The Magical Illusion of Christmas

By Susan Murphy Milano

(originally posted December, 2010)

Every year my mother made a big deal about Christmas from planning out what color to make the eyes on the gingerbread cookies, to the day she, my brother, and myself would go downtown to Marshall Fields department store for our annual Santa visit and photo. The bright lights and holiday decorations lining downtown store windows and street lamps always made me forget, if only for a moment, our lives were anything but bright and hopeful.

I have to give my mother credit, as difficult as our daily fight for survival was, she did the best she could to create happy memories for us. Sometimes, the holiday did not turn out as planned and we ended up on Christmas morning in the emergency room as she received medical attention from injuries caused by my father. My little brother and I viewed stuffing every pocket in our coat and pants with candy canes while at the hospital as a cool thing. Instead of opening presents, like we watched in movies, we went back to the house with a cup of hot chocolate and whip cream prepared with love.

Hope was always a magical illusion, it did not matter if it was Christmas or not. The days and months always felt as if they were all lumped in to a never ending road of unpredictable behavior by a man authorized with a gun and a badge to protect the streets of Chicago, while hiding behind the closed door of our home like a coward, only to terrorize and harm his own family. In our house you told time by the changing of seasons and what you needed to wear before heading out the door. During the holidays it was the one time of year that I didn't wish anything from the Sears catalog that would arrive sometime after Thanksgiving. If Santa was real, then just maybe he would find us a nice safe place like I remembered watching in the movie Miracle on 34th Street, where we could hang our stockings and live happily, with my brother and mom, far away from my father, forever.

Growing up, my brother and I never really counted on much and making plans for anything was wishful thinking. More than fifty years later, I have no closure, just an acceptance of the violent events that would eventually hijack my mothers life. The last memory of her is 10 feet away from the oven where we baked Christmas cookies, throughout the kitchen her blood spilled over onto the once bright yellow pattern on the floor tiles where my brother and I once sat anxiously waiting for the Christmas cookies to finish baking. In the bedroom a couple hundred feet away, dead from a self inflicted gun shot, my father, who had taken from me the only love I knew, my mother. Although not visible to the human eye, there is a tattoo etched deep inside of me, a permanent scar from a battle I would rather forget.

The effects of the violence would follow me into my own world as an adult, a secret I kept hidden from friends, colleagues and relationships. Suddenly, my secret was out, unwillingly I was a victim and a survivor of a life I did not ask for nor chose as my life's journey. In 1988, my parents divorced and the holidays were around the corner. My mother and I spent the Christmas holidays together, the first without my father and the last one without my mother. I rang in the new year with a feeling of hope that we could finally move forward with our lives.

Abruptly, in 1989, after their deaths, I left a successful business career for a world that provided little, if any, hope and assistance to abuse victims and their children.

I did not realize when I began working with victims of intimate partner abuse, my world would be an important life raft for safety in keeping others alive. Over a decade of running a national agency and providing direct services, I began to incorporate strategies like no other in the country, as the agencies were not familiar with the battleground I knew intimately. Service providers and agencies were layered by politics and paperwork with government forms and numbers instead of thinking outside the box, a box that never belonged there in the first place if lives were to be saved.

This rigid box of "rules and restrictions" are what often kicks the safety and services of a victim to the streets and back to the violence. Yes, a woman returns to the abuser numerous times before she leaves but its also because the family courts and services are either limited or dysfunctional. And all too often it is based on income she makes too much, too little or there is not enough funding available for what is required. Ironically, the funding issues in my world were never an obstacle in keeping victims alive. With little or no resources, each person I assisted did not die. Instead, they moved forward with their lives, most went back to school to obtain degrees others found paying jobs as the sole support of the household turning their lives around minus the threat of violence. I think it was because I took the time with them, something I noticed from the begining that was not happening when a victim reached out for help.

I learned from being in the trenches and providing hands on services combined with making time to explain to victims-- meant the difference between life and death. I would go beyond the sterile basic information and red tape of guidlelines set by funders and various government agencies, people who were and continue to do so today, more concerned with tabulating stats of human lives that amounted to nothing more then entering useless garbage into a data base that had nothing to do with safety or leaving and never returning to the abuse or the system for help. One cannot effectively assist a victim of intimate partner by sitting behind a desk when they have never left the comfort of their offices, when they have never been inside the real world of sheer terror and violence that victims endure daily. Often placing victims in something labeled a shelter, government funded that does not in many ways meet the needs of victims. As I have always said like our own DNA no two cases of abuse are alike.

The days of placing a bandage on intimate partner violence, as though it were a boo-boo, are over. When a system does what it has always done, the results will be the same. It did not work out for women like my mother, unable to speak today, because they were silenced in the prime of their lives, murdered in cold blood.

As we enter the year 2011, know that the death toll across the country for those who lose their lives because of intimate partner violence does not have to be a predictable outcome in some hardwired data base, ultimately marked by a cemetary headstone as in years past. A child no longer has to acompany their mother to the emergency room on Christmas morning filling their pockets with candy canes in a cold waiting room as the doctors stich their mothers head or set a broken limb and sent back out into uncertainty and fear that the next time they might not be so lucky.

In the new year I would like everyone who reads this to join me in ending the abuse. How, you ask? Each time a news story about a victim who was killed comes across your facebook page or you read about a case in the Huffington post, AOL News, Google, Newsvine, USA Today, the Examiner, The Washington Post, New York Times or see it on Nancy Grace, Fox News, Good Morning America, MSNBC, the Oprah Show, Dr. Phil, NPR Radio or any number of news programs send them a brief paragraph about the book Time's Up and that these cases no longer have to be tragic. That women such as Susan Powell, Stacy Peterson, Vensus Stewart, Angel Downs, Renee' Pernice, Kathleen Savio and others if killed their words will speak from the grave in a court a court of law. The person responsible will be arrested.

