Yours…Mine…Ours

By Gaetane Borders 

 

 Do you ever wonder why children seem to be miniature portraits of their parents? Sometimes I laugh aloud when I watch my son walking because he has the exact same gait and swagger that my husband has. The only problem is that my husband walks the way that he does because he has a bad back and knees from the wear and tear over the years. So why then does our nine-year-old’s walk mirror his father’s? Surely he doesn’t have pre-arthritic symptoms! The answer is pretty clear…he has adopted his juvenile swagger due to the phenomenon known as modeling.

While there is no harm in a child copying his daddy’s walking pattern, this mimicking can pose a problem when it relates to emotional issues. How we cope, how we express our emotions, and how we demonstrate love and admiration are all things that we pass on to our children. Oftentimes I can tell what parents are like before meeting them just by the way their children act. For example, kids who are unduly aggressive or who use profane language are usually in an environment where they see and hear such behaviors. Sure, behavior and temperament do have a genetic component as well. But remember that children learn largely by watching what we adults do and how we react.

A national study was done recently in which it reported that 1 out of 4 adults is clinically depressed. Suicide is on the rise, particularly among African American men. Other studies show that 1 out of 3 girls are molested before the age of 18, and 1 out of 5 boys report having been molested during this same time frame. The emotional baggage that this sort of trauma creates is extensive, and without the needed therapy can have lasting debilitating effects. Moreover, it can negatively impact future relationships and how one relates to others.

It is so important to the success of our families that we, as adults, heal ourselves so that we can be fully functional, happy, and effective parents. Our children are watching, learning, and imitating our behaviors, and your baggage can ultimately become their baggage. If you or a loved one is experiencing symptoms related to depression or anxiety, please consult with a counseling professional. It will not only make a difference in your life, it will make a difference in your child’s life as well. 

The Gift of Fear/The Curse of Anxiety

By Sandra L. Brown

Is it Fear Or Is it Anxiety?

Women who have been in pathological relationships come away from the relationships with problems associated with fear, worry, and anxiety. This is often related to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or what we call 'High Harm Avoidance'-- being on high alert looking for ways she might get harmed now or in the future. 

PTSD, by it's own nature as a disorder, is an anxiety disorder that is preoccupied by both the past (flashbacks and intrusive thoughts of him or events) and by the future (worry about future events, trying to anticipate his behaviors, etc.). With long term exposure to PTSD, this anxiety and worry begins to mask itself, at least in her mind, as 'fear.' In fact, most women lump together the sensations of anxiety, worry, and fear into one feeling and don't differentiate them. 

Fear is helpful and safety-oriented whereas worry and anxiety are not helpful and related to phantom 'possible' events that often don't happen. To that degree, worry and anxiety are distracting away from real fear signals that could help her.

In the book which is now a classic on predicting harmful behavior in others, Gavin deBecker in 'The Gift of Fear' delineates the difference between what we need fear FOR and what we DONT need anxiety and worry for. In some ways, the ability to use fear correctly while stopping the use of anxiety and worry may do much to curtail PTSD symptoms. 

deBecker who is not a therapist but a Danger Anaylst has done what other therapists haven't even done--nix PTSD symptoms of anxiety and worry by focusing on true fear and it's necessity versus anxiety and it's faux meaning to us.

The term fear was used by Freud (in contrast to anxiety), to refer to the reaction to  real danger. Freud emphasized the difference between fear and anxiety in terms of their relation to danger: 

~ Anxiety is a state characterized by the expectation and preparation
 for a danger--even if it's unknown ~ 

~ While fear implies a specific object to be feared in the here/now. ~

(Anxiety is: 'He MIGHT harm me' where fear is: "He IS harming me with
 his fist, words, actions, etc.")

If you heard there was a weapon proven to prevent most crimes (including picking a dangerous partner) before it happened, would you run out and buy it? World-renowned security expert Gavin deBecker says this weapon exists, but you already have it. He calls it "the gift of fear." 

