviction. Making him run sprints and doing the duck walk and push ups my impress upon the boy to get his act together and straighten up in school. Parents and guardians need the support of the systems to reinforce discipline and even suggest non corporal, effective ways to turn kids around in their behaviors before it becomes too late.

• See this is what’s wrong with the world today....they gone punish a black man for actually giving a damn....he could not be there, and not even care...and then the child would be just another statistic...another want to b thug, in jail, 2 3 babies he not taking care of.. letting the cycle continue. Somewhere the cycle has to break with our youth. My granddaddy whooped my a*s, my uncles, my momma, even my grandma....not to make me tough to learn some damn discipline and some respect..for elders..and for people trying to teach you something..but I guess some of you rather have rappers be role models..i don't understand..somewhere in the last 10 to 20 years we lost it...kids have no fear..no respect...no tradition....then some of you have a nerve to complain about it....its a shame...make that boy do some push ups....sprints..cut grass all that...and then whoop his a*s.....i bet he wont go in that class room no more acting a fool...respect that man for stepping up because half of yall wouldn't even give that boy a time a day...so shut up.

• I don't have a problem with what was done. So many people come to the boys defense by saying "this poor innocent kid..." If he was so innocent, he wouldn't have been acting a fool in school. So often we as a society talk about the problems with children now a days, and so often do we forget how things were back during the times when children were better behaved. Times when most children had a basic level of respect for adults, and those that didn't were taught a lesson. There was a time in our history where teachers and other school officials were allowed to spank kids. There was a time when if a child got in trouble at school, he would get a beating from the teacher, neighbor, mailman, corner store owner and stranger before having to answer to his parents. Now a days, kids are terrorizing society with their reckless behavior.

A Cloak of Secrecy: The Face of a Pedophile.....(allegedly!)

By Gaetane Borders

I'll be honest with you...I am not a football kind of gal. So, up until a few days ago, I had no idea who the heck Jerry Sandusky was. All that changed, however, in the matter of a seconds when all the sexual abuse allegations against him surfaced! Now....he will never be forgotten. The most disturbing part of this story is not that he could have done this to all those young children. I am well aware of how prevalent this crime is. (The statistics do not lie.) I am disturbed...appalled...nauseated by the allegation that so many knew about this....AND DID NOTHING TO PROTECT THE CHILDREN! (Yes, I'm yelling because I am peeved!)

 I reviewed the infamous timeline that has been widely reported. In summary, it begins in 1994. In 2000, a Janitor allegedly sees Sandusky molesting a young boy. Again in 2002, a graduate assistant (Mike McQueary) allegedly witnessed Sandusky sodomizing a 10-yr-old in a locker room. A 2008 Grand Jury investigation found that 118 phone calls were made from Sandusky's phone to a victim's home after his mother reported that her son had been molested. However, it was not until October 5, 2011 that Sandusky is arrested for the alleged crimes. Siiiiiigggghhh!

The sad truth is that there are thousands of "Sandusky's" out there. However, don't be misguided because there are just as many "McQueary's" in the world as well!!!!! In fact, in order for a pedophile to victimize, they need a cloak of secrecy. Remember as well that kids often do not tell when they are being abused because the pedophile has brainwashed them into thinking that what they are doing is okay; or that no one will believe them; or that they would harm their loved ones. That is why I want each of you to know the warning signs to watch for.

Here are just a few:

•  Masturbating excessively. 
• Showing unusually aggressive behavior toward family members, friends, toys, and pets. 
• Complaining of pain while urinating or having a bowel movement.
•  Exhibiting symptoms of genital infections such as offensive odors, or symptoms of a sexually transmitted disease. 
• Beginning wetting the bed. 
• Experiencing a loss of appetite or other eating problems, including unexplained gagging. 
• Showing unusual fear of a certain place or location. 
• Developing frequent unexplained health problems. 
• Engaging in persistent sexual play with friends, toys or pets.
•  Regressing to behaviors too young for the stage of development they already achieved. 
• Initiating sophisticated sexual behaviors. 
• Indicating a sudden reluctance to be alone with a certain person. 
• Engaging in self-mutilations, such as sticking themselves with pins or cutting themselves. 
• Withdrawing from previously enjoyable activities, like school or school performance change. 
• Asking an unusual amount of questions about human sexuality. 

