Wish Like a Little Girl!

By Karen Rae Elkins

Do wishes come true? In the wee hours of the night I stepped outside on the patio to watch the moonlight dance over the lake. I saw a shooting star but didn't make a wish. Some say if you wish upon a shooting star your wish will come true. When I was a child, I use to wish for things. You know, the birthday wish, the wish you made when the clasp of your necklace touched your charm, or wishing on an eye lash that fell to your cheek. My favorite time to wish was on the feather like petals of a dandelion flower. If you could blow all of the petals off in one blow, your wish was certain to come true. 

 I've recently discovered that abuse can kill the child in you. Just when I thought I was getting it "all together" there is yet another journey to be taken. It's the journey back to the child in me. Healing from abuse seems to be like a kaleidescope of sorts. You turn the gear and discover yet another image to study deeply. I see glimpses of the little girl in me sometimes when I'm fishing. Probably because I fished as a child. Some of my fondest memories were made while fishing. I didn't know it at the time but I believe fishing can build character that will sustain you throughout your life. It gave me a sense of who I am.

It was a different time when I was a child. I didn't know abuse in the world I lived in. I was fearless. The water didn't scare me. Could I swim back then? No, but I could tread water if I had to. There were no dangers in the water, just the invitation to play.  Most girls my age would scream at the sight of crickets and worms. But, not me. I saw bugs and Mayflies as opportunity. "Touching bugs", that was so me. When there was a fish at the end of my line I saw a creature of pure beauty.  Every fish was an chance to marvel at differences. I admired each catch from mouth to fin.  I found joy in the multitude of color that made the fish unique. When the fish were not biting, there were always river banks to explore. I would turn over rocks to see what treasure was hiding underneath. Sometimes the treasure wasn't a treasure at all. It would be a dead fish or worse a snake. Still it didn't stop me from turning over another rock or looking under a piece of driftwood. I'd gather rocks like they were gold and muscle shells as if they were silver.

It's time to bring back the little girl in me. I've missed her fearless spirit, her dare to explore ways, the ability to see treasures all around, and belief that wishes can come true. It is after all Christmas. The time of the birth of my Lord, Jesus Christ. He said it best when he said, "Be as little children." On the 13th of December, the eve before this blog publishes there was a meteor shower over North America. The skies over my home were clear and cold.  I had some special hot chocolate to keep me warm as I watched the show from my patio. I decided to re-connect with the child in me once again and I made lots of Christmas wishes for my sisters who are in the bondages of abuse. I may not have known your name but I know what you have been through or are experiencing right now. 

To the one in three women like me, this was my wish for you. I wish you knew that wherever you are in your journey, you are not alone. You have not been forgotten. I know your struggles. It is my strongest desire that you learn to be safe and protect yourself. I hope you know how precious you are to God. What has happened to you doesn't make you the monster he's told you you are. It makes you a very strong woman, capable of your hearts desire. May you find your anchor in life. Capture all that is good in this life and never let go. Release the doubt in yourself.  Be the captain of your own boat. I long to see better days for you and times of peace and hope. I wish you'd take a chance to breathe in without fear and exhale without despair. I wish you could see the lights I see and know they speak of healing and love. Let it be. 

Until next time, fish steady my friends in all you do. Merry Christmas and Best Fishes this New Year. May it be an incredible year for fishing women out of the depths of abuse. 

How did I get to this point in my life? Fisherman. Writer. Artist. Gun Toter.

By Karen Rae Elkins

I'm a fisherman, not a policeman. Yet in this rapid river of increasing violence, I've learned that sometimes the police are not necessarily there to uphold the laws when taking another report of intimate partner violence. I'm not saying there are not good cops out there. Policemen are like fish, Some are predators in pursuit of right over wrong. They hunt to feed justice. Some are like the trout or perch. They bring a taste of color and hues of deep thought in an upstream battle. And then... well some are just plain bottom feeders, sucker fish. When I fish, I'm after the predator called a bass. When I pull up a bottom feeder,  I get this girlie yuck feeling in the pit of my stomach. I will often just cut the line on a bottom feeder.

I'm going to talk about the bottom feeders of our men in blue. Bottom feeders have their place. If for no other reason, it's to teach you the serious lesson of forgetting what others may think of your situation. There's more to life than what a bottom feeder thinks. I just want you to go into a Police Station with your eyes wide open. Pulling into the parking lot of a police station takes courage. Some will look at you with total disgust or their eyes will look anywhere but directly into your eyes. While others rarely listen to what you have to say. Often times you must repeat the same sentence three maybe four times, or worse they question the event as if it really didn't happen. I've heard stories of Investigators suggesting that a woman actually beat herself up to claim violence. Any woman who would beat them self up has crushing psychological issues beyond those of violence, and sadly it does happen. However, it is rare. Most women, like me, avoid pain. Think about it like this, most would prefer to focus on anything but a mixture of pain stirred in with humiliation, trauma, and disbelief.  Please don't for any reason, avoid documentation because the police officer could be a bottom feeder.

Bottom feeders are there to clean up after the violence and do as little as possible. It's their nature. You know, when the woman has lost her life because the police didn't follow up or follow through because to them, "it's just another day at work". Bottom feeders abuse their position. A therapist once told me, "Never date a policeman, they are deceptive." I guess that bleeds into trusting them with your life.

When you leave the station pay no attention to the thoughts that they are talking about you. Without a shadow of a doubt they are using colorful words to describe you. Tell yourself, who cares? You've done what you set out to do. Report an incident. It's your paper trail. Just whatever you do, make sure the documentation is correct. If the officer didn't get the report correct, ask for another report. What else does he have to do but breathe air and eat donuts. Bottom feeders.

