Ending Officer Involved Domestic Violence

By Heidi Hiatt

On any given day, anyone with Internet access can go to websites like Behind the Blue Wall  and Injustice Everywhere to view the latest news reports of domestic violence committed by police officers.

This abuse is not only devastating to victims but damaging to the agencies and communities these officers serve. This behavior harms the credibility and effectiveness of law enforcement and diminishes the standards of the department and the profession (Kruger & Valltos, 2002).

Thus began my dissertation titled The Necessity and Effectiveness of Police Officer-Involved Domestic Violence Policies. As a multiple-time survivor, a former civilian law enforcement employee defamed by a superior trying to conceal abuse, and a friend and family member of honest cops, this is a subject I feel strongly about. The costs of standing up for myself and other victims have been immense and ongoing. Taking a stand on this issue and exposing the abusers and murderers among us—not a term I use lightly—has financial, social, professional, and other impacts.

People who fight to bring the stories of victims both living and dead into the light often risk everything. Personally I’ve experienced perjury, stalking, slander, bullying, harassment, and loss of income not because I did something wrong, but because I stood up for myself. That’s not even a complete list. In doing so, I shone light in dark places, sometimes inadvertently. Not long after the first time I began to fight back, an officer came to me and reported that their squad was told to ignore the allegations of abuse and death threats because I was “making things up to get attention.”

I don’t want sympathy. How does sympathy help me? Being a martyr doesn’t interest me. I want to live, and after taking the first step to stay alive, my fear was gradually replaced by a justifiable righteous rage. I was never made to be small and meek and cowering in a corner. I’m a fighter. I am passionate about truth and justice. I’ve needed people around me who challenge me to get back up every time I’m sucker punched no matter how badly it hurts, not people who coo over me as I lie on the ground. When you’re a fighter and an honest person, just being yourself is threatening to people with something to hide. I like to say that initiative, intelligence, and insight is threatening to the immoral and insecure, and that is especially true when you’re a woman.

In time and through faith, staunch allies within the criminal justice system and politics, a bachelor’s degree, and a master’s degree, that righteous anger would become a steady resolve to help other victims of officer-involved domestic violence. So far I haven’t earned a dime off of this informal advocacy, like many survivors and advocates who speak out. We do it because an estimated 20 to 50 percent of law enforcement families experience some form of domestic violence according to studies, which is a rate much higher than in the general population. We also do it because officer-involved domestic violence is different and can be more dangerous than the usual kind. OIDV victims are the least acknowledged and least studied group of perpetrators and victims within the phenomenon of domestic violence.

Researchers ask, “does society want to send domestic violence offenders in response to emergency calls for assistance from victims of this crime?” Some have found that officers who have committed domestic violence are less effective in domestic violence situations than those who have not (Morgan, Nackerud, & Yegidis, 1998).

Additionally, allowing officers who commit domestic violence to police the public is hypocritical and a dangerous irony for their victims. A deputy sheriff quoted in an analysis of the firearms rights of uniformed abusers said, “The officer who is beating his or her spouse may be the same one who answers a domestic violence call at your neighbor’s house or yours. When the abuser wears a badge, the victim can be the most helpless one in town.” (Adelman & Morgan, 2006)

When I was writing my dissertation, a review of relevant literature showed an astounding lack of material, academic or otherwise, on this subject. A keyword search of academic databases in which I skimmed over 6000 published articles turned up just seven full-text articles that dealt specifically with issues pertaining to officer-involved domestic violence. OIDV is the elephant in the living room but it’s not widely understood and not dealt with as uniformly as domestic violence in the general population.

In 2003, in the wake of the Brame homicide in Tacoma, Washington, the International Association of Chiefs of Police revised their model OIDV policy to help individual agencies develop their own. Recent studies have shown that there’s no evidence that the IACP’s model policy has been widely adopted or implemented. Just over a quarter of law enforcement agencies surveyed by Dr. Kimberly Lonsway in 2006 even had OIDV policies, and a policy is only as good as the leadership that’s willing to enforce it.

So where do victims of OIDV go to get help? Diane Wettendorf and Ellen Kirschman have written excellent books on this subject that I highly recommend. Susan Murphy Milano, whose police officer father murdered her mother, has a fantastic guide to leaving abusive and stalking relationships in general. Sandra L. Brown’s book on psychopathy will sound eerily familiar to men and women whose abusers are police officers. But victims often want or need immediate help and they turn to the Internet to find it. People like me, people who’ve been through it or want to help them, have turned to the Internet as well. The world wide web is where people go to find solutions, especially when they don’t know if they can trust the authorities.

