Gone Too Soon

The tragic loss of Ari kept me awake nearly all last night. Not good when I have a very long day of travels...finally, upon my own reflection of his passing....I cannot help but be confirmed that there is "more" than just a horrific loss of a beautiful, sweet 2-year old child. Why such a tragedy for his mother, a woman whose life calling has directed her towards helping families of missing by giving them a place to gather, reflect and support one another? (Peace4TheMissing) Why do bad things happen to good people?

As many of you know we lose so many brilliant minds to death by water...drownings, lake accidents, wandering into the path of a river. Perhaps there is more than we are aware. I wrote this to Sara this morning. I hope that it is not "too soon" and that she may find comfort in knowing perhaps her beautiful child passed in a way that none of us will ever fully understand...until one day, when our time comes. I wrote...

My heart aches for you Sara and your family. As a mother I cannot imagine the pain, nor the hurt of extreme loss of a beautiful child. I know finding the words to convey my thoughts… with the hopes of perhaps lessoning a bit of your pain….that you will find some comfort from what I've recognized about death by water a number of years back. 

Perhaps in some way this will "lesson" the pain, albeit… perhaps not right away.  We lose so many brilliant minds to water that one has to stop and look at this from another perspective. Water is symbolic of many things holy and in many different religions.

Perhaps it is God's portal to those chosen special to join him in heaven? Moses parted the Red Sea, water is used in baptisms for Christians, holy water is found in the Catholic church, our own bodies made up of 65% water, when God created earth…water was his pride and water is a necessity staple for those of us still on earth, water cleanses and washes away impurities…this taught by God. At Buddhist funerals water is placed in bowls, to Hindus all water is sacred and special attention to lakes, rivers and streams, Muslims are bathed in water as part of their ritual when one has passed, the Jewish faith practices that all earthly bodies are immediately cleansed as soon as can be done as water is holy and cleanses the departed to a restored state of purity, Japanese who practice Shintu utilize and recognize that water is sacred as are waterfalls and bath troughs placed for ritual washings in many places.

We are all born from the sack of waters that nourish and kept us until it is time to enter this world. I do not believe water is an "accident" or "coincidental"….I believe it is one of God's miracles that he has specially chosen as holy and symbolic..even to him.  It is the one major connection to all nature, humans and religions. I would like to think that perhaps only special ones are chosen to enter the gates of heaven through God's special creation. Water.

For those who may think water is the most horrific passing….perhaps God knows better. Perhaps we, left behind, shall open our eyes to more awareness, faith and beliefs that no matter the passing…those who depart are safe in the arms of the Lord…and those who have passed by water…a symbolic purpose may have happened and we are all too busy in our lives to recognize some of God's signs. Those who are developmentally challenged and those who have cognitive disabilities are almost always drawn to water when they wander away from "safety."

There has to be a reason. I'd like to think that Ari's passing was not one of horror or fear for him…but one in which God's angels called for him and he followed.  My prayers, always.

Please pray for Sara Huizenga , her other children, husband and family. They truly need our prayers.

Respectfully,

Cynthia Caron
President/Founder
LostNMissing, Inc.

NamUs-Victim Advocate (NH)

Phone: 603.965.4621
Cell: 603.548.6548
www.lostnmissing.com

LostNMissing Inc., is an all-volunteer national tax-exempt organization under section 501(c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Code (the "code") and qualifies as a public supported organization under Sections, or Categories: P99 (Human Services - Multipurpose and Other N.E.C.); M99 (Other Public Safety, Disaster Preparedness, and Relief N.E.C.); I01 (Alliance/Advocacy Organizations). LostNMissing is organized and incorporated under the laws of the State of New Hampshire. We never charge a fee for our services.