The upside is that this book saves lives. The mothers, sisters, girlfriends and children currently living in fear who live in harms way each and every day need this book the most. It is up to us to see that the information and knowledge is in their hands.

And to ensure every domestic violence agency, court building, library, church, community center, hospital, business and school has a copy of the book Time's Up: A Guide on How to leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships. And for a domestic violence provider, social worker, first responder, government agency, school, business or individual who says that cannot afford it? You can not afford not too!

Time's UP !!!

From the site www.victimadvocates.blogspot.com:

Susan’s writing is based on doing. It is based on the irrefutable credential of experience, both as a residual victim of interpersonal violence and a tireless advocate for others who suffer. This book is born from working in the trenches for twenty years and the necessity of crafting working solutions to help ensure individual safety from batters and stalkers.

TIMES UP is a comprehensive guide for women in danger. Every advocate owes it to those they work to assist to obtain this book.The contents provide specific steps towards safety and addresses issues that a person who is stressed and in fear may not think of. This guide can provide structure in the midst of chaos.

Among the tools and forms is the original idea of an “Abuse Affidavit”, a sworn statement detailing the facts of an individual’s victimization, preserving the specifics so they are not lost even if the victim is. It is difficult to think about speaking from the grave but no different than any life insurance policy obtained in consideration for those left behind.

An “Abuse Affidavit” has the additional psychological benefit of being forced face reality and admit that the potential for the ultimate kind of violence exists…and that if it occurs the perpetrator will be held accountable.

Purchase and read TIMES UP as an advocate to continue to learn and practice informed advocacy. Give TIMES UP to concerned friends or family members looking for solutions for a loved one who is in danger. Most of all, find a way to share this valuable guide with the domestic violence and stalking victims you know and work with. It has all the information and tools to empower a crime victim to save her own life.......Diane Fanning, Author

Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is an expert on intimate partner violence and homicide crimes. For more information visithttp://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/ She is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and wherever books are sold.

Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on Here Women Talk http://www.herewomentalk.com/ and is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr. Laurie Roth http://www.therothshow.com/

A False Sense of Safety

By Susan Murphy Milano

There nothing more liberating in violent and controlling relationships for a victim to have a plan in place, and once ready, knowing freedom is just around the corner. With each step taken over a period of months and sometimes years, a victim begins to gain more strength and courage to succeed in leaving.

Often, friends and family are important to the success of a victim leaving the violence. This is where a victim must take extra measures to ensure their safety. Going alone to met any individual who has been controlling and used violence during the relationship in the past can be a death sentence.

As an example, one year ago today, police cadet Kelly Rothwell, 35 had a false sense of security in the belief that her then boyfriend David Perry would allow her to amicably end their 3 year relationship. David Perry, as the majority of dangerous offenders, wasn't going to allow Kelly to leave on her terms, only his. She simply wanted out. After months of stalking, threatening and physical violence by Perry, she'd found the courage to say enough! Training at the academy to become a police officer gave Kelly the confidence to confront David Perry and, if need be, defend herself. Just one month short of graduation, Kelly had secured a new place to live and she had the support from her close knit circle of friends.

During a late lunch at a near-by restaurant with her friend, Donna, she went over her plan one last time. After lunch she hugged her friend and went alone to the condo she shared with David Perry to inform him she was moving out.

As so many women do in cases of intimate partner violence leading to a missing person's or homicide case, Kelly had a false sense of her safety, and David Perry, similar to having the scent of a trained dog, already knew what Kelly was planning. He was ready for her. But she was not prepared for him.

Kelly Rothwell fell into the same trap by her abuser as other missing women and mothers across the country everyday. Jacque Waller went alone to meet her estranged husband to pick up her son on June 1, 2011, she too, thought because it was someone she knew, Clay Waller, she'd be safe. Amanda Jones, ready to give birth any day informed her family she was meeting Bryan Westfall on August 14, 2005 ,in a public parking lot to discuss child support and visitation issues, again, Amanda had a false sense of safety. In each case, the offenders immediately hired attorneys to represent them, and subsequently each family enlisted the services of missing persons agency The CUE Center a national organization searching and recovering loved ones since 1994.

To date, none of these men, Waller, Perry or Westfall have been formally charged with murder, instead they are labeled by law enforcement as prime suspect, person of interest, and other terminology that amounts to nothing other than a weak-kneed label, a C.Y.A. term, instead of saying they each are cold stone targets of the investigation.

A tragic example in getting away with murder is Shon Pernice. A few weeks ago, just six days before Shon Pernice would stand trial for the murder of his still missing wife Renee Pernice who vanished into thin air on January 1, 2009, was offered a plea deal. He too, immediately lawyered up, claiming he had no idea where his wife, who was in the midst of filing for divorce, had gone. Like a bad magic act, Pernice's memory returns and he suddenly says "Renee fell. It was an accident. He disposed of her body in the trash." By pleading voluntary manslaughter Pernice will be sentenced to somewhere between a 5 year minimum to 15 years maximum. So our justice system, the only one we have, rewards a murderer for crime to be released into a community near you, with time off for good behavior sometime in the not too distant future. Now there's a comforting thought!

If your sister, co-worker, friend, daughter or mother is going to end the relationship, they need to document the abuse on an affidavit and video prior to leaving or have the dog of the offender smell the change in the relationship. Once the dog gets a whiff or scent their prey is leaving, you may never seen that person, again.

Go to Document The Abuse site and know what to do to be prepared. A false sense of security is what every victim experiences when they taste freedom. We can't ask Kelly Rothwell, Renee Pernice, Jacque Waller, Amanda Jones or the thousands of others who lost the battle in the war of intimate partner violence and homicide, but, we can stop others from meeting the same fate!

This year’s 8th annual conference, “In Support of the Journey” is slated for March 22-25 in Wilmington, NC and registration is available on the CUE Center website: CLICK HERE for complete details on classes, speakers and registration.


Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as a educator and specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases. Host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show,"Time'sUp!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host onCrime Wire. Online contributions: Forbes : Crime, She Writes providing commentary about the hottest topics on crime, justice, and law from a woman’s perspective, as well as Time's Up! a blog which searches for solutions (SOS) for victims of crime.

Leadership is a Lonely Place

By Neil Schori

Leadership is a lonely place.  I've been told that by many leaders before, but I hadn't truly experienced it until I became the lead pastor at Naperville Christian Church, where I currently serve.  But, it is so very true.  It is lonely and it can be very frustrating.  Because in order to truly lead, there must be people who "buy in" to your vision, and follow.  And sometimes it feels like you are the only one!

Over 4 years ago, Stacy Peterson disappeared.  She has never been found, and her husband is still the only suspect in her disappearance.  Stacy and her husband, Drew, both attended my church.  I knew that I must stand up and fight for victims of domestic violence, but I didn't know where to start.  I connected with Susan Murphy-Milano, and it all changed for me.

I learned from Susan that 1 in 4 women sitting in my own church were currently being abused.  I discovered that 8 women each day in the United States were killed by their boyfriends or husbands.  I also learned that very few church leaders were doing anything about this at all and because of that, I knew that I had to make a difference.  I was inspired and charged-up, and ready to tackle this horrible epidemic in our nation.

But something weird happened...very few others seemed to care.  Most pastors I talk with about this look at me like I'm crazy.  They usually say something patronizing to me like "that is great that you care about this so much!"  Translation: "Because I don't...and I have more important things to do."  At times I've been very discouraged and started to think that nothing was going to change.  What an isolated and frustrating place!

Maybe you feel this way at times, too...almost as if you are the only voice out there talking about this issue that you care so deeply about.  If that is you, please hear this: KEEP TALKING ABOUT IT!  Tell everyone who will listen to you about the cause that burns within your heart.  If it is truly worth discussing, then keep it up.  You may be the only person talking about it now, but it doesn't have to be that way.  Your persistence will pay off.

This past Sunday at my church, I started off by sharing a couple of dreams that I have for 2012.  One of those dreams is to educate church leaders around the nation about the problems of domestic violence and how the church can make such a huge difference in the rescue of so many women.  I also talked about how our church is a safe church for victims of abuse, and that we'll always take their abuse seriously.  And then, something beautiful happened: a woman who made her way to our church for the very first time, opened up to another woman sitting near her in the service, and told her about the horrible abuse she'd experienced at the hands of her husband.  She found community, and came out from under the shroud of her abuse.  She'll be silenced no more.

Leadership is lonely, but I'm going to keep talking about domestic violence.  At times it may seem as though nothing is happening...but I know that isn't really true.  Hearts will be opened and lives will be changed as we continue to talk about these incredibly important issues.  Maybe today you are reading this and thinking: "this issue is so big, I can never make a real difference!"  If that is you, then let me tell you a quick story.

One day a little girl was walking along a sandy beach.  She passed many starfish that were washed far up onto the sand.  As she walked along, she picked up each starfish she found and gently tossed them back into the water.  An old man watched her and said: "little girl, there are thousands of starfish out here.  You can't save them all.  You can't begin to make a difference!"  For a moment, the little girl felt defeated.  Then she picked up another starfish, and threw it as far out into the ocean as she could, and she looked at the old man and said: "I made a difference for THAT one!"

Today, don't listen to the naysayers or to the voices that tell you that you'll never make a difference.  The only way that will be true, is if you never try.  Leadership is lonely, but keep talking about it.  You may be the only one doing it now, but that won't always be the case.

Peace,

Neil Schori serves as lead pastor of Naperville Christian Church, and is a remarkable advocate for those in abusive relationships.

Drew Peterson: Untouchable

By Heidi Hiatt

Reviews of last night’s Drew Peterson: Untouchable movie on Lifetime are mocking the script, chortling that Rob Lowe is too good-looking to pull off the slovenly, bloated Peterson, and rightfully noting that viewers couldn’t tell which characters exist in real life and which don’t. At least a few websites are saying you should watch it just for the laughs.

I wasn’t laughing.

Yes, this was a Lifetime movie. This network usually follows a formula of damsel in distress meets hot dude who rescues her. Or woman takes drastic action against abuser and the legal drama that follows. As cheesy as many Lifetime movies are, women watch these shows because they can relate to them.

Say what you will about Untouchable, but where it did succeed was in giving viewers a taste of what life was probably like for Peterson’s wives. This guy comes across as a raging narcissist and to me seems to be a textbook sociopath. His world revolves around… him. He, as I just discussed in my Courageous post below, tries to maintain a heroic public persona, complete with the stereotypical mustache of authority, while skeletons literally lie in this guy’s closets.

I was disgusted that media outlets this morning were blaring Peterson’s reaction to the movie. What did they think he was going to say, “gee, there’s part of it that really hit home for me?” The media’s focus on Peterson has been a stumbling stone in the path of justice throughout this whole saga. As vampires of his type are known to do, and this is so transparent to me, he’s succeeded in drawing attention away from his victims and onto himself. Frankly I’d be much more interested in hearing what the victims’ families and friends have to say about Untouchable than see reporters clamor to post what this suspect is bellowing from his cell.

Another beef I have with the way the media has handled the Peterson case is that they have focused cargo ships full of attention on this case to the detriment of other missing persons and murder cases. Homicide and suicide happen all the time in police officer relationships, yet only a select few cases dominate the airwaves, sensationalized by crusaders for justice who constantly run “breaking news” banners on their shows.

To understand just how much this goes on in law enforcement, please visit the Behind the Blue Wall blog at http://behindthebluewall.blogspot.com/. The media’s laser focus on the Peterson case may have people thinking domestic violence of this magnitude is a fairly rare occurence in police families. The stories featured on this blog cover just some of the cases, and only some of the cases that make it to the media. The person who runs the site is not a cop hater, but someone who, like me, believes that conditions for victims of officer-involved domestic violence will never get better until police culture and our society are honest about the extent of this violence.

