The Mirror Solution to Child Sexual Abuse

by Barry Goldstein

The Pennsylvania Attorney General is now following-up by investigating some of the people who helped Jerry Sandusky continue to molest boys long after he should have been discovered and stopped. A recent news report described a meeting between the young man known at the Sandusky trial as victim #1, his mother and school officials. The boy had revealed Sandusky’s abuse to his school counselor. His mother demanded the school report Sandusky’s crimes against her son to the child protective authorities. The principal is being investigated because she attempted to discourage the mother from making a report. The mother told her she was going to the authorities to make the report. Despite her obligation as a mandated reporter, the principle called child protective to tell them to expect a visit from the mother and son, but not to take the allegations too seriously.

In recent times we have seen several stories, including Newtown where teachers and school administrators showed enormous courage and literally gave their lives to protect the children in their charge and here is a principal who allegedly undermined the efforts to protect a young boy from a criminal predator. It would be nice to think her behavior was the exception, but the reality is that when it comes to protecting children from sexual abuse, particularly when it is committed by someone they know, there is an awful pattern of adults giving more concern to the alleged rapists then to the children.

Is that an unfair characterization for the response to allegations of child sexual abuse in the United States and so many other countries? Consider that by the time children reach the age of 18, one-third of the girls and one-seventh of the boys have been sexually assaulted. Although mothers rarely make deliberately false allegations of sexual abuse, in 85% of cases in which mothers raise these concerns, the alleged abuser is given custody. This means courts are sending an awful lot of children to live with their rapists. The only thing worse than raising these grizzly statistics would be for someone to say it is inevitable and we do not have the ability to do a better job protecting children.

Certainly disgusting predators like Jerry Sandusky are responsible for their crimes. At the same time this principal and so many officials at Penn State could have acted differently and stopped him sooner. But again this is more than a problem caused by a few uncaring individuals. As a society we have long tolerated and helped keep secret the widespread victimization of our children. Attitudes, beliefs and tolerance of sexism make children more vulnerable. The solution for protecting these precious children lies as close as the nearest mirror. If the level of child sexual abuse crimes was believed and considered intolerable, we could create better responses that would drastically reduce these crimes. The principal had an opportunity to protect not only the boy in her school but other boys who later became victims of Sandusky. As tempting as it is to criticize her actions and inactions, we have no authority to do so until we do what she failed to do—work to prevent more children from being victimized by the predators among us.

The Enormous Life Long Harm of Sexual Abuse

In my first book, SCARED TO LEAVE AFRAID TO STAY, I told the story about a client who was sexually abused between the ages of 3 and 8 by her brother. He would spank her and touch her during his abuse. For many years she felt guilty because some parts of what her brother did were physically pleasurable. When the brother’s abuse was discovered, he was removed from the home, but she never received therapy because her parents did not believe in it. Much later, as an adult and in a marriage with an abuser she found a good therapist. One day the therapist brought out an empty chair and told our client to pretend the chair was the three-year-old girl. “Tell the girl what she did wrong,” the therapist asked the client. In that moment, for the first time she realized it wasn’t her fault.

A few months ago I wrote an article about the health impact of domestic violence and child abuse. I discussed a wonderful book by Kathleen Kendall-Tackett. Early in the book she was discussing how these traumas shorten children’s lives and speaking of the many common illnesses caused or worsened by these traumas. And then she mentioned diabetes----and I froze.

My mother died just a few years ago at age 84 of complications from diabetes. The last several years of her life were compromised by her diabetes and her need for dialysis. It was years after I was an adult and had started my work in the domestic violence movement that I learned that her uncle had touched her inappropriately when she was a teenager. I thought about this as I read the book. I will never know, but it is possible she would still be alive if my “great”-uncle had never abused her. We cannot know how these traumas impact an individual, but we do know that many wonderful people like my mom live shorter and more painful lives because of society’s tolerance of domestic violence, child abuse and other traumas.

Predators do not fit the kind of stereotypes that would make them easily identifiable. I can remember as a kid going out on this uncle’s boat and having a wonderful time. There was never any suggestion he had done anything so harmful. He was also a popular science teacher. I don’t know if he ever abused any of the students, but he did touch other girls in our family. I believe it is long past time for society to start taking these crimes far more seriously.

The long-term health impact from sexual abuse can occur in many different ways: The trauma can cause depression, PTSD and other mental health problems which in turn can lead to suicide; Stress, inflammation, eating and sleeping disorders can cause many of the most debilitating and fatal diseases; The violation of trust makes it harder to create and maintain good relationships; The impact of the assault may undermine the ability to concentrate in school and get an education needed to provide needed resources; Many victims run away from home creating additional dangers and vulnerabilities. Survivors often make bad decisions resulting in risky sexual behavior, substance abuse, crime, prostitution, relationships with abusive men and other self-destructive behaviors that undermine their health. These and other problematic circumstances combine to multiply the risks and harms.

Societal attitudes towards rape tend to reinforce guilt and embarrassment. In many cases survivors are blamed for the abuser’s actions. In response to most other crimes, victims can expect support and assistance, but the experience of rape and sexual abuse is often hidden out of concern for negative responses. In most cases where the offender is a friend or relative there is a danger of additional assaults or retaliation if the attack is revealed. And as many of the Penn State victims stated when asked why they didn’t report it sooner, there is good reason in our society to fear they will not be believed.

The fact that rape and other forms of sexual abuse are enormously harmful is not new or surprising. Still, the new medical and other research that demonstrates the enormity of the harm to victims is important. This research should create an urgency to prevent these crimes and help the children heal. There are many things we can do to salvage lives, but it must become safe to come forward and reveal his abuse and the resources must be in place to provide the needed treatment and therapy. Survivors should expect non-judgmental emotional support so they are willing to reveal what he did to them and seek the help they need.

The Myth about False Allegations

One of the major factors in the decision by District Attorney Bill Delahunt to develop a series of best practices that led to creation of the Quincy Model was a finding that almost every prisoner in a nearby high security prison had a childhood history of witnessing domestic violence or suffering sexual abuse. He realized that by protecting the community from these crimes he could reduce all crimes. He created an office to focus on child sexual abuse crimes. Delahunt was aware that many people tended to disbelieve allegations of incest, but he correctly understood most complaints were true. Aggressive prosecution of incest and other child sexual abuse crimes contributed to the substantial reduction in domestic violence and other crimes in Norfolk County.