Public Grieving. Yes or No?

by Cynthia Caron

I recently had a family member of a missing brother, located deceased, tell me that her family is unhappy that she exposes her soul in grief to her brother publicly online. Apparently his wife and children do not like that she always writes on his "missing page" her feelings and the family feels grief should be "private." It did not take me long to think about how to respond, after all I too turned "public" with my own grief in the passing of my mother 8 months ago, and I explained "It sounds like your family all grieve in different ways and may find it puzzling as to why you've chosen your way to grieve publicly?" I further explained, from my view, that one of the remarkable things about grieving online is that there is a world of support "at your fingertips" and it enables you to people who not only has experienced the same but also wonderful and kind words that you may never have heard before in your own small circle and family? Sometimes those words are the perfect messages of comfort that you never thought before which can help you through your grief."

There is something about sharing emotions and learning new and positive ways to cope that aids in the grieving process. This is not something new due to the internet, fact is many years ago entire villages used to gather to mourn the passing of another member of their community. All over the world there are different rituals and ceremonies built around public gatherings of strangers to mourn the loss of "one of their own." We too do this in many ways from gathering when a young soldier is killed overseas and his or her body returns to our towns and we do the same when we have public candlelight vigils for our missing as well as for tragic deaths that may have occurred in our towns. I think in my own personal life the first "event" I was exposed to with a public "gathering" was when President John F. Kennedy was shot and all homes gathered around their televisions and everywhere I went with my parents I saw the grief and heard the conversations. There was something comforting about having such a bond and seeing so many people "experiencing the same" and being able to talk about it. Public postings on social network sites, such as Facebook or Twitter, is another way of being able to reach out in a more personal level to others for comfort and solace. It does not mean one is not receiving it "at home" or that one is looking for "attention' it is merely one is using all tools available to them to gain insight and to bond and learn from others who have experienced the same…and every person who has ever had someone they love pass away can relate. I think it is a positive move towards healing and building self-awareness and is healthy.

In helping her, I suggested that perhaps her sister in law is not in the same place of grief as to where she is and maybe the public posting makes her feel "guilty" in some way that she cannot bring herself to post as she is not at that level, or *stage, in her own grief process, and perhaps she start a new page, or blog, and title it "My brother's in heaven?" This way her sister in law and nieces can decide if they wish to go and read, join in the postings…or not. What do you think? Do you think public grieving should be kept private?

To learn more about the 5-stages of Grief, and Complicated Grief, go to: http://lostnmissing.org/in-memory-2/

Cynthia Caron
President/Founder
LostNMissing, Inc.

NamUs-Victim Advocate (NH)

Phone: 603.965.4621
Cell: 603.548.6548
www.lostnmissing.com

LostNMissing Inc., is an all-volunteer national tax-exempt organization under section 501(c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Code (the "code") and qualifies as a public supported organization under Sections, or Categories: P99 (Human Services - Multipurpose and Other N.E.C.); M99 (Other Public Safety, Disaster Preparedness, and Relief N.E.C.); I01 (Alliance/Advocacy Organizations). LostNMissing is organized and incorporated under the laws of the State of New Hampshire. We never charge a fee for our services.

When Others Hurt

by Anne Peterson

Look around. Hurting people are everywhere. In the last couple of weeks I have had some medical tests done, finding myself in and around the hospital. When I see others there, I wonder what their stories are, what they’re going through. Years ago when I lost my mother I remember the impact it had on our family. My whole life changed in a matter of days. I was just 16 at the time and I remember feeling so alone. I am convinced we don’t know what others are going through. We make judgments based on what we see, but we really don’t know their stories.

This week I read a devotion by Lysa TerKeurst, noted speaker and writer with Proverbs 31 Ministry. She told the story of a speaking engagement she had last year in Pensacola. At the conclusion of the conference she was immediately summoned to speak to someone in crisis.

“There has been an horrific tragedy, the speaker was told. Would you please come at once.”

A grandmother attending the conference had just received word that her two grandchildren had been killed in a house fire. This poor grandmother had just spent the prior week with those precious grandchildren and she eventually put them on a plane home. The children did not want to leave her and were crying. Upon returning home their mother’s boyfriend was high on drugs and deliberately set fire to the house, with the children inside.

This woman’s whole life changed in a matter of moments. What could the speaker possibly say to this grandmother in shock. How could she help her as she stood consumed in this sea of grief? Lysa approached her not knowing what she would share at all.