Plug “officer-involved domestic violence” into a search engine and a curious mix of websites appears. There is no one foundation or authority on this subject; the IACP has done a good job of pursuing reform but many victims don’t want to trust the police when their abuser is the police. Since the establishment of OIDV policies some victims have found that the policies are just words or are selectively enforced. Debbie Brockman, a victim advocate quoted by Judith Spitzer in a piece on OIDV (thank you BTBW), has said that successful prosecutions of OIDV offenders are rare and the problem has gone back underground.

Some police departments are concerned with the litigation that arises when an officer is disciplined or is terminated. It is expensive and some, with union strength, are rehired plus given back pay. Some cases are resolved by sending abusers to “treatment,” which in some cases is merely an exercise they go through to claim “reform.” Many receive months of paid leave while their cases are investigated and victims are denied access to the results of those investigations (a topic for another day). The bottom line is that a significant portion of the population does not want to trust information provided by police on the web or elsewhere because of the inconsistent response to OIDV by law enforcement.

On that note, people seeking information on OIDV turn to organizations and blogs. Diane Wetendorf’s Abuse of Power website, is very professional and informative. Wetendorf is considered one of the foremost experts on OIDV and her site features valuable information like the police power and control wheel and thoughts on police culture. Her material is objective and consulted by both the police and advocates. Her books are worth owning and I have a deep respect for her work.

Lane Judson’s home page,  is a tribute to his daughter Crystal’s memory as well as a portal for victims seeking assistance. Crystal Judson Brame was murdered by her police chief husband in front of their two children in 2003. Lane promised her before she died that he would do whatever he could so that no one else would have to go through what she did. Lane and Patty Judson are phenomenal people who work tirelessly to educate police agencies and the public about OIDV. Lane is a sought-after speaker with compassion and influence.

Judson’s home page links to other pages that deserve mention. One is a photo display of officer-involved domestic violence fatalities,  This is a work in progress but gives readers an overview of just how many deaths occur that involve OIDV. Not a lot of these cases make the national news, so it’s sites like this that really reveal the broader picture, compiling homicide and suicide data primarily from local news sources.

Another notable link goes to the Officer-Involved Domestic Violence Network site, . It provides links to safety information, blogs, videos, and other items of interest. This is a good site for networking and its operators have great empathy for cops and the stresses they face. They do this because, like me, they believe that OIDV conditions will never improve unless we’re honest about the issue. (Their Facebook page)

From there we click on the link to the companion blog, Behind the Blue Wall, that tracks OIDV cases in the news, . This blog tracks thousands of such cases from the past decade with the most recent items appearing first. This is similar to a website that logs allegations of police misconduct in general .

What is alarming about both of these sites is that these are only the cases that have made the news. There is no way to track violence that isn’t reported or the cases that are kept quiet. OIDV advocates are all familiar with victims who were shut down before a formal report could be filed. Those familiar with the American justice system know that an allegation or charge doesn’t mean the suspect will be convicted. Sometimes they get treatment to avoid trial and sometimes charges are dropped, which is sometimes due to a lack of evidence or the victim’s reluctance to take further risks. They may also truly be not guilty.

The Purple Berets are a self-proclaimed in-your-face women’s rights group who have taken on the issue of OIDV. The National Center for Women and Policing has an often-cited Police Family Violence Fact Sheet at . It needs to be updated but crams a lot of good information into one page. That site links to Life Span, which lists some great bullet points to help people understand OIDV. One more site that provides honest insight is the advocate’s guide published by the Battered Women’s Justice Project.

Beyond this, things start to get murky. Some sites appear to pull information off of the above pages, mirroring the originals. Other OIDV information is buried in regular domestic violence sites and can be difficult to find. There are those who dedicate pages to OIDV victims as well as their killers. If a website or blog wants to draw attention to those who’ve succumbed to the pressures of police work and their demons, that’s fine. I am outspoken about what can be done ethically and culturally within law enforcement to improve conditions for officers and their families. Memorializing both victims and murderers on the same website, however, is jarring and detracts from the message.

