Losing Cherish- And a Guide to Teaching Our Kids to be Safe

by Anita Davis Sullivan 

Saturday, June 22nd, I think you could hear our corner of Florida wail. It wasn’t the first time that something tragic has happened, but it was fresh and raw. Many of awoke that Saturday morning to reports of the abduction of 8 year old Cherish Perrywinkle the previous night. Shortly after, we learned that Donald Smith, the prime suspect, had been arrested during a traffic stop, with no sign of Cherish. And a very short time later, we learned that the body of 8 year old Cherish had been found, near the Walmart she was abducted from.

Within moments, there were questions. Why had the mother allowed the child to go with a man they had known for just a few hours? Why had the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office not alerted the public sooner that there was a child abduction? Why did the FDLE not notify the Center for Missing and Exploited Children, which would have prompted the phone alerts for the Amber Alert?  Why had Donald Smith seemingly fallen through the cracks and not been treated as a Sexually Violent Predator as recommended by the Department of Children and Families 11 years ago?

I don’t know. No one has the answers yet.

And though I pray they come, and that other children may be saved by what our community learns through this tragic event, my focus quickly turned to how we can help those here now. I heard from parents who sat and talked with their children about ‘Stranger Danger’ or watched them ever closer this weekend. I heard from one mother who had the heartbreaking job of telling her 8 year old daughter that her good friend Cherish was forever gone.

And though we must teach our children, I fear that we teach them the wrong things too often. The real danger is not in strangers- even Cherish was taken and killed by someone who gained her mother’s trust, albeit in a few short hours. But it’s estimated that less than 5% of attacks on children are by a stranger.

We must focus on teaching our children what is appropriate behavior, and how to trust their instincts.

June 26, 2013 marks the six year anniversary of the day that my brother, Michael “Austin” Davis went missing from Jacksonville, Florida. He was an adult, and most likely wasn’t abducted. But from this experience sometimes comes a need to protect my children even more. To make sure that our family doesn’t lose another. So I do teach them, not to be afraid, but to:

• Know what kind of touching is appropriate and inappropriate, and that it’s okay to say “No!” and get away from anything that makes them uncomfortable. 
• Know who we consider safe grownups are. These are the people in our circle that they should be able to trust. But always reminding them, that it’s okay to say “No!” to even these people if they’re uncomfortable. 
• Know that they never have to protect us. If someone threatens us if they don’t do what the person says, they don’t have to do it. 
• Get permission to go anywhere, and stay in groups. 
• Never help an adult without our permission. It can be a trick. 

In six years of missing my brother, we’ve also had to deal with the question of how much to tell our oldest, who celebrated his 4th birthday just two days before his Uncle Austin went missing. No matter if it’s a lost family member or a lost friend, children grieve and need help doing so. 

 Here are my tips on helping your child through a time of loss:

• Let them see your emotions. 
• It’s okay for them to know you’re sad, as it let’s them know it’s okay for them to be sad too. 
• Encourage them to share memories of their loved one. 
• Create a scrapbook or box of memories that they can look through and remember their loved one. Allow them to participate in adding to it. For example, my son has a great memory of my brother taking him fishing. I’d forgotten about it, but he hasn’t. 
• Communicate with caregivers. 
• Let teachers or caregivers know that your child may experience out of the norm behaviors as they cope with this. Let your child know they can talk to these adults in their lives about what they’re feeling. 
• Share stories with your kids. 
• Tell stories about the lost loved one as your kids grow, reminding them how much the person loved them, or would have loved seeing them grow. Keep them alive in the heart of the family, giving your kids a feeling of roots and love. My sons have limited family in their lives, but I always want them to know the love of family. 
• Be honest on a level they can understand. 
• When my brother was first missing, we didn’t know what to tell our son. We didn’t want to lie, but we don’t really know the truth. We don’t know where he is. We’ve come to realize that it’s okay to say “we don’t know but we won’t give up until we do” and keep the brutal details from him (like that we believe he killed himself). As he’s gotten older, we’ve added more details but always the truth as he could understand and cope with it. 

