Darkness to Light

By Lavinia Masters

Darkness in contrast with brightness is a relative absence of visible light. It has an appearance of black in a color space. When light is not present, rod and cone cells within the eye are not stimulated and this lack of stimulation means that photoreceptor cell are unable to distinguish color frequency and wave length. The resulting perception is achromatic (or without color) and in the case of darkness…black.

The emotional reaction to darkness has metaphorical importance in many cultures…such as science: a dark object absorbs photons (a quantum of visible light) and therefore appears dim in comparison to other objects. Therefore light can simply be absorbed without limit because energy like visible light cannot be created or destroyed. It can however only be converted from one type of energy to another. Most objects absorb visible light and remit it as an infrared light so although an object may appear dark; it is likely bright at frequency that a human eye cannot see.

Then if we speak poetically about darkness we find that darkness can also mean the presence of shadows, evil and depression. Religious texts often use darkness to make a visual point. In the Bible, darkness was the second to last plague (Exodus 10:21) and the location of “weeping and gnashing of teeth” (Matthew 8:12). The use of darkness as a rhetorical device has a long standing tradition. Shakesphere referenced satan in his plays as the “prince” of darkness; while Chaucer a 14th Century Middle English writer, wrote that knights must cast away the “worker of darkness” and Dante described hell as “solid darkness stained”.

Moreover if we speak about darkness artistically we discover that darkness can also be used to emphasize or contrast with light. Take color paints for example they are mixed together to create darkness because each color absorbs certain frequencies of light.

So emotionally, physically and mentally this is the place where I dwelled after July 31, 1985…darkness. This was the night that I was brutally raped and attacked in the privacy of my own home as a child. This is the night that I thought day would never come and my “dark areas” had so limited light sources that it made things hard to see.

My life was in contrast with brightness, my life had an absence of visible light, my life had the appearance of “black” in all my color space and because there was no light present my life was no longer stimulated and because I could no longer distinguish life from death my will to survive was “black”.

It was not until after I almost lost all that I had, which was my family, that I realized that the overshadowing of my darkness was way too loud and I needed to find my way back to light. I not only desired to be visible to the human eye but I desired my life, heart, soul and purpose to be stimulated. I desired to begin to distinguish my joys from my pains and to replace my fears with bravery. I no longer wanted to absorb all the mixed emotions and self inflicted pain that being a victim carries.

I had to understand and believe that the visible light that God had created within me was not created by my circumstances so therefore it could not be destroyed by my circumstances. I realized that a victim that lives in the shadows of darkness not lonely remains depressed but has a tendency of depressing everyone that comes into contacts with them. When I looked into the mirror I did not like what I could not see…I did not see life, I did not see hope, I did not see a future, I did not see joy, I did not see peace and worst of all I could not see me.

Sexual and relationship violence are occurrences that no one likes to talk about but unfortunately they are indeed occurrences that happen every day…even as you read this blog. So as advocates and survivors we not only have to continue to speak up and out against these types of offences but we also have to learn how to protect, preserve and nourish the survivor in all of us.

As survivors we must learn that you are and deserve the best because God created you and designed you after His own image. A survivor is a person of worth, a person of beauty, a person of strength but most importantly a person of courage! Darkness has no place where there is worth and it cannot overshadow beauty… let it also be understood that darkness is weak where there is strength and darkness breaks loose where courage presides.

Let your light shine through your darkness…let your light lead you from the darkness.



Lavinia B. Masters is the Founder of S.A.V.E. Ministries which assists victims of sexual abuse and intimate partner violence in the Dallas, TX area, and the author of Breathe Again.

No More Drama!

By Lavinia Masters

Sometimes in order to help others you have to share some of your deepest and darkest secrets about yourself. Even if they didn’t start out or intended to be secrets. Sometimes they are the very things that we are all afraid of…some of our darkest fears. Those very things that you once figured that if anyone would ever find out that it would not only humiliate and embarrass you but possibly discredit your image and character forever. An image that you tried so hard to keep respected in the public eye and a character that you maintained to appear to be more “precious” than rubies to all.   

