Social Media and Bullying

 By Susie Kroll

Social media such has Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and Formspring are the tools of a Bully and the tools of a Victim.  I’m sure you wonder what I mean.

In today’s society these types of social media can be used by an abuser to taunt, tease, and harass a victim.  Before social media, the bullying done to a child ended when school was over.  The victim had time to rest, refresh, and bolster up the courage to face the next day of school.

Now, when the victim goes home, they get online; see messages, posts, and other hurtful bullying statements outside of school walls.  They, for all intents and purposes, are under attack 24/7.  There is no time to breath or recharge.  While I believe that no victim should have to recharge, when in the situation of being bullied, a 24/7 attack is much more detrimental.   By now, most people think that social media is more of a negative societal attribute rather than a positive one.

On the other side, when a victim feels alone, hurt, and has nowhere to turn, there is social media.  We have seen, recently, in the media all of the reports of our kids reaching out for help through Twitter, Facebook, and other forms of social media.  The sad end to that is that by the time the information makes it to the masses ears, we have lost another child.  Jamey Rodemeyer killed himself after regularly reaching out via social media to anyone that would listen to his cries for help. 

Our tweens and teens are reaching out to celebrities, the untouchables, people that, if it weren’t for social media, would probably never be exposed or aware of the cries of a single child.  30 years ago, I couldn’t have reached out to the Beatles for help, if I were being bullied, in the hope that they would understand and try to help me. 

Now, teens and tweens are reaching out to celebrities that they feel they can identify with.  They are looking for someone to hear their cries.  They are looking for someone that has the power to end their problems. 

We have the power.  Each and every one of us has the ability to become educated, learn the signs, and save a child’s life, before they take it themselves.  So, back to social media.  I do not think that it is either evil or good.  I think social media’s label depends on how we use it.  We can use the power of social media to help those in need, educate the masses, and listen to those cries for help.

The moral of the story, the tools that we are presented with are only as good or bad as we make them.  Someone can choose to kill someone with a hammer just as they can choose to build a home for someone in need.  Social media can be used to belittle and abuse or it can be used to uplift and inspire.  Make the choice to be the light in someone’s life instead of the dark.  

Susie Kroll frequently speaks on the issue of teen dating violence, bullying and how to create healthy relatoinships. She is also a regular contributor to the Here Women Talk online magazine,  Please visit her website for more information: www.susiekroll.com

       

It IS Different Now

By Susie Kroll

Stabbings. Shootings. Drugs. Violence. You might be compelled to think that I am talking about the cartels in Mexico and the ongoing war on drugs. You would be wrong. I am talking about a day in the life of our junior and high school students.

• On October 2, 2011, Cindi Santana, a 17-year old girl was stabbed to death by her ex-boyfriend. 
• On April 20, 1999, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold shot and killed 12 students, one teacher, and injured 21 others in a mass shooting at Columbine High School. 
• On February 12, 2010, 11 high school students were arrested at Redmond High School in Washington after they were busted by police for selling a variety of drugs to undercover cops on and off campus. 
• On October 27, 2009, a report stated that middle schools in Northern Virginia are growing as the new epicenters of gang activity recruitment. The gangs that are recruiting in middle schools are MS-13, Southside Locos, the Bloods, the Crips and 18th Street gangs. These gang names were once only heard of on the streets of major cities, special reports on MSNBC, and in prison documentaries. Not anymore, the violence is moving into places once considered safe, sacred, and protected from the ills of the world-our schools. 

I could go on and on about the major acts of violence that are occurring in our schools today. Allegations of sexual abuse, rape, teen dating violence, bullying, and hate crimes are also occurring at an alarming rate in our schools.

Often I hear parents say that schools today haven’t changed much since they were themselves there. I hear parents say that bullying is not something to get worked up over. It will pass. It is how kids build thicker skins. I say tell that to Jamey Rodemeyer, the 14-year old boy that killed himself on September 17, 2011 after being bullied and tormented for years.

I want to be heard. I need everyone to pay attention. Times have changed. School life has changed. Listen to your kids. Promote healthy and open relationships and discussions. Do not help a bully, abuser, or other tormentor isolate your child and make them feel worthless. Accept that really bad stuff happens in schools and that your child may be a victim without you knowing it. Ask. Talk. Listen. Believe your child. Be Aware. Most importantly, be proactive in your child’s life. Teach them about healthy relationships, communication, and safety. I want every tween and teen to recognize the signs of violence in its many forms so they can get help and not feel alone. I want everyone to listen to those screaming for help and those that don’t know how to ask for it. I want to help a victim while they are still alive instead of finally listening when they are gone. We are supposed to learn from our mistakes-no one listened to Jamey. It IS different now. Let’s work to change the differences in schools to positive instead of negative.

Susie Kroll frequently speaks on the issue of teen dating violence, bullying and how to create healthy relatoinships. She is also a regular contributor to the magazine, Reasons To Be Beautiful. Please visit her website for more information: www.susiekroll.com

Back to School Supplies-Did You Forget Something?

By Susie Kroll 

We are now head-long into the new school year.  I’m sure every parent has done there level best to provide school clothes, supplies, laptops, and all the other necessary accessories for their student to succeed.  But have they thought about the other crucial supply their student needs to be safe?  Have they taught their child about Dating Violence?