There are no simple answers on how to keep your kids safe, or how to help them through a loss like this. Just as there are no easy answers on why this tragedy happened.

But on this anniversary of my brother’s disappearance, I do know that I can help educate parents, who truly just want to keep their kids safe.

Rest in peace Cherish. You will not be forgotten.

Anita Sullivan is the sister of a missing person, and long time advocate of victims, even before having a personal connection to the world of lost. During college,Anita found a passion for helping others and was involved in a variety of ministries. She then started a career in non-profit, first working with victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. She went on to work with at risk families through a supervised visitation program before spending several years in fundraising and advocacy. She now tries to reach people with a message of Hope through writing and speaking, while honoring her brother, Michael "Austin" Davis, who has been missing since 2007. To learn more about Anita, visit her at http://anitadavissullivan.com

Stop Growing Boys into Monsters

by Anita Sullivan

A case in Ohio has recently shaken a town to its core, after the guilty verdicts of two high school football players for rape and for spreading nude photos of the underage victim.

But it obviously hasn’t been shaken enough.

Throughout the trial and evidence presented, it was very clear that these boys were not taught right from wrong at the most basic human level. Up until their arrests they truly believed that they were untouchable, and they came very close to being right. The school, town, and even their parents, allowed and encouraged behaviors that could have no positive outcomes. Until the end, those involved seem to believe that the mistake was in being caught, not in the terrible acts themselves.

Sadly, that alone doesn’t shock me.

What does surprise and sadden me is the arrest of two girls for making public threats to the victim, after the verdict.

After everything that came to light, there is still not as much outrage at the rapists as there is at the victim, in that town anyway. There is still the “she deserved it” or “she’s ruining their lives” mentality. And not just by their parents who love them, or their coaches who “need” them as athletes, but by girls who could very well be the victims.

One of the most enlightening testimonies to the way of thinking in the town was by a friend of the convicted, who wouldn’t allow him to drive drunk. He had been taught to protect his friend from that danger, and did. But when he later saw that friend violating a girl, he did nothing. He didn’t see that it could also ruin lives. Somewhere along the line, his parents and community leaders failed.

The investigation isn’t over, and there are potentially more arrests to come, of those who knew about and covered up the acts. I pray that the town is shaken so profoundly, that they don’t just clean up their act over the possibility of prosecution, but because of human decency and an understanding that our girls are worth so much more. And so are our boys. Our boys deserve to be raised with higher standards and guidelines that prepare them for a life lived well. These boys ultimately made the decisions that deeply impacted a girl and a community, but this community now has a chance to stop growing boys into monsters. I pray they accept the challenge.

Articles:

Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/18/steubenville-rape-case-twitter-threats_n_2904463.html)

Reuters (http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/03/17/us-usa-crime-ohio-idUSBRE92E0ZS20130317)

Anita Sullivan is the sister of a missing person, and long time advocate of victims, even before having a personal connection to the world of lost. During college,Anita found a passion for helping others and was involved in a variety of ministries. She then started a career in non-profit, first working with victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. She went on to work with at risk families through a supervised visitation program before spending several years in fundraising and advocacy. She now tries to reach people with a message of Hope through writing and speaking, while honoring her brother, Michael "Austin" Davis, who has been missing since 2007. To learn more about Anita, visit her at losingaustin.blogspot.com.

A New Year: 2013!

by Anita Sullivan

Over the past month, we’ve sung carols, lit candles, shopped, opened presents, cooked elaborate meals, talked or visited with family we rarely do, decked the halls, filled the stockings, and celebrated the season. But now that it’s time to clean the mess, pay the bills, head back to school and work, and start the New Year, what do we focus on now?

