Purpose Driven

by Lavinia Masters

Sometimes in life we find ourselves so stressed out and overwhelmed with our circumstances that we become just plain exhausted from trying to continue on especially after so many problems, issues and trauma. In our minds we began to wonder why are we here…what is life really about…was I designed to live, work hard-only to die one day without anything or defining my life’s worth or ever knowing my true purpose.

As a person you realize that you have tears but why do we shed them…are they only to be shed for pains and sorrow or will we ever get to the point where we will shed them for joy. Then I realized that we all have feelings but why do we hold them in…are they apart of us to be hurt and to only experience some of the most excruciating pain or traumas that this life can bring or will we ever use them to experience joy and laughter or that type of love that is unprejudiced and unconditional.

Defining our life and purpose can be like an open dictionary as for many of us it has so many descriptive words with various meanings. To others is a tedious journey as they set out to discover who and what they are…why they feel the way they do or experience the things they have encountered-it appears to be a long and winding road that one must continue to travel until they get to their end…which unfortunately many interprets as death. I need to you to understand that life should not always equate to death but should be paralleled with purpose and when we get to this defining moment in our lives we should all ask ourselves…what is my purpose in this thing is called life.

Honestly I feel that my defining moment was that the night of July 31, 1985 when I was brutally raped by the hands of a deranged stranger. I survived that ordeal with many questions, much confusion and major pains physically and emotionally. However as I rose above the ashes of victimization I was like Nehemiah when he said that he saw the distress they were in as Jerusalem lied in waste and the gates thereof were burned of fire as he told them to come and let us build up the walls of Jerusalem that we may be in no more reproach…in other words no more shame.

You see Nehemiah knew that he had purpose and had to build the walls even though he was in great sorrows yet the destruction that was behind him was not greater that the victory that was before him as he realized that life was not over for these walls unless he saw no hope for his future. He recognized that there was no use in “rebuilding” those things that was destroyed but to “build” or start over and pick up where life left him in distress and seek new beginnings.

As victims of sexual violence we too are in great distress. Many of our lives are like the walls of Jerusalem and just as those walls were destroyed so was your confidence, your faith, your passions, your securities, your truths, your laughter, your trust in man and for many your trust in God. The gates that guarded our hearts and minds may have been consumed with the fire of maliciousness and deceitfulness of men hearts but we must build so that there will no more shame in your life.

Please know that the hand of God is upon you and you have to build. You must build so that others will no longer see your brokenness, your agony that comes with defeat, your nakedness as you lie exposed as a victim and not a victor…build with those things that will make you stronger and more secure before your attack.

Once you realize that the God of heaven will prosper you as his servant can build with courage, forgiveness, confidence, empowerment, motivation, faithfulness, hope for your future but most importantly the trust in God that when he said in His word that He will prosper you in your construction…that He will do just that.

Please allow your hands, body, mind and soul to be strengthened so that you may build the walls of your life…the same life that the enemy tried so violently and viciously to destroy as a result of sexual trauma or any other trauma that left you standing alone among the ashes. 

• With purpose you have wings to rise above your ashes and or past hurts. 
• With purpose you have the strength to build no matter your present condition, state or circumstances. With purpose you have the confidence in knowing that one day your life will be restored no matter how long it seems to take. 
• With purpose you continue to love and forgive others no matter what they have done or attempted to do to you. 
• With purpose you build your life over even in the midst of doubters, haters and all the nay-Sayers. With purpose you realize that you can do all things though Christ that strengthens you…but you have to realize and do it with purpose. 

Unfortunately in this old life we will have many things that we will encounter and many hardships that we must endure. Some will be sorrowful and bring us much pain and disappointment while at the same time make us feel that all hope is lost…but we must find our defining moments and realize our purpose in the midst of our pain. This is when you can build; this is the moment you must stand in confidence as you know that God has His hand upon you.

