So Who REALLY goes missing?

         by Cynthia Caron                       

                                                             

Alzheimer's:  This disease touches many lives. Those with cognitive disorders are at risk of becoming a missing person due to confusion and becoming lost or wandering. Many of those who have gone missing have families that depend on us to help locate their missing loved one.

Developmentally Challenged
 Those who are developmentally challenged are very much at risk and we work with many families whose missing loved ones disappear who are developmentally challenged.  There is a higher rate among those who are young adolescents due to their vulnerabilities. They are always considered endangered and may qualify for a "Silver Alert", depending upon the laws set forth in their state.

Autism

  With the increasing amount of loved ones diagnosed with autism each year, an increase also occurs with those who suffer with autism who go missing.  We've noticed that many of those who have autism, and go missing, are usually children or teens.  Depending on the level of their cognitive awareness determines the probability of where we may need to focus in locating them. Those who are higher functioning may be "wandering" the streets and find themselves in situations in which they are at risk of becoming harmed and/or taken advantage by others. Some are manipulated and persuaded to leave the comforts of their homes with false promises of "love" in which they are invariably "preyed upon" and are at high risks of danger. 

Those who are at a lower level of cognitive awareness may wander from their family and are highly drawn towards water. Studies are ongoing as to why and unfortunately many that become missing for more than 48 hours are commonly located passed away in a death by water. (Lakes, streams, ponds, pools, etc.)

Special and Medical Needs

From Diabetes, epilepsy to traumatic brain injury, (Stroke or brain damage) those who have possess any of these condition "types" are also at risk of becoming a missing person due to a medical incident/accident to confusion from cognitive awareness.

Emotional Disorders  

 Commonly known previously as "mental illness."  A large number of families of missing come to us whose loved ones have battled emotional disorders and have disappeared.  Families are already very exhausted, stressed and many have spent years helping their loved family members by advocating for them and assisting them through their low emotional states. Emotional disorders is a very difficult "find" for a missing loved one because many have the intelligence capabilities that can keep them missing for a very long time. 

While they may not be plagued with a lower intelligence level, they are in fact at-risk due to their emotional disorders, which in many cases can have disastrous outcomes including self-harm and suicide.  Those who are at higher risk of becoming a missing person are loved ones who have chosen to go off their medication(s). 

Some of the most common diagnosed loved ones who go missing are those who suffer with depression, Bi-polar disorder or Schizophrenia. Many times they are young adolescents who are in the process of receiving a diagnosis but disappear prior to it being confirmed. (This is very common in those between the ages of 18-24 and are college students.)

Accidents 

Missing loved ones become missing due to numerous "accidental situations" such as off road vehicle accidents, those lost in mountains while hiking or even "freak" accidents and can become a missing statistic due to not being able to locate or find them timely. A large majority located deceased are also known to have gone missing from a public gathering in which alcohol was served.

One does not have to be intoxicated or legally drunk to suffer an accident which can be fatal. Far too often we assist families of young college age students (primarily young men) who leave a public gathering, pub or nightclub (under the influence and not legally intoxicated) only to be located deceased with a death by water. (Same common to those with cognitive disorders, above.)

LostNMissing established the campaign, and website, "Friends Don't Leave Friends Alone" [2] as the same young deaths we believe could have been avoided had the person left with someone else and did not stray off alone from their friends.

Divorce/Separation/Break-Up
 It is very unfortunate but it is known that many women, and men, who go missing and are in the process of a separation from their spouses, or boyfriend/girlfriends, may disappear and a very high rate is due to foul play and by the hands of those they were leaving. This is a very complicated missing person case as families are enduring not only the pain of their loved one missing but also in states of confusion as to why law enforcement processes seem so complicated.

 Families find there are many barriers, due to the legal system and laws, that stand in the way of finding their missing and loved family member. In nearly all cases the family already is aware that their missing will not be located safely and this adds to the stress and trauma.  Detectives and investigators must adhere to the law of "just cause" in order to find needed answers.  This frustrates law enforcement, as well.  While many may want to do full "homicide investigative procedures", if there is not "just cause" to enable them...their "hands are tied." (Example: Luminol spraying a home, arresting a potential suspect and "making them talk" are just two examples of many tactics families expect, but is halted due to laws that protect those who are suspect.)  Because a case may turn to a homicide investigation, or may be classified as missing with foul play, organizations are limited in what information is presented to them (and sometimes to the family, as well) to enable finding the missing loved one.

 Law enforcement will always take the lead and organizations assist by making pleas to the public for awareness of the missing person.  At LostNMissing we will focus on looking for a "living missing loved one" and respect that law enforcement is looking for a deceased missing person.  By doing this we are making sure the family of the missing receive both aspects of a missing persons' case. When presenting a missing loved one as possibly being "alive and out there" invariably is also assisting law enforcement because the awareness campaign of seeking the missing loved one may bring tips/leads that can help make a break in the case. 

We also know, and have experienced, many cases in which all indicators show the missing may have been a victim of foul play (with homicide investigating) and the missing person is invariably located safely. Unless solid evidence (such as an obvious crime scene) exists, we always go with the hopes that the missing can be found alive and well.

