A New Year: 2013!

by Anita Sullivan

Over the past month, we’ve sung carols, lit candles, shopped, opened presents, cooked elaborate meals, talked or visited with family we rarely do, decked the halls, filled the stockings, and celebrated the season. But now that it’s time to clean the mess, pay the bills, head back to school and work, and start the New Year, what do we focus on now?

For so many people, Christmas is truly a magical time. Yet we can easily forget that in homes across our land, the magic can’t outweigh the reality that families face. In that home with abuse? It didn’t end, and may have even been worse with the added pressures. In that home with not enough money to keep things going? December didn’t change that, and guilt was felt for not providing as much as they hoped. In that home where illness casts a shadow? It still did, as families spent their Christmas in the hospital praying the New Year would bring new health. In the home where loss was felt this year? Grief still lived, sometimes with added hurt over missing their loved one through the holidays.

As I step back and look at the Christmas season from a different angle, I see that the magic truly comes from people who share God’s love, not from any tinsel or gift. There are those who buy extra presents- and gift them to children in shelter. There are those who hang lights- not just on their own trees, but on displays for the community to enjoy. There are those who sing songs- not just with their families, but for the community after many many hours of practice. There are those who serve food- not just in their home, but for masses of people who have none. There are those who give money- and not just for last minute tax breaks, but of love.

The magic of Christmas is in how much is given with nothing asked in return. The danger is that the season ends, and the needs don’t. The families still hurt, the needs still exist, and yet the giving isn't at the same pace.

As we begin 2013, consider how you gave this Christmas season, how you showed love to those who need it. Don’t let it stop because the season is over. Let this be the year of Christmas all year long.

 Anita Sullivan is the sister of a missing person, and long time advocate of victims, even before having a personal connection to the world of lost. During college,Anita found a passion for helping others and was involved in a variety of ministries. She then started a career in non-profit, first working with victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. She went on to work with at risk families through a supervised visitation program before spending several years in fundraising and advocacy. She now tries to reach people with a message of Hope through writing and speaking, while honoring her brother, Michael "Austin" Davis, who has been missing since 2007. To learn more about Anita, visit her at losingaustin.blogspot.com.

The Christmas Casseroles Stopped After Two Weeks

By Donna Gore

As the holiday season approaches, those of us who are the veteran survivors of crime are cognizant of the flood of emotions evoked on Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Christmas and the New Year’s holidays… as well as anniversary dates.

Those who have recently been accosted by violent crime, for the first time experience a vacuous holiday season without their loved one.  Holidays that once held meaning, are no more.  Survivors of crime say to them, “What’s the point anymore?”  

New survivors are assaulted with holiday images at every turn.  This year in particular due to our dismal economy, I saw my first Xmas image before the Halloween candy was distributed!

Tinsel and materialism aside, as a new survivor, we don’t want to look at these images or be reminded.   We don’t want to hear “Holly, Jolly Xmas” pervading our grocery aisles.  We cannot face any of it.

At some point it hits us that we have to face the holidays.

They will come no matter what has occurred before.  What to do about that empty seat at the dinner table?  What to do about the gifts you can’t bring yourself to buy and the little rituals your beloved “always took care of.”

Our surviving relatives may be able to function, but we can’t…

Our friends try to “pick up the slack” by offering to “do anything needed.”

“Call if you need anything”.  “Just let me know how I can help” are familiar refrains and certainly well meaning. However, such offers do not help us because they don’t appreciate our state of inertia.  What we really need are concrete suggestions and offers.  Even well meaning friends frequently have no idea how to help during that acute phase.

Therefore, below I present to you a holiday list of “What to Do” from my archives compiled years ago by the Victim Assistance Douglas County Sheriff’s Department in Colorado (with my personal additions and  refinements).

I also offer a list of “Getting through the Holidays,” compliments of Survivors of Homicide, Inc. in Connecticut.  Whether you chose to use any of these suggestions or not, we will always remember our loved one in some way during the holiday season. *** To that end, it is in the establishing of new traditions, even small ones that create new meaning in out lives

HOW CAN I HELP?