I am sure that Nehemiah wept as he saw the walls and gates of Jerusalem destroyed just as I did for years after I was victimized by my assailant but just as Nehemiah knew that the walls had to be restored- I knew that I had to recover all in my life…therefore my house went under construction. Now that I realize my purpose…the tears I shed are of great joy and gratification. The feelings that I now experience are no longer filled with defeat and pain but of great triumph and victory. I am that Phoenix that rose above the ashes and defined my moment with purpose. Now I look forward to the day that you realize that you are a survivor; define your moment, find your purpose and build your house. Construction is a process and so is your healing.


Lavinia B. Masters is the Founder of S.A.V.E. Ministries which assists victims of sexual abuse and intimate partner violence in the Dallas, TX area, and the author of Breathe Again.

Yes…What DID We Learn From Sandusky Verdict?!?

by Lavinia Masters

I am a subscriber of the Cause, Society Against Child Abuse and every so often I get an email that further enlightens me about the devastating acts of sexual abuse against our children or interesting facts or breaking news of childhood sexual abuse in our society. I normally read through the emails and find myself not really moved by the requests to view, share or add comments to the site as I am convinced that my perspective is the same as everyone else’s and who really cares about my comments anyway.

I know it may be a poor attitude to take especially with me being an advocate against childhood sexual abuse or any sexual violence for that matter but I feel that I could take that same energy and really try to make a positive impact in some victim’s life that has been interrupted by sexual violence. However, today was different as I opened my email that I received from this Cause and it read, “The Jerry Sandusky Verdict: What Have We Learned?” I was like wow, what have we learned from this verdict…what did we take away from this entire ordeal as a society?

Well, I decided I was not going to even open the email as I did not want my personal thoughts or feelings to be altered or influenced by the contributing writer as I knew then that I was to suppose to seize the moment and ask the world exactly what did we learn from this verdict? What did we as a society walk away with as we watched this saga unfold? What hidden lessons were so openly revealed as we watched in anticipation the fate of Jerry Sandusky? I am sure the writer and I share many of the same thoughts maybe even see the same lessons but just in case you do not subscribe to the Cause emails please allow me to enlighten you on one of the most important and valuable lesson that you should have learned from the Sandusky Verdict.

First and one of the most important lessons that you should have taken from all this was that all monsters are not hideous in appearance. Evil does wear many disguises and unfortunately these types of monsters come in the form of those that you know and trust. These monsters are helped created by you as you allow your children to spend more time with this individual than yourself. They share more time with your children in school, extracurricular activities, in their homes and doing all the “fun” things that you don’t have time to do with your child. You allow this person to become your child’s best friend, “adoptive” parent, confidant and then their “secret sharer” and because it appears that you have neglected your own child this monster takes on full form and convinces your child that you are indeed the enemy and they are the friend. They saw the opportunity…they seized the moment and now they preyed upon the weak and unsuspecting.

Although there are monsters that lurk in alleys and dark places waiting on its next victim, unfortunately there are those monsters that not only groom our children to be their next victim, but we as a society also help groom them to become the next monster. We do this by not paying attention to the warning signs that our children clearly display in their presence or how their attitudes or demeanor may have changed. We use to regard our children as our treasure here on earth and would keep them safe and sound locked up in our cute little treasure chest but now we have gotten so busy and so quick to pass our responsibilities off to those that we know and trust that we have literally given them the keys to the chest, and with everyone else having full access to our treasures how are we suppose to effectively guard and protect it? Those things that we deem valuable we should protect at all cost, and I am not saying that we should live in a state of paranoia around those that we trust and love but, I am saying that we should live in a state of awareness around everyone.

I am convinced that when a monster has taken on its full form that it has also acquired an insatiable hunger for the things that has caused it to become a monster and it will not stop until that hunger is fed because unfortunately it will never be satisfied…so just like all other monsters in horror movies…they must be destroyed. When a monster has taken on its full form it does not care who it hurts or the consequences of its destruction. Its hideousness is not seen by the naked eye but is seen in its actions, its victim’s pain and the aftermath of its terror.

