Intense Attachments

photo by Robin Monroe 

By Sandra L. Brown, MA

Women in these relationships and their family members who watch her relationship dynamics all wonder **why** this dangerous guy is so hard to leave. While people around her have easy and rational answers about how and why she should leave, the disengagement and detachment process is harder with pathological persons than with anyone else.

No one knows this better than her. At the heart of the attachment is the intensity of bonding produced in a relationship that has an 'emotional vortex' pull. Much like magnets pointed towards each other, the draw and pull and staying power of pathologicals is not like other relationship dynamics. As we study these particular attachments we see that there are unusual qualities to the relationships that even the women can't define or adequately describe. These qualities includes the dichotomous thinking often seen in 'mind control,' the hypnotic engagement often seen in trauma, and the betrayal bonding often seen in sexual addiction. Combined, this power cocktail renders her not only entranced, but paralyzed from action.

Normal motivations do not motivate her:

·         not her current roller-coaster mental health

·         not her other family relationships

·         not her declining health

·         not her children

·         not her job

·         not any other force that would usually rally her to her own self care.

No wonder people who care about her are baffled that a high-functioning, bright, proactive woman has been reduced to a catatonic/hypnotized/brain washed version of her former self.

An hour a week at the counselor's office has done little to un-wedge her from this super-glued relationship. The sessions haven't recognized the hypnotic entrancement, the growing PTSD symptoms, or the cognitive loops and entrenched dichotomous thinking. They also haven't unveiled the death grip pathologicals can have on a squirming victim, or the mind control that sucks the willpower and brain function from her.

Physically and emotionally exhausted from too many 'go-rounds' with him, there isn't enough left of her to fight her way out or even think her way out. Many women now suffer from Chronic Fatigue from being worn down by the pathological. Without emotional resources and physical strength, her lethargy just 'allows' the relationship to roll like waves washing over the top of her. As the waves continue, her strength erodes away further. Without help or intervention, she is likely to have a complete physical breakdown including severe medical problems, sleep disruptions, mental confusion, panic attacks, anxiety, depression and more. Women have developed auto immune disease and cardiac problems in the middle of these acutely stressful relationships.

With all of their resources sapped and their concentration at a near-record low, many women have had to quit their jobs, have been fired, have been in car accidents or sporting injuries because of their inability to concentrate. Often the first step toward education is to have her inventory what her relationship with a pathological has cost her.

The disengagement process is a supported function often by counselors or The Institute in which education, acceptance of his diagnosis, self care re-initiation, symptom management and then the full recovery process is necessary. Some need short term programs that help them kick start their own recovery such as our retreats or intensives with Sandra.

Many of the women have PTSD now from the exposure to the pathological. PTSD worsens without treatment, with added stress, and with time. Somewhere she has to find the counseling resources in order to return her to a life she use to know before the pathological. This includes finding support people, support groups, counseling, specific focused books and audios on the subject, and if needed, retreat or residential programs. If this describes your current situation, get what you need to heal now--to minimize the effects of the growing PTSD and the intrusive and ping ponging thoughts. Most of all, you must first understand the intensity of attachment in order to break it. Our Healing the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships retreat is a great tool for loosening the pathologicals emotional death grip.

Why is this dangerous guy so hard to leave?

For more information about Sandra L. Brown, MA and the services of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education, refer to their website:  http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Am I Responsible for How He Acts?

By Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

One of the most frequently asked questions in pathological relationship counseling is "Did I make the person behave like this?" The clients often believe they bring out 'the worst in him' or so the pathological wants them to believe. The pathological likes to label his own acting out, cheating or other inappropriate behavior as someone else's fault. This is called projecting. One of the characteristics of a number of permanent personality disorders is the trait that they don't take responsibility for their own behavior. They have a victim mentality and blame others and the world for their shortcomings and ultimately, their bad behavior. Normal people 'own' their own behavior; pathological people project it onto others.

By the time the client comes to counseling from the aftermath of effects from the relationship, she believes the relationship, its problems and its demise were all her fault. She believes the pathological's propaganda and has a lot of remorse, guilt, and self depreciating thoughts about herself that 'if she only acted differently then so would he' and the relationship would be on better footing.

Let me ask you this...."If he had a brain tumor, would you feel responsible that his body produced a brain tumor? Would that be your responsibility?"  I doubt it. People do feel bad that someone else got a brain tumor, but they don't feel 'responsible' or 'to blame' because someone got a brain tumor.

The often shocking aspects of Cluster B personality disorders are that what is driving their behavior is not a brain tumor but it is a brain disorder---in many, many forms. We expect that a brain disorder would be 'noticeable' to others. It is--in time. By the time the relationship ends, you DO know that there are behavior problems; you just don't know how, why, or where they are generated.  Cluster B personality disorders carry with them an astounding array of problems stemming from the brain and their own neurology.  These problems drive the pathological's impulsive, out of control behavior and distorted thinking processes.

Even a decade ago, we didn't have the information we have today about the wide-reaching neuro problems associated with pathology and personality disorders. While for many years we may have 'suspected' a very physical reason for the behavior--the pathological lying, spending, cheating, violence, addiction, and other behavioral problems-we didn't have the concrete knowledge now generated from neuroscience, neurobiology, brain imaging, and other brain studies.

Here is a tiny snippet of the kinds of information being generated about brain dysfunction in personality disorders. This in no way covers all of it--but it gives us some place to begin looking at it as being as much a medical brain syndrome as it is a psychological syndrome.

