"Dear Media!"

Respectfully,

Cynthia Caron
President/Founder
LostNMissing, Inc.
PH: 603.548.6548
www.lostnmissing.com

Listening to the Perps

By Barry Goldstein

At the same time the media fails and refuses to cover the crisis in the custody courts in which thousands of children’s lives are destroyed by the use of outdated, discredited and biased practices, the NY Model Batterer Program I work with is frequently invited for television shows and interviews with reporters if we would provide a “reformed” batterer. We always turn down these requests and explain that there is no way to know a batterer has truly changed and that in any event he would not be someone with the expertise to help their audience understand the issue. This is no problem for most journalists. They simply find a program with less ethics and a greater desire to appear on television.

I believe the idea comes from a common practice where former prisoners are asked to speak with at risk youngsters to tell them what a life of crime and time in jail is like. This can be an effective tool to provide that message because it is coming from people who once were where the young people are now. The same approach is often used in substance abuse programs. Those who have experienced life using drugs or excessive amounts of alcohol are perceived to understand the temptations and results better. These types of programs can be effective, but a mistake is made when people attempt to expand the program to offenses involving sexism, racism or other oppressions. For these issues, the experts are those in the marginalized groups and not the offenders who took advantage of the unearned advantages they enjoy in this society based on being a member of groups that are treated as if they are superior. One of the privileges members of advantaged groups receive is the ability to define so that men can define what is included in abuse and whites define what constitutes racism. An earned privilege is something earned through work such as a doctor allowed to perform surgery based on education and training in comparison to a man who has the privilege of walking anywhere without risk of sexual assault or having people pay more attention to what he says than they do to what women say which is an unearned privilege. Members of the dominant group are often oblivious to the privileges they receive.

A good, or perhaps I should say bad example of this common mistake occurred at Minnesota State University, Mankato last month. The school paid Adam Ritz $2500 to speak to the students about the dangers of drinking. The event was sponsored by the Residence Hall Association, a fraternity and Men Against Violence. The Women’s Center expressed its opposition to the presentation but was ignored by these organizations including Men Against Violence which claims to be an ally of the Women’s Center.

Adam Ritz is a former local media personality. He is also a convicted sex offender. He reveals this as part of his presentation, but only towards the end. Mr. Ritz came home and attempted to rape the young woman who was baby-sitting his children. He was convicted, but served only six months and is on the sex offender list for his crime. His presentation sparked a controversy on campus that has spread throughout the country. A Facebook page was created to protest the decision to invite him to the school. Rather than treating the student body with a modicum of respect and addressing these concerns Mr. Ritz and the organizers of the program made many mistakes and I would like to look at them in hopes they can be avoided in the future.

1. Take Leadership from Members of the Marginalized Group: Men are not the experts about rape, just as it would be foolish to look to the wealthy to learn about poverty or a heterosexual to learn about the risk of being outed. Men can go virtually anywhere they wish without worrying about being sexually assaulted. Women have to pay close attention to the behavior or men and carefully restrict their activities in order to reduce the risk of rape. Women and even young girls have to learn and pay attention to information needed for their safety and so become the experts. Accordingly when the Women’s Center objected to the program with Adam Ritz, the male organizations should have recognized the Women’s Center as the experts on campus and stopped the program. Even better they should have consulted with the Women’s Center before scheduling Adam Ritz. It is unsurprising that they didn’t because they were exercising their privilege. Maya Angelou, the poet, says when people show you who they really are, believe them.

2. Rapists are not Qualified to Speak about Addressing or Ending Sexual Abuse: The many egregious, inappropriate and downright hurtful statements made by Adam Ritz illustrates why it is a bad idea to have perpetrators of sexist or other crimes based upon oppression speak to these issues. Rape, like domestic violence, is committed because of a belief system of male entitlement and the common view that the value of women has to do with their appearance and sexual attractiveness instead of their intelligence, talent, hard work, character and so many other attributes that women possess. At most, Adam Ritz may have learned that there can be moderately negative consequences to him for sexually assaulting a young woman, but there is no indication that he understands the magnitude of the harm he caused and the wrongness of both his actions and his beliefs. Society tends to measure whether a sex abuser or domestic violence offender has reformed by determining if he has been arrested again. This is an ineffective approach to these crimes which have the lowest rates for reporting of any crimes. In other words, the fact he was not rearrested does not mean he has not committed further crimes. Furthermore domestic violence offenders may switch to legally sanctioned (as we live in a patriarchal misogynistic culture) domestic violence tactics and sexual abusers may continue to treat girls and women as if their main value is their appearance even if they do not commit further crimes. Accordingly the school should not use a rapist to discuss sexual abuse particularly when so many on campus object.

