Blaming the Victims

by Heidi Hiatt

Every time the topics of abuse, dysfunction, and boundary violations come up, I cringe, knowing that the same old sanctimonious rhetoric is about to slither up my neck like a decrepit, toxic snail: “We’ll pray for you. You need let go of your unforgiveness. We hope that the root of bitterness will be dug out.”

In my mind I’m asking, “and do you realize how many people are driven away from the Gospel because of this damning, judgmental legalism instead of towards it?!!” Then mushroom clouds erupt from my ears in a white-hot flash of righteous anger.

While I am by no means a perfect example of my faith, I’m not shy about identifying as a Christian. Why should I be? A God who loves me personally sacrificed His Son so that I could live– and not just live now, but always. Don’t ask me to explain that. The concept blows my mind. But knowing there is a life beyond this, and that love is eternal, and that there is a reason to keep going even in those deep, dark, silent moments– it’s glorious.

While I’m thankful for a strong Christian heritage in some branches of my family tree, my faith has been born largely of adversity, not out of some blind adherence to the ways of my ancestors. One reason I hold tightly to God is because His love transcends the dysfunction of my earthly family, not because His love reflects that family. The Psalmist understood this, saying, “though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me” (Psalm 27:10).

While godly family members have had a major influence on my faith in Christ, certain overzealous efforts and timeworn legalistic platitudes could have driven me away from the Gospel the same way it’s repelled others who are dear to me. Legalism, simply put, is adding man-made rules on top of God-made rules as if a true believer is supposed to honor the whole shebang. It is a recipe for pain and conflict that has driven millions away from God and even to extremes such as suicide. Trying to please man on top of God can be an impossible task.

Legalism is self-serving and narcissistic. It is a way that men can feel better than other men, a holier than thou set-up which condemns those who don’t bow to the almighty cultural norms of a particular church or sect. One of the most blatant mistakes that overzealous, legalistic people make– and that drives people away from a loving, merciful God– is blaming the victims. What I mean by this is that their default, knee-jerk reaction to any sort of violence, particularly family violence, is to immediately make the victim feel responsible for what someone did to them.

I have experienced this to varying degrees my whole life and grieve at just how much damage it has done in my circles. It fractures families. Christians who do this are painting a false image of God, making Him appear to be an unapproachable, sadistic comandante who’s waiting to strike you with a bolt of lightning. To be told, when you’ve been mistreated, abused, or violated, that “it’s your fault” can be the least godly and most damaging thing that could possibly be said. But it’s also the easiest thing for them to say, because it avoids facing the real issues and addressing evil for what it is.

Ironically, “blame the victim” types often don’t know the victim’s whole story or enough of their circumstances to make a proper assessment of the life, but assume that they know enough to judge that person. Because of their own need to feel holy, or morally superior, or to maintain control or their public image of being someone who’s “together”, they don’t think twice about pummeling the bleeding soul standing in front of them. Mercy and grace go out the window as the claws come out, belittling the person who just tried to confide in them and adding to the crushing stress they’re already carrying.

These attacks on the victim can occur in a number of ways. After some conversations with an insightful relative I made a partial list of some of the most common behaviors of the “blame the victim” crowd.

1. Poor boundaries. Many of these blamers have poor boundaries and allow dangerous people in their circles believing that God will change them. God might, but in the meantime, as believers in Christ, they should discern between good and evil and protect those who need to be protected. Allowing abusers, stalkers, and some types of criminals to remain in close proximity to their victims is idiocy. If they believe those offenders need discipleship or counseling, that can be done far away from the victim and does not need to involve them.

Blamers also need to realize that just because the abuser, etc. is a family member does not mean that the victim is required to maintain contact with them. This is a common, glaring error in the church that puts hearts, souls, and lives in danger. If one person presents a threat to another, be it emotionally, physically, or what have you, there is no “Christian” requirement for the victim to maintain contact and keep putting themselves in harm’s way. Sometimes forgiveness, reform, etc. can only be done from a distance in order to keep the victim from being violated again.

Blamers like to chide victims for having boundaries. When discussing boundaries with people I like to point out that as a Christian you should have better and stronger boundaries with evil for that is what separates you from the rest of the world. Blamers believe that they are separate and sanctified, yet often deride victims for not acting like doormats. Remember, Christ said to turn the other cheek, not let yourself be used, beaten, raped, or killed.

2. Denying the trauma. If you don’t understand someone else’s trauma, it’s easy to dismiss it. We understand PTSD, for example, in the context of war and acknowledge that many soldiers come home with it. But how many in the church realize that victims of family violence can also suffer from PTSD? A great many do. Regardless of whether the effects that violence have had on a victim’s life can be classified into a known diagnosis or not, that violence has very real effects on victims’ minds, hearts, and physical health. That trauma exists whether blamers want to acknowledge its existence or not.

3. Denying the abuse that is still happening. Blamers frequently do not understand the dynamics that drive family violence, namely power and control. They wouldn’t know what abuse is if it were happening right in front of them– and it does. In a frightening twist, blamers are often people in positions of power within the church. They are those who counsel parishioners in failing marriages and run ministries in which people are likely to need help with problems like domestic violence.

Unfortunately, when a victim comes forward and says, “I just had a horrible fight with my husband and I’m afraid it’s getting worse,” their solution is not to connect the victim with a domestic violence advocate, but to discuss the ways they can “get their husband to stop doing that.” This is the “wear a pretty dress, do your hair, make sure a delicious casserole is waiting when he gets home” approach. It is a total denial of what is happening to that woman and the danger she is in.

Blamers like to assume that you stay away from certain people because of what’s happened in the past, as if you’re not letting go of it. In their book, if you’ve truly forgiven the person, then you should let that person back into your life. They are blind to the fact that you’re not keeping your distance because of the past, but because of what that person is still doing.

A lot of abusive people will never change and many get more abusive in time. They also learn more covert ways to abuse their victims over the years, meting out their punishment in ways designed to make the victims look crazy and them like the good guys. They’re con artists.

4. Failing to call evil what it is. Blamers don’t want to call someone in their own family evil, especially if that person considers themselves a Christian. They also don’t want to label any other Christians as such. This is the part at which I remind them that there are both sheep and wolves in the church and sometimes the most successful wolves are those with the most glamorous sheepskins.

Domestic violence, divorce, and other horrors happen in Christian families as much as they do in the rest of the population. It’s a sad fact that sits right next to another tragedy, the tragedy that the church is often the last place people go for help. Those I work with on domestic violence advocacy issues know I’m a firm believer that the church should be the first place victims go for help. Until all Christians can recognize evil as evil, though, this will never happen.