Some of the lines used in the movie are being panned for their cheesiness without acknowledging that self-absorbed people really do say the darndest things. They are not always rational and really do come out with some shocking and awkward statements sometimes. In one scene, Peterson was basically reminding his wife how lucky she was to be with a man who had his size of male member, and she said, “have you been in a men’s locker room lately?” Some guys really do think they’re God’s gift to women and like to remind women that they are “exceptional” when their sexual skills may be average or below. Narcissist red alert!

Peterson reminded his wives and people witnessing the abuse that he was untouchable. He is the police, as this character said, and this is a common line among police abusers. It is a dilemma that faces the majority of victims of police officers because it’s true. If you call the police, will they protect him, or will they protect you? I’ve been through this, and if you choose to go to the authorities, you are taking the risk that they won’t do anything or worse, leaving you at the whim of your abuser, who’s now outraged that you “ratted him out.”

People often ask domestic violence victims why they don’t just leave. You can’t “just leave.” I’ve said it many times, but the risk of homicide goes up 75 percent when you leave an abusive relationship. The abuser may not want you, but he still wants control over you. If he believes he has to kill you to keep you from regaining control of your life, there’s a good chance he’ll do it. He may kill your children, pets, coworkers, or relatives too. Cops’ careers are based on power and control, and the ones who choose to abuse flaunt that power and control mercilessly. Leaving could be signing your own death certificate, because how dare you act like your own person and “rob” them of their “authority.” By leaving you also risk exposing the deeds they’ve worked so hard to conceal.

Men like Peterson in this movie are masters of what’s known as crazymaking (also known as gaslighting), tormenting and badgering their victims mentally to the point that victims start to believe there’s something actually wrong with themselves. Peterson referred to his third wife Kathleen as “the crazy lady” at least several times in Untouchable and made sure everyone around him knew that she was an unstable, vindictive, emotionally off-balance predator who just wanted poor him to suffer. Crazymaking is just one way to make the victim look like the suspect and vice versa. Also note that some abusers are so relentless that they actually can cause their victims real problems.

They are the victims, master spin doctors whose lies and excuses pour out of their mouths effortlessly to make the real victim look like the suspect. I mention this quote over and over in my blog, but as Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door says, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is… an appeal to our sympathy. Abusers who are effective at this become the poor guy with the challenging wife, the longsuffering father whose kids are being poisoned by their mother.

Onlookers say, “he’s such a nice guy,” “he doesn’t deserve that,” “she’s a piece of work.” They generally don’t stop to ask the partner for her perspective; it’s obvious the “poor guy’s” got the short end of the stick and he doesn’t need you stirring things up by asking for his wife’s view, right? Wrong. Someone who has to go to such lengths to stir up sympathy might just have more going on than they’re letting on. Sympathy provides a smokescreen and diverts attention away from the victim onto themselves.

As portrayed in this movie, Peterson was only interested in the honeymoon phase of relationships. He got a thrill out of overlapping his relationships, using the time-worn phrase, “I’m still technically married.” Many con artists do this, saying, “I’ll divorce her,” “I’m in the processing of divorcing her,” “It’s completely over with her,” “I don’t feel anything for her.” But they thrive on their own cunning as they act out their fantasy of a sailor with a woman in every port.

In Untouchable, Peterson gets an obvious rise out of sneaking young Stacy into his house while his wife and children are sleeping. However, once they settle down and the thrill of the new relationship starts to wear off, the abuse starts. They’re out of the honeymoon phase and in his twisted mind she’s to blame for the ensuing “boredom.” He needs constant stimulation and settling down into routine life, with its less than perfect daily circumstances, is unbearable to him.

Speaking of children, some researchers theorize that sociopaths have an instinctive drive to spread their seed all over the place and ensure the continuation of their line. Some such abusers do this. They just keep having children and may use successive women to care for those children. I’ve seen this in real life and the children wind up not having a real father, but a Disneyland father who “works so hard” to support them that they “understand” why he’s not around. These guys are too busy tending to their new interests to be appropriately invested as husbands and fathers, and there’s always an excuse as to why they can’t make it to ____ (name an activity).

Drew Peterson made his fourth wife Stacy carry a cell phone constantly in this movie. This is also a common abuser tactic. He initially said that he needed to know she was “safe.” He was not motivated out of love or wanting to protect his wife, however, this was about control. He was irrationally paranoid about what his wife might be doing behind his back and needed to know her every move. There was one scene where he was spying on Stacy while in a marked police cruiser with a partner. It is reality that department resources may be used to keep tabs on a victim.

This picture also touched on how abusers may rage at their victims about things they are actually doing. In Untouchable, after Stacy hugged her brother-in-law at her sister’s funeral, Peterson asked her how long she’s been “banging” him. Then he attacked her in bed and asked how many times she’s “banged” him. A simple hug on a grieving family member can trigger the jealous rage of an abuser. They perceive it as a threat even though there is no threat. They are so mired in their own alternate reality that while they are away on vacation cheating on their spouse, they will call her and ask who she’s in bed with. They are, once again, making the victim the suspect.

The bed scenes in this movie were also realistic. Cowardly abusers will attack their victims where anyone else is least likely to witness the abuse. Rob Lowe’s Peterson also threatened to kill his wives at such moments, in both veiled and overt tones, in ways that couldn’t be proven. If you’ve heard the phrase “he said, she said,” that means that it’s her word against his. Guys like this are unlikely to threaten their partner in the presence of her friends or family. They get a thrill out of the fear and control they have while sneering that they’ll kill the victim when no one else can hear them. It’s also a way of deeply disturbing a victim emotionally so that only the symptoms will show in public, not the cause.