Use caution when trolling the web for help. Just because a site claims to advocate for OIDV victims doesn’t make it safe. If you contact an individual or organization, don’t include specifics unless you know they can be trusted with them. I was very blessed to have law enforcement officials and legislators who listened to and acted upon my concerns. Not everyone is so fortunate and that primes them to want to vent to someone outside the system even more.

Know who you’re talking to or don’t disclose so much that it can be used against you or repeated to people who want to shut you down. This is a good rule for internet use in general and also for those wishing to discuss OIDV. Before getting involved with an organization as a volunteer, look into their credentials and their finances. Know what other websites and projects that organization has going on and be aware of any conflicts of interest. Delve into what motivates their mission.

One thing I do not want to do is to paint OIDV as a black and white people versus the police issue. There are those in law enforcement, civilian and uniformed, who work tirelessly to eradicate domestic violence from our culture. The fact that OIDV is ever downplayed or concealed is an insult to them. I’ve found that when OIDV isn’t taken seriously, there are other ethical and cultural issues that should be remedied as well. If anything, OIDV is a people versus crime issue since wearing a uniform doesn’t make abuse any less of a crime than if Average Joe Schmoe commits it.

Allowing a double standard for officers who commit crimes and violence is what creates the rift between the police and the public. It also makes working conditions unsafe for those public servants who are ethical and are trying to do the right thing. I want my peeps in public service to be able to go to work and uphold the oath they have taken to serve and protect. I don’t want them to be shunned, harassed, or not have proper backup if they maintain the standard of conduct they’re supposed to.

What is sorely needed to diminish the power of OIDV in police families is a shift in police culture that would demonstrate intolerance for OIDV instead of hiding it. This needs to start at the top and the amoral need to stop enabling the immoral by remaining silent. Officers need to be given appropriate resources and tools for stress management and their families should have safe places to call when things get dangerous. Some of you are sick of hearing this, but police agencies should have debriefings at the end of shift, not just briefings at the beginning.

I also recommend that states establish independent review boards made up of both public officials AND private sector experts that will review all officer-involved domestic violence cases. This would do a lot to lift the veil of secrecy and would allow a wider range of thought processes and philosophies to participate. It would help ensure that victims are being heard and policies and procedures are being followed. Most of all, these boards could hold the police accountable to the taxpayers instead of allowing publicly funded departments to function as private clubs that regulate themselves.

Here’s the big picture: OIDV exists. There is no one website, organization, or resource that provides everything a victim needs to survive it but there are a few that are must-reads. Combating this problem requires the participation of ethical law enforcement officials who are sincere about protecting victims and not allowing a different standard for officers.

Better resources are needed for OIDV victims that exist specifically for them, not just domestic violence in general. I wish there was an easy way to combine the resources of the reputable organizations that exist and make one big monster how-to site to help OIDV victims. I’ve heard exciting buzz about forming an underground railroad as well and am thrilled to see churches finally getting involved.

In conclusion, some might be surprised to learn that I’m a Second Amendment-slinging Christian conservative. Strong women are often stereotyped as radical feminists or some sort of haters (man, cop, etc.). Conservatives are often pigeonholed as blind to social issues or insensitive to crime victims. That just cracks me up given the intense level of involvement in social issues many people of my faith have and how some of the strongest women I know are also the most feminine.

Because I believe in a God who gives life and liberty I believe those gifts should be preserved. If the preservation of life involves standing up to cowardice, immorality, or abuse, then that’s what we have to do. If people are being deprived of their liberty we should work to restore it. In the Manufacturer’s Handbook Jesus preaches freedom, not oppression. He is both truth and grace, not one or the other, and said He came to set the captives free.

Right now we all know someone who is a slave to an abuser, sucked down into someone else’s lust for control. Both people who believe what I do and those who don’t can agree that this is wrong. So let’s stop milling around in our little factions, unite on what we agree on, and go out and slay this dragon together.

We need both liberals and conservatives, both men and women, and both the police and public to work together to end OIDV. This is not a partisan issue and solutions do not need to be implemented at the federal level. We can start in our own communities and raise awareness one step at a time.

I invite respectful feedback from people of all viewpoints as to how to keep OIDV in the spotlight. Thank you to those brave survivors and advocates who have risked so much and given so much of their time to do so already. I am especially proud of the activists that have come out of Washington State– we’ve seen some terrible cases but stand among the strongest voices. We will prevail.