1)   Your presence at any public service and a handshake or hug will provide more support than any “rehearsed remarks” that you could possibly think of.

2)   As the friend or relative, you should take the initiative to get in touch by telephone or card.  It’s never too late to express your love and concern.

3)   Don’t say, “Call and let me know how I can help” (Most never will). 

Rather, take the initiative and,

a) Cook a meal;

b) Freeze one for a future meal;

c) Babysit;

d) Do some shopping for them;

e) Help with phone calls;

f) Do some driving ( to the airport, train station etc)

4)   Let them talk… and tell their story over and over again. Listening is the most important support now.  It is in telling the story that survivors are able to begin the long healing process.  Allow them screaming room.

5)   While listening, be careful not to assume feelings, place blame or rationalize reasons for what happened.  You are not there to agree or disagree.  Listen and affirm their right to feel as they do.

6)   Avoid making comments such as:

“You’ll have other children”

“You’ll get married again”

“It was God’s will”

“Be brave”

“Don’t cry”

“Don’t talk about it”

“In time you will have closure”

7)   Accept them for who they are and who they have become.  Your loving support now will help them to accept themselves and come to some sort of peace (NOT CLOSURE) with this loss.

8)   Share some positive memories with the survivors.  Happy and warm memories help the healing process.

9)   Be persistent in your offer of help long term.  It is difficult to ask for help.  The survivor of crime will need your help more and more as the months pass, not less, which is a common mistake.  Everyone wants to bring casseroles for the first two weeks and then they often “go back to their own lives assuming that you “can now “go it alone” which is the farthest thing from truth or reality.

10) Don’t suggest sedatives.  That will only delay the healing process.  It is much better if they can make it through without medication.  However, if needed a doctor should be consulted instead of your medicine cabinet.

11) Be sure to allow the bereaved partner or parent to make the services they wish rather than questioning them on their choices or trying to “take over.”  If not, resentment and anger may occur if their decisions were not respected.  On the other hand, if they ask for specific assistance, follow-through with their requests.

12) Understand that there is no specific timetable for grief! 

Allow them all the time they need to “recover” and begin to function again.  It may take a few months to several years.  Also, keep in mind that grief will reoccur many times. (Particularly during the court/trial process with it’s many delays, postponements etc. known as “the re-victimization.”)

13) Acknowledge anniversary dates such as death dates, their birthdays or anniversaries.  Take their lead in terms of how they will be observed.  A phone call or hug acknowledging the date will offer comfort.  Never ignore

it.

14) Accept their silence if that is all they can offer.  Be patient with them.

15) Comfort the children in the family, not just the adults.  If you are unsure how to approach them or are at a loss of what to say, consult with a professional bereavement therapist or a fellow homicide survivor for advice.  Never lie to children.  However, tell them what they can comprehend and respond to their direct questions without getting too complex or abstract.

16) Avoid halting all conversations with others in their presence.  However, get a feel for what they can handle at the moment.  At times, conversations about other topics or even a funny moment can be a welcome distraction from grief.

17) Allow them to “work trough their grief.”  In other words, do not whisk away photos or clothing. Permit the bereaved to remove such items in their own time.

18) If your relative or friend is in a perpetual state of being overwhelmed and cannot process the day to day conversations, write a letter so that they may read it on their own time and appreciate your relationship at a later time.

19) Encourage postponement of major decisions until the intense grief has

subsided.  Encourage the bereaved to seek advice from clergy, attorneys, real estate personnel so that they are not taken advantage of at their most vulnerable time.

GETTING THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS

You must realize that grieving persons have definite limitations.  We do not function at normal capacity.  Therefore, we must reevaluate our priorities and decide what is really meaningful for our families and us.

1)We must decide what we can handle comfortably, and let those needs be known to family and friends.