We send our children, tweens, and teens out into the world of school to gain the necessary knowledge to succeed and be productive citizens of society.  One of the most overlooked and under-utilized piece of knowledge is knowing how to recognize and prevent Dating Violence from happening to them.  Dating Violence is not unlike Domestic Violence in that it can strike anyone, any gender, any race, any orientation, and any socio-economic group at any time.  What’s that mean? Even your child could become a victim.  I am not saying this to be cruel.  I am however, saying it because sometimes fear is the only way to motivate someone into action.  If you love your child, you will learn about Dating Violence and how to prevent it.  If you fear for your child you will learn how to recognize the signs of Dating Violence before it escalates to death.  Make no mistake, I want you to be alarmed at what you are about to read.

-69% of all teens who had sex by age 14 said they have gone through one or more types of abuse in a relationship.

-40% of the youngest tweens, those between the ages of 11 and 12, report that their friends are victims of verbal abuse in relationships, and nearly one-in-ten (9%) say their friends have had sex.

-Nearly three-in-four tweens (72%) say boyfriend/girlfriend relationships usually begin at age 14 or younger.

-Only half of all tweens (51%) claim to know the warning signs of a bad/hurtful relationship.

All of these statistics were provided by a 2008 study conducted by Liz Claiborne and www.loveisrespect.org.

Now, I’m sure you are wondering why this happens.  Here are some of the findings that www.ACADV.com has found.

Teen dating violence often goes unnoticed because teenagers typically:

• are inexperienced with dating relationships.
• are pressured by peers to act violently.
• want independence from parents.
• have "romantic" views of love.

Teen dating violence is influenced by how teenagers look at themselves and others.

Young men may believe:

• they have the right to "control" their female partners in any way necessary.
• "masculinity" is physical aggressiveness.
• they should "possess" their partner.
• they should demand intimacy.
• they may lose respect if they are attentive and supportive toward their girlfriends.

Young women may believe:

• they are responsible for solving problems in their relationships
• their boyfriend's jealousy, possessiveness and even physical abuse, is "romantic."
• abuse is "normal" because their friends are also being abused.
• there is no one to ask for help or to show them anything different.

Tweens and teens are inexperienced in dating and relationships and have a romanticized view of love and relationships.  This plays a huge role in why teens don’t recognize what is happening to them until the damage has already been done.  They have never been taught to choose what they want out of a relationship.  Moreover, they don’t think they have a right to choose what they want out of a relationship.

 

So where are your tweens and teens getting their relationship models from?  Do you want them to emulate your relationships? Those they see on TV?  Those of their peers at school? Those they see in the media or in celebrity circles?  Are you cringing yet?  Unless we provide our tweens and teens with the knowledge and power to recognize Dating Violence and to set their own relationship standards we have to assume that they are using less that positive examples. 

It is an incredibly powerful thing to tell a tween or teen that they have the right to say what they want out a relationship.  Tweens and teens have the right to say they want to be treated nicely, with respect, and love.  They have the right to privacy and to have time away from their partners.  They can say that they never want to be hit, yelled at, or emotionally abused.  Every parent should try it.  Tell your children they have rights.  Tell them they are worth it.  Tell them to choose their own boundaries about sex, partying, and dating.  Encourage them to make good choices and guide them toward those good choices.  

I thought it only fair to give a brief overview into what Dating Violence may look like and what some of the signs of Dating Violence were.

Here are some of the early warning signs that a Dating Relationship could become violent and dangerous.  If your tween or teen’s partner exhibits any of the following behaviors, it might be Dating Violence: 

Extreme jealousy Controlling behavior Quick romantic involvement Unpredictable mood swings Alcohol and drug use that magnify Dating Violence Explosive anger for seemingly little issues Isolates you from friends and family Uses force during an argument Tells you what to wear, how to act, what to do

Shows hypersensitivity Believes in rigid gender roles Blames others for their problems or feelings Cruelty to animals or children Verbally abusive Abused former partners Threatens violence Goes through your cell phone to see who you text, call, or view your pictures Checks up on you via Facebook, Twitter, etc

Here are some of the common indicators that your teen may be experiencing Dating Violence:

Physical signs of injury Truancy, dropping out of school Failing grades Inability to make healthy choices Changes in mood or personality Loss of interest in hobbies or friends Commonly making excuses for their  partner’s behavior

Use of drugs/alcohol Emotional outbursts Isolation from loved ones Weight gain or loss Moody and anxious Engaging in risky behaviors

Please learn more about Dating Violence and how to prevent it.  If you have more questions, then great, this article has done its job.  Give your tween or teen all the supplies they need to be successful at school, in life, and in all their current and future relationships.

Susie Kroll specializes in Teen Dating Violence and Healthy Relationships.  For more information about Susie and how you can bring her to your school or event, please visit www.susiekroll.com or schedule with ImaginePublicity  contact@imaginepublicity.com

Kudos and Epic Fail

By Susie Kroll

I admit it.  I am willing to admit it.  I watched The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  In this particular episode, a 17-year old girl has hit the point in time when her mother wants to have the “talk” with her.  The mother brings up this idea to her husband.  The father basically states that the girl is a baby and they don’t need to have that conversation with her.  The 17-year old girl is getting ready for a winter formal dance.  The father asked the mother if her parents gave her that “talk” when she was their daughter’s age.  The mother says, “No.”  But she also makes the comment to her husband that times are different from when she was growing up.  The father then says that this isn’t something to bother talking about since the daughter is going to be a virgin until she is married.  The mother saying that she hopes that is what will happen but she still feels like the talk is necessary.  The husband is very resistant to the discussion and the wife then makes a comment that she should have never brought up the topic and just talked to the daughter on her own.  In a different episode, he even got in some guys face that tried to dance with his daughter at a New Year’s Party.  He said his only job was to protect his baby from men like that.  How long does he think he can keep that up before he has to teach her how to be responsible for herself and her needs?   I have a couple of opinions about what I saw in this episode.