The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him. -G. K. Chesterton

Heidi Hiatt, MA recently graduated as a Forensic Psychologist.  You can read more of her posts at her personal blog, Truth, Justice, and All-American Allergen-Free Apple Pie Straight Talk in a Crooked World

A Bridge to Understanding “Holding my Hand through Hell” – The Book

By Donna R. Gore, M.A.

"On the street I saw a small girl cold and shivering in a thin dress, with little hope of a decent meal. I became angry and said to God, Why did you permit this? Why don't you do something about it? For a while God said nothing.That night He replied quite suddenly, I certainly did do something about it, I made you. - Unknown-

I don’t expect you to understand domestic violence, or more descriptively, intimate partner violence on my say so alone…. for I am not an expert. Nor should you be able to understand it from the point of view of your local non-profit director, your shelter program coordinator, a TV show or your neighbor next door who is “occasionally beaten.” Susan Murphy Milano and I have a lot in common…and we have other life experiences that are dissimilar. I know parental homicide up close and personal, like she. I also know about stolen childhood, losses…and gains of the medical variety – 55 times to be exact! I know about loss and I know about grief…and I know about insecurity and confidence in spite of….

I consider myself incredibly lucky to have survived it all… “in one piece” as they say… I also consider myself incredibly lucky to have been among the few who had a personal preview of her upcoming book, “Holding My Hand through Hell.” One long July 4th weekend last summer, I took that journey. I was naïve enough to think I had learned enough intellectually and I would “just be adding details to that knowledge.” How wrong I was! It was like passing over to the other side known as hell, constantly engulfed in an inferno of fear, unpredictability, pain and cruelty.

It was an account told in the first person beginning from childhood to the end of the journey with a woman who “thought she knew better from previous experience,” having grown up in a house of horrors and then choosing partners who apparently repeated that pattern.

However, this book is so much more than “some woman’s story.” I was transformed and touched to my very soul with each and every page. It was personal… It was visceral. It was honest. It was told through the eyes of a child making deals with God to stay alive long enough to plan her escape with her mother… or so she hoped…. For a child to bear such a constant burden is totally unfathomable to me!

The tragedy of a revered “monster/father” who was sworn to uphold the law and who could do no wrong in the eyes of the public was the biggest most disgraceful injustice ever! He used that badge as a license to abuse his family beyond all comprehension.

It was an era in which such activities were “private matters” behind closed doors, with few community resources except for the occasional priest or school official. In the act of disbelieving an innocent child reached out with poetry as a cry for help , and was beaten down to submission and called a liar. It truly broke my heart!

To this reader, that part of the book said this was a sign of more grave things to come. The pages continued to reveal a journey so treacherous filled with “survival of the fittest “ episodes… thinking on your feet…always being at least one step ahead of the monster. Rejection, punishment, masquerading for the public.. a mother caught in the middle between love for her children and a continuous dance with impending death.

My heart sank and then it broke a million times over… I cried again and again… The innocent child grew into a young woman, only to be threatened and violated by the monster…and men to come after, whom she thought she chose with her eyes open…but not really.

How could she have known? The trees in the forest were so thick with dysfunction, no one could have foreseen when survival is your only goal. Life as an adult was a quest to help others in similar circumstances… many more trials and tribulations and incredible loss, such loss! ‘Just when you think another tragedy could not possibly befall one person ,it happened again and again! Even at her father’s funeral there was the ultimate irony… as if the devil was laughing at Susan! But she survived as she always had!

I will not reveal if there is the “mandatory happy ending,” for happy endings may only be reserved for Walt Disney movies…and not real life. What I can say, is that Susan made another escape plan, and she walked on the beach gathering strength and probably feeling her mother’s presence.

Be brave, hold your head high and never say die… (even though you feel like dying more than you’d admit). Anyone who has survived what Susan has ,cannot be judged too harshly for her past deeds. Although she could not “Slay the dragon” and bring her mother to safety as she wanted, she did something few people have ever done….. She fought against insurmountable odds, climbed her personal Mount Everest and continues to help others to beat the odds against their real life monsters.

We respect and love you for the person you have become, Susan! ‘Such a long, long journey since that innocent child fought back against all odds! For more information on future purchases, go to www.susanmurphymilano.com.

"Holding My Hand Through Hell" will be released Fall of 2012, published by Ice Cube Press. To Pre-Order the book click here on Amazon.