Still, she made her way over to her. When she finally got to her side all Lysa did was quietly mention the name “Jesus,” over and over. Soon the grandmother started repeated it, the police officer repeated it, as well as the paramedics who had come to the aid of this distraught woman. Over and over people within earshot started saying “Jesus.” And though that was the only thing said, a peace started permeating the room and this poor woman started to relax.

One year later when Lysa returned for another speaking engagement she stood with this grandmother once again, hand in hand remembering the events of the previous year. The speaker noticed a peace in this poor woman who had lost something so valuable in a senseless act of violence. They simply stood in silence remembering the event, but also the peace they shared because of turning to God.

Sometimes when someone is in the throes of grief we can be there with them, just sharing in their pain. We needn’t wait till we know what we can say. There are no magic words to take away such deep abiding pain. And yet, our presence speaks volumes to those who are hurting.

Sometimes in our grief others step back. It isn’t that they don’t care, though at the time that is how it feels. Some simply are afraid, lacking experience. Some feel that if they bring up the loved one their friend or family member will hurt. The truth is, they are already hurting.

A friend of mine lost her baby years ago and shared what hurt the worst was not what people said, but those who chose to say nothing. To her, it felt like they were denying the very existence of her child. It made her loss more difficult, and it felt like her loved one was unimportant.

We are human beings and we make mistakes. But, it is still better to make an attempt to console someone than to step back.

Through Hospice, I read a great article about grief and how it helps to get in the bucket with those who grieve, to just be there. Often when someone is hurting they are in their pain and we bring over our own buckets, trying to pour what we have into theirs. The problem is their buckets are already full. What they really need, the article explained, is for us to get in their bucket with them.

Empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. When we don’t understand the particular thing someone is going through we can still be there for them, we can share their feelings.

The truth is even if we have gone through something similar to those who are hurting, we don’t know how they feel. We are all different, and we process things differently. In fact, it is helpful if when we are with a hurting person that we don’t say, “I know how you feel.”

Ogle County Hospice printed a story about a young boy who asked his father if he could go across the street to visit their elderly neighbor who was sitting on his porch. This old gentleman had just lost his beloved wife of many years, and the family had talked about how tough it must be for him.

The little boy carefully crossed the street to the neighbor’s house and then climbed on the old man’s lap. The father watched quietly, wondering what kind of conversation the two of them might be having. Soon the young boy came back home and he and his father went inside their own house. As they did, the father asked, “What did you talk about son,?”

“Nothing,” was his reply."

“But, I saw you sitting on the neighbor’s lap, what were you saying?”

The son replied, “I didn’t say anything, Daddy, I just helped him cry.”

A counselor once shared with me his reaction to a doctor’s treatment of a terminal patient. The doctor briefly told the woman in a matter of moments that there was nothing left they could do for her. When asked about his lack of sensitivity, he merely, replied,” That’s not my job.”

Maybe as a doctor he felt that his obligation was met delivering the woman’s prognosis, but as a human being, he failed her. Five minutes spent being with her might have assuaged some of her impending fears. Those few minutes would have given her the message that she mattered.

It’s interesting to me how we are wired as human beings. Personally, I have experienced many losses in my life. It’s something that became familiar at even a young age. Consequently, I am not uncomfortable when someone receives bad news. I don’t feel like backing away, but instead, I am somehow drawn to the person, perhaps remembering how difficult it is at that moment. How the world seems to go on unaware that your whole world has just stopped. Maybe for that moment I can be someone that makes a difference. Maybe I can help in some way.

It’s good to know that God cares about us, that he has numbered the very hairs on our heads. Those are truths we can hold onto. But sometimes, in the midst of our pain, we need to know someone will be there with us, someone who will help us cry or just get in our bucket with us. It can make all the difference in the world.

Empty Chairs

By Anne Peterson

Holidays are stressful. While stress is normal part of life, somehow holidays seem to magnify our feelings. Part of this is due to expectations we have around the holidays. The images we see seem to exacerbate this.

Most commercials show a perfectly decorated house with everyone in the scene smiling. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy getting together with family and friends, but the pictures we see are not always accurate.

