Showing posts with label Domestic Violence Dynamics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Domestic Violence Dynamics. Show all posts

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

When Traditional Boundaries are Meaningless








By Charles Moncrief

As Domestic Violence Awareness Month has ended, maybe we can keep from allowing the public eye to close on this scourge. Here’s my contribution to that effort.

It’s a special treat to me when asked to give the Children’s Sermon because I’m far more likely to use props than when preaching to adults.

Several years ago I visited a hospital nursery with a tape recorder. (Yes, I know, I’m dating myself!) The nurses allowed me to record the crying of several infants, to get samples from different social, ethnic, and economic backgrounds. The following Sunday, the children came up and sat with me in front of the congregation. First, I played a few of the samples with a one-second pause between them.

Then I played back three of them, pausing to let the children reflect on what they heard.

Then I asked the children to identify the little girl.

Then I asked the children to identify the Asian boy.

Then I asked the children to identify the baby from the rich family.

The children couldn’t tell which was which.


Finally, I replayed the three tapes and again asked them to tell me the difference between the infants’ crying sounds.

You’d think I scripted their answer: “We don’t know.”

Now please fast-forward with me twenty, thirty, or forty years. Put on a blindfold and listen to the outcry of a person suffering from abuse.

Did the cry come from a White woman?

Did the cry come from a Black woman?

Did the cry come from an Asian woman?

Did the cry come from a bride?

Did the cry come from a woman in poverty?

Did the cry come from a Middle-class woman?

Did the cry come from a wealthy woman?

Did the cry come from the wife of a soldier?

Did the cry come from woman serving in the military?

Did the cry come from a Debutante?

Did the cry come from a man?


Do you know?


Grace and Peace,

Charles+


Anglican Priest, Charles Moncrief, serves up the issues of the day on a platter mixed with scripture, seriousness, and a sense of humor to create a ministry founded in love for his fellow man.

“I’m an Anglican Priest, disguised as a geek during the week. It’s REALLY tough to change my costume, since phone booths are getting hard to find!”
 

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

10 Reasons Why I Stayed in a Violent Relationship



By Heidi Hiatt

“So why didn’t you just leave?” The question hit a nerve somewhere near my third thoracic vertebra and sizzled in my right cheek like an antagonized hornet.

That question. I hate that question. I’m tired of that question. But I try to use that question to give people a crash course in the dynamics of domestic violence because they might end up saving the life of a victim. Everybody knows somebody.

When you’re in an abusive relationship, chances are you can’t just leave. You’ve heard me say it many times– the risk of homicide goes up 75 percent when you leave an abusive relationship. Your abuser might not want you anymore, and has tried to make you feel like the most vile, undesirable piece of filth on the planet, but let me tell you something– they still want control over you. Some will do anything to keep it. Anything.

There are some fantastic lists online that detail why victims of domestic violence stay, such as the LAPD’s Domestic Violence: Reasons Why Battered Victims Stay With the Batterers. I strongly suggest becoming familiar with this material because, if it hasn’t happened already, you’re going to catch wind of domestic violence close to you sometime and that person will need your help. Their life could depend on it.

All of the possible reasons a man or woman might stay in an abusive relationship won’t be listed here. I do want to expound on ten reasons victims don’t just leave. Please understand that reasons vary from victim to victim; one size doesn’t fit all.

1. The victim doesn’t understand that what they are experiencing is abuse. 

Growing up, I never realized that what was happening to my siblings and I was technically abuse. We didn’t know we could call 911, or tell an adult who could have involved the authorities. We thought it had to happen all the time or cause long-term physical injury. We knew that it was wrong, but we didn’t know we could have done something about it other than try to get family members to listen.

Recently I became aware of an incident in which the abuser told his daughter that if she sought help, nothing would happen because, “it’s not abuse unless it leaves a mark.” She is being conditioned to accept several types of abuse as normal and legal. This is what abusers do– they rationalize their behavior and remind you that it’s not as bad as you think it is or what you think it is. They often claim to be disciplining you, but their bursts of screaming rage, whether hands-on or hands-off, are ultimately meant to satisfy their own need for power and control.

Many of you are familiar with the Power and Control Wheel. Think of the wheel as a pie. Many people define domestic violence/abuse as physical violence. Abusers like you to believe that, because then they can raid your bank account, tear you down emotionally, sleep around, and threaten to slit your throat while you think there’s nothing you can do about it. Physical violence is just one piece of the pie. Get familiar with the other pieces so that you understand what’s going on. Domestic violence often starts in one part of the pie and moves to another, or gradually becomes the whole pie.

2. The victim doesn’t understand the cycle of violence. 

There are often three phases of domestic violence. Tension builds, the abuser explodes, and then the honeymoon phase sets in. Because of the honeymoon phase, a period in which the abuser may seem calm, apologetic, or remorseful, victims can be lulled into believing that life has gotten better and their abuser’s changed. But they must understand that the cycle will continue if not stopped, and that fragile appearance of peace is just the calm before the next storm.

Remember in the Tina Turner biopic What’s Love Got to Do with It when Ike Turner brought her presents after strangling and sexually assaulting her? That’s one manifestation of the honeymoon phase. It’s the time during which your abuser convinces you to stay because they don’t do it all the time, or the makeup sex was intense, or they went to counseling. Maybe they bought you a nice present, brought you flowers, or worked some overtime to pay some bills. You start to think that it’s not so bad and because it doesn’t happen all the time you’ll get through it.

Get off the fatal merry-go-round. Connect with a domestic violence advocate in secret, make a safety plan, and document what’s happening. If your abuser was serious about change he wouldn’t keep hurting you. Don’t let others convince you how dangerous he is or isn’t or whether or not he’ll escalate– you already know, deep down, that this is serious and it always repeats.


3. The abuser has brainwashed the victim into helplessness. 

You’re not hot anymore. You don’t dress sexy anymore. You’re not the svelte single digit size you were when you married him 15 years and three kids ago. You’re book smart, but you have no common sense. You could never survive on your own. You’ll have to leave the kids and pets behind if you go. No one will help you. No one will hire you. No one else would want an ugly, stupid ____ like you.

Millions, even billions, of victims hear these vicious jabs on a regular basis. This is everyday life in households across America and the world. After days and weeks and years of hearing how horrible you are, you start to believe the lies. The stress of constantly being told how inadequate you are doesn’t motivate you to eat heathier, go back to school, or work out, it makes it all worse.

Mental manipulation is like the sonic screwdriver in the abuser’s toolbox. They can bust it out anytime, anywhere, and use it to harm you, charm you, disarm you, or alarm you. Hear this: God made you a unique individual with a special purpose. You are beautiful to Him. Start listening to who He says you are and stop believing the lies that are pounded into your head mercilessly. You are worth so much more than this. You are not who your abuser says you are. Get help now.

4. The victim has conflicting emotions. 

You married them because you loved them, right? You still love them. It’s not the same as it was in the beginning, but you promised your life to this person. Because you love them, you want to make it work. They’re a selfish narcissist who terrorizes you and the kids half the time, but you know that good guy from your early days of dating is still in there somewhere.

You might have this argument with yourself many times while deciding what to do about an abusive situation. The thought of breaking that bond can be overwhelming when you love the person. As Sandra L. Brown often points out at her Institute for Relational Harm Reduction website, the feelings you have for a pathological personality (narcissist, sociopath, etc.) can be especially intense.

Ask yourself this: is it worth your life? Is there some unwritten rule that says if you love someone you’ll hang in there no matter what horrors they inflict on you, your kids, and your pets? God loves you more than anyone, and God doesn’t approve of you being terrorized, threatened, or beaten.

You might always have feelings, in some form, for that person. Or, like many of us who’ve gotten away from unhealthy relationships, you come to see the relationship realistically over time and realize that’s not what true love looks like. True love– a love that builds you up rather than draining you– could still be out there.

5. The victim has been convinced that their culture and/or religion does not allow them to move on. 

I wrestled with just such a theological argument for years. Some influences in my life had taught me that if you are divorced– no matter the reason– God will never, ever allow you to be married again. Even though I knew I had to get out, it seemed that I might have to live the rest of my life as a barren widow, practicing some sort of eternal faithfulness to someone who was already doing whatever they wanted.

“God hates divorce.” Yes He does. It’s in the Manufacturer’s Handbook. But God also hates evil and calls us to separate ourselves from it. Domestic violence isn’t a trivial trial incidental to marriage. It’s a sin. It’s wrong. It’s sick and selfish and sadistic. It allows the abuser to act as god rather than honoring the real God by honoring our spouse.

Unfortunately, the first place domestic violence victims go for help is often the last place they can find it– the church. This damning judgmental legalism you heard about in my Blaming the Victims post is pervasive in God’s house. Far too often, when victims speak to someone in the church about what’s happening to them, the first thing that happens is they’re counseled as to how THEY could make it better!

Pastors and priests need to understand that the first thing they should be concerned about when domestic violence comes up is the safety of the victims. The victim should not be guilted or burdened more than they already are. They shouldn’t be told to act more perky, make nicer dinners, or submit to their abuser more. They don’t need to be sat down with their abuser as if both of them need to humble themselves and make concessions. That’s aiding and abetting the abuse. What they do need is practical help from an advocate or agency who will consider their safety first and worry about the relationship later. Hook them up.

