I’ll Always Miss Her

by Anne Peterson

If only I had known that conversation would have been our last. I would have stayed on the phone forever.

With grief there are stages a person goes through. And eventually they get to a point where they are coping as they desperately try to find how to move on.

But when a person is murdered, it’s a different set of rules. You don’t just get over it.

Grief is hard enough when a loved one dies. You have to accept the fact you will never see them again, never hear their voice. It’s unbearable at times.

But add to that a bunch of questions that never get answered and you have just complicated the whole process.

My name is Anne Peterson and my sister Peggy Dianovsky, went missing on September 12, 1982. We never believed she walked out as her husband claimed.

We knew she was going for custody of her children.

We knew she was advised not to leave the state, by her attorney.

We knew she loved being a mother than anything else in the world.

Still, we were told she walked out. And sadder still, that’s what her boys were told.

Peggy Dianovsky

Our day in court

In 2004, we went to court as her missing person case had been changed to a possible homicide. We sat there listening to testimony after testimony.

Foolishly, I thought with more information I would feel better. I was wrong.

At one point, they wheeled in a monitor and played a video of Peggy’s house in Schaumburg. As the camera scanned her front entryway and her door swung open my stomach tied in knots.

Leaning over I said to my brother, “I can’t do this.” But I did.  In fact, when it was my turn to testify, I did that too.

I remember how quiet the courtroom became on the day of sentencing. I was certain others around me could hear my heart beating out of my chest. And then Judge Porter spoke. “I find the defendant…

Over in a moment

Really? Was it going to be over in a matter of moments. All our waiting, all our crying?

We knew going in there no matter what the outcome, we’d never have what we really wanted. Peggy.

And now in a matter of moments it would be over. Well, not really. You see, you never get over it. You just try you best to keep going.

“I find the defendant, “Not guilty.”

We sat there unable to move while the other side of the courtroom erupted in cheers, high fives and pats on the back for my brother-in-law.

We were quickly escorted out of the courtroom.

Impact statements

One thing the court system allows are impact statements. It’s when a family member is allowed to share with the court how the death has impacted the family. A statement describing the hell you’ve endured without your loved one, trying to understand what’s impossible to understand. There, in court, in front of all those listening ears.

But here’s the kicker. When there’s no conviction, you don’t get to make that statement.

It’s as if it didn’t happen. That added insult to injury. For no matter what the verdict was, the crime was still committed. A life was erased from a family forever.

BROKEN

If you are dealing with this situation my heart goes out to you. I felt compelled to share my sister’s story as well as my own in my book, BROKEN: A Story of Abuse and Survival.

It’s a book for those who have been abused. It’s for those who are being abused right now. But it’s also a book for those who have no clue about abuse. We need to educate those who look at abuse and ask questions like, “Why didn’t she just leave?”And while it’s a common question, it’s important to know that’s exactly when some are killed. Peggy was trying to leave.

Our lives were forever changed with Peggy’s death.

Domestic violence is real. It’s painful. And we need to do something about it.

One day, it could be your family member. I hope it never is. With all my heart, I hope it never is.

I’d like to share that writing my book really helped me in many ways. I have heard it is a good resource, and that is rewarding. But because I have written it, I have freed up other things inside me. I am now writing children’s books! I believe they were hiding under the pain.

There is hope on the other side. Just take one step at a time. You are not alone.

Anne Peterson has been a contributor to Time’s Up. She is a poet, speaker and published author of Real Love: Guaranteed to Last, Broken: A Story of Abuse and Survival, and most recently, her first children’s book, Emma’s Wish. Anne’s poetry is sold throughout the U.S. and in 23 countries. For more information about Anne visit http://www.annepeterson.com, or https://www.facebook.com/annepetersonwrites.

Peggy Dianovsky: "Last Plea"

by Susan Murphy Milano

The heavy burden a missing person’s family lives with when their loved one has yet to be found in unimaginable. And in cases where law enforcement is outwitted by a psychopathic narcissist in a case of intimate partner violence leading to homicide, they're outmatched by with type of dangerous predator.

Publicly disarming, in every way because this type of predator is able to disguise any hint of being capable of carrying out a murder. The way a psychopathic narcissist presents themselves in dress, and discussion can fool the most skilled team of investigators working on a missing persons or possible homicide case. In my expert opinion, law enforcement is not trained to deal with these types of killers. And this is evidenced by cases in the news from the dismembering of Laura Ackerson from North Carolina, her body was discovered over the weekend to the recent case of missing mom Jacque Waller or Susan Powell missing since December 6, 2009, both women wanted out of the marriage. And their intimate partner predators granted their wish, by in my opinion, taking their lives.

