The Magical Illusion of Christmas

By Susan Murphy Milano

(originally posted December, 2010)

Every year my mother made a big deal about Christmas from planning out what color to make the eyes on the gingerbread cookies, to the day she, my brother, and myself would go downtown to Marshall Fields department store for our annual Santa visit and photo. The bright lights and holiday decorations lining downtown store windows and street lamps always made me forget, if only for a moment, our lives were anything but bright and hopeful.

I have to give my mother credit, as difficult as our daily fight for survival was, she did the best she could to create happy memories for us. Sometimes, the holiday did not turn out as planned and we ended up on Christmas morning in the emergency room as she received medical attention from injuries caused by my father. My little brother and I viewed stuffing every pocket in our coat and pants with candy canes while at the hospital as a cool thing. Instead of opening presents, like we watched in movies, we went back to the house with a cup of hot chocolate and whip cream prepared with love.

Hope was always a magical illusion, it did not matter if it was Christmas or not. The days and months always felt as if they were all lumped in to a never ending road of unpredictable behavior by a man authorized with a gun and a badge to protect the streets of Chicago, while hiding behind the closed door of our home like a coward, only to terrorize and harm his own family. In our house you told time by the changing of seasons and what you needed to wear before heading out the door. During the holidays it was the one time of year that I didn't wish anything from the Sears catalog that would arrive sometime after Thanksgiving. If Santa was real, then just maybe he would find us a nice safe place like I remembered watching in the movie Miracle on 34th Street, where we could hang our stockings and live happily, with my brother and mom, far away from my father, forever.

Growing up, my brother and I never really counted on much and making plans for anything was wishful thinking. More than fifty years later, I have no closure, just an acceptance of the violent events that would eventually hijack my mothers life. The last memory of her is 10 feet away from the oven where we baked Christmas cookies, throughout the kitchen her blood spilled over onto the once bright yellow pattern on the floor tiles where my brother and I once sat anxiously waiting for the Christmas cookies to finish baking. In the bedroom a couple hundred feet away, dead from a self inflicted gun shot, my father, who had taken from me the only love I knew, my mother. Although not visible to the human eye, there is a tattoo etched deep inside of me, a permanent scar from a battle I would rather forget.

The effects of the violence would follow me into my own world as an adult, a secret I kept hidden from friends, colleagues and relationships. Suddenly, my secret was out, unwillingly I was a victim and a survivor of a life I did not ask for nor chose as my life's journey. In 1988, my parents divorced and the holidays were around the corner. My mother and I spent the Christmas holidays together, the first without my father and the last one without my mother. I rang in the new year with a feeling of hope that we could finally move forward with our lives.

Abruptly, in 1989, after their deaths, I left a successful business career for a world that provided little, if any, hope and assistance to abuse victims and their children.

I did not realize when I began working with victims of intimate partner abuse, my world would be an important life raft for safety in keeping others alive. Over a decade of running a national agency and providing direct services, I began to incorporate strategies like no other in the country, as the agencies were not familiar with the battleground I knew intimately. Service providers and agencies were layered by politics and paperwork with government forms and numbers instead of thinking outside the box, a box that never belonged there in the first place if lives were to be saved.

This rigid box of "rules and restrictions" are what often kicks the safety and services of a victim to the streets and back to the violence. Yes, a woman returns to the abuser numerous times before she leaves but its also because the family courts and services are either limited or dysfunctional. And all too often it is based on income she makes too much, too little or there is not enough funding available for what is required. Ironically, the funding issues in my world were never an obstacle in keeping victims alive. With little or no resources, each person I assisted did not die. Instead, they moved forward with their lives, most went back to school to obtain degrees others found paying jobs as the sole support of the household turning their lives around minus the threat of violence. I think it was because I took the time with them, something I noticed from the begining that was not happening when a victim reached out for help.

I learned from being in the trenches and providing hands on services combined with making time to explain to victims-- meant the difference between life and death. I would go beyond the sterile basic information and red tape of guidlelines set by funders and various government agencies, people who were and continue to do so today, more concerned with tabulating stats of human lives that amounted to nothing more then entering useless garbage into a data base that had nothing to do with safety or leaving and never returning to the abuse or the system for help. One cannot effectively assist a victim of intimate partner by sitting behind a desk when they have never left the comfort of their offices, when they have never been inside the real world of sheer terror and violence that victims endure daily. Often placing victims in something labeled a shelter, government funded that does not in many ways meet the needs of victims. As I have always said like our own DNA no two cases of abuse are alike.