I'm a writer, but some words are not worth the paper they are written on. Three words come to mind.: Protection From Abuse. The worst thing you can do is to isolate yourself from the facts. If you find yourself reporting acts of violence, you my friend, are in danger. In the film, Enough,  J Lo is at the police station to help "a friend" with violent husband. In reality it is her that is in the violent marriage. The officer instructs her to tell the "friend" to file for a protection order against her husband. She responds, "And what is she suppose to do with the paper when he shows up? Throw it at him? Do Protection Orders perpetuate more violence? As best I can tell, it's a flip of the coin. Heads it does, tails it doesn't. There is one silver lining, but it alone won't keep you safe. There is a Federal law, an act that  bans shipment, transport, ownership and use of guns or ammunition by individuals convicted of misdemeanor domestic violence, or who are under a restraining (protection) order for domestic abuse in all 50 states. Don't make it easy for him to turn a gun on you. Have his gun rights taken away.

Other papers are worth their weight in gold. Start a journal and an on-line journal of your journey back to you. I always say when you come to a fork in the river, take it. This blog is as much for me as it is for the woman who wonders what life is like after the escape from violence.  It seems that everyone wants you, the victim, to prove or answer to his actions. Should you ever end up in court, or apply for a new Social Security number, or faced with filing an Evidentuary Will and Abuse Affidavit, your documentation can be used to help your memory. Trauma and violence can blend memories or worse, there are some things you'd rather forget. The journal will help keep the facts in somewhat order. The Coalition Against Domestic Violence suggested that I keep a journal of my travels so that if I went missing, the police, hopefully not the bottom feeder kind, could use it to help locate me. Each morning when I have my first cup of coffee, I jot down my daily activities, well sometimes. 

I'm an artist, I should not have to draw a gun. I'd rather draw flowers or butterflies. I'd rather capture a sunrise on the lake with my camera. Artist are known for their "non-violent" beliefs. We would rather live life on the edge of creativity, not the verge of destruction.  However, non-violence, doesn't mean I have to give up my right to protect myself. I made the decision to exercise my Second Amendment Right, the Rights to pursue FREEDOM.  I urge you to do the same. I'm reminded of a quote from my first blog with Time's Up. There is no freedom without the truth. The truth is "If I'm going to die at the hands of a violent man, I'm going to die fighting." I'm free from the spell of defenselessness. 

I had a wake up call. I was followed into my neighborhood late one night. I had stopped the pattern of no pattern home. I let my guard down. I had become comfortable just driving the same route.  There were no cars on the road in the small town. Most people were sleeping. I pulled into the right lane to merge onto the two lane highway. There wasn't a car in sight. I drove maybe six-tenths of a mile and turned my blinker on. All of a sudden, out of no where, the inside of my SUV lit up. The car behind me almost rear ended me. I turned to escape a crash and the car turned behind me. There was maybe 12 inches between our bumpers as I drove through the neighborhood. My mind went blank and my body numb with fear. All I could think is, "Is this the end of me"? I grabbed my cell phone and flipped it open to dial 911 and realized they couldn't save me. At this point they all became bottom feeders. I avoided a near miss that night. I realized then that I should have been reaching for a gun not a phone.

If you put him in jail, he's going to eventually get out of jail. Then what? I've searched out every law of protection and found the laws to be faulty. Except for the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution, all of the laws have loopholes designed to protect the guilty. Protection comes in the form of a gun for women who want to live. Don't believe the lie that you will become the victim of your own gun. The reports are false. Honestly, if I had not searched out every option, every avenue available to me, I would not be writing this blog. It's time to take back the power that has been stolen by our courts, judges, and the offenders. It's a right for a reason. 

Take a gun safety class. Enroll in a local gun club or shooting range. Listen to your instructors.  A 22 caliber handgun isn't the ideal gun for protection. Go ahead and spend your money on a gun that will defend you.  Apply for a concealed carry permit. Obey the laws and know the laws. Size matters when it comes to guns. Get a handgun that fits your hand. Learn to clean it the same day every week while you watch Nancy Grace report on other women who didn't have the chance to defend themselves. Buy a second gun. Your life depends on your ability to fight back. Do you really want to go into battle with just one gun? Buy a shotgun for your home. The spray will cover a large area. Make up your mind before he ever shows up at your home to do the right thing. He has no business at your home. His past abuses carry the weight of his intentions. And just like a target, aim for the center mass. "There are no dangerous weapons. There are only dangerous men."

If he finds me now he will find me standing behind cold metal. Why? Because I can. Though defensive violence will always be 'a sad necessity' in the eyes of men of principle, it would be still more unfortunate if a wrongdoer should prevail over the just. In 1998 one study reported the use of a gun by women in 12 cases of defense against intimate partner violence. In all 12 cases the man died. TWELVE. Yet, one in four women have been at the wrong end of a fist. We as women often send the wrong message. It's our nature to nurture, not pick up a gun. The day has come to redefine that mindset. Because, we can nurture ourselves, we will survive by all legal means. Redemption can come at the end of a gun.

Remember, "A woman who demands further gun control legislation is like a chicken who roots for Colonel Sanders." I'm not a chicken, I'm a fisherman, a writer, an artist and a gun toter. 


Just one question. Is toter really a word? 


Fish Steady in all you do. karen

A Home of Peace: Psalms of the Pilgrim

By Karen Rae Elkins

When I'm not studying river maps I will turn to a different kind of map, a treasure map most know as a Bible. It takes me to the places I've been to let me know: I am not alone. The words lead me down the roads I've yet to see. They speak to me of my value on this earth. In the dark hours past midnight, I turned to my Bible for direction. The WHY LORD questions have ceased. They've been replaced with Lord, be the light that directs my steps. When I get to where I'm going, the treasure that I will discover is more precious than gold or silver. It's all about the journey, not the destiny. The Bible opened to this passage: Too long have I had my dwelling among those who hate peace. I am for peace; but when I speak, they are for war! (Psalms 120:6-7). Some may call the message chance, but I know! that I know, it was one of those divine moments when His words came through. It's a Psalm of special meaning. The enemies of peace will fail. I have the will to defeat conflict.