The myth about false allegations of incest has a long history. Sigmund Freud originally published a study based on his work with incest victims that confirmed its frequency. Strong opposition from parts of society and particularly those who were committing these crimes led him to concoct a theory that the complaints were based on dreams and fantasies and were almost always false.

More recently organized efforts by sexual abusers and the professionals earning money by helping to defend them led to the promotion of theories designed to dispute child sexual abuse allegations. This included allegations that were based on therapy and recovered memory as well as the custody based Parental Alienation Syndrome. As with any myth, there has to be a kernel of truth to sustain it. There have been false allegations and convictions, and these are rightfully condemned, but are rare. Far more common are true allegations that are disbelieved.

Significantly child sexual abuse is a crime and so tends to be judged based on the high standard of proof required for a criminal conviction. This is based on our values that include not wanting innocent people to be convicted and jailed. This is why proof is required beyond a reasonable doubt which is a very high standard of proof. Child sexual abuse is particularly hard to prove because many types of abuse do not leave physical evidence or the evidence may no longer be available by the time the child reveals the crime. Many judges and juries expect strong physical evidence before they will believe child sexual abuse allegations and sometimes even this strong evidence is not enough.

It is indeed a horrible experience to be accused of sexual abuse and I understand the high standard of proof needed to avoid mistaken convictions. There is no justification, however to use this same high standard of proof when the issue is protecting the health and safety of children rather than sending someone to prison. Nevertheless we have seen many cases in which the decision of prosecutors not to bring charges (which would have to be proven beyond a reasonable doubt) is routinely used by child protective agencies and custody courts as proof the allegations are false. Even when this non-probative information is not cited, the extreme skepticism many professionals have towards incest allegations creates a huge obstacle that prevents children from being protected. The catastrophic consequences of exposing children to sexual abuse should require courts to err on the side of protecting the health and safety of children rather than protecting abusers.

The fact is that pursuing allegations of sexual abuse are extremely painful and embarrassing for the child and the safe parent. Children do lie about many things but rarely abuse. This is confirmed by studies that confirm deliberately false allegations made by mothers occur less than 2% of the time in contested custody cases. Nevertheless the Saunders’ study found that inadequately trained court professionals tend to believe the myth that mothers frequently pressure children to make false charges. The frequency that child sexual abuse allegations are disbelieved demonstrates both the difficulty in proving incest and the high percentage of evaluators and other court professionals attempting to handle cases without the specific training they need.

Perhaps the most damning demonstration of society’s tolerance for incest is the discrimination against children victimized by sexual abusers they know. When the alleged perpetrator is a stranger, the investigation is led by law enforcement and the purpose is to gather evidence to prosecute the rapist. The alleged offender is quickly and aggressively questioned and they seek to obtain agreement for a lie detector test. In other words they take the allegations seriously and do everything possible to protect the child.

When the alleged predator is someone the child knows, particularly a family member, the approach is completely different. The investigation is led by a social worker. They are required to provide notice to the parents which provides the opportunity for the molester to destroy evidence and silence the child. There is a delay in interviewing the child and the abuser. The purpose of the investigation is to reunify the parent and child and little effort is made to gather evidence. If the case later leads to a custody dispute, this lack of evidence caused by the substandard investigation is treated as proof the allegations are deliberately false.

Misleading Stereotypes

When the media actively covers a story about child sexual abuse it is usually about a pretty blond girl who has been raped or kidnapped by a stranger. This is one of the reasons that the stereotypical sexual predator is some stranger lurking to pick up children. The reality is that the large majority of child sexual abuse is committed by someone the victim knows. Accordingly, practices that focus mainly on strangers leave most child victims vulnerable and unprotected. The discriminatory response to child sexual abuse is based on these false stereotypes.

Closely connected to this stereotype is the common but unstated assumption that a man who is successful in other parts of his life could not be doing something so distasteful. This probably influenced the principal who knew Jerry Sandusky as a successful college football coach and founder of an organization dedicated to helping underprivileged children. She probably didn’t consider that predators often engage in activities that will bring them close to vulnerable children.

The sex abuse scandal in the Catholic Church was similarly abetted by this popular assumption. Dedicated priests devoting their lives to prayer and God would not abuse children. Certainly the church administrators would not tolerate priests who violated the commandments and broke the trust placed in them. This made it hard to believe the allegations of abuse by priests could be both true and as widespread as they turned out to be. Violations by Boy Scout leaders similarly tended to be disbelieved because the men involved were considered role models and leaders in the community.

These common mistakes have contributed to the failure of custody courts to believe true allegations of child sexual abuse and to protect the children. Many evaluators and other court professionals believe they can determine the truth about abuse allegations from observing the parties. They often fail to consider that an abuser acts very differently with the court professionals and indeed just about everyone else than he acts in the privacy of his home. In many cases evaluators and others have referenced glowing testimonials from friends and family as if it were proof the allegations could not be true. These witnesses are usually telling the truth, but they have no information about how he treats the mother and children in private.

At the same time, mothers may be angry, emotional and upset from the long history of their partner’s abuse and concern the court will not protect their children. The Saunders’ study found that court professionals pay far too much attention to mother’s anger and emotion; all out of proportion to what it says about her parenting. The Batterer as Parent and other experts have found that the best source of information about a father’s abuse and his likely future behavior is the mother.

Abused women pay close attention to their partners’ body language, tone of voice, choice of words and other clues that can provide early warning of his potential danger. This allows the mothers to attempt to diffuse the situation, usually by agreeing to what he wants, leave the home, call for help or shield the children, usually with her body in order to try to survive. Court professionals who rarely have an understanding of domestic violence dynamics just assume the mother is biased and fail to consider their best source of information. In many cases, this bias and ignorance has directly led to child murders after the court disbelieved the mother and provided the father with the access to the children he needed to kill them.

The fathers the courts see in custody cases do not look like stereotypical child molesters. Neither did Jerry Sandusky, the Catholic priests or the Boy Scout leaders who repeatedly violated the children in their trust. Trained professionals need to do a better job of avoiding manipulation by abusers who have long practice in fooling people.

The High Cost of Silence

Child sexual abuse is an unpleasant, painful and embarrassing topic, but our silence only makes it easier for the bad guys. The research about the enormous health consequences of tolerating child abuse and the unconscionable prevalence of these life-altering crimes demands that good people speak up and demand responses that will effectively protect our children.