Domestic violence is wrong. Many aspects of it can result in criminal charges. I call on the church to stand united against it rather than taking the easy or uneducated out of making victims think they have to keep enduring it. That’s not Christian. That’s crazy.


6. The victim does not have enough resources to leave. 

This is a common problem. A victim may be financially dependent upon their abuser. Perhaps the victim doesn’t work, or makes less money, or is primarily responsible for the children. The thought of walking away with little or nothing keeps many trapped. They don’t know how they’ll survive. How do you eat? Where do you sleep? They might have heard that 40 percent of homeless women are homeless because of domestic violence (this is true in my area).

This last year, a group of coworkers got together to furnish an apartment and buy necessities for a woman and her children in this situation. They’d left the abuser with the clothes on their back and their toothbrushes. That’s it. Thankfully we live in a region where a lot of nonprofits, churches, and agencies will connect victims with resources to get them back on their feet. Many aren’t as blessed. But don’t assume there’s no way out– talk to an advocate or agency to find out what help might be available. And again, remember that it’s not worth your life.

7. The victim feels ashamed of or embarrassed by the abuse. 

Admitting that you’re a victim can be much more difficult than it sounds. A victim might think that speaking out or leaving screams failure. Disconnecting from a dangerous, toxic relationship is not a failure, but a victory. When you become free from the soul-sucking, potentially fatal chains that have held you down, you discover that there’s a whole world out there you were missing. Life blossoms with possibilities and you achieve things you never could have dreamed while someone else was drowning you.

You might process all sorts of confusing emotions while making it to safety, and your life might be peppered with negative people who treat you like you didn’t do enough. You know what? They need to work on their own issues, one of which is dissecting other people’s lives while ignoring the issues in their own. Hypocrites are hypercritical. Focus on the successes you have and that will come, not the coulda shoulda wouldas.

8.  Fear. 

Plain and simple, fear is legitimate and justifiable in the context of abuse. We might be afraid of being murdered if we leave, which is why documentation and safety planning are so important. We might be afraid of what people will think. We could be afraid of the unknown. We could be afraid because we have no idea what to do next. The thought of being alone can be terrifying as well.

Ace pilot Eddie Rickenbacker aptly stated, “Courage is doing what you are afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you are scared.” As bestselling author Gavin de Becker says, fear is a gift, an instinct that can alert us to danger. So pay attention to that fear even when it doesn’t make sense. But also know that you can harness that fear to achieve positive change. Once you have overcome the fear that is holding you back by strategically leaving abuse behind you, who knows what you’ll achieve? You might, like me, find that where there was once fear there is now a passionate righteous anger that motivates you to help others.

9. The victim might be unsure that the police will believe or help them. 

I understand this well. That was a major hesitation and gamble for me. I had to report a cop to the cops. I was blessed with a police department and prosecution team who thoroughly understood what was going on. But years later, I’m still treated as a lying, vindictive attention seeker by some in the law enforcement community because I chose to stay alive. I remind myself that they don’t know, they’re quick to protect their own, and they have no idea how much sacrifice has been involved.

But this gut-wrenching dilemma is faced by victims of all walks of life in myriad locations. Will the cops believe me? I don’t have bruises right now. I didn’t start documenting this until the past year. No one else but me knows what he’s really like at home. He’ll just put on his Mr. Smooth persona if I call the police and convince them that I’m mental-emotional.

This is why domestic violence and sexual assault training is so important for first responders. They need to recognize red flags and take every allegation seriously. They need to document these incidents. Their agencies should require this of them so the treatment of domestic violence is not left up to their personal discretion. Despite the widely trumpeted myth that many women fabricate domestic violence allegations and sexual assault, studies show that the vast majority do not. Start by believing.

Victims, if what is being done to you is minimized or dismissed, keep trying. Contact a domestic violence hotline, a prosecutor, a local advocacy agency (like LifeWire in the Seattle area), someone who you can confide in. Have details ready and don’t downplay what the abuser’s doing. Don’t give up.


10. The victim doesn’t know where to start.

 Let’s solve that right now. Before you visit these websites, know how to swiftly delete your browsing history so that your abuser doesn’t know you were there. It’s advisable to use a computer the abuser can’t access outside of the home to view such information, like a library computer. Consider what information might be retained on your cell phone as well.

National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Times Up! A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships

Document the Abuse – learn more about a valuable legal tool for victims called the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit here

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Christian Mental Health & Family Hope Ministries

RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network), 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

Start by Believing

National Network to End Domestic Violence

No More

Love is Respect (National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline, 1-866-331-9474)

Domestic Shelters – find a safe place near you

Stalking Resource Center

OutrageUs (stalking help)

If you’re in Washington State, here are additional resources, including for those in the greater Seattle area:

Crisis Clinic, 1-866-427-4747

Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Christian Coalition For Safe Families

King County Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Washington State Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-562-6025

LifeWire, 24-hour help line 1-800-827-8840

New Beginnings, 24-hour help line 206-522-9472

The Hope Line, 206-432-8424 (help with a wide range of issues including domestic violence, human trafficking, housing, gangs, etc. as well as confidential prayer support)

In conclusion, next time you’re tempted to ask someone, “why don’t you leave?” or “why didn’t you leave?”, consider how that sounds. It sounds like you’re blaming them, which will only complicate things. Instead, as blogger Amy Thompson proposes in Language Matters When Engaging Survivors of Domestic Violence in Discussion, ask how they found the courage to leave. If they haven’t left yet, ask how you can help them. Even if you simply provide them with a hotline number, that could be their first step towards becoming a survivor rather than a victim.

You could literally save a life.




Read more on this topic, including tweets from survivors: #WhyIStayed


Take the first step, and your mind will mobilize all its forces to your aid. But the first essential is that you begin. –Robert Collier


Heidi Hiatt, MA recently graduated as a Forensic Psychologist.  You can read more of her posts at her personal blog, Truth, Justice, and All-American Allergen-Free Apple Pie Straight Talk in a Crooked World

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

New Book: Representing the Domestic Violence Survivor



by Barry Goldstein

Training Lawyers to Litigate Domestic Violence Cases Properly 


The most common question I receive from protective mothers is about how they can find a good attorney. Most law students complete law school without receiving any training about domestic violence. Many lawyers receive some domestic violence training but it is often provided by attorneys or judges who are experts in the law, or mental health professionals who are experts in psychology, but usually not by domestic violence experts such as advocates. This is why the Saunders’ study recently released by the U. S. Department of Justice found that the standard and required training for judges and lawyers (and evaluators) does not provide the information necessary to respond to domestic violence cases. In many ways this kind of training is the worst of all worlds because it creates a false sense of competence in domestic violence and many attorneys who receive this limited training are not open to considering real domestic violence expertise.

The Saunders’ study found that there is now a substantial body of specialized research that would help inform courts about best practices in domestic violence custody cases. Unfortunately this research was not available when domestic violence first became a public issue and courts never got into the practice of obtaining this information in order to make better decisions for children. The problem is exacerbated by the widespread use of mental health professionals, who are often inadequately trained in domestic violence, but are relied on by the courts for expertise in domestic violence cases. This causes attorneys and judges to hear misinformation that is treated as if it were accurate because it is coming from “expert” witnesses.

Even worse is the cottage industry of lawyers and mental health professionals that has developed to support abusive fathers. Domestic violence is about control and economic control is an important part of domestic violence. A large majority of contested custody cases involve abusive fathers seeking custody as a way to regain control over a partner who decided to leave or to punish her for complaints about his abuse. In most of these cases the abusive father controls most of the family’s financial resources. Many court professionals understand that the best way to make a large income is to support theories and practices favorable to abusive fathers because that is where the money is. In many cases these biased professionals are permitted to serve as GALs and evaluators and treated as if they were neutral.

All of these unhelpful circumstances tend to reinforce misinformation and discourage the adoption of the best practices that would be supported by current scientific research. As a result, attorneys who are acting in good faith often do not have the familiarity with current research or an understanding of domestic violence dynamics that are needed to present the strongest possible case for protective mothers. Attorneys who are part of the cottage industry are often happy to take large retainers from protective mothers, but refuse to present the evidence of abuse because they do not believe her or that the information is important.

The result is that protective mothers often complain that their attorneys demanded a large retainer, promised to protect them but proceeded to undermine their case. Many of the mothers lose their attorneys prior to trial and are forced to precede pro se because they are out of money or with an attorney unfamiliar with her case. We often see mothers criticized for having several attorneys with the critics not realizing this is a function of the inadequate training of the lawyers rather than a reflection on the mothers. The protective mothers also repeatedly complain that their attorneys refuse to present evidence of abuse and are unwilling to work with a domestic violence expert.

