W.T. F. - Can We Please Stop The Bloodshed!

By Susan Murphy-Milano

As I sip my coffee with cream, pecking away on my computer, reading the bloodshed in the headlines, I am split between those whom you will never read about because they got out of their abusive and violent relationships, and those whose permanent residence is now in a cemetery, their violent lives marked by a single headstone tablet coldly displaying the name, date of birth through the date they died.


There are many mothers and their children who are living their lives without violence because they had a plan to get out of their toxic and abusive relationship. Some enlisted an army of friends, neighbors and relatives, others, by shear will and determination, got out, but you will not ever read about them, they are safe. Some packed their bags and made a new life for themselves across country, others did not stray very far from familiar territory and yet were still able to rebuild their lives.

So why are we seeing bloodshed at epidemic proportions? What are those victims who are being killed doing wrong? And what are those who remain alive doing correctly?

Are the women who are murdered along with their children assisted by a society of pure ignorance when it pertains to domestic violence and intimate partner homicide? Look around folks, you cannot pick up a paper or turn on the news without hearing how another woman was murdered by someone they new intimately. You can't help but read nasty comments on the internet, not from strangers, but, often by friends and realtives who knew both the victim and the abuser, trying to defend the actions of a cold blooded killer, and blaming a victim because she filed for divorce or took the children. Has anyone ever asked the question, "why?" Or is it easier to turn our backs and call victims liars or drama queens even after they or their innocent children are murdered? The phrase "shame on you" (I have a different phase more along the lines W.T.F. but I cannot use it here) to all Americans comes to mind especially when I know in 80% of these tragedies the victims did not have to die. They would still be alive if not for human ignorance. I do not have enough posts to list all those who are dead, but, if I did, it would surpass those killed in both the Vietnam and Iraq war combined.

American soldiers are properly trained and given weapons as they fight and go into battle for our country. Victims of violence during their battle are often given little more then lip service from the legal system and society.

For those who got out of the stalking and domestic violence relationships, do not think for one minute they have or had it easy. These victims swallowed their dose of being beaten and raped within an inch of their lives, not knowing from one moment to the next what their abuser or former partner was going to do to them or their children. Somehow they made it through to see a new sunrise the next morning, and many began, after the beatings and verbal threats against them, a plan to exist in their toxic environments with their lives. It was not easy as many of these women who came and tried before them did not make it and let's remember where those victims are, dead. But, many abuse victims who are now alive had help, be it a shelter for women, a church, an attorney who took favor on them representing them in their divorce or custody case for little or no charge. Or in some situations, they were able to get hold of advocates like me.

With all my heart and soul I would like to believe that someone is listening. Someone cares about the number of murders wreaking havoc in America on the lives of innocent victims of violence, not always women, men too, and are ready to be part of a revolution demanding that the victims of this war be given a level playing field to fight and stay alive. I, for one, am tired of singing in a choir where the lives of victims murdered out weighs the millions of Americans' who are able to be a voice and sing loudly for effective change.

Been there, done that…” Susan Murphy- Milano has turned a tired phrase into demonstrable realism through the gift of her newly published book, "TIME'S UP: A GUIDE ON HOW TO LEAVE AND SURVIVE ABUSIVE AND STALKING RELATIONSHIPS

"The House on Gilmore Street"

By Susan Murphy Milano

The front lawn of the house was filled with autumn leaves. The windows were covered with handmade decorations the children made of pumpkins, turkeys, indian's and pilgrams. For the two young boys who once lived in the house on Gilmore street, fall was their favorite time of year. The boys ages 9 and 7 loved to roll around and play in the leaves before it was time to rake them up and fill the trash bags. They also knew the holidays were drawing near. Thanksgiving couldn't come fast enough because they knew Christmas was not far behind and for the boys that meant Santa Claus and lots of presents under the tree.

But things would be very different this year. The house on Gilmore street was not decorated and the autum leaves, undisturbed, except when a wind came to blow and scatter them to a different spot on the lawn. The house even as I drove past was different, dark with one large silver trash can sitting at the base of the driveway instead of the usual three filled to its' brim waiting for its scheduled pick-up on garbage day. There were no decorations on the windows and the only light you could see was at the far end of the house.

This will be the first of many holidays without her two boys, Jack and Duncan for their mother, Amy Lichtenberg. Their lives were taken away abruptly by a mans anger and rage. In the aftermath of a heated and contested divorce, the boys father during a court order visitation would, under protest, from Amy for the boys safety, be under a judge's order to allow unsupervised weekend visits.


