A New Year: 2013!

by Anita Sullivan

Over the past month, we’ve sung carols, lit candles, shopped, opened presents, cooked elaborate meals, talked or visited with family we rarely do, decked the halls, filled the stockings, and celebrated the season. But now that it’s time to clean the mess, pay the bills, head back to school and work, and start the New Year, what do we focus on now?

For so many people, Christmas is truly a magical time. Yet we can easily forget that in homes across our land, the magic can’t outweigh the reality that families face. In that home with abuse? It didn’t end, and may have even been worse with the added pressures. In that home with not enough money to keep things going? December didn’t change that, and guilt was felt for not providing as much as they hoped. In that home where illness casts a shadow? It still did, as families spent their Christmas in the hospital praying the New Year would bring new health. In the home where loss was felt this year? Grief still lived, sometimes with added hurt over missing their loved one through the holidays.

As I step back and look at the Christmas season from a different angle, I see that the magic truly comes from people who share God’s love, not from any tinsel or gift. There are those who buy extra presents- and gift them to children in shelter. There are those who hang lights- not just on their own trees, but on displays for the community to enjoy. There are those who sing songs- not just with their families, but for the community after many many hours of practice. There are those who serve food- not just in their home, but for masses of people who have none. There are those who give money- and not just for last minute tax breaks, but of love.

The magic of Christmas is in how much is given with nothing asked in return. The danger is that the season ends, and the needs don’t. The families still hurt, the needs still exist, and yet the giving isn't at the same pace.

As we begin 2013, consider how you gave this Christmas season, how you showed love to those who need it. Don’t let it stop because the season is over. Let this be the year of Christmas all year long.

 Anita Sullivan is the sister of a missing person, and long time advocate of victims, even before having a personal connection to the world of lost. During college,Anita found a passion for helping others and was involved in a variety of ministries. She then started a career in non-profit, first working with victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. She went on to work with at risk families through a supervised visitation program before spending several years in fundraising and advocacy. She now tries to reach people with a message of Hope through writing and speaking, while honoring her brother, Michael "Austin" Davis, who has been missing since 2007. To learn more about Anita, visit her at losingaustin.blogspot.com.

Giving The Gift of Compassion

By Susie Kroll

 Bruises.  Emotional scars.  Depression.  Self-loathing.  Black eyes.  Shame.  Educating about Teen Dating Violence is a messy business.  No matter what, no matter how early I catch a child, I still meet victims.  They are either secondary victims of domestic violence in their household or they have already been a victim of teen dating violence.  The youngest that I spoke with was 10.  Her elementary school boyfriend shoved her for talking to her friends at recess instead of him. 

I know that the key to ending domestic violence and teen dating violence is combining reaction with pro-action.  We, as a society need to provide the means for victims to get safe, get help, and move on.  We need to punish abusers with more than a slap on the wrist.  We need to educate our teens and children so they know the signs of a potentially harmful relationship.  Then they can make safer, stronger, better choices for their future relationships and avoid needing these services at all.

I find myself pondering what parents can do besides educating their children and trying to foster the best possible healthy relationship example at home.  So what can we do?  What could help? Especially during the holidays, the word that comes to mind for me is compassion.  Compassion feeds the soul, saves the heart, and makes life easier for those whom it is given to.  

When I was growing up, one of the “requirements” for the holidays was to give to something, someone, somehow.  That didn’t mean a friend, family, or spouse.  It meant to a shelter, charity, bell ringer, Toys for Tots, or someone else in need.  The giving was either in the form of time or money.  As a high school student, I enjoyed working with the Festival of Trees and yearly food drives.  As I have gotten older, domestic violence shelters, cancer research, and literacy have also become a priority in my gift giving.  This “requirement” has become so much more rewarding and something that I look forward to doing every year.  It is no longer a requirement but a pleasure and I am grateful to my parents for teaching me this valuable lesson in caring. 

Parents can foster compassion in their children in many ways.  One of the most vivid for me was being reminded that I was lucky and shouldn’t take for granted, my home, family, or the fact that I had food on the table.  What better way to teach compassion than to teach teens and children to give of themselves to others less fortunate.  Buying a gift for Toys for Tots was just as important as giving a gift to my grandparents or parents.  It is easy, in this day and age to be focused on the latest and greatest technology, music, fashion or fulfilling any other self-want.  This is when it becomes even more important to slow down and be grateful for what you already have.  Someone will always be in a more difficult situation than you. 