3. Substance Abuse does not Cause Rape: Substance abuse causes a lot of societal problems such as premature death, days missed from work, lowering the GNP and additional burdens on the health care system. Certainly colleges and universities are justified in creating programs to respond to a problem that causes absenteeism, undermines the academic work of students and too often results in deaths from drunk driving and binge drinking. That seems to be the genesis of this program, but the speaker attempted to use his excessive drinking as an abuse excuse for his attempt to rape the young woman who was watching his children. While alcohol can reduce inhibitions, it does not cause people to engage in activities they would otherwise never consider. This truth makes us aware that Ritz is an even bigger danger than people want to believe because he is inclined to rape. We know this because with inhibitions reduced this is what he tried to do. If this wasn’t already on his agenda he would not have committed sexual violence as alcohol does not a rapist make, though, some rapists turn to alcohol in an attempt to justify or minimize the violence and harm they commit If Mr.Ritz had a belief system that sexual activity is supposed to be mutually pleasurable and based upon consent his excessive consumption of alcohol would not have caused him to do something out of character. The same is true with domestic violence where many abusers mistakenly blame alcohol for their more serious assaults. Millions of people drink too much, but never abuse their partners or attempt to rape someone while under the influence. Men on and off campus often seek to encourage women they are with to drink alcohol in the hopes it will reduce their resistance to having sex with them. It is based on a belief system of men wishing to be able to do things to women often degrading, demoralizing or dehumanizing, instead of sharing mutually pleasurable and meaningful activities with women.

4. Sending the Message of Serious Consequences for Men who Sexually Assault Women: Adam Ritz could have put out a message that there are now serious consequences for men who abuse and mistreat women. That would have been a useful message because the fear of consequences to them might make men change their behavior even when they do not fully understand the harm they are causing. The message was profoundly undermined by the extremely mild sentence Mr. Ritz received. It was further undermined by his approach which was to minimize all his transgressions and instead focus on how much he had suffered and lost. His failure to acknowledge the tremendous harm he did to the young woman and others demonstrates his failure to understand the consequences of his actions and a complete lack of accountability for his crimes.

As men generally do not worry about being sexually assaulted it can be hard for them to understand the magnitude of the harm they cause. Our patriarchal culture structures privilege to shield men from the realities of the harm they cause. Newsweek ran an interesting article right after the 9-11 terrorist attack. They compared a variety of traumatic events in terms of what is most likely to cause Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder (PTSD). This is a horrible experience commonly caused by the worst possible experiences such as war, earthquakes, kidnappings, hurricanes and killing sprees. The reason they wrote the story at that time was because the type of event second most likely to cause PTSD was a terroristic attack. At that time the closest example we had was the Oklahoma City bombing. Significantly, the type of event most likely to cause PTSD was rape. It may be hard for a man to imagine being raped, but they can certainly imagine what it would be like to be in the middle of a terror attack as it is a subject about which the media always provides comprehensive coverage. My purpose is not to compare rape and a terror attack, but to consider that rape is even more likely to cause PTSD. That should help men understand the magnitude of the harm they cause when committing rape.

5. Men Must be Open to Questions and Challenges: The organizers promised that there would be an opportunity for questions and comments. This was an absolute necessity after a discussion of such an emotionally charged topic and particularly one led by someone with unearned privilege. The organizers appear to have never intended to provide a question and answer session and just announced there was no time for questions and abruptly ended the program. This permitted wrong and disturbing messages to remain to further support a rape culture. An ethical speaker would have wanted to hear what community members had to say in order to make sure he had not caused further pain. Apparently, Mr. Ritz continues to be concerned only with himself and his needs.

6. Focus on the Impact on Victims not Offenders: Many of the women in the audience were offended because Adam Ritz focused on the moderate consequences he brought on himself by his actions instead of concentrating on the severe harm he had caused his victim. Supposedly he was paid to speak because he had learned some lessons that he could share particularly with the men in the audience. Instead it is clear that he has not learned the right lessons because he continues to focus on what happened to him which was more than deserved instead of the horror he inflicted on the young woman he attacked who did nothing and could not possibly do anything to deserve what Mr. Ritz did to her. Mr. Ritz discussed his shameful behavior as if he was a victim rather than the perpetrator. Too often in this society, perpetrators of outrageous and offensive conduct say something like “mistakes were made” instead of accepting complete and total responsibility and acknowledging the harm he alone caused. While society encourages such meaningless insincere apologies with a boys will be boys mentality, Adam Ritz must share the blame for his unaccountable message.