Human Trafficking 

Missing loved ones can become victims of human trafficking and quite a majority that are trafficked is for sex purposes. According to the FBI website, they explain, "It's sad but true: here in this country, people are being bought, sold, and smuggled like modern-day slaves.They are trapped in lives of misery-often beaten, starved, and forced to work as prostitutes or to take grueling jobs as migrant, domestic, restaurant, or factory workers with little or no pay.

 We're working hard to stop human trafficking-not only because of the personal and psychological toll it takes on society, but also because it facilitates the illegal movement of immigrants across borders and provides a ready source of income for organized crime groups and even terrorists."  [2] While primarily those missing are young women, young men are known to have been trafficked as well.

Drugs of Abuse
 When a loved one is under the influence of drugs and/or associates with those who buy, sell or take drugs...this puts them at risk of danger in which they can possibly become a missing person. We've had cases in which those have been located safely and living a life "off the streets" in a drug dazed world and we've had missing loved ones who were located deceased a victim of drug activities, suicide under the influence (or through withdrawal) or due to an overdose.

Of One's Own Choice with cognitive awareness and decision making 

Surprisingly, this is one of the lowest common causes of an adult person's disappearance. Highest among minors. Yet, adults receive very little media and public awareness.

Unfortunately the "general public" has the misconception that this is the "number one reason" someone is missing, especially as it pertains to adult males.

We certainly do need to have this category, and fact is...we wish this was the reason most loved ones go missing as the alternative reasons are not usually with a good ending.  85% of our missing adult cases end each year with the missing adult either located deceased or known to be deceased and no body recovered.

Those  missing, of their own free will, are due to their own choice to leave their present life. Again, a very low percentage of adults, high for teens. (ex: runaways.)  These decisions are made with cognitive awareness, are usually planned and usually are the easiest cases to locate the missing person as they leave more "trails" for investigations to track their whereabouts.  Some of the more common reasons are: To start over a new life, to escape and hide from law enforcement, to experience life outside the rules of a parent/guardian (commonly known as "runaway"), to escape an abusive person by going into hiding or to "live off the land" away from everyone, to start a new life with another person, or due to joining a cult.

Abduction/Kidnapping While rare, abduction is a possible cause for a missing loved one (both adults and children) to have disappeared. Parental abduction is the leading cause of missing children in this particular category along with abduction for trafficking purposes.  Lower on the rate of statistics is the kidnapping for the purposes of rape and/or murder. It is also extremely rare that one is kidnapped for the purpose to extort money in exchange for their safe return. According to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, the major causes for missing children are:

• The most recent, comprehensive national study for the number of missing children estimated in 1999: [3] 
• Approximately 800,000 children younger than 18 were reported missing.
• More than 200,000 children were abducted by family members.
• More than 58,000 children were abducted by nonfamily members.
• An estimated 115 children were the victims of "stereotypical" kidnapping. These "stereotypical" kidnappings involved someone the child did not know or was an acquaintance. The child was held overnight, transported 50 miles or more, killed, ransomed or held with the intent to keep the child permanently.

Over 2,000 go missing in the United States EVERY day in the USA.
No person, no family is exempt from the trauma of having a loved one disappear. Every person, and every family, from all walks of life can have this happen at any time....and feel lost, confused, worried, fearful and will turn to us for help. We are here for those families and hope this public awareness campaign provides more clarity as to the plight families of missing have and the need for the public to assist whenever someone goes missing in their community.

Respectfully,

Cynthia Caron
President/Founder
LostNMissing, Inc.

NamUs-Victim Advocate (NH)

Office: 603.965.4621
24-hr Cell: 603.548.6548
www.lostnmissing.com

LostNMissing Inc., is an all-volunteer national tax-exempt organization under section 501(c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Code (the "code") and qualifies as a public supported organization under Sections, or Categories: P99 (Human Services - Multipurpose and Other N.E.C.); M99 (Other Public Safety, Disaster Preparedness, and Relief N.E.C.); I01 (Alliance/Advocacy Organizations). LostNMissing is organized and incorporated under the laws of the State of New Hampshire. We never charge a fee for our services.

What is Justice?

by Todd Blumhorst

What is justice? When we are faced with the murder of our loved one, we are overcome with a plethora of emotions and we begin a search for justice. We as survivors spend so much time seeking that justice that our own grief is often put on a back burner to be dealt with later because the desire for justice for our loved one is stronger than our personal heartache. They were robbed of so much more than we were and our love for them drives that need for justice.

When we think of justice for the crime of murder we generally envision the defendant going to trial, being found guilty, then serving life in prison or execution. We see the evidence in the court procedures and know our loved ones life was cut entirely too short at the hands of the defendant. We want to see them go away for a very long time or be executed and then justice is served.

Is justice an eye for an eye? Is justice found in the prison sentence? Is justice found at the end of the executioner’s needle? What happens if this sequence of events doesn’t happen like that and justice is denied? Worse yet, what if the defendant is never caught or is freed on a technicality? What if they are found to be un-restorable in their mental capacity and are set free? What if a plea is offered and they see much less time than had they been convicted? How does our murdered loved one get justice?