Hurting another human being when it isn’t in self-defense is evil. Trying to berate them, belittle them, control them, molest them, sexually assault them, hit them, and otherwise violate their boundaries is evil. Church, why aren’t we as a whole getting this? Saying yes to Jesus means saying no to evil and when He said, “do unto others,” He wasn’t kidding. As author Joel Rosenberg says, “misunderstanding the nature and threat of evil is to risk being blindsided by it.”

5. Endangering the victim by not taking them seriously. When blamers deny what a victim is enduring and how it’s affecting them, they become a party to their undoing. Denying the danger someone is in, be it psychologically or physically, doesn’t make it go away. As I mentioned in the boundaries section, blamers often see nothing wrong with pushing victims to “reconcile themselves” to their violators which often places the victims in harm’s away again.

6. Making the victim into someone they’re not. Anyone who’s dealt with domestic violence or crime knows that victims are often questioned as if they’re the suspects. Blamers are adept at this tactic. Rather than find out what truly happened and learn the victim’s side of the story, they automatically stereotype a victim who is standing up to their attacker as overly sensitive, needy, damaged, or any other derogatory and convenient term that comes to mind.

After they’ve had their “pep talk” with the victim about their “unforgiveness” and how the victim should practice their unsafe brand of reconciliation, they condemn the victim if they don’t do things their way. This can lead to all sorts of judgmental, damaging gossip that can make others question the victim’s motives and credibility. Blamers: just because a victim doesn’t handle their situation your way doesn’t make them un-Christlike. Please separate your legalism from your faith.

7. Lack of discernment. What is the most universal behavior of sociopathic people? They prey on your sympathy (thank you, author Martha Stout). Blamers frequently get sucked into the suspect’s ploy for sympathy, especially when it is someone close to them. They simply don’t want to believe that their relative or close friend is capable of what the victims are saying they are.

Abusers in particular love to twist things around to make themselves look like the good guys and get everyone to frown on the supposed immaturity/insecurity/faults/weaknesses/shortcomings/fabrications/exaggerations, etc. of the victims. And many Christians just fall for it! Christians– those who are supposed to have the Holy Spirit living within them to show them right from wrong– sometimes fall all over themselves to accommodate criminals and abusers as if they’re the “real” victims.

Unacceptable! When someone comes to you and tells you that they’ve been violated or mistreated, you should start by believing them and making sure they’re safe, not rushing to defend your buddy or brother who “couldn’t have possibly done that.” It deeply troubles me that so many believers don’t pause to consider how much trouble the victim might be in or to ask God for His insight before they rush to defend the wolves.

8. Damning the victim’s future. Blamers are masters of limiting God’s grace. Even those who might provide genuine and desperately needed help to victims act as if God’s mercy for their situation only goes so far. A blamer might have the wisdom to help a victim out of an abusive marriage– and may God bless them for doing so. But they might simultaneously be lecturing the victim that they can never be married again and must adhere to a monastic lifestyle. They will readily bust out scripture to support their attempt to control the victim’s life, going as far as to assure the victim they will go to hell if they don’t do things their way.

In my church we believe that victims of certain circumstances can be married again and a senior pastor convinced our congregation of this through scripture. There are violations of the marriage covenant that render it broken and there are some circumstances too dangerous to go back to.

To say that the victim has to spend the rest of their life honoring a broken covenant is ludicrous. That limits a God who specializes in second chances, healing, and redemption. It limits His infinite grace. Yet is exactly this threat of hellfire and damnation for daring to allow God to make something magnificent out of our brokenness that condemns many victims to stay in potentially deadly relationships.

Ultimately, blamers who put the onus on victims are just adding to the stress that the victims are already dealing with. They are helping keep them in the shadows rather than taking their hands and walking with them into the light. By adding all their nitpicky little rules, regulations and rituals to what is supposed to be a simple relationship with a loving and forgiving God, they could very easily be turning more people away from Heaven than towards it.

It breaks my heart to see how this supposedly pious behavior misrepresents the God who wants to be a Father to His children– a truly worthy father, a very different father from the earthly one many victims have had. Why would non-believers want anything to do with a God who makes them feel like what happened to them is primarily their fault? That is, however, exactly what is being represented to them by the astounding number of “blame the victim” believers.

It is important for blamers to remember is that it’s not up to them to decide what’s best for another adult. They need to respect the choices that an adult victim/survivor has made and not make it their mission to bend another human being to their will. God Himself has given each of us free will and we are to help others conform to His image, not our own. Exercising some sick, selfish need to control others and make them feel like less of a Christian for standing up to evil requires a long, hard look in the pool of reflection.

Next time you are tempted to start lecturing a victim about the walls they put up to protect themselves and their family, or start dictating to them how they should feel or act, consider who you are an ambassador for. Is this really how you want people to see Jesus, as judge, jury, and executioner of the wounded? How does a self-righteous, pharisaical dissection of the victim’s supposed mindset, heart, and actions serve to further the kingdom? Are you risking their soul just so you can feel morally superior?

Imagine the victories that could be achieved if you would put your energies into being strong support for victims rather than picking them apart. Consider whether the way you treat victims of crime and violence is driving people towards the cross or away from it. Then adjust your approach accordingly, because the way the church is responding to the horrors in our society has influenced millions of people to turn away from the faith.

Are you a part of the solution or part of the problem?

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If Jesus had tried to make everyone happy, we would all be lost. If self-centered people are angry at you, it means you are learning to say no to evil. If mean people are displeased with you, it means that you are standing up to abuse. If pharisaical Christians judge you, it means that you are becoming like your Savior. If your parents don’t like the decisions that you as an adult feel God has led you to make, it means that you are growing up. –Henry Cloud

Heidi Hiatt, MA recently graduated as a Forensic Psychologist.  You can read more of her posts at her personal blog, Truth, Justice, and All-American Allergen-Free Apple Pie Straight Talk in a Crooked World

Battle Fatigue: The War for Peace

By: Todd Blumhorst

We have been thrown blindly into a war in which we never wanted to fight. They entered our lives like a thief in the dark; they not only took our loved one, they also made a declaration of war upon our souls. Did they not expect us to react when they took our loved one from us? Did they think we would sit idly by and watch justice slip away? This was your Pearl Harbor, a blind attack from nowhere. You weren’t prepared for the horror, but you were forced to fight.

Sometimes it is a short battle for justice where someone is caught and the criminal justice system is able to secure a conviction and the person is sent away for a long time. Other times, it can be a very long and drawn out ordeal for those survivors seeking justice for their loved ones. For those cases that go unresolved for years, the toll on the survivors is devastatingly painful to endure. These battles can also have multiple fronts and you may feel like you are fighting in many directions. The perpetrator may be free and you battle the fear of retaliation. You may have a case that simply lacks any viable physical evidence; a battle with frustration can wear on one’s soul. In some cases, the police don’t work the case as they should for a myriad of reasons; the battle of apathy can be one of the most vicious on the survivors. How does one engage in these battles for months and years? How does one find peace when justice is absent? How do you maintain sanity in an insane situation? These are questions many survivors have asked many times before.