In recent years we have seen effective “good-touch-bad-touch” programs that make young children aware of the dangers. Predators use many effective tactics to scare and silence children. This makes it particularly important to do everything possible to encourage children to report abuse or anything that makes them uncomfortable.

We have seen in the Sandusky case, Catholic Church and many custody cases how the practice of disbelieving children’s complaints discourages victims from revealing his abuse and allows these scandals to continue much longer. The use of these flawed practices encourages abusers because they correctly expect to get away with most of their crimes. Approaches that treat incest as a private family matter increase the risk to children.

Community silence is also devastating to our children. When we consider how devastating child sexual abuse is to the victim and the community it should be shocking to see the difficulty in obtaining laws and practices designed to protect children. Many states have had laws or practices that treat incest as less of a crime than assaults by strangers. Attempts to strengthen enforcement and eliminate incest exemptions have not had the near unanimous support they deserve. Campaigns to reduce or eliminate statute of limitation obstacles to victims suing their abusers have met significant opposition and have not always succeeded. This is important because children may have lost the memory of the abuse, as a defense mechanism for survival, or continue to face threats or risks for revealing the abuse. In some cases survivors have faced retaliation when they complain about their abuser.

This silence has been particularly deafening in response to the widespread failure of the custody courts to protect child sexual abuse victims. The media has failed to expose this scandal. The legislatures have failed to pass laws that require courts to make the safety of children their first priority. Professional organizations have failed and refused to discipline members who make a living ruining children’s lives by protecting the predators. Many judges have retaliated against protective mothers and professionals who criticized them for placing children in danger. And the public has stood by while the children’s lives are ruined and they are subjected to unspeakable pain and cruelty.


Child Sexual Abuse and Abortion

I personally believe that the government has no business telling women what to do with their bodies and it is particularly offensive for male officials to interfere with the medical needs and most fundamental privacy rights of women. At the same time I have many friends who sincerely believe that abortion is wrong and I respect their dedication. I am touching this issue, which I usually would not discuss in an article like this because of some interesting findings in the ACES and related research. The studies find that girls who are sexually abused are more likely to have abortions. This is not only because they might want to abort a baby conceived from rape, but the impact of sexual abuse often leads survivors to engage in risky sexual behaviors.

We have seen politicians focus on rare types of abortions and spend enormous attention and money seeking to ban these abortions despite the impact on the health and privacy of women. The research concerning the connection between child sexual abuse and abortion means that those who wish to prevent abortions could create laws and practices that would result in a larger reduction of abortions without interfering with the privacy of girls and women. Indeed, encouraging best practices to prevent rape and molestation of girls will make the lives of all girls and women much better. It should be a rare instance in which both sides of the abortion debate could agree. Once this connection becomes better known, the response of politicians and those who are working to prevent abortions will demonstrate the sincerity of their beliefs. How could they fail to take advantage of this research to prevent abortions by preventing child sexual abuse? For those who sincerely oppose abortion, protecting girls from incest and sexual assault should become a major priority.

Custody Courts Still Protect Sexual Predators

When mothers raise concerns about possible child sexual abuse during a custody case they frequently face responses from their attorneys refusing to present the evidence or strongly discouraging the moms from voicing their concerns and protecting their children. The attorneys’ motives range from disbelieving the allegation or not wanting to present it to concerns about the sufficiency of the evidence and the likelihood the judge will deny the allegations and punish the mother for making them. With few exceptions, these attorneys are not aware of the research that 85% of these allegations result in custody for the alleged abuser. Rather this response is based on their experience that judges generally do not want to hear about child sexual abuse and often respond in ways that hurt the mother and children. In some cases the lawyer is concerned the judge will be angry at them for presenting the information. This, of course, constitutes a conflict of interest as the attorney is undermining the client’s case to protect their personal and professional interests, but it is not the kind of ethics violation that courts or bar associations tend to take seriously.

This common response is an accurate reflection of the hostile reaction custody courts make to requests that they protect children from sexual abuse. Some of this reaction is caused by many years of listening to evaluators who are part of the cottage industry that makes large incomes supporting abusive fathers. Some of this reaction is caused by the frequent lack of training or research to inform decisions about domestic violence and child abuse. The bogus Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), based not on any research but rather a belief system by Richard Gardner that included many public statements that sex between adults and children can be acceptable. At the heart of the reaction that mostly fails to protect children is reliance on the myth that mothers frequently make false allegations of abuse.

While courts claim that protecting children is their highest priority, the results and their standard responses tell a very different story. I appreciate that there are many reasons for the courts’ failure, just as there are reasons for the frequency children in this society are subjected to sexual abuse. Nevertheless, if this was a genuine priority the responses would be very different and children would be much safer. It should not take the ACES study about the enormity of harm caused by child abuse, but if that is what it takes, let’s use it to protect the children.

Domestic violence experts often speak about the importance of context in understanding domestic violence cases. This is one of the many failures in the custody court system that tends to look at each issue and incident separately. The courts also look at each case separately and assume based on stare decisis that once a decision is made it must be correct. In many cases they won’t even consider new evidence which taken together with the previous evidence demonstrates the pattern of abuse. If custody court officials would look at the pattern of courts giving sexual predators access to the children and the research about how rare it is for mothers to make false allegations it would be easy to see that most of these decisions are catastrophically wrong.

Unfortunately we have seen extreme defensiveness and too often retaliation when concerns are raised that judges mishandled a case. This is particularly true in sexual abuse cases where it would be so distasteful for judges to realize they are responsible for the children being subjected to such vile behavior. We need the courts to be open to the new research, better practices and the need to rely only on professionals who have genuine expertise specifically about child sexual abuse.

Conclusion

When the scandals in the Catholic Church and Penn State finally broke, the public was rightfully outraged that so many children were left unprotected for so long. It was fair to blame the perpetrators and the administrators who failed to do their job and make protection of children the first priority. Many of us hoped that the exposure of these scandals would encourage reforms in the custody courts’ response to child sexual abuse because the same flawed practices and responses are involved. Thus far we have been disappointed.