The days of placing a bandage on intimate partner violence, as though it were a boo-boo, are over. When a system does what it has always done, the results will be the same. It did not work out for women like my mother, unable to speak today, because they were silenced in the prime of their lives, murdered in cold blood.

As we enter the year 2011, know that the death toll across the country for those who lose their lives because of intimate partner violence does not have to be a predictable outcome in some hardwired data base, ultimately marked by a cemetary headstone as in years past. A child no longer has to acompany their mother to the emergency room on Christmas morning filling their pockets with candy canes in a cold waiting room as the doctors stich their mothers head or set a broken limb and sent back out into uncertainty and fear that the next time they might not be so lucky.

In the new year I would like everyone who reads this to join me in ending the abuse. How, you ask? Each time a news story about a victim who was killed comes across your facebook page or you read about a case in the Huffington post, AOL News, Google, Newsvine, USA Today, the Examiner, The Washington Post, New York Times or see it on Nancy Grace, Fox News, Good Morning America, MSNBC, the Oprah Show, Dr. Phil, NPR Radio or any number of news programs send them a brief paragraph about the book Time's Up and that these cases no longer have to be tragic. That women such as Susan Powell, Stacy Peterson, Vensus Stewart, Angel Downs, Renee' Pernice, Kathleen Savio and others if killed their words will speak from the grave in a court a court of law. The person responsible will be arrested.

The upside is that this book saves lives. The mothers, sisters, girlfriends and children currently living in fear who live in harms way each and every day need this book the most. It is up to us to see that the information and knowledge is in their hands.

And to ensure every domestic violence agency, court building, library, church, community center, hospital, business and school has a copy of the book Time's Up: A Guide on How to leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships. And for a domestic violence provider, social worker, first responder, government agency, school, business or individual who says that cannot afford it? You can not afford not too!

Time's UP !!!

From the site www.victimadvocates.blogspot.com:

Susan’s writing is based on doing. It is based on the irrefutable credential of experience, both as a residual victim of interpersonal violence and a tireless advocate for others who suffer. This book is born from working in the trenches for twenty years and the necessity of crafting working solutions to help ensure individual safety from batters and stalkers.

TIMES UP is a comprehensive guide for women in danger. Every advocate owes it to those they work to assist to obtain this book.The contents provide specific steps towards safety and addresses issues that a person who is stressed and in fear may not think of. This guide can provide structure in the midst of chaos.

Among the tools and forms is the original idea of an “Abuse Affidavit”, a sworn statement detailing the facts of an individual’s victimization, preserving the specifics so they are not lost even if the victim is. It is difficult to think about speaking from the grave but no different than any life insurance policy obtained in consideration for those left behind.

An “Abuse Affidavit” has the additional psychological benefit of being forced face reality and admit that the potential for the ultimate kind of violence exists…and that if it occurs the perpetrator will be held accountable.

Purchase and read TIMES UP as an advocate to continue to learn and practice informed advocacy. Give TIMES UP to concerned friends or family members looking for solutions for a loved one who is in danger. Most of all, find a way to share this valuable guide with the domestic violence and stalking victims you know and work with. It has all the information and tools to empower a crime victim to save her own life.......Diane Fanning, Author

Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is an expert on intimate partner violence and homicide crimes. For more information visithttp://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/ She is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and wherever books are sold.

Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on Here Women Talk http://www.herewomentalk.com/ and is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr. Laurie Roth http://www.therothshow.com/

Murder That Demands Justice: Children of Susan Cox Powell

By Heidi Hiatt

http://blog.thenewstribune.com/crime/2012/02/05/2-killed-in-graham-area-house-fire/

This is sick. Just sick. Two beautiful little boys who had already lost their mom died today in a fiery explosion in Graham, Washington– which authorities say was started by their father.

I’ll review the basic facts of the case in a moment, but want to note that the first question that came to mind. Why did the Pierce County judge that denied Josh Powell custody of his children four days ago and ordered a psychosexual evaluation give him supervised visits at his home? From the little I know so far, it seems that the parameters set by the court allowed this particular kind of horror to happen.

In late 2009, Susan Cox Powell disappeared. She was reported missing, and when her husband, Josh Powell, was asked to account for his whereabouts, he offered a very suspicious alibi. He claimed to have taken their two tiny sons into a remote, snowy area on a camping trip– in freezing temperatures at midnight. Braden and Charlie were two and four years old. Susan had already talked to family members about leaving the marriage.