A final common abuser tactic that this movie covered was Peterson’s knack for demonizing his ex. Yes, some exes really are as bad as they appear, but I’ve learned to be suspicious of men who’ve been “horribly wronged” by their exes. Some won’t stop talking about how bad their exes are, and that may be a way of trying to bury the unfinished business or feelings they still have for them. It may also be concealing the fact that they’re still physically involved with them. Stacy’s experience in the movie version was that Kathleen, Peterson’s third wife, was a truly horrible person who incessantly harassed them. But Peterson convincing her of that just strengthened her loyalty to him because it evoked her sympathy. It made her believe that Peterson’s kids had a desperate need for a real mother.

Rob Lowe was genuinely creepy is this movie. Obviously Lifetime knows that casting someone who looks like him will draw more interest than someone who looks more like Drew Peterson. Regardless of what women think of Peterson’s looks, he seems to have that sociopathic draw, that hypnotic energy, that entices unsuspecting women. He may also appear attractive to some women in that he was an authority figure, that he was a father figure, and that he seemed financially successful.

A manipulator doesn’t have to be good-looking to have power over his victims; he just knows how to play his cards to reel in his targets. Please note that Peterson became engaged again in 2009, and after his intended left him due to her father’s ultimatum, she came back. After that she blindly defended him. I find absolutely nothing attractive about Drew Peterson, but there is a sinister energy that surrounds him like a cloud. When people are living in that cloud, they see a mirage or an embellished version of reality. You see what they want you to see.

To learn more about the kind of abuser that was portrayed in Untouchable, I’m going to recommend the book I always recommend, Sandra L. Brown’s Women’s Who Love Psychopaths, http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/. It delves into both suspect profiles and victimology and should be required reading for both sexes.

If you are a victim of domestic violence, you will find very relevant assistance in Susan Murphy Milano’s Time’s Up guide to leaving stalking and abusive relationships, http://www.amazon.com/Times-Up-Abusive-Stalking-Relationships/dp/1608443604/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1270995969&sr=1-2.

If you are a victim of officer-involved domestic violence, Diane Wetendorf’s website and booklets may be useful to you so that you understand the seriousness of what’s happening, http://www.abuseofpower.info/. You may also want to check out the website of the Officer-Involved Domestic Violence Network, http://policedomesticviolence.com/. Remember that abusers can track your Internet use, so be familiar with how to safely access this information before you look, http://www.stopfamilyviolence.org/internet-safety.

There is also something critically important that you can do if you are a victim of stalking or violence: document it! Visit http://documenttheabuse.com/index.html to learn more about the critically important Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit and how to safely record what is happening to you. Stacy Peterson is featured on this website.

I also advocate having a will and other legal documents in place that explain specifically who should be questioned if you are missing, incapacitated, or dead. Mine is set to automatically disseminate detailed information to people in government and the media. Friends also know intimate details of what I’ve documented and how it is more complicated than what I refer to as my past life. Keep trusted people in the know without your abusers’ knowledge. Doing these things positions a guillotine that will take your abuser’s and accomplices’ heads (figuratively) if they come for yours.

So, mock the Peterson movie if you will, but remember that real women are dead and missing. Did this movie convict Peterson prematurely? Perhaps. Personally I believe Peterson’s victims, who had nothing to gain and their lives to lose by standing up for themselves. All the red flags were there. Women who’ve been through similar situations, even of much lesser magnitude, readily recognize the mind games, spins, and manipulation tactics that Peterson appears to practice both in real life and in this movie. It can function as public education.

Even if Peterson is pure as the driven snow and did not hurt any of his wives, this quick onscreen walk through suburban Chicago can function as a crash course in the tactics of domestic abusers. Some may see it as entertainment at the expense of the victims and I understand that. Was it right to make this movie? Did the victims’ families give their input, and who’s profiting from it, namely the precious children left behind? I also understand how media coverage can get cases moved to different locales and affect jury selection.

I’m not heartily recommending this movie, but I am saying that as long as it’s out there, let’s learn what we can from it. There is reality even in its cheesiest lines that can educate the public on domestic violence and be used to stop it. Knowledge is power. Awareness brings change. We must continue to speak out against the Drew Petersons of this world until domestic violence ceases to exist.

Idealistic you say? Given the magnitude of this monster’s reach, especially in law enforcement families, it’s an ideal worth striving for.


It is terrible to find how little progress one’s philosophy and charity have made when they are brought to the test of domestic life. –C.S. Lewis

Heidi Hiatt, MA recently graduated as a Forensic Psychologist.  You can read more of her posts at her personal blog, Truth, Justice, and All-American Allergen-Free Apple Pie Straight Talk in a Crooked World

The (In)Justice System

By Neil Schori

Just a few weeks ago, an appellate court in Illinois made a dangerous ruling. They decided that most of the "so-called" hearsay evidence against former police sergeant Drew Peterson would not be admissible in his upcoming murder trial. Some people felt as though this was a victory for Joe and Jane Citizen. I would agree if this were normal hearsay. But this is not normal hearsay.

The judge in this case ruled that it was likely that Drew Peterson caused his wife, Stacy, to disappear so that she would be unable to testify against him for the murder of his third wife, Kathleen Savio. This is certainly not normal hearsay, which should not and would not ever make it into a courtroom. But there is a problem here. Rulings like these will do nothing but hurt women in cases of domestic violence. Why? Because their abusers will become emboldened. They will actually be motivated to do more harm to those few who know of their horrible violent tendencies. Why? Because if they kill the ones that know the truth, then everything else can be labeled "hearsay," which we all know is not admissible in court.