 I also want you to know what to do if you discover that your child has been abused. Here is a short video that offers 5 key things you should do:

Gaétane F. Borders is President of Peas In Their Pods, an organization that helps to spread awareness about missing children of color. She has dedicated her life to helping families and children, and is a noted child advocate. Gaétane often lends her expertise to various media outlets such as CBS, CNN, and FOX. In addition, she frequently contributes to magazines and newspapers.

Peas In Their Pods

By Gaetane Borders

Few realize that a child is abducted every forty seconds in the United States, or that 42 percent of these children are African American. Despite these alarming statistics, children of color receive the least amount of media exposure when such heinous crimes occur. Peas In Their Pods was established in March of 2007 by Iowa native, Janice Lowery, to bring awareness about the epidemic rate at which African American children are abducted or endangered. It’s an issue that staff of the organization fight hard each day to change since the lack of exposure negatively impacts the likelihood that these children will successfully and safely be reunited with their loved ones.

The reality is that many people have not heard the stories of Adji Desir, Aleacia Stancil, and Hassani Campbell. Or the stories of Marti Lee Bell, Rebecca Candace Tribble, or Maurice Laron Jefferson. They are children who disappeared without a trace. They are children whose familiy must live each day not knowing where they are, or if they are safe. Sadly, there are hundreds of thousand of families coping with this same issue. Though the circumstances regarding their loved one’s disappearance is different, one commonality that they share is that they are precious and Black.

The first 24 hours after a child goes missing is crucial, and can make all the difference in the outcome. Therefore, the organization works closely with families to guide them through the necessary steps that they should take when their child is missing. The organization is also very active in implementing preventative measures that ensure child safety. This is done through parent and caregiver education seminars, outreach services, and through various media outlets including a weekly radio show and monthly ezine.

In addition, Peas In Their Pods has created an alert method called the RILYA Alert system. The more popular Amber Alert’s criteria do not often seem to be met by missing Black children. While the benefits and value of the Amber Alert are undeniable, the RILYA Alert helps to bridge the gap that exists. This alert system helps reduce the response time in which the crucial information is shared with the public. It was named after a youngster called Rilya Wilson who went missing for over eight months before anyone realized she was gone.

The staff at Peas In Their Pods is asking everyone to visit the organization’s website to view the pictures of missing children. Viewers may recognize a child, and could, perhaps, offer clues that may help solve a crime. Your help is needed because it is everyone’s job to help save our children!

Sincerely,

Gaétane F. Borders

President, Peas In Their Pods

hfmbc@hotmail.com

www.peasintheirpods.com

Today’s Kids Are Tomorrow’s Future

 By Gaetane Borders

I know it’s a bit early to talk about this.  But before you know it, November will be upon us.  Did you know that November is National Adoption month here in the United States.  Although this cause is important everyday of the year, this is the month set aside to raise awareness about the adoption of children and youth from foster care.  Years ago, I worked as the Clinical Director of a foster care agency.  Most days I felt overwhelmed about the swelling numbers of children for which I had to find appropriate foster homes.  At times it felt like there were not enough people willing to open up their homes to children in need.  I soon burned out, and left to make an impact in the lives of children in a different way.  Yet, looking at the recent statistics, nothing has changed. 

Currently, there are over 510,00 children in the foster care system.  While blacks account for 15% of U.S. children, they make up 32% of those in foster care, according to a May 2008 report by the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, a private research group.  Other reports suggest that black children in foster care, especially older ones, are less likely than white ones to be adopted. Reports also suggest that Caucasian children in foster care are four times more likely to be reunified with their families than black children.  This means that the majority of African American children will remain in foster care unless they are adopted by a loving family.