My war started on Thursday, September 20, 1990 in Mendota, Illinois when my sister vanished without a trace. She disappeared in a 25 foot span of space from our garage, where she parked upon returning home from work, to our home. In the initial investigation it was found that her boyfriend made self-incriminating statements that indicated he had murdered my sister. His comments could not constitute a confession because no body was found and there were no signs of struggle. The first front in my war was established. As her case made its way through the trenches of the legal system many mistakes were made and her case became political. Her case suffered further battle wounds as did the hearts of those who loved Veronica. Now I had 2 battle fronts going in this war. The case drug out for an inordinate length of time and we often went years with no word from the police but they would always say her case was being investigated actively when they were questioned about the progress. In 2004 a new investigator was placed in charge of her case, my 3rd battlefront was established. The new investigator dated my sister at one point and we as a family felt there was a conflict of interest since there was a relationship between the victim and the investigator. Rumors had spread around town that he was possibly involved in her murder which added to the stress of this war. I am still in the trenches of this war 21 years and four months later, I continue in my fight for justice for my sister.

Today, I consider myself a battle scarred veteran of this 21 year war. The devastatingly sad part is that I am not alone; there are tens of thousands in my position. We suffer from battle fatigue from our individual wars. Our scars are not visible on the outside; but if you could see our souls, then the scars would be blatantly obvious. We walk around as wounded warriors and many walk past us with no awareness of our wounds. How do we survive? How do we survive this war? How do we find peace when there is no justice? Survivor battle fatigue can wear one out both physically and emotionally. It can manifest into physical ailments and a high percentage of survivors suffer from chronic illnesses. The psychological trauma often has the power to change thought patterns and beliefs as well as the increase of psychological disorders such as PTSD and a state of constant hyper vigilance.

There is no easy answer to these quandaries many survivors face. The trenches of this war are filled with perils and obstacles. The only way to really get through this war is one day at a time. You are going to have many bad days, but you will also have good days. Realizing you don’t have a lot of control at this point is difficult to face, but it is the reality. Adding to your battle wounds by beating yourself up over areas you cannot control is a common survivor problem. Letting go of things out of your control will help you manage emotions much easier and it will reduce stress on your mind and body. Nature can be an effective healer to the human spirit; immersing yourself in the tranquility of nature will allow your mind to rest some from the busy world around you and give you a moment of peace. Cherishing those brief moments of peace is beneficial to your soul because it keeps hope for longer periods of peace alive. Helping others can help rebuild that human connection and trust; it can even be small acts of kindness that help ease your mind.

There is no magic trick that will ever totally erase the pain you feel from the devastating loss you have experienced. It is truly a battle in which you have been forced to face, but peace is possible. You will never be the same person and you will have a new reality to live in, but building new bridges and connections are essential for survival. If you are having debilitating psychological issues years after the homicide, you may also need to seek a professional for help. It is not a sign of weakness to see a professional; it is a sign of strength. Time alone will not heal your wounds; it is what you do with that time that matters. Your life was changed forever on that date but you made it through the ordeal, you may be badly scarred, but you have survived. Abraham Lincoln once said: “I am not concerned that you have fallen; I am concerned that you arise.” Mustering the strength to rise can be monumental, but it is possible.

Todd J. Blumhorst, Advocate,
Assistant Volunteer Coordinator

Homicide Survivors Inc.
32 N. Stone Ave. #1408
Tucson, Az. 85701

520.740.5729
azhomicidesurvivors.org

Intense Attachments

photo by Robin Monroe 

By Sandra L. Brown, MA

Women in these relationships and their family members who watch her relationship dynamics all wonder **why** this dangerous guy is so hard to leave. While people around her have easy and rational answers about how and why she should leave, the disengagement and detachment process is harder with pathological persons than with anyone else.

No one knows this better than her. At the heart of the attachment is the intensity of bonding produced in a relationship that has an 'emotional vortex' pull. Much like magnets pointed towards each other, the draw and pull and staying power of pathologicals is not like other relationship dynamics. As we study these particular attachments we see that there are unusual qualities to the relationships that even the women can't define or adequately describe. These qualities includes the dichotomous thinking often seen in 'mind control,' the hypnotic engagement often seen in trauma, and the betrayal bonding often seen in sexual addiction. Combined, this power cocktail renders her not only entranced, but paralyzed from action.

Normal motivations do not motivate her:

·         not her current roller-coaster mental health

·         not her other family relationships

·         not her declining health

·         not her children

·         not her job

·         not any other force that would usually rally her to her own self care.

No wonder people who care about her are baffled that a high-functioning, bright, proactive woman has been reduced to a catatonic/hypnotized/brain washed version of her former self.

An hour a week at the counselor's office has done little to un-wedge her from this super-glued relationship. The sessions haven't recognized the hypnotic entrancement, the growing PTSD symptoms, or the cognitive loops and entrenched dichotomous thinking. They also haven't unveiled the death grip pathologicals can have on a squirming victim, or the mind control that sucks the willpower and brain function from her.

Physically and emotionally exhausted from too many 'go-rounds' with him, there isn't enough left of her to fight her way out or even think her way out. Many women now suffer from Chronic Fatigue from being worn down by the pathological. Without emotional resources and physical strength, her lethargy just 'allows' the relationship to roll like waves washing over the top of her. As the waves continue, her strength erodes away further. Without help or intervention, she is likely to have a complete physical breakdown including severe medical problems, sleep disruptions, mental confusion, panic attacks, anxiety, depression and more. Women have developed auto immune disease and cardiac problems in the middle of these acutely stressful relationships.

With all of their resources sapped and their concentration at a near-record low, many women have had to quit their jobs, have been fired, have been in car accidents or sporting injuries because of their inability to concentrate. Often the first step toward education is to have her inventory what her relationship with a pathological has cost her.

The disengagement process is a supported function often by counselors or The Institute in which education, acceptance of his diagnosis, self care re-initiation, symptom management and then the full recovery process is necessary. Some need short term programs that help them kick start their own recovery such as our retreats or intensives with Sandra.

Many of the women have PTSD now from the exposure to the pathological. PTSD worsens without treatment, with added stress, and with time. Somewhere she has to find the counseling resources in order to return her to a life she use to know before the pathological. This includes finding support people, support groups, counseling, specific focused books and audios on the subject, and if needed, retreat or residential programs. If this describes your current situation, get what you need to heal now--to minimize the effects of the growing PTSD and the intrusive and ping ponging thoughts. Most of all, you must first understand the intensity of attachment in order to break it. Our Healing the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships retreat is a great tool for loosening the pathologicals emotional death grip.