-      Whether or not to talk about our loved one openly;

-      Whether we can handle the responsibility of the family dinner. holiday parties etc., or if we wish someone else to take over some or all of these tasks;

-      Whether we will stay here for the holidays or we choose to “run away” to a totally different holiday environment this year;

2) Don’t be afraid to make changes. It really can make things less painful!

- Open presents Christmas #Eve  instead of Christmas morning;

- Have dinner at a different time;

- Attend a different church for your Christmas Eve services;

- Let the children take over decorating the tree or making cookies

3) Our greatest comfort may be in doing something for others.  You may be able to acknowledge your loss more meaningfully by:

-      Giving a gift or money donation in memory of your loved one;

-      Adopting a needy family or guest for the holidays;

-      Volunteering at a shelter or soup kitchen

4)    Whether it’s greeting cards, holiday baking, putting up the tree, decorating, dinner preparations or visiting others, ask these questions before making any decisions:

-      Have I involved or considered my other family members?

-      Do I really enjoy this task or does other family prefer to do it?

-      Can I share or delegate those tasks?

-      Would this Holiday be the same without it?

5)    How many stockings should we hang? We may decide to:

-      Put them all up;

-      Hang no stockings at all;

-      Write our thoughts and feelings down about our loved one and have a special stocking with a designated reader;

-      A family burns a “special candle” on all their special days to quietly include “their presence;”

-      Chose a new tradition among family members to include the one who has passed such as ; hanging a special wreath; buying an item they collected, planting a tree

6)    Plan ahead for the shopping days with a ready made list.  When you have a good day” you will not be as exhausted or shop with a friend and shop at dinnertime when the crowds are much less.

      7)  Holiday cards- If this task is too overwhelming, some families enclose the little funeral service card into your pre-purchased greeting cards for those who may not be aware of your loss.  Ask a friend or relative to make address labels on the computer to help with this task.

Finally, the above suggestions were offered pre technology.  Therefore, someone may want to create a website or Face book page in honor of your loved one….

Respectfully Submitted

Donna R. Gore, M. A.

Homicide Survivor in Connecticut

Dedicated to Those Who Still Have a Fighting Chance

By Lyn Twyman

It's been almost 11 years ago that I met a beautiful young man who was dying of cancer at the tender age of 18.  I had heard about his struggle with cancer in the local newspaper and new that someone needed to reach out to him and his family.  I was working a full time job then so I asked my preacher at the time if he would pay this young man a visit and he promised me he would.  After 2 or 3 weeks had gone by, I learned that my preacher had not kept his word and I became livid.  'Why am I giving this man my tithe money when he can't even get his ass in the car and visit someone who is sick as the rest of us are at work struggling to make a living?' I thought.  

I then made the decision to make the visit myself and I asked another church member, who knew the family of the young man, if she would go with me to visit them after I got off from work.  She agreed and in the cold and chill of December, we drove down an old, back country road to a white cottage in the darkness of the night out in the woods.  Once we arrived at the home, we were met by some of the friendliest of people, given the circumstances.  The new friend that I met that night, who I always call now my Charlie, was laying in the living room on his hospital bed, connected to a morphine pump as his source of pain relief and sustenance. 

What happened that night I have never forgotten as I watched this young man, who did not have much left to his frail being, wake from his sleep  and he began speaking to me, though he couldn't see me as the cancer had taken most of his sight.  We talked and I learned about his favorite instrument, his favorite sport, even his favorite flower.  I also prayed with him that night asking God to be by his side and Charlie received assurance that he would go to meet his Maker.  Minutes later, he drifted back to sleep but before he did, I gave him a red Bible. 

Charlie died three days later on December 26th and after speaking with his mother after the funeral had taken place, I learned that he was buried with the same Bible I had given him.  I also learned from his mother that the visit I had paid him gave him renewed strength that she had not seen from him in a while.   He was a more cheerful person in his last three days, making mention of me several times and wanting to know where his Bible was.  On Christmas day, after weeks of not eating because of the effects from the morphine, he awoke asking to get dressed and ate his last meal ever with his family.  I didn't know that the time I had left to reach him wasn't that long.  I didn't know that Charlie was on the verge of death the night we went to see him.  The local newspaper had minimized the state of his condition. 