I know many may say, but Sandusky was a good man that has done many wonderful things for underprivileged youth in his lifetime… well thank goodness I am not God because I’m not condemning him as a man, but I am condemning his hideous acts and I am seeking to torch the monster that helped destroy so many young men lives. This monster has to be stopped and thank goodness society felt the same way as they delivered a verdict that not only exposed the monster for whom he really was, but gave each victim some sort of relief in knowing that this monster is no longer on the streets terrorizing other unsuspecting and innocent young men.

So now that I have given you my perspective on this verdict and the saga behind the Sandusky drama…tell me… what did YOU learn? 

Lavinia Masters is the Founder of S.A.V.E Ministry, a survivor of childhood sexual assault, a speaker for RAINN, and a faithful advocate. She has appeared on all major news network shows, has been instrumental in passing legislation in Texas, and is the author of "Breathe Again." SaveMinistry.Org 

“Still Breathing”

by Lavinia Masters

Amazing how those things that you use to bring you shame and great fear now is seen as a badge of honor and courage and your life’s purpose. Imagine living in darkness and silence for so long that you actually believe that you can’t physically see or speak. I never knew that darkness and silence could be so loud that your vision of life would be obscured and your very voice muted.

Being alone in darkness and not being able to scream is no fun for anyone especially a child. A place where your imagination run wild as you know that there are monsters lurking over your very head and if you dared turned the lights on to expose them that the fear of their snarling faces is greater than that fear of the unknown. Now you remain silent because you fear that if you speak or scream about those things that lurk in the dark that they will hear you and cause you great harm maybe even death.

How foolish it was to remain silent for so long but the fear that if you speak on these things in your darkness that the world would then judge, blame and ridicule you for trying to bring such things as sexual abuse/assault to the light. Here is where your screams go unheard, your tears unseen and your fears remain unknown…in darkness and in silence.

When in darkness you make many mistakes. You will find yourself bumping into and offending those that are just there to try and help you onto your road of recovery yet you knock them out of the way because you can’t see the obvious. Falling into ditches becomes common for you but could have been avoided as you could not see the many hands and signs that was there to warn or guide you along your way. Finally falling down and failing to get back up has become your greatest defeat because you fail to see that there is still good in others and many was sent by God to help you get back up again.

No one can listen to what they cannot hear. If you don’t scream how can anyone know that you are afraid. If no one can hear your cries how can you expect for someone to come to your rescue. If you don’t speak how are others to know that you exist and that you have been hurt and care about what you have to say. I’ve learned and have shared on numerous occasions that silence can be your demise as you continue to hold all the negativity of sexual trauma within it can be the same as inhaling and holding poisonous gases in your body.

As you remain silent the poison not only destroys you internally but it begins to leak on the outside and destroys you externally. Now you have a form of cancer destroying your inner being and a form of leprosy disfiguring your outer appearance and alienating you from the world. Your attitude changes, your mood swings back and forth from negative to unenthusiastic. Depression creeps in more that you care to admit then finally it finds a permanent place of residence within your mental state. Medically you could be diagnosed bi-polar or manic depression but spiritually I believe that your diagnosis is that you are in need of a healing.

Sometimes coming out of the darkness and breaking the silence is a matter of opening your mouth and stepping out on faith to share your testimony with others. Telling the world that fear has no more dominion over you and the sexual trauma that occurred in your life will no longer keep you in bondage. You must have a desire to be courageous…you must have a desire to be free but most importantly must have a desire to be healed.

Lavinia Masters is the Founder of S.A.V.E Ministry, a survivor of childhood sexual assault, a speaker for RAINN, and a faithful advocate. She has appeared on all major news network shows, has been instrumental in passing legislation in Texas, and is the author of "Breathe Again." SaveMinistry.Org

Disturbia

By Lavinia Masters

There was a movie that came out in theaters May 2004, entitled Van Helsing. It was an American action horror film and a great film if I may add. The synopsis of the movie was that Van Helsing was a notorious monster hunter sent to Transylvania to stop Count Dracula who is using Dr. Frankenstein’s research and a werewolf for his sinister purpose. However the disturbing thing about me enjoying this movie is that even as a child I have always had a crippling fear of werewolves.