An example of this type of predator is Robert Dianovsky whom maintained that his wife Peggy left their home voluntarily and took a bag of clothing with her when she vanished in September of 1982. Peggy Dianovsky left her yellow Chevrolet Nova behind and never picked up her last paycheck from her employer, Dominick's. Blood was found spattered at the top of the stairway in the Dianovsky home, but none of it was ever collected for analysis.

Robert took the boys and moved to Arizona sometime after 1982, he also filed for divorce claiming Peggy abandoned both he and the children. He was charged with Peggy's murder in 2003. Their three sons went to the police in 2002 after tape-recording a conversation with Robert where he made suspicious statement about Peggy's disappearance. One of the Dianovsky children claims he witnessed his mother's murder, and all three of them say they saw Robert abuse and threaten Peggy. They claim they repressed the memories of the incidents but recovered them in therapy sessions as adults. One of Robert's friends also testified that Robert asked him for a gun in 1982 to "get rid of" Peggy. And Robert claimed his wife was having an affair.

In all, six hours of audio were taped when Dianovsky's three sons confronted him and accused him of their mother's murder. The sons contend their father killed Peggy Dianovsky on Sept. 12, 1982, in their Schaumburg, Ill., home during a brutal beating.

On the tapes, the accused man says, "I hit her pretty good." He also admits to previously saying his wife would never get out of the marriage alive. Dianovsky also said that he cut off his wife's tennis clothes in a jealous rage, and that his grown sons can tell their kids, "Your dad did something to her."

The trial took place in Cook County, Illinois before a judge rather than a jury. Judge Robert Porter acquitted Robert after an eight-day trial in November 2004. He stated that Peggy probably had in fact been murdered after her disappearance, but there was insufficient evidence to prove that Robert did it.

I would have never heard about this case if it were not written about in the blog Mothers Are Vanishing. You see the world had all but forgotten Peggy Dianovsky with the exception of her sons, 2 brothers, Gus and sister Ann Peterson whom up until recently was a regular contributor now on hiatus here at Time’s Up. They kept hope alive in their hearts praying to God that she would be recovered from where she is hidden.

Now, sadly one light of hope is about to go dim as Peggy’s brother Gus has only a few weeks of life left. Diagnosed with terminal cancer, he will leave without having the one wish granted to him while still alive, to find his sister.

I surmise that once he is called home to be united with God, he will finally be reunited with his sister Peggy. I wish there was a way from him to send word on earth to the others holding the light of hope so that they each many finally have peace.

The only way for this to happen is for the only person with the answers to be a man and somehow get word to where Peggy Dianovsky can be found. Or perhaps the woman to whom he is currently married that is in my opinion, also the keeper of this dark secret.

I am making a plea to them both. Robert cannot be re-tried in the murder of Peggy. Perhaps God will take heed and show mercy on him when it is his time if he provides the information to the family.

Robert or his wife (also named Peggy) can call in a tip that cannot be traced back to them. All they have to do is contact the Schaumburg police department at 1-847-882-3586. Or they can email me at timesupforjustice@gmail.com and we can pass along the information.

Being cold and cowardly is one thing not honoring the wish of a dying man is as criminal as the life you took away.

******

If you are in a relationship that has a history of abuse or violence, simply mustering up the courage to confront the person and say it is over, without the proper tools, can cost you, your life!



The book "Time's Up A Guide on How To Survive and Abusive and Stalking Relationship" is the prescription that every person must obtain before they announce they are leaving. Below is an example from Chapter 4, one of many unique tools provided in the book. It is available onAmazon.com, or you can purchase via e-book or on a CD. If you have questions, the email address is: timesupforjustice@gmail.com

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is a specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies and high risk cases and available for personal consultations through the Institute.

Susan is the author of "Time's Up: A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," Moving out, Moving on, and Defending Out Lives. Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host on Crime Wire. And she is a homicide survivor, the daughter of a Chicago violent crimes detective who killed her mother before committing suicide.

Getting Through Anniversary Dates

by Anne Peterson

We glance at the calendar and notice the day is approaching. A feeling of dread starts surfacing. How will we make it through another birthday of our loved one? Isn’t a birthday a celebration of the person’s life. We don’t feel like celebrating. Birthdays are reminders of how old the person was, and all that stopped one day.

