The Profile: The Side That Could Not Be Seen

By Pamela Chapman

According to Webster’s free online dictionary, profile is defined as a. Side view of an object or structure, especially of the human head. b. A representation of an object or structure seen from the side; synonymous with form. With that, please sit back and take this brief journey with me.

Disclosure: though the following may remind you of someone and possibly even yourself, the story is written with no particular or specific individual in mind. It is only a profile.

I’ve been introduced to a lovely sister. She dresses impeccably. Her clothing fits her well showing her voluptuous curves; yet, she exposes nothing. Her shoes and handbags are designer. She is a smart shopper so she may not necessarily pay designer prices. She wears smart, high-end costume jewelry as well as pure gold. Her hair is always immaculately groomed, colored and cut. She frequents a stylist but when necessary she is capable of taking care of her crown of glory herself. Her lips are large and colored softly; the arches above her eyes are perfect without manicuring. Her cheeks profess the slightest blush. Her makeup, overall, is conservative and brings out her God-given natural beauty.

She is successful having finished top in her class: high school, undergrad and graduate school. She has worked her way up the corporate ladder. This invisible thing called the corporate glass ceiling is laughed at; but, there must be one. No matter how hard she works it keeps getting in her way and her male counterparts are promoted over her. It doesn’t slow her roll at all. She keeps marching along with great strength. She does her job well out of pride.

She smiles at everyone. It is a white, bright and dazzling smile that not only lights her face but the entire room. She never has an inappropriate remark or unkind word. She speaks gently and softly but there’s something powerful about this woman’s speech. It’s a power that comes from somewhere deep. You just can’t put your finger on it. Her very presence mentors. When you look into her eyes there’s a fire. But no one knows this woman’s other side.

Because of shared intrigue, I followed her home one evening. She lives in a lovely neighborhood. Trees line the street and tall walls with gates hover around the houses protectively. There are large homes but hers is modest. The surrounding landscape is well kept and well manicured.

She opens her front door, kicking off her shoes immediately throwing her car and house keys on the round, glass kitchen table. The home is cozy and immaculate. Everything in its place: the carpet clean and vacuumed, the windows sparkle, even the window sills show no sign of dust.

She does a 190 degree look around her welcoming living room. Spotting her newly broken-in couch, she rushes toward it and plops down. The leather couch gives off a slight whooshing sound. She could hear her mother’s words, “Sit down like you’re a lady. No one’s going to want to marry your wide &$%.” She thought, “This is my house now I can do what I want.”

Squatting, peering into her window, I continue to watch her sit quietly now appearing to be in very deep thought. And to my amazement tears begin to roll down her cheeks. “What is going on?” I wonder. She’s never appeared to be sad or upset. After a minute or two, she begins to sob and the words, “God I’m so tired,” ring from her voice.

She had carried the weight of the world raising her children alone even though there was the appearance of a husband for most of the years. She had put up with the abusive words from this man always followed by a joke, a kiss or a hug so it never seemed like he was attempting to hurt her. “Honey, gray fits you well. Your behind looks like an elephant’s in those pants.” Her heart sank. She had chosen them just for him.

When he was angry or drunk, it wasn’t unusual to hear fiery vile words of anger targeted her way. “You no-good whore! You’re lucky I married you after you got pregnant.” He’d so quickly forgotten he’d played a role in the pregnancy. “I could have been something great if it weren’t for you.” He’d even slapped her around a few times only returning minutes later with a hug and a, “Baby I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. I love you.” She’d forgive him each and every time.

Because of this, her children had left at early ages. Even though he was now gone, they didn’t come around much. They couldn’t understand why their mother had put up with such abuse. They couldn’t comprehend her devoutness, her relentless love. They thought she was a fool—well educated but still a fool. But she believed they were the ones who were fools. She held the belief if she prayed hard enough, God would save her husband and they would all live happily ever after.