Maybe everyone can start a new tradition this year or next.  When the holidays come around, find a giving tree, buy a gift for Toys for Tots, or donate your time to a local charity or shelter.  Make the gift of compassion and charity just as important as your list of gifts to give to family and friends.  You don’t have to save the entire world all at once.  But, small steps and efforts can lead to miles of change.

  

This may not be the single most effective way to end domestic violence or teen dating violence, but I do believe that it factors into being a well-rounded, decent human being.  Give to give not just to receive.  Give to those less fortunate; give even if it hurts a little.  I don’t advocate bankrupting yourself but if you can spare twenty dollars for the bell ringer or charity of your choice, do it.  A little self-sacrifice for those in need goes a lot further than 3 lattes for you.  It will pay in karma and soul.   Happy Holidays and even happier giving.

Keeping the Christmas Spririt

By Charles Moncrief 

Maybe it’s an accident of timing, but a couple of weeks ago I read Donna Gore’s article “The Christmas Casseroles Stopped After Two Weeks.” So it’s my privilege to refer to the article, recommend it, and hopefully build on the idea expressed in it.

 

Every year the feasting at Christmas -- and all of the other winter celebrations -- is painful for those who have an empty place where a loved one had been present before. For the most part, it seems the pain is sharpest when this is one of the “firsts” experienced after the loss. You know: first anniversary alone, first Christmas alone, first birthday alone. Our hearts go out to all who, for whatever reason, must face this sadness at an otherwise joyful time of celebration. Many prayers have already been offered on their behalf.

 

Back to Donna’s article. I’m always thrilled to see the outpouring of compassion at this time of year. From Thanksgiving to Christmas many are blessed by the genuine sharing of hearts in the shelters, the hospitals, and the prisons. And what amazes me every time is that the ones sharing are blessed as much as the ones shared with.

 

Now here’s where I tread on thin ice -- if you’ll pardon my use of this term at wintertime. My heart tells me to put in a plug for this Christmas spirit to continue year-round. Remember, the battered women at shelters need help as much in July as they do in December. The same goes for all the others we reach out to at this time of year.

 

My heart says this, but my mind says such a suggestion might be received with something like “What else would you expect from a preacher?” Fair enough. But I’m out of sync with most pulpiteers when it comes to Christmas preaching. I’m as tired as you are when preachers have a field day spouting “Christmas is becoming too commercialized,” “We’ve adopted pagan customs and lost the meaning of Christmas,” etc. While many of my colleagues will criticize anything you do to celebrate Christmas, I’ll encourage you to follow your heart and enjoy Christmas the best way you know how. To encourage you to experiment with other ways is not to criticize what you’re already doing.

 

I do hope that the Spirit surrounding Christmas will stay around with everyone all year. My reason for this hope is that the joy, comfort, and healing found in this Spirit can ultimately accomplish nothing but good for anyone who chooses to keep this Spirit around.

 

Please accept my sincere wish for a joyous Christmas and the new year.

Grace and Peace,

Charles+

http://charlesmoncrief.blogspot.com

Wish Like a Little Girl!

By Karen Rae Elkins

Do wishes come true? In the wee hours of the night I stepped outside on the patio to watch the moonlight dance over the lake. I saw a shooting star but didn't make a wish. Some say if you wish upon a shooting star your wish will come true. When I was a child, I use to wish for things. You know, the birthday wish, the wish you made when the clasp of your necklace touched your charm, or wishing on an eye lash that fell to your cheek. My favorite time to wish was on the feather like petals of a dandelion flower. If you could blow all of the petals off in one blow, your wish was certain to come true. 

 I've recently discovered that abuse can kill the child in you. Just when I thought I was getting it "all together" there is yet another journey to be taken. It's the journey back to the child in me. Healing from abuse seems to be like a kaleidescope of sorts. You turn the gear and discover yet another image to study deeply. I see glimpses of the little girl in me sometimes when I'm fishing. Probably because I fished as a child. Some of my fondest memories were made while fishing. I didn't know it at the time but I believe fishing can build character that will sustain you throughout your life. It gave me a sense of who I am.