I struggled for years over this last question. How do I get justice for my sister Veronica and her disappearance and probable murder? We have no body, no murder weapon, or no verification of death. The only thing we have is a police report where a person very close to her stated they could have very well killed her but couldn’t quite recall due to a prior brain injury that caused memory loss at times. He went on to tell the police that if he did kill her then he was much smarter than them and her body wasn’t going to be found. For over 22 years, he has been correct, thus far.

My heart breaks when I am working with a family and they do not feel the sentence or outcome was justice. I often have to remind them that we have a court of law and not a court of justice. The laws can, at times, seem unjust for the survivors of homicide because the defendants appear to have all of the rights afforded to them. It is never easy to hear that the person who killed your loved one got off light or never even face a criminal trial because the case is unresolved.

How do we give our loved on justice in these cases? I have struggled with this question for over 22 years now and I get more pieces to the puzzle as the years progress. When I was fresh with grief, anger, hatred, and rage in 1990, I saw justice as taking him out to a field and killing him in the most brutal of fashions. As the years progressed and I saw that the likelihood of the case being resolved grew ever slimmer, I continued to seek resolution. I didn’t care that the investigator on her case appeared to be sitting on her case and not working it. We often went years without even a phone call to say he was thinking of us and he still wanted to find out what happened to Veronica. We go silent, another injustice.

As the 20 year anniversary of her disappearance approached I decided to make sure her memory wasn’t forgotten. I started a Facebook page for her because I was running into people there who would always ask me about her case. Instead of repeating myself constantly, I set up a place where her family and friends could remember her. I figured maybe a handful of friends would join; we had over 100 people in the first week. Currently, there are 1200 members on her page. They remember her, discuss the incompetence of the case management by police, they speculate on who killed her. They keep her memory and case alive.

The members soon began to discuss a memorial service for Veronica since a funeral was never held for her. The groundwork was being laid for a memorial service on the 20 year anniversary. I thought about this for a long time and felt something was missing from this event. I soon came up with the concept of the Veronica Blumhorst Memorial Expo for a Safer Commmunity which was going to be a safety fair of local service agencies to expose the community with the resources that are available to them in Northern Illinois River Valley. Even if it saved one person, there was some justice and Veronica saved a life.

I got a huge sense of relief after the expo and memorial. I felt that she did indeed get a modicum of justice, the scales weren’t even but they moved in her favor some. I returned to Arizona and began to look at the next step. What do I do next to get her more justice? The months went by and fate intervened. I lost two jobs within three months and was desperately seeking a job when I got a message from Gail Leland, the founder of Homicide Survivors. She told me to go there to see if they had anything for me. I went down and was told that they could employ me for two months. I jumped at the opportunity. I feel Veronica interceded from beyond because the permanent person they had hired didn’t work out and I was soon offered a full time position. I knew this was Veornica putting me in a place to work on that justice thing again. This time it was to help others on their journey of grief and by doing that then her death was not in vain and justice is added to her side of the scales.

After a year at Homicide Survivors, I was blessed to help many families during their tragedies. I still had my own tragedy to deal with and the fact that we never found her bothered me immensely. I sought out a human cadaver search team who agreed to assist our family. I went back to Illinois in September of 2012 on another justice mission. We were possibly successful in locating the area her remains are buried but now need to wait until this spring after the thaw and weather stabilizes out more. Hopefully we will bring her home soon for a proper burial. That would be justice to me today, just having her back.

Over time my concept of justice has changed. I started out with an eye for an eye idea of justice and it has evolved to an attitude of “give me back what was mine”. We just want to have that confirmation that she is dead and this state of limbo that has haunted us for 22+ years can be lifted. I would like survivors to know that even if you don’t get justice in court, you can still get justice for your loved one. I went to the extreme and you can too if you choose. You can also do the small things that bring them justice like start a neighborhood watch, volunteer at a womens shelter, or volunteer for something your loved one was passionate about. There are many small ways you can add justice to their side of the scale. Will they balance in the end? Probably not, but you can definitely make a difference and bring some good out of all the bad.

Todd J. Blumhorst, Advocate,
Assistant Volunteer Coordinator

Homicide Survivors Inc.
32 N. Stone Ave. #1408
Tucson, Az. 85701

520.740.5729
azhomicidesurvivors.org

Continuing on the Path

by Todd Blumhorst

I can’t walk another step on this path. I am not sure how much more I can bear. We will never find answers. If you are a long term cold case homicide or missing persons survivor, then you have probably said one of these phrases or something very similar in your head on many occasions. The weight of the unknown can be a perilous path to walk and defeat is forever brooding over your head. The unknown is always there of your waking moments, jabbing you in the side to constantly reminding you of its presence.

I can relate to that constant reminder in the case of my missing sister. I have had to live in the unknown for 22 years now; that is over half of my life. I have had to do a lot of self-advocacy for our family due to many factors with the law enforcement agency in charge of her case. There have been many times when the cards were stacked against me in my continuing search for answers. There were many times when I wanted to just give up and stop looking for answers. Many nights I would toss and turn in bed wondering how much more would be added to my plate. People have often told me that God trusts us and only gives us what we can handle; I really wish God didn’t trust me so much if this is the case. How does one go forward when faced with mountainous obstacles placed before them to obtain case resolution? When you are the survivor of a long term case where either the killer and or the remains of your loved one remain unknown it becomes difficult to “move on” with your life. The thought of going forward is a terrifying concept for our brains to manage and process.