For so many people, Christmas is truly a magical time. Yet we can easily forget that in homes across our land, the magic can’t outweigh the reality that families face. In that home with abuse? It didn’t end, and may have even been worse with the added pressures. In that home with not enough money to keep things going? December didn’t change that, and guilt was felt for not providing as much as they hoped. In that home where illness casts a shadow? It still did, as families spent their Christmas in the hospital praying the New Year would bring new health. In the home where loss was felt this year? Grief still lived, sometimes with added hurt over missing their loved one through the holidays.

As I step back and look at the Christmas season from a different angle, I see that the magic truly comes from people who share God’s love, not from any tinsel or gift. There are those who buy extra presents- and gift them to children in shelter. There are those who hang lights- not just on their own trees, but on displays for the community to enjoy. There are those who sing songs- not just with their families, but for the community after many many hours of practice. There are those who serve food- not just in their home, but for masses of people who have none. There are those who give money- and not just for last minute tax breaks, but of love.

The magic of Christmas is in how much is given with nothing asked in return. The danger is that the season ends, and the needs don’t. The families still hurt, the needs still exist, and yet the giving isn't at the same pace.

As we begin 2013, consider how you gave this Christmas season, how you showed love to those who need it. Don’t let it stop because the season is over. Let this be the year of Christmas all year long.

 Anita Sullivan is the sister of a missing person, and long time advocate of victims, even before having a personal connection to the world of lost. During college,Anita found a passion for helping others and was involved in a variety of ministries. She then started a career in non-profit, first working with victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. She went on to work with at risk families through a supervised visitation program before spending several years in fundraising and advocacy. She now tries to reach people with a message of Hope through writing and speaking, while honoring her brother, Michael "Austin" Davis, who has been missing since 2007. To learn more about Anita, visit her at losingaustin.blogspot.com.

Austin, We Will Always Remember

by Anita Sullivan

“I often wonder if tears and prayers could bring you back to us... Why aren’t you already here?” 

excerpt from Jim Jolkowski on the 11^th anniversary of missing his son Jason, 

the inspiration for Project Jason 

This month marks five years of missing my brother Austin .  There was a completely surreal moment yesterday when I was enjoying the quiet of being home alone, but knowing my kids were having fun with family, and my husband was spending time serving at a youth camp.  It quickly took me back to almost five years ago, when my son was away spending time with family and my husband and I were enjoying some rare quiet time.  We spent the first evening with my brother, watching a funny movie.    

We planned dinners and fun things for the rest of the week.  But it didn’t happen.  Instead, one night was spent filing a police report, certain that Austin would walk back through the door and laugh at me.  Then the next days and nights were consumed by urgent phone calls, walking streets, passing out flyers, and comforting family. 

Sometimes five years seems like an eternity.  Then sometimes there’s a moment like that where it feels just a few heartbeats ago.

 

So much has happened, and yet so little has changed.  We’ve welcomed a little one that my brother would be very amused by, we’ve moved, we’ve gotten involved, we’ve grown older, we’ve welcomed new technology and new friends…. Yet, we have no more answers.  We have no less hurt. 

I’d like to be able to pull more out of the five year mark than simply remembering- some lessons learned, some pearls of wisdom.  But mostly I remember, which is often more painful than forgetting. 

I first wrote this when it was just One year, 11 months, 2 days and 1 week.  I sometimes update it as a reminder that we have made it through so much longer than we thought we would could or would have to.  We’ve found strength through faith and love, but yet I pray this is the last update I make.  One day little brother….

Four years, 11 months, 3 weeks and

five days since we saw you, heard you

hugged you.

Four years, 11 months, 3 weeks and

five days of searching, seeking, scouring

and devouring any piece of information

that would lead us to you.

Four years, 11 months, 3 weeks and

five days of still hearing your laugh and

seeing your smile, though only in our dreams.

Four years, 11 months, 3 weeks and

five days since our lives changed.

How many days are left?  We don’t know,

but we will continue for all of the rest of

the days on this journey until it ends, and

even then, a new journey will begin as we

walk with others.