It was a different time when I was a child. I didn't know abuse in the world I lived in. I was fearless. The water didn't scare me. Could I swim back then? No, but I could tread water if I had to. There were no dangers in the water, just the invitation to play.  Most girls my age would scream at the sight of crickets and worms. But, not me. I saw bugs and Mayflies as opportunity. "Touching bugs", that was so me. When there was a fish at the end of my line I saw a creature of pure beauty.  Every fish was an chance to marvel at differences. I admired each catch from mouth to fin.  I found joy in the multitude of color that made the fish unique. When the fish were not biting, there were always river banks to explore. I would turn over rocks to see what treasure was hiding underneath. Sometimes the treasure wasn't a treasure at all. It would be a dead fish or worse a snake. Still it didn't stop me from turning over another rock or looking under a piece of driftwood. I'd gather rocks like they were gold and muscle shells as if they were silver.

It's time to bring back the little girl in me. I've missed her fearless spirit, her dare to explore ways, the ability to see treasures all around, and belief that wishes can come true. It is after all Christmas. The time of the birth of my Lord, Jesus Christ. He said it best when he said, "Be as little children." On the 13th of December, the eve before this blog publishes there was a meteor shower over North America. The skies over my home were clear and cold.  I had some special hot chocolate to keep me warm as I watched the show from my patio. I decided to re-connect with the child in me once again and I made lots of Christmas wishes for my sisters who are in the bondages of abuse. I may not have known your name but I know what you have been through or are experiencing right now. 

To the one in three women like me, this was my wish for you. I wish you knew that wherever you are in your journey, you are not alone. You have not been forgotten. I know your struggles. It is my strongest desire that you learn to be safe and protect yourself. I hope you know how precious you are to God. What has happened to you doesn't make you the monster he's told you you are. It makes you a very strong woman, capable of your hearts desire. May you find your anchor in life. Capture all that is good in this life and never let go. Release the doubt in yourself.  Be the captain of your own boat. I long to see better days for you and times of peace and hope. I wish you'd take a chance to breathe in without fear and exhale without despair. I wish you could see the lights I see and know they speak of healing and love. Let it be. 

Until next time, fish steady my friends in all you do. Merry Christmas and Best Fishes this New Year. May it be an incredible year for fishing women out of the depths of abuse. 

Angel in Three Courts

By Charles Moncrief

Angel Downs was shot to death and her former boyfriend went to trial for murder. The defendant in this trial is a former county commissioner, a churchgoing man who cheated on his wife and family and even involved his son in making the adulterous affair seem normal. While the prosecution and defense teams built their cases for this court action, another trial has taken place in the court of public opinion.

In the court of the parlor tea gatherings, and of the government-fearing news media -- in which we cynically note substantial crossover -- Angel Downs is the defendant. In all these polite places Angel is referred to with such terms as “mistress,” “paramour,” and whatever manipulates opinion and sympathy toward the man who killed her. Our society, which glorifies sex outside of marriage, rewards politicians and entertainers who defile their marriage beds, is quick to condemn the morals of someone whose death forces a respected public official to face accountability under the law.

Without presuming to speak for all of the contributors to this blog, the sentiment is heavily weighted in Angel’s favor. Speaking for myself, there is no pretense of enlarging Angel beyond the person she was in life. Angel was the partner in an adulterous affair, and accounts by the defense and the media concerning her drug use may contain a grain of truth -- though the accusations are largely false, blowing out of proportion the lifesaving PRESCRIPTION medications Angel used. (Amazingly, the media have kept silent about Angel’s efforts to keep secret an affair that her boyfriend was running up the flagpole!) But while aspects of Angel’s behavior were what we may consider self-destructive, she in no way deserved either of the sentences she received: death by the man who shot her, and burial in slime by the politically correct in high society.

As I consider the two courts, I am saddened at the inability of either to bring about justice for Angel. But my sadness is offset by the reality of the third court. Since this is the season of Advent, leading up to the celebration of Christmas, my thoughts turn to this text from Isaiah 11:2-4a. The passage refers to a descendant of David, Israel’s greatest king.