In my situation, finding a stable grounding was the first hurdle to overcome. I was 16 when she left us and I was already dealing with teen problems and then one huge adult problem was placed in all of our laps. We never imagined having to live this nightmare and my parents did a great job of keeping me on track even though they were blinded by grief. After a while, Veronica wasn’t really brought up around the house and this upset me to no end. I would try to talk about her but the grimaces I would get when she was mentioned gave me the feeling that I was imposing too much on people around me.

As the years passed, I grew older and became involved in a long term relationship; I had hope for some sort of salvation by being able to talk to my partner about Veronica. It soon became evident quickly that he didn’t want to listen to me about my sister either and was asked to not discuss her death with him because it made him feel uncomfortable. I felt lost and didn’t know what to do next because her case had grown cold by this point and no one seemed to care. In hindsight, it’s not that people didn’t care- it was that the pain was so deep that it instilled actual fear in the people of our community. It was when I moved to Tucson where relief came and I found Homicide Survivors. I was finally able to tell my story uninterrupted.

After some time of working on my own grief, I gathered the strength to push for answers in her case. It was out of sheer love for my sister and a sense of justice that propelled me further down the path. It has always been an uphill battle in her case but I always kept the main goal in mind: find her body and advocate for justice for her. Earlier this year I decided that since her case was no longer active I would need to reignite the case with a search. I secured a private organization that performs canine searches for human remains who agreed to assist us in a search. I directed them to a couple of areas we have always suspected to be a potential burial site. We went to the first location and it was quickly determined there were no human remains present; it seemed that another hurdle had been placed before me. We then went to the second site which was quite larger and got two hits within 30 minutes, hope was ignited again that she would soon be found. We are in another holding pattern presently while the leaves and ground in the area dry up and the team can arrange a grid search with more dogs. Hopefully this part of the path is upon us and we start down the path to justice for Veronica.

It is important to me to obtain justice for Veronica; just as you do in your individual cases I am certain. In those moments when doubt creeps into your mind and you feel justice will never come, take a few deep breaths and realize that you can only do your best and much of the situation is out of your control. The love you had for them will be your driver in seeking justice, but don’t beat yourself up should you encounter obstacles. What I have learned in this continuing journey is that our loved ones hear us and they know we are trying to balance the scales of justice. I may not get discovery of her remains or justice, but I keep moving forward and trying to reach that goal and my love for her will sustain me on this journey.

Todd J. Blumhorst, Advocate,
Assistant Volunteer Coordinator

Homicide Survivors Inc.
32 N. Stone Ave. #1408
Tucson, Az. 85701

520.740.5729
azhomicidesurvivors.org

My Mom, Her Passing and Advanced Directives

Anna Fairbanks 1939-2012

by Cynthia Caron

My mom has passed away. Her death will leave a void that nothing will ever fill. Nobody can ever replace a mother…certainly not one as unique and beautiful as mine. With that said, I would like to take a moment and write about something very important that occurred from the moment I received the phone call from the ambulance attendants to my home in New Hampshire, of my mom's sudden massive stroke in Ohio. My flight landed only 9 hours later and I was in the ICU unit and facing the reality that my mom may never be the same and was in grave health. The last thing I wanted was to worry about the "legal aspects" of her medical care and treatment. How does this affect you? It does. It affects every living and breathing person no matter the age.

My point is, to please save your family and friends from having to "guess" your wishes should you be unable. Have an Advanced Directive/Living Will. It outlines who you wish to have make your medical decisions for you in case you are unable. It outlines, legally, what you would like done should you ever become incapacitated or without the ability to say what you would like done. My mom had a living will as I gave her one about 6 years ago, however, she did not complete it. Her prognosis was very poor in that her stroke was massive and without oxygen and blood to the left hemisphere of her brain. Initially, upon arrival to ICU, they felt she would probably be placed in rehab for 2-3 years to regain SOME of her capabilities lost. However, as the third day in ICU approached her brain swelled terribly and pushed the left side of brain into the right side. She suffered permanent brain damage that made rehabilitation no longer an option. She would have been permanently paralyzed, without the ability to swallow, talk, eat, drink or move on her own. She would have needed a feeding tube and a nursing home for the rest of her life until either her heart or pneumonia may have taken her.

While my mom's wishes were well known among all 3 of her children, myself included of course, and many of her friends… including numerous emails to me of others who "came back to the senior center with strokes" and her personal desires should she ever have one....it legally could not hold up to any of her three adult children to make decisions by the courts. It was up to the doctors. Doctors take an oath to keep a person "alive." We were very lucky she had a wonderful neurologist who was able to bring her out of a coma for a limited time to get her "nods" as to what she wanted when the brain began to swell.

I will never ever forget as long as I live the intense look on my mom's face as she listened closely and nodded no to brain surgery, no to a feeding tube and no to a life bedridden in a nursing home. Had her wishes been in writing, and some may disagree, it would have saved the pain of my mom facing the grim reality of her prognosis and from having to see me, her daughter, pressing my face into my hands to keep from sobbing and crying out loud. I will never forget the look on her face as she had to make decisions to leave us all.