Why is this dangerous guy so hard to leave?

For more information about Sandra L. Brown, MA and the services of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education, refer to their website:  http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Redefining Rape

By Heidi Hiatt

Noel Coward once said that it is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit. This backward reaction is often true when men and women disclose sexual assault, especially in cases in which the circumstances of the assault do not meet the traditional definition of rape.

Our society has been conditioned to define rape narrowly, usually as a man forcing themselves upon a woman. But force is just one way of violating another human being, and both genders can be victims of rape. Fraud and coercion are two other major means of achieving power and control over another via sexual violation.

Unfortunately, defining rape as anything but an act of force is stereotyped as feminist or liberal thinking. Reality is that rape committed through fraud and coercion can cause most of the same traumatic effects as rape by force. We don’t need scientific proof of this; just ask someone who’s been through it. PTSD, for example, is alive and well in a wide range of rape victims.

Rape by fraud and coercion can carry an additional psychologically damaging element because victims may question how they could allow themselves to be duped and blame themselves for the violation. Victims can also suffer from lasting medical issues such as sexually transmitted diseases, some life-threatening, as a result. Pregnancies and financial difficulties can occur, and the victim’s ability to have or maintain future relationships can suffer horribly.

Many rape laws in this country were written years, even decades ago. The legal definition of rape in most states does not allow for the prosecution of anything but rape committed by force. Lawmakers frown warily upon expanding the definition of rape to include rape by fraud and/or coercion, afraid that they are opening up a can of worms. Prosecuting fraud and coercion cases may not be as concrete as force cases because of a potential lack of evidence.

In other papers and articles I’ve written, I’ve questioned the validity of narrow and archaic definitions of crimes against persons given the breadth and depth of evil in this world. In many stalking statutes, for example, I’ve questioned why fear is a necessary element of the crime when not all stalking victims feel afraid. Some are angry, some are annoyed. Why does the definition of stalking depend on the victim’s reaction rather than the suspect’s repeated intrusions upon their life?

Only within the past decade have legal definitions of stalking begun to catch up to the realities of what stalking is. Not long before stalking started to be taken seriously, domestic violence laws finally started to acknowledge what’s actually going on in our society. Now it’s time for rape laws to join the modern age. Why is force the most important factor in what constitutes a rape? What about consent? Is it more important that violence occurred, or is it more important that the victim did not give consent, or would not have given consent had they known the truth?

This is one of the arguments that legal minds become embroiled in when rape is discussed. Various rulings have said that despite the web of lies a perpetrator has spun before robbing a victim sexually, intercourse gained by fraud doesn’t equal rape. Never mind when the victim is thrown to the side of the road like garbage once the rapist is through with them, or the mental issues the realization that they have been taken advantage of has caused them.

Never mind the doctor bills, or the expensive prescriptions, or the children that they are left to care for on their own. They may be scarred for life once it occurs to them that they were lied to and used as a plaything, diversion, or resource, but none of that seems to matter if they were not knocked down in a dark alley and brutalized by a stranger. Most rapists are known to the victim, by the way, and many have committed rape by fraud and coercion multiple times.

Defining rape by force only is, in a word, ridiculous. It’s like saying that you’ve only been robbed if an attacker punches you in the face and takes your wallet from you. People can be deprived of their money and property by many other means. The criminals who rake in the most money don’t take it by force, but take it by fraud and coercion. They are smooth talking psychopaths who wheedle their way into victims’ lives and convince them that sharing of themselves is in their own best interest.

If we built our financial laws around the concept of force, then Billy the Kid would be a robber since he used guns and shot people, but Bernard Madoff would not (and yes, I realize that Madoff is technically called something different). Why then do we define rape this way? Is one’s bank account more important than their body? It is fraud if you are talked out of your retirement accounts but not out of your virginity? It is coercion if you sign over control of your assets under threat of harm but not if your sexual violator promises to tell your family things they don’t need to know if you refuse them? How does this make sense? How is this equitable?

For those opposed to the idea of including rape by coercion or fraud in a legal definition of rape, or those who see problems with prosecuting such cases, the concept should not be completely dismissed. Rape does happen this way and we can’t keep pretending it doesn’t. There are different degrees of rape now, and I see no reason that we can’t work rape by coercion and fraud into those various categories.

Perhaps you will not successfully prosecute such a rapist on a first degree charge, but could you convict them on a lesser charge? If our laws are modernized and reflect the experiences of all rape victims, couldn’t we start trying to achieve justice rather than sitting around wondering if it’s possible? Could juries be allowed to consider these cases as they come up rather than assuming no charges will stick? Could we start educating judges and lawmakers about fraud and coercion instead of allowing ancient statutes and stereotypes to dictate who gets away with rape?

Obviously the introduction of such education and laws should not be allowed to become a witch hunt. I’m also a firm believer that people need to take responsibility for their actions and to try to avoid situations in which they may be victimized. But there are many seasoned liars out there who prey upon good, successful, giving, and principled people in an effort to fill the bottomless voids inside themselves. They are drawn to people who possess attributes that they don’t, even though they create the illusion that they have much in common with the victim, including the same values.

Through their well-practiced magic routines of smoke and mirrors, they are able to bring victims to the point of sharing themselves body and soul. Then one day their mask slips, or they’re gone, or other partners are found out, and the magnitude of what has been taken from the victim dawns on them. Months later, they may learn just how heavy the baggage is they are holding as the medical, reproductive, psychological, and financial consequences are realized.

Right now, we let these con artists, both male and female, get away with it. We blame the victims, snidely offering such gems as “oh, they should have known better” or “how could they be so naïve?” We deny the power of evil and of the psychopathic mind when we guilt the victim for straying from God’s will rather than acknowledging just how off balance and confused they were kept by their rapist’s mind games. Instead of helping these victims back to a safe place with God and finding them justice, we abandon them to the trials their rapists created and dumped on the victims when they moved on to their next banquet.

Rapists need to be stopped regardless of their form, gender, or modus operandi. While our legal system may not be willing to put rape by fraud or coercion on par with rape by force, we should still make it illegal and provide meaningful consequences for it. Personally I would like the former to be taken just as seriously as the latter given the impact on victims, especially when there are lasting aftereffects as there often are.

It is a horrible, sinking feeling to realize that the person you trusted your whole self to is not who you thought they were, and you would not have gone so far—or allowed them to be part of your life at all—had you known the truth. It is a violation on every level of one’s being. It’s time for our legal system to step up and acknowledge all types of rape victims, as well as prosecute all three types of rapists. Right now some of the most seasoned perpetrators of sexual assault are free to harm victim after victim with no one to stop them, all because they’ve found a way to fly under the radar and achieve their conquests by a more covert means than force.