To address these statistics, a new federally funded ad campaign is looking to get more black foster children adopted.  Television commercials will feature black parents and children in settings such as parks and schools. Similar ads will appear on radio and in newspaper.  The ads were developed by the Advertising Council, which produces public service announcements and AdoptUsKids, a non-profit that helps connect foster children with adoptive families.  This is the first time African-Americans have been targeted, according to project officials.

The theme for adoption month this year is, "You don't have to be perfect to be a perfect parent." I would certainly agree with this motto.  I would add, however, that although you don’t have to be perfect, you have to be willing to help a child heal.  Entering foster care and being removed from your parents’ custody is incredibly traumatic for children.  This, I assume, is why so many people choose to adopt infants, as they assume that babies will not be cognizant of the separation.  Yet, teens and younger adolescents are in desperate need of loving homes as well.  So, I encourage those who are thinking if adopting to be open-minded!

Knowing how to maneuver the adoption system can be daunting.  However, here are some tips on the steps you will need to take if you choose to embark on this fulfilling journey:

ü  Make a Plan.  One of the most significant steps you will take is to establish your general attitudes and philosophies about adoption.

ü  Search for an agency in your area. Agencies typically offer free informational meetings on the type of adoption placements they offer.

ü  Complete a Home Study.  Once you apply to adopt a child, the laws of all states require that you undergo a homestudy. Homestudies are conducted to evaluate your desire and commitment to adopt, to explore the reasons why you want to adopt, to evaluate you as a prospective parent, and to provide education about adoption.

ü  Finding a child.  Once the home study is completed, you are ready to begin the placement process — the time when a specific child is identified for your family.

Deciding to adopt a child is certainly a big decision, and one that requires much introspection.  You may find that you have a desire to open your home to a child who needs one.  AND…you will likely discover that it is that child that brings happiness into your home! 

Happy Parenting,

Gaétane F. Borders, Ed.S.

President, Peas In Their Pods

Gaétane is a certified School Psychologist who works closely with the inner-city youth and their parents.  She is an advocate of children’s rights and strives to help parent achieve healthy, harmonious, and emotionally stable environments for their children.  Her blog, The Parenting Pundit, offers an open and honest view of parenting.   In addition, as President of Peas Gaétane helps to spread awareness about the epidemic of missing children in the African American community.

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What Would You Do?

By: Gaétane F. Borders 

Here in the state of Georgia, most kids have traded in their swimsuits for backpacks and new sneakers because it is back-to-school time. Despite this reminder that the summer has officially come to an end, I am still vacuuming sand from the carpet in my car. See, my family spent most of the summer lounging and playing on various beaches. As a non-swimmer (Yes, I know it’s pathetic), I have always been extremely…I mean über paranoid of my children swimming out of my reach in the ocean. That is why the story of Charles Ostrander immediately caught my attention.

Charles, who goes by Dale, was visiting Long Beach, Washington with a church group a few days ago. Somehow he got caught in a very strong tide. Upon hearing his cries for help, a 12-year-old girl named Nicole Kissel defied her father’s objections and immediately paddled out to Dale who struggled to stay afloat. She managed to reach him, and helped him onto her boogie board. Reportedly, the two youths paddled in an attempt to reach shore. The water was extremely rough, and Nicole remembers thinking "We're going to die. I can't die like this!”

A large wave knocked them both off. Although Nicole successfully climbed back on her board, Dale disappeared into the violent waters. Nicole eventually made it back to shore, but it took some time before rescue workers found Dale’s lifeless body about two feet below the surface of the water. CPR was immediately commenced, but Dale was lifeless. As imagined, his family braced themselves for the worst. But, his pulse returned once he reached the hospital, and a day later Dale opened his eyes. He soon uttered a few words to his family. Then, again later when Nicole visited him, he spoke. According to news reports, Nicole stated that Dale was having difficulty focusing his eyes for most of the 15-minute reunion. But as she left, he made direct eye contact for the first time and said, "Thank you."