I desire peace, it's what I've wanted all along. Can I embrace the time of peace with the courage to make difficult decisions? Soon. Sweet peace: to gain enough strength to shape my own destiny, to spend precious moments with my children, to make lasting friendships without fear of their getting caught in the crossfire, to know my co-workers and let them into my life. As it is with most scripture, they were more than words when I decided to look deeper into the entire Psalm. Maybe, just maybe, it is my appointed time to move into a new beginning, a season of dreams, a hope fulfilled, a faithful day when I can say I have won the war against his continued attacks. Yes, I am for peace, but he means war. I can't change him. I never could. He has lost, and I have come to understand, he is just not that important. 

My adversity, the abuse, leaving and continued stalking has been for my life in order that I may share my experiences, my knowledge, my victories. I have given up virtually everything to find my life. You too, my sister in silence, may be faced with the same emotions, experiences and decisions. March on, do what you need to do to be strong in the struggles of domestic violence. Take time for yourself. You are important. Be a survivor from the devil who haunts you. Know that, "The Devil is a liar." He'll tell you that you are less than just to keep his control over you. Most of all, "Be safe".

According to  google, Psalms 120 through the final Psalm 134 are the Psalms of Degrees. Some call it the Psalms of Assents. It is described as the Pilgram Psalm. Anyone who has experienced leaving an abusive situation is a Pilgram of sorts. Each Psalm being a step of divine protection for the oppressed living in bondage, and judgment for those who have enslaved. These psalms are often used during the Feast of Tabernacle, which approaches in September. To the man who hates peace, read the Psalm of what awaits in your future. I don't wish anyone harm. I don't wish him anything. Life is about choices. Me? I'm leaving him behind, like a train wreck in my rear view mirror.

I've been writing blogs for Time's Up for eleven months. As I approach the one year anniversary, my pilgrimage, this is what I've discovered from writing. I'm not ashamed to say I blog against domestic violence. I found dignity in my experiences. It's an opening line, a life line in some ways to the women out there who sit silent in their abuse. Abuse comes in many forms.

I've taught myself to do what I have to do in this life to be happy. Fishing makes me very happy. I've found happiness in helping other women in their pilgrimage to leave abuse. I'm reminded of Kim, a woman who once confessed to me, "I can't leave. I can never take care of myself." It's what he had told her so many times that she believed his lie. She moved away from her abusive husband over a year ago and now owns her own home. Way to go Kim. A home of peace. May he never cross under your front door. She called me the other day frantic because he was going to take the car. I reminded her of how far she has come from the day she told me I can never take care of myself. I told her it was the last hold he had on her and to just go buy a car of her own. She did just that. I am so proud of her!  Pretty Amazing, huh? 

I'm keeping my dreams big and my worries small. I've learned it's my journey not the destiny that adds to my life. I love fishing, all the rest are details. No worries are that big. Life is full of obstacles. It's all about the fish in my boat.  Maggie is a young woman who dreams of fishing. Meeting other women who like to fish tickles me. While in the boat together I learned that in her short time on earth she has only known a life of violence. Her father beat her, her step father beat her, and today, her boyfriend hits her. She said, "Karen, I think I've become comfortable with hitting as a way of life. Am I crazy like they say"?  Pretty sad, huh? No Maggie, you are not crazy, that is just what others want you to think so you will continue to accept their fist. I told her she was strong enough to break the chain of abuse. And then, we just fished. I knew just like the big fish on my line, that I had "got one" in the boat and she is destine to break that chain of violence. How can she lose? She is my fishing daughter.

I'm going to chose a life that mean the most to me, not the life someone else has planned for me. I have to close with the story of powerful Mary, who has helped me. She now lives by the saying, "I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by 6". I had to think about that one. Her story is one of kidnapping and shear horror. Her ex boyfriend held hostage for 2 days. He told her she was going to die. When she escaped, he shot at her as she was running through the neighbors yard. I can't imagine running from bullets. The ex boyfriend never spent one day in jail for his crimes. That's our justice system and that a blog for another day. Because of the experience and the fact that he is out there free to do it again, Mary now carries a gun with her at all times. She encourages other women to own a gun for protection. She instructs them where to go to buy a gun. She points them to the nearest instruction classes and shooting range. Mary always has one strapped to her, one in the car, and one in her Gucci purse. Pretty protected, huh?

I will have peace as I read more deeply into the Psalms of the Pilgrim. I can relate and listen to the women who are leaving what they know for a land of promise. Life is an adventure of the good, the bad, and the sometimes ugly. Today is a day of powerful opportunity.Peace can be found around every corner. I'm not ashamed, I have the tee shirt and wear it with grace. 

September promises to be a good month for fishing. Until next time, fish steady my friends.

 

Karen Elkins 
John 3:17 for God sent the Son into the world, not to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him.

Stalking is a Crime

By Karen Rae Elkins

When I was living in Virginia I would frequent the Seven-Eleven Convenient Store for their hot dogs. I know, I know,...hot dogs are bad for your cholesterol, but they made the best dogs for a quick lunch on the go. What does this have to do with abuse? Seven-Eleven, (7-11) is an abuse ratio. It takes a woman on average 7 times to process the abuse and be done with an abusive man. However it takes an abusive man 11 times to hear I'm through, before he gets it. When an abuser becomes relentless in his pursuit of you, it's called stalking. Just because you've left doesn't mean the perpetrator of violence is willing to give up control.

Stalking is: 
1. Following or laying in wait for the victim at work or in their neighborhood.
2. Repeated unwanted, intrusive, and frightening communications from the perpetrator by phone, text, mail or email.
3. Damaging or stealing the victim's property. Includes suddenly having a flat tire when the tread is fine, a drained radiator, or running out of gas, any act as so to leave the victim stranded and in need of help.
4. Making threats to harm the victim, the victim's family, friends, pets or themselves
5. Repeatedly sending the victim unwanted gifts... so to seem as a good person and when the gifts are rejected the perp turns to sending pornographic material to threaten or send a message to the victim
6. Harassment through the internet, known as cyberstalking. This form of stalking leaves victims with limited access to the internet.
7. Manipulation, such as dragging the victim into court
8.Securing personal information about the victim by: accessing public records (land records, phone listings, driver or voter registration), using internet search services, hiring private investigators, contacting friends, family, work, or neighbors, going through the victims garbage.
9. Isolation by releasing personal information, true or untrue about your personal life for the purpose of turning friends and family against you.