The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell. –Confucius

To read more of Heidi Hiatt's writings, please visit her personal blog:

Truth, Justice, and All-American Allergen-Free Apple Pie
Straight Talk in a Crooked World

Editor's note:  Here's the text of the actual bill. Here's the text of the new bill.  The blog, Chunky Monkey Mind has several resources listed as well as more information from news sources and other bloggers. This information is provided to give the reader more resources with which to develop their own opinions and in no way expresses the opinions of the author of the above post.

Listening to the Perps

By Barry Goldstein

At the same time the media fails and refuses to cover the crisis in the custody courts in which thousands of children’s lives are destroyed by the use of outdated, discredited and biased practices, the NY Model Batterer Program I work with is frequently invited for television shows and interviews with reporters if we would provide a “reformed” batterer. We always turn down these requests and explain that there is no way to know a batterer has truly changed and that in any event he would not be someone with the expertise to help their audience understand the issue. This is no problem for most journalists. They simply find a program with less ethics and a greater desire to appear on television.

I believe the idea comes from a common practice where former prisoners are asked to speak with at risk youngsters to tell them what a life of crime and time in jail is like. This can be an effective tool to provide that message because it is coming from people who once were where the young people are now. The same approach is often used in substance abuse programs. Those who have experienced life using drugs or excessive amounts of alcohol are perceived to understand the temptations and results better. These types of programs can be effective, but a mistake is made when people attempt to expand the program to offenses involving sexism, racism or other oppressions. For these issues, the experts are those in the marginalized groups and not the offenders who took advantage of the unearned advantages they enjoy in this society based on being a member of groups that are treated as if they are superior. One of the privileges members of advantaged groups receive is the ability to define so that men can define what is included in abuse and whites define what constitutes racism. An earned privilege is something earned through work such as a doctor allowed to perform surgery based on education and training in comparison to a man who has the privilege of walking anywhere without risk of sexual assault or having people pay more attention to what he says than they do to what women say which is an unearned privilege. Members of the dominant group are often oblivious to the privileges they receive.

A good, or perhaps I should say bad example of this common mistake occurred at Minnesota State University, Mankato last month. The school paid Adam Ritz $2500 to speak to the students about the dangers of drinking. The event was sponsored by the Residence Hall Association, a fraternity and Men Against Violence. The Women’s Center expressed its opposition to the presentation but was ignored by these organizations including Men Against Violence which claims to be an ally of the Women’s Center.

Adam Ritz is a former local media personality. He is also a convicted sex offender. He reveals this as part of his presentation, but only towards the end. Mr. Ritz came home and attempted to rape the young woman who was baby-sitting his children. He was convicted, but served only six months and is on the sex offender list for his crime. His presentation sparked a controversy on campus that has spread throughout the country. A Facebook page was created to protest the decision to invite him to the school. Rather than treating the student body with a modicum of respect and addressing these concerns Mr. Ritz and the organizers of the program made many mistakes and I would like to look at them in hopes they can be avoided in the future.

1. Take Leadership from Members of the Marginalized Group: Men are not the experts about rape, just as it would be foolish to look to the wealthy to learn about poverty or a heterosexual to learn about the risk of being outed. Men can go virtually anywhere they wish without worrying about being sexually assaulted. Women have to pay close attention to the behavior or men and carefully restrict their activities in order to reduce the risk of rape. Women and even young girls have to learn and pay attention to information needed for their safety and so become the experts. Accordingly when the Women’s Center objected to the program with Adam Ritz, the male organizations should have recognized the Women’s Center as the experts on campus and stopped the program. Even better they should have consulted with the Women’s Center before scheduling Adam Ritz. It is unsurprising that they didn’t because they were exercising their privilege. Maya Angelou, the poet, says when people show you who they really are, believe them.

2. Rapists are not Qualified to Speak about Addressing or Ending Sexual Abuse: The many egregious, inappropriate and downright hurtful statements made by Adam Ritz illustrates why it is a bad idea to have perpetrators of sexist or other crimes based upon oppression speak to these issues. Rape, like domestic violence, is committed because of a belief system of male entitlement and the common view that the value of women has to do with their appearance and sexual attractiveness instead of their intelligence, talent, hard work, character and so many other attributes that women possess. At most, Adam Ritz may have learned that there can be moderately negative consequences to him for sexually assaulting a young woman, but there is no indication that he understands the magnitude of the harm he caused and the wrongness of both his actions and his beliefs. Society tends to measure whether a sex abuser or domestic violence offender has reformed by determining if he has been arrested again. This is an ineffective approach to these crimes which have the lowest rates for reporting of any crimes. In other words, the fact he was not rearrested does not mean he has not committed further crimes. Furthermore domestic violence offenders may switch to legally sanctioned (as we live in a patriarchal misogynistic culture) domestic violence tactics and sexual abusers may continue to treat girls and women as if their main value is their appearance even if they do not commit further crimes. Accordingly the school should not use a rapist to discuss sexual abuse particularly when so many on campus object.

3. Substance Abuse does not Cause Rape: Substance abuse causes a lot of societal problems such as premature death, days missed from work, lowering the GNP and additional burdens on the health care system. Certainly colleges and universities are justified in creating programs to respond to a problem that causes absenteeism, undermines the academic work of students and too often results in deaths from drunk driving and binge drinking. That seems to be the genesis of this program, but the speaker attempted to use his excessive drinking as an abuse excuse for his attempt to rape the young woman who was watching his children. While alcohol can reduce inhibitions, it does not cause people to engage in activities they would otherwise never consider. This truth makes us aware that Ritz is an even bigger danger than people want to believe because he is inclined to rape. We know this because with inhibitions reduced this is what he tried to do. If this wasn’t already on his agenda he would not have committed sexual violence as alcohol does not a rapist make, though, some rapists turn to alcohol in an attempt to justify or minimize the violence and harm they commit If Mr.Ritz had a belief system that sexual activity is supposed to be mutually pleasurable and based upon consent his excessive consumption of alcohol would not have caused him to do something out of character. The same is true with domestic violence where many abusers mistakenly blame alcohol for their more serious assaults. Millions of people drink too much, but never abuse their partners or attempt to rape someone while under the influence. Men on and off campus often seek to encourage women they are with to drink alcohol in the hopes it will reduce their resistance to having sex with them. It is based on a belief system of men wishing to be able to do things to women often degrading, demoralizing or dehumanizing, instead of sharing mutually pleasurable and meaningful activities with women.