My fear for this half human-half monster was so great that the thought of me being outside on a full moon after midnight…was not an option. I even remember the time when my son was only 3 years old and I purchased him paisley curtains and bed covers because I felt that it was time for his room to reflect the big boy that he was. Well about the third night he woke up screaming and hollering there were werewolves in his curtains and in his bedcovers as he pointed to the detailed designs of the burgundy and blue paisley that I once loved and could not sleep in his room for the rest of the night. Needless to say the next morning the curtains, covers and bed sheets all had to be returned the next day not just for his fears but mine. How in the world did this child know my hidden fears? I never expressed this to him or around him…mainly because I did not want him to see my weakness but especially because I did not want him to develop the same fears. Although I still wrestle with whether or not werewolves really exist…you will not find me outdoors, after midnight when there is a full moon.

Last night I watched this movie again...in its entirety… alone as I was preparing the details of my annual “balloon release” in my continued efforts of raising awareness, education and empowerment to victims of sexual violence. I then began to read this blog about these two young girls out of the Houston area that was gang raped and killed in the early 90’s. The gory details of how these gang members attacked these girls as they walked home… were very upsetting and disturbing to me. I later found myself going off to sleep but before I did…I prayed for two things…one was that it be revealed to me why I am so disturbed with the thought of werewolves and two that the families of these young girls have peace after such tragedies and that the deaths of these two young victims were not in vain.

I woke up in the middle of the night sweating and kicking because of the dream that I was having. In my dream I was being chased and attacked by a gang that was trying to rape me. I remember that no one heard my screams as if everyone had purposely turned a deaf ear to me. There were people all around but no one reached out to help me as if they refused to see my danger. They locked their doors…they turned their heads and they continued to move on as if they did not see or care about my distress or immediate danger. I was devastated…how could people be so heartless in my time of need. How can others not care about anyone else but themselves especially when they are in need? Then the last question I asked myself…why was it a gang of men that was chasing me and not werewolves?

I sat up in my bed and just like the dawn of a new morning it came to me so clearly why I had the fear of man eating werewolves. My mind went back to the night before my grandmother’s funeral in ’81…all the children were over at my cousin's house in Waco, Texas and we were watching “American Werewolf in London”. Note my grandmother never allowed me to watch any kind of horror movies and pretty much shielded me from anything gross, violent or “unnecessary foolishness” as she called it. However if my cousins or big brother did happen to let me sneak a movie that I was not suppose to see…I knew that my “Maam-Maw” would be right there to protect me because she was not afraid of anyone or anything…not even a werewolf. However, as I went off to bed that night in ’81 another reality had sunk in…my granny would no longer there for me. So here I am almost 40 years later…just now understanding that I am associating my grandmother’s death with the terror of werewolves.

This is how I was able to so easily place myself in the nightmare of being gang raped by these young women's attackers...the protection and comfort that I would normally find in my grandmothers arms was no longer there. I was able to identify with the sudden terror of being taken away from loved ones and being attacked and mutilated only for the midnight hour to hear your silent screams. I had personally been there when I begged and pleaded for mercy and for the pain to stop but it seemed to have no end. I wanted help but no one heard or understood my cries…their ears were like those born deaf and their eyes were as if they were given sight without vision…and no one knew the words to comfort me or would use their voice to speak for me. Rape had become my werewolf and my flesh was not all that it wanted to destroy.

Before I went back to sleep last night I was grateful that I was able to overcome and heal from my own personal trauma from sexual violence but I also made a decree that werewolves will no longer disturb me after midnight, because I have the power to slay these half man-half monsters. I also have the power to make sure that these two young victims’ deaths will never be in vain because I will continue to be the eyes to see when things are wrong and need change when it comes to bringing justice to sexual violence…ears to hears the cries and fear of the victims when they cry for help and assistance after sexual trauma… and the voice that will speak out and against all sexual violence.