Stalking has become one of the most dreaded crimes against women in recent years. According to a 2000 study conducted by the federal Department of Justice, one woman in 12 will be stalked during her lifetime. This figure is startling when compared to the fact that 1 in 3,000 will be raped, based on current FBI statistics. Many women know their stalker personally and as a result, are hesitant to believe the situation is potentially dangerous. Being aware of these alarming signals can help you determine if you are being stalked and what to do about it.

Researchers predict that one in twenty adults will be stalked during his or her lifetime. According to a 2000 report by the Department of Justice one in twelve women have been stalked. Many stalking situations result in the death or serious injury of the victim. While anti-stalking statutes are aimed at protecting both sexes, experts believe that the majority of stalking cases involve men stalking women. This pattern of men stalking women occurs both in the domestic context and between strangers. Thus, stalking needs to be addressed as a form of violence against women. Eighty percent of stalking cases occur in a domestic situation. Stalking occurs after the woman has attempted to sever the relationship and the man responds, "if I can't have you, no one will."

This is what some have coined as separation assault and describes domestic violence from a different viewpoint. Leaving the situation did not guarantee the woman's safety, in some cases it increased her danger. It can be lethal. The stalker, in most cases, is not crazy. This stereotype is an inaccurate depiction of abusers. It's all about them regardless of the law.

One fundamental point that defines the problem and you must never forget it is the Stalker/Abuser thinks of themselves as laws unto themselves. No laws, no social standards, no standards of behavior and no motivation other than themselves dictates their actions. Laws that would deter the average person doesn't phase a stalker. The only law they follow is: "It's all about them": their feelings, their emotions, their needs, their pride. A stalker will go to no ends to enforce his law. Stalkers feel you have no right to hurt or deny their law. Remember, their law is - it's all about them and anything can set them off...like writing a blog. Stalking is just another form of control and the stalker will go to almost any lengths to get the control back.

Stalkers are cunning. They have had years of experience in manipulation. They have a sense that they can get away with anything, regardless. They convince those around them that they are a great person and friend. Stalkers mask themselves as knowledgeable, strong, heroic, romantic people. They play the part of caring, charming and sensitive people as long as you cater to them and their every whim. Stalkers reveal their true nature after they win your trust.

An abuser would not attempt to stalk his victim if he wasn't pretty sure he could get a way with it, if he was afraid of what you could do and if he hadn't already overpowered you in the past. One of the fatal mistakes made by women is the thought that they can handle it by themselves. Please get this through your head, "You can't handle the situation by yourself".

Recognize the danger you are in and seek advise from those who bought the tee shirt and lived to tell their story. That's what I did eventually, and my stalking x abuser should be afraid of what I can and will do. Knowledge is power. Power is self defense. Self Defense is using every resource to take control back. Control comes when fear subsides.

Until next time, fish steady my friends. love from the lake. karen

Survival Day!

By Karen Rae Elkins

Gulf Coast fishermen are in survival mode by now. It's the same survival mode that victims of violence use to get through and explosive situation. It's all about survival. April 22nd, forty-one days and nights have passed by since oil seeped from the deep unsettled waters to kill, steal and destroy the riches of fishing. Having been dealt a hard blow to their way of life and their livelihood, my heart goes out to my fishing brothers. I know you are grieving. I am sad with you.  I share your love for the water and know what it is like to have your life torn apart because of someone else's abuse, be it from negligence, lack of protection, or disregard of the laws. Just getting over the initial shock takes time. My oil spill was domestic violence. 

I can't pinpoint the day I let someone abuse me but I remember the day I left. His words were calculated and well rehearsed. My bags and tackle were still in the car. I had driven home from a fishing event in Dallas, Tx. I went to the kitchen to get a bite to eat and he said, "If you are going to continue to fish, we need to make other arrangements." Tears filled my eyes as I thought of a life without fishing. My first thought was, "please don't make me quit." and then it came to me. "just leave". The words I used were much more colorful but not meant for print. I left and I never turned back.

I spent years trying to clean up the mess in silence. Today marks 365 days past my Declaration of Independence from the silent shame of abuse. It's my day. A year ago, I questioned my sanity as I wrote my first blog. I thought telling the world about abuse would be the death of me but it was the birth of a new me. 

It is with confidence that I say to my brothers and sisters, turn your tragedy into triumph. Be the driver of your boat in rough seas and low tides Hold on to the hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Never, ever forget your love for fishing. Never lose the life lessons taught on the water. Remember the days of plenty. Be thankful for each new dawn. Throw an anchor out every once and awhile to rest. Fish steady in all you do until you navigate a way back to calm waters.  

The abuses you are suffering right now are temporary. It may seem like the challenges are never ending. Cast off your fears. You're got to fight for yourself, because in the end, no one can fight your fight. Look to God, not man,  to give you grace, strength, and wisdom. In the middle of the turmoil you will form lifelong bonds that will never be broken. In these demanding times, you will find out who your friends are. Friends are discovered treasures along the way back to the water. They will open their mind, extend their heart, and offer their hand to lift you up when you are laying there on the ground deciding whether or not to get up. 