They don’t show some members who are not speaking to each other, or the hurt feelings because of those who decided not to come. Pictures are chosen to convey messages they want to convey.

Pictures sometimes lie. We have all taken pictures where smiles magically appear when someone yells, “Cheese.”

Holidays are difficult when you’ve lost a loved one. Even getting together with family is bittersweet. It’s great to see family, but also a reminder of those who are no longer here.

So how can we get through the holidays without white-knuckling it? Is is possible to enjoy our times together when we see the empty chairs?

I am here to say it is possible. That’s not to say it’s easy, but it is possible.

The truth is, we will miss our loved ones. It’s especially difficult if their death was abrupt. Then in addition to the loss we are dealing with the unfairness of it all.

I’ve heard it said, “So and so would not want you to be sad, they would want you to enjoy your life.”

And that’s probably true, but there is also something called survivor guilt. It’s when we feel guilty because we are here and our loved ones are gone. There’s this part of us that feels if we enjoy our lives maybe it means we didn’t value them. That we didn’t love them.

That is NOT true. My decision to enjoy my life does not translate into my not caring about my lost loved one.

Sometimes people who are grieving find doing the traditional celebrating too hard. So instead, they opt for a different kind of celebration. That’s fine.

Others find there is something calming about keeping the traditions going even though they do feel fractured. There isn’t just one way, you have to find what works for you.

Years ago I was given a copy of a booklet entitled “Handling the Holidays.” It is a compilation of true stories and practical choices written and complied by Bruce H. Conley & Karen L. Howard by Conley Outreach Publications. In it are many helpful suggestions. You can go to their website www.conleypublications.com where you’ll find other resources as well.

I know of people who travel when the holidays come creating new memories for faded ones. Whatever works.

One helpful thing I’ve found is giving myself permission to feel what I feel. If I’m in a nostalgic mood and want to reminisce about days gone by with everyone there, then that’s what I do. I allow myself to be human. This works so much better than trying to suppress my sadness when it starts to come. Our feelings grow when we refuse to acknowledge them, they don’t just go away.

I miss the loved ones I’ve lost. That’s the truth.

Holidays are the loneliest times for some people who are just “hanging on,” hoping to make it through another one.

If you are grieving, one thing you can do around the holidays is pick something your loved one liked to do and do it with someone else in their memory. Something like shopping or enjoying a cup of tea in a special place. A friend of mine will make her relative’s favorite meal for Christmas.

It’s important to be kind to yourself. If a particular day will be difficult then try to ease up on other things. Grieving takes a lot of energy and can deplete us. So try and do something that gives you energy.

The holidays are sometimes hard, but there are things you can do to make them more enjoyable. And as the years pass by, you’ll see they start to get a little easier.

I remember when I made the conscious decision to lighten my load. I was grieving a great loss, but I was still making myself do all the things I had done in the past, like baking and shopping. Finally, I read how grieving takes our energy and I realized I was making everything harder. The article suggested simplifying things, doing the essentials and a couple of things I chose to do.

I felt a burden lifted. That year I didn’t bake a ton of cookies, the shopping was shared as well as the decorating. And I found it really helped. Was I sad? Yes, but I was still able to have a really nice Christmas and reserve some energy.

When people lose their loved ones they are left with empty chairs. I pray even with your empty chairs you will have a holiday season that’s full of warmth and love surrounded by those you love.

Grieving is Hard.

By Anne Peterson

We all love clubs. Clubs enable us to belong to something bigger than ourselves.

When my sister Peggy Dianovsky was killed I became part of a club I never wanted to join; those who have lost a loved one to homicide.

Support is needed when going through difficult times. So I began looking for a grief group to attend. I found the people there very nice and warm but my situation was quite different. My sister had been missing for over twenty years so my grief was complicated. When I shared with the group that she had been killed I felt an invisible wall between me and the others around me. A couple of women had lost their husbands, while another member lost her father and was really struggling. Our losses were so different.