So what is the solution? I think that we might take a three-tiered approach:

1. Educate women~ If you saw someone drowning, would you stop and help? Of course you would! If you were a lifeguard, you'd certainly jump in and skillfully rescue them. I want to see more and more lifeguards. What does that look like in the arena of domestic violence? It teaches abused women that they need to immediately seek out a trusted friend to complete an EAA (Evidentiary Affidavit of Abuse). The EAA is an absolutely groundbreaking and game-changer for abused women. It was created by my friend, Susan Murphy-Milano, a true hero to victims of abuse. Susan created this tool in response to the senseless arguments that we've witnessed in the Peterson case. It acts to establish a foundation of truth that is admissible in any court of law should the abuser perpetrate violence upon the victim. What does it accomplish? It eliminates silly arguments over so-called hearsay statements. It brings the truth to light and justice for abuse victims and families.

2. Enlist church leaders~ Leaders in the faith community have a lot of influence in the lives of the people they serve. I've had multiple women come to and share with me the deepest and darkest secrets of their hearts while they have been abused. I'm now educated and strategically equipped to serve abused women. I'm also actively teaching other church leaders and pastors how they, too, can join me in the battle against domestic violence. Rescuing a victim of abuse is beautiful. Shaping a culture through education is game-changing.

3. Keep stories alive~ The media is quick to jump onto sensational stories but unfortunately has a terrible lack of follow-through. Stacy Peterson and Kathleen Savio were in the news for a short time, but they still have not found justice. That is a huge problem, and WE are the solution. We live in a time where each person can have a voice. This is the era of social media and when used skillfully and strategically, we can keep these victims in the minds and hearts of our society, and may even be able to re-define what is important to the mainstream media. After all, FoxNews, CNN, and MSNBC will share what you tell them is important. Tell them that domestic violence and intimate partner homicide is important to you. More importantly, tell them the names of the women whose stories cry out for justice. Write letters, send emails and make phone calls to these news leaders, and tell them that these are the kinds of stories that matter to you. This will keep these stories alive.

This is all just a start and is most certainly not all-inclusive in approach. But if we continue to do what we've done, then we will always get what we've always gotten. Status quo is not good enough. Let's start changing a fatally flawed system!

Peace,

Neil Schori

"Remembering Friends and Family Who Have Gone On"

By Neil Schori

We don't always take time out of our Sunday morning gatherings at my church to honor specific holidays, but we did this past weekend for Memorial Day.  We remembered the sacrifice that many men and women made on our behalf so that we could live in the glorious freedom that we all appreciate here in the United States of America.  Remembering is important, isn't it?  In college for me, it was trying to remember that drinking too much was a bad idea.  Unfortunately, my memory was pretty short back then.  Thankfully, it's a lot better now.

On Memorial Day, my wife's Uncle Bret wrote this on his Facebook wall: "Remembering friends and family who have gone on."  Isn't that simply beautiful?  I don't do that enough because most of the time I'm just trying to keep up with "now."  How about you?  Do you take time to remember the people who have shaped your life?  Do you slow down enough in your fast-paced environment to allow yourself to process things and to actually feel your emotions?  Maybe you need to take a moment to do that right now.

While it is no longer Memorial Day, I still want to take a moment today to remember victims of intimate partner homicide.  I encourage you to do the same.  I thank God that I had the privilege of meeting Stacy Peterson.  She inadvertently directed me toward a path that has given greater definition and an even larger sense of purpose to my life.  Because of Stacy Peterson, my eyes and heart have been forever opened to women who suffer at the hands of the men who should care for them the very most. 

When I think about Stacy and her story, I don't only remember her.  I also think of the countless women out there whom have not yet broken out of their personal darkness.  I hope that today, as you live your life and try to keep motivated through the mundane that you'll also take time to remember.  Martin Luther King, Jr. once wrote: "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."  As I remember victims of intimate partner homicide today, I take what Dr. King said very seriously.  I will continue to pray for justice for Stacy and fight for justice for women everywhere.  You are not alone.

Peace,

Neil

Neil Schori is Pastor of Naperville Christian Church.  You can follow him on his website www.neilschori.com

Resolutions: How Are YOU Doing?

By Neil Schori

So we're about three weeks into this new year and new decade...and I'm wondering how you're doing with sticking to your resolutions.  The crowd at my gym is already thinning out, and I've seen many posts by friends of mine on Facebook and Twitter announcing to the cyber-world that they've already fallen off their diet-wagons.  Resolutions irritate the heck out of me!  Do you know why?  Because I've hardly ever seen anyone follow through to their goals.  They just don't work and I've been told over and over that if the way a person is doing something doesn't work, that the method must change before different results will be seen.

For some people, resolutions don't "really" matter.  And what I mean by that is that the consequences of not following-through for most resolutions are minimal.  But for abused women, our lack of follow-through has dire consequences.  Kathleen Savio may not have died if it weren't for a lack of follow-through.  Stacy Peterson may not have disappeared, either.  So we must change.  We must make a renewed commitment to these women whom are crying out for help.  Our places of worship must be islands of refuge for abused women instead of acting as the seal on a doomed fate.  Our police officers and our courts must be held accountable for abuse of power and to uphold the rights of tragically terrorized and forgotten women.  Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. once said: "He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who perpetrates it.  He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it."  Dr. King believed so much in over-turning deeply entrenched social injustice that he paid for it with his life.

So, today, I want to make my recommitment to abused women in this public forum.  This is greater than a resolution.  It is more than a whim.  It is connected straight to the very heart of God.  

If you are abused and afraid and have no place to turn, you can turn to Naperville Christian Church.  We will not betray you nor will we minimize your problems.  If you allow us the privilege, we will walk alongside you and help you see and find a better way.  We will become friends and family to you.  We will never tell you that you should just go back to your abuser or that if you were a better wife that he wouldn't have hit you.  We will listen to you and we will let you know that you have value and that you are valued.

I am fully dedicated to this cause, but I know that I am NOT enough.  If you are a pastor or leader in a faith community and you are interested in learning about how you can step up and make a difference in the lives of many women, please call me or email me.  It would be my honor to share my passion with you.  Will you join me in this struggle against domestic violence and perhaps even more importantly, for the hearts and lives of these women?