First, let me say that I was screaming at the TV, as if I could somehow affect the outcome of what I was seeing.  Let me also say that it ignited a fury of emotions in me as well.  The Kaiser Family foundation conducted at study in 2009 and one of their findings was that 46% of high school students had already had sex.  That is almost half of high school students!  High school usually starts in 9^th grade.  I was 14-15 when I started high school.  The daughter on the show is 17.  So somewhere between 14-18, 46% of teens are sexually active.  While she seems like a teen that has her act together, it was incredibly naïve of the father to think that a discussion about sex and relationships isn’t necessary.  17 is too late (but better than never) to have this discussion with their daughter.  His daughter may not have the intention of sleeping around or sleeping with someone in the near future but being prepared and knowing what his daughter is thinking is much more powerful and important that deluding himself into thinking that these thoughts haven’t crossed her mind.  I am not discounting that it might be an uncomfortable subject but parts of life are darn uncomfortable.  As a parent, you signed up for all of it, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the uncomfortable.  The father, during an in-episode interview couldn’t even say sex, he had to spell it out.  If he isn’t comfortable with the idea of saying the word, how can he assume that the daughter is or isn’t?  He is making a bunch of assumptions about his daughter. 

First, even the best of teens don’t tell their parents everything.  To the daughter’s credit, she seems mature and seems to have a good head on her shoulders but even the smartest teen doesn’t know everything about sex and relationships.  Really?!  Most adults don’t either.  This is readily evident by the other “housewives” on the show. 

Her mother had the right idea and I have to give her credit for wanting to talk to her daughter if only to touch base and reinforce their family values and check in with her daughter and where she is mentally.  The mom and daughter, in a later scene, are dress shopping for the winter formal.  The mother makes comments on various dresses as her daughter tries them on.  Finally, the daughter picks a dress and, again I am screaming at the TV.  The dress was floor length, fitted, strapless, and mermaid cut.  Nothing about the dress was too revealing with the exception that it showed her daughter’s figure as it was a very fitted dress.  The mother took that moment to talk to her daughter about what that kind of dress says.  She said that it was a sexy dress and put a message out there to the world.  While I believe it was a necessary discussion and that it needed to happen, the dress shop was not the appropriate venue for said discussion.  Okay, back to why I was screaming.  The mother said that dress is sexy and it will attract a certain type of attention.  In no way shape or form does the way a teen or adult dresses indicate or ask for certain things to happen to them.  The way someone dresses does not make it okay for someone to be assaulted sexually or have unwanted sexual advances happen to them.  I did not like that the mother ways inferring that how her daughter dressed made her somehow responsible for the attention whether negative or positive she received.  Sure the dress was fitted and “sexy” and it probably would make a teenage boy stare.  Let’s be real, teenage boys would stare at a girl with a sack over her head.  It is called teenage hormones.  Parents can build a wall around their children but eventually they will climb over it.  It is so much better to prepare them from life, relationships, and sex rather than thinking you can keep them from them until they are married.

Kudos to mom for wanting to talk to her daughter about sex and boys.  Kudos to mom for having the talk even though the dad was resistant and basically in denial that it needed to happen.  Mild fail to the mom for not having done some research about how, when, and where to have this conversation with her daughter.  Epic fail to the dad for thinking that his daughter has a perfect handle on relationships, sex, and what a healthy relationship looks like at the age of 17.  Epic fail to the dad for failing to protect his daughter by supporting his wife and preparing his daughter for the eventuality of a relationship and/or sex, whether it happens before or after she is married.  Epic fail to both parents for exposing their daughter and her fragile youth to the damages of being on reality TV.

Knowing about healthy relationships and sex doesn’t automatically pop into your head once you are married.  Married doesn’t equal “Everything is healthy and safe now.”  I know plenty of adults that are in very unhealthy marriages and relationships.  So when do they learn about it?  How about we all start early and teach proactively instead of reactively!    

While I do not think that the “Real Housewives” franchise is the best indicator of how teens learn about relationships and sex, I do realize that if we aren’t teaching our teens and tweens where are they going to learn?   From their peers?  From the media?  From reality TV?  If not you, then who?  Do you want to take the chance that their best relationship/sex model and lessons comes from one of those? I hope not.  

Susie Kroll is available for presentations and workshops in your school or organization.  Learn more about Susie at www.susiekroll.com and read her blog Teach Our Teens & Save Their Lives

"Hoochie Mama?" What I Heard!

By Susie Kroll

My husband and I went to the movies last Friday. It isn’t something we do often as Netflix makes movie watching at home more desirable, even if we have to wait for new releases. Back to the topic at hand, what I heard.

As my husband and I walked toward the theatre, we were surrounded by hordes of teenagers. Most of them were on cell phones, some were laughing and talking in groups, and still others were horsing around in the landscaping of the mall and theatre. It was all typical behavior in my book. Then I heard some guy yell, “Hey Hoochie Mama!” I looked in his general direction and saw that he was a teenager and was approaching a group of girls. When I was a teen, I would have told that guy to, well not appropriate language for this blog. Nevertheless, I would have been insulted and walked away from him. At the very least he would have been told not to address me in that manner.