A Solution for Creating Qualified Attorneys

Elizabeth Liu and I have written a comprehensive book containing 26 chapters and over 500 pages of information to help attorneys present strong cases on behalf of victims of domestic violence and to counter the common abuser legal tactics. The book is Representing the Domestic Violence Survivor: Critical Legal Issues; Effective Safety Strategies. It is based on our belief that attorneys should make full use of current scientific research to support their client’s cases and challenge practices that have been shown to work poorly for children. It is also based on using a multi-disciplinary approach and understanding that judges and lawyers are the experts in the law, mental health professionals are the experts in psychology and domestic violence advocates are the experts in domestic violence. This is important because courts routinely treat judges, lawyers and evaluators as if they were experts in domestic violence. The Saunders’ study confirmed our belief that domestic violence advocates are among the professionals with the most knowledge about domestic violence and that evaluators, lawyers and judges frequently do not have the specific training needed to effectively respond to domestic violence cases. We believe collaboration among professionals with complementary knowledge and training would improve the courts’ response to domestic violence and the assistance of domestic violence experts is critical to recognizing the best interests of children in domestic violence cases.

We believe that three of the best sources of current research about domestic violence are the Saunders’ study, The Batterer as Parent and Domestic Violence, Abuse and Child Custody. We were familiar with much of the research in the Saunders’ study from the presentation by Dr. Saunders and his colleagues at the 2010 NCADV conference and discussions we had with him. After we submitted our manuscript, the U. S. Department of Justice released the Saunders’ study and an updated version of The Batterer as Parent was released. We rewrote some parts of the book and especially the citations in order to include the new material from these valuable sources. We hope to encourage attorneys to use this research to support their clients’ cases. The fact that Dan Saunders prepared his report for the U. S. Department of Justice gives it an aura of reliability and neutrality that should make it harder for judges to dismiss.

Our book focuses on child custody cases, but we also have two chapters about criminal cases and another about civil protection orders. Many of the chapters in the book contain information that will apply to any case that involves domestic violence issues. We believe many parts of our book can be cited by attorneys to support various points they want to make in their cases.

Preliminary Work with their Clients

The first chapter discusses the fact that domestic violence cases are very different than other cases. Many aspects of domestic violence are counterintuitive so that it is easy to misunderstand a party’s behavior unless the professional is considering the domestic violence context and understands the dynamics of domestic violence. The custody courts have developed a lot of practices designed to encourage the parties to cooperate. This may be useful in other kinds of cases, but often places domestic violence survivors at risk and undermines their cases and the safety of themselves and their children. We frequently see mothers blamed for the difficulty they have in cooperating with their abusers instead of courts blaming the abuser for actions that made such cooperation problematic.

In domestic violence cases the safety of victims and their children needs to be the paramount consideration. There is no other type of case including crimes involving gang members that is more likely to lead to murder or serious injury of parties, witnesses or court personnel. Courts make serious errors when they fail to recognize the dangers or minimize the risks. As an example, we often see courts assume that the risk of violence is reduced when the parties have separated. In reality the research demonstrates that the most dangerous time for women is after they have left. Similarly the frequency of court assisted child murders confirms the danger involved in these cases. Accordingly it is important for lawyers to clearly and directly inform courts at the start of a case that it is a domestic violence case and the court needs to give safety considerations the highest priority. This approach helps to protect the safety of the client and her children and also avoids approaches that undermine her case.

The chapter on interviewing clients helps attorneys understand the concerns survivors have and how to make them feel comfortable sharing what are often painful and embarrassing experiences. We emphasize the importance of attorneys making it clear they work for the client and will follow any proper request. Dara Carlin provided some wonderful insights about the need for male attorneys to consider how their behavior and body language could affect their clients.

The paramount importance of safety is emphasized in the chapter about safety planning. The client is the expert about the risks her ex-partner poses and lawyers must take these concerns seriously. A safety plan should be created, often with the assistance of a domestic violence advocate. Attorneys need to avoid actions that could place the client in jeopardy and strongly advocate for relief that is necessary for the safety of the client and her children.

The first chapter we wrote was about effectively putting together the comprehensive pattern of abuse. One of the biggest problems with the custody courts’ response to domestic violence is the frequent failure to recognize true complaints of abuse. Judges are often criticized for this mistake, but in fairness the widespread failure of attorneys to present important evidence and particularly to put together the pattern of the father’s abuse makes it harder for judges to believe the mothers’ allegations. Providing this information would also increase the chances of GALs and evaluators acting in good faith to support the mothers’ complaints.

I have often heard judges and other court professionals lament the difficulty in responding to what they see as a “he-said-she-said” case. In many cases the abuser has “only” engaged in physical abuse a few times. His purpose is not to cause as much pain as possible, but rather to coerce his partner to do what he wants. Once she knows what he is capable of these tactics have been successful and he only needs to remind her what could happen if she doesn’t obey. Court professionals who do not understand domestic violence dynamics tend to focus only on physical abuse and try to figure out who is telling the truth about a couple of disputed incidents.

In reality most domestic violence tactics do not involve physical abuse. More common are tactics that include emotional, verbal, psychological and economic abuse, monitoring and isolating behaviors. Courts can also look at past parenting practices. They rarely consider why a father who had limited involvement with the children during the relationship is suddenly demanding custody. Litigation abuse is a common tactic both to harass the mother and in an attempt to bankrupt her. We recommend that attorneys and their clients put together this pattern of coercive and controlling behaviors which can help demonstrate the father’s motivation for seeking custody. Often many of these other tactics are more easily proven or even admitted by abusers who see nothing wrong with them. In the context of her complaints and his denials of physical abuse, this pattern of other controlling and coercive behaviors should be very convincing. It is also helpful to show how his abusive tactics are continuing because many inadequately trained professionals believe the end of the relationship suggests he is now safe even if he acted improperly while they were together. Knowing that his abusive tactics will be used against him may discourage some of the more harmful tactics and this can only benefit the children.

Effective Preparation and Presentation of Domestic Violence Cases

Throughout the book we provide examples of how to use current scientific research to bolster domestic violence cases. We have one chapter which is all about the value of using this research and how to include it in the case. We discuss ways to make it easier for judges to be open to this research. A later chapter discusses the best ways to approach judges in an effort to educate them about domestic violence in ways they can hear.

Domestic violence advocates are the experts about domestic violence so it was important to include a chapter about working with domestic violence agencies. We encourage attorneys to work with the client’s advocate and learn from her. Advocates are particularly important in helping to create a safety plan and recognizing dangers. Potentially, advocates can be the expert witnesses needed to inform the court about domestic violence issues. This is especially important because many mothers would have no other opportunity to access an expert witness. We believe if advocates regularly served as experts it would educate court professionals so as to improve the court response to other domestic violence cases.

We have a chapter about how to work with Guardians ad litem or other attorneys representing the children. When possible we encourage attorneys to provide the research and information about domestic violence to the GAL and try to convince them to support the mother’s position. When the GAL is a “fathers’ rights” supporter or otherwise biased for the father we discuss ways to challenge the GAL. At the end of the chapter are a group of best practices for GALs in domestic violence cases. We hope that protective mothers and their attorneys will share these pages with their GAL so they can see the basis for practices that would benefit their clients.

The chapter about working with child protective agencies recognizes that caseworkers, like judges, lawyers and evaluators usually do not have the domestic violence training they need, but the training they receive often gives them a false sense of competence. Accordingly it is useful to provide them with current research and help them see the pattern of abuse. Best practices require caseworkers to consult with domestic violence advocates regarding domestic violence cases and some agencies have this arrangement. If your community has not adopted these successful strategies we encourage those supporting protective mothers to lobby for these best practices. Knowing the frequent flaws in the child protective response to domestic violence cases can be used to inform courts about the real meaning of child protective outcomes.

The reliance by courts on inadequately trained evaluators and other “experts” has contributed to the failure of courts to protect children from abusers. We have included chapters in the book about challenging the use of unhelpful professionals, cross-examining evaluators and obtaining genuine experts to support the cases of protective mothers.

We believe it is important for attorneys to raise concerns about the appointment of an evaluator before the appointment is made. Once the evaluator submits an unfavorable report any complaints will be seen as a reaction to the unfavorable information. In a domestic violence case, courts need expertise about domestic violence. They may or may not need the help of a mental health professional depending on whether there is credible information that one of the parties or the children has a serious mental illness. Credible information would have to be more than the alleged abuser saying she is crazy. If there are no significant mental health issues in the case, there is no reason for an evaluation and attorneys should object to any appointment of an evaluator. As things stand today few psychologists or other potential evaluators have the necessary expertise in domestic violence to respond appropriately to domestic violence allegations. In many cases they fail to recognize domestic violence because of their ignorance and limitations and then label the mother paranoid or delusional because the evaluator missed the father’s history of abuse.

If there are legitimate mental health issues it is important to understand these are separate from the domestic violence issues. Treating an abuser’s mental illness is a good thing, but does nothing to alleviate his belief system that supports his abuse of the mother and often the children. Accordingly the attorney should ask that any evaluator who is appointed also be an expert in domestic violence or be requested to consult with such an expert about the domestic violence issues. Evaluators often claim to have expertise in domestic violence based on limited training they have received. The Saunders’ study establishes that this standard training is usually insufficient. There is strong support by Saunders, The Batterer as Parent, ethical rules for psychologists and psychiatrists and the Greenbook Initiative for evaluators to consult with domestic violence advocates in domestic violence cases. Any failure to do this or refusal to accept their expertise can be used to challenge any unfavorable report.