Just as it would be helpful to custody courts to look for the patterns in abuse cases, the same is true for society’s failure to protect children from sexual predators, particularly close friends and family. As I mentioned earlier, by the time they reach the age of 18, one-third of the girls and one-seventh of the boys have been sexually abused. This presents an unmistakable pattern of society’s failure to protect its children.

This is a society that claims to treat children as precious. If a consumer product kills or injures a few children, it is big news, the product is recalled and the media is all over the story. So why do we continue to tolerate the much more widespread, life-altering trauma caused by sexual abuse? For this we must look in the mirror.

This is a topic we are uncomfortable discussing. Many people wish to disbelieve the allegations even though children rarely lie about abuse. How could respected judges, lawyers and psychologists even consider forcing children to live with their rapists? It is much easier to blame the mother for being vindictive. Is it any less shocking that respected priests could molest children and leading administrators would cover it up rather than making children’s safety the first priority? There came a point where the church denials and minimizations were overwhelmed by the evidence and huge number of children proven to be victims.

The public and the parishioners remained silent for far too long. We have reached the point with the custody courts that the research and evidence is so overwhelming that only shutting our eyes and closing our ears to the desperate pleas for help from the children and their mothers can permit the latest scandal to continue. It is time for the media to start doing their job of exposing court malfeasance and misfeasance. It is time for the courts to start discussing this problem with more than the usual suspects who have failed the courts and often make large incomes by doing so. Court administrators need to look at the research including the Saunders’ study and the ACES medical findings. Most of all it is time for all of us to look in the mirror and tell our children what we are doing to make them safe.

Barry Goldstein is a nationally recognized domestic violence expert, speaker, writer and consultant. He is the co-editor with Mo Therese Hannah of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY. Representing the Domestic Violence Survivor, co- authored with Elizabeth Liu is designed to train attorneys to present domestic violence cases and was released in April of 2013. Barry can be reached by email at Barryg78@aol.com

For more information about the new book, including access to the first approximately 50 pages or to purchase the book go to the publisher’s web site at http://civicresearchinstitute.com/rdv.html Elizabeth Liu and I have convinced our publisher to make available the last section of our chapter about GALs that lists and explains the best practices for GALs in domestic violence cases. You can now download and print this information and share it with your GAL. Everyone is welcome to share this information. I also hope you will check out my new Face book page, Barry Goldsteins Representing the Domestic Violence Survivor. Barry’s web site, www.Barrygoldstein.net is back up and running with new material.

Victim Empowering for Africa

By Lavinia Masters

Many of you know that being a victim of sexual assault does not bear any honor. As a matter of fact sexual assault is one of the most demeaning, destructive and heinous crimes that could ever happen to a human being. Normally after being a victim of sexual violence an individual is known to have no peace nor believe that their life or way of living cold ever be restored. I know and I concur because I was a victim of sexual assault…however I am now a survivor that has been given the opportunity to take the evil that has been stricken upon me and use it for the greater good so that others may know that there is life after the untimely mental, emotional and spiritual, death after sexual assault.

Recently Bode Technology and Inqaba Biotec held a Victim Empowerment DNA Forensics Conference throughout various regions of South Africa. I still remember the call like it was yesterday. Chris Asplen, the former Assistant US Attorney General for Janet Reno under the Clinton Administration, called and said that there was a need for me to share my victim story as I empower others of my survival and life after DNA. You see I was one of the victims that cases went “cold” over a period of time and was not solved until over 20 years later by the use of science and DNA Forensics. At first I was sure that this was a scam because why would someone be willing to fly me all the way to South Africa from Texas just to tell a story of sexual assault and my life after since DNA.

I later learned that the call for me to come to South Africa was not only legitimate but unfortunately so was the need. You see according to a survey for the period 1998–2000 compiled by the United Nations, South Africa was ranked first for rapes per capita. In 1998, one in three of the 4,000 women questioned in Johannesburg was raped, according to CIET Africa. Also South Africa has some of the highest incidences of child and baby rape in the world. A survey by CIET found 60% of both boys and girls thought it was not violent to force sex upon someone they knew, while around 11% of boys and 4% of girls admitted to forcing someone else to have sex with them. In a related survey conducted among 1,500 schoolchildren in the Johannesburg township of Soweto, a quarter of all the boys interviewed said that 'jackrolling', a term for gang rape, was fun. More than half the interviewees insisted that when a girl says no to sex she really means yes.

So you can imagine that the more I understood the growing issue of sexual violence in Africa and the thousands of cases that go unsolved and prosecuted… that I had to accept the call. This was not only an opportunity to go and convince the magistrates and powers that be that the use of DNA Forensics would not only help identify perpetrators of sexual violence but hopefully bring the number of incidences down by an alarming rate while at the same time empower the victim throughout the process. This is what I was called to do…being a sexual assault survivor is now my badge of honor.

Not only am I testimony that you can survive after something as heinous as sexual assault but I am a witness that having your crime solved through DNA can bring total closure for some and a peace of mind for others. I use to say that sexual violence has the same effects on victims no matter what race, color, gender or status quo and after visiting a country as beautiful as South Africa with the impoverished and wealthy citizens; I know that without a shadow of doubt that this statement is true. We live in a country that has made so many advances in science and technology and great movements for the rights and safety of our people that sometimes I wonder if we forget about those that are less fortunate than us. No one deserves to be violated and everyone deserves to be healed.

Proudly, I filled in my missing pieces to a much larger puzzle for the advancement and safety of all mankind when I accepted the call to Africa. I stood proud as an American that now live in completion because others sacrificed their time and talents to help in my healing process. I was once that victim that gave myself foolishly to men as I looked for love in all the wrong places yet now I am a victor that give of myself willingly to those that feel that there is no peace after their trauma. As that victim I questioned God as to why He allowed such a horrific thing to happen to me but as a victor I now thank God for He has not only given me the strength and courage to heal but to help others as He uses me as a vessel for an assignment such as this.

Overall I know that the conference was a success as the team that was assembled gave powerful presentations of the win-win consequences of DNA for Africa. My prayer is that all mankind becomes more involved for all mankind. There is no room for selfishness when it comes to protecting ones way of living or the freedom to be free. As a human race we need to remove all borders and tunnel vision if we want our world to survive. It is hard to fight an invisible monster but through the use and science of DNA, God has given us visibility and with this visibility we can expose, destroy and bring justice to this worldwide monster…the monster of sexual violence.