To read more of Donna Gore's posts, and learn more about "LadyJustice," refer to her website: www.donnagore.com Donna is also a Featured Columnist for Here Women Talk and the host of SHATTERED LIVES each Saturday at 5ET.

Related articles

• Document the Abuse.Com Goes Live! (imaginepublicity.com)
• How to Leave a Dangerous Man: Managing Abuse and Leaving with Your Life: The Susan Murphy Milano Show 2:00 PM Eastern Thursday 1/12/2012 (murphymilanojournal.blogspot.com)

Drew Peterson: Untouchable

By Heidi Hiatt

Reviews of last night’s Drew Peterson: Untouchable movie on Lifetime are mocking the script, chortling that Rob Lowe is too good-looking to pull off the slovenly, bloated Peterson, and rightfully noting that viewers couldn’t tell which characters exist in real life and which don’t. At least a few websites are saying you should watch it just for the laughs.

I wasn’t laughing.

Yes, this was a Lifetime movie. This network usually follows a formula of damsel in distress meets hot dude who rescues her. Or woman takes drastic action against abuser and the legal drama that follows. As cheesy as many Lifetime movies are, women watch these shows because they can relate to them.

Say what you will about Untouchable, but where it did succeed was in giving viewers a taste of what life was probably like for Peterson’s wives. This guy comes across as a raging narcissist and to me seems to be a textbook sociopath. His world revolves around… him. He, as I just discussed in my Courageous post below, tries to maintain a heroic public persona, complete with the stereotypical mustache of authority, while skeletons literally lie in this guy’s closets.

I was disgusted that media outlets this morning were blaring Peterson’s reaction to the movie. What did they think he was going to say, “gee, there’s part of it that really hit home for me?” The media’s focus on Peterson has been a stumbling stone in the path of justice throughout this whole saga. As vampires of his type are known to do, and this is so transparent to me, he’s succeeded in drawing attention away from his victims and onto himself. Frankly I’d be much more interested in hearing what the victims’ families and friends have to say about Untouchable than see reporters clamor to post what this suspect is bellowing from his cell.

Another beef I have with the way the media has handled the Peterson case is that they have focused cargo ships full of attention on this case to the detriment of other missing persons and murder cases. Homicide and suicide happen all the time in police officer relationships, yet only a select few cases dominate the airwaves, sensationalized by crusaders for justice who constantly run “breaking news” banners on their shows.

To understand just how much this goes on in law enforcement, please visit the Behind the Blue Wall blog at http://behindthebluewall.blogspot.com/. The media’s laser focus on the Peterson case may have people thinking domestic violence of this magnitude is a fairly rare occurence in police families. The stories featured on this blog cover just some of the cases, and only some of the cases that make it to the media. The person who runs the site is not a cop hater, but someone who, like me, believes that conditions for victims of officer-involved domestic violence will never get better until police culture and our society are honest about the extent of this violence.

Some of the lines used in the movie are being panned for their cheesiness without acknowledging that self-absorbed people really do say the darndest things. They are not always rational and really do come out with some shocking and awkward statements sometimes. In one scene, Peterson was basically reminding his wife how lucky she was to be with a man who had his size of male member, and she said, “have you been in a men’s locker room lately?” Some guys really do think they’re God’s gift to women and like to remind women that they are “exceptional” when their sexual skills may be average or below. Narcissist red alert!

Peterson reminded his wives and people witnessing the abuse that he was untouchable. He is the police, as this character said, and this is a common line among police abusers. It is a dilemma that faces the majority of victims of police officers because it’s true. If you call the police, will they protect him, or will they protect you? I’ve been through this, and if you choose to go to the authorities, you are taking the risk that they won’t do anything or worse, leaving you at the whim of your abuser, who’s now outraged that you “ratted him out.”

People often ask domestic violence victims why they don’t just leave. You can’t “just leave.” I’ve said it many times, but the risk of homicide goes up 75 percent when you leave an abusive relationship. The abuser may not want you, but he still wants control over you. If he believes he has to kill you to keep you from regaining control of your life, there’s a good chance he’ll do it. He may kill your children, pets, coworkers, or relatives too. Cops’ careers are based on power and control, and the ones who choose to abuse flaunt that power and control mercilessly. Leaving could be signing your own death certificate, because how dare you act like your own person and “rob” them of their “authority.” By leaving you also risk exposing the deeds they’ve worked so hard to conceal.