The story of a woman named Kelly begins with a simple warning sign. A man offers to help carry her groceries into her apartment—and instantly, Kelly doesn't like the sound of his voice. Kelly goes against her gut and lets him help her—and in doing so, she lets a rapist into her home. 

"We get a signal prior to violence," Gavin says. "There are preincident  indicators. Things that happen before violence occurs." 

Gavin says that unlike any other living creature, humans will sense danger, yet still walk right into it. 

"You're in a hallway waiting for an elevator late at night. The elevator door opens, and there's a guy inside, and he makes you afraid. You don't know why, you don't know what it is. And many women will stand there and look at that guy and say, 'Oh, I don't want to think like that. I don't want to be the kind of person who lets the door close in his face. I've got to be nice. I don't want him to think I'm not nice.' 

And so human beings will get into a steel soundproof chamber with someone they're afraid of, and there's not another animal in nature that would even consider it." 

Gavin says that "eerie feelings" is exactly what he wants women to pay attention to. "We're trying to analyze the warning signs," he says. "And what I really want to teach today and forever is the feeling of the warning sign. All the other stuff is our explanation for the feeling. Why it was this, why it was that. The feeling itself IS the warning sign." 

What happens over and over again is that women dismantle their OWN internal safety system by ignoring it. The longer she ignores it, the more 'over rides' it receives and retrains the brain to ignore the fear signal. Once rewired women are at tremendous risks of all kinds...risks of picking the wrong men, of squelching fear signals of impending violence, shutting off alarms about potential sexual assaults, shutting down red flags about financial rip offs, squeeking out hints about poor character in other people...and the list goes on. What is left after your whole entire safety system is dismantled? Not much....

Women, subconsciously sensing they need to have 'something' to fall back on, swap out true and profoundly accurate fear signals with the miserly counterfeit and highly unproductive feeling of worry/anxiety. 

LADIES-- WRONG FEELING! 

Then they end up in counseling for their 4th dangerous relationship and wonder if they have a target sign on their forehead. No they don't. They have learned to dismantle, rename, minimize, justify, or deny the fear signals they get or got in the relationship. As if their ability to 'take it' or 'not be afraid' of very dangerous behavior is some sort of win for them. As if their ability to look danger in the face and STAY means they are as tough or competitive as he is...

No--it means they have a fear signal that no longer saves them. Their barely stuttering signal means it's been over-ridden by her. She felt it, labeled it, and released it all the while staring eye-to-eye with what she should fear most. 

Then later, or another day or week passes and she has mounting anxiety--over what she wonders? She has a chronic low grade worry, whisps of anxiety that waife thru her life. She can't put 2+2 together to figure out that ignoring true fear will demand to be recognized by her subconscious in some way---an illegitimate way through worry and anxiety that does nothing to save her from real danger. Her real ally (her true fear) has been squelched and banished. 

When coming to us for counseling she wants us to help her 'feel safe'again when actually, we can't do any of that. It's all in her internal system as it's always been. Her safety is inside her and her future healing is too. 

She will sit in the counselor's office denying true fear and begging for relief from the mounting anxiety she is experiencing. She doesn't trust herself, her intuition, her judgments--all she can feel is anxiety. And with good reason! True fear is her true intuition...not anxiety. But she's already canned what can save her and now on some level she must know she has nothing left that can help her feel and react.

Animals instinctively react to the danger signal--the adrenaline, flash of fear, and flood of cortisol. They don't have internal dialogue with themselves like "What did that mean? Why did he say that? I don't like that behavior---I wonder if he was abused as a child." 

An animal is trained to have a natural reaction to the fear signal--they run. You don't see animals 'stuck' in abusive mating environments! In nature, as in us, we are wired with the King of Comments which is the danger signal. When we respond to the flash of true fear, we aren't left having a commentary with ourselves.

"The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made, and the activity of making them, changes both the maker and the destination.” - John Schaar

"Are Feelings Facts?"

 By Sandra L. Brown


Women don't know whether to trust what they feel or not. Are you confused over whether feelings are factual or if they are fiction? You're not alone. Women struggle where to draw the line between believing what they think and questioning it. 