One of the most common reasons for the failure of evaluators to recognize true allegations of abuse is the widespread belief in the myth that women frequently make false allegations of abuse. This is especially prevalent among evaluators who are part of the cottage industry supporting abusers, but is also common for evaluators acting in good faith but without the necessary expertise. The research demonstrates that mothers rarely make deliberately false complaints of abuse and fathers involved in contested custody are 16 times more likely to make deliberately false allegations. It is important that courts be made aware of this information. This research is particularly helpful for cross-examining unqualified evaluators. They can be asked how frequent they believe deliberately false allegations are. They will likely overestimate mothers’ false allegations and underestimate lies by fathers. Evaluators can also be asked how often they support mothers and fathers in their reports. Their estimates are usually not reliable and they may tend to claim it is close to 50-50 because they think this shows neutrality. When you consider that most allegations by mothers are true and most contested cases involve abusive fathers this would mean they are sending a lot of children to live with abusers.

We recommend asking evaluators if they have read the leading research such as the Saunders’ study. Their failure to be familiar with this research should undermine their credibility. Particularly helpful is a finding that inadequately trained evaluators tend to focus on the myth that women frequently make false allegations, unscientific alienation theories and beliefs that attempts by mothers to protect children from abusive fathers are harmful to the children. This is perfect for challenging evaluators who focused on these issues. Saunders found that evaluators with this focus tend to make recommendations that are harmful to children.

Particularly interesting in the Saunders’ study is a finding that social workers make better recommendations in domestic violence cases than psychologists and psychiatrists. This seems surprising because we would expect professionals with more education to be more qualified. One reason for this discrepancy is that social workers are more likely to take a holistic approach. This is important because context is critical to understand domestic violence cases and court professionals often look at each issue and incident separately and so miss patterns and context. The other major reason is the reliance on psychological tests that were not developed for the populations seen in family court. This often results in focusing on minor personality differences that are used to pathologize protective mothers. The findings in the Robin Yeamans’ chapter of my book with Mo Therese Hannah further support our concern about the reliance on psychological tests. Under the best of circumstances they are accurate only 55-65% of the time and when there is domestic violence or a contentious custody case these odds are further reduced.

The Saunders’ research is particularly helpful in responding to the worst recommendations that involve custody to the alleged abuser and supervised or no visitation to the safe, protective mother who always provided good care for the children and is their primary attachment figure. Saunders refers to these as harmful outcomes because they are always harmful to the children. The risk of separating children from their primary attachment figure, a risk that includes higher rates of depression, low self-esteem and suicide when older, is greater than any benefit the evaluator believed he was providing. It will be hard to justify this risk on cross-examination because in truth the evaluator never considered it. The extreme outcomes are a strong indication of deeply flawed practices so that most of the time the opposite result would work better for the children.

The Saunders’ study found that court professionals need not just general domestic violence training, but training in specific topics that include screening for domestic violence, risk assessment, impact of domestic violence on children and post-separation violence. Saunders found that the people most likely to have this necessary expertise are domestic violence advocates. This makes sense because it is what they focus on full time as part of their jobs, but too often courts are more focused on mental health degrees or treat advocates as biased because the support the purpose of domestic violence laws. We hope the Saunders’ study and our book will be used to encourage the use of domestic violence experts in court. We hope to work with the NCADV and others to make training available to advocates and encourage those of us who are familiar with this research to serve as expert witnesses. This will be a way to bring this research in front of the court and start providing accurate information about domestic violence.

Responding to Specific Issues

In a court system that often fails to protect victims of abuse, their most catastrophic failure involves sexual abuse allegations. Although mothers rarely make deliberately false allegations, 85% of custody cases with sexual abuse allegations result in custody to the alleged abuser. This is a statistic we would like court professionals to hear frequently because it means present practices are forcing an awful lot of kids to live with their rapists.

The frequent failure of custody courts to respond appropriately to sexual abuse cases means mothers are often faced with a heartrending decision. If they seek to protect their children from unspeakable violations by raising the issue of abuse, they are likely to lose custody and probably be limited to supervised visitation. This gives them no opportunity to help their children. If they do not raise the father’s sexual abuse they will be sending their children to be raped. An attorney can explain the risks and chances for success, but only the mother can make this decision. We believe it is important for the attorney to make clear to their client that she will represent her as zealously as possible no matter what the mother decides.

If the mother decides to raise the sexual abuse issue, we believe it is important for the attorney to make the court aware that many of the common practices by courts in response to sexual abuse work poorly for children. The attorney should promise to present information based on current research and ask the court to be open to the likelihood the allegations are true no matter how painful that realization would be. The attorney should also attempt to avoid investigation strategies that tend to silence the child.

The child should be protected from access by the father that can be used to pressure the child to recant and to prevent his friends and family from also seeking to influence the child. Some courts think it would be neutral to also separate the child from the protective mother so she cannot influence the child. The problem is the child will view this as a punishment and this will encourage her to recant in order to be reunited with her protective parent. Sexual abuse is a painful and embarrassing experience for children just as it is for adults. We often see caseworkers; GALs, judges or other professionals expect children to reveal their most private experiences after only a brief time for creating a trusting relationship. Unsurprisingly children often refuse to talk about the abuse and inadequately trained professionals treat this refusal as proof the allegations are false. The attorney should advocate for arrangements that give the child a chance to develop a trusting relationship with the professional assigned to interview the child before expecting the child to speak about their experiences. The use of play therapy, especially for younger children is a particularly good idea.

We often see evaluators and other mental health professionals assigned to sexual abuse cases despite a lack of expertise. A psychology degree and regular work as an evaluator does not guarantee expertise in child sexual abuse. We also recommend when possible to call a genuine expert who can help the court understand the issues in the case and avoid common mistakes. The expert can speak about the difficulty in proving child sexual abuse and that despite expectations there often is no physical evidence either because of the nature of the abuse or the delay before the child reports it. Children who are repeatedly interviewed may discuss emotional details in a bland manner that is often mistaken as proof the allegations are false. The expert can also explain that in most cases the abuser does not assault the child in front of witnesses for obvious reasons. Accordingly the mother has no personal knowledge but is reacting to something the child said or their behavior. Accordingly there are several possible explanations for the allegations. The most likely is that the father abused the child. Other common situations are that there was a boundary violation, but no abuse, the evidence is equivocal or a good faith allegation was wrong. The least likely cause is a deliberate false report, but courts often create a high standard of proof and tremendous skepticism about abuse allegations and assume if it is not adequately proven it must be an attempt at alienation.

Abusers often threaten to bankrupt mothers if they dare to leave them, but many court professionals fail to consider the use of economic abuse as an important part of domestic violence tactics. The book discusses how many common abuser tactics can be used against them to show their motivation. In one case the abuser refused benefits from his job for the children which would cost him nothing and spent thousands of dollars in legal fees to challenge a school expense for his daughter of a few hundred dollars. This clearly demonstrates his motive if only court professionals would start to use this information. When abusers see these tactics are used against them it might discourage these harmful actions and that can only benefit the children. We also discuss the gender bias in the way child support is enforced more aggressively against mothers.

The chapter about civil protection orders discusses the importance of safety which is a major theme in our book. It is supported by the Saunders’ study finding about the need for risk assessment. We also address the importance of preventing mutual restraining orders and the common abuser tactic of seeking their own protective orders. We emphasize the need for a finding of abuse in the protective order case so that the finding can be used in the custody case.

There is some older research that suggests shared parenting can benefit children under the most favorable circumstances that include parents who can cooperate, want to voluntarily share parenting and live nearby. More recent research demonstrates that shared parenting works poorly for children even under the best of circumstances because it disrupts their lives, two homes are really no homes and items they need are often at the wrong home. It is not necessary to resolve this conflict because all research confirms that shared parenting is never appropriate in the domestic violence cases the book is considering. Even if the allegations were untrue, just the allegations demonstrate the most favorable circumstances for shared parenting do not exist. We encourage attorneys to make courts aware of this research and eliminate the possibility of shared parenting as soon as possible.

Many of the cases in which parental alienation syndrome (PAS) was used, particularly early in its history were allowed because the attorneys for protective mothers failed to object, or did so ineffectively. PAS was concocted by Richard Gardner not based on any research but from his personal experience, beliefs and biases. This included many public statements to the effect that sex between adults and children can be acceptable. Few attorneys knew this or raised it in court. We recommend that this be mentioned early because we believe judges will not want to be associated with a theory that supports incest.

We also believe it is significant that supporters of PAS put tremendous pressure on the American Psychological Association to include it in the DSM-V but it was rejected because there is no valid scientific basis for it. If scientists confirm there is no scientific basis how can courts possibly consider it? Furthermore, PAS is based on the assumption that virtually all allegations of abuse made by mothers are false but the actual research found that less than two percent is deliberately false. The Saunders study is the latest to confirm that false allegations by mothers are rare and PAS is invalid.