No doubt, Dale has a long recovery ahead of him, as he was underwater and without oxygen for approximately 15 minutes. I wish him the speediest recovery, and given how he has defied the expected…he most definitely has the fighter spirit needed to do so.

Nicole’s actions were so completely selfless and heroic! She acted without hesitation because she saw that someone needed help. She can serve as an inspiration to those of us who stand in the background when we witness something that we know is wrong, or when we know that someone is in harm’s way. Here is clip from the popular TV show titled What Would You Do. This particular segment shows various scenarios in which a pedophile attempts to lure away a 10-year-old girl. Do you think all the adults present intervened and reported the attempted abduction? Watch and see…..then ask yourself “What would I do?”

P.S….. I often role play with my kids and pretend to be the “tricky adult.” But, I watched this video with them so they could see someone other than mommy or daddy being the “stranger” that tries to lure them. Their reaction was very moving to me. They were fixated on the characters that tried to harm the young girl because it made it very real to them. The discussion that we had after viewing the video was so very instructional and important. So, I strongly urge you to share this with your school-aged child. You might be surprised by their definition of the word stranger.


Gaetane




Gaétane F. Borders is President of Peas In Their Pods, and is also a certified School Psychologist who works closely with the inner-city youth and their parents. She is an advocate of children’s rights and strives to help parent achieve healthy, harmonious, and emotionally stable environments for their children. She is a sought after media consultant, and is often featured in print, radio, and television.

When The Law Fails You

By: Gaétane Borders, Ed.S 

Let me ask you a rhetorical question....How do you feel about the Casey Anthony verdict? To be honest, I have not met a person yet who isn't outraged by the findings, and the apparent slap on the hand of a mother, human, egg supplier who covered up the murder eh hem...accidental drowning of beautiful Caylee Anthony. Well let me share another story with you that may very well put you over the edge. Please make sure you're sitting down...sigh.

Weldon Marc Gilbert of Washington state is a wealthy commercial pilot acting as his own defense counsel, so he gets to personally review the evidence against him. Not such a big deal, right. But wait, there's more! Gilbert is accused of child rape and molestation and the "evidence" that he is allowed to view is the 100s of pornographic material seized from his home in 2007. Reports indicate that he lured children to his house. Once inside, he would get them drunk, tie them down and beat them, all with the camera rolling, detectives said.

According to ABC News, authorities found a stash of pornographic videotapes and DVDs depicting 250 scenes involving 40 individuals, including one of a boy who was 12 years old. Police also allegedly found a cassette tape on which Gilbert described his spanking fantasies in addition to a variety of sex toys, paddles, blindfolds, spanking devices and two handguns.

Apparently Gilbert will be put in a private room whenever he wants to watch the porn....to research. OUR legal system allows this obscenity! Imagine how the children and their parents must feel knowing that this pedophile gets to relive their rape and abuse as often as he wants. Sickening! The only rule is that he is not able to show the tapes to other inmates, and must have one person supervise him while he researches.

This travesty and the results of the Casey Anthony case are a blatant indication that we have to put pressure on lawmakers in order to protect our children. Because, clearly the laws that are in place are wishy washy, and reward the perpetrators instead of the victims. However, until these laws are changed we can also help our children from falling prey by teaching them critical safety skills.

1. Role play with your kids frequently in which you act out various scenarios where “tricky adults” attempt to lure them away. Have them take turn being both the adult and the child.

2. Come up with a password or phrase. Tell them that if a stranger says "Your mom said that you have to come with me," they should immediately ask "What's the password?" If the person knows it they can go. If they don't....they should NOT GO. Remember, for this to work...the password must be kept secret and shared upon your discretion.

3. In an emergency, a loud yell is one of the best things a child can do. Teach them to yell out "MOM, DAD", "STOP," "HELP", "THIS IS NOT MY DAD." A child calling attention to himself in public is a predator's worst nightmare. 4. Review your home address and phone number with children. All kids should know their parents' cell phone number. If necessary, you can write in on a slip of paper, and tuck it into their pocket. 

Gaetane Borders is the President of Peas In Their Pods