-Anita Sullivan

 Anita Sullivan is the sister of a missing person, and long time advocate of victims, even before having a personal connection to the world of lost. During college,Anita found a passion for helping others and was involved in a variety of ministries. She then started a career in non-profit, first working with victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. She went on to work with at risk families through a supervised visitation program before spending several years in fundraising and advocacy. She now tries to reach people with a message of Hope through writing and speaking, while honoring her brother, Michael "Austin" Davis, who has been missing since 2007. To learn more about Anita, visit her at losingaustin.blogspot.com.  

Loud and Clear

By Anita Sullivan 

For weeks now, there has been a dad protesting on the road out of our neighborhood. He’s standing with signs of varying messages about how the local elementary school is racist and hates kids. That’s my son’s school. In fact, at least one of his kids has been in my son’s class for the past few years, and last year this man made an impression on me the first day when he grilled the teacher (rudely) on her educational background and qualifications. I sensed trouble, because while I was taking photos of my kid at his new desk, this man was already stirring the pot. I was proud. He was confronting.

Most of us don’t have the need to wave a sign, but many of us have messages we want heard. We want people to hear our message of victim’s rights, of hope in the face of all odds, or whatever else we feel called to speak. And speak we must. And sometimes there is a place for signs.

But, one of my favorite quotes is from St. Francis of Assisi and says “Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words.” As a Christian, I take that to heart. But no matter what your beliefs or what you’re called to share with others, the point is simply that how you live your life speaks so much more than the words you say. You often have to do both, but without the life lived, the words fall on empty ears.

I’m often riled up by bumper stickers or billboards with messages of hate. I don’t understand what those behind them think will happen, except to fuel on those with their same beliefs. Did anyone who disagrees, ever pass a billboard and say “by golly, you’re right!” Of course not- those that already agreed with the sentiment were reinforced is all.

Consider today who you want to reach with your message- is it those who already agree with you? Then words may be enough. But to really reach those who need to hear, don’t ever let words replace the life.

See, that dad’s words mean nothing, because I saw his actions. He’d now like me (and others) to believe his words written on a sign, and somehow forget the actions we’ve seen. Not likely.

I wonder what words I’m causing to be ignored because of actions to the contrary. I wonder how I’m getting in my own way of sharing the story of hope I need to. Time to take some honest looks. 

 Anita Sullivan is the sister of a missing person, and long time advocate of victims, even before having a personal connection to the world of lost. During college,Anita found a passion for helping others and was involved in a variety of ministries. She then started a career in non-profit, first working with victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. She went on to work with at risk families through a supervised visitation program before spending several years in fundraising and advocacy. She now tries to reach people with a message of Hope through writing and speaking, while honoring her brother, Michael "Austin" Davis, who has been missing since 2007. To learn more about Anita, visit her at losingaustin.blogspot.com. 

Fair for All

By Anita Sullivan

Don’t you wish life was fair and people got what they deserved (both good and bad) and there was justice for all?  I really do.  But that’s not how things go, and anyone who works with victims or their families knows that better than most. 

Some children I adore are getting the short end of the stick right now.  Their dad is making decisions that are hurting him- but when you’re an adult and make the decisions, you face the consequences.  Their mom is amazing, and showing her kids real love by the way she handles it all.  She isn’t getting what’s fair, and neither are her kids.  What’s fair would be a dad and husband who chooses the right way, keeps his priorities in line, and doesn’t back away from the tough things.  What’s reality is kids and mom who are hurting.  Doesn’t seem fair.

And that’s just one of several situations around me like that right now. 

Since we see so much unfairness in the world, we sometimes try to balance that with fairness in everything we can control.  Sound familiar?  As organizations, we may help only in equal and fair amounts, helping one only how we can help all.  In professional settings, we often only give one what we can give all, even though we may want it different.  At home, we try to give equal portions and equal gifts and equal time.  We try to be fair.

 

But I heard a superb speaker this week, who said something completely opposite.