Many supporters of PAS are now calling it something else such as alienation or parental alienation because PAS itself has become so notorious. It is important for attorneys to make clear that it is often used by another name but if alienation is assumed to be the mother’s fault, and is solely based on the poor relationship between father and child and the proponents seek extreme remedies that we earlier discussed are always harmful to children, this is PAS. We also believe it is important not just to challenge PAS, but to argue that any professional supporting PAS by any name proves they are unqualified and any party attempting to use it demonstrates the likelihood they are abusive since it is the favorite tactic of abusers.

The next chapter is about friendly parent approaches which come from the same people who have caused so much harm with PAS. Friendly parent approaches are often used in a gender biased manner so that only behaviors more likely to be done by the custodial mother are treated as unfriendly and somehow abusive tactics that more often are committed by non-custodial fathers are not considered. It is no accident that states that support friendly parent approaches are less likely to recognize and respond effectively to domestic violence. This is exactly what those who promote these approaches are trying to accomplish.

We have two chapters about criminal cases. In cases where abusers are the defendants, we believe it is important that the outcome include a finding or admission about his domestic violence crimes so that he cannot deny it later. The mother’s attorney can work with the prosecutor to support the case. The research demonstrates that the only actions shown to change abusers’ behavior are accountability and monitoring. Accordingly, if the mother supports this the attorney can share this research with the prosecutor. We also strongly support strict enforcement of protective orders and want prosecutors to enforce witness tampering laws because that is extremely common in domestic violence cases.

Increasingly, abusers are using false criminal complaints as a tactic to regain control. They often make the complaint at the start of a custody case to gain initial control of the children. Accordingly it is important for attorneys to make prosecutors aware of the research that fathers involved in contested custody are 16 times more likely to make false allegations. Therefore they should be extremely skeptical of such complaints and investigate thoroughly before bringing charges. This is especially important because once they bring charges based on the father’s complaint they will be reluctant to charge him with his crimes because it would undermine the earlier case. Attorney need to consider that a plea deal that might be beneficial in the criminal case can undermine the custody case which was exactly the reason the false charge was made.

Our chapter about supervised visitation deals with both the problem of using supervised visitation for protective mothers who pose no safety risk and failing to use it effectively for abusive fathers who pose a serious risk. The Saunders’ study found that courts are not using supervised visitation enough for alleged abusers. Part of this is a lack of availability. These are cases where the children’s safety is at risk so it ought to be a priority. Accordingly it is a particularly poor practice to waste these resources on Supervising safe, protective mothers usually based on unscientific alienation theories or pathologizing their normal response to their partner’s abuse. We also see professionals without an understanding of domestic violence dynamics assume that an abuser’s ability to behave appropriately while supervised demonstrates it is safe for the children to interact with him without supervision.

We included a chapter about vicarious trauma because this is an important issue that is rarely discussed. Lawyers and other professionals must hear incredibly painful stories and this often creates a harmful emotional impact that can negatively impact their effectiveness as attorneys. It is important for attorneys to take care of themselves, seek support and professional help if needed. We hope our book will bring more awareness to this problem.

Responding to Cases with Harmful Outcomes

Our chapter about appeals is particularly important in the context of the frequency with which courts mishandle domestic violence cases. This provides the best way to overcome bad decisions by hostile or biased trial judges. We emphasize that it is critical to make a strong record during the trial. If an issue is not raised during trial, the appellate court is likely to refuse to consider the issue. Sociological studies have long been used in appellate briefs so the research we discuss throughout the book can be used to buttress survivors’ appeals. They can also be used in amicus briefs that we also encourage. Including this information not only improves the chances for a successful appeal, but educates judges and lawyers so that the information can benefit mothers and children in other cases.

While an appeal is an avenue to overturn a bad trial court decision that addressed previous facts and legal challenges, a modification petition may be used to change custody after the custody arrangement has been shown to work poorly. This requires proof of a change of circumstance. We encourage attorneys to view custody decisions as a prediction about what arrangement will work best for children. We constantly see cases in which the abusive father is given custody based on the assumption that he is more likely to promote the relationship between mother and children. This common assumption fails to consider that he sought custody to regain control over his victim. Accordingly it is completely predictable that he uses the control the court gave him to undermine the mother’s relationship. We believe this and various violations of the court order that interfere with visitation rights can be used as a change of circumstance. We also believe the new research that demonstrates the assumptions made by the trial court turned out to be wrong is also a change of circumstance. Combining subsequent events that challenge the court’s prediction with new research that explains why the arrangement works poorly for children makes a particularly strong argument for modification. Testimony by an expert witness who can place this research into evidence, and put the father’s actions since the custody order into context make a particularly strong argument for modification.

We have included a chapter about seeking publicity because it is a subject that often comes up in response to bad decisions and a judge who is not open to information that demonstrates the existing arrangements are harming the children. We urge protective mothers to be able to articulate to what end they seek publicity. How is it going to change the bad arrangement? There is a very real danger the court and the abuser will retaliate and that must be considered. Ultimately this is a decision for the mother to make and the attorney should help her as long as it does not violate any court order or ethical consideration. The attorney should also make the mother aware of the potential negative consequences the court may impose. Mothers also need to be realistic about their ability to obtain coverage. The media has been reluctant to cover this issue and most of the time mothers have been disappointed by their inability to attract press coverage.

I started this article discussing the difficulty protective mothers are having in finding effective representation. The court system has responded to criticism about their flawed response to domestic violence with extreme defensiveness. They have retaliated against protective mothers and professionals who support them. In the process the courts have ignored First Amendment protections and misused disciplinary procedures. At the same time they have ignored widespread ethical violations. In the final chapter of the book, we discuss the ethical obligation to zealously represent the client. The retaliation by too many courts has made it dangerous for lawyers to advocate zealously. We also see many attorneys reluctant to present domestic violence evidence or challenge a court’s mistakes because they are afraid it will undermine their relationship with the judge and thus harm the position of other clients. This is a fundamental conflict of interest because attorneys cannot undermine the position of one client to benefit another one. The widespread failure of attorneys to obtain the necessary training in domestic violence, as confirmed in the Saunders’ report also has ethical ramifications. By seeking to silence criticism and refusing to enforce ethical obligations the court system makes it difficult for survivors to obtain good representation. They also undermine the public’s confidence in the fairness of our judicial system.

The Difference the Book Could Make

For Lawyers: The book provides exactly the information and ideas competent attorneys need to present strong domestic violence cases. It helps them with specific issues they will face and provides the citations they will need. This will allow attorneys who want to represent domestic violence survivors to do so effectively and to be prepared for the common abuser tactics they will face.

We hope this will be a big part of the answer about where to find a good attorney. We hope to create a system where we can keep a list of attorneys who have read the book and so are qualified to handle these cases. This will help mothers find good attorneys and allow attorneys who want to be on the right side of this issue to develop practices that support protective moms. We hope the book will encourage attorneys to work closely with domestic violence advocates which can only strengthen their cases and provide access to valuable information. When mothers can bring in experts to testify about the research available and consult with the attorneys, this information will benefit the attorney in future cases as well. In effect the attorney is getting expert personalized training at no cost. I have seen some attorneys request to be paid for reading the information in Domestic Violence, Abuse and Child Custody and I think it is wrong. If they do not have the needed training they should not expect the client to pay for their time to learn. Instead it should be viewed by attorneys as an advantage to learn from one case and then use the learning for other cases.

For Courts: There are many factors that have caused courts to mishandle so many domestic violence custody cases. I believe a big part of the problem is that they developed practices at a time when no research was available and decided to rely on mental health professionals as if their expertise included domestic violence. This led to lawyers and judges hearing a lot of misinformation that has become deeply ingrained. Even when the right information is presented, it is so different from what they are used to that it sounds off.

We believe this book could help reverse this process if lawyers learn from the book and start presenting strong cases based on current research. As more attorneys provide courts with the pattern of abuse court professionals should start looking for evidence that they now ignore. As the attorneys provide genuine expert witnesses who can explain current research and domestic violence dynamics the courts will start to expect more than just a personal opinion. We hope this will lead to better training practices based on current research. We particularly hope that findings in the Saunders’ report, which should be seen as a neutral source will convince judges that they need to take a fresh look at outdated practices that work poorly for children. As good judges start making better decisions, the extreme decisions by bad judges will stick out more and hopefully lead to reversals and even discipline.

For Domestic Violence Survivors: We hope and expect that this book will make it easier for domestic violence survivors to find capable attorneys. The suggestions in the book will also make it easier for protective moms forced to represent themselves. We hope over time it will make the courts more open to hearing the necessary information. The book should encourage survivors to work with domestic violence advocates and this is especially helpful in custody cases. The book should make it easier to obtain qualified expert witnesses both by encouraging the courts to look at domestic violence expertise instead of just advanced degrees that are unrelated to domestic violence and child abuse. The book also provides a lot of resources for protective moms with bad outcomes to seek a modification based on the new research.

The book was written based on the reality that the present response to domestic violence cases is not working well for children. So often we see mothers forced to focus on pretend issues and pretend reality because the court professionals do not know how to recognize valid allegations of abuse. We deeply admire protective mothers who work so hard to safeguard their children and hope our book will make their job a little easier.