On one hand, feelings can be red flags in the beginning or in the midst of the relationship. Red flags can be emotional, physical, or spiritual warnings of what is happening or what is yet to be. 


Emotional red flags are feelings you get while in the relationship--constant worry, dread, wondering, suspicion, anxiety, depression, or obsession. Often the emotional red flags are quickly noticed by other people in your lives who point out that you have changed since the relationship--and not for the good. Lots of times women don't want to 'hear' about their emotional changes since being in the relationship. 


Other times, women already KNOW they are having emotional red flags about him or aspects of the relationship.


In either case, it's important to know that emotional red flags can be GOOD PREDICTORS OF THE POTENTIAL LONGEVITY OF THE RELATIONSHIP. Many women notice that the red flags they had at the beginning of the relationship ARE the reasons the relationship eventually end. So emotional red flags can be great tools and often accurate. 


Waiting for feelings to become 'facts' before you act on them can be very dangerous. In the case of emotional red flags (and your intuition), responding NOW instead of later can help you exit the relationship quickly. By the time a feeling IS A FACT, many things could have happened.
(For more info on red flags, see the first few chapters of the Dangerous Man book.) 


ON THE OTHER HAND (there's always 'an other hand' isn't there?)--women wonder if the intense feelings they are having are an indicator of 'true love' or why would they be having them? Women often experience confusing emotions when trouble starts in the relationship. She either becomes confused when the relationship turns bad or she becomes confused when she has ended the relationship. This confusion takes the form of "if he was so mean to me, why do I still have feelings for him? I must still love him if I can't stop thinking about him even if he did bad things. Do my feelings mean I should go back with him?"


In these cases 'feelings' are not facts. It is human nature to seek attachment and bonding. When that is ripped away there is an emptiness that happens. Women often think that 'means' that they were in love if they experience the aftermath of 'loss.' It just means you are feeling the loss. 


Women often think that since they 'miss the good times of the relationship' they must miss him. What women actually often are missing is the 'feelings' that were generated in the relationship when it was good. Women miss feeling of being 'in love' or 'attached' or 'wanted and desired' or 'safe and secure.' When women can separate out what they really 'miss' they often can see that 'he' represented those feelings she was having. She misses the feelings of the illusion of being in a good relationship.  


Missing 'him' might not really be 'missing him.' Who is 'him' -- the dangerous man/cheater/liar/or pathological? You miss that 'him'? No. You miss the feelings of being in love. 


Tell yourself -- "What I am missing are the feelings of being in a good relationship.' Remind yourself of that when you mis-interpret those feelings as meaning you 'want him back.' Often that isn't the case. Recognize that this very 'feeling' thing is what propels women right back out there seeking to 'feel loved' again and attach to those feelings you are missing. It places women very 'at-risk' of repeating the same mistake. 


Here---try this. Draw a line down the middle of the page. On one side, list the feelings you miss having. On the other side, list the dangerous man traits/behaviors/incidents. 


Now take a look. Which do you really miss? 


Feelings can be accurate when we are getting red flags in the relationship. Feelings can be inaccurate when we are gauging whether to return to relationship because we think we 'miss' him when in fact, what we miss are the feelings that were generated in the relationship. 


Feelings can be inaccurate when we are gauging the intensity and equate that with love or something healthy in the relationship. Understanding the importance of 'feelings' in all stages of a relationship can help you recognize just 'what' your feelings are telling you and when to heed them and when to be a little suscipious of their messages to you! 

Courage

By Tanya Warrington

Today I want to salute all those women, men, teenagers and children who have had the courage to tell about their abuse. Courage. It takes bravery to do what you thought you could never do.

The first time that I was told that I was courageous--I thought the other person was crazy. At that point, I felt fear in huge heaping doses. I had driven away from my home with my three children in a desperate effort to keep my children safe from my abusive spouse. I felt panicked. I was in the grips of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), but no one would label until a couple of months later my intense fear that haunted me both in my waking and sleeping hours.