Lavinia B. Masters is the Founder of S.A.V.E. Ministry http://saveministry.org

Minimizing Rape: Who is Accountable?

By Gayle Crabtree

Could someone please tell me what an alleged reporter was thinking when he wrote the piece called Vicious Assault Shakes Texas Town.

In this article, the NY Times reporter James C. McKinley, JR writes about how the rape of an 11 year old is reverberating through a town. What he doesn’t write about is how the rape is reverberating through the child’s life and the life of her family.

Beginning with the title, the article takes the fast track downhill. You bet the town is shaken. It should be. The reported gang rape of an 11 year old should shake any town to the core! Rape should never be condoned. Further, there is no excuse for an article to even suggest that a child (or adult) is to blame.

The problem is that the tone of this article seems to side with the alleged perpetrators. (I say alleged because everyone is innocent until proven guilty under the law.)

I’d like to know who told the reporter that it’s ok to quote comments about the way a child dresses. In the article he says that unnamed neighborhood residents said that the girl “she dressed older than her age”. Another quote asks “Where was her mother?”

Statistics from the Rape Abuse Incest National Network tell us that someone is sexually assaulted every 2 minutes in the United States. The stats go on to say that 44% of victims are under the age 18. 

The truth is that it doesn’t matter what she wore, where her mother was or who she took a ride from. No one deserves to be raped. The fact that she was only 11 and gang raped, makes the crime more horrendous not less.

Making matters even worse is that the article says that parts of the rape were video taped on cell phones which were passed around at school.

The article goes on to mention that basketball players from the high school may be involved. There is mention of an adult son of a prominent person in the town may also be involved.  

Then, there is a mention that the monsters who allegedly did this will have to “live with this the rest of their lives”. The child who was raped will have to live with it too.  Any survivor can tell you that rape is a life sentence for the victim.

Missing from the article is any information about that. Nothing is written about how many rape victims develop post traumatic stress disorder. There is no mention of any of the ways this could affect such a young girl.  A girl, who is young enough that her mother says “still loves stuffed bears”.

Change.org has a petition calling for the NY Times to apologize to the child for blaming her for being gang raped. So far just over 29,000 signatures have been collected. Would you like to add yours? Click on the Change.org link to speak out now.

Gayle Crabtree is the Founder of Hope For Healing.Org, a nationally recognized speaker with RAINN, and a survivor of sexual assault.




Editor's note:  This positive statement was recently released. There is power if we take a stand!

Big news! After a massive outcry from more than 40,000 Change.org members -- which led to news coverage in the Huffington Post, Village Voice, and even London’s Daily Mail -- New York Times public editor Arthur S. Brisbane has issued a strong rebuke of the victim-blaming in a recent article by reporter James McKinley about the gang-rape of an 11-year-old girl and her community's response.  

Brisbane wrote said that the outrage was "understandable" and that the piece conveyed "an impression of concern for the perpetrators and an impression of a provocative victim" that "led many readers to interpret the subtext of the story to be: she had it coming."

The apology isn’t perfect -- it decries the lack of "balance," as if the paper should be providing equal voice to the concerns of the victims and her alleged attackers. And unfortunately, while the story ran in section "A" of the Times, Brisbane’s commentary showed up only online, not in his weekly column.

But because the Times is so high-profile, this condemnation still sends an important message to reporters all around the U.S. that readers will hold them accountable for insinuating that victims are somehow responsible for playing a role in their own sexual assaults. And you made this happen.

No More Drama!

By Lavinia Masters

Sometimes in order to help others you have to share some of your deepest and darkest secrets about yourself. Even if they didn’t start out or intended to be secrets. Sometimes they are the very things that we are all afraid of…some of our darkest fears. Those very things that you once figured that if anyone would ever find out that it would not only humiliate and embarrass you but possibly discredit your image and character forever. An image that you tried so hard to keep respected in the public eye and a character that you maintained to appear to be more “precious” than rubies to all.   

You fear these secrets because they take you to a too familiar place…the unknown. In your heart you figure that if one word about your past behaviors is uttered that you would be totally ashamed. If others really knew how you carried yourself in certain situations or some of the thoughts that you had when you were out of “touch” then others would definitely look at you differently. You worked hard to be that woman in Proverbs 31; that virtuous one or that righteous man in Psalms 37:30…now you have to maintain.

How can you consciously handle people smiling in your face and laughing and talking behind your back? It shouldn’t even be an afterthought when we begin to realize that people will begin to do this without knowing your secrets. Those very same people that “gawk” at our past hold some very dark and dirty secrets themselves. No one is perfect. Even though some secrets are not even our burdens to bear because we had no control over what transpired in the first place.

Unfortunately we all have skeletons in our closets. Skeletons that we oftentimes try to bury so deep that they turn into demons that later come back to terrorize and haunt us. These once hidden secrets turned demons can prevent us from moving forward in your lives mentally, psychologically, spiritually and sometimes even physically. It is almost too late before you realize that you are living a life that is only a shell of your true being. You are a figment of your own imagination. You are living a lie.

Although it is sometimes hard to comprehend at first you finally understand that it is a reality. Sometimes when we hoard or try to conceal our secrets of our past we begin to deceive ourselves and others. We find ourselves beginning to lie through our everyday speech and actions just to save our image. We continue to cover up and withhold truths about ourselves and portray someone or some being that is not real. The very secrets that have haunted us for so long, the ones that humiliated us can ultimately overcome and destroy us. Now I can almost understand why the Bible says “that a liar will not tarry in Gods’ sight” or in other words He will not tolerate nor accept one…a liar. For we are not even being honest with ourselves and others so how can we expect to be honest with God?

I had a secret. A secret that was so dirty and so shameful that I just knew that I had it etched into my forehead. A secret that I did not even have a reason to conceal but I did. A secret that was caused by another but it only seemed to directly affect me. I carried the guilt. I carried the shame and ultimately I began to live a lie. This secret turned into one of my most challenging demons even though the offense was against me. Pretending to be ok when I was not… was a lie. Laughing and smiling on the outside while tears drowned my heart and soul on the inside was miserable.

I lived a life of lies and deception for so long that I not only began to hate myself but others. I would sometimes scream to the top of my lungs because I wanted so bad for the real me to emerge. However I was too shameful and the pain and agony of my secret cut deep like a knife. I hated that I could no longer express my true feelings by words or trust in others like I use to do. The beautiful smile, the winning personality and the manner able young lady was all a cover up.