Men like Peterson in this movie are masters of what’s known as crazymaking (also known as gaslighting), tormenting and badgering their victims mentally to the point that victims start to believe there’s something actually wrong with themselves. Peterson referred to his third wife Kathleen as “the crazy lady” at least several times in Untouchable and made sure everyone around him knew that she was an unstable, vindictive, emotionally off-balance predator who just wanted poor him to suffer. Crazymaking is just one way to make the victim look like the suspect and vice versa. Also note that some abusers are so relentless that they actually can cause their victims real problems.

They are the victims, master spin doctors whose lies and excuses pour out of their mouths effortlessly to make the real victim look like the suspect. I mention this quote over and over in my blog, but as Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door says, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is… an appeal to our sympathy. Abusers who are effective at this become the poor guy with the challenging wife, the longsuffering father whose kids are being poisoned by their mother.

Onlookers say, “he’s such a nice guy,” “he doesn’t deserve that,” “she’s a piece of work.” They generally don’t stop to ask the partner for her perspective; it’s obvious the “poor guy’s” got the short end of the stick and he doesn’t need you stirring things up by asking for his wife’s view, right? Wrong. Someone who has to go to such lengths to stir up sympathy might just have more going on than they’re letting on. Sympathy provides a smokescreen and diverts attention away from the victim onto themselves.

As portrayed in this movie, Peterson was only interested in the honeymoon phase of relationships. He got a thrill out of overlapping his relationships, using the time-worn phrase, “I’m still technically married.” Many con artists do this, saying, “I’ll divorce her,” “I’m in the processing of divorcing her,” “It’s completely over with her,” “I don’t feel anything for her.” But they thrive on their own cunning as they act out their fantasy of a sailor with a woman in every port.

In Untouchable, Peterson gets an obvious rise out of sneaking young Stacy into his house while his wife and children are sleeping. However, once they settle down and the thrill of the new relationship starts to wear off, the abuse starts. They’re out of the honeymoon phase and in his twisted mind she’s to blame for the ensuing “boredom.” He needs constant stimulation and settling down into routine life, with its less than perfect daily circumstances, is unbearable to him.

Speaking of children, some researchers theorize that sociopaths have an instinctive drive to spread their seed all over the place and ensure the continuation of their line. Some such abusers do this. They just keep having children and may use successive women to care for those children. I’ve seen this in real life and the children wind up not having a real father, but a Disneyland father who “works so hard” to support them that they “understand” why he’s not around. These guys are too busy tending to their new interests to be appropriately invested as husbands and fathers, and there’s always an excuse as to why they can’t make it to ____ (name an activity).

Drew Peterson made his fourth wife Stacy carry a cell phone constantly in this movie. This is also a common abuser tactic. He initially said that he needed to know she was “safe.” He was not motivated out of love or wanting to protect his wife, however, this was about control. He was irrationally paranoid about what his wife might be doing behind his back and needed to know her every move. There was one scene where he was spying on Stacy while in a marked police cruiser with a partner. It is reality that department resources may be used to keep tabs on a victim.

This picture also touched on how abusers may rage at their victims about things they are actually doing. In Untouchable, after Stacy hugged her brother-in-law at her sister’s funeral, Peterson asked her how long she’s been “banging” him. Then he attacked her in bed and asked how many times she’s “banged” him. A simple hug on a grieving family member can trigger the jealous rage of an abuser. They perceive it as a threat even though there is no threat. They are so mired in their own alternate reality that while they are away on vacation cheating on their spouse, they will call her and ask who she’s in bed with. They are, once again, making the victim the suspect.

The bed scenes in this movie were also realistic. Cowardly abusers will attack their victims where anyone else is least likely to witness the abuse. Rob Lowe’s Peterson also threatened to kill his wives at such moments, in both veiled and overt tones, in ways that couldn’t be proven. If you’ve heard the phrase “he said, she said,” that means that it’s her word against his. Guys like this are unlikely to threaten their partner in the presence of her friends or family. They get a thrill out of the fear and control they have while sneering that they’ll kill the victim when no one else can hear them. It’s also a way of deeply disturbing a victim emotionally so that only the symptoms will show in public, not the cause.