And the spirit of the LORD shall rest upon him, the spirit of wisdom and understanding, the spirit of counsel and might, the spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the LORD; And shall make him of quick understanding in the fear of the LORD: and he shall not judge after the sight of his eyes, neither reprove after the hearing of his ears: But with righteousness shall he judge the poor, and reprove with equity for the meek of the earth. . . . (KJV)

The Judge mentioned in this reading will not be swayed by media lies or manipulative expressions of the facts. And Angel will stand before this Judge on equal footing with her politically powerful boyfriend. As for me, ultimately this is the only court that matters.

There is no place where earth’s sorrows

Are more felt than up in heaven.

There is no place where earth’s failings

Have such kindly judgment given.

(#304, from Hymnal 1940)

And from John 8:11, where Jesus refuses to condemn a woman caught in adultery. (Note that Jesus still calls her act a sin, while not judging the woman’s character.)

Since Christmas is approaching, I find encouragement in Mary’s words from Luke 1:52-53.

He hath put down the mighty from their seats, and exalted them of low degree. He hath filled the hungry with good things; and the rich he hath sent empty away. (KJV)

What a sharp contrast between this court and that of the media in Angel’s case!

Of course, whenever I look into the mirror, I’m reminded of how much I need this court!

Grace and Peace,

Charles+

http://timesupblog.blogspot.com/2010/08/supporting-justice-for-angel-downs-with.html
http://timesupblog.blogspot.com/2010/06/two-faces-of-steve-nodine-politician.html
http://timesupblog.blogspot.com/2010/07/living-in-midtown-disturbia.html
http://timesupblog.blogspot.com/2010/07/accused-lady-killer-i-know-what-you-are.html

The opinions and information expressed in the individual posts do not necessarily reflect the opinions of each contributor of "Time's Up!"

Empty Chairs

By Anne Peterson

Holidays are stressful. While stress is normal part of life, somehow holidays seem to magnify our feelings. Part of this is due to expectations we have around the holidays. The images we see seem to exacerbate this.

Most commercials show a perfectly decorated house with everyone in the scene smiling. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy getting together with family and friends, but the pictures we see are not always accurate.

They don’t show some members who are not speaking to each other, or the hurt feelings because of those who decided not to come. Pictures are chosen to convey messages they want to convey.

Pictures sometimes lie. We have all taken pictures where smiles magically appear when someone yells, “Cheese.”

Holidays are difficult when you’ve lost a loved one. Even getting together with family is bittersweet. It’s great to see family, but also a reminder of those who are no longer here.

So how can we get through the holidays without white-knuckling it? Is is possible to enjoy our times together when we see the empty chairs?

I am here to say it is possible. That’s not to say it’s easy, but it is possible.

The truth is, we will miss our loved ones. It’s especially difficult if their death was abrupt. Then in addition to the loss we are dealing with the unfairness of it all.

I’ve heard it said, “So and so would not want you to be sad, they would want you to enjoy your life.”

And that’s probably true, but there is also something called survivor guilt. It’s when we feel guilty because we are here and our loved ones are gone. There’s this part of us that feels if we enjoy our lives maybe it means we didn’t value them. That we didn’t love them.

That is NOT true. My decision to enjoy my life does not translate into my not caring about my lost loved one.

Sometimes people who are grieving find doing the traditional celebrating too hard. So instead, they opt for a different kind of celebration. That’s fine.

Others find there is something calming about keeping the traditions going even though they do feel fractured. There isn’t just one way, you have to find what works for you.

Years ago I was given a copy of a booklet entitled “Handling the Holidays.” It is a compilation of true stories and practical choices written and complied by Bruce H. Conley & Karen L. Howard by Conley Outreach Publications. In it are many helpful suggestions. You can go to their website www.conleypublications.com where you’ll find other resources as well.

I know of people who travel when the holidays come creating new memories for faded ones. Whatever works.

One helpful thing I’ve found is giving myself permission to feel what I feel. If I’m in a nostalgic mood and want to reminisce about days gone by with everyone there, then that’s what I do. I allow myself to be human. This works so much better than trying to suppress my sadness when it starts to come. Our feelings grow when we refuse to acknowledge them, they don’t just go away.