7. Consider the Impact on the Audience: The rate of rape and sexual abuse on college campuses is frighteningly high. This means there was a good chance that victims of this crime could be expected to be in the audience. This is especially true because there was no warning in the publicity materials that the speaker was a rapist. The approach of Mr. Ritz in minimizing his responsibility and focusing on the legal sanctions and consequences to offenders rather than the harm they caused their victims was likely to be offensive to caring people who oppose misogynistic messages in society and support the work to end men’s violence against women. His deeply flawed presentation has the potential for severely harming survivors who had been victimized by other rapists. Again this is why it was so crucial to get feedback from the Women’s Center.

8. The Focus Should be on Changing Men’s Behavior: Most programs and approaches to preventing rape and sexual assault are based on changing women’s behavior, and hence collude with rather than meaningfully address the rape culture. Certainly there are many actions women can take to reduce their risk and these can sometimes be useful responses, but the danger is that it promotes the blame-the-victim approaches that predominate as responses to sexual assault. Better approaches would involve holding men accountable for their own actions and putting the responsibility to prevent rape on men where it belongs. Only rapists can stop rape and to think otherwise is to accept the premise that men are entitled to rape if they can get away with it. This is exactly what Adam Ritz, still clinging to his privilege, refused to do and more importantly what the school failed to do when they selected such an inappropriate speaker.

What Can Colleges Do to Prevent Rape on Campus?

1. Hold Offenders Accountable: Schools should make it clear that there will be zero tolerance for sexual assault. Lesser offenses like harassment or verbal abuse must be treated seriously. Athletes should be warned that charges of sexual assault will result in suspension from the team and confirmed findings will result in removal from the team. When any charges are pending the alleged offender should have no access to the alleged victim even if he has to change classes. The strongest deterrent will occur when men see other men punished for behaviors they had always thought were no big deal. This is exactly what American Colleges and Universities fail to do when they impose gag orders or even expel survivors, fail to make required reports of sexual assaults and protect student, faculty and staff rapists.

2. Train Staff: Students tend to pay more attention to what they observe than what they are told. Therefore it is important for colleges to train staff about domestic violence and sexual assault. They need to know more than what the rules are and how to enforce them. Teachers and administrators need to set an example for treating women in a respectful manner. Sexist jokes and comments should be avoided and sexual harassment rules strictly enforced. Placing women in positions of authority sends a strong message about the value of women.

3. Consult Women’s Organizations: When colleges develop policy, practices and particularly programs aimed at preventing sexual assaults, the administration should consult with Women’s organizations with an interest in the issue. This will give administrators a viewpoint that will help them understand what coeds are facing on campus and what they think could help them.

4. Men Must Earn Ally Status: Men have an important role to play in ending men’s mistreatment of women. We certainly want men to become actively involved and to support women, thus creating a healthier humanity. At the same time the men must avoid thinking they have all the knowledge and that they can take the lead on this issue. I belong to the National Organization for Men Against Sexism (NOMAS). We aspire to be considered allies of women and organizations working on behalf of women. It is not up to us, however to proclaim ourselves allies, but to listen to the women and hope they will consider us allies.

Conclusion

Adam Ritz, without taking the time to earn the trust of women and without understanding the issues he speaks about, took it upon himself to create a for-profit business where he would be paid large sums of money to speak about very sensitive subjects that he is unqualified to address. In doing so, he caused tremendous harm and subjected himself to much deserved criticism. I also often speak when asked on behalf of women and for such organizations as the Battered Mothers Custody Conference and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. The difference is that I worked a long time on these issues and earned the trust of the women who are leaders in these organizations. I learned the importance of taking direction from women which I must admit was not always easy because it is so different from what men learn in this society. Unlike Adam Ritz, women leaders asked me to speak on their behalf and I continue to listen to their feedback in order to be accountable to the women in the movement. Adam Ritz was never part of the movement so speaks for profit and to minimize his responsibility for his crimes instead of encouraging men to stop acting on their sexism and male superiority. Men in the movement to end men’s violence against women often receive undeserved praise for doing what ought to be normal. As long as men’s mistreatment of women is the norm, men have substantial unearned advantages over women and a substantial portion of the population provide misplaced sympathy for rapists like Adam Ritz because he spent six months in jail for his attempt to rape a young woman in his home, while minimizing the lifetime of pain, fear and trauma suffered by survivors of Adam Ritz and other rapists, it will be important for men to listen to women and be open to the idea that a lot of our beliefs must change.

I wish to acknowledge and thank Genevieve Brackins for her assistance in preparing this article.