Peace,

Neil Schori
Lead Pastor, NCC
napervillechristian.org
630.983.5600
neil@napervillechristian.org

Exclusive War Coverage: The Murders of Stacy Peterson and Kathleen Savio

By Susan Murphy Milano



In March 1, 2004, there was no media coverage in the silencing of Kathleen Savio whose death was ruled "accidential."


Just blocks away from where Kathleen's body was discovered 2 1/2 years earlier, in October of 2007, another war erupted and Stacy Peterson was taken capitive again by the same predator, and serial abuser, former police Sergeant Drew Peterson.

The front page headlines would name both women in the search for the young wife and mother. Within 3 days the Will County State's Attorney's office would begin the legal process and exhume the body of Kathleen. The cases were now joined at the hip, you could not mention one woman without discussing the other. In Chicago it filled the front page headline's for months. But so did Drew Peterson's sudden thrust into the national spotlight. Within a week, Drew Peterson's was a household name and the two victims in the war of intimate partner homicide were refered and labled as wife #3 and wife #4.

Strangers, friends and family members worked tirelessly to keep the flame burning on each case, in particular because Stacy had vanished more emphasis was placed on finding her and brining her home. A site no longer available "findstacypeterson.com"with membership in the thousands, created by the family and friends of Stacy was the only place where the young wife and mother would be featured and information with updates would run 24/7. Other's sites such as Juror13 and Websleuths also carried round-the-clock coverage. The national media however would discard this young woman's life, including her conversations with Pastor Neil Schori, as though she were invisible. During this time Drew Peterson was reaching millions via Larry King Live, MSNBC, NBC Today, Good Morning America, Greta, Nancy Grace, Jane Valdez-Mitchell, CNN, Anderson Cooper, Bill O'Reilly, Geraldo, John Gibson, CBS Morning Show, Scared Monkey's Radio, NPR News, People Magazine, The National Enquirer among others. Peterson was prancing, smiling while and acting as though he had jumping beans under his chair in the studio's where he was interviewed while surrounded by the bright lights.

Within months the "catch me if you can" theme song would become Peterson's anthem. With words and lyrics compsed by the man of the hour himself. Verses in his song included "Stacy ran away, it's a bright new day, catch me if you can that's all I'm gonna say." The national media played Peterson's words like a hit record for 18 long months until he was finally arrested for the murder of Kathleen Savio.

Now, nearly 3 years after Stacy Peterson vanishes the Chicago Sun-Times decides to play his song again, only this time from behind bars while he awaits trial. Without any regard for the victims of war or their surviving family members. A jounalist by the name of Michael Sneed and the editors of the Chicago Sun-Times punish these two dead women, saying their voices and lives had no significance, printing his words in a letter authored by in my opinion, from the man whom murdered both Kathleen Savio and Stacy Peterson.

I realize the photo's from the crime scene when Kathleen Savio's body was found will likely never be released and kept under seal from the public. For three reasons:

1st-If you saw these particular photo's you would know by viewing them that she was beaten. Brusises covered her back, torso, arms, shoulders, stomach and legs. From the naked eye there was no doubt this was not an accident, Kathleen Savio was murdered.

2nd- The way her body was positioned in the tub is something commonly taught at the police academy, dipicting a staged crime scene.

3rd-Those investigators who looked away by not documenting her murder, thinking they were doing their fellow buddy in blue a favor, caused the killing of yet another innocent victim of war Stacy Peterson.

I for one would like the names of these so called investigators along with former State's Attorney Tomczak to be gathered together for a formal Senate investigation hearing for the "war on intimate partner homicide." I realize it will do nothing to give Stacy Peterson and Kathleen Savio back their lives. But it will do so much to prevent future casualities in this war. Peterson is a social and psychotic nightmare of the worst kind, and we can learn a great deal in talking, reviewing and analyzing what has and hasn't happened since the murders.

"If you are outraged by the Chicago Sun Time and their disregard for the families of Kathleen Savio and Stacy Peterson by making headlines of Drew Peterson's jailhouse letters, do your part and let them know by calling, emailing or faxing. Nothing will change unless action is taken. The columnist, Micheal Sneed and her editor, should know that by making decisions based on headlines and readership instead of integrity and ethics is one of the reasons the public fuels people like Drew Peterson."

Fax number to the Chicago Sun Times is 312-321-3084

Michael Sneeds direct email address is : msneed@suntimes.com

Andrew Hermann, Managing Editor 312-321-3000

Zach Finken, News Editor 312-321-3000

W.T. F. - Can We Please Stop The Bloodshed!

By Susan Murphy-Milano

As I sip my coffee with cream, pecking away on my computer, reading the bloodshed in the headlines, I am split between those whom you will never read about because they got out of their abusive and violent relationships, and those whose permanent residence is now in a cemetery, their violent lives marked by a single headstone tablet coldly displaying the name, date of birth through the date they died.


There are many mothers and their children who are living their lives without violence because they had a plan to get out of their toxic and abusive relationship. Some enlisted an army of friends, neighbors and relatives, others, by shear will and determination, got out, but you will not ever read about them, they are safe. Some packed their bags and made a new life for themselves across country, others did not stray very far from familiar territory and yet were still able to rebuild their lives.

So why are we seeing bloodshed at epidemic proportions? What are those victims who are being killed doing wrong? And what are those who remain alive doing correctly?

Are the women who are murdered along with their children assisted by a society of pure ignorance when it pertains to domestic violence and intimate partner homicide? Look around folks, you cannot pick up a paper or turn on the news without hearing how another woman was murdered by someone they new intimately. You can't help but read nasty comments on the internet, not from strangers, but, often by friends and realtives who knew both the victim and the abuser, trying to defend the actions of a cold blooded killer, and blaming a victim because she filed for divorce or took the children. Has anyone ever asked the question, "why?" Or is it easier to turn our backs and call victims liars or drama queens even after they or their innocent children are murdered? The phrase "shame on you" (I have a different phase more along the lines W.T.F. but I cannot use it here) to all Americans comes to mind especially when I know in 80% of these tragedies the victims did not have to die. They would still be alive if not for human ignorance. I do not have enough posts to list all those who are dead, but, if I did, it would surpass those killed in both the Vietnam and Iraq war combined.