Surprise of surprise, one of the teen girls giggled joyfully and ran to him. He slapped her on her butt while she gushed and hugged him. Her girlfriends didn’t seem alarmed or surprised by her behavior. For the sake of being thorough, I checked with the Urban Dictionary regarding “Hoochie Mama”. A summation of definitions include, slut, girl having multiple babies with different fathers, wearer of tight clothing, trashy makeup, and gaudy jewelry. Additionally, a Hoochie Mama wears dark, thick, and slutty makeup. The Urban Dictionary also says that a man can label a woman with this name as well as a group of jealous women. So what’s my point? First, this is not a positive or humorous word or label. Even the Urban Dictionary paints it in a derogatory light. Second, it is meant as an insult to the bearer. The girl that was called this name was not dressed slutty or trashy and she didn't have a train-load of babies with her. She was a typical American teen, clad in jeans and a t-shirt.

Why did the teen girl giggle and willingly accept the label from the boy? And, why is that a bad thing? I have a few theories on this matter. I have noticed that there has been a shift in the attention girls are willing to accept from boys, say from the 1950’s until now. It may be culturally, pop-culturally, and media induced. Long gone are the days of girls wearing their guy’s letterman’s jackets or fraternity pins. Teens are bombarded with images of singers, rappers, reality TV stars, and various celebrities’ objectifying women. There has been a transition from femininity as an asset to sex and the female body as a woman’s only asset. How said asset is used and displayed has also changed.

Recognition and attention from an admirer is wonderful. It feels good. Someone telling you that you are beautiful or asking you out on a date are some of the things that makes ones heart flutter. Finding ways to foster that are natural and should be a normal part of life. However, I am saddened and struggle daily with the reality that most teenage girls now believe that any attention from an admirer is positive. Hence why the girl at the theatre was so gleeful at the name that guy called her. He may have been joking but I still deem it unacceptable. I also struggle with the either deliberate or unconscious acceptance of the “sex is your only asset” attitude and the degree to which girls are living up to it. I see that girls are embodying this attitude in their appearance, attitudes, and acceptance of treatment by other people both male and female.

So why is this bad? In addition to it teaching our teens that their self-worth is devalued, it plants the seeds for further denigration. If I was a teen and I was comfortable with being called a Hoochie Mama or a slut, would I then be comfortable with a partner calling me stupid or worthless? If I wasn’t could I become comfortable with those labels? It is a slippery slope. It easily makes an abuser’s behavior acceptable and camouflaged to the receiver and bystanders. If everyone thinks the name-calling is funny or not serious, then they are more likely to miss the signs of dating violence. I am not saying that the guy at the theatre is an abuser. I am just saying that teenager’s acceptance of seemingly minor name-calling or labels open the door to a potentially harmful future situation. They could be victims or blind bystanders to someone else’s victimization. A change needs to be made in our teenager’s minds and attitudes. To make this change the responsibility lies with both parties. The seeker of the admiration needs to draw a line in the sand and decide what attention they are willing to acknowledge and what they will not. It is also the responsibility of the giver of attention to decide what behaviors are respectful, positive, and should be fostered. Calling someone a Hoochie Mama isn’t positive or desirable. Telling someone they are smart or funny or cute is.

It is easy to say that teachers, celebrities, parents, and the government should do something. If we take that attitude then the problem becomes too overwhelming to solve as there are so many factors and facets to it. So let’s start small. Each of us should decide within ourselves what attention we are willing to accept. Once that decision is made we can tell our friends or partners. Hopefully it will get everyone thinking about what they want or don’t want. Slowly mindsets will change. Attitudes will change. I would hope that all teenagers would then learn and believe that the favor of an admirer is earned. It must be appropriate, positive, and not derogatory in nature. If someone wants your attention they should seek it respectfully.

Susie Kroll specializes in speaking about Teen Dating Violence and Healthy & Safe Dating. She conducts workshops, keynotes, training, and seminars on issues specifically related to teens and their relationships. Susie is a regular "Ask the Expert" columnist for Reasons To Be Beautiful magazine. Visit her Website and Blog.

Teen Mom - The Good, Bad and Ugly

By Susie Kroll

Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant are weekly series on MTV. MTV camera crews follow the pregnancy and first years of life of a teenage mother. In the beginning, I watched the show due to its popularity with my target audience of teens. The crew left little to the viewer’s imagination when it came to all of the irritations, pains, relationship drama, parental drama, and birthing process. The viewers got to see how these young girls learned to or didn’t learn to cope with the seriousness of becoming a teen mom.

There were angry parents, sad parents, and even parents that were very celebratory of the impending newborn. Though I had to wonder how much of it was because the cameras where with them 24/7, how much was scripted, and how much with truly the chaos that existed in each family. MTV made no secret of how hard labor was, how each teen and sometimes the baby’s father struggled with money, and even how as new parents these teens couldn’t let go of their teen mentality and step up to the plate of responsibility.

If I were a teen watching this show, I would be thinking to myself, “I am never going to have unprotected sex.” I would also be thinking, “Labor looks like it sucks.” Finally, I would think, “I am way too into myself and what I want to even consider having a kid at 16 or so.” So, the Good, MTV does a pretty good job of portraying the hardships that a teen mom may face. There was no shortage of financial difficulty, parental judgment, and baby daddy drama. The series makes teen pregnancy look pretty unappealing.