Because it is my day, and I am Captain of my ship, I'm celebrating my independence, not with fireworks but with a fire for fishing. Today is my gift to me. The forecast calls for afternoon storms, but weathermen lie. The alarm will wake me around 3 am and by 3:30 I'll be on the road to Karen's Lake. I'm meeting Jeff for a scouting expedition. I bought myself a gift for my independence day. It's no surprise that the gift to and from me is fishing related. I'll have the secret tackle tied to my new Greg's Custom Rods topwater/jerkbait rod. Greg made the rod to my specifications. He is without a doubt one of the best rodsmith's in the US  You're gonna love the inscription, Fish Steady. I'm proud to carry the rod. The color scheme is purple, the color symbolizing Domestic Violence, and white, the color of peace. 

At 4 pm eastern time, log on to the Susan Murphy-Milano Show. I'll be her guest! I'm certain this is a God Appointment, because neither one of us planned to talk on my Independence Day. It just happened. 

Cell service on any lake can be a testament to, "Can you hear me now"? The timing is a perfect break. I'll come off the water. Susan and I will talk. God will be there with us, guiding the conversation. Jeff will leave my boat for Lee's boat and Shelia will be joining me in my boat. We're entering a "private, by invitation only" tournament. Jamie and Kevin will be there, so will Joseph and Cecile. Shelia and I are the only female/female team in this band of fishermen. I'm sure the guys didn't expect me to bring a woman to the tournament when they invited me to join. This is our third event together. I had the camera. I should have taken pictures of their faces when Shelia and I paid our entry fee for the first event. The tournament is a 3 fish limit in three hours event. It ends at 9pm. 

Regardless of our finish, the day will end well. I'll load the boat and get it ready for Thursday. I'll be fishing when the sun comes up until the moon hangs high in the sky. It's my day, again. Life is what you make it.... make it good, even when it's not.

Fish Steady my friends, until next time. karen

Letting Go of Evil

By Karen Rae Elkins

Evil men everywhere seek to control. Out of the blue, around midnight, February 1st,  I received a text from the x abuser who thinks he can threaten or further abuse me. The text read, "I know you wish I were dead, but I'm not." I saw the statement for what it was, once again, a chance to make me the bad person. Or, maybe it was an unspoken threat to take my life. I didn't respond to his text, except to change my cell number again. It was a mere inconvenience just to shake you loose. Make no mistake, I'm not running from your abuse, just taking control. I know that burns you up inside.
Opps... did I just expose your actions?

Now is the time to respond to you and those like you. Move on because I have. Asking you to change is fruitless. I'll never understand your ways. I can only describe your ways as deep seeded darkness rooted in the enjoyment of torture toward those who at one time loved you. I see you for what you are, the mere shadow of a shallow cowardly man without reason. Your soul is incapable of love without measure. A predator, you walk in the darkness like a beast. Truth escapes you because you deny your actions. You have chances to change but let them slip away by choice. You are caught up in the web of deceit, a liar.  Your only talent is abuse. Fear is the measure you use to control those you claim to love.
I know you, others will too.

Here is another dose of truth. I've never threatened your life but remember vividly the day you yanked my hair to pull my face to your face screaming the threat, "Bitch if I want you dead, you will be dead." Remember that day? Every evil man has said similar words and sadly some women never get the chance to live past the threat. Well, in your words, I'm still here. Ha.... although you still breathe, you've never lived, never truly loved, never genuinely cared for anyone but yourself.
Are you angry enough to come after me yet? 

I'd would like to say thank you and those like you for making me the strong woman I am today. I gained my life back when I left you. Right or wrong, I make my own decisions without fear of attacks from you. I am the captain of my own ship and in the distance I can see your ship sinking. You can attack but you will never claim victory over me. If you ever try to raise your hand to hurt me again, you will be tangling with a woman you haven't met. Next time will be different.
Your wrongs made me right, not quite the outcome you anticipated.

I was once a broken image, shattered by abuse. Today, I'm whole and healthy in mind and spirit.  I love myself on the inside, something you stole from me, but I've found it again. Oh, I'll never forget you... or underestimate what you are capable of carrying out. I will never be drawn back into the prison of hateful manipulations, lies, threats, and cold hearted plots to explain away the abuse.
Ahhh,,, now, she's just asking for it. Isn't that the words running through your mind at this very moment? 

One never knows when their death will come. I don't have to settle the damn score, all I have to do is walk, walk walk. See me walking? One day your child or your children will say enough and walk away. They too, will tire of trying to please you, see the light, realize love isn't a bitter word or a punch in rage, and leave for good. You'll spend your life alone, as it should be with all abusers, alone...either in jail or committed to an empty house, empty life.
And... she mentions the children! Just to let you know, I have grown bold, brave, wise and patient.

Your attempts to destroy the good in life will lead you down the road to self-destruction. It's your path, you chose it. I'm not here to stop you on your path, just here to let you know you are truly evil. Having met evil, I know I am obligated to rescue women and their children from the abusive reign in their life. I will never stop writing, never stop talking, never stop exposing your vicious actions. And guess what, there are more like me out there. Our numbers are growing daily. Push us now, and we push back, fighting for a life free from abuse. Each woman bringing one woman out at a time. Like it or not, one day your time's up. We will see you in jail or hell, it's your choice.
Oh... I have truly crossed the yellow line on purpose to send you this message. We all live and breathe under the reign of the Lord, God Jehovah. Many men will read your words Lord, but never change their ways, their minds, their actions. So be it.

 Until next time, fish steady my friends. Be safe on the lake and in life. karen

Karen Elkins 

John 3:17 for God sent the Son into the world, not to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him.

Tragedy: Reducing the Numbers

By Karen Rae Elkins

Tragedy.  Another day gone by someone died today at the hands of someone they knew. When asked how many women die each year Susan Murphy-Milano said,  "As far as the stats....unfortunately there are no accurate statistics because many cases are not resolved, often ruled accidental until family members speak up.  Category numbers have been skewed for years. If we are going to get a handle on the epidemic of DV and Intimate homicide related deaths, we must treat these tragic incidents as crimes."

JFK once said, "Tragedy is a tool for the living to gain wisdom, not a guide by which to live."  Violence is one of those tragedies. You either gain wisdom enough to leave, or you continue to live with it and risk your life."

