W.T. F. - Can We Please Stop The Bloodshed!

By Susan Murphy-Milano

As I sip my coffee with cream, pecking away on my computer, reading the bloodshed in the headlines, I am split between those whom you will never read about because they got out of their abusive and violent relationships, and those whose permanent residence is now in a cemetery, their violent lives marked by a single headstone tablet coldly displaying the name, date of birth through the date they died.


There are many mothers and their children who are living their lives without violence because they had a plan to get out of their toxic and abusive relationship. Some enlisted an army of friends, neighbors and relatives, others, by shear will and determination, got out, but you will not ever read about them, they are safe. Some packed their bags and made a new life for themselves across country, others did not stray very far from familiar territory and yet were still able to rebuild their lives.

So why are we seeing bloodshed at epidemic proportions? What are those victims who are being killed doing wrong? And what are those who remain alive doing correctly?

Are the women who are murdered along with their children assisted by a society of pure ignorance when it pertains to domestic violence and intimate partner homicide? Look around folks, you cannot pick up a paper or turn on the news without hearing how another woman was murdered by someone they new intimately. You can't help but read nasty comments on the internet, not from strangers, but, often by friends and realtives who knew both the victim and the abuser, trying to defend the actions of a cold blooded killer, and blaming a victim because she filed for divorce or took the children. Has anyone ever asked the question, "why?" Or is it easier to turn our backs and call victims liars or drama queens even after they or their innocent children are murdered? The phrase "shame on you" (I have a different phase more along the lines W.T.F. but I cannot use it here) to all Americans comes to mind especially when I know in 80% of these tragedies the victims did not have to die. They would still be alive if not for human ignorance. I do not have enough posts to list all those who are dead, but, if I did, it would surpass those killed in both the Vietnam and Iraq war combined.

American soldiers are properly trained and given weapons as they fight and go into battle for our country. Victims of violence during their battle are often given little more then lip service from the legal system and society.

For those who got out of the stalking and domestic violence relationships, do not think for one minute they have or had it easy. These victims swallowed their dose of being beaten and raped within an inch of their lives, not knowing from one moment to the next what their abuser or former partner was going to do to them or their children. Somehow they made it through to see a new sunrise the next morning, and many began, after the beatings and verbal threats against them, a plan to exist in their toxic environments with their lives. It was not easy as many of these women who came and tried before them did not make it and let's remember where those victims are, dead. But, many abuse victims who are now alive had help, be it a shelter for women, a church, an attorney who took favor on them representing them in their divorce or custody case for little or no charge. Or in some situations, they were able to get hold of advocates like me.

With all my heart and soul I would like to believe that someone is listening. Someone cares about the number of murders wreaking havoc in America on the lives of innocent victims of violence, not always women, men too, and are ready to be part of a revolution demanding that the victims of this war be given a level playing field to fight and stay alive. I, for one, am tired of singing in a choir where the lives of victims murdered out weighs the millions of Americans' who are able to be a voice and sing loudly for effective change.

Been there, done that…” Susan Murphy- Milano has turned a tired phrase into demonstrable realism through the gift of her newly published book, "TIME'S UP: A GUIDE ON HOW TO LEAVE AND SURVIVE ABUSIVE AND STALKING RELATIONSHIPS

Making a Mark in Life

By Cherry Simpson

Being a victim of crime leaves it’s mark on one’s life. Crime is on the nightly news, written about in books and on Blog Talk Radio. But you can’t walk into the Hallmark Store and find a card that says Sorry for your Rape, or Sympathy for the Murder of your Child.

Now-a-days almost nothing is taboo in conversation, except it seems the subject of being a victim of crime. Many victims hide as they are ashamed and are often blamed for the crime committed against them. 

The Crime Clock tells us it happens every 18 seconds, so we don’t have to look hard or very far to find a victim of crime, it does not discriminate, touching all ages, genders, creeds, and races. Whether it be murder, rape, assault, child or elder abuse, DV, or theft. Victim’s are in your church, your class at school, at work, in your neighborhood, even in your family.

When my daughter became a victim. I looked for someone - anyone who could understand and help. I sought help from a therapist a wonderful man whom we lovingly call Dr J, he helped us through many frightening and difficult times. With the ever growing crime statistics and the massive increase in human suffering Dr J will never be out of work.  He explained it’s difficult for those not effected by crime to have empathy and sympathy for victims. 

I’d like to see that change and I have often thought education to be the best way to do that. 

But how?

Earning High Marks

My husband, Larry Simpson, is a university professor, and he showed me a way. 

He teaches art and in one of his drawing classes he developed an assignment in which he had his students draw themselves and what their relationships are to the rest of their family. The drawings were large in size 4’ x 6’ and were the beginning of teaching more than just how to draw. 

In one drawing a young woman depicts a house which has a tree growing through it, like a weed, destroying all in it. The tree represents her alcoholic father. In each room is another family member, they are all being hurt by this monster. 

Another student was from Nigeria and he draws a hut, in which lies his entire family, all brutally murdered the student has drawn himself running away. He is the Nigerian silver metal winner of the Olympics. He says this is how he learned to run...for his life. 

Another woman from Iran also draws her family being killed and her new life in the US. 