My mom just turned 73 only a month before. A fit woman who walked 3 miles a day, or more, and spent hours in her garden, drawing and painting floral landscapes, choir and attending her local senior center for daily activities.

PLEASE make those decisions ahead of time. That is what a living will/advanced directive is. It outlines example situations so that you can decide if you want to be "kept alive" while in a state of poor prognosis or if your quality of life will not be sufficient to your wishes. Many times you are asked if you have a Living Will when you attend your doctor appointments. Your doctor's office should always have a copy, along with whomever you designate as your Power of Attorney (POA). (The person who signs on your behalf when you are unable.) Please take the time to click on your state, print a copy….complete it and provide to your doctor, POA and lawyer if you have one. It's free. Be sure to have it notarized, as well. Do not let your fate be decided outside of those who love and know you. We were certainly grateful that my mom was able to give her wishes to the doctor before falling back into her coma. She passed away 9 days later on September 16, 2012. Forever loved and forever will be missed, by many.

Link to Advanced Directives, by State: http://www.caringinfo.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=3289
Link to Obituary of Anna M. Fairbanks: http://www.josephrossifuneralhome.com/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=1590716&fh_id=12602

Respectfully,

Cynthia Caron
President/Founder
LostNMissing, Inc.

NamUs-Victim Advocate (NH)

Phone: 603.965.4621
Cell: 603.548.6548
www.lostnmissing.com

Austin, We Will Always Remember

by Anita Sullivan

“I often wonder if tears and prayers could bring you back to us... Why aren’t you already here?” 

excerpt from Jim Jolkowski on the 11^th anniversary of missing his son Jason, 

the inspiration for Project Jason 

This month marks five years of missing my brother Austin .  There was a completely surreal moment yesterday when I was enjoying the quiet of being home alone, but knowing my kids were having fun with family, and my husband was spending time serving at a youth camp.  It quickly took me back to almost five years ago, when my son was away spending time with family and my husband and I were enjoying some rare quiet time.  We spent the first evening with my brother, watching a funny movie.    

We planned dinners and fun things for the rest of the week.  But it didn’t happen.  Instead, one night was spent filing a police report, certain that Austin would walk back through the door and laugh at me.  Then the next days and nights were consumed by urgent phone calls, walking streets, passing out flyers, and comforting family. 

Sometimes five years seems like an eternity.  Then sometimes there’s a moment like that where it feels just a few heartbeats ago.

 

So much has happened, and yet so little has changed.  We’ve welcomed a little one that my brother would be very amused by, we’ve moved, we’ve gotten involved, we’ve grown older, we’ve welcomed new technology and new friends…. Yet, we have no more answers.  We have no less hurt. 

I’d like to be able to pull more out of the five year mark than simply remembering- some lessons learned, some pearls of wisdom.  But mostly I remember, which is often more painful than forgetting. 

I first wrote this when it was just One year, 11 months, 2 days and 1 week.  I sometimes update it as a reminder that we have made it through so much longer than we thought we would could or would have to.  We’ve found strength through faith and love, but yet I pray this is the last update I make.  One day little brother….

Four years, 11 months, 3 weeks and

five days since we saw you, heard you

hugged you.

Four years, 11 months, 3 weeks and

five days of searching, seeking, scouring

and devouring any piece of information

that would lead us to you.

Four years, 11 months, 3 weeks and

five days of still hearing your laugh and

seeing your smile, though only in our dreams.

Four years, 11 months, 3 weeks and

five days since our lives changed.

How many days are left?  We don’t know,

but we will continue for all of the rest of

the days on this journey until it ends, and

even then, a new journey will begin as we

walk with others.

-Anita Sullivan

 Anita Sullivan is the sister of a missing person, and long time advocate of victims, even before having a personal connection to the world of lost. During college,Anita found a passion for helping others and was involved in a variety of ministries. She then started a career in non-profit, first working with victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. She went on to work with at risk families through a supervised visitation program before spending several years in fundraising and advocacy. She now tries to reach people with a message of Hope through writing and speaking, while honoring her brother, Michael "Austin" Davis, who has been missing since 2007. To learn more about Anita, visit her at losingaustin.blogspot.com.  

Fair for All

By Anita Sullivan

Don’t you wish life was fair and people got what they deserved (both good and bad) and there was justice for all?  I really do.  But that’s not how things go, and anyone who works with victims or their families knows that better than most. 

Some children I adore are getting the short end of the stick right now.  Their dad is making decisions that are hurting him- but when you’re an adult and make the decisions, you face the consequences.  Their mom is amazing, and showing her kids real love by the way she handles it all.  She isn’t getting what’s fair, and neither are her kids.  What’s fair would be a dad and husband who chooses the right way, keeps his priorities in line, and doesn’t back away from the tough things.  What’s reality is kids and mom who are hurting.  Doesn’t seem fair.

And that’s just one of several situations around me like that right now. 

Since we see so much unfairness in the world, we sometimes try to balance that with fairness in everything we can control.  Sound familiar?  As organizations, we may help only in equal and fair amounts, helping one only how we can help all.  In professional settings, we often only give one what we can give all, even though we may want it different.  At home, we try to give equal portions and equal gifts and equal time.  We try to be fair.