“Do for one what you wish you could do for everyone”- Andy Stanley

This doesn’t suggest that you drop the quality and quantity of the time, attention, and help that you give those you help or those you love.  It simply means that when you have the chance to really make a difference in the life of one person, take it.  Don’t worry about who you can’t do the same for; give what you can to that one.

 

Most of us have heard the story of the boy throwing starfish into the sea.  A passerby asked him why he bothered throwing some back when he couldn’t save them all.  He said it didn’t matter.  The boy simply responded “it mattered to that one” as he threw one into the waves, “and that one” as he threw another. 

Those we can’t reach or help can be overwhelming for those of us working to serve others.  My encouragement today is that you aren’t asked to help them all.  But for each person you do, you make a world of difference. 

Today, go out and do for one what you wish you could do for everyone. 

 Anita Sullivan is the sister of a missing person, and long time advocate of victims, even before having a personal connection to the world of lost. During college,Anita found a passion for helping others and was involved in a variety of ministries. She then started a career in non-profit, first working with victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. She went on to work with at risk families through a supervised visitation program before spending several years in fundraising and advocacy. She now tries to reach people with a message of Hope through writing and speaking, while honoring her brother, Michael "Austin" Davis, who has been missing since 2007. To learn more about Anita, visit her at losingaustin.blogspot.com.

Another Saturday Morning

 by Anita Sullivan 

I drove by the morning after. There were two cars in the drive, but no people in sight. There were no signs of trouble, just two marks of orange spray paint. If you didn’t know otherwise, you might think the marks were from the utility company, marking where work was to happen. I was driving out of my neighborhood, down the same street and past the same houses I do every day, for another Saturday morning at the ball field with my kids. Others were walking their dogs, looking for garage sales, headed out for errands.

But in that home, just past the orange spray paint, nothing would ever be the same. The afternoon prior, Cynthia Hayes had come to her home to get belongings, at a time when she didn’t expect her husband home. They were separated, and must have had a history of violence, because a protective order against him had recently expired. It wouldn’t have helped her this day anyway. A lot of details are unclear as the investigation continues, but this much is clear- David Hayes was home. David Hayes had a shotgun. David Hayes used it.

As his wife and a friend ran from the home, he chased them. He first shot the friend, who fell where one of the orange marks of spray paint stains. His wife made it into a neighbor’s home. A neighbor encountered him and begged that he not shoot her, reminding him that she had a child. She later said that he was blank and she knew had snapped. He did not shoot her. But did go into the neighbor’s home where his wife was, shooting and killing her. He then returned home and shot himself, dying hours later.

That night, our neighborhood was closed off, with media swarming and crime scene units working. People gathered on the street. Friends and family who saw our street on the news called to check on us, and many we knew were posting on Facebook about the horror. But the next morning, as I drove by and saw just orange paint, I was the most disturbed. Not that such violence can happen. But that we hide so much and see so little, and go back to normal so quickly.

The morning after, even if you hadn’t heard the news, if you were paying close enough attention you might have seen that the orange paint was marking a crime scene. But we don’t pay close attention- we drive by in our own world, missing the clues of the terrible and painful things happening just past those signs. What signs were there before this murder? We didn’t know this family, but someone must have had clues. What signs may I be missing in those I know and love that they need help? The danger they face isn’t likely as big as what Cynthia faced. But this was such a reminder that I need to open my eyes and be willing to do more.

The children left behind are young adults, and I pray have the support and love of many. There is also still a woman battling for her life in ICU. As I drove by tonight, the cleanup had begun, and family and friends have started to gather.

It’s too late for anyone to help Cynthia. Look around, who might need your help, no matter how subtle the clues or seemingly small the danger? I’m honoring her tonight by asking that of myself, and of you.