You fear these secrets because they take you to a too familiar place…the unknown. In your heart you figure that if one word about your past behaviors is uttered that you would be totally ashamed. If others really knew how you carried yourself in certain situations or some of the thoughts that you had when you were out of “touch” then others would definitely look at you differently. You worked hard to be that woman in Proverbs 31; that virtuous one or that righteous man in Psalms 37:30…now you have to maintain.

How can you consciously handle people smiling in your face and laughing and talking behind your back? It shouldn’t even be an afterthought when we begin to realize that people will begin to do this without knowing your secrets. Those very same people that “gawk” at our past hold some very dark and dirty secrets themselves. No one is perfect. Even though some secrets are not even our burdens to bear because we had no control over what transpired in the first place.

Unfortunately we all have skeletons in our closets. Skeletons that we oftentimes try to bury so deep that they turn into demons that later come back to terrorize and haunt us. These once hidden secrets turned demons can prevent us from moving forward in your lives mentally, psychologically, spiritually and sometimes even physically. It is almost too late before you realize that you are living a life that is only a shell of your true being. You are a figment of your own imagination. You are living a lie.

Although it is sometimes hard to comprehend at first you finally understand that it is a reality. Sometimes when we hoard or try to conceal our secrets of our past we begin to deceive ourselves and others. We find ourselves beginning to lie through our everyday speech and actions just to save our image. We continue to cover up and withhold truths about ourselves and portray someone or some being that is not real. The very secrets that have haunted us for so long, the ones that humiliated us can ultimately overcome and destroy us. Now I can almost understand why the Bible says “that a liar will not tarry in Gods’ sight” or in other words He will not tolerate nor accept one…a liar. For we are not even being honest with ourselves and others so how can we expect to be honest with God?

I had a secret. A secret that was so dirty and so shameful that I just knew that I had it etched into my forehead. A secret that I did not even have a reason to conceal but I did. A secret that was caused by another but it only seemed to directly affect me. I carried the guilt. I carried the shame and ultimately I began to live a lie. This secret turned into one of my most challenging demons even though the offense was against me. Pretending to be ok when I was not… was a lie. Laughing and smiling on the outside while tears drowned my heart and soul on the inside was miserable.

I lived a life of lies and deception for so long that I not only began to hate myself but others. I would sometimes scream to the top of my lungs because I wanted so bad for the real me to emerge. However I was too shameful and the pain and agony of my secret cut deep like a knife. I hated that I could no longer express my true feelings by words or trust in others like I use to do. The beautiful smile, the winning personality and the manner able young lady was all a cover up.

I was angry and I was bitter. I despised people… especially men. I hated everyone I knew and because I was damaged by another it was my goal to hurt those that crossed up my path. My life here on earth and my very existence was in question daily and I was damaged goods. Yes, I lived a lie and I was a liar and alone I dwelled because no one wants to knowingly join crazy in a crazy world.

I carried a demon of malice from childhood to adulthood and because I allowed myself to wallow in my sorrows for so long my heart had become calloused. I crippled my own self. I lived in pity; I lived in a world of confusion. You could speak English clearly and it would all translate into Swahili to me. What was normal to me was abnormal to all and what was normal to others was totally idiotic to me.

The state that I was in was all because of the shameful secret of sexual assault that turned demonic but by the grace of God I finally decided that the day has come that I declare no more drama in my life.

Live Your Dream

By Karen Rae Elkins

Live your dreams in the present. There is nothing like a dream to create your future. Not so very long ago, I looked to my outside circumstances and the vision was one of violence, hatred, and deception. Only when I began to look on the inside of me did I awaken a dream of hope, faith... love. A life where a few friends, trusted experts in the field of domestic violence, and one darn good police detective, would encourage me into the life I was meant to lead: a life without violent results.