I miss the loved ones I’ve lost. That’s the truth.

Holidays are the loneliest times for some people who are just “hanging on,” hoping to make it through another one.

If you are grieving, one thing you can do around the holidays is pick something your loved one liked to do and do it with someone else in their memory. Something like shopping or enjoying a cup of tea in a special place. A friend of mine will make her relative’s favorite meal for Christmas.

It’s important to be kind to yourself. If a particular day will be difficult then try to ease up on other things. Grieving takes a lot of energy and can deplete us. So try and do something that gives you energy.

The holidays are sometimes hard, but there are things you can do to make them more enjoyable. And as the years pass by, you’ll see they start to get a little easier.

I remember when I made the conscious decision to lighten my load. I was grieving a great loss, but I was still making myself do all the things I had done in the past, like baking and shopping. Finally, I read how grieving takes our energy and I realized I was making everything harder. The article suggested simplifying things, doing the essentials and a couple of things I chose to do.

I felt a burden lifted. That year I didn’t bake a ton of cookies, the shopping was shared as well as the decorating. And I found it really helped. Was I sad? Yes, but I was still able to have a really nice Christmas and reserve some energy.

When people lose their loved ones they are left with empty chairs. I pray even with your empty chairs you will have a holiday season that’s full of warmth and love surrounded by those you love.

“Yes, Virginia, there really is an Anti-Claus.”

By Angela Dove

This week as I packed up holiday decorations, I replayed my memories of Christmas morning when my children, 8 and 5, rushed into the living room full of excitement and expectation. My daughter oohed and ahhed over her new doll, complete with pup tent and sleeping bag. My son rushed to the miniature astronauts gathered around a tiny space shuttle and launching platform. In that moment, the world my children knew consisted only of magic and goodness, of expectations met and surpassed. Like many loving parents, I wish I could arrange more elements of my children’s lives, ensuring each day offered them joy and excitement and goodness.

But I can’t.

The best I can do is to love them, and to level with them: the same world that offers them so much goodness also contains danger. They will see it. They will experience it. And they need to be prepared for it.

I was near my daughter’s age, walking through my middle class neighborhood, when I noticed a car slow down as it passed me. I continued down the sidewalk, and within minutes the same car—a large Buick with rusting paint—pulled up to the curb two houses in front of me, waiting. The situation did not feel right. No one was getting out of the car. It was sitting there, idling, obviously waiting for me to walk beside it. 

My mother had drilled me on situations like these, even though I was still in elementary school. And acting on her warnings and advice, I never broke my stride. I turned up the front walkway to the house directly next to me and walked purposefully toward the front door. Sure enough, the waiting car pulled away immediately. In fact, the driver was in so much haste that the balding tires squealed against the pavement. Once the car was gone from view, I left the front porch of the house and hurried home.

Was my mother wrong to tell me of the dangers of the world at such a young age? No. In fact, she may have saved my life.

As a member of the next generation of mothers who value their children’s wellbeing above all else, I have begun to teach my kids about the dragons that inhabit their usually wonderful childhood kingdom. And the lessons seem to be working. While my son and I were grocery shopping this week, he accepted a hard candy from an elderly gentleman, thanked him politely, and then handed the candy to me as soon as the man was out of sight. That man, a stranger, probably meant no harm. But my son, at age 5, knew from our “Stranger Danger” talks that the candy would go directly into a trash can. My daughter’s 3^rd grade curriculum incorporates similar lessons to those I teach at home.

One day I will tell my kids my own experiences—how a friend I trusted tried to date rape me in high school (and how lucky I was to escape). How my stepmother was murdered later that same year. How there are huge groups of people who have faced similar evils. And the importance of the talks I now give to survivors of violent crime and those who work with them and for them.

Packing away our stockings and holiday garlands, I almost feel guilty for these thoughts, as if I am desecrating the wonder of Christmas and expectation of a brand new year. But here’s the overriding truth:  just as my husband and I took great care on Christmas Eve to prepare our living room for our children’s joy, there are some who take similar care and pleasure in arranging pain, and worse, for others. These are not Grinches who will be touched by the singalong down in Whoville and subsequently allow more love into their hearts. No. These are the Anti Clauses of the world. They carry around a sack of heartbreak, trying to sneak it into the homes and lives of their would-be victims.