4. Sending the Message of Serious Consequences for Men who Sexually Assault Women: Adam Ritz could have put out a message that there are now serious consequences for men who abuse and mistreat women. That would have been a useful message because the fear of consequences to them might make men change their behavior even when they do not fully understand the harm they are causing. The message was profoundly undermined by the extremely mild sentence Mr. Ritz received. It was further undermined by his approach which was to minimize all his transgressions and instead focus on how much he had suffered and lost. His failure to acknowledge the tremendous harm he did to the young woman and others demonstrates his failure to understand the consequences of his actions and a complete lack of accountability for his crimes.

As men generally do not worry about being sexually assaulted it can be hard for them to understand the magnitude of the harm they cause. Our patriarchal culture structures privilege to shield men from the realities of the harm they cause. Newsweek ran an interesting article right after the 9-11 terrorist attack. They compared a variety of traumatic events in terms of what is most likely to cause Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder (PTSD). This is a horrible experience commonly caused by the worst possible experiences such as war, earthquakes, kidnappings, hurricanes and killing sprees. The reason they wrote the story at that time was because the type of event second most likely to cause PTSD was a terroristic attack. At that time the closest example we had was the Oklahoma City bombing. Significantly, the type of event most likely to cause PTSD was rape. It may be hard for a man to imagine being raped, but they can certainly imagine what it would be like to be in the middle of a terror attack as it is a subject about which the media always provides comprehensive coverage. My purpose is not to compare rape and a terror attack, but to consider that rape is even more likely to cause PTSD. That should help men understand the magnitude of the harm they cause when committing rape.

5. Men Must be Open to Questions and Challenges: The organizers promised that there would be an opportunity for questions and comments. This was an absolute necessity after a discussion of such an emotionally charged topic and particularly one led by someone with unearned privilege. The organizers appear to have never intended to provide a question and answer session and just announced there was no time for questions and abruptly ended the program. This permitted wrong and disturbing messages to remain to further support a rape culture. An ethical speaker would have wanted to hear what community members had to say in order to make sure he had not caused further pain. Apparently, Mr. Ritz continues to be concerned only with himself and his needs.

6. Focus on the Impact on Victims not Offenders: Many of the women in the audience were offended because Adam Ritz focused on the moderate consequences he brought on himself by his actions instead of concentrating on the severe harm he had caused his victim. Supposedly he was paid to speak because he had learned some lessons that he could share particularly with the men in the audience. Instead it is clear that he has not learned the right lessons because he continues to focus on what happened to him which was more than deserved instead of the horror he inflicted on the young woman he attacked who did nothing and could not possibly do anything to deserve what Mr. Ritz did to her. Mr. Ritz discussed his shameful behavior as if he was a victim rather than the perpetrator. Too often in this society, perpetrators of outrageous and offensive conduct say something like “mistakes were made” instead of accepting complete and total responsibility and acknowledging the harm he alone caused. While society encourages such meaningless insincere apologies with a boys will be boys mentality, Adam Ritz must share the blame for his unaccountable message.

7. Consider the Impact on the Audience: The rate of rape and sexual abuse on college campuses is frighteningly high. This means there was a good chance that victims of this crime could be expected to be in the audience. This is especially true because there was no warning in the publicity materials that the speaker was a rapist. The approach of Mr. Ritz in minimizing his responsibility and focusing on the legal sanctions and consequences to offenders rather than the harm they caused their victims was likely to be offensive to caring people who oppose misogynistic messages in society and support the work to end men’s violence against women. His deeply flawed presentation has the potential for severely harming survivors who had been victimized by other rapists. Again this is why it was so crucial to get feedback from the Women’s Center.

8. The Focus Should be on Changing Men’s Behavior: Most programs and approaches to preventing rape and sexual assault are based on changing women’s behavior, and hence collude with rather than meaningfully address the rape culture. Certainly there are many actions women can take to reduce their risk and these can sometimes be useful responses, but the danger is that it promotes the blame-the-victim approaches that predominate as responses to sexual assault. Better approaches would involve holding men accountable for their own actions and putting the responsibility to prevent rape on men where it belongs. Only rapists can stop rape and to think otherwise is to accept the premise that men are entitled to rape if they can get away with it. This is exactly what Adam Ritz, still clinging to his privilege, refused to do and more importantly what the school failed to do when they selected such an inappropriate speaker.

What Can Colleges Do to Prevent Rape on Campus?

1. Hold Offenders Accountable: Schools should make it clear that there will be zero tolerance for sexual assault. Lesser offenses like harassment or verbal abuse must be treated seriously. Athletes should be warned that charges of sexual assault will result in suspension from the team and confirmed findings will result in removal from the team. When any charges are pending the alleged offender should have no access to the alleged victim even if he has to change classes. The strongest deterrent will occur when men see other men punished for behaviors they had always thought were no big deal. This is exactly what American Colleges and Universities fail to do when they impose gag orders or even expel survivors, fail to make required reports of sexual assaults and protect student, faculty and staff rapists.

2. Train Staff: Students tend to pay more attention to what they observe than what they are told. Therefore it is important for colleges to train staff about domestic violence and sexual assault. They need to know more than what the rules are and how to enforce them. Teachers and administrators need to set an example for treating women in a respectful manner. Sexist jokes and comments should be avoided and sexual harassment rules strictly enforced. Placing women in positions of authority sends a strong message about the value of women.

3. Consult Women’s Organizations: When colleges develop policy, practices and particularly programs aimed at preventing sexual assaults, the administration should consult with Women’s organizations with an interest in the issue. This will give administrators a viewpoint that will help them understand what coeds are facing on campus and what they think could help them.

4. Men Must Earn Ally Status: Men have an important role to play in ending men’s mistreatment of women. We certainly want men to become actively involved and to support women, thus creating a healthier humanity. At the same time the men must avoid thinking they have all the knowledge and that they can take the lead on this issue. I belong to the National Organization for Men Against Sexism (NOMAS). We aspire to be considered allies of women and organizations working on behalf of women. It is not up to us, however to proclaim ourselves allies, but to listen to the women and hope they will consider us allies.