Then I heard about a homicide group that met once a month in Kane County Courthouse. I remember feeling uncomfortable as I was checked before I entered the courtroom. Laying my purse on the conveyor belt and removing my jacket became a regular thing each month. Deciding to attend those meetings was one of the wisest decisions I have ever made. That group was a life saver to me. In the 3 years I attended that group, I really cared about those in the group. Month after month we shared anniversary dates, apprehension we felt about upcoming birth dates of our loved ones, or our dread for the approaching holidays. I sat with people whose lives had been disrupted much like mine, losing a loved one to a violent death.

A different attorney was present at each meeting available to answer any legal general questions we might have. Many of our fears were assuaged as we gathered pertinent information. Those who had gone through the court experience were able to help those who would soon be experiencing it in coming months.
Dr. Brown, a Psychiatrist facilitated each meeting, encouraging us to talk about out loved ones. It was a safe place to do our hurting. A place we felt no judgment, or pressure to hurry up and get on with our lives. Also attending was the victim advocate for Kane County. You felt safe there. Like you could talk if you wanted to, or just sit there and quietly listen without pressure.

When a love one dies, one common fear is that he /she will be forgotten. Those meetings provided a place where we knew that wouldn’t happen.

I’m so thankful for that homicide group. Each town should have one. I did a lot of healing in that group. There was no pretense. I truly felt honored to sit and cry with other members in the group. Some would come in overcome with grief and did not know how to move on. Those of us who had been coming for a while encouraged those who were new. We were merely a handful of people trying to put one foot in front of the other.

One night we were told to bring pictures of our loved ones. One by one we talked about what our loved ones meant to us as they passed around our beloved pictures. It binded us even closer together.

If you are have lost someone to a violent crime, or your loved one is missing, find a group that can support you. And if you can’t find one, then start one. It really does lighten the load you are trying to carry.

Grieving is an interesting process. While attending a Hospice-sponsored grief seminar given by Tom Reardon, I learned that there are two types of grievers. There is an emotional griever who talks a lot of their grief out. There is also an instrumental griever. Instrumental grievers work out their grief by doing something. Reardon gave the illustration of a father who had lost his son. It was especially hard for the father because when he thought of Mike he remembered the project they didn’t get to work on. It was their dream to build a canoe and then take a canoe trip.

While Reardon talked with the father he asked if he was in a position to take a couple of months off of work. He shared he would be able to do that. Then the counselor encouraged him to do two things.

First, he was to make the canoe that he and his son had talked about. Secondly he was to take that canoe trip. At first, the father wasn’t certain he could even work on that project at all. But, with the encouragement of his counselor he began.

The father was surprised how working on the project gave him such peace. Once the canoe was finished he went on the trip without his son. His time was bittersweet. He enjoyed following through on their dream, thinking about his son every step of the way. This father truly was a perfect example of an instrumental healer.
After my sister Peggy’s trial we planned out a memorial. It was 2004 and she had disappeared in 1982. Still, we secured a church, planned a meal following the service unaware of how many would attend. We created a slide show with precious pictures that commemorated her life. Then we had a family member play “Fur Elise,” a song Peggy used to play on the piano. Afterwards her sons and the four of us each got up and shared what our sister meant to us. Afterwards we drove to the cemetery where our parents are also laid to rest. Standing on her empty grave we once again paused and reflected on Peggy.

Planning the memorial, working on the slideshow and making memorial handouts helped me grieve. While it has helped talking about her, I saw I needed to go further, doing something tangible. I got to do something that showed I loved her.

Grief is difficult. But if we think about it we can find people who can support us in our time of need. Find people you can talk to about your loved one, and if there’s something you can do to help you grieve, then do it.

Remember the Universal Law—You Reap What You Sow.

By Pamela Chapman


I settle into my big chair as I begin to write more in depth about what I believe to be the second vital belief for success in 2010. It is not easy. I’ve written to dear Delilah, our Time’s Up coordinator to ask her for a reprieve so that I can ask God how to approach Belief #2: Remember the Universal Law—You Reap What You Sow.