Links to Articles:

http://jacksonville.com/news/crime/2012-03-09/story/2-dead-1-critically-injured-clay-county-domestic-shooting

http://www.firstcoastnews.com/topstories/article/246270/483/Two-Dead-One-Hospitalized-After-Orange-Park-Shooting

 Anita Sullivan is the sister of a missing person, and long time advocate of victims, even before having a personal connection to the world of lost. During college,Anita found a passion for helping others and was involved in a variety of ministries. She then started a career in non-profit, first working with victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. She went on to work with at risk families through a supervised visitation program before spending several years in fundraising and advocacy. She now tries to reach people with a message of Hope through writing and speaking, while honoring her brother, Michael "Austin" Davis, who has been missing since 2007. To learn more about Anita, visit her at losingaustin.blogspot.com.

A Shared Journey

By Anita Sullivan

I didn’t set out to be an advocate for anyone. When I was little I wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. When I was a bit older I wanted to be a marine biologist. I wanted to be a Mom. I wanted to be a wife. I went to college and wanted to be a sports administrator. I got involved in ministry and wanted to share God’s love with others. But it was really still all about me. It was about what I wanted to do, where I saw my life going. I had it good, and thought I should share that with others.

I hit a few bumps in the road, faced some challenges. So I thought I might even be able to tell people how to get past them like I had.

So I began seeking meaningful work. I spent two years working with women in a domestic violence shelter and leading volunteers in a sexual assault response team. I spent night after night advocating for women in hospital emergency rooms, leaving exhausted and spent, but appreciative of the place I had in their lives in that moment. I learned even more from the women I worked with, who had chosen to become advocates, unlike me who had stumbled upon a job out of need. They were tough. They were sometimes mean. It became a little less about me, but still it was a job.

I then spent some time working with families in a supervised visitation program, training volunteers and observing families in need. Then I moved on to the business of cancer, advocating for patients in the community. But I found that the job was all about the business, there were already a lot of advocates, and as jobs went, it was pretty tough. Not really for me. It was still about me, but I knew it shouldn’t be just about me, and I didn’t think I was making a difference for anyone there. God kept growing my heart to want to do something real. But it was still about what I wanted to do.

So I took a break from the non-profit jobs. I thought that I’d figure it out while having a job that was just that, a job. And I’d focus for a while on my family. See, while I was busy finding jobs to advocate for people (good jobs going good work), I was advocating almost daily for my husband who battles a rare chronic illness. But I didn’t know what I wanted to do, that was just something I had to do. So the plan was to keep sharing my love for people through involvement at church, and keep figuring it out.

Five short months later, I again was forced into something I didn’t want to do. Much like facing my husband’s illness, I couldn’t go home from the job and relax. On June 26, 2007 I became an advocate for my brother, the day he went missing from my home. Michael “Austin” Davis was 26 and depressed, and I was silenced at first- by my own fear and guilt. But I spoke. Then, eventually I learned to speak for others too. To ask for help for us all. It was no longer about me. It was no longer a job. I still speak for my brother because he can’t, and for my family because sometimes they can’t. I speak for our community of missing to anyone who will listen because I can, and over time I’ve found that all the time I spent up until now was God preparing my heart for these days.


Years ago, I thought I might share with people how they might get past the bumps like I had. Today my message is much different. Today I offer instead that people climb the mountains and trudge the valleys alongside me, and together we can lean on each other, and I might be able to share some hope along the way. Today I no longer know so much about what I want to do or how I may be used, but I know that God may use me, and I’m open to that. And no matter what type of journey you’re on, no matter your situation, we can support each other.

Today as I start the journey of blogging on Time’s Up, that’s what I have to offer you. A shared journey.

Anita Sullivan is the sister of a missing person, and long time advocate of victims, even before having a personal connection to the world of lost. During college,Anita found a passion for helping others and was involved in a variety of ministries. She then started a career in non-profit, first working with victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. She went on to work with at risk families through a supervised visitation program before spending several years in fundraising and advocacy. She now tries to reach people with a message of Hope through writing and speaking, while honoring her brother, Michael "Austin" Davis, who has been missing since 2007. To learn more about Anita, visit her at losingaustin.blogspot.com.