I didn’t feel brave at all.

I had thought that I was brave when I endured abuse and didn’t cry. That type of courage I had learned as a preschooler when my dad sexually assaulted me and told me “big girls don’t cry.” I thought I was brave when I kept horrible secrets deep down inside, because I didn’t want to be responsible for “killing” mother by telling her things she could not bear to hear. I thought I was brave when I kept my life somewhat together when a teenage boyfriend raped me when I was 17. I thought I was brave when I wouldn’t let my husband see my pain, because he fed off signs of pain or weakness. I put up a strong, feel nothing, say nothing front…until the day I understood that my children were in danger because of their father’s worsening “anger problem.”

Now, years later, I understand the courage the friend saw in me. I see it now in other courageous individuals. It takes tremendous courage to believe that there is a better way of living and to risk everything you have and that you know in order to seek that different, abuse-free life. 

Bravery is necessary to leave all that is familiar and plunge into an unknown future. 

Guts are essential to reveal the buried secrets. 

Tenacity is needed, holding onto what feels like a tiny edge, while feeling waves of fear and pain in the aftershock of embarking on the road of truth.

Coping, ever coping, while feeling totally weak and exposed as you ask for help from strangers at shelters or counseling offices or in an emergency room. 

The pain feels like more than you can survive. The reality that you told yourself could not be--is the ugly truth. And facing the truth of abuse can’t be done with anything less than courage.

So, to all of you who have faced the unbearable, I say well done. No matter where you are on the journey of healing, I see the courage in you. Bravo! Bravo! You are making it. You are taking steps toward a better future. You are learning new ways. You are doing things you didn’t think you could do. 

You are like the shaking child at the top of the high dive who finally jumps off and raises to the top of the water to hear the sound of the pool patrons clapping. That kid was terrified, but did it anyway. Others saw the fear and then the courage. They saw and they clapped.  If you and I were in the same room right now, you’d see a big smile on my face and my hands clapping for you.

When Friends and Family Are Not Enough

By Gaetane Borders

In a time when so much has been written and discussed about the number of violent crimes and the survivors of such heinous acts, less has been said about how to treat the associated emotional and mental anguish that undoubtedly occurs.  For many, talking to friends and family members is a definite source of comfort in trying times.  Others may seek out the guidance of clergy and pastors, while some people choose to channel their energies into helping others in similar circumstances.  Depending on your personality and needs, any and all of the aforementioned can be beneficial to healing. 

However, there is another method that can also help those who are grieving or in any form of mental distress…clinical therapy.  Therapy is a commitment to improving your emotional health, and considering it as a means of helping you through the darkest times in your life is a courageous decision.  Nonetheless, there are a lot of people that would gain from seeing a therapist who have difficulty perceiving the benefit.  For some, thinking about discussing personal thoughts with a stranger is anxiety provoking. 

Some of the other concerns that people may have are:

·       I am going to find out something I won’t like about myself.

Attending therapy can be difficult, especially when you are in the process of uncovering memories and experiences that were not previously discussed.  However, your therapist will be cognizant of this delicate situation, and is there to help you make sense of your feelings and emotions.

·       I tried therapy once and it didn’t work.

Just because you may have tried therapy once before, do not be discouraged into thinking that you won’t gain something by visiting another therapist.  Finding the right professional with whom you form a rapport is key.  Also, there are a multitude of different kinds of therapy…not all involve sitting on a couch while you pour out your deep dark secrets.  For instance, there is art therapy, dance therapy, music therapy, and group therapy to name only a few.  Don’t be afraid to try all kinds to see which works best for you.

·       What will people think if they find out that I see a therapist? 

Most people do, indeed, care what others think of them.  However, it is your decision whether you want to share this with anyone.  Also, keep in mind, a true supportive friend or family member would never make you feel less than for seeking therapy. 

·       Only crazy people go to therapy.