A year ago, April,  I came across the writings of Susan Murphy Milano. I located her blog catalog and bookmarked the site between lodging on Lake Barkley and USDOJ statistics on domestic violence. It was a time in my life when I was searching for direction. I was also taking a break from the madness with a much needed trip toKentucky Lake. I had hoped God would speak to me while fishing on the lake. What to do, what to do? I was in limbo between the divorce court date and the final decision.  I expected a decision soon. It had been six months. Little did I know the final decision wouldn't be issued until July.

Bookmarks on my computer are precious to me, and Susan's insight on domestic violence was what I was searching for. It was like her words were speaking to me. Susan was a masterful writer, well educated in domestic violence. I remember the first blog I came across, "Domestic Violence Does Not Take a Holiday."  to which I said to myself, "Amen! especially on holidays".  Holiday's are used as weapons that burn just like a slap to the face. Holidays feel like, a tender to the touch bruise, from the powerful grip once used to keep you from leaving.

I was still experiencing abuse, even after leaving. I wanted to know the truth. Was I in denial of present danger? In my naivety, I thought leaving the situation meant that I was safe. I expected  the courts were just and would see through my ex-husband. I was so wrong.  Susan reported such facts in her blogs. It was like her words were preparing me for a less than just outcome. Everything works to the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose.These words keep my hope alive. Susan's words helped me take actions.

And now Susan Murphy Milano has written a timeless book, prophetically named Time's Up. As I read the pages of Time's Up!, I thought on the things I did right, and the things I did wrong and the task still ahead of me. Still, I believe that every thing works to the good. When Susan sent me a galley copy of her latest book, I read and re-read the book.  The book is drawn for the living to gain wisdom, whether you are in the midst of painful abuse or have set yourself free from violence.

I must have read the introduction to Time's Up!  no less than 6 times. It was her words, but those words were a description of my life and it spoke to me directly. It read, "Today, it is time to say ENOUGH!  Today, Time’s up.  It is time to remove the dangerous toxic and abusive person from your life.  It is time for you and your children to leave the violence that is in your lives.  It is time for you to realize that there may not be a next time.  It is time to wake up, to look at reality and understand that the reason you do not  “feel safe” is because you are not!"

I remembered my "Today, it is time to say ENOUGH!" How about you? Do you remember that day when you said ENOUGH? Or, has your today not arrived... yet?

Time's Up! is for both the survivor of abuse and the ones who haven't recognized that they are not safe. The book is a tool for leaving and living. There is a chapter dedicated to documentation of abuse. I wasn't familiar with an Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit and Will until I read the book.

There is no such thing as a sure bet in this life. My affidavit will be the last card played. Time's Up is a book that just gives you better odds in beating abuse. Beating abuse, isn't that a fitting oxymoron or just plain ironic?

Thank you Susan for your courage. Thank you for being an example to women like me. Thank you for sharing the truth. Because of your book, I am making better decisions in hopes that I never have to play the last card. As far as stats, unfortunately there will be no record of the lives saved. However there will be a sense of satisfaction in knowing survivors are out there.

We are growing in numbers daily and one day will exceed the number of tragedies. Until that day, we all work together to bring women out of the hands of violence.

Goodbye abuse. Time's Up!

Until next time, fish steady my friends. karen

  

John 3:17 for God sent the Son into the world, not to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him.

The Waters of Romance

By Karen Rae Elkins


It's time to expect more. Make no mistake, I live the life I love.

It's not a fish until it's in the boat or on the bank. I've had many fishless days that I remember happily without regrets. My life to date has been about fishing, everything fishing: be it the latest tackle, the lake fishing reports, or the newest technique. My fishing calender is full from now until October. Almost every weekend I'll be on a lake competing. You can find a way to repress abuse but it always finds it's way out. Monsters live in the dark. So what am I running from? In a profession that is 99% male dominated, I run from dating.

It wasn't until I was recently asked to take time off from my busy schedule of fishing to spend time with a guy, that I realized how I set myself up to not date. He said, "Well, when can we have some time to get to know one another?" It was January. I told him I thought I had some time off in mid April. My response was insensitive, stand-offish, and kinda down right mean.

When ESPN canceled the Professional Women's tour. I scrambled to find local events and team partners to fish my home waters. I'm looking forward to revisiting the Alabama lakes I fished over the years. Alabama has the most diverse and beautiful rivers and lake. An angler can find a tournament every weekend. Not only are the waters familiar, they are a source of confidence. I expect more than a zero on the lakes. Just as I expect more from the lakes in Alabama, I expect more when it comes to dating.

Love is like the lakes and rivers I fish. I can't conquer a lake in one visit. It takes many trips to establish an evolution of knowledge. I've come to believe that a successful relationship requires falling in love many times, always with the same person, but deeper and deeper every time. Each time on a whole new level, you together, open to reveal a new truth. There is no limit to the beauty of love. 

My dating calendar is empty for the moment but I expect changes this year. I often say fishing never disappoints me. And if I had to complete the phrase it would read fishing never disappoints me but many men do. This excludes my friends and fishing partners. I have casual weak moments with men, but they never leave the dock because I just frankly didn't see the point of letting any one person get in the way of fishing because fishing is safe.

I expect more from a man that wants to date me and often shake men off the line too easily. My motto to date was, I fish, I don't play baseball. One strike and you are out. It has kept me safe and I have no regrets but it's time to step into the dating game. Give men a chance. It's time to believe that only one in three men are abusive, and I am capable of discerning the abusive man.

The uncertainty in romance throws a kink in my fishing line every time. When I'm fishing and feel a kink or the line feels rough, I pull the bad line out past the damage and cut past the damaged spot, re-tie the lure and continue fishing. The last thing I want on the lake is to lose a fish because I didn't check or change the line.