It’s hard grieving a loved one to be sure. Anniversary dates make it even more difficult. How can we face anniversary dates without dread? Is it possible to get through them without white knuckling it?

I can honestly say, without God in my life, I don’t think I could have gone through my sister’s disappearance for all these years. Loss after loss, God has taught me he is the only constant thing in my life. Everything else is subject to change. And I don’t like a lot of the changes. Actually, I have trouble with any change, but I’m learning.

God promises he will never leave me in Hebrews 13:5. He is the one who enables me to get through the difficult things in my life. He truly understands how I feel. When you’ve lost a loved one, it’s normal to miss them. Anniversary days are even more difficult. You can’t share your life with a loved one and be the same if suddenly they are gone. It’s natural to feel a longing for them.

When both my mother and father were gone I came across a verse I felt was written just for me. Psalm 27:10. “When your father and your mother forsake you, I will take you up.” God became what I needed. He would sometimes provide other people in my life who would help when I was struggling. And sometimes I just felt peace that I knew had to be from him. Peace that didn’t make any sense.

Following the disappearance of my sister in September, 1982, I entered a waiting room and to some degree am still in it. We never reclaimed her body. There are still questions that remain unanswered. And there is still pain. Anniversary dates have been hard. Christmas, Thanksgiving, her birthday. I feel like those days have become less difficult. Don’t get me wrong, they are still hard, but it feels like I am enjoying other things more which makes it easier. There are times I wondered if I would ever feel happy again. A part of me used to think I couldn’t enjoy my life since she wasn’t here to live hers. Of late I have thought, If I was the one gone, I wouldn’t want my loved ones to stop living.


We can make anniversary days good days.

I used to store my feelings and then let them all out on anniversary dates. I do not recommend this at all. When the special day would come, I found myself very depressed. My mom died when I was 16 years old. It was a sudden death which left us devastated. When November 4th rolled around I knew it would be a heavy day. One year I remember the dread, the heavy emotion, all of it. Later that day I realized it was November 3rd, not the anniversary day at all. I had spent the whole day depressed and it wasn’t even the right day! We give the actual days a lot of power.

I want to celebrate how much I love them, not how much I miss them. How much I miss them is understood.

April 15th will be here before I blink my eyes. April 15th, tax day to everyone. But to us, it’s also Peggy’s birthday. I used to be so sad on that day. Since the trial I make sure I touch base with family members just to kind of check in. I want to do something this year to honor her. I’m not certain what that will look like, but I know it will help.

We can change how we look at anniversary dates. We can decide how the day will go. True our emotions will be involved, but we can still make decisions about how much time will be devoted to sadness, or if the whole day will be consumed. Maybe you are in a place where the whole day would be sad, and that’s okay. I remember grieving for my mom and some days I found comfort in just rocking in the rocking chair we had bought her. I would sit and cry and let it out.

Find support.

When we went through a trial for my sister I found a grief group. It wasn’t long before I realized that members of the group did care, but they couldn’t relate to me. My situation was different because we believed she was the victim of a homicide. So, I found a homicide group which met monthly. It was a group I could share with, cry with or just sit quietly with and feel safe. It helped knowing I was not in this alone. And when anniversary dates came each member was aware how difficult it was. I never felt I couldn’t share about my sister in that group.

We even brought pictures of our loved ones and passed them around. Before I found the support group, I found I would spontaneously share with anyone who would listen, and honestly, that didn’t work out very well sometimes. It’s not that I wanted to share with strangers, it’s just that it was inside and it would burst out. As I look back on that time I see, I was just bleeding all over the place.

When we lose loved ones, one of our fears is that our loved one will be forgotten. Find a trusted friend you can share with. Sharing even the smallest things can help. There are many people in the world who want you to just “move on.” They mean well, they want you to be happy. Some are unable to face their own mortality and we are reminders that life is not always easy. One of the reason we empathize is because we have gone through something difficult. Without our experiences maybe we wouldn’t know how to respond to someone who was hurting.


Write a letter to your loved one.

One thing that used to be difficult for me was that I could no longer talk to my sister. A counselor once suggested I write my sister 3 letters, with a week or two between each one. One letter would not have done it. Thinking back on that exercise, I remember I was reluctant at first. I mean, how could writing her help me. She couldn’t answer.

Still, I decided to give it a try. I found my first letter was flooded with anger. Anger about what had happened, anger that she had not confided in us sooner. Paragraphs upon paragraphs of anger. Feelings of helplessness sometimes turn into anger. Sometimes we’re angry we couldn’t have done something to prevent our loved one’s death. I had a lot to say to her in that first letter. While my second letter was still full of emotion, I noticed there was less anger. Could this actually be helping me?