Not long after, Josh Powell moved himself and their sons into his father’s Puyallup home. It wouldn’t be until much later, September 2011, that Steven Powell, a Department of Corrections employee, was arrested on child porn charges and videotaping Susan Powell without her consent. Around that time, Steven made claims that Susan had sexual contact with him, and my suspicion of both father and son deepened. A friend of Steven’s told the police that Steven was clearly obsessed with Susan. The police in Utah considered Josh uncooperative.

Just before Steven’s arrest, Utah authorities had searched for Susan’s remains in the Nevada desert and searched the home that Josh and Steven Powell shared. But it wasn’t until after Steven’s arrest that Susan’s parents gained temporary custody of Charlie and Braden. I remember feeling incredulous that their father had been a person of interest all along, but they had been allowed to remain with him for almost two years. It seemed crazy that the boys hadn’t been removed for their own safety much, much earlier.

Since Charlie and Braden have been with Susan’s parents, Chuck and Judy Cox, I thought they would be somewhat protected physically. I didn’t realize that Josh Powell could have three hour-long supervised visits at his home. Common sense would dictate that visitation with a person of interest in a suspicious disappearance would happen in a neutral location where the children were less likely to be harmed or taken. While an unbalanced person could always show up with a weapon anyway, a neutral location could lessen territorial feelings.

Even though father’s rights groups will argue with me on this one, I question if, given how close Utah authorities have claimed to be to finding answers in Susan’s disappearance, Josh Powell should have been allowed visitation at all. He was in the hot seat, involved in a heated custody battle with his in-laws, and his kids might have known something incriminating.

This leads me to the larger issue of abusers and possible murderers having custody of or access to their children in spite of open investigations. Kids are left in harm’s way all the time, courts reluctant to remove them from the suspect parent until an alleged crime can be proven. Children are witnesses that an abuser or murderer has regular access to. Other types of witnesses are often protected.

The sickening murders of Charlie and Braden Powell are exactly why you don’t even give the suspect parent a chance to exert their control issues and harm the children. It is also why psychological evaluations– and domestic violence evaluations– should be done BEFORE child custody issues are ever addressed. Custody and visitation should not be awarded before we have a better understanding of the parent’s potential to hurt the kids.

Far too often, courts think of domestic violence and/or criminal issues as separate from child custody issues, and they are not separate. Not at all. Someone who is suspected of harming their spouse is capable of hurting the children as well, especially when they have lost some degree of control over the children. One of my catch phrases is “they may not want you, but they still want control over you.” Power and control are at the root of abuse, rape, and murder, and so far it’s sounding like Josh Powell would not let anyone else have control of his kids if he couldn’t.

An aspect of this case that is really eating at me right now is how Josh Powell portrayed himself as the victim, especially after Susan’s parents took the kids. He told people how his in-laws were turning the kids against him, as if he’d done nothing detrimental to the children already.

Powell had set up his own website about Susan’s disappearance and it seems to be more about him than her: http://susanpowell.org/Home. One of the statements on this site that sticks out claims that Susan can’t come back until the adverse conditions created by her family resolve:

At this point, Susan Powell’s family believes very strongly that the ongoing rhetoric of the Cox “Friends and Family” is having a tragic effect on Susan’s emotional well-being as well as Josh’s. Susan knows that she cannot return without having people of the same mentality as the Cox “Friends and Family” turn on her. As difficult as it has been for Josh to cope with this, we believe that in Susan’s emotional state she will not be able to face it.

If Powell is found to be responsible for his wife’s murder, his behavior and statements fit the type of personality who would do such a thing. I call this the O.J. Complex– nothing is their fault, they’re the victim, everyone else is making life hard for them and telling lies.

After Susan’s disappearance, Josh would make the strangest comments about her and her possible murder. According to the Deseret News, a family friend had been worried about him doing something drastic ever since he took the boys to Washington. As this case unfolds, we will probably hear more people come forward and present information that should have been red flags to the court system.

People have already made the comment that Powell “just snapped.” People don’t just snap. We can almost always look back and see how the suspect was dissatisfied with things in their life that led them to commit such an atrocity. There is usually a series of events that could have functioned as predictors of violent behavior. I’ve discussed this bread crumb trail in a previous post,http://wildninja.wordpress.com/?s=red+flags+before+a+killing+spree. Was the bread crumb trail considered before Powell was allowed to see Braden and Charlie at his home?