American soldiers are properly trained and given weapons as they fight and go into battle for our country. Victims of violence during their battle are often given little more then lip service from the legal system and society.

For those who got out of the stalking and domestic violence relationships, do not think for one minute they have or had it easy. These victims swallowed their dose of being beaten and raped within an inch of their lives, not knowing from one moment to the next what their abuser or former partner was going to do to them or their children. Somehow they made it through to see a new sunrise the next morning, and many began, after the beatings and verbal threats against them, a plan to exist in their toxic environments with their lives. It was not easy as many of these women who came and tried before them did not make it and let's remember where those victims are, dead. But, many abuse victims who are now alive had help, be it a shelter for women, a church, an attorney who took favor on them representing them in their divorce or custody case for little or no charge. Or in some situations, they were able to get hold of advocates like me.

With all my heart and soul I would like to believe that someone is listening. Someone cares about the number of murders wreaking havoc in America on the lives of innocent victims of violence, not always women, men too, and are ready to be part of a revolution demanding that the victims of this war be given a level playing field to fight and stay alive. I, for one, am tired of singing in a choir where the lives of victims murdered out weighs the millions of Americans' who are able to be a voice and sing loudly for effective change.

Been there, done that…” Susan Murphy- Milano has turned a tired phrase into demonstrable realism through the gift of her newly published book, "TIME'S UP: A GUIDE ON HOW TO LEAVE AND SURVIVE ABUSIVE AND STALKING RELATIONSHIPS

Fair and Balanced News Coverage? I Don't Think So!

By Susan Murphy Milano

Last weekend Oscar winners Halle Berry and Jamie Foxx attended the Jenesse Center’s Silver Rose Gala in Beverly Hills, which works to help families who suffer from domestic violence. Unless you watched TMZ or access Hollywood on television you likely missed the fact that star power was working towards brining awareness to this national epidemic. The event did not appear on CNN , Fox News or any mainstream media.

As we know Intimate partner violence knows no bounds, and this includes those from the gay and lesbian community and men who are also victims. But the hard reality is that 98% of women in a stalking or domestic violence related relationship are the ones who are not only affected, but they are the gender with more headstones in grave yards than those that lost their lives during the Vietnam War.

“It’s important for everyone who has a voice, who has a chance to have global or national spotlight to use that voice for good,” said Halle Berry.

But I liked what Jamie Foxx said as he spoke on what he feels is a double standard in the way some men approach the issue, saying “A lot of times you see the split. You see people try to make excuses for guys’ behavior. And it’s not fair and it’s not right.” The actor nailed it.





We are seeing a double standard in the way the “country” approaches the issue from first responders, judges, the courts turning a deaf ear to the media who often writes what I term the “glorified killer” obituary. That’s when a media related article on the tragedy appears mentioning the person who was killed and goes on to write “what a great person or family man” this bozo was to slaughtered their loved ones. Or if the person suspected of the crime does not commit suicide remaining alive, the media often writes about the alleged killer’s mental state, frame of mind or quotes a family member saying “they are innocent” because the person would do nothing to harm anyone.


Those family members need to wake up and get their head from out of their respective behinds.


A classic example is the case of Sandra Viramontes, 30, of Chicago, who was beaten and bruised covering 90 percent of her body. No one could say for sure how many hours she was unconscious before her mother received a call from her son-in-law saying her daughter needed medical attention back in January of 2010.

When the mother walked in to her daughter’s home Luis Viramontes, the son-in-law was gone in his place a relative who stood by and did nothing until the mother shouted to call 911. But it was too late.

At the hospital a trauma doctor informed the family “they had never seen anybody get a beating like that before.” Sandra’s had been beaten and bruised over 90 percent of her body. After the doctors ran tests the family was told her injuries were not survivable and two weeks later while in her mother’s she was taken off life support.

My question is how the hell was this bozo allowed bail in the first place? Her condition was critical and she was not going to survive her injuries. Maybe the judge who set his bond did not consider Luis, "oh so gentle" as dangerous.

This is a classic case of senseless and ignorant denial. It makes my skin crawl when I read comments made by members or friends of a killer’s family, “he always been real gentle.” Another comment as if to set the tone when this case goes to trial, “Luis couldn’t sleep or he cried nonstop.” Was this before during and after the beating? Or was it only when this cowardly individual realized he’d better have a few witnesses to testify as to his acting out the part of showing remorse for murdering his wife and the mother of his two young children? He probably thought it all out and carefully deciding what he would tell the person who will represent him that he lost control or it was an accident he had no intention of hurting her. The defense attorney will respond something like “I’ll talk to the State and see if we can get the charges reduced to manslaughter or second degree murder. Or maybe he’ll get his client a deal. You know so he will not have to spend the rest of his life in prison.
Part of the solution is for families, even those of the person committing the violence to speak up and step to the plate when they sense or know a family member is hurting a loved one. Another important component to this epidemic is for the mainstream media to report these incidents of violence and bloodshed with the same fire power they cover politics issues that affect everyday Americans’.

It is then, that we will have a level playing field for everyone affected by intimate partner violence to understand the cause, the solution and possibly the ability to prevent the bloodshed because the issue is out in the forefront. Instead of hiding this epidemic behind closed doors swept under the rug no different than those whom are suffering and entering cemeteries in silence.


"Been there, done that…” Susan Murphy- Milano has turned a tired phrase into demonstrable realism through the gift of her newly published book, "TIME'S UP: A GUIDE ON HOW TO LEAVE AND SURVIVE ABUSIVE AND STALKING RELATIONSHIPS"