I was angry and I was bitter. I despised people… especially men. I hated everyone I knew and because I was damaged by another it was my goal to hurt those that crossed up my path. My life here on earth and my very existence was in question daily and I was damaged goods. Yes, I lived a lie and I was a liar and alone I dwelled because no one wants to knowingly join crazy in a crazy world.

I carried a demon of malice from childhood to adulthood and because I allowed myself to wallow in my sorrows for so long my heart had become calloused. I crippled my own self. I lived in pity; I lived in a world of confusion. You could speak English clearly and it would all translate into Swahili to me. What was normal to me was abnormal to all and what was normal to others was totally idiotic to me.

The state that I was in was all because of the shameful secret of sexual assault that turned demonic but by the grace of God I finally decided that the day has come that I declare no more drama in my life.

Pay it Forward

By Michelle Simonsen

It was a sub-zero night in January, 1992.  I was 18 and ready to have some beers with my friends on a Saturday night before school resumed for the second semester.  I remember feeling safe and happy with my friends before we wandered through the frozen tundra looking for the next party.

In a few hours I would be raped.  By one of my “friends”.

After the party, we came back together and hung out in a friend’s dorm room.  I had way too many beers and was feeling really groggy and sleepy.  I crashed on the bottom bunk of my friend’s bed.  I wasn’t worried.  Every single person in that room was my friend and I trusted them.  Later I heard someone say, “Will someone take her down to her room?”  “Jim” responded that he would and then carried me over his shoulder down a flight of stairs to my room. 

That was the last thing I remember.

I was dreaming about my boyfriend who was 2,000 miles away in Marine boot camp.  When I opened my eyes and the hazy fog cleared, I realized my boyfriend was not in my bed.  It was my “friend” Jim.  I didn’t have to ask any questions.  I knew what he had done to me.  I started crying hysterically.  Jim said nothing to me.  He just walked out and I never spoke to him again.  I also never confided to any of my friends or tried to call the police.  I knew what happened to the girls who tried to press rape charges on campus.  They never won, because the system forced them to walk away.  They were shamed.  They didn’t know how to reach out to others just as I didn’t.

I spent the rest of my college years spiteful, defensive and angry. I used to think that moment was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  Somehow I took a negative and turned it into a positive.  I hope to continue paying it forward in my quest for helping others who have been victimized. 

If you too are a victim, consider taking that negative you are holding in your heart and reach out to others.  You’ll never know how good it feels when you say, “I know exactly how you feel.”

Legal System For Victims of Family Violence is Like Shattered Glass

By Susan Murphy Milano

Most of us who hear stories on the news about domestic violence tend to think in terms of a “single incident” or, a “one time only” act of violence. Or at times we hear others question and blame victims for being involved in these types of dangerous sitations. But we must understand that the world in which these "victims" live, is often no different than captured and tortured prisioners of war. The vanished, the missing, the murdered all were calculated and planned out by an abusive, angry and controlling individual.


 The term “DOMESTIC VIOLENCE” is a continuing pattern of behavior which can include : repeated harassment, stalking or surveillance of the victim,' threats and intimidation, bodily harm, sexual assault, child abduction or the constant threat , that can escalate, in some cases to murder . In most abuse cases, the danger continues despite the victim’s attempts to get help from traditional sources. For example, after a battered woman seeks assistance from the courts or separates from her abuser, she statistically runs a greater risk of increased harm. The abuser is furious, and steps up his behavior and violent attacks. And often the victim is left to fend for herself when it comes to protecting her life. 


 Local shelters play an important role in not only providing a safe place to go, but many victims are unaware that shelters also assist victims in obtaining orders of protection, counseling and legal assistance. To visit them on the web: http://www.ncadv.org or their tool free number is 1-800-799-SAFE. The phones are answered twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. 


 Many women are victims of chronic abuse. They have been threatened with repeated violence or even death. Victim’s are no stranger to the court system, they have often waded through stacks of police reports, orders of protection filings and numerous criminal complaints. They have spent long hours in the courtroom seeking protection through the legal system. And with each step a victim takes, in some situations, their abusers have become increasingly violent toward them. 


As a society, we still sweep the issue of domestic violence aside, like disposable garbage. I hear comments all the time “why can’t she just leave” or “ she must have done something to provoke his behavior.” No one drives anyone to commit acts of violence and terror. The abusers do this because society has allowed them to get away with their behavior of power and control. 


We have come a long way when it comes to drinking and driving. Laws across the country, are strict and often severe in nature. A person found guilty of drinking and driving no longer gets off with a slap on the wrists. They do serious jail time for this crime. 


Why are we unable to do apply the same logic when it comes to Domestic Violence? 


Is it because we think off it as a private matter between two consenting adults? Drinking used to be a private matter, involving consenting adults, until people started getting killed, then organizations fought hard to get tough legislation passed. There has been tough legislation passed over the years on abuse and stalking related crimes by organizations across the county. It is no longer enough. Technology has assisted the abusers in their efforts to control and harass their prey.

As you read the tragedies with your morning coffee, realize, more must be implemented to assist victims in leaving safely.

Current laws were not signed by elected officials with a pen of ink, but with a pen of blood, of all those who lost their lives.

Illinois Inmate Release: Old and New Victims

By Dora Larson, Guest Writer




Dear Sir,

I am writing on behalf of Illinois Victims.Org., as Vice President of our organization and as a survivor victim of my 10 year old daughter, Vicki's murder, we want to know, did you give any thought of or about the victims of these inmates being released?  Our organization works for victim rights and want to know what provisions were put in to ensure victims of these inmates were notified and will there be any assistance and/or financial aid for those victims?  We also want a listing of all inmates being released.  This is a right of public information, but we want a copy from your office.

The victims of these inmates don't easily move on after their homes have been violated. Children who have lived in a neighborhood where drugs deals are made (some times guns were involved) live in fear and the elderly who have been victimized have a difficult trusting again.  The inmates you choose to release will most likely go back to the same area they were arrested and their victims will most likely come face to face with the person who destroyed their lives.  What are you going to do to help these innocent victims?  If you did not know or have not been  told, there is NO such thing as a victimless crime!  I have worked with victims for 30 years and have worked with every form of victimization.  I know their fears, concerns and hurt made real by the kind of inmate you are releasing.