My grandmother may not be here in body but her spirit lives on. She has taught me many things at such an early age…one thing was that God did not give us a spirit of fear but of peace and a sound mind. I have to be courageous so that I may continue to slay the “werewolves” that prey upon and violate the innocent. This calling is not designated for one month out of the year but for every second out of a minute…there is a full moon rising…its late in the evening and there is much work for us to do. We have got to ask God to give us back our hearing, sight and voices…we need them so we can rescue victims that fall into sexual trauma. These type of occurrences have to be disturbing to you…we have to say enough is enough! We can’t willingly and knowingly continue to allow our children to be sexually abused by those that they are suppose to trust…we can’t continue to let innocent lives be snatched away like a vapor…we must hear their silent screams…we have to see their hidden pain and fears but most importantly we have to give them back their voice by speaking up and out against sexual violence!

I’m not asking you to become Van Helsing but I am asking you to wake up…someone has to work the night shift.

Lavinia Masters is the Founder of S.A.V.E. Ministry and has worked extensively with sexual assault and rape victims, assisting them towards healing.  She has spoken out on CNN and other news outlets, as well as at conferences globally about the need for quick response with DNA and rape kit testing results.

“Ghostbusters”

By Lavinia Masters

There are many questions and issues that arise when it comes to processing some of these "cold-case" rape kits that sit on the shelves by thousands all over the country. One of the issues that come up is that some of the victims knew their assailants...personally I do not understand how that concern can even arise especially since you have the evidence to rule out if that crime actually occurred as well as the opportunity to see if the assailant has a pattern of violating others or if they're the "missing link" to other unsolved rape cases. Then the one concern that cuts to the core of my soul every time I hear it is the concern over the cost and who will pay for it. I am disturbed when this is mentioned because you cannot put a price tag on the restoration of a victim after something as heinous as sexual assault has occurred. I am convinced that human life is worth more than $1,000 dollars, I am convinced that a victim's sanity is priceless...I am convinced because I was that victim at the age of 13 brutally raped in my home and not knowing who my attacker was for over 20 years...I was the one that lived in constant fear and paranoia because I did not know if he did in fact know my family and was lying in wait to attack and kill me like he promised on July 31, 1985.

Living as a victim of sexual assault, I had many ghosts that haunted me on a daily basis for over 20 years and although many were defeated by my faith and the grace of God; the ghost of the "unknown" or not knowing my perpetrator continued to haunt me. As you may or may not know that it is a traditional belief that a ghost is a soul or spirit of a dead person or animal that can appear in visible form or another manifestation to the living. Ghosts are generally described as solitary essesences that haunt particular locations, objects or people they were associated with in life. The summer before my assault there was a summer blockbuster that was released on June 8, 1984 entitled, "Ghostbusters". This movie later turned out to be one of my favorite all time movies- the basic plot of this movie was that 3 unemployed parapsychology professors set up shop as a unique ghost removal service. Then fast forward to May 2005; a determined Sergeant of the Dallas Police Department along with a compassionate victim coordinator and their associates set up shop with a unique ghost removal service as well. The ghosts they decided to remove were the ghosts of a victims pain...the ghosts of depression, confusion, bitterness, strife, anger but mainly the ghost of not knowing whom a victims assailant was...and the weapon that destroyed these ghosts...was the weapon of DNA!

As I write this piece I know that there are many Ghostbusters reading this...there are doctors, lawyers, judges, SANE nurses, victim coordinators, law enforcement, victim advocates, media, etc. You must realize that we not only have a powerful such as DNA to help destroy these ghosts of victims past but you have the heart, compassion, purpose and obligation to promote healing and restoration in a victim’s life as well as raise awareness to the public about DNA.