Just like my angel, Charlie, whose life was claimed by a gruesome disease called cancer, there are many victims of domestic violence who are also on the verge of death.  If you and I don't get to them, don't talk to them, don't reach out to them soon, and just wait for other people and organizations to do the work when you and I are just as capable, then it just may be too late.  If we can save them or offer some kind of hope to help them move on and be empowered to take the next steps, then we've doing our job. 

I know my Charlie died, but he needed someone to come to him and give him some kind of hope as his fate was near.  For those who are being victimized by domestic violence, they still have a fighting chance, however, and that's the point I want to get across today. 

 So I challenge all of us who are fighting for the rights of victims of domestic violence, sexual assault to crime victimization, please remember that each person deserves the help and support.  It’s not too late. Each person deserves to be kept safe from their abuser and out of harm’s way with whatever it takes.  Judges, prosecutors, police officers and advocates reading this, ask yourselves are your departments doing all they can do to protect victims?  Politicians and legislators, are you passing laws to keep victims safe or what’s holding you back from making the right decisions to protect your citizens?  Is it that one little clause in a bill that needs to be modified that’s preventing you from voting on it?  If so, then for Heaven’s sake come to a compromise, get it changed and pass that bill!  And family, friends, co-workers, what’s keeping you from talking to the person you love or know about getting help as they are being abused? 

If all of us wait for the next guy to come around, just like the lazy preacher I once had, what we’re called to do by Divine Intervention, Providence or Karma will never happen.  So let’s take the time to make this coming holiday and new year a time to be more proactive in our fight for all of humanity.  There are some things we just know we must do that are right.  Someone needs you.  Don’t let anything hold you back.

~Dedicated to my Charlie.  Called home to be with his Maker December 26, 1999.~

Holiday Strategy

By Tanya Warrington

Holidays can be fun, but they also generate stress with the extra activities, the entertaining, and the extra expenses. For victims of domestic violence of any kind (verbal, emotional, physical or sexual) the holidays can be extra tough.

What does one do with bad holiday memories in the season that suggests that everyone should be happy and share in joyful family events? How do you handle it? What can you do when you feel more like crying than celebrating?

These are real and painful questions. There is pressure to have a Rockwell image Christmas with lots of warm family togetherness—but it isn’t always the way things really are. Sometimes old memories blot out the present.

I believe we can improve our holidays even while we are engaged in the process of healing from abuse. We can take actions, such as any of the following suggestions:

1. Take a Break
If you can, give yourself the gift of a break from counseling until after the holidays. If you are in crisis, then keep on going and reward yourself for attending. Go to a park or take a hike or visit an art museum. Do whichever calms you.

2. Get your Heart Pumping
Include a time most days to exercise. It will release endorphins that will lift your mood. Plus, as an added bonus, it will help your body burn those calories from holiday sweets.

3. Write Freely
Use your journal when old memories come up. Honor your feelings by recording them. Let your writing be uncensored. Journaling can help your process your thoughts and release your emotions all at the same time.

4. Find Fellowship
Share with a trusted person what you are going through. Let another see your pain. It really will help. Absorb the kindness, understanding, and caring that you receive. Let it sink in. Allow yourself to be comforted in your pain, knowing that talking and being heard will bring you further along in your healing.

5. Create Fun
Make time for your hobby or watch comedy movies. Doing something you enjoy will refresh and strengthen you. Do not consider this a waste of time—it isn’t. Don’t save it for last all the time—sometimes play first makes work happen at a more efficient pace.

May your holidays include restorative moments. May God help you to feel His presence during the season of celebrating the good news that Jesus Christ lived, died, and rose up to live again so that we might be reconciled to God. Hallelujah!

Do healthy things, dear Reader, it will reap so many benefits that will reap so many benefits that will encourage your heart. Let’s give Jesus our hearts and our healing process this holiday season.