Today, I am living my American dream as a Professional Angler. Winning a tournament however small or large is just icing on the cake. My contribution to the field of sports is a revolutionary fight against the nightmare of domestic violence. I read a quote from one of The Kennedy's and applied it to violence. "Some of you may see things as they are and say, "Why?" I dreamed of things that never were and say, "Why not?"

Lennon sang, "You may say that I'm a dreamer in his song, Imagine." Every good dream begins with a dreamer. I asked my fishing friends on Facebook, "Do you dream in fishing?" The answer was most certainly. Ashley Rae said she set the hook on a large bass once in her dreams and it woke her up. I had a recent fishing dream that was so peaceful, so full of hope, so empowering.

The dream began in a bungalow located in Brazil. I shared the small home with 9 of the top 100 anglers in the world. The house was made of small stones of all colors. There was an enormous fire in the oval fireplace to warm us at night. I could hear the fire roaring from my bedroom. I studied each beautiful stone while I laid in bed anticipating a fishing trip in the morning.

We woke before the sun came up. We all pitched in to make breakfast in the fireplace. (yeah only  in my dreams) smile.  Being from the south, I cooked the grits. The huge flames had been reduced to a perfect flame for making breakfast. After breakfast I walked through an open market with illuminated colored exotic birds and hand crafted items. I made my way to the dock. All nine men were there preparing to fish. These men are so diverse in their personalities. There was the loud one, the soulful one, the one that makes me laugh, the serious angler, the down to earth fisherman, the angler I admire most, the quiet one, and the easy as it goes angler, and little ol me.

We only had one boat! Again, again, only in my dreams could 10 bass anglers fit in one boat, much less fish without setting the hook in a fellow angler in a boat, We all had our place for the ride!. It was a fast ride to the first fishing hole. During the ride, a former AOY (Angler of the Year) drove the boat.  He turned to me and said, "Karen you are going to be a winning angler" at which point the boat stopped and we all drew our rods and just fished together. I observed the guys as they fished. I wasn't nervous at all. I was meant to fish and fish I did.

Those are the dreams I will always remember. Sometimes my dreams are short, like the one where I watch a spinner bait work its way through the water from a fishes perspective. I was the fish. Being a fish is an amazing feeling, hanging near a grass line somewhere, just going with the flow of the water.

Now I want to talk to you openly and honestly about the fact that trauma and violence can cause nightmares and night terrors. While still with an abusive man my nightmares were during my waking hours. I thought the nightmares would end when I left. My momma should have named me Karen Naive, not Karen Rae. Then came the sleepless nights as I begin to think about what happened and how to get past the abuse. The sleeping nightmares were common for about a year. There were nights when I would wake up in total fear thinking it wasn't a dream. Sometimes I would wake up in a cold sweat from the dreams or the part of my body that was beaten actually hurt.

Eventually the nightmares that stole my sleep faded in frequency. However the nightmare of divorcing a violent and controlling man continued for 3 years past the separation.. For three years all I wanted was a divorce.  I wanted better than a man who spoke to me like I was trash and hurt me physically and mentally. His abuse did not stopped just because I left.. Our divorce was final in July of 09.

I dreamed of justice for his actions and, that my friend, was just a dream. The Judge, the system of justice, is broken.  The nightmares came back with a vengeance, more violent, more horrific, more frequent. Reality sucks sometimes, and only time and distance from the situation can extinguish the fire I felt.

The question became how am I going to respond to the current situation. Nightmares robbed me of sleep.. For a short time, I drank to escape.the decisions before me. It only took one really bad hang over to realize drinking wasn't meant for me. I woke to the same problems and it would be insane to add drinking to the list of problems. Best to stay sober. Everyone has their limit. Enough is enough. I saw no end to the nightmares both the waking and the sleeping ones.