Conclusion

Adam Ritz, without taking the time to earn the trust of women and without understanding the issues he speaks about, took it upon himself to create a for-profit business where he would be paid large sums of money to speak about very sensitive subjects that he is unqualified to address. In doing so, he caused tremendous harm and subjected himself to much deserved criticism. I also often speak when asked on behalf of women and for such organizations as the Battered Mothers Custody Conference and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. The difference is that I worked a long time on these issues and earned the trust of the women who are leaders in these organizations. I learned the importance of taking direction from women which I must admit was not always easy because it is so different from what men learn in this society. Unlike Adam Ritz, women leaders asked me to speak on their behalf and I continue to listen to their feedback in order to be accountable to the women in the movement. Adam Ritz was never part of the movement so speaks for profit and to minimize his responsibility for his crimes instead of encouraging men to stop acting on their sexism and male superiority. Men in the movement to end men’s violence against women often receive undeserved praise for doing what ought to be normal. As long as men’s mistreatment of women is the norm, men have substantial unearned advantages over women and a substantial portion of the population provide misplaced sympathy for rapists like Adam Ritz because he spent six months in jail for his attempt to rape a young woman in his home, while minimizing the lifetime of pain, fear and trauma suffered by survivors of Adam Ritz and other rapists, it will be important for men to listen to women and be open to the idea that a lot of our beliefs must change.

I wish to acknowledge and thank Genevieve Brackins for her assistance in preparing this article.



Barry Goldstein is a nationally recognized domestic violence expert, speaker, writer and consultant. He is the co-editor with Mo Therese Hannah of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY. Barry can be reached by email at their web site www.Domesticviolenceabuseandchildcustody.com

Real Weapons of Mass Destruction

By Lavinia Masters

As a young girl in school I was always taught that a weapon of mass destruction is a weapon that can kill and bring significant harm to a large number of humans (and other life forms) and/or cause great damage to man-made structures (e.g. buildings), natural structures (e.g. mountains), or the biosphere in general. In other words this weapon has the capacity to inflict death and destruction indiscriminately and on a massive scale. However the scope and application of the term has evolved and been disputed, often signifying more politically than technically.

Today I challenge what politics and society consider weapons of mass destruction because in this life I have come to discover a mass of weapons and evil devices that not only destroy the human being but these weapons destroy the human spirit. The weapons that I speak of all leave a devastating and long lasting negative effect on the victims yet they are weapons that seem to not be prioritized by politicians and society today when it comes to seeking and destroying them.

The weapons that I speak of also carry the capacity to inflict death and destruction indiscriminately and on a massive scale and they are sexual abuse/assault, domestic violence, stalking, human trafficking and missing and exploited children. These indeed are all the real weapons of mass destruction. These are heinous and horrendous crimes that happen to the young and old, rich or poor, black or white, male or female. These weapons not only destroy the individual lives and their way of living but they also destroy their families, friends, loved ones and their communities.

Did you know that the impact of sexual abuse on children can be devastating and long-lasting because children are generally victimized by someone they should be able to trust and depend on, they may not realize that the abuse is wrong and not their fault? Even after much time has passed, the effects of sexual abuse are powerful and it has been found that the long-term effects of maltreatment to include poor self-esteem, difficulty trusting others, anxiety, feelings of isolation and stigma, depression, self-destructive tendencies, sexual maladjustment, and substance abuse. In addition to these effects, a survivor of sexual abuse/ assault may develop Rape-related Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (RR-PTSD) and have possible physiological effects such as hyper vigilance (always being "on your guard"), insomnia, exaggerated startle response (jumpiness) ,panic attacks ,eating problems/disorders, self-mutilation (cutting, burning or otherwise hurting oneself),Sexual dysfunction (not being able to perform sexual acts) and hyper arousal (exaggerated feelings/responses to stimuli).

Then there is domestic violence which is the single major cause of injury to women, more significant than auto accidents, rapes, or muggings. In fact, the emotional and psychological abuse inflicted by batterers may be more costly to treat in the short-run than physical injury. Many of the physical injuries sustained by women seem to cause medical difficulties as women grow older and to add insult to injury battered women lose their jobs because of absenteeism due to illness as a result of the violence. Although the long term effects of domestic violence have not begun to be fully documented battered women suffer physical and mental problems as a result of domestic violence. Then it’s sad how survivors of domestic violence seem to often lose family and friends as a result of the battering. Generally because first, the batterer isolates them from family and friends then second, they become embarrassed by the abuse inflicted upon them and withdraw from support persons to avoid embarrassment.

Then there is a weapon that sometimes attacks us all and some are still unaware that they are indeed or have been a victim and that is the weapon of stalking; which is the crime of harassing somebody with persistent, inappropriate, and unwanted attention. Rokkers wrote, "Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwontedly, and disruptively breaks into the life-world of the victim, with whom they have no relationship (or no longer have)." For the most part, the separate acts that make up the intrusion cannot by themselves cause the mental abuse, but taken together they do, as there is a cumulative effect. Stalking leaves a victim unsure or living in the fear of what would happen to them next or afraid that the behavior would not stop not to mention that their stalker would not only cause bodily harm to them but their child or other family member.

Now on the other hand the weapon of human trafficking does not only affect victims, it takes a toll on the child or children of the victim. Many a times, victims strive to survive, even when they do not know the way out to protect their children. Virtually every country in the world is affected by human trafficking, either as a country of origin, transit or destination for victims. Due to the nature of trafficking there are three constituent elements that make up human trafficking, firstly the act; the recruitment, transportation, transfer, harboring or receipt of persons, the means; threat or use of force, coercion, abduction, fraud and abuse of power and the purpose; for the purpose of exploitation, which includes exploiting the prostitution of others, sexual exploitation, forced labor, slavery or similar practices and the removal of organs. One alarming fact about this weapon is that women constitute the largest proportion of trafficked persons and with over half of trafficked victims being women they are the ones forced into sexual slavery and prostitution. The mass of trafficking victims are between 18-24 years of age, with also an estimated 1.2 million children trafficked yearly.

Then the last weapon I want you to consider destroys on such a massive level that it was one of my worst nightmares when I had my son; this weapon attacks like a thief in the night and that is the weapon of missing children. When a child is kidnapped or abducted, he/she is put into captivity against their will. When a person who was missing as a result of abduction is found, they can have adverse psychological effects. Abduction is a very traumatic experience in which the victim has suffered through an emotional and physical ordeal. The experience can be so traumatic it will take time and possibly professional help to assist in coping with it. The sad part about this weapon is that some children are never found and some children when they are found are no longer alive.

So I ask you how can we sit idly by and let these weapons of mass destruction continue to destroy our lives, our families, communities and the world without trying to find a solution. How do we consciously continue to say we love our children, communities and country when we are found lacking in the support of fighting against these heinous crimes? What do our children learn when they see us take the “backseat” to making changes in the laws or legislation when it comes to addressing that we as a society find an end to the real weapons of mass destruction.

You see school may have taught me a lot on how the way things should be defined but life has shown me how life really is. These weapons of mass destruction have been launched all over the world and they are subtly stealing, killing and destroying our world. I ask, are you prepared to fight in this battle…you should be because no one is exempt.

Put the Weight On!

By Heidi Hiatt

On August 29th, 2010, millions of viewers witnessed the HBO film Temple Grandin win seven Emmy awards. Until then, many people didn’t know who Dr. Temple Grandin is.