The last time Amy saw her two boys alive, that motherly instinct took over and she knew something was not right. The father of the boys was acting strange when they met at the police station for the exchange of Jack and Duncan. Amy refused to hand over her boys on March 7, 2009, an officer threatened her if she didn't give them to their father, she would be arrested for not complying with a judge's according to her lawyer.

Remarkably, Amy Leichtenberg, under the circumstances is doing fairly well for a mother who just lost her entire world. When she and I talk she says " I will not let that monster who destroyed my life, win. That's what he wanted you know, (she says with great conviction) , he thought without my kids I would wither and die. Well I hope he is rotting in hell someplace for what he did and I am going to make each day on earth count, for my kids. For other parents so they won''t have to endure what I have. I am going to get laws past so that a person who is not mentally stable like their father was, has no access to children. The same way a predator is dealt within the justice system and denyed contact with children."

In an hour long radio interview back in September, Amy provided hope, strength and determination for those facing difficult custody battles with the court system. Frankly, I had a difficult time remaining composed as I asked very personal and painful questions of a mother whom had lost her children just a few short months before the interview.

The house on Gilmore street will never again hear the laughter of children. A mother will never wait in the kitchen as the kids run in after school only to run out again and play before it gets dark. This mother will never prepare another favorite meal of macaroni and cheese let alone a holiday feast. Those days are gone. The lights that once burned brightly from within this house, are now but a memory.

I thought it would be a nice idea if people reading this could take a moment and send an inspiring email or words of comfort to this remarkable mother, who needs for all of us to keep her in our daily prayers. Emails to Amy can be sent to our address here: timesupblog@gmail.com and we will forward them on to her.


Interview with Amy Leichtenberg

Mothers and Daughters of Abuse

By: Cherry Simpson

I am the mother of Regan Martin a spousal rape and abuse victim. Her story entitled “One woman's struggle to escape abuse”, by reporter Megan Twohey, was on the front page of the Chicago Tribune on Nov 11, 2008. It’s a story full of pain, fear, hope to escape and most of all the truth. (Update)

How did the Chicago Tribune become interested in Regan’s case? A friend introduced me to Susan Murphy-Milano a DV advocate/author - the child of a batterer - her father, a police officer, murdered her mother. Susan got the Tribune interested in Regan’s case. I was a mother desperate to save my daughter. Susan was a daughter who could not save her mother. Susan taught me helping others helps you.

Susan also knew the in and outs of the justice system. She acted as my daughter’s advocate, going to court with her, counseling her, and she helped make a video to serve as testimony if Regan’s ex did take her life. We successfully got a GPS put on him upon his release from prison in 2008. Susan also made sure, when Regan’s ex violated the OP a 3rd and 4th time, that he was prosecuted “fully”, picked up by his parole agent and rearrested. Thankfully he is now back in prison until 1/2/2010.

Since then Regan has reached out to help others by writing to the Survivor Blog on the National Domestic Violence Hotline. She has been working on inviting a piece of legislature, which would stop sex offenders from plea-bargaining out of sex offender status. (Spousal Rape Laws Continue to Evolve).

We need move education and awareness of the overwhelming problems of domestic violence. Families and friends need to actively advocate for their battered loved ones. Instead of judging or blaming a battered woman for staying or taking him back. Many are convinced they are safer if they stay. Some go back numerous times.

I now ask why isn't domestic violence thought of and treated like torture? They both have the recognizable profile of imprisonment, detention, enforced isolation, extreme physical and mental abuse and some end in death. Mothers and daughters are raped, beaten, burned, deprived of sleep, food and human contact. Its purpose is to break her. What she learns in order to survive can make living later unbearable, causing post-traumatic stress even suicide years later. We need not ask, “What led you to become a member of this concentration camp?” We just need to help them escape.

I am often asked, “When will this be over?” I think of it the same way I would of a terminal illness. I do not believe we will ever be free of him until he dies. I pray the courts stop allowing batterers the right to kill their families, as in the Leichtenberg boy’s case; it is obvious these cases have reached a critical mass. (See number of DV deaths.)

What can I do to help them? I lend my support and help her to be strong and diligent in her pursuit of a normal life. I encourage her to prosecute the abuser every time he violates the law. I give her love unconditionally, share my faith with her and look for the joy God gives us everyday. Get involved you might save a life.