There are numerous stories and drawings which tell the stories of murder, rape, child abuse, addiction, domestic violence, the list gets longer each semester. The class has grown in popularity, many students request over-rides. 

I have been very impressed by the stories my husband shares with me. Many of the students have thanked my husband for the opportunity to share their stories.  Some students, fortunate enough to not have been victimized, thank him for opening their eyes. 

He’s not only teaching them how to draw but how to share the pain and suffering. They have given each other the gift of empathy and sympathy for victim’s of crime. 

It’s art therapy - making a mark in this world in a special way.

Make A Statement - Fight For A Cure

By Cherry Simpson

When I first saw these words they were in reference to cancer, a disease, which can be life threatening but in light of medical advancement and deterrents, cancer rates are dropping.

But we can’t say the same about domestic violence, we need to ask “why not?’ Shouldn’t law reflect reality? My thoughts go to my daughter Regan Martin and her struggle to escape abuse; she is a spousal rape and abuse survivor. 

Wouldn’t it be nice if the justice system supported domestic violence victims with the same love and understanding the medical community shows a cancer victim? Undergoing chemotherapy is scary and so is going to court. But there’s no TLC for victims’ in court

.

My daughter spent hours at the Will County Courthouse (where accused wife murderer Drew Peterson is regularly seen) in front of Judge Schoenbecht. She spent months and lots money going to court, the defense routinely impugned her character, and the cost was hers to bear. Hard to believe, in America, it is the victim who is put on trial and sentenced - criminal and victim rights hang in an ugly imbalance.

Victim’s Impact Statement 

On Nov 18, 2008 we sat waiting, on a hard wooden bench, in the hall outside room 405 of Will County Court.  This day Regan had help, her pro-bono victim’s attorney Rachel Morse, and her victim’s advocate Susan Murphy-Milano, her grandmother and I were there to support her.  The DA read the lethality assessment done by Harvard Law Professor Diane Rosenfeld. The court was given a letter written by the Cindy Bischof Foundation and other supporting documents.

It was time for the truth. I was sworn in and with great emotion and pain in my voice I read Regan’s Victim’s Impact Statement. I remember how quiet it became as I read. From the stand I could see the convicted felon, inmate R58888, in his blue jumpsuit, his chains rattling as he shifted in his chair. Behind him sat his mother, sister and grandma. I saw tears in the eye of the court reporter. I saw love on my daughter’s face as I spoke her words.

The VIS was also sent to the probation officer assigned to do the pre-sentencing report in the weeks prior to sentencing and the Prison Review Board after sentencing. The victim can frequently significantly influence the sentencing and probation. 

The Victim’s Impact Statement helps to balance the scales of justice for victims of abuse.

Mothers and Daughters of Abuse

By: Cherry Simpson

I am the mother of Regan Martin a spousal rape and abuse victim. Her story entitled “One woman's struggle to escape abuse”, by reporter Megan Twohey, was on the front page of the Chicago Tribune on Nov 11, 2008. It’s a story full of pain, fear, hope to escape and most of all the truth. (Update)

How did the Chicago Tribune become interested in Regan’s case? A friend introduced me to Susan Murphy-Milano a DV advocate/author - the child of a batterer - her father, a police officer, murdered her mother. Susan got the Tribune interested in Regan’s case. I was a mother desperate to save my daughter. Susan was a daughter who could not save her mother. Susan taught me helping others helps you.

Susan also knew the in and outs of the justice system. She acted as my daughter’s advocate, going to court with her, counseling her, and she helped make a video to serve as testimony if Regan’s ex did take her life. We successfully got a GPS put on him upon his release from prison in 2008. Susan also made sure, when Regan’s ex violated the OP a 3rd and 4th time, that he was prosecuted “fully”, picked up by his parole agent and rearrested. Thankfully he is now back in prison until 1/2/2010.

Since then Regan has reached out to help others by writing to the Survivor Blog on the National Domestic Violence Hotline. She has been working on inviting a piece of legislature, which would stop sex offenders from plea-bargaining out of sex offender status. (Spousal Rape Laws Continue to Evolve).

We need move education and awareness of the overwhelming problems of domestic violence. Families and friends need to actively advocate for their battered loved ones. Instead of judging or blaming a battered woman for staying or taking him back. Many are convinced they are safer if they stay. Some go back numerous times.

I now ask why isn't domestic violence thought of and treated like torture? They both have the recognizable profile of imprisonment, detention, enforced isolation, extreme physical and mental abuse and some end in death. Mothers and daughters are raped, beaten, burned, deprived of sleep, food and human contact. Its purpose is to break her. What she learns in order to survive can make living later unbearable, causing post-traumatic stress even suicide years later. We need not ask, “What led you to become a member of this concentration camp?” We just need to help them escape.

I am often asked, “When will this be over?” I think of it the same way I would of a terminal illness. I do not believe we will ever be free of him until he dies. I pray the courts stop allowing batterers the right to kill their families, as in the Leichtenberg boy’s case; it is obvious these cases have reached a critical mass. (See number of DV deaths.)

What can I do to help them? I lend my support and help her to be strong and diligent in her pursuit of a normal life. I encourage her to prosecute the abuser every time he violates the law. I give her love unconditionally, share my faith with her and look for the joy God gives us everyday. Get involved you might save a life.