By the time I wrote her the third letter, my tears just drenched the pages. This letter was full of grief and regret over the things we wouldn’t get to share. Writing her helped me. I believe this exercise would help even those who don’t like to write. Oh, and it was important that this be handwritten. If you choose to try this, write anything that comes in your mind, even if it’s something like:

“I don’t know why I’m writing this letter, I hate this.”

Just keep going. It will release some of the emotions within you.


Look around you.

I am not the only person who has lost a loved one, nor am I the only one who has lost a loved one to homicide. Maybe I can encourage someone else who is taking this journey. If I focus on someone outside myself, I tend to do better. It says in 2 Corinthians 1:4 that the God of all comfort, comforts us so we can comfort others. It’s not for us to be comfortable. The people who have really helped me the most in this journey have been those who have experienced hurt. They have something to say to me. And I, in turn might have something to say to others who are hurting. It also brings something good out of something bad.

If you have lost a loved one, I am really sorry for your loss. You will always miss your loved one, that doesn’t go away. But, somehow the other parts of your life begin to matter again. And things get a little better.

On April 15th, my sister would have been 57. I know we would have talked on that day, talked and laughed a lot. But, I’ll just have to wait for when I’ll see her again. And in the meantime, I’m going to celebrate her life. Celebrate that she was a good sister, a wonderful mom and someone I miss very much. Happy Birthday Peggy, I love you.



Anne Peterson is a poet, speaker, and author of 42 Bible studies and numerous articles with www.christianbiblestudies.com. To find out more about Anne or her poetry visit her website at www.annepeterson.com.

God Understands

By Anne Peterson

We never saw her again. Many times when a person is missing, somewhere down the line the family will receive word that the body has been found. We opted to have a memorial for our sister even though we never found her. When the person accused of her murder was found not guilty that did not mean the whole nightmare didn’t happen.

It still did. The judge declared Peggy Dianovsky dead and said she was the victim of a crime. Some say when you do find the body then at least you can have closure. Personally, I don’t believe there is such a thing as closure.

When you truly love someone and they become a part of your life there will never be a time when you don’t miss them. I think the whole idea of closure is something conjured so people could move on. People don’t like to see others in pain. They want you to live your life. The truth is, you want to live it too, you’ve just forgotten how.

There are some people in my life who have helped me through this loss. They are the ones who accepted where I was at and didn’t try to move me on. We all grieve differently. Trying to get someone to move where we think they should be is presumptuous. We are saying we know where they should be and even that we know how they feel. And the truth is you don’t know how someone else feels. Every situation is different, and every person responds differently.

One day while I was driving the 35 minute ride home from a homicide support group, I was processing some of the discussion that night. I remember crying harder and harder and then eventually screaming at the top of my voice. I was so angry.

I know God personally and I told him just how mad I was, how unfair the whole thing was. Some may not agree with having anger at God, but that’s okay. I’m just telling you my story. I remember wondering if God really did know how I felt. And when I finally got quiet I realized that God knows exactly how we feel when we grieve someone who was killed. His own son was killed on a cross. God understands.

Another time I had been dwelling on how awful it must have been for my sister the last moments of her life. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt. It was a dark place to be sure. And then, God gently reassured me of something that gave me such peace. He said, “Anne, I was with her.”

Knowing that has made all the difference in the world. How do I know what he said to me was true? Because in God’s word, in Hebrews 13:5, he says, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” My sister knew Jesus and had a personal relationship with God. I know God was with her.

Some may ask, “Well, if he was there, why didn’t he try and stop it?”

And I have to say, that’s a question I asked him myself, until I realized he could have stopped those that killed his son, but he didn’t.

You see God gives us free will. And while we like the concept when it applies to us, the truth is some will choose to exercise their free will in ways that hurt others.

So, how do I have peace about the fact that my sister was killed? It’s a peace you can only get when you place your faith in God. When you are a child your parents were God to you, your authority. As you grew up you realized there were reasons for the decisions they made in your lives.

Likewise, as we learn about God and his character we get to the place where we trust him when we don’t understand the situation.

I do not understand my life,

it’s difficult for me,

some questions have no answers,

at least that I can see,

and yet, with every year I’ve grown,

there is a truth that God makes known,

I do not have to understand,

just simply take my Father’s hand.

God is God and he is infinite. In Isaiah 55:8 & 9 God says that his ways are higher than our ways, his thoughts are different than our thoughts. Sometimes we try and bring God down to our level in an attempt to understand things.