Barry Goldstein is a nationally recognized domestic violence expert, speaker, writer and consultant. He is the co-editor with Mo Therese Hannah of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY. Barry can be reached by email at their web site www.Domesticviolenceabuseandchildcustody.com

Angel in Three Courts

By Charles Moncrief

Angel Downs was shot to death and her former boyfriend went to trial for murder. The defendant in this trial is a former county commissioner, a churchgoing man who cheated on his wife and family and even involved his son in making the adulterous affair seem normal. While the prosecution and defense teams built their cases for this court action, another trial has taken place in the court of public opinion.

In the court of the parlor tea gatherings, and of the government-fearing news media -- in which we cynically note substantial crossover -- Angel Downs is the defendant. In all these polite places Angel is referred to with such terms as “mistress,” “paramour,” and whatever manipulates opinion and sympathy toward the man who killed her. Our society, which glorifies sex outside of marriage, rewards politicians and entertainers who defile their marriage beds, is quick to condemn the morals of someone whose death forces a respected public official to face accountability under the law.

Without presuming to speak for all of the contributors to this blog, the sentiment is heavily weighted in Angel’s favor. Speaking for myself, there is no pretense of enlarging Angel beyond the person she was in life. Angel was the partner in an adulterous affair, and accounts by the defense and the media concerning her drug use may contain a grain of truth -- though the accusations are largely false, blowing out of proportion the lifesaving PRESCRIPTION medications Angel used. (Amazingly, the media have kept silent about Angel’s efforts to keep secret an affair that her boyfriend was running up the flagpole!) But while aspects of Angel’s behavior were what we may consider self-destructive, she in no way deserved either of the sentences she received: death by the man who shot her, and burial in slime by the politically correct in high society.

As I consider the two courts, I am saddened at the inability of either to bring about justice for Angel. But my sadness is offset by the reality of the third court. Since this is the season of Advent, leading up to the celebration of Christmas, my thoughts turn to this text from Isaiah 11:2-4a. The passage refers to a descendant of David, Israel’s greatest king.

And the spirit of the LORD shall rest upon him, the spirit of wisdom and understanding, the spirit of counsel and might, the spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the LORD; And shall make him of quick understanding in the fear of the LORD: and he shall not judge after the sight of his eyes, neither reprove after the hearing of his ears: But with righteousness shall he judge the poor, and reprove with equity for the meek of the earth. . . . (KJV)

The Judge mentioned in this reading will not be swayed by media lies or manipulative expressions of the facts. And Angel will stand before this Judge on equal footing with her politically powerful boyfriend. As for me, ultimately this is the only court that matters.

There is no place where earth’s sorrows

Are more felt than up in heaven.

There is no place where earth’s failings

Have such kindly judgment given.

(#304, from Hymnal 1940)

And from John 8:11, where Jesus refuses to condemn a woman caught in adultery. (Note that Jesus still calls her act a sin, while not judging the woman’s character.)

Since Christmas is approaching, I find encouragement in Mary’s words from Luke 1:52-53.

He hath put down the mighty from their seats, and exalted them of low degree. He hath filled the hungry with good things; and the rich he hath sent empty away. (KJV)

What a sharp contrast between this court and that of the media in Angel’s case!

Of course, whenever I look into the mirror, I’m reminded of how much I need this court!

Grace and Peace,

Charles+

http://timesupblog.blogspot.com/2010/08/supporting-justice-for-angel-downs-with.html
http://timesupblog.blogspot.com/2010/06/two-faces-of-steve-nodine-politician.html
http://timesupblog.blogspot.com/2010/07/living-in-midtown-disturbia.html
http://timesupblog.blogspot.com/2010/07/accused-lady-killer-i-know-what-you-are.html

The opinions and information expressed in the individual posts do not necessarily reflect the opinions of each contributor of "Time's Up!"

The Power of Media

By Lyn Twyman

Media is one of the most powerful tools that exists.  When organizations and the government cannot help, media continues to be one of the few resources left for citizens and those victimized.  When there's little money for lawyers and representation, media will always be there to help people fight back and make their voices heard.  We cannot be afraid to use this powerful tool to raise awareness and educate. 

Media enlightens, helps to unravel mysteries and documents history as it unfolds.  Whether we're looking at movies, documentaries, PSA's or the internet, media will always be there to bear public record of our plight, fight and spread our message far and wide when we're unable to break barriers otherwise.  Activists often use media to get the attention of agencies and politicians who will not step in to address an issue until it reaches a tipping point.