Did you hire more parole officers?  If not, these officers were already over worked with their case load and now they have a thousand more offenders.  There are few jobs available for the general population and now you're putting a thousand more people on the streets before their prison time is up applying for a job.  You have no idea how the job market would be if all these inmates were imprisoned for their full sentence. 

To finish, any so called non-violent inmate is capable of becoming a violent offender due to circumstancs they face and the choices they make.  I pray none of us are sorry that a money issue was the only reason these inmates are being put out on our streets and neighborhoods a year or so too soon.

I want an answer and a copy of the inmates being released from you or your staff within 10 days.  I look forward to hearing from you.

I remain,

Dora Larson

VP Illinois Victims. org




Voice Of The Victims


This is the letter I sent to Illinois Governor Quinn from our group, Illinois Victims.Org.  When this letter was sent to him little did any of us know the number of inmates being given an early release was 1700 not 1000 as was reported.  The releases were started in Sept. 2009 not November 2009.  Do you see the pattern of lies the citizens of Illinois were spoon fed by the Governor of our state?

"A liar is never to be trusted," were the words my Grandpa Brooks always said.  My Grandpa was my mentor and the reason I'm still around fighting for victims after all these years.  He wanted us to live by, " Always give back" and follow his deep faith in Christ.  I'm so very thankful for all Grandpa's advice and love.  And I want to live like he did, humbly and knowing, helping others helps you.  So, with his never forgotten guidance I'm ready to take on any one who even thinks of harming an innocent victim.

The papers in our area have been printing nonstop articles of what horrible crimes these so called "non offenders" are committing.  One case involved an early released inmate and his girl friend who beat a poor woman for not giving them a cigarette when they asked for one.  Several pieces have been about the "not to be trusted" Governor trying to defend his postion for this failed plan because he wanted to save money for the state.  The latest report has him calling the IDOC Director a rougue for releasing some of the inmates and the state legislators for not voting to provide more money to his budget.  When a person blames someone and/or everyone else for his mess and harmed people, would you trust that person?    

Illinois Victims org. is doing all we can to reach out to old and newly created victims, helping the IDOC do more for victims of their housed offenders, and holding the Governor's feet to the fire to make him answer many questions he has yet to address.

I wonder if a person with his mindset is ever to be trusted even as his mouth is moving?

I have always prayed a time would come when there is never another victim, but until I get to be with my Vicki and my Grandpa Brooks, I'll be fighting for victims of crime.  I'll always work to elect people we can TRUST.  Do you like my plans?  If you answered yes, join in the fight  who ever you are, where ever you are or what ever time you have to give.

God Bless all of you.


Dora Larson is the mother of a young 10 year old girl, Vicki, who was brutally murdered.  You can read about Vicki and how her mother has been fighting for justice for, not only her own daughter, but for many others.    A Terrible Case of GOOD vs. EVIL

Does a Rose by Any Other Name Really Smell So Sweet?

By Randy McCall


Pardon me if I pull up my soapbox.


I want to talk about words. Actually, certain specific words and phrases. Words which the political pundits, some people in the media, and those with a personal axe to grind, seem to misuse on a regular basis.


Words have power, as we all know. Words not only carry specific definitions, but often emotional overtones, or subtexts of implied meaning which are generally accepted and implicitly understood by the public.


If I call an average citizen a hero for, say, capturing a criminal, you'll all know exactly what I mean. There's more though... there's a whole range of subtext that comes with the word. What images come to mind when you say the word "hero" to yourself? Brave? Unselfish? Self sacrifice? Rescue? Sounds wonderful, doesn't it?


Yet, given the situation, I could just as easily call the same person a vigilante for their actions... and that word carries with it a whole other host of implied not-so-positive meanings: illegality, violence, revenge.


Yet we're talking about the same person and events.


So words themselves -- and the choice of words -- can have a great power to change how people think about the subject being written about.


What does this have to do with victim rights? As I mentioned earlier, there are a host of words which get misused repeatedly; some apparently on purpose, when someone is trying to cast another person or group in a specific light.


Sometimes other words get misused because the way a word is used is slowly changing (in slang or street language) and the writer doesn't realize how that word will be interpreted by some of their readers.


Finally, there are times the writer is just using a different dictionary than everyone else: for example, the dictionary definition of a word may be completely than, say, the legal definition of the word.


Today I'd like to put the record straight on just a few of these oft misused words and phrases. Which is why I said I'm "pulling up my soapbox" today. From here on, what you'll be reading are my opinions, my observations, and -- well, let's face it -- my pet peeves. You may disagree, and I'd be glad to hear from you in the comments area if you do.


So, let's take a look at these one at a time.



Sexual Assault, Sexual Abuse and Rape


These three words often get tangled up when used by writers who aren't used to both the common and legal definitions. It doesn't help that dictionaries often give definitions of sexual assault and sexual abuse and rape which are practically identical. Yet, observation shows that each is mostly used to describe only certain specific crimes or types of victims. Rather than specific dictionary definitions, we have to look at how these phrases are generally used and accepted.


The fastest and easiest way of doing is to do a search in Google News for the these phrases. Just click on the following links and see the kind of stories that come up:

• Google News search: Sexual Assault
• Google News search: Sexual Abuse
• Google News search: Rape
  

In general, you'll notice that the term "sexual assault" is almost entirely used to refer to late-teen and older victims who have suffered a single episode (of indeterminate duration) of unwanted sexual contact, short of actual rape. If there was more than one incident, writers normally talk about "repeated sexual assaults". On the other hand, the term "sexual abuse" is mostly used to refer to (and in most people conjures up images of) pre-teens and adults who have experienced repeated episodes of sexual assault or rape over an extended period of time: months or even years.


When it comes to the word "rape" (sexual assault with penetration), you'd think it would be hard to misuse or misunderstand, wouldn't you? But I've seen numerous instances where the writer uses the phrase "sexual assault" rather than the word rape, mostly -- from my observations -- in a (conscious or unconscious) attempt to soften the emotional burden on the reader.


Why do I have a problem with this? Simply because it minimizes what the victim went through. I have seen cases where a victim of rape finally decides to tell friends what happened to them, only to hear back: "What? You were raped? But I saw in the paper it was only sexual assault...".