I suppose I could pretend that my kids will always be shielded from potential harm, but I am too aware of how that adds to the dangers of their world. Would I refuse to tell my kids that stoves get hot because I hoped so ardently they would never be burned? Of course not. They need to know about danger, and to be savvy about the ways it will present itself to them. Like my daughter’s new coat and my son’s snow boots waiting for them under the tree, these are the more practical gifts I give my children—gifts that will prepare them for the times they journey outside of the safety of our home.

For tips on teaching kids about personal safety, visit www.SafetyCops.com, www.MyChildSafety.net, or www.McGruff.org

***Angela Dove is a public speaker, award-winning columnist and author of the true crime memoir,  No Room for Doubt: A True Story of the Reverberations of Murder (Berkley/Penguin 2009). She welcomes feedback at www.AngelaDove.com.

Silent Night; All Is Calm, All Is Bright

 By Pamela Chapman

Stop. Take a deep breath and a break from all the hustle and bustle of this wonderful holiday season and count with me. Let’s start with one and count slowly to ten, taking a deep breath between each number. There, that’s better.

Silent night, holy night

All is calm, all is bright

Round yon virgin mother and child

Holy infant, so tender and mild

Sleep in heavenly peace

Sleep in heavenly peace

There is no song that touches my heart more during the Christmas season than “Silent Night.” It conjures up such images of peace—not just peace due to circumstances, but a peace of mind that passes all understanding, a peace that is there in spite of challenges and conditions.

In the story of Christmas, every inn was full.  There was no room for the mother of Christ to deliver her baby. Yet, she carried deliverance. She found herself in a manger—a stinky, dirty, filthy manger. But in spite of her circumstances, it was here where she delivered New Beginnings and New Origins. It was here where she birthed hope. It was in the most depraved and degrading conditions that the Savior came forth: He who is deliverer and preserver of life and breath of all things.

We as women so often endure appalling circumstances; but quite often, out of those stinky, dirty, and painfully degrading conditions, there is a birthing or a rebirthing.  A gift, a talent, and even a purpose come forth in us. Many times there is deliverance not only for us but for humankind. Out of violent acts, laws are created and bills passed. From unfairness and disparity, political movements are started and justice is made to prevail. Silent Night, Holy Night—it’s a time of new beginnings, new hope, and new faith. Yes, it’s a time of deliverance.

I’d like to share some words with you that I shared last year at this time in iAscend’s Esteem-zine. May I share with you first as a friend and then as a self-esteem and life-transition coach? There is no answer outside of you, and no one can lead you and set your path for you or tell you where to go. Every answer to every question lies within. No matter what you’re facing, no matter how challenging the circumstances, there is hope. There is no secret to the greatness that lies within; there is only the question of how to tap into that which has been hidden. Now is the Time for the Awakening in you.

Are you still taking those deep, slow breaths? I speak peace, blessings, and love into the lives of those who read this message this holiday season. May the God and Creator whom I believe in and trust touch your life in ways you have never been touched. May the gift(s) in you be stirred. May any wall of judgment, condemnation, doubt, and fear come down in your life today. May all that your hands touch increase. May your self-esteem and self-worth enlarge a hundredfold, no matter where you’re starting. May your greatness be empowered now, and may the year and season of now be one that is filled with love, liberty, and life more abundant. May you embrace the wind of 2010 and make it yours! May all fear, doubt, hurt, and pain cease in you and your family’s life today. May you not give up or give in, and may the goodness, grace, and mercy of 2010 cause you to win.

             

Wishing you a Merry Christmas, a happy holiday, and a Silent Night.

In love, light, and healing,

Pamela

Pamela Chapman is an author, teacher, and certified self-esteem and life-transition expert. She is the founder of iAscend Programs, LLC. Pamela teaches women how to get through the challenging and stressful times in their lives while building and nurturing their self-esteem. She works with women who are ready to break free of their perceived limitations, maximize their potential, and realize their true purpose. Click here for more information about Pamela and iAscend.