The sport of angling has many lessons to teach. The message of the waters are the same as the ones of love, work out the issues, be patient, and enjoy the moment. Persistence is a virtue that transcends patience. However, the waters of romance are unfamiliar, unexplored, and sometimes unpredictable. When I come to a kink in the line of dating, it never took much to replace the whole spool of line with new line all the way down to the leader. I strip the reel clean.

One of the turning points in my life was when I got my first bait caster. Each trip to fish became a communion with the nature that God created as much as it was about the fish. There seemed to be a certain peace in all was right with the world. The joys of fishing were not confined by the hours on the water. The best fisherman can't catch a fish if the fish isn't there, and so it goes with love. I can't have romance if I sit in my home alone. Funny, I went to the shallows last weekend, knowing where the dangerous stumps were, but when it comes to romance how can I avoid the stumps if I never launch the boat?

When you've had someone step all over you, it isn't easy to open your heart or your mind. I've come to another turning point in my life. I believe the tide is changing and I'm willing to change with the tide. I made that step this past week.

It was the Bassmaster Classic, the top 51 anglers in the world were competing for 3 days. In the end, the top angler walked away $500,000.00 richer. I worked a booth at the Classic. The knowledge I learned about myself was worth more than money. I realized that the fishing friendships had replaced my need for romance. Each day, I saw friends from all over the US, and the local boyz as well. We all had one thing in common a passion for fishing. Somewhere over the years I have put my passion for men in my pocket close to the memories of abuse.

Two hours after the Classic I was sitting at the dinner table with my fishing buddies. We were talking and having a good time discussing the weeks events and the people we'd met.  I picked up my phone to send a text. It was a simple text. Thinking about how much I'd like to see ya. love karen. A minute later, the phone rang. It was him.

It's time to expect more and add a different kind of passion to the life I love. 


Fish Steady my friends. love karen.

Armed For Battle

By Karen Rae Elkins

If there were one battle plan for staying safe before, during or after a domestic violence event there would be fewer murders associated with what has become the hell within our homes. I read a statistic that stated 94% of all domestic violence murders occur in the home. The statistic didn't include the men and women who just couldn't take any more abuse. Many have committed suicide or died homeless on the streets as a result of domestic violence.

I found a report on the web conducted by our government titled "The impact of Domestic Violence." I could feel my blood pressure rise. Our government loves impact statements. Go ahead, I dare you to google impact statement. Billions of dollars - billions of words - created by whom and for what reason? While government agencies spend millions studying the impact of domestic violence, people are dying every day. I could have saved them a bunch of money. "Violence KILLS!" Who is impacted? Everyone....even those who have never lived a violent moment. No one is excluded or untouched by the actions of violence. It's time to wake up.

This is one reason I believe "Time's Up!" is so valuable. Government agencies on violence pledge to protect, but they have lost their way. While they spins their wheels and our money, there are everyday people willing take the frontline in the war on violence. We are armed with first hand experience. Experience is the best teacher. Who better to help others than true Statesmen armed with compassion, solid advise, wisdom and sometimes just to listen? We are soldiers in the Army for a peaceful life. We fight the fight with faith to overcome the captivity called violence.

In memory of who I was, I've created a battle plan in hopes to help save a life from a vicious fate. I call this plan: "Get the Hell Out When The Heat Is On". On my battlefield of idea's you can find, a mixture of friends,  a good dose of confidence, an ounce of prevention, a measure of strategy, and I stir in the waters of faith.

Where do you write your plan for living?

I did so with the help of good friends.  No two violent situations are the same, so I encourage you to read my battle plan then, sit down and write your own plan for surviving and thriving. I suggest you write down your strategy over the pages of an old book laying around the house. I wrote my plan in my Bible...a place my abuser would never go. The margins were packed with my thoughts. He never knew. A journal or a notebook is like a red flag saying, just go on and beat me now. Out of all your troubles, refuse to lose. The more you write, the stronger you grow until... finally you will leave. When the day of victory comes for you, take the hand of someone who was in your shoes and become their ally.

Arm yourself.

The best way out of a bad relationship is to find a good relationship. I'm not talking about hopping from one person to another, What's the saying? "Out of the frying pan and into the fire." I'm talking about real down home, butt kicking, friendships. Isolation is common among abuse victims. Seek out those who have defeated violence. There is a reason they named the movie, "We Were Soldiers." It's good to have friends that have never experienced abuse, but when you are fighting a war, best to surround yourself with both friends and soldiers. I discovered this fact late in my battle because of pride and shame. Don't make my mistake. Soldiers are experienced brothers and sisters. These are my soldier sisters, Alexis, Cherry, Delilah, Anny, Abby, Susan and Shelly. God bless them and God bless my soul sisters too. They are all fishermen, Cousin Jada, Katrina and Christie and Cindy. We can burn the cell phone minutes up.

Where do you start? Much like our brave soldiers fighting terrorist, I look to them for  knowledge. There is a camp near my home to train soldiers for battle in the Middle East. They are taught the tactics of the enemy and train in defense. Soldiers don't go into battle to lose, they get up and fight smart. The best defense is a good offense.

There is a specialized class that is catching on like a wildfire in America. This class could save you from ever taking that first blow. It's like a reserve or insurance, a measure of riches for a life without violence. It's called a personal safety class. Anny Jacoby is a pioneer in the area of personal safety. When I asked her about safety, this was her reply.

Karen, I wish everyone would recommend that every female get training long before the physical altercations so that they can learn the warning signs, be able to see the red flags, understand what Power & Control is all about, learn proactive safety tips and ultimately how one can protect and defend herself mentally, emotionally and ultimately physically. And, every female must understand that any assault is NEVER HER FAULT. Any form of assault/abuse is zero tolerance.

We travel throughout the United States to train, speak, and give presentations to gals in school, ages 5-23 through our division, Project Safe Girls; not in school, ages 19-65, Seniors as well as females with disabilities. We are not stationery - we go where we are needed (everywhere).

Stir up the waters of faith.