It seems very dangerous for the court to have allowed visitation on Powell’s home turf. Yes, a CPS worker was sent along to supervise. But in this case he locked her out of the house, and while she was dialing for help as she smelled gas, the house exploded. I’m just astounded that today is February 5th and Powell was just denied custody on February 1st, yet the boys were allowed to be at his house. Did it occur to anyone that him losing control of his kids, also possible murder witnesses, could be a trigger?

When you’re dealing with this type, that’s like rubbing salt in the wound. It’s giving them a brief taste of what they just lost, reminding them of what, in their minds, has been taken from them while the children are at their mercy. Obviously this was a premeditated crime, and it sounds like it was set up as a powerful statement to the world that, “if I can’t have the boys, no one can.” This is not someone who was concerned with his sons first and foremost. This is an act of immense selfishness and the kids were just pawns in his game.

Sometimes people ask me why we have so many crimes of this magnitude in Washington State and one reason is that our courts can be soft on violent people. Josh Powell had not been convicted of anything, but he was the subject of an ongoing investigation that is likely to end with the discovery of a victim. He exhibited a pattern of behavior that should have clued authorities into the fact that he could do something like this. I’m not saying they could have predicted it, but I understand why the Coxes fought tooth and nail to retain custody of their grandsons. There were a lot of warning signs and that O.J.-like narcissism– they saw it.

I would understand more if a father distraught over losing custody of his children killed himself. But Powell appeared so desperate to retain control that he was willing to blow his own children up so no one else could have them. I can’t see it as an act of irrational desperation. It’s premeditated murder. Just before the house exploded, Powell had emailed his attorney and said, “I’m sorry, goodbye.” Other emails are coming to light as well.

The friends and family of both Susan Cox Powell and Josh Powell need our prayers. Perhaps this situation can be used to save other lives– that it will lead to reform in our court system so that custody will not be awarded without proper psychological and domestic violence evaluations being done first. We should consider that a threat to one parent is also a threat to the children.

I know that some consider these evaluations to be a violation of our constitutional rights and I’ve heard people say that “Josh Powell wasn’t a suspect in the abuse of his children.” Their mother was missing and he was a person of interest– shouldn’t that be enough? What greater danger is there to a child than a parent being suspected of taking a family member’s life? Even if you don’t believe in using such evaluations in most cases, wouldn’t this be the ideal type of case to use them in, an exception?

Isn’t this a situation in which you want a family violence expert trained in that area to assess the parent, not a regular CPS worker or psychologist? Please note that working in social services or psychology does not mean that you have a working understanding of or specialized training in family violence. Additionally, I would note that sometimes the most sinister criminals among us are those who can get away with their crimes and never be charged with them.

As I look at the smoldering shell of what used to be a house on the news, I think about what Charlie and Braden were thinking when their dad jerked them inside and set that fire. Authorities are not expressing any doubt that the fire was deliberately set. They’re calling it murder. One law enforcement officer made the comment that the interior of the house looked staged, as if to portray Josh Powell as a caring husband and father.

I hope that in light of this event law enforcement officers will renew their efforts to find Susan and provide her family with closure. I’d sure like to know more about why Josh or Steven Powell hasn’t been charged in connection with Susan’s disappearance already, but let’s hope they can make it happen now. Josh Powell is at minimum responsible for the murder of his sons, and while some may argue that intense public scrutiny drove him to do it, if he loved his sons more than himself he wouldn’t have killed them.

To the two brave boys who endured so much pain in their brief time on earth, I am so sorry that you were hurt and your lives were taken from you. My heart aches for your family and the many people who love you. I know that you are with your heavenly Father now and will never feel pain again. Your family surely knows that you are safe in His arms and I hope they also take comfort in the fact that justice will come for your mother soon. A tragedy of this magnitude demands nothing less than swift resolution of her case.


Update, 2/6/12: KCPQ is reporting that Charlie and Braden Powell died of axe or hatchet chops to the neck and carbon monoxide poisoning,http://www.q13fox.com/news/kcpq-fiery-explosion-believed-to-have-killed-josh-powell-and-his-2-young-sons-20120205,0,7485907.story. Powell evidently grabbed them and pulled them inside before the social worker could get to the door. Given that she said that just seconds passed before the house exploded, he must have attacked the boys as soon as the door closed.

More evidence has surfaced that the murders were premeditated, including that Josh Powell had prepared over the weekend by donating some of the boys’ toys to charity. He’d also sent emails to people instructing them on what to do after he was dead. Two five-gallon cans of gasoline were found in the house. Chuck Cox has said that Powell thought of the boys as property and that the boys didn’t want to go visit him on Sunday.