I spent time learning how to stay safe and ultimately to end the connection all together. In the beginning of the abuse, I chose to not send the father of my child to jail. I've decided to stop giving him get out of jail free cards. He chose to leave the home he was awarded in the divorce and move a ten minute ride up the interstate from my home. So, I've moved. I chose an area based on fishing.

I love my place. It's small but warm. The utilities are included in my rent, so there is no record of an address. I changed my cell phone company and number. I now have an alias name given to me by my cell phone provider. One of my fishing friends laughs and says I know your name, its Tinkerbell. We both laugh. I'm actually going to buy him a Tinkerbell rod and reel to represent how far I've come.

My first new sponsor for the 2010 fishing season is Extreme Security.I've learned the hard way to live smarter.  I've taken my file of offenses to the police in my town. They are located only blocks from my home. These officers do not play when it comes to violence and I am following their lead. The officer asked me what would I do if he shows up. I promised to send him to jail, and I will. Enough is enough. I will fight back through the law and if necessary I am prepared to fight back physically. It's my right to protect myself. Everyone has their limits. It's been 160 days since the final divorce decree, and am reminded a fishing dream I had three years ago. The dream gave me hope for a future.When times got hard I would play the dream over and say, you can make it. It was my mirror to the life I desired. The small changes made over time have lead to a huge change in my life.

I remember the dream like it happened last night. I had entered a fishing tournament with a fishing buddy named G. G and I have lifted one another up in very tough times throughout our careers as fishermen. Fishing at a professional level has it's share of battles..There are the element challenges. One must be, responsible, fit and equipped to handle the cold, the storms, the wind and the windless 100 degree days on the water. It's much like weathering the storms of abuse. The weather can change at any time. Fishing will test your determination until: you know that you know: you were born to fish.  It's much like the determination when you realize and: know that you know: you were not created to be a punching bag. Nor, are you responsible for someone else's actions. Fishing requires a number of sacrifices. I've come home twice from tournaments to learn that two of my friends died unexpectedly and were already buried.  The sacrifice of my life to abuse is a reality. I could have died unexpectedly, accidentally or intentional, from just a single blow during his rage.

In my dream I arrived at the landing. G launched the boat. I was wearing my riding jacket. One of the announcers from a trail I fish calls it my Fishing Mafia jacket. I'm never without the jacket. The river was located in the rural desert lifeless flatlands. It was the size of the Rio Grande, times ten.  I couldn't see the western shoreline. I paid the entry fee only to learn the tournament didn't involve fishing at all. The object of this tournament was to cross over the river and find the western shore. The first boat to beach their boat on land was the winner.

There was a storm brewing over the middle of the river. We were not prepared for the elements, nor did we have a navigation system to guide us over to the other side. In my heart I knew we were going to win the tournament. We zipped our life jackets as I pointed the boat west and drove out of the marina. It began to rain. As the eastern shore disappeared, the storm became vicious. The waves swelled to block our view of the next wave. The rain was pouring down and the waves were pouring into the boat on all sides. I had to fight to catch my breath between the water washing over me. I was so afraid that I made a dangerous decision and stopped the boat. G reached over me and turned the key to crank the engine. He said, "Just drive." but I didn't. I couldn't. He took over until I could see the shoreline on the other side. Finally, I felt safe enough to finish the race. The crowd appeared as I eased the boat through the silt bottom of the river and beached the boat. G and I took our shoes off, held hands, and I remember distinctly watching our feet step into the water and walk to land. The water was warm and the silt was gentle to the touch. The crowd cheered. We won the tournament and never wet a line.

At times I wish I could erase the nightmares until I realize they too make me who I am today. They are just as much a part of me as all the good fishing dreams. I was wrong in thinking I could will my past better than it was because of shame. The truth is sometimes bad things happen to good people for whatever reason. In closing I'd like to reflect on one final thought.

Always remember, you have within you the strength, determination, the patience, and the passion to reach the other side and change your the world.

Fish Steady in all you do, my friend.

Karen Elkins
John 3:17 for God sent the Son into the world, not to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him.