He had come home one evening smelling of expensive booze. It’s amazing it doesn’t matter how expensive the drink, when taken in large doses it makes you act like an imbecile. “I’m leaving you. You’re not worth that diamond on your finger. I’ve found someone else and I’m tired living this lie!” he shouted. She stepped in front of him only to receive a swift, cold, hard slap to her face. As a thin line of blood oozed slowly from the left side of her mouth, she fell to her knees tired and crying, “Please.”

“Wow!” I could hear myself mumble as I continued to watch. “So amazingly together on the outside; yet, so bruised, battered and broken on the inside.” She continued to sob. “God, if I had only prayed harder; if I had only tried harder at our marriage. Lord, if you only answer my plea, it will be all right.” She still held on with great faith believing he would one day come back—a changed man, of course. He would have a change of heart loving her more than ever. After all, her clergy had told her if she just continued to pay her tithe and offering and believe everything would be all right.

She rose from the couch wiping her eyes, while simultaneously thinking “I guess I should get my big behind up from here.” She walked toward her immaculate, modern, white and red kitchen. It was time to think of dinner. No need sitting brooding over the matter. Life goes on. She’ll just keep living with the aching pain day after month, after year. After all, it was life and like everyone else she had to carry her cross. The woman thought of heaven. A slight smile came to her face. She would one day be rewarded for all her pain and life misery. She thought again, “Or will I?”

Having observed enough, I thought I’d ring the doorbell and see if I could bring her comfort. She swiftly answered and to my surprise there she stood: makeup clean, eyes dry, with the biggest, brightest welcoming smile ever. She appeared quite composed—as never being ruffled. “Come on in, dear. Good to see you. I was just about to prepare some dinner. Can you stay?” she beamed.

Pamela Chapman is Founder of iAscend Programs, an author and certified life coach who has worked extensively with victim services organizations and advocated for many years.  She now spends her time writing and traveling, living each day as a new adventure!  Her latest blog is You Are Not A Victim

Vital Belief #3 for Achieving Success in 2010—Breathe

By Pamela Chapman

Here it is, April 26, 2010 already. I started out writing to you in January about five vital beliefs for achieving success this year. These last four months, I have had to hold on tight to those beliefs and also rely on the expert advice of friends, family, and associates because I’ve been in a state and a season of transition. So the advice I’m about to give you, I’ve been living. And it works.


Last year, I was introduced to a wonderful woman by the name of Ana-Christina Wadle. She is a quantum coach who has written a book called The Simple Tools of Hope. One of the tools Ana-Christina talks about is taking the time to breathe. I remember when I first read it I thought, “Breathe?” I smiled, taking her advice lightly. I forgot that one simple word of advice until I found myself totally stressed out and talking to a business coach who told me to do the same thing. “Pamela, you are working way too hard, doing way too much; you need to stop and breathe. And the bill is…”


The contributors to the Time’s Up! blog and subscribers to the Time’s Up! Searching Out Solutions for Victims are busy people: many are advocates, and many are activists. We take care of our families, clients, and customers, and we fight for our cause. “Transition and change” is our motto; healing is our calling. We take care of people during the emergencies of life. Oftentimes, we are so caught up with helping others and changing our world that we forget to take care of ourselves.


I’m sure almost every one of you has flown on a plane. You know that before that plane takes off, a friendly attendant tells you what you must do in case of an emergency. If there is a sudden loss of altitude, the oxygen masks will be released from the overhead bins. You are supposed to place the mask over your nose and mouth and pull on the yellow tabs to release the flow of oxygen. If you are traveling with a child, you should place the mask over your nose and mouth first. If you are a parent, this seems to go against every paternal instinct you have. 


Oxygen, or breathing, ensures that the brain keeps thinking, the heart keeps beating, the cells release energy, and the vital parts of our body function correctly. It is amazing how we breathe 24/7 without any thought about the process. It is also amazing how we breathe so badly during our conscious moments—so fast and furious that it is almost hyperventilating at times. Notice your breathing now. What is it like? Is it quick and shallow or is it deep and deliberate? Your breathing correlates with how you are feeling and how you are functioning. 