The Susan Cox Powell Foundation Facebook page is athttp://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Susan-Cox-Powell-Foundation/235316293180751#!/pages/The-Susan-Cox-Powell-Foundation/235316293180751?sk=wall&filter=1. The foundation website is athttp://susancoxpowellfoundation.org/Home.aspx.

Heidi Hiatt, MA recently graduated as a Forensic Psychologist.  You can read more of her posts at her personal blog, Truth, Justice, and All-American Allergen-Free Apple Pie Straight Talk in a Crooked World

Where is Our Mommy? Mother Vanishes: Melissa McVay Darling

By Diana May-Waldman

 Sulfur Springs Texas- Melissa McVay Darling went missing on June 9,2001 and some people don’t think she is worth finding. Some think she is a societal throw away and that bothers me.

While the Internet has become am extremely valuable tool to aid in the awareness of the missing, it has become a double edged sword when people can post anonymous comments and opinions about the missing.

Some of the comments suggest that the missing mother of two children isn’t worth looking for, because she had an alleged drug problem. That muddies the water and veers people away from what is important. Melissa McVay Darling is missing and is nowhere to be found.

Who decides who is worth looking for and who isn’t? Doesn’t every missing person deserve to be found? And isn’t every missing person somebodies loved one? What gives anyone the right to place value on another person?

I have taught my own children not to judge others, because we never really know what another carries in their heart.

Whether Melissa had a drug problem or not, it is not for me to say–but I will say that regardless of her lifestyle choices, she is one of our sisters and deserves to be found. To those making the negative comments, shut the hell up and put your energy into something positive. Shame on you for taking a bad situation and making it worse. Shame on your for hindering an investigation of a missing woman that can’t be found or speak for herself right now.

Here is a comment from the Topix forum: “What is annoying is that the family knows shes a worthless crack head and they are dragging the public into this “search”. Don’t waste our time…it’s obvious how few people showed up to the stupid prayer vigil last week because everyone else knows shes a loser out partying.”

Her family has reported her missing. And what if she is NOT out partying? What if she is lying dead somewhere, after being beaten and raped? I would hope that is not the case, but what if? That same kind of comment is right up there with saying that because a woman dressed a certain way she was asking to be assaulted.

SHUT YOUR IGNORANT BACK STABBING ASS UP. It is this EXACT mentality that keeps people in narrow columns of worthy and unworthy. It is this exact kind of comment that keeps women down, instead of picking them up.

So with that said, let’s get down to business and stick to the FACTS and find this mother.

Melissa McVay Darling is missing and her family and friends want answers. She was last seen in her hometown, of Sulphur Springs, Texas, when she dropped her daughters off at her father’s house on June 9, 2011.

Police have stated that they have video tape from the Choctaw Casino early the next morning of Melissa. The tape reveals that she was accompanied with a man by the name of Jeremy Blake Upchurch. He is now listed as a person of interest.

Melissa’s truck was found near Hugo Lake in Oklahoma. It was locked and had two flat tires.

Name: Melissa Ann Darling
AKA: Melissa Ann Mcvay
Case Number: M1106008
Case Type: Other
Last Seen in: Grant, OK (Choctaw County)
Last Seen on: 6/10/2011
Height: 5′ 8 ” Weight: 190 lbs.
Date of Birth: 6/16/1977 Age Missing: 34
Eye Color: Green Hair Color: Blonde
Race: White Sex: Female
State Missing From: Texas
Country Missing From: USA

Last seen wearing watch on left wrist. Has a tattoo of a dolphin on her back and a scar on her abdomen. Hangs out at the Choctaw Casino/Resort in Oklahoma.

Anyone with information about Melissa McVay Darling or where she might be is urged to contact Sulphur Springs Police Department, 903-885-7602, or the nearest law enforcement agency.

WEBSITE: http://bringmelissahome.com/
Texas Missing Persons Clearinghouse Online Bulletin
http://www.txdps.state.tx.us/
Case #M1106008

Diana May-Waldman- Bureau Editor for Worldwide Hippies in Rochester NY. Diana is the author of A Woman’s Song. Her poetry in this book deals with the struggles facing all women and the many facets of being a woman in the world today. She is a strong women’s and children’s advocate. A true example of the Hippie movements continuing growth and sprit. Diana’s activism is an inspiration to many.http://www.facebook.com/profile

Empty Chairs

By Anne Peterson

Holidays are stressful. While stress is normal part of life, somehow holidays seem to magnify our feelings. Part of this is due to expectations we have around the holidays. The images we see seem to exacerbate this.