If you follow my blog, you know that I write in order to inspire and bring hope. At least, that is my aim. To give you a glimpse of hope, to give you the strength to carry on: that is my heart’s desire. I write based on my experiences—the good and the bad. So now I sit and I ask, “God, how do I explain to the beautiful people on the other side of this page—those who have been brutalized and escaped like runaway slaves in the middle of the night, leaving everything and everyone behind—that you reap what you sow?


How do I give that message to those precious souls who have lost their children and loved ones by the hands of someone who had no regard for their loved one’s life or their own? Some of you are still seeking justice in an unjust system that is broken and, I believe, doesn’t want to be repaired. Women and children continue to be violated with little or no restitution. How can I say that you are reaping what you have sown?


I know this is a question many of us ask, but I also know this to be a Universal Law. If you are one who believes in Holy Scripture, you know that Galatians 6:7 reads, “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.” 


Well, that works great for those who have committed heinous crimes. But how do we explain the injustices done against the innocent children and babes? How do we explain a woman being beat to death or strangled until she is unconscious? Why do bad things happen to people who are good? Now I’ll make it personal—why did my only son fall victim to a senseless beating that quickly turned the journey and path for his life of 17 years into a downward spiral?


There is no easy answer to this question, and because I do not want to attempt to write what has already been so beautifully written, may I strongly suggest reading The Shack by Wm. Paul Young? It is a powerful story about this very dilemma. The writer himself experienced great loss as a child and young adult. Here is what Wynonna Judd wrote about this book: “Reading The Shack during a very difficult transition in my life, this story has blown the door wide open to my soul.”


In the meanwhile, here are some additional words that I pray will bring peace to your
aching soul and bring you hope for His justice.


“Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy.” Psalm 126:5


“The wicked man does deceptive work, but he who sows righteousness [right doing] will have a sure reward.” Proverbs 11:18


And lastly, “Remember now, whoever perished being innocent? Or where were the upright [for]ever cut off? Even as I have seen, those who plow iniquity and sow trouble reap the same by the blast of God they perish, and by the breath of His anger they are consumed.” Job 4:7-9


No matter what life has brought to our doorsteps, I pray each of us continue to sow and reap in His love.


In love, light, and healing,
Pamela

You can learn more by attending a free webinar "The Power of Transparency."  To learn more and to register, please go to the link HERE.

A Day of Thanksgiving: Oh My Soul I Still Give Thanks

By Pamela Chapman


As I pondered upon what message or thought I would share for my next piece, at first I thought about continuing with my last contribution. I thought I’d share some information to help move you forward using journaling. We will still delve into that subject but since we are in the Thanksgiving season, I am inspired to go there instead.


While there may be some controversy around what Thanksgiving Day is and what it represents, I believe our history books are consistent in this. Those who settled in the Plymouth Colony were not entrepreneurs like those who settled in Jamestown. They were those who were fleeing religious persecution and seeking a place to worship as they saw fit. Many of the events and traditions surrounding Plymouth Colony have become part of American history including Thanksgiving, hence Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks and express gratitude in general.


Thanksgiving ushers in the holidays and for many of us, myself included, it brings haunting memories. Many of us are grieving. I need not list what I believe that grieving might be. Unfortunately, many of us have a difficult time finding anything to give thanks for or celebrate about this time of year.


Please do not take this as me being some expert telling you what you have to do and what you should do. I have suffered much grief and much pain in my fifty plus years of living. I’ve cried enough tears for several oceans let alone rivers. I still cry. Often time, now, my tears are tears of refreshing. I cry tears that represent my “how I got over,” and my tears often represent tears of thanksgiving. However, I still cry intercessory tears.


Even as I write this piece, I cry. I cry for the woman who has lost her child due to some lost soul not seeing her baby as the precious jewel they are and will always be. I cry for the parents and siblings who don’t know where there loved ones are today and there is no closure. I even cry for the soul who is so confused, full of hate and turmoil that must harm others in order to feel fulfilled. I cry for the nation who cannot see their children and women as jewels and treasures who should be cherished and protected. I cry for the nations who believe human beings should be sold and bought like commodities. However, in spite of it all, I still give thanks.