Unfortunately, there is also no shortage of domestic violence, teen dating violence, verbal abuse, and child neglect. One teen mom in particular has been charged with multiple counts of domestic violence against her baby’s father. She was shown, on the series, punching and hitting her baby’s father. She even attempted to kick him down the stairs, all while their little girl of 2 watched. Another teen mom slapped her boyfriend on the face. Still another received verbally abusive texts and voicemails from the father of her baby, whom later in the series she decided to let move in with her and the baby. The abuse is not solely between the teen mothers and their baby’s fathers. Sadly, one teen mom endured some of the most horrible and abusive verbal violence from her own mother. This teen mom struggled to be the daughter that her mom could love by cleaning their house, trying to shop with her mom, and even reaching out to her with heart-felt dialog. She was met with some of the most awful, hurtful, and damaging verbal abuse I have ever seen aired on national TV.

So the Bad, MTV crews filmed horrible verbal and physical abuse. MTV did do follow up shows with Dr. Drew Pinsky that touched on the violence on the show and talked with the teen moms, abusers, and fathers. I think it did little to detract from the violence. All of the follow up specials were overshadowed by the filmed violence and other parts of the series. I believe it wasn’t handled as deeply as it needed to be to show viewers the seriousness and unacceptability of the incidents.

If the purpose of creating shows like Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant were to dissuade teens from becoming just that, teen moms, I believe in the beginning they would have been successful. The series showed, to the best of its ability, the ups, downs, and struggles of becoming a teen parent. MTV illustrated the loss of friends, personal time, sleep, a childhood, money, relationships, and even not graduating from high school very clearly. Regrettably, these shows had huge side effects. The public demanded to know more. We didn’t want to end with these girls saying they wish they would have waited to become parents. No, we wanted to see what happened next, who they ended up with, how the babies were doing, and if certain situations resolved themselves. This created a media frenzy. These girls became celebrities in what seemed to be overnight.

Their faces were plastered all over the supermarket tabloids (and still continue to be). After all, it is cheaper for these magazines to pay for interviews and photos of these teen moms then say the Reese Witherspoon’s and Angelina Jolie’s of the world. Suddenly, these girls are rubbing elbows with Bristol Palin and other celebrities. They are having what looks to be story-book weddings immortalized in tabloids with beautiful dresses and flowers. Many of these teen moms are living their 15 minutes of fame out right now. They have booking agents, are writing books, modeling, booking interviews and photo shoots, and even competing the spots on Dancing with the Stars.

So, the Ugly, if I was a teen and I was seeing this, unexpectedly, teen pregnancy looks pretty glamorous. If I wanted to be famous, get rich, and be on TV, now I have been given a road map to see if I can make it happen. If I was faced with single parenthood, welfare, no education, and life in a small town, the shining lights of MTV and Hollywood would be too tempting to pass up. Suddenly, the hardships don’t look so hard.

MTV’s message of safe sex and education is lost among the glittering lights of the paparazzi, booking agents, and nice paydays. Even more so, the violence, domestic, teen, and verbal are completely lost in the flurry of makeup artists, TV interviews, and Hollywood glitz. I completely disagree with making domestic and teen dating violence look like a small price to pay for fame, fortune, and forgetting about the most important thing, the babies.

Susie Kroll is a nationally known speaker and educator on the issue of Teen Dating Violence and Healthy Relationships.  She is also a regular contributor to "Ask the Experts" column in Reasons To Be Beautiful magazine.

Stop and Smell the Happy

By Susie Kroll

“Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.”

Guillaume Apollinaire (1880-1918)

As a professional speaker and advocate for Teen Dating Violence, I spend a lot of time in junior high and high schools. Teen Dating Violence is a weighty subject especially for teens and parents. It can be made even more volatile when parents aren’t the model of a healthy relationship that their children need to see. When I go out to speak to teens and tweens I invariably meet kids who are stunned at one or more aspects of healthy relationships. They seem mystified that it is a partnership. Or that each person is free to have a life outside of their relationship. More shockingly, is the fact that most aren’t surprised and have even experienced one or more aspects of a potentially harmful dating violence relationship; they even seem to be okay or resigned to these behaviors. Some of these behaviors include being accountable at all times to their boyfriends or girlfriends or becoming sexually active. I hear kids say, frequently, “I didn’t have a choice.” This resignation to their situation also leads them to say, “I’m not happy, but what can I do,” and “Isn’t this how it is supposed to be?”

Today’s teens and tweens are constantly in pursuit of the next best thing that they think will make them happy, albeit I am not sure if they know what their happiness is. But then again, do most adults? Though I do know that at that age most seem to choose their happiness based on what their peers want or have mandated as the thing to have. Sadly, it also seems that the happiness teens are seeking is and can only be in the form of a material object.

As an advocate, I seek to have them learn about their own rights, choices, and individuality. As an adult, I now see clearly, what pressures teens and I were under and how differently I would do things if I knew then what I know now. Therein lays the eternal struggle; the inexperience of youth and the wisdom of age. I want every child to learn about healthy relationships. More importantly, I want each and every child to learn healthy independence and individuality. I believe that one cannot be a successful and happy partner unless they are first a successful and happy individual. A teen’s self worth is not defined by the material goods they have, the popularity they seek, or the romantic relationship they are a part of. It comes from learning about one’s self, experiences, beliefs, and values. It comes from what has made us sad, happy, angry, jealous, and joyous. Ultimately, happiness comes from having the ability to choose. A few of those choices could be choosing your job, religion, education, hobbies, hair color, friends, and activities. We need to teach them about the responsibility that comes with choice, the consequences and positive outcomes. It will transition nicely into making healthy choices in all avenues of their lives.

Anyone that is a parent or advocate for children can help foster healthy relationships by first fostering healthy individuals. We can remind our teens and tweens that happiness is something you have to actively seek. That it is more than the newest gadget, fashion, or phone. Happiness is also taking the time to value what you have already. We need to show teens and tweens that they have choices, opinions, and goals that have merit and value. We need to show them that while on the path to seeking their happiness they must also remember that some of the joy in attaining happiness is also in the journey.