Stop right now with me. Yes, that’s correct, stop right now, and practice breathing. Take a slow deep breath, feeling your lungs expand to their fullness, then exhale, feeling the warm air flowing from your nostrils exiting into the atmosphere. Feel your chest sinking inward. You might go one step further and take a deeper breath, pushing out your stomach, expanding your lungs until they feel like they might explode, holding your breath to the count of three, slowing exhaling, releasing, and sinking in your stomach, and pressing all the air out of your lungs. 


If you are doing this while you’re reading, you will notice a sudden shift if you are doing it correctly. The room surrounding you will appear slightly different; you will have seemed to settle and be more relaxed and at peace. You might even feel a little lightheaded. If that happens, an actual physiological change has occurred. You will now be more focused, and your priorities will be clear. You will also feel energized, restored, and a little more balanced—able to make a greater difference in our universe or pursue your cause with more direction and vigor.


You may not feel like a happy-go-lucky, everything-is-beautiful person right now. You are under stress. Some of you choose your stress, but many of you are thrown into (dis)stress. If you remember to take just a few seconds to breathe correctly, once or twice during your hectic day, you will be more balanced, you will feel healthier, and you will certainly accomplish more. 

I believe if you want to be successful in 2010, making the choice to take the time to breathe correctly is vital. May the peace of God that passes all understanding guard both your heart and mind.


In love, light, and healing,
Pamela Chapman

Remember the Universal Law—You Reap What You Sow.

By Pamela Chapman


I settle into my big chair as I begin to write more in depth about what I believe to be the second vital belief for success in 2010. It is not easy. I’ve written to dear Delilah, our Time’s Up coordinator to ask her for a reprieve so that I can ask God how to approach Belief #2: Remember the Universal Law—You Reap What You Sow.


If you follow my blog, you know that I write in order to inspire and bring hope. At least, that is my aim. To give you a glimpse of hope, to give you the strength to carry on: that is my heart’s desire. I write based on my experiences—the good and the bad. So now I sit and I ask, “God, how do I explain to the beautiful people on the other side of this page—those who have been brutalized and escaped like runaway slaves in the middle of the night, leaving everything and everyone behind—that you reap what you sow?


How do I give that message to those precious souls who have lost their children and loved ones by the hands of someone who had no regard for their loved one’s life or their own? Some of you are still seeking justice in an unjust system that is broken and, I believe, doesn’t want to be repaired. Women and children continue to be violated with little or no restitution. How can I say that you are reaping what you have sown?


I know this is a question many of us ask, but I also know this to be a Universal Law. If you are one who believes in Holy Scripture, you know that Galatians 6:7 reads, “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.” 


Well, that works great for those who have committed heinous crimes. But how do we explain the injustices done against the innocent children and babes? How do we explain a woman being beat to death or strangled until she is unconscious? Why do bad things happen to people who are good? Now I’ll make it personal—why did my only son fall victim to a senseless beating that quickly turned the journey and path for his life of 17 years into a downward spiral?


There is no easy answer to this question, and because I do not want to attempt to write what has already been so beautifully written, may I strongly suggest reading The Shack by Wm. Paul Young? It is a powerful story about this very dilemma. The writer himself experienced great loss as a child and young adult. Here is what Wynonna Judd wrote about this book: “Reading The Shack during a very difficult transition in my life, this story has blown the door wide open to my soul.”


In the meanwhile, here are some additional words that I pray will bring peace to your
aching soul and bring you hope for His justice.


“Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy.” Psalm 126:5


“The wicked man does deceptive work, but he who sows righteousness [right doing] will have a sure reward.” Proverbs 11:18


And lastly, “Remember now, whoever perished being innocent? Or where were the upright [for]ever cut off? Even as I have seen, those who plow iniquity and sow trouble reap the same by the blast of God they perish, and by the breath of His anger they are consumed.” Job 4:7-9


No matter what life has brought to our doorsteps, I pray each of us continue to sow and reap in His love.


In love, light, and healing,
Pamela

You can learn more by attending a free webinar "The Power of Transparency."  To learn more and to register, please go to the link HERE.