A final common abuser tactic that this movie covered was Peterson’s knack for demonizing his ex. Yes, some exes really are as bad as they appear, but I’ve learned to be suspicious of men who’ve been “horribly wronged” by their exes. Some won’t stop talking about how bad their exes are, and that may be a way of trying to bury the unfinished business or feelings they still have for them. It may also be concealing the fact that they’re still physically involved with them. Stacy’s experience in the movie version was that Kathleen, Peterson’s third wife, was a truly horrible person who incessantly harassed them. But Peterson convincing her of that just strengthened her loyalty to him because it evoked her sympathy. It made her believe that Peterson’s kids had a desperate need for a real mother.

Rob Lowe was genuinely creepy is this movie. Obviously Lifetime knows that casting someone who looks like him will draw more interest than someone who looks more like Drew Peterson. Regardless of what women think of Peterson’s looks, he seems to have that sociopathic draw, that hypnotic energy, that entices unsuspecting women. He may also appear attractive to some women in that he was an authority figure, that he was a father figure, and that he seemed financially successful.

A manipulator doesn’t have to be good-looking to have power over his victims; he just knows how to play his cards to reel in his targets. Please note that Peterson became engaged again in 2009, and after his intended left him due to her father’s ultimatum, she came back. After that she blindly defended him. I find absolutely nothing attractive about Drew Peterson, but there is a sinister energy that surrounds him like a cloud. When people are living in that cloud, they see a mirage or an embellished version of reality. You see what they want you to see.

To learn more about the kind of abuser that was portrayed in Untouchable, I’m going to recommend the book I always recommend, Sandra L. Brown’s Women’s Who Love Psychopaths, http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/. It delves into both suspect profiles and victimology and should be required reading for both sexes.

If you are a victim of domestic violence, you will find very relevant assistance in Susan Murphy Milano’s Time’s Up guide to leaving stalking and abusive relationships, http://www.amazon.com/Times-Up-Abusive-Stalking-Relationships/dp/1608443604/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1270995969&sr=1-2.

If you are a victim of officer-involved domestic violence, Diane Wetendorf’s website and booklets may be useful to you so that you understand the seriousness of what’s happening, http://www.abuseofpower.info/. You may also want to check out the website of the Officer-Involved Domestic Violence Network, http://policedomesticviolence.com/. Remember that abusers can track your Internet use, so be familiar with how to safely access this information before you look, http://www.stopfamilyviolence.org/internet-safety.

There is also something critically important that you can do if you are a victim of stalking or violence: document it! Visit http://documenttheabuse.com/index.html to learn more about the critically important Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit and how to safely record what is happening to you. Stacy Peterson is featured on this website.

I also advocate having a will and other legal documents in place that explain specifically who should be questioned if you are missing, incapacitated, or dead. Mine is set to automatically disseminate detailed information to people in government and the media. Friends also know intimate details of what I’ve documented and how it is more complicated than what I refer to as my past life. Keep trusted people in the know without your abusers’ knowledge. Doing these things positions a guillotine that will take your abuser’s and accomplices’ heads (figuratively) if they come for yours.

So, mock the Peterson movie if you will, but remember that real women are dead and missing. Did this movie convict Peterson prematurely? Perhaps. Personally I believe Peterson’s victims, who had nothing to gain and their lives to lose by standing up for themselves. All the red flags were there. Women who’ve been through similar situations, even of much lesser magnitude, readily recognize the mind games, spins, and manipulation tactics that Peterson appears to practice both in real life and in this movie. It can function as public education.

Even if Peterson is pure as the driven snow and did not hurt any of his wives, this quick onscreen walk through suburban Chicago can function as a crash course in the tactics of domestic abusers. Some may see it as entertainment at the expense of the victims and I understand that. Was it right to make this movie? Did the victims’ families give their input, and who’s profiting from it, namely the precious children left behind? I also understand how media coverage can get cases moved to different locales and affect jury selection.

I’m not heartily recommending this movie, but I am saying that as long as it’s out there, let’s learn what we can from it. There is reality even in its cheesiest lines that can educate the public on domestic violence and be used to stop it. Knowledge is power. Awareness brings change. We must continue to speak out against the Drew Petersons of this world until domestic violence ceases to exist.

Idealistic you say? Given the magnitude of this monster’s reach, especially in law enforcement families, it’s an ideal worth striving for.


It is terrible to find how little progress one’s philosophy and charity have made when they are brought to the test of domestic life. –C.S. Lewis

Heidi Hiatt, MA recently graduated as a Forensic Psychologist.  You can read more of her posts at her personal blog, Truth, Justice, and All-American Allergen-Free Apple Pie Straight Talk in a Crooked World