Think Like A Teen?

By Susie Kroll

  

Self-reflection is something I believe extremely important and often under-utilized.  The question I pose is this:  Have you taken the time to think about your beliefs and values and then compared them to those you held in your teens?  Furthermore, have you examined what has changed about you and your beliefs or how your perspective has changed since you were a teen? 

The reason that I pose this question is that I think it is very important to see the differences in things that teens and adults place value or belief in.  Obviously, as a teen one’s beliefs and value-placing tend to change and shift once that teen becomes an adult.  Some people find that they have changed their core beliefs significantly from their teenage years.  Others may find that they gravitate back to the values that their parents had, maybe because as teens they didn’t think what their own parents believed was important then.  Still yet, others may find that they have reinforced their childhood values in their adult lives.  Things or beliefs that teens hold dear at 15 or 16 can be much different than the things they will come to value at 35 or 40.  I believe it to be the natural progress of life, age, and the wisdom and experience that comes with age. 

The reason I find this self-reflection so valuable is that I spend a lot of time with teens.  As a speaker and educator in the field of Teen Dating Violence and Healthy Relationships, I am keenly conscious of the attitudes and ideas that teens hold and how they can differ from what is important to people as they age.  Perspective is a powerful tool in reaching teens when you want them to understand the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships.  For example, I could walk into a class of 14 year olds and talk about marriage, relationships, and domestic violence.  Having tried that and then read my reviews later, I’ve learned a few things.  First, is that the kids listen and compare what I am saying to their parents or guardians as they are the married ones.  Following that, there is little if no connection to the relationships the kids are in because for the most part, marriage is a far-off and foreign concept.  Some of the other comments I have received state in many different ways that teens see their lives as long and marriage is only something you do when you’re old (old like 35 or so). 

So why would I use my own adult perspective to try and teach teens about dating violence?  The answer is I wouldn’t, having seen it fail when I first became a speaker.  Teaching teens about unhealthy and healthy relationships is so much more effective when you reach them in terms of their daily lives and current value systems.  For the most part, as a 14 year old, it isn’t important that a potential boy or girlfriend have a successful career.  But it is important that they maybe have a car or are cool and popular.   

Reaching a teen using their values, beliefs, and experiences is much more effective than trying to use abstract or future experiences to guide them.  If a teen can learn the same lessons via a frame of reference that they are familiar with, then the lesson will translate into expectations in later life.

By virtue of being and adult now, I have learned more, seen more, and become more aware of the world around me.  What I value and believe in has shifted from when I was a teen.  I remember as a teen being wholly wrapped up in my life, school, and most importantly, my friends.  I would hear what my parents were telling me and then go right back to my life concerns all the while thinking that my parents just didn’t understand.  In talking with them now, they tell me that they had the same thoughts regarding their own parents. 

So what is the moral of the story, so to speak?  As adults we have the luxury of having been both a teen and an adult during our lives.  Teens have yet to have that experience.  As adults, caregivers, and educators, it is vital that we don’t forget how we felt as teens and apply that to how we view and interact with today’s youth.  As adults with concerns like mortgages, bills, babies, marriages, jobs, and world issues it is hard to remember that for a teen the equivalent to the fighting in Libya is why their best friend from 3^rd grade isn’t talking to them anymore because of a boy they both like.  One issue isn’t more or less important than the other if you consider values and perspectives. 

So when you sit down to talk to your teen about anything and everything, from the seriousness of dating violence to the fun stuff like prom and football, remember perspectives.  You just might find a deeper connection and then both teens and adults might just learn something from one another.   

         

Stalking and Teens: How Dangerous Is It Really?

 By Susie Kroll

Doesn’t it seem like everywhere we turn there are stories about stalking?  Numerous celebrities are or have been stalked by some crazy person.  So, it must only happen to famous people, right?  Let us not forget that the media’s portrayal of these stalkers is less than accurate for the rest of society.  What I mean is we’ve seen the mug shots on TV or in magazines.  Or we have heard the reports of sample communications between the stalker and victim.  Usually they are full of misspellings, crazy ideas, and the pictures of the stalkers usually consist of wild hair, orange jail jumpsuits, and strange eyes.

If I were a teen being exposed to this, I would assume a few things.  One, that stalking happens to people other than little ol’ me.  Two, the victim has to be rich, famous, or in the media’s spotlight for one reason or another.  Three, the victim has to be one of the “beautiful people” that everyone wants to know or be like.  Four, stalkers are strangers to the victim.  Finally, all stalkers have to be missing a few screws, nuts, crazy, maybe a little off balance, in other words mentally ill.

What do I have to say to that? Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.  According to the Stalking Resource Center, annually 3.4 million people are victims of stalking.  Even though all 50 states and the District of Columbia, and most US territories have laws against stalking, only 37% of male stalking victims and 41% of female stalking victims report these events to law enforcement.  In addition, the Stalking Resource Center reports that 75% of all victims know their stalkers.  Of that percentage, 30% are former or current intimate partners or spouses.   Finally, the Stalking Resource Center states that while some cases of stalking involve a stalker that is mentally ill, there is no evidence that all stalkers are mentally ill. 

The Webster’s New World Law definition of stalking is: A form of harassment generally comprised of repeated persistent following with no legitimate reason and with the intention of harming, or so as to arouse anxiety or fear of harm in the person being followed. Stalking may also take the form of harassing telephone calls, computer communications, letter-writing, etc. See also cyber-stalking and harassment.