I would like to thank Elizabeth Liu for her assistance in writing this article about our new book. I have had the pleasure of getting to know her better and the advantage of her wisdom and knowledge in preparing this book. For more information about the book, including access to the first approximately 50 pages or to purchase the book go to the publisher’s web site at http://civicresearchinstitute.com/rdv.html

Barry Goldstein is a nationally recognized domestic violence expert, speaker, writer and consultant. He is the co-editor with Mo Therese Hannah of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY. Representing the Domestic Violence Survivor, co authored with Elizabeth Liu is designed to train attorneys to present domestic violence cases and was be released in April of 2013. Barry can be reached by email from their web site www.Domesticviolenceabuseandchildcustody.com 

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

UNDERSTANDING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE DYNAMICS: A PREREQUISITE FOR COURT PROFESSIONALS TO WORK ON DV CUSTODY CASES



by Barry Goldstein

The frequency with which judges, lawyers, evaluators, child protective caseworkers and other professionals fail to recognize true complaints of domestic violence made by mothers in child custody cases has led to extensive discussions among domestic violence experts about the need for training. In many of these cases the professionals denied valid complaints despite receiving domestic violence training. Too often they believe their training makes them qualified to decide domestic violence issues and so refuse to consider information or testimony from domestic violence experts.

Obviously good training provided by knowledgeable experts given to professionals who are open to hearing and embracing new information can be and often is helpful. I remember trying one case in which the judge found that the father had committed domestic violence against the mother. The judge told us that he had recently gone for domestic violence training and would have made the opposite decision if not for the training.

Unfortunately not all trainings are good and many are conducted by judges or mental health professionals without the needed expertise. Too often judges are only willing to listen to other judges, lawyers to lawyers and psychologists to psychologists. This is an unfortunate practice because a multi-disciplinary approach works best and as demonstrated by the recent Saunders’ study released by the US Department of Justice, domestic violence advocates have the most expertise on the specific domestic violence topics court professionals need in order to protect children. Of particular concern are trainings in which misinformation is provided. We have seen court sponsored trainings that include unscientific theories like parental alienation syndrome, fail to recognize the gendered nature of domestic violence and create a false equivalency concerning assaults by men and women. Many court professionals have been taught to treat contested custody as “high conflict” cases in which both parents are acting out in ways that are harmful to the children. The actual research establishes that a large majority of contested custody, probably as much as 90% are domestic violence cases in which the abusers are seeking custody as a tactic in order to maintain control over their victims. High conflict approaches often result in harmful practices where courts pressure victims to cooperate with their abusers instead of pressuring the abusers to stop their abuse. This often results in punishing mothers (and children) because she did not “get over it.”

Many genuine experts have expressed concerns after participating in good trainings that the professionals failed to pay attention because they wrongly believed they already understood domestic violence. In one Queens, New York case, I had the opportunity to cross-examine Dr. Paul Marcus about a training he attended in order to qualify as a parent coordinator. He had received some excellent research articles at the training that would have informed his investigation. When pressed by my questions he claimed to only have skimmed the articles, but in reality he had no knowledge of the information and repeatedly made the mistakes the articles could have helped him avoid. He eventually characterized his experience at the training as “not life-changing.” Unfortunately the children put at risk by his unqualified approaches badly needed him to have a life altering experience.

The history of the court system’s response to domestic violence custody cases contributes to problems around training. When domestic violence first became a public issue in the mid to late 1970s there was little research available. Many popular assumptions such as the belief that domestic violence was caused by mental illness, substance abuse or the actions of the victim influenced the court response to domestic violence but turned out to be wrong. These mistaken assumptions led courts to rely on mental health professionals as if they were the experts despite having no expertise in domestic violence. Over the years many lawyers and judges learned misinformation from psychologists and other mental health professionals that has become deeply ingrained. This has contributed to a significant problem that many courts refuse to listen to domestic violence experts or devalue their important contributions. I believe it is important that the Saunders’ study specifically found that the standard and required training in domestic violence received by judges, lawyers and evaluators does not provide them with the necessary expertise to understand domestic violence cases. This is an important explanation for why custody courts so frequently get domestic violence cases wrong. This prestigious study coming out of the US Justice Department ought to be a wake-up call for court administrators to reconsider training and practices concerning domestic violence. I have not seen this yet, but the report is less than a year old and I still hope the courts will have enough concern about the well-being of children to take this research seriously. The biggest obstacles to creating the needed reforms are the defensiveness and misplaced confidence of court officials and the financial incentive of a cottage industry of lawyers and mental health professionals who have made good livings promoting bogus approaches that support abusers.

The Importance of Understanding Domestic Violence Dynamics

It is well known that boys who witness domestic violence are far more likely to abuse future partners than boys never exposed to domestic violence. At the same time the fact that many boys who witness their fathers’ abuse of their mothers seek to avoid any mistreatment of women. Some, like former Yankee manager Joe Torre and Detective Mark Wynn have used their negative childhood experiences to become leaders in the work to end men’s violence against women.

In their new version of The Batterer as Parent, Lundy Bancroft and his colleagues consider the important question of why boys react so differently to witnessing domestic violence. Their finding is that boys who continue the pattern of abuse towards their intimate partners have a much greater sense of entitlement than boys who avoid committing these crimes. This does not explain why some boys have a greater sense of entitlement, but is important in understanding the gendered nature of domestic violence.

One of the first things we learn as instructors in the NY Model Batterer Program where I teach is that domestic violence is rooted in history. There is a long history of husbands abusing their wives and societal messages that this is acceptable. There is a history of women being considered the property first of their fathers and then of their husbands. This is demonstrated in a common part of many weddings in which the father gives the bridge to the husband. There is no equivalent history of wives controlling husbands with state support. Researchers and professionals who seek to create a false equivalency between how men and women treat each other make the mistake of ignoring this history in addition to the size and strength differential that is common between men and women.

Domestic violence involves tactics that men use to coerce and control their intimate partners and pressure them to allow him to make the major decisions in the relationship. Most of these abusive tactics do not involve physical assaults. The Pattern and the Purpose of these tactics are critical to understanding the nature of domestic violence. Abusers typically seek to obfuscate what they are doing by discussing each incident out of context. They often seek to start the discussion at the point his partner reacts to his abuse. Inadequately trained professionals often fall for this manipulation because they fail to understand the importance of context and often seek to create a false sense of equivalency in a misguided attempt to be fair to both parties.

Accordingly it is critical for court professionals and others trying to understand the relationship between an abuser and his victim to be fully aware and knowledgeable about domestic violence dynamics. Many acts that seem the same on the surface are very different when context and purpose are considered. One of the most common mistakes courts make in domestic violence cases is to consider each incident and each issue separately. This makes it extremely difficult for judges to understand the context in which the events occurred. We see many cases in which a court initially tries a case involving one of the abuser’s domestic violence tactics. The court may deny the allegation either because of inadequate evidence or because it fails to properly understand the evidence. Once the decision denying the allegation is made, many courts assume this establishes that the allegations of abuse are false. This results in a refusal to ever again consider the father’s abusive behavior or limiting any consideration to new incidents without considering the context of his previous abuse. This is not a practice that is neutral, but rather one that favors abusers and contributes to the frequency that courts fail to protect children from abusers.

What Happens When Court Professionals Do Not Understand DV Dynamics?

Many professionals who have received training in domestic violence have learned that victims are usually afraid of their abuser. Indeed the abuser engages in frightening tactics to make her afraid to challenge him. This is useful knowledge, but can be misapplied by someone who does not understand domestic violence dynamics. In many cases the mother is afraid of the father but summons the courage to challenge her abuser and even the court because she is trying to protect her children. Her actions are often misunderstood as proof she could not possibly have been abused.

In one notorious case, an evaluator, in her report wrote that the mother is a strong and articulate woman so could not possibly need a domestic violence advocate. All of the domestic violence experts who testified in the case were outraged at this statement and recognized her statement proved she was not qualified to handle domestic violence cases. The judge who was extremely confident of his domestic violence knowledge failed to see the problem with this statement and gave custody to the abusive father and supervised visitation to the protective mother without an evidentiary hearing.

An even more tragic example of this common mistake occurred in the Castillo case from Maryland. The mother sought a protective order to prevent unsupervised visitation between the abusive father and the children. Immediately before going to court the mother had sexual relations with her husband. The judge believed the father could not be too dangerous if the mother was still having sex with him and denied the mother’s request. Being ignorant of domestic violence dynamics, the judge never considered that the mother might have had sex with the father because she was afraid of what he might have done if she refused. The father used the access granted him by the judge to kill their three children. At a subsequent legislative hearing, a “fathers’ rights” legislator sought to use the sexual relations to embarrass the mother in order to justify his opposition to reforms that would make it easier for victims to obtain restraining orders. In other words he did not understand why the mother would have sexual relations even after he knew the outcome.

Many aspects of domestic violence are counterintuitive. The knowledge of domestic violence dynamics helps professionals and others avoid mistakes based on circumstances that otherwise do not seem logical. Judge Mike Brigner wrote a chapter in our book Domestic Violence, Abuse and Child Custody in which he described the most common question he receives when he provides domestic violence training to judges and other court professionals. The question is what to do about women who are lying. When he asks what they mean they cite examples of women who return to their abusers, fail to follow-through on petitions for protective orders or do not have police or medical records to document the father’s abuse. All of these examples are common responses to domestic violence for safety and other good reasons.