There are things I won’t understand till heaven, and I’m okay with that. But don’t get me wrong, this has been a journey, a long journey. And I have had a lot of times when I was really angry, when I’m still angry. The good news is that God understands my anger. He understands your anger. He can handle it. And trying to pretend you’re not angry is silly. He knows all your thoughts. God is also angry that my sister was killed.

I know that God loves me and that he will bring something good out of something so dark. That’s the kind of God he is. And when you’re feeling down, just let it out. When you’re feeling angry, tell him. God understands, he really does.




Anne Peterson is a poet, speaker, and the author of 42 Bible studies with www.christianbiblestudies.com You can find out more about Anne Peterson or her poetry by visiting her site at www.annepeterson.com

How can we Help?

by Anne Peterson

*   An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.

*   85% of domestic violence victims are women.

In college, while doing research about domestic violence I found a link with people who were abused while growing up and those who became victims of domestic violence. Women who have been abused while children grow up with feelings of shame. They somehow feel they deserve what happens to them.

A victim of domestic violence feels he/she can help the abuser.

A victim doesn’t realize the severity of his/her situation.

In their book, Safe People, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend talk about why some people seem to pick unsafe people.

“One of the chief reasons that we pick destructive people is that we are unable to judge character. Many times, when we are choosing important people in our lives, we do not think of character as the main factor. We look at how we feel, to whom we are attracted, or what seems to “pull” us towards a certain person. Our choices are very subjective.”

Having lost my sister, Peggy to domestic violence in September, 1982 I have given a lot of thought to her life. Although we were not aware of what she had endured in her 10 years of marriage, we were shocked when she was eventually declared dead after being missing for over 20 some years.

People ask why a victim stays in an abusive relationship. Many times a victim will stay because they honestly believe things will improve. When reality hits that this is how it’s going to be, some make the decision to leave the marriage. That’s when things get heated. In my sister’s case, once her husband realized she was divorcing him, then things got worse.

Looking back on her situation I am surprised she kept so much to herself. Victims often feel a sense of shame at not being able to keep the relationship together. The truth is, one person cannot make a marriage work.

Hindsight is 20/20. We wish we had known what was going on in my sister’s life all along. Maybe then we would have been in a position to help her.

Many times the victim will isolate herself from family members or friends. When they need others the most, they pull back.

Today many organizations exist whose main objective is the safety of those who are victims of domestic violence. These places provide safe havens for those who are battered. The vicim’s whereabouts are kept confidential to insure safety for her and family members. With safety experienced the victim is then freer to really look at her situation and to decide how she will proceed.

How can we help women who are in unhealthy relationships?

Be a listener. Hurting women need to talk.

Let the victim vent. It has been a while since they felt safe enough to express their feelings.

Look for tangible ways to lend a hand. Do they emotional support with their children?

Victims need a plan.

Encourage the victim to have a plan. A counselor once told her client to decide ahead of time a plan of action for the next time the partner was abusive.

Important components of that plan include:

Choose a safe place you can go. Make it a place that your partner is unaware of.

Make sure you have some money put aside. Don’t advertise that you have money.

Have a person you trust as a confidant.

If the victim does not take care of herself then she is not in a position to take care of others.

Truths for victims:

You will attract people who are as healthy as you are. Women can work on becoming emotionally healthy. Finding someone who can help them navigate this part of their lives is crucial.

Make sure you have support. Our emotions cloud our vision. Another perspective helps us see more clearly.

Your relationship does not define who you are. A partner does not make you more valuable than you are.

Learn that you are a woman of dignity. Do not allow others to disrespect you in any ways. Don’t make excuses when others mistreat you, like, he wasn’t feeling well, or I made him mad, he’s usually not like this.

Take care of yourself. Often victims are caretakers who look to the needs of others and do not look after their own needs. Somewhere along the line they believed that taking care of themselves was selfishness, so instead they focused on those around them. The problem is we cannot take care of anyone if we haven’t taken care of ourselves.

If you decide to leave the relationship, make sure you let others know what you are doing. People need each other, it’s the way we were made. Let others help you. Some would be happy to lend a hand. There may come a time when you will be the one helping someone else, but for now, ask for help.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish Peggy was still alive. I know we would have been involved in each other’s lives. We would have shared a lot of good times and even shared our grandkids.

I’m certain when she married her husband it was for life. No bride ever thinks their relationship will end violently, and yet, some will. 