So to all writers, let me say: If you're going to write about this subject at all, be honest with yourself, and with your readers. Honor what the victim has gone through. Attempting to minimize the crime also minimizes the victim.



Survivor


I've found that this word is can be very confusing to those not familiar with the lexicon of the crime victim assistance world.


In recent years, many victims of crime have started to refer to themselves -- and ask that others refer to them -- as survivors, not victims. Why? They feel that by being continually called a victim means they are forever identified as the victim of the perpetrator; that, effectively, they are forever labeled as being defeated, lesser, reduced by what that individual has done to them. They're not, as they'll loudly tell you. The perpetrator did something to them once, but that was in the past. They refuse to be defined by the act committed against them. They go on, they grow, they flourish... they have survived the event.


Of course, this clashes with the common use of "survivor" when referring to the family members of those killed by homicide, or those involved, but not killed, in an accident or disaster. If the language is misused, it can create terrible confusion in your readers.


If a victim of a crime asks to be described as a survivor, listen to them... it will mean much to their self-image and help in their recovery if you do so. Then, for the sake of your general readership, please take the few sentences to explain why you're referring to them as a survivor... it will prevent so much confusion!



Victimhood and Victimology


The misuse of these two words is particularly rampant on Internet blogs.


Victimhood, or the "cult of victimhood", is a term many pundits use to describe when a person or group claims the mantle of being a victim, of: (pick any or all of the following) racial or religious intolerance, bias, or of mistreatment b society in general. These authors imply these people or groups do this in order to avoid effort, to avoid blame, to procure sympathy, or to demand financial or emotional support.


Victimology, on the other hand is:

"...the scientific study of victimization, including the relationships between victims and offenders, the interactions between victims and the criminal justice system — that is, the and courts, and corrections officials — and the connections between victims and other social groups and institutions, such as the media, businesses, and social movements.

In fact, in its most up-to-date incarnation, victimology -- which first started out in the 1950s as a term from the field of criminology that referred to the study of how the actions of victims contributed to their becoming victims of crime -- has developed into an entirely separate profession and field of study, focused on helping victims of crime, tragedy and the abuse of power.


Instead, what we see are many blog writers using the term pejoratively, interchangeably with victimhood, when speaking of groups or individuals who are falsely claiming a form of victimhood for their own benefit. For example: "They're just using that victimology to demand better treatment", or "That group is faking victimology".


These authors are taking the word completely out of context, and assigning their own meaning to it, apparently because it sounds scientific, with an assumption of applied authority. Colloquial dictionaries are even listing how this word is misused in insulting or minimizing contexts. If we similarly twisted the language when using other words, we'd be writing that criminology is the study of how to become a criminal, or that psychology referred to people pretending to be psychos.


Oh, it may well be that the accepted use of the word is changing (as I mentioned can happen), and eventually it might come to mean both the science of aiding victims of crime, as well as slang for the practice of calling oneself a victim for advantage.


I, for one, will fight this till my last breath. But that's just me. Can just I ask, for myself and others in the field of victimology, if the urge comes upon you to misuse the word as I've described, just say NO, ok?


On a final note, I'd like to ask all writers, pundits, politicians and the media... take care how you use (or misuse) your words. Not only will you get your point across in a much clearer fashion, but you'll also come across as well informed and empathic to those who have been victims of crime and the people who work with them.

Overcoming Fear

by Tanya T. Warrington

One common denominator for all victims of violent crime is the acrid taste of fear that is left behind. We victims and former victims struggle with fears that it might happen again, that we don’t have the strength to carry on with normal living, and that in some way we are responsible for the trauma. 

We wrestle with or work hard to bury, frightening questions. If there is a God who loves me why didn’t He prevent this? If I am a good person why am I suffering such loss? If the other person is guilty why is he receiving such a light penalty? 

Then there are the self-judgments that fear generates.  If I’d only done one thing differently, then this horrible nightmare could have been averted—I am cursed. I should have known this was coming, all the signs were there—I am stupid.  If someone was okay with treating me this way, then there must be something wrong with me—I am defective.

We can try to deny fear and dismiss it. It doesn’t work for any length of time, no matter how many times we tell ourselves that we shouldn’t be afraid.

The trauma happened. It is normal to feel fear after a violent crime has ripped away our sense of security and brought us face to face with evil, with human sin run rampant.

So, what do we do with the fear that we never wanted? How do we process the betrayal(s) that shook us to our core? How do we move on without being crippled by the fear that hangs on to our heels?

To heal the deep wounds left on our heart, mind, soul, and body, we must face our fear. To move on after abuse, murder, kidnapping, rape, mugging, and other violent crimes we must face many fears, one at a time as they surface. 

As an incest survivor, date rape victim, former abused wife, and the parent of children who were sexually assaulted by another, I’ve had piles of fear to overcome. As a Christian, I turn to God for help with the massive task. With God’s help, I’ve learned how to face fears, how to accept them, how to analyze them, and how to take appropriate action in response. 

Here are steps that I take that might help you as you free yourself from that heap of fear that hinders wholeness and peace in your life. The perpetrator’s wrong and unjust actions brought the fears, but you are the one who can deal with your fears and grow in the process. Following are steps that I have found helpful in prevailing over fear:

1. Ask God to help you honestly face your fears.
2. Acknowledge each fear whenever it arises. I am frightened that_______________.
3. Write down the fear in a journal, say it aloud, or talk to a trusted friend about your fear.
4. Explore what the fear is telling you. Pray for wisdom so you can analyze the fear realistically. Are there current dangers that need to be addressed by seeking help from others, by taking precautionary steps, or by trying a new way of doing something? Are there emotions that need to be accepted and processed?
5. Let the fear go. I mentally place the fear in God’s capable hands. God invites us to cast all our anxieties upon Him because He cares for us (1Peter 5:7). I consider fear a heavy burden and I’ve learned that God is willing and able to take care of it.
6. Ask God for the courage to continue doing what is right and good, without letting any other fears stop you. Practice making decisions about how you want to live and then take actions that line up with those desires.

Expect fears to continue to resurface. Healing from trauma is a process, one that takes far longer than we would like. I’ve found that when fears resurface, dealing with them happens quicker and less painfully than the previous time. Progress is made. Healing happens in a deeper layer. My character is shaped. My life becomes more full and rewarding. 

God is an expert at healing and we can trust Him and re-learn to trust ourselves through the healing process.