Another very common example is that a court professional will observe an allegedly abusive father interact with his children. The children show no fear so they assume the father could not be abusive. The children understand their father would never hurt them in front of a witness so are comfortable interacting with him. Indeed they may miss his presence. Court professionals without an understanding of domestic violence dynamics often treat these non-probative facts as if they prove the abuse allegations are false. This leads to the denial of a lot of true allegations.

Similarly, we sometimes see cases in which an abusive father is initially limited to supervised visitation. The court often wants a report from the supervisor about how the father interacted with the children. In most cases the father acted appropriately and the court believes his ability to behave while supervised means it is safe for him to have unsupervised visitation or even custody. Someone who understood domestic violence dynamics would know that with rare exceptions the father’s abuse is not caused by his inability to control his behavior. In fact he often controls his behavior when there are witnesses present or other reasons why he would suffer consequences if he engaged in abusive tactics. His good behavior while being supervised tells us nothing about how he will behave when he is alone with the children.

Another common error caused by a failure to understand domestic violence dynamics is the assumption that the end of the relationship or the lack of a recent physical attack means the abuser is no longer dangerous. This is based on the common fallacy that domestic violence only has to do with physical abuse and the failure to understand the purpose of domestic violence tactics. When a batterer assaults his partner once or twice that is often sufficient to maintain control because she knows what he is capable of. The threat of further violence or even just the same tone of voice, body language or demeanor is sufficient to coerce the victim to do what he wants because she is afraid of being hit again. His other non-violent domestic violence tactics further reinforce his danger. Many of the gender bias committees found that blaming women for the actions of her abuser is a common example of gender bias. A common example of this is when a mother is punished for continuing to express fear of her abuser based on earlier incidents.

The Saunders’ study specifically recommends that court professionals have training in post-separation violence. This is because of the frequency that unqualified court professionals, anxious to keep fathers in children’s lives assume the end of the relationship makes the father safe. This is based on the false belief that his violence was caused by disputes between the parties that would be avoided when they no longer live together. The actual research demonstrates that the most dangerous time for a woman is after she has left her abuser. Three-quarters of women murdered by their intimate partners are killed after they ended the relationship. Most of the contested custody cases are based on the abuser tactic of seeking custody to regain control over the mother. He has often told her that if she leaves he will take away the children and bankrupt her. Court professionals without an understanding of domestic violence dynamics rarely recognize his litigation tactics and willingness to harm the children in order to maintain control as a continuation of his domestic violence tactics.

In one Oklahoma case, the abusive father spent thousands of dollars and demanded depositions of administrators in a school his daughter attended over disputed fees that were far less than he spent on legal fees. He refused health and child care benefits from his employer that would have cost him nothing. When it became obvious he could not gain custody, he asked the court to put his children in foster care despite the fact the mother always provided good care of the children. The court never saw these harmful actions as a continuation of his abuse.

In many custody disputes the father has a new wife or girl friend and he uses her to testify that he is a good father and treats her respectfully. He is trying to show that it is only the “crazy” mother who has a problem with him. Many court professionals allow themselves to be manipulated by this tactic. The new partner is usually telling the truth so can be very sincere. He treats her respectfully as long as he needs her testimony to help his custody case. This is completely understandable because domestic violence dynamics explains that abusive men are able to act respectfully. They usually do this at the start of relationships or else there would be no relationship as well as when witnesses are present. Similarly the abuser may provide several friends and family members as witnesses that they never saw him act abusively. This tells us nothing about how he acts to his wife in the privacy of their home, but many court professionals treat this as valuable evidence.

The Saunders’ study also found that evaluators and other court professionals often placed too much emphasis on the mother’s anger or emotion. This is all out of proportion to any impact on children. It is normal for battered women to be angry and emotional at the mistreatment they suffered by their partner and too often by the court. In many cases the abuser deliberately takes actions to upset the victim immediately before a court appearance.

The Saunders’ study found that evaluators and other court professionals without the necessary training in specific topics like risk assessment, screening for domestic violence, post-separation violence and the impact of domestic violence on children tended to focus on harmful beliefs like the myth women frequently make false allegations, unscientific alienation theories and beliefs that attempts to protect children from abusers are harmful to the children. Significantly these mistaken notions are also more common in professionals who do not understand domestic violence dynamics. Saunders found that these beliefs are associated with recommendations and decisions that are harmful to children.

This demonstrates how the interaction of misinformation and ignorance magnify the harm done to children. Michelle Jeker is one of the many victims of the court system’s failure to respond appropriately to domestic violence. At the start of the case I had the opportunity to review statements from many different potential witnesses as I was planning to be an expert witness. I was most impressed that the one witness with training in domestic violence confirmed the mother’s allegations. The court professionals instead relied on statements of friends and family of the father who had no knowledge of his treatment of the mother. She had made some false statements under pressure from her abuser while they were living together and this was used to discredit her. The professionals seemed to never consider the father’s role. When it came time for me to testify, the judge refused to even let me take the stand. He said that he had been a family court judge for 17 years and so did not need the assistance of a domestic violence expert. This is the danger of providing training and particularly partial training because it gave the judge a false sense of confidence despite a lack of understanding of domestic violence dynamics.

The judge’s complete lack of understanding of domestic violence issues is demonstrated by his decision to create the kind of extreme outcome that the Saunders’ study found to always be against the best interests of children. These are cases in which the alleged abuser receives custody and a mother who is the primary attachment figure and always provided good care of the children is limited to supervised or no visitation. We know this is always against the best interests of the children because the harm of separating children from their primary attachment figure, a harm that includes increased risk of depression, low self-esteem and suicide when older is greater than any conceivable benefit the court thinks it is providing.

In fairness to the judge, he did not have the benefit of the Saunders’ study to help avoid his tragic mistake. Unfortunately, subsequent judges have treated the initial mistaken decision as the final word on domestic violence issues so they have been unwilling to hear testimony based on new events and new research that would help the court understand how the existing order is harmful to the children. I do not know what is in the judges’ hearts, but their refusal to consider new information that could undermine the earlier mistakes creates the appearance that they are more interested in protecting themselves and their colleagues instead of the children. Recently, the son hired his own attorney and sought to obtain normal visitation with his mother. The court created an extended delay before it would hear the child’s application. By the time the child met with the judge, the father had sufficient time to silence him so that he was afraid to tell the judge what he wanted.

In similar situations where the father is limited to supervised visitation because of genuine safety issues, courts seem to feel enormous pressure to resume normal visitation with the father. The Jeker case is another example of a pattern that when courts restrict mothers from normal visitation because of alienation or other non-safety issues they are willing to keep these harmful arrangements for many years.

At one point the mother was watching her son’s little league game and the father punched her in the face in front of witnesses. Two other mothers signed affidavits confirming the father’s assault. It turned out that one of the mothers had a child whose law guardian was the attorney for Jeker’s ex-husband. Despite the obvious conflict of interest, the attorney was permitted to continue in the case and unsurprisingly, the witness recanted her allegations. Despite the questionable circumstances, the prosecutor brought charges against the mother. She agreed to a plea based on poor legal representation, but with the promise that would end the matter. Instead it appears she is about to be jailed for the third time because she continues to truthfully say her ex assaulted her. Although research demonstrates that fathers involved in contested custody are 16 times more likely to make false allegations, it seems that it is only abused mothers who are ever subjected to prosecution. This is part of the strategy to silence mothers who complain about the court system as they try to protect their children.

These are the kinds of mistakes that would never be made by professionals who understand domestic violence dynamics or are open to the research that proves courts are making frequent mistakes in domestic violence cases. The court in the Jeker case would be well advised to consider something Joan Zorza, one of the leading experts in domestic violence has written, “Until judges and other professionals receive the specific training they need to recognize these patterns (and as noted previously, many have such strong preconceived notions that they will not learn anything from even the best training), they must consult with genuine DV experts, particularly DV advocates. Otherwise, as shown in many parts of this book, courts often make mistakes that place the lives and safety of protective mothers and their children in jeopardy. In this context, it is important for courts that rule against alleged victims of DV to be open to the possibility that they made a mistake. Courts should be reluctant to take punitive or retaliatory actions against mothers who continue to believe their partners abused them.” The courts in the Jeker case have repeatedly ignored this good advice and in fact have refused to consider the new research upon which it is based.

Abusers tend to be very good at manipulation. We often see them admit a small part of their abuse in order to seem sincere. This is what Nixon referred to as a limited hang-out during the Watergate investigation. They will also cry to seek sympathy and create the illusion of sensitivity. Many court professionals decide that he may have committed some abuse in the past but is now safe. It is not that this would be impossible, but it is far rarer than court outcomes would suggest. Courts are also far less skeptical of father’s allegations even though the research demonstrates their false charges are far more frequent than complaints by mothers.

Abusive fathers with the help of “fathers’ rights organizations and the cottage industry of lawyers and psychologists who make a living helping abusers have developed a host of deceptive tactics for custody cases. These tactics have been shockingly successful in placing children at risk. Genuine domestic violence experts would rarely fall for these tactics, but few court professionals have the needed expertise including a good understanding of domestic violence dynamics. This makes cases that should be easy to recognize difficult for courts to recognize and protect the children.