 

But I heard a superb speaker this week, who said something completely opposite.

“Do for one what you wish you could do for everyone”- Andy Stanley

This doesn’t suggest that you drop the quality and quantity of the time, attention, and help that you give those you help or those you love.  It simply means that when you have the chance to really make a difference in the life of one person, take it.  Don’t worry about who you can’t do the same for; give what you can to that one.

 

Most of us have heard the story of the boy throwing starfish into the sea.  A passerby asked him why he bothered throwing some back when he couldn’t save them all.  He said it didn’t matter.  The boy simply responded “it mattered to that one” as he threw one into the waves, “and that one” as he threw another. 

Those we can’t reach or help can be overwhelming for those of us working to serve others.  My encouragement today is that you aren’t asked to help them all.  But for each person you do, you make a world of difference. 

Today, go out and do for one what you wish you could do for everyone. 

 Anita Sullivan is the sister of a missing person, and long time advocate of victims, even before having a personal connection to the world of lost. During college,Anita found a passion for helping others and was involved in a variety of ministries. She then started a career in non-profit, first working with victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. She went on to work with at risk families through a supervised visitation program before spending several years in fundraising and advocacy. She now tries to reach people with a message of Hope through writing and speaking, while honoring her brother, Michael "Austin" Davis, who has been missing since 2007. To learn more about Anita, visit her at losingaustin.blogspot.com.

In Support of the Journey

A Shared Journey

By Anita Sullivan

I didn’t set out to be an advocate for anyone. When I was little I wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. When I was a bit older I wanted to be a marine biologist. I wanted to be a Mom. I wanted to be a wife. I went to college and wanted to be a sports administrator. I got involved in ministry and wanted to share God’s love with others. But it was really still all about me. It was about what I wanted to do, where I saw my life going. I had it good, and thought I should share that with others.

I hit a few bumps in the road, faced some challenges. So I thought I might even be able to tell people how to get past them like I had.

So I began seeking meaningful work. I spent two years working with women in a domestic violence shelter and leading volunteers in a sexual assault response team. I spent night after night advocating for women in hospital emergency rooms, leaving exhausted and spent, but appreciative of the place I had in their lives in that moment. I learned even more from the women I worked with, who had chosen to become advocates, unlike me who had stumbled upon a job out of need. They were tough. They were sometimes mean. It became a little less about me, but still it was a job.

I then spent some time working with families in a supervised visitation program, training volunteers and observing families in need. Then I moved on to the business of cancer, advocating for patients in the community. But I found that the job was all about the business, there were already a lot of advocates, and as jobs went, it was pretty tough. Not really for me. It was still about me, but I knew it shouldn’t be just about me, and I didn’t think I was making a difference for anyone there. God kept growing my heart to want to do something real. But it was still about what I wanted to do.

So I took a break from the non-profit jobs. I thought that I’d figure it out while having a job that was just that, a job. And I’d focus for a while on my family. See, while I was busy finding jobs to advocate for people (good jobs going good work), I was advocating almost daily for my husband who battles a rare chronic illness. But I didn’t know what I wanted to do, that was just something I had to do. So the plan was to keep sharing my love for people through involvement at church, and keep figuring it out.

Five short months later, I again was forced into something I didn’t want to do. Much like facing my husband’s illness, I couldn’t go home from the job and relax. On June 26, 2007 I became an advocate for my brother, the day he went missing from my home. Michael “Austin” Davis was 26 and depressed, and I was silenced at first- by my own fear and guilt. But I spoke. Then, eventually I learned to speak for others too. To ask for help for us all. It was no longer about me. It was no longer a job. I still speak for my brother because he can’t, and for my family because sometimes they can’t. I speak for our community of missing to anyone who will listen because I can, and over time I’ve found that all the time I spent up until now was God preparing my heart for these days.


Years ago, I thought I might share with people how they might get past the bumps like I had. Today my message is much different. Today I offer instead that people climb the mountains and trudge the valleys alongside me, and together we can lean on each other, and I might be able to share some hope along the way. Today I no longer know so much about what I want to do or how I may be used, but I know that God may use me, and I’m open to that. And no matter what type of journey you’re on, no matter your situation, we can support each other.

Today as I start the journey of blogging on Time’s Up, that’s what I have to offer you. A shared journey.

Anita Sullivan is the sister of a missing person, and long time advocate of victims, even before having a personal connection to the world of lost. During college,Anita found a passion for helping others and was involved in a variety of ministries. She then started a career in non-profit, first working with victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. She went on to work with at risk families through a supervised visitation program before spending several years in fundraising and advocacy. She now tries to reach people with a message of Hope through writing and speaking, while honoring her brother, Michael "Austin" Davis, who has been missing since 2007. To learn more about Anita, visit her at losingaustin.blogspot.com.