This October, Domestic Violence Awareness Month is used as the pivotal time of year for many groups to increase awareness about the issue.  But increased awareness should not come just one time a year.  It has to be an ongoing, collective effort within the entire field.  So I want to challenge all of us to take a new look at the way we utilize media to spread the message of our causes.  If you haven't developed your own media approach, you may want to consider it.  Media can be vlogs, blogs, websites, movies, documentaries, interviews, radio and articles.  You can broadcast or distribute your message locally, regionally, nationally or globally. 

Some of you may think you don't or won't have an audience for your message.  According to the CIA World Factbook, as of July 2009 there was an average of 6.8 billion people living on earth so you are bound to have an audience for your message.  But you don't want to just grab people's attention, you want to get people to really think about your issue by presenting them with a genuine message and offer solutions.

Celebrity Status

Some of you who run organizations may be thinking 'I need a celebrity to back my cause,' but you really don't.  While most people will gravitate towards celebrities, one thing to keep in mind is the moment they get involved in a crime or scandal, support for your cause can dwindle because the public has identified your cause with the celebrity instead of identifying your message and solutions you propose. So this goes back to the point I made previously that you don't just want to grab society's attention, you want to get society to make decisions and act.    Having a celebrity involved in any form of media always helps to draw attention to a cause and it's even more helpful when that famous person continues using their influence in society on a consistent basis for your cause.  Take for example, there is a long list of celebrities that support anti-violence but only a handful consistently goes into the community and do work for domestic violence. 

In addition, celebrities with the wrong message and execution can be just as damaging to a cause.  Take for example the video "Love the Way You Lie" with Eminem and Rihanna and the recent domestic violence PSA with David Arquette and Courteney Cox.   According to comments that were posted throughout the internet, both forms of media sent mixed messages to viewers, leaving some uncomfortable instead of drawing them closer to learn more about the issue.  Eminem and Rihanna’s gig may have portrayed “dual” domestic violence but it was oversexed and over sensationalized.  David Arquette and Courteney Cox used unclean humor that reminded many of sexual victimization and borderline gay jokes.  There's a difference between taking the public on an emotional roller coaster for mere publicity and actually delivering a message to bring transformative and impactful change to society.  You want people to be compelled to openly share your message.

So don't be over shadowed by Hollywood and think you have to be someone glitzed and glamoured in order to be heard.  Your cause DOES NOT need a celebrity but your cause does need YOU.  Real social changers that use media to help further a cause typically are not celebrities.  They start out as everyday people with a mission and a vision.    It's by their good works they are known and not by the money, the hair, the movie lines or Photo shopped pics that gets the job done. 

Audience and Messaging

Know your audience and make sure your message is sincere, genuine and relevant.  This may sound like common sense but what sounds good to you may not sound good to most of the people in your audience.  Try to picture yourself hearing your own message for the first time and objectively consider how it would make you react.  The message should be heartfelt and go beyond talking points.  What information do you have for your audience? How can they relate to the issue?  What do you want them to do about the problem? 

Your messaging should also be clear and consistent.  Avoid reinventing your message too often and execute new media campaigns at appropriate times.  You should be reaching your audience with a defined issue.  Your audience in turn is waiting to see what relevant information you will give them about the issue.  Sometimes the audience doesn't even know they need to hear your message.  People will also sense confusion in your own work when your messaging is not consistent and will start to not take you seriously when your messaging changes too frequently so take time to really study your message.

Beware of Snakes in the Grass

Occasionally, you'll run into activists, organizations and entertainment producers that are nothing more than snakes in the grass.  As much as we'd like to believe everyone in our field of activism has the right motives there are those few who truly do not.   Their goals are disingenuous and motives lead to victimization or the re-victimization of others.  Media influence is powerful; that's why it's a multi-billion dollar industry.  So when you're looking to launch a media campaign, don't use broad statements, hype words or name drop.  Many people make the mistake of putting out false information which can be verified and their creditability becomes questioned because of something they put into their own media.  Remember, just because a person says they are doing something doesn't mean they are really doing it so do your homework and check their statements, even other advocates.  Make sure that what you say you too are also doing so you don't become a snake in the grass yourself and lose your creditability.

I want to challenge all of us in the next year to increase our own media outreach.  Use your Youtube, Facebook, Twitter, website, blogs and tag your posts.  Reach out to your local newspapers, magazines, radio and t.v.  Don't wait for a celebrity, organization or the government; do it yourself. 

So tap into your list of contacts and see who can help you to get the word out and spread it.  If we keep speaking up and loud enough with the right message, the voices of mere individuals talking at once becomes a massive crowd of activists making a sound that cannot be ignored, becoming unified.  Most of all, survivors and families will get the help they need and deserve because people will begin to listen and act.

Lyn Twyman is the Founder of Courage Network, a community for domestic violence survivors, family & friends, advocates, professionals and organizations.