I give thanks that today I opened my eyes and took a new breath. I give thanks because today I know that the Universe sends new mercy. I give thanks because I have a roof over my head and food in the refrigerator. I give thanks because I have an eight-six-year old mother who last year this time wasn’t expected to live. I give thanks that I have a handsome son, beautiful daughter-in-law and five incredibly beautiful grandchildren who are driving my son crazy paying him back for all the times he drove me crazy. I give thanks that in spite of what my son has come through and what I have come through we still have our wits about us, our self-confidence and our self-worth.


No, it didn’t come without some realigning, but I am thankful and we are moving on. I give thanks that in spite of all the challenges this great nation faces, I can still open my laptop this morning and freely express what my heart wants to say to you today. I give thanks to all Supreme Intelligence and all Powerful Creator who has sent me to love and to heal and to be a light amongst the lights. I give thanks that you, the amazingly and wonderfully made, are in and part of my life. I am thankful for You, your love and your complete healing.


Oh my soul, I still give thanks.




In Love & Light


Pamela Chapman, CTACC, CDVS
Self-Esteem and Life-Transition Expert, Teacher, Author

Knowing What To Say

By Gaetane Borders

Recently, a co-worker of mine suffered a terrible loss. Her mother passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. My company normally sends out bulk emails to everyone under such circumstances so that people can write notes of condolences or attend funeral ceremonies. Since the ceremony was out of state, I could not make the trip, and figured that I would speak with her directly when she came back to work. However, it did not go quite as I had planned. See…when I saw her for the first time after her mother’s death, I was at a loss for words. For someone like myself who has the gift of gab, this was disconcerting. I thought to myself “What can I possibly say to her to make her feel better?” Telling her that I understood how she felt would be a lie. Telling her that everything would be ok would be insensitive. Not saying anything at all would be downright offensive. So I did neither. Instead I welcomed her back and gave her a heartfelt hug while holding back tears. Although she appeared to appreciate the warmth, I felt truly disappointed in myself for feeling so awkward.

I imagine that this is how other people may feel as well when a friend or family member experiences a loss. What do you tell a parent whose child is murdered, or to someone whose mother was killed in an act of domestic violence? The immediate knee-jerk reaction is to attempt cheer them up. But for the person grieving, those words are typically not comforting. I learned this from a bereavement counselor friend of mine who mentioned that, too often, people fill up silence with words to avoid uncomfortable emotions. Silence, he said, is sometimes more powerful and soothing than meaningless words. However, he warned that avoiding the mourner is wrong because this will make them feel that you are apathetic. Instead, simply saying, “I cannot imagine how you must feel right now, but I am here for you whenever you want company or need to talk” will be reassuring.

Although many of us do not know the best thing to say when someone dies, there are things that we can do to help our friends and loved ones during their grieving period. Here are some other things that you can do:

• Write a letter or note expressing your thoughts. You may find that the easiest way to share your thoughts.

• Offer to cook meals for them over the upcoming weeks. This is a very simple and thoughtful way of providing support.

• Call them to check in even months after their loss. Sometimes people think that just because a few months and weeks have passed that the mourner is no longer sad.

• Acknowledge all feelings. Their grief reactions are natural and necessary. Do not pass judgment on how well they are or are not coping.

• Offer to help with making decisions. It is often difficult to think clearly at the time of a death.

• Identify friends who might be willing to help with specific tasks on a regular basis. Performing tasks such as picking up the kids from school or refilling prescriptions can be a big help.
• Get groceries or necessities.
• Offer to accompany them to the gravesite as a means of support.
• Remember Holidays & Occasions - these can be really tough. Whether it’s Christmas, birthdays or anniversaries (including the anniversary of their death), people who have been seemingly strong can crumble as they have to face their loss all over again.

• Depression is often part of grief. Be aware of any changes in appetite, mood, and sleep patterns, as this may be a sign of clinical depression. If you are concerned, make sure to help them seek professional guidance.

Remember that there is no right way to grieve and mourn. Be very careful not to impose your ideas, beliefs and expectations on someone else, no matter how much you think it might help. Instead, be willing to listen with an empathetic ear, as this will surely be a source of comfort.

Gaétane F. Borders

President, Peas In Their Pods