Mother Searching for Missing Son Finds He Was in Morgue for Over 6 Months in Maryland

By Cynthia Caron

Victor Brian Banks, Jr., age 26, known as Brian Banks, was in a car accident on August 6, 2011 Takoma Park, MD. He was brought to Washington Adventist Hospital and fled the hospital the following morning on August 7, 2011. The reason he left the hospital to this date is "unknown." Brian did suffer with some depression but was not a troubled young man…fact is, he was a good son with many friends and was in the process of moving from Ohio to be near his mom in College Park, Maryland. When his mother, Denise Banks, could not reach or find Brian she filed a missing police report. Nobody knows what transpired from that point, however, it is felt that Brian was not given a proper "missing person" search because of being an adult missing male. For six months the organization, LostNMissing Inc, posted on nearly every social media site virtually possible in the search for Brian, as well as submitting his information to other organizations and entered his missing status into NamUs. (www.namus.gov) NamUs is the National Organization for Missing and Unidentified. The purpose for the national data bank is to hold all missing and unidentified in the United States with the hopes that those unidentified can have their names and families contacted for proper burials. LostNMissing's NamUs Coordinator, Billie Lynnell Cox, entered Victor Brian Banks, Jr. in the NamUs system on October 21, 2011 shortly after learning of his missing status. In the meantime, his mother was desperately searching for her son only to hear "adults have the right to go missing if they choose." Ms. Banks stated "I know my son. He never would have up and left without letting me know of his every whereabouts." She expressed this same comment over and again to police agencies from Maryland to Toledo, Ohio. Brian's mother learned that the Prince George County Police Department had his car impounded from the auto accident and told her they sent a letter at her College Park Address and sent one to Briain's home address in Toledo, Ohio. Neither letter was ever received. Because the police stated they had the "letter in the file" they had Brian's automobile destroyed at a towing company in Laurel, MD. To add further complications, Ms. Banks asked where her son's belongings were and was told by the PGCPD and towing company that "They did not have any of my son's belongings", stated Ms. Banks. Further, on September 15, 2011 and January 23, 2012 she was told that there "were no accidents on record for Victor Brian Banks." Frustrated, and saddened, Ms. Banks continued to push to get her needed answers. On February 1, 2012 Ms. Banks learned of her son's fate. Authorities explained that on the very day that he fled the hospital his body was located without any identification on his person. Brian was brought to the Baltimore City Morgue, which is a beautiful newly built state-of-the-art facility. His autopsy was performed and due to no physical trauma he was preserved within the facility to await identification. He was listed at the morgue as "John Doe." However, even that status fell through the cracks of the system. Especially to be noted is that Brian had, on his right arm, his own mother's name tattooed. It read "God bless Denise M. Banks" with a cross. The very same identifying characteristic that was placed on all of his missing posters. The very same name on nearly every police call and visit made by Ms. Banks. Had the release of a John Doe with the identifying tattoo was released to the public, he could have been named and his mother saved from months of heartache in the roller coaster ride of trying to find a missing child. Her child. Cynthia Caron, President and Founder of LostNMissing said " Had Brian been entered by the Medical Examiner's office into NamUs as unidentified, there is a good chance that he would have matched to his missing case on NamUs." She further added, "It is our hopes that all Medical Examiner's in the country learn of NamUs and the potential it has to not only hold missing loved ones, but more importantly, to bring loved ones back to their families who are left in morgues across the country as John and Jane Does." In Brian's case, remarkably he was very well preserved and the possibility exists that a public viewing may be possible. A mother now grieves the loss of her only child, her beautiful Brian. She gains strength in knowing that he is in God's heaven with his loved Grandmother and those who've passed before him. She vows to spend her free time towards educating police and medical examiners of the NamUs system and helping others who have missing loved ones. As Ms. Banks explained, "There is no such thing that an adult has the right to go missing and for the police to not take interest, after all…that adult IS somebody's child." Services and a Celebration of Life is in the planning stages and will be held on February 18, 2012 in Scottsville, Virginia. Location and times to be announced. FACEBOOK:  " In memory of Brian Banks"   Cynthia Caron President/Founder LostNMissing, Inc. PH: 603.548.6548 www.lostnmissing.com

What every person with a missing loved one must know...

by Stephanie Thompson

I am writing this from my own experience, having been in that "world" for 6 years and having a resolution, although not the one I wanted. I also am in contact with other people who have missing loved ones. The following is a list of things that I see, looking back, that I wish I had known. They are also things that I see still happening to people right now. So here goes....


Be Cautious to whom you give your personal information

Just because a person joins searches for your loved one doesn't mean they get automatic "family" status. These people who so fervently insert themselves in your search can be overbearing and manipulative. It can be their way of getting some notoriety or getting to feel like they are contributing. The latter is not so bad, but still, be careful. If they know too much about you, it starts to crowd your personal life and give people access to places in your life they haven't earned.

There is some sort of "war" going on between some organizations that are supposed to be helping families

Stay away. If you have one Organization Director bad mouthing another... don't join in. Your focus should always be on your missing loved one and the facts. Period.

There are always people who want to poke holes in your story

Ignore them, and if they must have an answer, simply explain to them, that the story will constantly change and there is nothing you can do about it. People will always be giving you good/bad information and as a family member looking for a loved one, you will always want to check any info given. If someone else can't see the confusion of that, they should just be ignored.