Most commercials show a perfectly decorated house with everyone in the scene smiling. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy getting together with family and friends, but the pictures we see are not always accurate.

They don’t show some members who are not speaking to each other, or the hurt feelings because of those who decided not to come. Pictures are chosen to convey messages they want to convey.

Pictures sometimes lie. We have all taken pictures where smiles magically appear when someone yells, “Cheese.”

Holidays are difficult when you’ve lost a loved one. Even getting together with family is bittersweet. It’s great to see family, but also a reminder of those who are no longer here.

So how can we get through the holidays without white-knuckling it? Is is possible to enjoy our times together when we see the empty chairs?

I am here to say it is possible. That’s not to say it’s easy, but it is possible.

The truth is, we will miss our loved ones. It’s especially difficult if their death was abrupt. Then in addition to the loss we are dealing with the unfairness of it all.

I’ve heard it said, “So and so would not want you to be sad, they would want you to enjoy your life.”

And that’s probably true, but there is also something called survivor guilt. It’s when we feel guilty because we are here and our loved ones are gone. There’s this part of us that feels if we enjoy our lives maybe it means we didn’t value them. That we didn’t love them.

That is NOT true. My decision to enjoy my life does not translate into my not caring about my lost loved one.

Sometimes people who are grieving find doing the traditional celebrating too hard. So instead, they opt for a different kind of celebration. That’s fine.

Others find there is something calming about keeping the traditions going even though they do feel fractured. There isn’t just one way, you have to find what works for you.

Years ago I was given a copy of a booklet entitled “Handling the Holidays.” It is a compilation of true stories and practical choices written and complied by Bruce H. Conley & Karen L. Howard by Conley Outreach Publications. In it are many helpful suggestions. You can go to their website www.conleypublications.com where you’ll find other resources as well.

I know of people who travel when the holidays come creating new memories for faded ones. Whatever works.

One helpful thing I’ve found is giving myself permission to feel what I feel. If I’m in a nostalgic mood and want to reminisce about days gone by with everyone there, then that’s what I do. I allow myself to be human. This works so much better than trying to suppress my sadness when it starts to come. Our feelings grow when we refuse to acknowledge them, they don’t just go away.

I miss the loved ones I’ve lost. That’s the truth.

Holidays are the loneliest times for some people who are just “hanging on,” hoping to make it through another one.

If you are grieving, one thing you can do around the holidays is pick something your loved one liked to do and do it with someone else in their memory. Something like shopping or enjoying a cup of tea in a special place. A friend of mine will make her relative’s favorite meal for Christmas.

It’s important to be kind to yourself. If a particular day will be difficult then try to ease up on other things. Grieving takes a lot of energy and can deplete us. So try and do something that gives you energy.

The holidays are sometimes hard, but there are things you can do to make them more enjoyable. And as the years pass by, you’ll see they start to get a little easier.

I remember when I made the conscious decision to lighten my load. I was grieving a great loss, but I was still making myself do all the things I had done in the past, like baking and shopping. Finally, I read how grieving takes our energy and I realized I was making everything harder. The article suggested simplifying things, doing the essentials and a couple of things I chose to do.

I felt a burden lifted. That year I didn’t bake a ton of cookies, the shopping was shared as well as the decorating. And I found it really helped. Was I sad? Yes, but I was still able to have a really nice Christmas and reserve some energy.

When people lose their loved ones they are left with empty chairs. I pray even with your empty chairs you will have a holiday season that’s full of warmth and love surrounded by those you love.

Exclusive War Coverage: The Murders of Stacy Peterson and Kathleen Savio

By Susan Murphy Milano



In March 1, 2004, there was no media coverage in the silencing of Kathleen Savio whose death was ruled "accidential."


Just blocks away from where Kathleen's body was discovered 2 1/2 years earlier, in October of 2007, another war erupted and Stacy Peterson was taken capitive again by the same predator, and serial abuser, former police Sergeant Drew Peterson.

The front page headlines would name both women in the search for the young wife and mother. Within 3 days the Will County State's Attorney's office would begin the legal process and exhume the body of Kathleen. The cases were now joined at the hip, you could not mention one woman without discussing the other. In Chicago it filled the front page headline's for months. But so did Drew Peterson's sudden thrust into the national spotlight. Within a week, Drew Peterson's was a household name and the two victims in the war of intimate partner homicide were refered and labled as wife #3 and wife #4.