Stalking can have serious repercussions for the victim including changing jobs, residence, phone numbers, daily routines, and even their identities, in order to protect themselves.   In this day and age, stalking has a new method of mayhem, technology.  Caller ID, cell phones, GPS, website histories, emails, public record searches, and social networking are just a few of the new ways someone can keep tabs on you. 

For Teens, stalking takes on a whole new dimension.  While an adult being stalked can feel like a prisoner, they have certain freedoms teens aren’t usually afforded.  An adult’s stalker may not work at the same place they do nor do they hang out at the same place as the victim for 8 straight hours or more on a daily basis.  Since 75% of all victims know their stalkers it is safe to say that most teens also know their stalkers.  Where do teens spend most of their time 5 days a week? School.  Where do they know most of the people in their lives from? School.  The next likely conclusion, their stalkers also go to school with them.  Now, can a teen leave school at any time, change schools easily, or exert the type of control over their environment that an adult can?  Not likely. 

There in is the new dimension of stalking for teens.  Stalking for teens is more easily concealed from adults not just because teens are less likely to report but also because their stalkers blend easier, as they have to be at school also.  Combine this with the fact that the victim and stalker also may be in certain classes together and you have an intense pressure situation.  Then, in comes the technology.  Stalkers have texting, caller ID, GPS, and social networking, in addition to the rumor mill to keep tabs on their victim.  Friends can inadvertently pass along information to the stalker by just taking what they did over the weekend with the victim.  Or the stalker can see what is going on by viewing Facebook or MySpace pages.  This is especially easy if the victim does not know how to best secure their pages from prying eyes.  Even more scary, is even if someone’s page is totally secure and only viewable by their friends there is still a danger of access.

 Consider this scenario:  Jill and Dan were dating for 6 months before she broke up with him.  Dan is upset about the break-up and he just won’t leave Jill alone.  He shows up at her soccer practice, has 3 classes and lunch with her, and also rides the same bus home.  Dan repeatedly texts and calls Jill.  Jill and Dan have friends in common, friends like Ann and Jake.  Even though Jill un-friended and blocked Dan after the break-up she didn’t un-friend Ann or Jake.  Jake and Dan are hanging out at Jake’s place after school and Jake is not aware of Dan’s stalking.  So, Dan takes advantage of this by asking Jake about his Facebook account.  With some clever conversation, Dan is able to see Jill’s page again by viewing it through Jake’s account.  Now he knows what Jill is saying to people, where she is going, and possibly if she is interested in or seeing someone new.

So what is a teen to do?  Teens need to be made aware of the dangers of stalking via technological advancements and social networking sites.  They also need to feel like they can talk to a trusted adult without fear of having their issues minimized because they are, after all, “only teens”.  Stalking is a serious topic that has serious consequences.  Stalkers don’t often give up if ignored.  In fact, the direct opposite occurs.  Over time, the stalker’s behavior can escalate and become even more threatening.  It may feel nice, at first to have someone pay so much attention to you but it is never okay to stalk.  Seemingly innocent infatuation can be legally considered stalking and quickly become dangerous. 

As parents, trusted adults, advocates, and caregivers, we can become educated about stalking.  We can learn the ins and outs of it and what the legality is in the state we reside in.  We can teach our teens about the differences between innocent infatuation and a dangerous situation.  We can listen when a teen talks to us about what is happening and take it seriously.  We can educate ourselves and our teens about technology and how to safeguard ourselves.  If the idea of technology is scary, have your teen teach you.  It is a great way to open up a dialog and make sure they know how to keep safe.

Together we can end stalking by teaching our teens and we may even save their lives.

All of these statistics and additional information can be found at the National Center for Victims of Crime’s website, www.ncvc.org.   For more information about Susie Kroll and Teen Dating Violence visit www.susiekroll.com

Giving The Gift of Compassion

By Susie Kroll

 Bruises.  Emotional scars.  Depression.  Self-loathing.  Black eyes.  Shame.  Educating about Teen Dating Violence is a messy business.  No matter what, no matter how early I catch a child, I still meet victims.  They are either secondary victims of domestic violence in their household or they have already been a victim of teen dating violence.  The youngest that I spoke with was 10.  Her elementary school boyfriend shoved her for talking to her friends at recess instead of him. 

I know that the key to ending domestic violence and teen dating violence is combining reaction with pro-action.  We, as a society need to provide the means for victims to get safe, get help, and move on.  We need to punish abusers with more than a slap on the wrist.  We need to educate our teens and children so they know the signs of a potentially harmful relationship.  Then they can make safer, stronger, better choices for their future relationships and avoid needing these services at all.

I find myself pondering what parents can do besides educating their children and trying to foster the best possible healthy relationship example at home.  So what can we do?  What could help? Especially during the holidays, the word that comes to mind for me is compassion.  Compassion feeds the soul, saves the heart, and makes life easier for those whom it is given to.  

When I was growing up, one of the “requirements” for the holidays was to give to something, someone, somehow.  That didn’t mean a friend, family, or spouse.  It meant to a shelter, charity, bell ringer, Toys for Tots, or someone else in need.  The giving was either in the form of time or money.  As a high school student, I enjoyed working with the Festival of Trees and yearly food drives.  As I have gotten older, domestic violence shelters, cancer research, and literacy have also become a priority in my gift giving.  This “requirement” has become so much more rewarding and something that I look forward to doing every year.  It is no longer a requirement but a pleasure and I am grateful to my parents for teaching me this valuable lesson in caring. 