I'm sure using the word Hell in my opening statement is not politically correct and neither is my next paragraph. It's my rock and it grew out of the storms I survived. So, what is Hell? Hell is darkness. Hell is the absence of light. Hell is a violent man. He can be like a land mine or a IED. Ya never know when he will explode. For me, Hell is also it's being separated from God. He has the ultimate plan for life. I have been driven to my knees and sought his guidance. Shelly is a praying soldier. I know there are those laying in wait to bash my belief in The Most High, ready and willing to point out my short comings, however I can't deny His role in teaching me who I am, and most importantly in keeping me safe. I've often heard the expression there are no Athiest in fox holes when bombs and bullets fly.


When the Heat is on.

If your knowledge has been butchered tell yourself daily, Domestic Violence is lethal. Don't pay the ultimate price with your life or the life of your children. The first fatal mistake in safety is the belief that "It won't happen to me." Don't put your faith in your feelings. Read sentance # 2 again, 94%  die in their homes.

Never give up your power. Your goal is to win. I like the saying "Chose to live for something rather than die for nothing". Alexis has a wealth of wisdom when it comes  to victims. She has pledged to leave no victim behind through her organization, Survivors in Action. She said to me,"Too many think there is a bulletproof way to survive, and, unfortunately, there is not.You are worth it. - most of the women I speak with who are victims of rape, stalking or domestic violence share one common attribute and that is we are all struggling with loving ourselves and self-esteem. I often say you are worth it when speaking with victims who are struggling with speaking out or having a difficult time overcoming - i say you are worth it-  The first time Alexis and I spoke on the phone, she said those exact words to me more than once. She turned my I am not into I am.

Safety is all about strategy. How are you going to protect yourself? First report all abuse to officials, therapist, minister or police. Records and paper trails of abuse are important. The other day I tested my mace and it ran down the side of the dispenser. And you know I did it, touch my nose! I knew better, just wasn't thinking. Today I heard of a more effective source of mace. Wasp Spray. It's going to spray at least 3 ft. If you are still living in abuse, pick it up at the grocery store and lose the receipt by accident. You should have a can under your car seat, several cans in your home, and one at work. If you are in true danger of your abuser, aim for his face and run like hell to the police station. Call 911 for him, cause he's gonna need treatment. You have every right to defend your life.

Katrina said, "Girl go to the tackle store and buy a flare gun." They cost about 30 dollars and will be worth it should you need the element of surprise.

I'd rather use the wasp spray. I have a gun permit, but I know that once I lay my hand on my gun it's going off without hesitation. If you can't say the same, don't entertain the idea of a gun. I don't want to use that option, but I can and will. Every year in the United States, 1,000 to 1,600 women die at the hands of their male partners, often after a long, escalating pattern of battering.

In reality, only a very small percent of victims kill their abusers to end the violence.  Most suffer in silence or are unable to leave the relationship.  Several studies have attempted to learn why a small percent of battered women resort to homicide.  These studies have found that battered women who kill in self-defense:

• suffer frequent and severe abuse
• are victims of often brutal sexual assault
• are frequently threatened with death, especially if they attempt to leave
• are caught and beaten if they leave the abuser
• suffer severe psychological abuse, such as being beaten in front of others or being forced to watch the batterer kill a pet
• are socially isolated and often imprisoned in their homes

If you can identify with any of the above situations, he's not worth killing. He's not worth your time either. I believe what comes around goes around. I've seen it happen too many times in my life. It often happens when you least think about it.

The ultimate goal of this battle is to live. If you lack money, here is one temporary idea. Start cleaning out the junk. Tell him you are having a yard sale to buy something that will please him. Make signs and advertise. Then take a good look at the things in your home. The lamp, are you worth more than the lamp? The rug, Has he walked all over you like the rug? The dishes. When did they become projectiles? All that stuff, the material stuff, can never add up to the sum of your life. Now, not in his defense but in the belief that what comes around goes around,  don't go selling his fishing stuff or his play station, but I say the shotguns are fair game. I think hand guns are illegal to sell. Fill the tank with gas the night before the sale. When he leaves for work have the biggest yard sale ever. Have a friend manage the sale while you pack your car of the small sentimental tokens. Sell everything you can until around 2pm then leave the rest in the yard, make a quick stop at the police station and give them his hand guns. Tell them you are taking back your control from abuse and run like hell. Leave town, don't go to a friends house, don't go to family. Best keep them out of danger. Find your soldier friends and fight. There are good organizations out there willing to help you with housing and the divorce. There are advocates that will go to court with you. 


With that I leave you with a story. Remember he is the ultimate liar, a deceiver who only wants to destroy you.


 Don't let this be your story. 


Her name was Virginia and she called a hotline looking for shelter. She was quickly screened and promised two beds: one for her and one for her 15 year old daughter. She told the advocate that she would be there right after work. She would pick up her daughter from school and be right there. Although the writing had been on the wall for a while, Dean, her husband of 16 years had refused a divorce or separation. He had said more than once, “If I can’t have you nobody can.” It had been said as a promise, as a dare and as matter of fact-ly as pass the cornbread. It stopped having its impact. So, Virginia had enough of all of it. All of it. She was ready.

Five o’clock came and went. Five thirty. Six o’clock. Then, the eleven o’clock news.

At about 3:30 Dean called to admit his defeat. He said he knew Virginia was unhappy and had been for a long time. He was sorry he had caused her so much pain. He never meant to hurt her. As a peace offering, he was willing to give her what she wanted. He wouldn’t cause her any more grief. He would leave the house and let her come get her things. She could take whatever she wanted. He would sign any papers, but wanted to keep the house because it was inherited from his parents. It was just what Virginia hoped would happen.

So, Virginia picked up her daughter and got a few empty boxes and went to get her things. She made it out of the car and a few steps before the shotgun blast pierced the air and ended her life. Within seconds, the 15 year old fell dead next to her mother.

Fish Steady my friends. karen