What is associated with this attitude is the myth that if you go for counseling that obviously means you are inadequate, weak, or crazy!  We all develop unhealthy and destructive ways of coping. No one is immune from these experiences, and depending on a number of circumstances and resources available to you at the time, seeking assistance is just plain smart.

Sadly, many people who would benefit from receiving therapy do not get the help that they need in order to cope with the tragic events in their life.  Sometimes friends and family cannot offer the level of support that is needed for true emotional healing.  That is why I urge everyone to be open to the idea.  Whether you are a victim of a violent crime, experienced a loss, or may be feeling overwhelmed by life’s circumstances…therapy can be the lifeline that you’ve been looking for.  I would recommend finding a therapist who specializing in the area of grief and trauma that you may be experiencing.  For example, if you are a survivor of incest, find a therapist who specializes with this issue.  Having someone who understands and knows what you have experienced is a sure fire way to encourage the professional rapport necessary for your journey towards recovery!

The Empowerment Of Understanding Fear - Don't Allow It To Steal Your Dreams

By Anny Jacoby

Whether you get stung by a bee or simply watch as a friend gets stung, you might start to run and hide every time a bee buzzes across your path. Why do you do this? It turns out that your brain areas that respond when fear is learned through personal experience are also triggered when we see someone else afraid. This definitely explains why some people are afraid of things like spiders and snakes despite little contact with them.

You learn fear by observing other people's emotional expressions that can be as effective as having direct experiences yourself. This certainly explains one of the reasons why a lot of people have phobias of certain kinds of stimuli, such as rape, assault, abuse, stalking, abduction and much more. Just the thought of the aforementioned makes individuals extremely uncomfortable and justly so.

Fear is defined as an emotional response to an unknown or impending danger or as in expectation of harm or evil. Fear can create feelings of apprehension, anxiety, alarm, dread, fright or terror. When you are in fear, you are scared of someone, something or a potential outcome.

We all experience fear at one point in time or another. Actually, fear is a great way to keep us from hurting ourselves. Fear keeps us from putting our hand on the hot burner of the stove. It keeps us from jumping from high places, or leaves us tentative when going into a darkened room. These types of fears are good. They keep us safe. They make us think before we do, knowing full well the potential outcome and repercussions of our actions.

We can experience fear of closed in spaces such as elevators, afraid of the water or flying in airplanes. Fear is a reaction or response to some previous life experience or trauma or even the thought of any potential dangerous situation. Fear can impact us in many ways and it can steal our dreams. The bottom line is.......fear takes away our choices. It can keep us from doing the things we want or need to do for ourselves. It limits us, constrains us and can end up ruling our lives. It can consume our energy and enjoyment of life, leaving us experiencing additional unexplainable stress, frustration or feeling just plain stuck in the mud.

Being in or living in fear is all about choices. You can choose to move forward, or you can choose to stand still marking time.

Fear does not have to be a "freeze" mechanism that prevents a beneficial reaction. One must decide what frightens you more - being dominated, injured or killed by an assailant/batterer, or taking a risk and fighting back. You may hurt yourself somehow by protecting yourself against your assailant, his knife might nick your ear, a bullet from his gun may graze your head, or you might end up with bruises and your body sore; but you're chance of being alive is much greater than not. Learning personal safety (realistic self-defense) mentally and physically is a means to escape and ultimate survival. If you are too scared to react defensively and decide to remain under an assailant's control - he will have his way with you. Your mind can be more dangerous than your assailant. You must turn your fear into an effective reaction thus allowing yourself to be empowered.

Psychological fear leads to doubt and hesitation. Unchecked it can result in anxiety and/or panic. When you begin to doubt yourself you start to think, "What if I lose?", "What if I get hurt?". Thoughts of this sort must be eliminated from your vocabulary. You must remain positive, assertive and focus on the ability to motivate yourself=empowerment.

Miraculous things happen to those who consciously choose to overcome your fears and embrace them. You gain certainty in your safety skills, abilities and downfalls.

What do you fear? Perhaps it's time to turn on the light and step through the door of empowerment.

"Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out."

-----Karl A. Menninger

Take care and STAY SAFE!