By Lavinia Masters
Sometimes in order to help others you have to share some of your deepest and darkest secrets about yourself. Even if they didn’t start out or intended to be secrets. Sometimes they are the very things that we are all afraid of…some of our darkest fears. Those very things that you once figured that if anyone would ever find out that it would not only humiliate and embarrass you but possibly discredit your image and character forever. An image that you tried so hard to keep respected in the public eye and a character that you maintained to appear to be more “precious” than rubies to all.
You fear these secrets because they take you to a too familiar place…the unknown. In your heart you figure that if one word about your past behaviors is uttered that you would be totally ashamed. If others really knew how you carried yourself in certain situations or some of the thoughts that you had when you were out of “touch” then others would definitely look at you differently. You worked hard to be that woman in Proverbs 31; that virtuous one or that righteous man in Psalms 37:30…now you have to maintain.
How can you consciously handle people smiling in your face and laughing and talking behind your back? It shouldn’t even be an afterthought when we begin to realize that people will begin to do this without knowing your secrets. Those very same people that “gawk” at our past hold some very dark and dirty secrets themselves. No one is perfect. Even though some secrets are not even our burdens to bear because we had no control over what transpired in the first place.
Unfortunately we all have skeletons in our closets. Skeletons that we oftentimes try to bury so deep that they turn into demons that later come back to terrorize and haunt us. These once hidden secrets turned demons can prevent us from moving forward in your lives mentally, psychologically, spiritually and sometimes even physically. It is almost too late before you realize that you are living a life that is only a shell of your true being. You are a figment of your own imagination. You are living a lie.
Although it is sometimes hard to comprehend at first you finally understand that it is a reality. Sometimes when we hoard or try to conceal our secrets of our past we begin to deceive ourselves and others. We find ourselves beginning to lie through our everyday speech and actions just to save our image. We continue to cover up and withhold truths about ourselves and portray someone or some being that is not real. The very secrets that have haunted us for so long, the ones that humiliated us can ultimately overcome and destroy us. Now I can almost understand why the Bible says “that a liar will not tarry in Gods’ sight” or in other words He will not tolerate nor accept one…a liar. For we are not even being honest with ourselves and others so how can we expect to be honest with God?
I had a secret. A secret that was so dirty and so shameful that I just knew that I had it etched into my forehead. A secret that I did not even have a reason to conceal but I did. A secret that was caused by another but it only seemed to directly affect me. I carried the guilt. I carried the shame and ultimately I began to live a lie. This secret turned into one of my most challenging demons even though the offense was against me. Pretending to be ok when I was not… was a lie. Laughing and smiling on the outside while tears drowned my heart and soul on the inside was miserable.
I lived a life of lies and deception for so long that I not only began to hate myself but others. I would sometimes scream to the top of my lungs because I wanted so bad for the real me to emerge. However I was too shameful and the pain and agony of my secret cut deep like a knife. I hated that I could no longer express my true feelings by words or trust in others like I use to do. The beautiful smile, the winning personality and the manner able young lady was all a cover up.
I was angry and I was bitter. I despised people… especially men. I hated everyone I knew and because I was damaged by another it was my goal to hurt those that crossed up my path. My life here on earth and my very existence was in question daily and I was damaged goods. Yes, I lived a lie and I was a liar and alone I dwelled because no one wants to knowingly join crazy in a crazy world.
I carried a demon of malice from childhood to adulthood and because I allowed myself to wallow in my sorrows for so long my heart had become calloused. I crippled my own self. I lived in pity; I lived in a world of confusion. You could speak English clearly and it would all translate into Swahili to me. What was normal to me was abnormal to all and what was normal to others was totally idiotic to me.
The state that I was in was all because of the shameful secret of sexual assault that turned demonic but by the grace of God I finally decided that the day has come that I declare no more drama in my life.