Grandin has autism, and is probably the best known advocate for those with this developmental disability. She is also a renowned animal scientist, known for her ability to see the world from an animal’s point of view. I’ve followed her work for years and appreciate that she prompts people to think about life from an animal’s perspective.

As someone who could not stand to be touched, even hugged, as a child, she was intrigued when one day she saw a steer in a squeeze chute, a device used to restrict its motion so the veterinarian could work on it. She noticed how the steer relaxed when the pressure was applied.

Grandin decided to try the device for herself, and went on to build one of her own. Now squeeze machines are used all over as therapy for autistic children as well as trauma survivors and others. This deep pressure stimulation has taken other forms as well, including weighted vests and weighted blankets.

No one has to be convinced of the benefits of deep pressure; most of us enjoy a good massage. Such pressure is profoundly relaxing, and we pay big bucks to enjoy those sensations at spas and from massage therapists. We seek out massages from our spouses and partners, reveling in the touch after a long day at work. Pets know; they LOVE massages.

Survivors of rape, incest, sexual abuse, and domestic violence sometimes can’t handle being touched by others, especially those of the opposite sex. This can also be true of people who have been cheated on, used, betrayed, or abandoned. Their trust in others has been shattered, and even though they crave love, touch, and companionship, it can be traumatic to actually let someone else touch them.

These crimes and boundary violations are frequently accompanied by lasting challenges like PTSD, which can leave your nerves on edge for years. Achieving a good night’s sleep or a period of complete relaxation can be impossible when your body, mind, and soul is silently screaming in the aftermath of a traumatic event. Even if the anguish you have suffered did not include physical abuse, the hell your heart and mind have gone through can manifest physically.

Occupational therapist Karen Moore is an expert on a condition called sensory defensiveness that can happen to abuse and trauma survivors. She has an informative article about this posted athttp://www.sensoryconnectionprogram.com/sensory_defensiveness.pdf. The following excerpt from Moore’s article gives a description of what sensory defensiveness is:

Wilbarger & Wilbarger (1995) define sensory defensiveness as adverse or defensive reactions to non-noxious stimuli. They theorize that genetic disposition as well as physical trauma to the body (e.g. stressful birth, accidental injury, physical abuse) can set off this condition of sensory distortion. Lack of inhibition of sensory input, they believe underlies defensive reactions. Symptoms vary widely and include withdrawal from touch, discomfort from certain clothes, over reaction to sounds, dislike of foods with mixed textures, exaggerated personal space, increased startle reflex, and dislike of complex visual stimuli such as fast moving objects or colors.

People with a history of physical or sexual abuse, torture, institutionalization, sensory deprivation, or a traumatic injury, have about an 80% chance of developing sensory defensiveness. Therefore, statistics alone tell us that we encounter clients with this problem regularly in psychiatric care and especially in clients with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Symptoms of sensory defensiveness are also very common in patients with Developmental Disorders (Hanschu, 1995; Wilbarger & Wilbarger, 1995).

Deep pressure stimulation is one way of treating sensory defensiveness. If you can identify with this condition, take out a piece of paper and pen and make a list of what you do to make yourself comfortable nowadays. Trust me, the list will flow.

You may do the “human burrito” thing, where you roll yourself up in blankets. You may find that you are more relaxed when kids, cats, or dogs are sitting on you. When you get home from work, you can’t wait to change into particular cotton clothes or soft socks. You might find it very relaxing to hold a pillow or put a hot water bottle on your legs.

You may also find certain things outside of the home very relaxing, like having your blood pressure taken or wearing a lead vest at the dentist’s office when you have x-rays. You may like setting your purse on your lap when you drive. Even the mild restraint a seatbelt offers can bring relief, odd as it sounds. If you can handle being touched by someone else, a strong hug may do wonders for you.

When I first heard of sensory defensiveness, which to me is a very logical response when bad and unjust things happen to you, I contacted a friend with fibromyalgia who helped me make a list of the ways people manage through deep pressure. We were amazed at how quickly the list was written and realized why weighted blankets are becoming so popular.

Weighted blankets are a wonderful stress-reduction option for people with sensory defensiveness, food allergies, insomnia, PTSD, restless legs, dementia, autism, and other conditions because you can use them at home. They generally look like a comforter, and aren’t any warmer than one, but are filled with materials like soft plastic beads to add weight. The weight provides a deep pressure “touch” that allows the user to relax.

A quick Google search will reveal a number of companies that make weighted blankets, and they are often custom-made for the home user in varying sizes, weights, and fabrics. Some adults use 20 pound king-sized blankets, while children may use much lighter twin-sized ones. Some companies make small, square “lap cozies” or throw blankets that are nice for just having on you while you’re sitting.

You might want to consult with your doctor before using a weighted blanket, or having your child use one. I do not know if they’re safe to use with babies or toddlers; until someone convinces me otherwise, I would strongly advise against it. These also aren’t supposed to be used as discipline tools, but as comforts.

If you buy a weighted blanket, be sure to buy a blanket with proper filler material that can be cleaned in a washing machine. Rocks, metals, sand, organic material, and glass should not be used as filler for obvious safety and sanitation reasons. The fabric of the blanket should be one that you find soothing; oftentimes people with sensory defensiveness can’t stand certain fabrics rubbing against their skin.

Unfortunately, these blankets aren’t cheap, so if you find a ridiculously good deal on one as you’re comparison shopping, be suspicious. Be sure of what you’re buying before you hit the “checkout” button. A reputable company should be able to provide all relevant product information up front, or quickly upon request.

I realize that many people who have suffered trauma and abuse have limited financial means, another unfair consequence of what they’ve survived. On that note, it would be nice to see charities and activists donating such blankets and lap cozies to shelters and survivors. I, for one, am convinced of the therapeutic benefits of weighted blankets, and users don’t have to go to a therapist or doctor to experience their benefits.

While Temple Grandin is just one of the researchers who has identified and promoted deep pressure stimulation, she has played a huge role in its proliferation. I’m thankful that she and others like her have made this product mainstream. I hope that more doctors, advocates, activists, psychologists, counselors, and psychiatrists become familiar with weighted blankets and utilize them more regularly.

When you’ve endured the trauma and pain of personal boundary violations, all violations from emotional abuse to extreme physical and sexual violence can carry a residual physical component. Trauma in any form can change your physical well-being in drastic ways.

To aid in your healing process, and to be able to unwind, consider one of these flat, bean bag-like blankets. It’s a simple but effective idea that could have millions of people breathing easier, or even sleeping through the night, for the first time in a long time.

Life breaks us all … but many are made strong at the broken places.
-Ernest Hemingway