Don't feel like you have to post your loved one's info on only one organization's site

You might feel like you "owe" someone loyalty in your search. You don't. They are in business to help you. If they make you feel indebted... then they are not doing their job correctly. I can't stress this enough. There are very many organizations out there and most work together, which is wonderful. But they mostly all have a different hook. One org does physical searches while another pays for them. One does Billboards and another helps with emotional support, etc. They are all equally fantastic and useful. So don't limit yourself out of a false sense of loyalty. Again, your focus is not their comfort, it should be on your loved one. They aren't going through the same thing as you are (well most of them aren't). I mean, if YOU were in their shoes, wouldn’t you want the family you are helping to get as much exposure and assistance as possible?

Don't allow your information to be repeated in an untruthful way

ALWAYS double check what an organization or news story wants to post about your story before printing. Press releases and Missing Person's posters should always include the facts and be spelled correctly with proficient grammar. No one will take a story seriously if a person can't take the time and respect to get the information right. You are not required to allow anyone to pass out incorrect information on your behalf. I had an instance where I talked to a woman on the phone who wanted to do a “press release”… I agreed to the facts, and she bent them to meet her media goals. Then she created a flyer that had my Mom’s name misspelled, the words were all over the page and the facts were very limited. When I asked her to fix it, she treated me like I was being ungrateful. And I fell for it….

Do not, under any circumstances, allow an organization to “nominate” you to be a volunteer for them

If you ask to be a volunteer, that is fantastic and this world could do with more of you. But when you are going through such a traumatic experience, the last thing you need to do on top of that is have to feel like you have to go out and search for everyone else. I know how harsh this sounds, so hear me out..... When you are working a full time job and taking care of your family, all while looking for your loved one, the last thing your heart needs is to be filled up with everyone else' searches. It is one thing to be an advocate and get others messages out. By all means, please and thank you. But to have to physically exhaust yourself over someone else' "nomination" is unfair and exploitative. Especially if you feel like you “owe” your service to them because they have helped you. Remember, they went into business to help people like you… They shouldn’t expect anything from you. You need to focus on your loved one.

Be gracious and kind without exhausting yourself

Folks need to be reassured that you are thankful for their help. You don't need to shower them with accolades or push their message to the media. A simple thank you is far more easy for someone in your situation to deliver than a grand gesture such as certificates, flowers and immense media coverage. It is exhausting and true souls will understand that and be grateful that you aren't getting over stressed to the point you can't focus on your loved one.

Give yourself a break

Not everyone is strong enough to take on such an endeavor.... You probably already know what I mean. You are probably the only person in your family fervently searching for your loved one. I have been there. I used to be so hard on myself and so angry at the rest of my family. Looking back, I had every right to be angry at them, but not so hard on myself. But my anger didn't get me anywhere and only made me feel worse. It didn't push any of them into action. Once I was able to accept that, I wasn’t so hard on myself. Unfortunately, my acceptance happened after my Mom was found. I wish I had thought of it when I was searching.

Do not let an Organization director or chairperson treat you badly

No matter what the circumstances are..... No one has a right to treat you like dirt, or call you names. No matter what. If this happens to you, don't engage. Don't reply. Send that information to the police and to everyone else that you have joint contact with. This person should be held accountable for their actions so that they won’t repeat them to others. There is never any instance where a professional should treat a victim's family members badly. Ever. You don't owe them anything and should not allow them to make you feel badly when you are already going through enough. Even if you started it, they should be professional and ignore it. You are going through a rough enough time and need understanding, not a meany beating you down. I am not saying you have a right to start stuff with someone, just saying that the professional should not allow for the conversation to progress. This should never be an issue, but sadly it is.

The MEDIA is a great tool

But don't let yourself become a mediamonger. A mediamonger is someone whose soul purpose is getting their story to the media, rather than actually looking for their loved one. When your goal is having your loved ones story be the most popular, you can lose a lot of valuable actual searching time. You need those minutes. Nancy Grace won't give you that time back, CNN certainly won't. When you worry more about the pose you are making in the picture, than if the truth of the message is getting to the targeted people (locals who might know something, law enforcement, and helpful organizations), then you need to take a minute, regroup and get back on task. If people recognize you more than your loved one... it's kinda messed up. Focus on the facts... Not the amount of hits your story gets.

You can take these tips or leave them. They are from my personal experience and had I known, I would have navigated the "scene" much better than I did. I would not have allowed myself the frustrations that I endured that I could have been placing on looking for my mother, rather than petting someone's ego or allowing things to happen because I was so desperate forr help.

I hope this helps some of you with what you might be struggling with inside, and not sure how to express it or handle it.

There are so many fantastic organizations out there and I hope you can get all of the help that is available to make your journey easier on you. I also hope that you remember this is not about anyone else, but your loved one. If you keep your focus you will be ok. Good Luck.

Stephanie Thompson is the daughter of missing Catherine Lique. Catherine went missing in 2003, her remains were found in the California desert in 2008, and positively identified through DNA over a year later.












Editor's note: This article in no way reflects upon any particular missing persons organization, website or support group, but is meant to bring unity between families and the organizations that serve them.

"Dear Media!"

Respectfully,

Cynthia Caron
President/Founder
LostNMissing, Inc.
PH: 603.548.6548
www.lostnmissing.com