• · Genomics--molecular building blocks of DNA affected by pathology.
• · Proteomics--location, interactions, structure, and proteins affected by pathology.
• · Neurotransmitters affected.
• · Hippocampus--part of the brain that is related to impulsivity affected by pathology.
• · Amygdala--part of the brain that is related to impulsivity affected by pathology.
• · Neuroinformatics -A library data base about thousands of different brains and what is unusual about them including pathological brains.
• · Cellular signaling show involvement of genetics in pathology.
• · Low levels of brain enzymes are related to violence.
• · Genes on certain chromosomes create schizophrenia, bipolar, etc. New research wants to find out if it contributes to pathology.
• · Genetic vulnerability causes significant differences in neurological development in children with psychopathic tendencies.
• · The number of copies of different genes has already been linked with a variety of medical conditions and the expectation is that these copy number variants will be very significant in personality disorder research.
• · A complex array of varying genes underlies the many different outward manifestations of personality disorders which can be seen in early childhood despite a loving and stress free environment.
• · Stressful/abusive environments can push a milder case of personality disorders into a full blown active personality disorder.
• · Phenotype images the size and shapes of brain organs related to personality disorders.
• · Serotonin reception 5-HT plays a role in controlling offensive aggression (or not!)
• · The lack of transporter molecules predisposes people towards impulsivity, emotional instability, etc.
• · Polygeny (a single trait that can affect many genes) seems to underlie personality disorders.
• · Those who metabolize dopamine faster are at higher risks for anti social behavior.
• · An enzyme that helps break down dopamine and serotonin are linked to impulsive and aggressive behavior, substance abuse, criminal behavior.
• · MAO-A gene is linked to Cluster B personality disorders.
• · Neural circuitry problems are related to trouble with reinforcement learning so they are not likely to learn from punishment, also related to impulse violence.
• · TPH brain enzyme is related to behavioral problems associated with anti social behavior.
• · MRI imaging shows that areas of the brain related to excitability respond differently in psychopaths.
• · Certain words cause psychopaths to respond differently than normal people (blood, sewer, hell, rape, etc.)
• · Some parts of the brain show higher activity in psychopaths, some areas lower activity in psychopaths.
• · Weak limbic regions of the brain in psychopaths cause them to grapple with emotional language.
• · Corpus callosum is different in psychopaths so they process information between brain hemispheres differently which effects interpersonal skills and low reactions to stress, high reactions to aggression and unregulated behavior.
• · The amygdala in psychopaths have less reaction to fight-flight responses This causes psychopaths to feel restless, spurring them on to raising hell just for the excitement value.
• · Slower neural reactions are related to their lack of fear which is also genetically based.
• · Lack of fear throttles the development of the conscience.
• · Orbito-frontal portion of the brain causes psychopaths to have trouble organizing their behavior, reduces their ability to control their impulses and the ability to learn from punishment.
• · Difficulty with abstract meanings like the word 'justice' generated from right brain quadrant, also problems with nonverbal cues related to emotions.
• · Dorso-lateral Prefrontal Cortex affects some personality disorders ability to think logically and rationally.
• · The anterior cingulate cortex affects some personality disorders ability to focus on something they don't wish to hear thus being able to block what they want to hear, it also produces (or doesn't) the feelings of empathy.
• · The limbic system which is affected in some personality disorders negatively influences their ability to regulate their emotions through emotional reasoning.
• · The hippocampus is affected in some personality disorders which negatively impacts the emotional response system.
• · Hyperactive amygdalae cause intense and slowly subsiding emotions when they suffer even just a minor irritation. This can cause an overreaction to a minor constructive criticism.
• · Lowered serotonin levels in the brain affects increased impulsivity.
• · Smaller size of right parietal lobe in some personality disorders.

Yeah, I know--that's a lot of science to wade through but maybe you get the point: you didn't break him and you can't fix him. This fascinating decade of science has answered so many questions for so many---people who can let go of the guilt and fantasy that what's wrong with him is merely 'willful behavior' or 'a bad attitude' or 'needs more counseling.'  Personality disordered brains are different in their genetic makeup, chemistry, circuitry, regional brain development, neurobiology...and the list goes on. In fact, we are realizing so much of the brain is affected---in borderline personality disorder, in anti-social, in psychopathy--so much of Cluster B is traced now to significant brain impairment. (For more information read the book 'Evil Genes' available on our website).

For many years I have been teaching the Three Inabilities related to pathology:

1. The inability to grow to any great emotional depth
2. The inability to consistently sustain positive change
3. The inability to develop insight about how their behavior affects others.

I developed these inabilities from 20 years in the field of providing services to the personality disordered. Although I suspected there was hard-wiring and hard science behind it, it wasn't until recently that I was finally able to find out why the Three Inabilities are actually correct and why they don't sustain positive change. It's not because they want to screw with your head....it's because of their head.

You didn't produce anything--you're so influential that you can setup his genetic patterns.  Sorry--you're not strong enough to 'will' his amygdala to change. Bad news here--you are not gonna 'love' his limbic region into correct functioning. And hate to break the news that all the 'Law of Attraction' books in the world aren't gonna get his brain chemistry to be normal.

And you might as well cancel the relationship counseling because being tolerant it isn't gonna change the size and function of various brain regions. Stopping nagging or trying the relationship 'just one more time' isn't going to alter his brain enzymes and neurotransmitters.  Even Batterer Intervention groups aren't gonna change his corpus callosum and make it less aggressive.

He doesn't have a brain tumor that you are responsible for 'giving him.' He does have a brain disorder. You aren't responsible for that either--how his brain did and did not form. In the medical world, we seem to accept some disorders much more easily, like Cystic Fibrosis or Mental Retardation. With these disorders, you can often see visible symptoms. In pathology, you also see symptoms over time.  The difference is that the symptoms are visible not through external medical conditions but through relationships. We find the symptoms of psycho-pathology related to brain dysfunction right in the middle of your relationship.

Sandra L. Brown, M.A. is the Founder of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education.  Visit her site for information about services and products:  http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com