Solutions

A wide variety of experts agree on the obvious solution to the missing expertise about domestic violence dynamics in the custody courts. The Batterer as Parent which is one of the leading authorities on domestic violence and custody recommends that if an evaluator does not work with a domestic violence shelter they should consult with someone who does. The American Psychological Association and American Psychiatric Association recommend that if a professional is working on a case that requires expertise in an area they do not have they should consult with an expert who has the necessary knowledge. The Greenbook Initiative created by the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges recommended that child protective agencies work with domestic violence agencies when responding to possible domestic violence cases. It seems so obvious and necessary for court professionals to consult with domestic violence advocates or other experts who understand domestic violence dynamics before making decisions that could place children (and mothers) in jeopardy. Nevertheless, the courts rarely seek the needed expertise and in many cases have actually refused to listen to experts who have the required knowledge.

In a two year period between 2009 and 2011 we found news stories about 175 children murdered by abusive fathers involved in contested custody cases. In many of the cases the courts provided the killers with access to the children that enabled them to murder the children. In one of the cases, involving Baby Wyatt the judge gave the father access saying that he believed the mother was lying. This was not based on the evidence, but more likely on the mistake cited by Saunders that inadequately trained professionals believe the myth that women frequently make false allegations. After the murder, Judge Lemkau was genuinely sorry about the harm his decision had caused, but said there was nothing he could have done based on the information he had. In one sense he is correct; that as long as judges and other court professionals attempt to make these life and death decisions using the present flawed practices without an understanding of domestic violence dynamics, they are unable to make an informed and safe decision in all too many cases.

For the next volume of Domestic Violence, Abuse and Child Custody, Dianne Bartlow and her students interviewed judges and other court officials in communities where the 175 children were murdered by abusive fathers. They wanted to find out if the courts reformed their practices in response to the tragedies in their communities and the new research that would help them make better decisions. It was interesting to see that the judges and other court professionals who agreed to be interviewed are probably the best judges. That is why they were willing to take the time to discuss domestic violence issues. They were open to looking at the research and considering reforms, but with rare exceptions even the murder of a young child did not result in the courts adopting the needed reforms.

Training in domestic violence and particularly the specific topics recommended by the Saunders’ report would give court professionals a better understanding of the issues they face in domestic violence cases. The training however does not provide a feel for how domestic violence dynamics works. Professionals can learn about the importance of context or the fear of the victim. They can learn that domestic violence includes so much more than physical abuse, but these and other factors can be easily misapplied without a feel for domestic violence dynamics that is more than just words on a page.

Dr. Paul Marcus, the evaluator who was described earlier as describing a good training as “not life changing,” decided that the complaints of the mother could not be “real” domestic violence because her injuries were not severe enough. He was expecting someone who was beaten bloody or had broken bones. He acknowledged that domestic violence includes more than physical abuse but failed to apply this in any meaningful way. Marcus is a strong advocate of shared parenting and sought to pressure the mother to accept shared parenting with her abuser. There is strong research that shared parenting is harmful to children even under the best of circumstances as it is disruptive to their lives, two homes is really no home and they often have what they need in the other home. It is possible to make an argument to use shared parenting under the best of circumstances. This would mean the parents are able to cooperate, can speak openly, live nearby and want to share parenting responsibilities.

In the Queens case handled by Marcus, the parents could not cooperate, leveled serious charges against each other, the mother was afraid of the father because he abused her and the mother strongly opposed shared parenting. In addition the parents did not live close to each other and the father often worked 80-100 hours per week. Most states that allow or encourage shared parenting make exceptions for domestic violence and when the parties cannot cooperate. In their zeal to promote shared parenting, however, courts often fail to limit it to cases with the most favorable circumstances that give it a chance to succeed. Instead, we often see courts pressure the victim to accept shared parenting and use therapy, counseling and other approaches to force a shared parenting relationship under unfavorable circumstances. The frequency that courts fail to recognize domestic violence or minimize its importance means that the prohibition form using shared parenting in domestic violence cases is ineffective. Courts often do not realize that this creates more litigation because the arrangement works poorly for children and creates more disputes that the court must resolve later.

It would be comforting to dismiss Dr. Marcus as an unusually bad evaluator with an agenda and a bias, but the problem is more systemic. Although Marcus demonstrated a lack of familiarity with current scientific research and failed to read the material provided in his training, engaged in many biased practices favorable to the father, acted in a sexist and unprofessional manner by referring to the mother as “hon” short for honey and did not know how to recognize domestic violence tactics, this did not cause the law guardian or the judge to discredit his report and testimony or be open to other witnesses who had more knowledge about domestic violence.

No genuine domestic violence expert or advocate would ever make the kind of mistakes made by Marcus and so many other court professionals. Their approach is inconsistent with an understanding of domestic violence dynamics. That is why custody courts must have input from someone with this vital knowledge in order to make informed decisions that protect children.

Children who witness domestic violence suffer greater illness and injury as children and adults, require more medical treatment and have a shorter life expectancy. Their developmental progress is impeded. When they grow up they are more likely to engage in a wide variety of harmful behaviors that can ruin their lives. Fathers who abuse one partner are likely to abuse future partners and if he receives custody or unsupervised visitation the children are likely to witness further domestic violence. This multiplies the risk to children. In other words the danger of destroying children’s lives is far too great to permit courts to continue to make decisions without considering domestic violence dynamics and with extremely rare exceptions, the professionals now relied on do not have this necessary expertise.

Domestic violence involves a specialized body of knowledge. Professionals do not receive this expertise in the course of their academic work to obtain degrees in law, psychology, medicine or social work. It is possible for professionals in these and other professions to become expert in domestic violence but it takes a substantial commitment to understand these issues and more than a little humility. I can learn from reading the research by Nicolas Bala and others that women rarely make false allegations of abuse, but I know this to be true because of the thousands of women I have spoken with and worked with on domestic violence issues only a very few have made deliberately false allegations. Much more common is women denying or minimizing true allegations of abuse. It is incredibly painful and embarrassing for women to speak about being abused by a man they chose to trust. Professionals who just read the research do not have the feel for how it works. Those professionals do much better than the professionals who have little training or like Marcus won’t allow the research to interfere with their preconceived misconceptions. In the short term, the only way custody courts can protect children is to listen to experts in domestic violence who understand domestic violence dynamics. More and better training can help and as more professionals are exposed to the right information, and the flawed practices are abandoned, the courts will gradually become better able to protect children. We should encourage more training, because it can help, but by itself it will not solve the problem of courts sending children to live with abusers.

When I speak about the importance of using current scientific research to inform court decisions, some of my colleagues express concern because there is plenty of biased and inaccurate research. We have seen many members of the media report on bad research studies that found women assault men almost as often as men assault women. It is news because it is so different from what we usually hear, but is it also inaccurate. Much of this bad science is based on the use of conflict tactic scales in which they count the hits without considering the severity or purpose. In the case of women the hits are usually less severe and often based on self defense or to make him stop his abuse. The studies often fail to consider rape which is overwhelmingly a crime committed by men against women. The bogus “research” about alienation is based on the assumption that virtually all abuse allegations made by women are false. In reality in the context of contested custody less than two percent is false. Researchers, like court professionals frequently make these mistakes because they do not have the necessary domestic violence training or an understanding of domestic violence. Many are manipulated by abusers. In one study reported at an IVAT conference, the researchers sought volunteers for their study at a “fathers’ rights” web site. The men claimed they were assaulted by their partners but the police did not bring charges because they don’t take abuse of men seriously. The researchers blindly accepted the men’s claims and never considered the police more likely refused to bring charges because of a lack of evidence.

Many judges have expressed reluctance to listen to domestic violence experts because they consider them biased. Ironically these same judges often treat lawyers and evaluators who routinely advertise for “fathers’ rights” business and use approaches that favor abusers because it is a good source of revenue, as if they were neutral. The failure to rely on domestic violence experts is really based on a lack of critical thinking. These experts would not support false allegations because battered mothers have been severely harmed by the rare cases in which mothers have made false allegations. This has unfairly undermined the credibility of all women. Domestic violence advocates seek to reduce domestic violence and protect children from danger. Coincidentally this is the same purpose of every legislature and the laws they have passed seeking to prevent domestic violence. These are the experts who understand domestic violence dynamics and could help courts keep children safe.



Barry Goldstein is a nationally recognized domestic violence expert, speaker, writer and consultant. He is the co-editor with Mo Therese Hannah of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY. His next book, Representing the Domestic Violence Survivor, co authored with Elizabeth Liu is designed to train attorneys to present domestic violence cases and should be published late winter or early spring of 2013. Barry can be reached by email from their web site www.Domesticviolenceabuseandchildcustody.com
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Disclaimer

The opinions and information expressed in the individual posts do not necessarily reflect the opinions of each contributor of "Time's Up!" nor the opinion of the blog owner and administrator. The comments are the opinion and property of the individuals who leave them on the posts and do not express the opinion of the authors, contributors or the blog owner and administrator.