Parents can foster compassion in their children in many ways.  One of the most vivid for me was being reminded that I was lucky and shouldn’t take for granted, my home, family, or the fact that I had food on the table.  What better way to teach compassion than to teach teens and children to give of themselves to others less fortunate.  Buying a gift for Toys for Tots was just as important as giving a gift to my grandparents or parents.  It is easy, in this day and age to be focused on the latest and greatest technology, music, fashion or fulfilling any other self-want.  This is when it becomes even more important to slow down and be grateful for what you already have.  Someone will always be in a more difficult situation than you. 

Maybe everyone can start a new tradition this year or next.  When the holidays come around, find a giving tree, buy a gift for Toys for Tots, or donate your time to a local charity or shelter.  Make the gift of compassion and charity just as important as your list of gifts to give to family and friends.  You don’t have to save the entire world all at once.  But, small steps and efforts can lead to miles of change.

  

This may not be the single most effective way to end domestic violence or teen dating violence, but I do believe that it factors into being a well-rounded, decent human being.  Give to give not just to receive.  Give to those less fortunate; give even if it hurts a little.  I don’t advocate bankrupting yourself but if you can spare twenty dollars for the bell ringer or charity of your choice, do it.  A little self-sacrifice for those in need goes a lot further than 3 lattes for you.  It will pay in karma and soul.   Happy Holidays and even happier giving.

Teen-Speak!

By Susie Kroll

Parent (to their child): Sometimes I just don’t understand what you are thinking or why you are doing what you are doing.  Why are you acting like this?

Child (to their parent):  I’m fine.  I don’t know.  It is nothing.

This is a common conversation heard around the country.  It could be related to earning and F on a math test, not doing their chores, getting caught drinking or doing drugs, or about a really high cell phone bill.  Even still, it could be what a parent is thinking about their child’s behavior and actions and the hopeless answers they keep getting from their teen.  Some parents just can’t decipher teen-speak.  So, they assume that their child understood what they said and hope for the best because they really want to trust their child would tell them is something was really wrong.  

Having been a teen (pretty recently), keeping immersed in the teen culture, and talking with teens on a regular basis, I have learned something I feel is very valuable.  “I don’t know” doesn’t mean they don’t really know.  It means that they have a lot of thoughts swirling around in their heads, things they want to say but don’t really know how to articulate properly, they don’t want to sound stupid, get in trouble, and/or don’t think their parents would understand what they are going through.  “I don’t know” is the safe and easy answer.

Adults have a tendency to think that the “real world” is after school or college when one finally enters the workforce.  It is when someone has a mortgage, rent, jobs, and an adult relationship.  There is a tendency to think (or hope) that the romantic relationships their teens are having in junior high and high school are cute and innocent puppy love type romances.  It is about passing notes, saying I love you, holding hands, and making out at the movies.   As a speaker/educator about Teen Dating Violence I am always in junior high and high schools speaking to teens.  I also have the opportunity to participate in teen youth fairs, YMCA community events, National Night Outs, and other awareness events.  The kids in attendance are, on average, 9 and 10 or older.  More often than not my booth is met with opposition or at least rejection.  Here are just a few of the things that I hear on a regular basis.

“I don’t have to worry about that for years yet.”

“My child won’t be dating until they are 30.”

“Nothing like that would ever happen to my kid.”

“Don’t you think you’re presenting this stuff to kids that are too young?”

If they don’t talk to me, the parents’ body language says it all.  They read the banner, grab their kids’ hands, and hurry them past my booth.  Don’t get me wrong, my booth isn’t the most fun topic but I do put coloring pages out that say “Hands Are Not for Hitting,” candy is strewn everywhere, and have cool prizes for those that do come and talk with me.  Still, I see denial of Teen Dating Violence and its existence in their kids’ lives in 9 out of 10 faces. 

You must be wondering what my point is.  First, About 45% of girls know a friend or peer who has been pressured into either intercourse or oral sex.  (Liz Claiborne Inc., Conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited-February 2005).  Second, About 57% of teens know someone who has been physically, sexually, or verbally abusive in a dating relationship.  (Liz Claiborne Inc., Conducted by Teenage Unlimited).

If your kids are living it, then it is the “Real World.”  They are experiencing it and for better or worse they are making very adult choices.  More so, these choices are being made at a very early age.  Teens and tweens are learning from the examples set in front of them.  They learn about relationships from their peers, from the media, from their parents, from 90210, Gossip Girl, Teen Mom, and other reality shows.  Teens and tweens are entering into dating relationships as early as 6^th grade.  If they aren’t getting positive guidance from home where are they getting it?  And is it good advice?

Don’t take “I don’t know” for an answer.  Watch their behaviors and be involved in what your teens and tweens are doing.  Be a resource for guidance without lecturing.  Don’t be afraid to discipline your teen or tween but know when listening and guiding is more appropriate than grounding and punishment.  Your child could be acting out to get your attention, to show you what’s wrong because they don’t know how to tell you. 

Get educated early about Teen Dating Violence and educate your child so that you are proactive in their care.  Prepare them so they know what the signs of Teen Dating Violence are.  If they recognize them then good choices can be made before serious harm is done.  It is my goal to help end Teen Dating Violence with prevention rather than reaction.  It is much safer to have your child know what is wrong and right in a relationship and end it before it gets really bad rather than to hear they are in the ER or dead because they (and you) just didn’t know what to look for. 

Susie Kroll works towards prevention of Teen Dating Violence through education and awareness.  You can follow her blog, Teach Our Teens and Save Their Lives for up to date information.