Anne Peterson is a poet, speaker and author of 42 published Bible Studies as well as the author of articles for ChristianBibleStudies.com. You can find out more about Anne by going to her site, www.annepeterson.com Anne is also the sister of Peggy Dianovsky who was a victim of domestic violence.

Grieving is Hard.

By Anne Peterson

We all love clubs. Clubs enable us to belong to something bigger than ourselves.

When my sister Peggy Dianovsky was killed I became part of a club I never wanted to join; those who have lost a loved one to homicide.

Support is needed when going through difficult times. So I began looking for a grief group to attend. I found the people there very nice and warm but my situation was quite different. My sister had been missing for over twenty years so my grief was complicated. When I shared with the group that she had been killed I felt an invisible wall between me and the others around me. A couple of women had lost their husbands, while another member lost her father and was really struggling. Our losses were so different.

Then I heard about a homicide group that met once a month in Kane County Courthouse. I remember feeling uncomfortable as I was checked before I entered the courtroom. Laying my purse on the conveyor belt and removing my jacket became a regular thing each month. Deciding to attend those meetings was one of the wisest decisions I have ever made. That group was a life saver to me. In the 3 years I attended that group, I really cared about those in the group. Month after month we shared anniversary dates, apprehension we felt about upcoming birth dates of our loved ones, or our dread for the approaching holidays. I sat with people whose lives had been disrupted much like mine, losing a loved one to a violent death.

A different attorney was present at each meeting available to answer any legal general questions we might have. Many of our fears were assuaged as we gathered pertinent information. Those who had gone through the court experience were able to help those who would soon be experiencing it in coming months.
Dr. Brown, a Psychiatrist facilitated each meeting, encouraging us to talk about out loved ones. It was a safe place to do our hurting. A place we felt no judgment, or pressure to hurry up and get on with our lives. Also attending was the victim advocate for Kane County. You felt safe there. Like you could talk if you wanted to, or just sit there and quietly listen without pressure.

When a love one dies, one common fear is that he /she will be forgotten. Those meetings provided a place where we knew that wouldn’t happen.

I’m so thankful for that homicide group. Each town should have one. I did a lot of healing in that group. There was no pretense. I truly felt honored to sit and cry with other members in the group. Some would come in overcome with grief and did not know how to move on. Those of us who had been coming for a while encouraged those who were new. We were merely a handful of people trying to put one foot in front of the other.

One night we were told to bring pictures of our loved ones. One by one we talked about what our loved ones meant to us as they passed around our beloved pictures. It binded us even closer together.

If you are have lost someone to a violent crime, or your loved one is missing, find a group that can support you. And if you can’t find one, then start one. It really does lighten the load you are trying to carry.

Grieving is an interesting process. While attending a Hospice-sponsored grief seminar given by Tom Reardon, I learned that there are two types of grievers. There is an emotional griever who talks a lot of their grief out. There is also an instrumental griever. Instrumental grievers work out their grief by doing something. Reardon gave the illustration of a father who had lost his son. It was especially hard for the father because when he thought of Mike he remembered the project they didn’t get to work on. It was their dream to build a canoe and then take a canoe trip.

While Reardon talked with the father he asked if he was in a position to take a couple of months off of work. He shared he would be able to do that. Then the counselor encouraged him to do two things.

First, he was to make the canoe that he and his son had talked about. Secondly he was to take that canoe trip. At first, the father wasn’t certain he could even work on that project at all. But, with the encouragement of his counselor he began.

The father was surprised how working on the project gave him such peace. Once the canoe was finished he went on the trip without his son. His time was bittersweet. He enjoyed following through on their dream, thinking about his son every step of the way. This father truly was a perfect example of an instrumental healer.
After my sister Peggy’s trial we planned out a memorial. It was 2004 and she had disappeared in 1982. Still, we secured a church, planned a meal following the service unaware of how many would attend. We created a slide show with precious pictures that commemorated her life. Then we had a family member play “Fur Elise,” a song Peggy used to play on the piano. Afterwards her sons and the four of us each got up and shared what our sister meant to us. Afterwards we drove to the cemetery where our parents are also laid to rest. Standing on her empty grave we once again paused and reflected on Peggy.

Planning the memorial, working on the slideshow and making memorial handouts helped me grieve. While it has helped talking about her, I saw I needed to go further, doing something tangible. I got to do something that showed I loved her.

Grief is difficult. But if we think about it we can find people who can support us in our time of need. Find people you can talk to about your loved one, and if there’s something you can do to help you grieve, then do it.