Grieving is Hard.

By Anne Peterson

We all love clubs. Clubs enable us to belong to something bigger than ourselves.

When my sister Peggy Dianovsky was killed I became part of a club I never wanted to join; those who have lost a loved one to homicide.

Support is needed when going through difficult times. So I began looking for a grief group to attend. I found the people there very nice and warm but my situation was quite different. My sister had been missing for over twenty years so my grief was complicated. When I shared with the group that she had been killed I felt an invisible wall between me and the others around me. A couple of women had lost their husbands, while another member lost her father and was really struggling. Our losses were so different.

Then I heard about a homicide group that met once a month in Kane County Courthouse. I remember feeling uncomfortable as I was checked before I entered the courtroom. Laying my purse on the conveyor belt and removing my jacket became a regular thing each month. Deciding to attend those meetings was one of the wisest decisions I have ever made. That group was a life saver to me. In the 3 years I attended that group, I really cared about those in the group. Month after month we shared anniversary dates, apprehension we felt about upcoming birth dates of our loved ones, or our dread for the approaching holidays. I sat with people whose lives had been disrupted much like mine, losing a loved one to a violent death.

A different attorney was present at each meeting available to answer any legal general questions we might have. Many of our fears were assuaged as we gathered pertinent information. Those who had gone through the court experience were able to help those who would soon be experiencing it in coming months.
Dr. Brown, a Psychiatrist facilitated each meeting, encouraging us to talk about out loved ones. It was a safe place to do our hurting. A place we felt no judgment, or pressure to hurry up and get on with our lives. Also attending was the victim advocate for Kane County. You felt safe there. Like you could talk if you wanted to, or just sit there and quietly listen without pressure.

When a love one dies, one common fear is that he /she will be forgotten. Those meetings provided a place where we knew that wouldn’t happen.

I’m so thankful for that homicide group. Each town should have one. I did a lot of healing in that group. There was no pretense. I truly felt honored to sit and cry with other members in the group. Some would come in overcome with grief and did not know how to move on. Those of us who had been coming for a while encouraged those who were new. We were merely a handful of people trying to put one foot in front of the other.

One night we were told to bring pictures of our loved ones. One by one we talked about what our loved ones meant to us as they passed around our beloved pictures. It binded us even closer together.

If you are have lost someone to a violent crime, or your loved one is missing, find a group that can support you. And if you can’t find one, then start one. It really does lighten the load you are trying to carry.

Grieving is an interesting process. While attending a Hospice-sponsored grief seminar given by Tom Reardon, I learned that there are two types of grievers. There is an emotional griever who talks a lot of their grief out. There is also an instrumental griever. Instrumental grievers work out their grief by doing something. Reardon gave the illustration of a father who had lost his son. It was especially hard for the father because when he thought of Mike he remembered the project they didn’t get to work on. It was their dream to build a canoe and then take a canoe trip.

While Reardon talked with the father he asked if he was in a position to take a couple of months off of work. He shared he would be able to do that. Then the counselor encouraged him to do two things.

First, he was to make the canoe that he and his son had talked about. Secondly he was to take that canoe trip. At first, the father wasn’t certain he could even work on that project at all. But, with the encouragement of his counselor he began.

The father was surprised how working on the project gave him such peace. Once the canoe was finished he went on the trip without his son. His time was bittersweet. He enjoyed following through on their dream, thinking about his son every step of the way. This father truly was a perfect example of an instrumental healer.
After my sister Peggy’s trial we planned out a memorial. It was 2004 and she had disappeared in 1982. Still, we secured a church, planned a meal following the service unaware of how many would attend. We created a slide show with precious pictures that commemorated her life. Then we had a family member play “Fur Elise,” a song Peggy used to play on the piano. Afterwards her sons and the four of us each got up and shared what our sister meant to us. Afterwards we drove to the cemetery where our parents are also laid to rest. Standing on her empty grave we once again paused and reflected on Peggy.

Planning the memorial, working on the slideshow and making memorial handouts helped me grieve. While it has helped talking about her, I saw I needed to go further, doing something tangible. I got to do something that showed I loved her.

Grief is difficult. But if we think about it we can find people who can support us in our time of need. Find people you can talk to about your loved one, and if there’s something you can do to help you grieve, then do it.

"Thank My Lucky Scars"

By Susan Murphy-Milano



About a year ago I was on Facebook and one of those instant messages came up on the bottom of my screen. Rarely do I pay attention, for some unknown reason I hit the response button and typed "hello." The person at the other end of cyberspace was a man whom unknown to me at the time, literally, across the country, makes the journey with those in the final hours of their lives. He had a difficult time typing and asked if I would be alright with calling so we could talk on the phone. His voice sounded like a cross between singer Kris Kristofferson and Pastor Rick Warren, with the ease and wisdom that comes with being wiser beyond ones years. We laughed and talked for hours as though we were long lost friends.

Ward was born with multiple birth defects and very little chance of survival. After decades of surgery, years of taunting by classmates, constant ridicule because he was different and humiliation by the outside world most us would not survive, Ward Foley is a remarkable life force like nothing I have ever encountered. Nearly seven days a week Ward Foley begins his day by touching the lives of those whom are in their last hours of life, or visiting a children's hospital talking with a parent or child after a difficult surgery to correct a limb or remove a life threatening tumor. Other days he can be found making the rounds in the hospice wing of hospitals or at the home of a person preparing to die. No matter how he is feeling or what is aching in his own body he journeys out that door because people are counting on him. He remains at the side of those whose families are either non-existent or have already passed on. Ward runs errands, (well he says he does but I know he cannot run as he often jokes) when a patient has a request he finds a way to make certain it happens. Or, in his arms, using his body as a kind of cushion, he holds that precious life up close into his body, gently telling a corny story or talking with them until they take their last breath.

Sandy Kuhlman who is on the Board of Directors for the National Hospice & Palliative Care organization said " Ward has limitless wisdom, courage, warmth, and humor to share with those facing so many life's major transitions and hardships.

Ward found a "life peace" most of us only dream or read about. His body is covered with scars and he realized that each "scar" was the one thing in his life that brought him closer to the people and experiences that helped others make important transitions in their lives. He does not know the meaning of the word "can't," in fact it's banned from his vocabulary except when he is giving one of his witty speeches.

Ward Foley is also the author of the book "Thank My Lucky Stars" a book that once you read it you actually forget your own troubles. It is an amazingly inspiring book that will make you laugh (even when you don't feel like it) and for me that is a huge achievement. A portion of the proceeds are donated to Hospice. It's Ward's way of doing something indirectly for those he does not have the opportunity to meet or help with during end of life care. His previous book needs to be mentioned to let you know what kind of extraordinary man Ward Foley is. It's title is: "God Didn't Me Me A Woman Because I Had Enough Problems."

He uses what others might view as an obstacle, providing human compassion, hope, love and laughter, spreading his message of "I can do anything" and so "can you" taking his scars that he wears on the outside and somehow shows us the importance of removing those we carry with us on the inside.

Ward Foley is a blessing to so many-I am humbled to call him my friend!