Strangers, friends and family members worked tirelessly to keep the flame burning on each case, in particular because Stacy had vanished more emphasis was placed on finding her and brining her home. A site no longer available "findstacypeterson.com"with membership in the thousands, created by the family and friends of Stacy was the only place where the young wife and mother would be featured and information with updates would run 24/7. Other's sites such as Juror13 and Websleuths also carried round-the-clock coverage. The national media however would discard this young woman's life, including her conversations with Pastor Neil Schori, as though she were invisible. During this time Drew Peterson was reaching millions via Larry King Live, MSNBC, NBC Today, Good Morning America, Greta, Nancy Grace, Jane Valdez-Mitchell, CNN, Anderson Cooper, Bill O'Reilly, Geraldo, John Gibson, CBS Morning Show, Scared Monkey's Radio, NPR News, People Magazine, The National Enquirer among others. Peterson was prancing, smiling while and acting as though he had jumping beans under his chair in the studio's where he was interviewed while surrounded by the bright lights.

Within months the "catch me if you can" theme song would become Peterson's anthem. With words and lyrics compsed by the man of the hour himself. Verses in his song included "Stacy ran away, it's a bright new day, catch me if you can that's all I'm gonna say." The national media played Peterson's words like a hit record for 18 long months until he was finally arrested for the murder of Kathleen Savio.

Now, nearly 3 years after Stacy Peterson vanishes the Chicago Sun-Times decides to play his song again, only this time from behind bars while he awaits trial. Without any regard for the victims of war or their surviving family members. A jounalist by the name of Michael Sneed and the editors of the Chicago Sun-Times punish these two dead women, saying their voices and lives had no significance, printing his words in a letter authored by in my opinion, from the man whom murdered both Kathleen Savio and Stacy Peterson.

I realize the photo's from the crime scene when Kathleen Savio's body was found will likely never be released and kept under seal from the public. For three reasons:

1st-If you saw these particular photo's you would know by viewing them that she was beaten. Brusises covered her back, torso, arms, shoulders, stomach and legs. From the naked eye there was no doubt this was not an accident, Kathleen Savio was murdered.

2nd- The way her body was positioned in the tub is something commonly taught at the police academy, dipicting a staged crime scene.

3rd-Those investigators who looked away by not documenting her murder, thinking they were doing their fellow buddy in blue a favor, caused the killing of yet another innocent victim of war Stacy Peterson.

I for one would like the names of these so called investigators along with former State's Attorney Tomczak to be gathered together for a formal Senate investigation hearing for the "war on intimate partner homicide." I realize it will do nothing to give Stacy Peterson and Kathleen Savio back their lives. But it will do so much to prevent future casualities in this war. Peterson is a social and psychotic nightmare of the worst kind, and we can learn a great deal in talking, reviewing and analyzing what has and hasn't happened since the murders.

"If you are outraged by the Chicago Sun Time and their disregard for the families of Kathleen Savio and Stacy Peterson by making headlines of Drew Peterson's jailhouse letters, do your part and let them know by calling, emailing or faxing. Nothing will change unless action is taken. The columnist, Micheal Sneed and her editor, should know that by making decisions based on headlines and readership instead of integrity and ethics is one of the reasons the public fuels people like Drew Peterson."

Fax number to the Chicago Sun Times is 312-321-3084

Michael Sneeds direct email address is : msneed@suntimes.com

Andrew Hermann, Managing Editor 312-321-3000

Zach Finken, News Editor 312-321-3000

What happened to Sarah Rogers? Was Foul Play Involved?

By Cynthia Caron

Sarah Rogers, 29, a talented artist and musician left her home in Barrington, NH in a frantic state on a cold snowy morning on December 13, 2010. 

Sarah, a loving wife and devoted mother to her toddler son suffers from a bipolar-schizophrenic condition.  Sarah discontinued her medications three weeks prior to her disappearance as she felt they inhibited her painting abilities.  She not only has exceptional artist abilities but also is a talented musician.   Her paintings have sold in various areas of the country.  Sarah also possesses a musical talent, both as a guitar player, singer and writer.  A very talented young mother, she has sung in coffee shops and has written her own music.  Playing the guitar and singing to her young son was a common occurrence in her household.  Sarah has aspirations to obtain a degree in music.  Until Sarah returns, the home she shares with her husband and toddler son has become solemn and the music has stopped.  Her unfinished paintings sit by the wayside and her hung paintings are reminders of her love and passion and the terrible sadness of her missing from her home. Sarah’s young son, Elias, holds his toy car keys, along with her purse, on his arm and runs to the door throughout the day as if to indicate he is ready to go and search for his mommy himself.