So if anyone ever asks you why police should take the time, money and effort to evaluate and re-open these "cold-case" sexual assaults....tell them my story…because I ain’t afraid of no ghost anymore!



Lavinia Masters

No More Drama!

By Lavinia Masters

Sometimes in order to help others you have to share some of your deepest and darkest secrets about yourself. Even if they didn’t start out or intended to be secrets. Sometimes they are the very things that we are all afraid of…some of our darkest fears. Those very things that you once figured that if anyone would ever find out that it would not only humiliate and embarrass you but possibly discredit your image and character forever. An image that you tried so hard to keep respected in the public eye and a character that you maintained to appear to be more “precious” than rubies to all.   

You fear these secrets because they take you to a too familiar place…the unknown. In your heart you figure that if one word about your past behaviors is uttered that you would be totally ashamed. If others really knew how you carried yourself in certain situations or some of the thoughts that you had when you were out of “touch” then others would definitely look at you differently. You worked hard to be that woman in Proverbs 31; that virtuous one or that righteous man in Psalms 37:30…now you have to maintain.

How can you consciously handle people smiling in your face and laughing and talking behind your back? It shouldn’t even be an afterthought when we begin to realize that people will begin to do this without knowing your secrets. Those very same people that “gawk” at our past hold some very dark and dirty secrets themselves. No one is perfect. Even though some secrets are not even our burdens to bear because we had no control over what transpired in the first place.

Unfortunately we all have skeletons in our closets. Skeletons that we oftentimes try to bury so deep that they turn into demons that later come back to terrorize and haunt us. These once hidden secrets turned demons can prevent us from moving forward in your lives mentally, psychologically, spiritually and sometimes even physically. It is almost too late before you realize that you are living a life that is only a shell of your true being. You are a figment of your own imagination. You are living a lie.

Although it is sometimes hard to comprehend at first you finally understand that it is a reality. Sometimes when we hoard or try to conceal our secrets of our past we begin to deceive ourselves and others. We find ourselves beginning to lie through our everyday speech and actions just to save our image. We continue to cover up and withhold truths about ourselves and portray someone or some being that is not real. The very secrets that have haunted us for so long, the ones that humiliated us can ultimately overcome and destroy us. Now I can almost understand why the Bible says “that a liar will not tarry in Gods’ sight” or in other words He will not tolerate nor accept one…a liar. For we are not even being honest with ourselves and others so how can we expect to be honest with God?

I had a secret. A secret that was so dirty and so shameful that I just knew that I had it etched into my forehead. A secret that I did not even have a reason to conceal but I did. A secret that was caused by another but it only seemed to directly affect me. I carried the guilt. I carried the shame and ultimately I began to live a lie. This secret turned into one of my most challenging demons even though the offense was against me. Pretending to be ok when I was not… was a lie. Laughing and smiling on the outside while tears drowned my heart and soul on the inside was miserable.

I lived a life of lies and deception for so long that I not only began to hate myself but others. I would sometimes scream to the top of my lungs because I wanted so bad for the real me to emerge. However I was too shameful and the pain and agony of my secret cut deep like a knife. I hated that I could no longer express my true feelings by words or trust in others like I use to do. The beautiful smile, the winning personality and the manner able young lady was all a cover up.

I was angry and I was bitter. I despised people… especially men. I hated everyone I knew and because I was damaged by another it was my goal to hurt those that crossed up my path. My life here on earth and my very existence was in question daily and I was damaged goods. Yes, I lived a lie and I was a liar and alone I dwelled because no one wants to knowingly join crazy in a crazy world.

I carried a demon of malice from childhood to adulthood and because I allowed myself to wallow in my sorrows for so long my heart had become calloused. I crippled my own self. I lived in pity; I lived in a world of confusion. You could speak English clearly and it would all translate into Swahili to me. What was normal to me was abnormal to all and what was normal to others was totally idiotic to me.

The state that I was in was all because of the shameful secret of sexual assault that turned demonic but by the grace of God I finally decided that the day has come that I declare no more drama in my life.