Sarah did not leave her husband and child willingly or with purpose.  She ran from whatever fear, paranoia and emotional duress that her mind was going through during a frenzied state.  A state of mind that she had no control over.  On the morning of December 13th family members were visiting and along with Sarah’s husband tried to calm her.  Her husband phoned 911 and at that point Sarah feared being hospitalized and ran out  the door and drove off into the cold wintry weather wearing only a light jacket, tank top, shorts and dress shoes without socks.  She had no cell phone with her.

Nobody knows if Sarah made any stops during the day or where she was headed.  All that is known is that Sarah ended up a full 2 ½ hours away from her warm and comfortable NH home and was in Maine.  According to records, it appears Sarah was driving endlessly and without a sense of direction or plan.  Due to a video camera stationed on the turnpike toll areas,  it was found that Sarah drove through the Maine I95 turnpike in circles.  Going northbound on I95 for a long period of time and then going southbound.  She would then go back again through the northbound I95 lanes.  The cameras snapped photographs of her license plate and the times recorded as she went through the Fast Lane without an EZ Pass.  Sarah had a couple hundred dollars in her wallet and easily could have driven through the pay booths, however, her frame of mind was manic.  Sometime between 5:30 pm and 6:10 pm, while the snow was falling fast,  Sarah lost control of her vehicle and ran off the highway.  In the meantime, after reporting her missing to the police, her family waited anxiously and worriedly for her return.  Her father stood by his telephone in Florida hoping to receive the call that she was located and safe.  Her mother, and sister, numb with fear, waited the same.  Her toddler son played with his toys, unknown to the circumstances and confused by the worried looks of his father and grandmother.  Sarah did not return.

Sarah’s vehicle, a Scion, was discovered at 6:15 p.m. by a passing tow truck driver on Maine I95 North near the 140.5 mile marker shortly before Clinton, Maine.  Sarah was nowhere in sight.  Her vehicle was in gear, the engine running and the keys in the ignition.  30 feet from her vehicle was her backpack/purse with two wallets missing.  Did anyone happen upon Sarah or her vehicle?  Did someone flag Sarah down to help her? Did anyone see this young mother in summer attire fleeing from her vehicle in the snow? 

Maine State Troopers saw footprints which led from the vehicle across the median onto the southbound I95 highway and stopped.  Footprints were not made going into woods on either side.  By all indications Sarah obtained a ride from somebody driving south bound on I95.  Who gave Sarah a ride?    Did Sarah meet up with a dreadful unsavory person who may have harmed her?  Or was it a good Samaritan? If a good Samaritan helped Sarah, why haven’t they come forward?

Nearly 12 weeks have gone by with no sign of Sarah.  Her credit cards in her wallet have never been used.  Is Sarah wandering the streets in some unknown city with the homeless?  Has someone provided Sarah with shelter? Has she suffered memory loss or in a serious state of paranoia or even catatonic? Is she wandering the streets and  avoiding public contact due to her fears and delusions? Did she leave her wallets behind and a passerby happened upon her stalled vehicle and rummaged through her purse and took her wallets throwing her backpack/purse into the snow?  Or did Sarah herself grab her wallets and flung her back/pack purse into the snow? Who gave Sarah a ride? Where was she dropped off?  These are questions the family have asked over and again each day to themselves.  In the meantime, a child cries for his mother, a husband is tormented with fears, a mother and sister numb and on pins and needles and a father feeling helpless, worried and distressed. 

Can you help? Do you have information that can help the family towards their search for Sarah?

Who has information on what happened to Sarah Rogers? A reward of $5,000 has been established for information leading to locating Sarah and her safe return. Please see www.findsarahrogers.com for more detailed information and various photographs.  Anonymous tips can be submitted by calling (800) 422-0944, or the Maine State Police at (800) 452-4664.




UPDATE ON SARAH ROGERS 3/13/2010


http://www.wabi.tv/news/10606/body-of-missing-new-hampshire-woman-found-in-clinton

Body of Missing New Hampshire Woman found in Clinton

by Meghan Hayward · Mar 14th 2010 

The body of a missing New Hampshire woman was found Saturday afternoon in Clinton.

Maine State Police say the body of 29-year-old Sarah Rogers of Barrington, New Hampshire was found a short distance from where her abandoned car was found on I-95 in December.

Police say the body was found by nearby neighbors who were looking on their property for any signs of the missing woman.

The body was located off the southbound lane of the interstate, near the Mutton Lane overpass.

They say there were no signs of foul play, but the cause of death will await an autopsy scheduled for Monday.